I don’t know who it’s more awkward for when I have to tell people about “the split”, me or them. Actually, I lied. I do know, and it’s more awkward for them because for me it’s becoming old news quickly.
Two ladies rang my doorbell one morning and asked for my soon to be ex-wife. Apparently she had invited them over before “the split” and never canceled. I knew these ladies well enough, and when they asked if Carrie was there, I said, nope, she’s not. “When will she be back?” Never. [laughter] “Come on Dan, you’re just like your mom. When will she be back?” Never. [I then tell them about “the split”] [more awkward laughter]… “Come on Dan, when will she be here?” Ummmm, I’m not joking. She’s really gone and she’s not coming back. “Seriously? You’re joking. When will she be back?” [we continue this same back and forth for a few more rounds]. I finally say, Listen, I wouldn’t lie to you about this. And it’s starting to get a little awkward. [silence]. “Are you serious?” Yes. Dead serious. “No, you’re joking”…
Haha, I can’t help but laugh about it when things like that happen, and it’s happened more often than you could imagine. Everybody has to find out someday. To be honest, I’d rather people openly spread rumors so that I wouldn’t have to explain myself. Did you hear? Dan is getting divorced. Yeah, I heard that he got caught wearing women’s underwear. Yeah, well I heard that he beat her to death and buried her under the garage. No way, I actually have it on very good authority that he’s gay and likes to kill kittens and baby dolphins for fun. Yeah, rumors are easier. The worse they are, the more I smile. Haha. Actually, I’ve, never heard of a bad rumor going around about me. [sigh] Just wishful thinking I guess.
And then there are the people that have absolutely no idea how to respond and so when I tell them, they just act like nothing was said or that nothing has happened. And I’m talking about the absolute ability to not acknowledge a single thing was said. I tell them of “the split”, and their face freezes up and they go completely paralyzed until you say something else (anything else), and then they go along their merry way, content to have blocked out the entire new reality that they don’t want to face.
Of all the people though, my favorite has to be all the people who decide that my divorce makes me an officially licensed marriage counselor. “You’re getting divorced? Oh my gosh, I have to tell you that John-Jack and I are having such a hard time and we’re seriously considering it ourselves. Our marriage has been crap for years and we hate each other and are seriously considering a dual with pistols at dawn. Do you have any advice for me?” [blank stare from me] Ummmm… yes. Ask somebody who isn’t me. Me as in divorced. For the second time. I can tell you everything what not to do, but I have no good advice for you. You’re a loser just like me. [insert winking smiley to avoid awkwardness if any of these people are reading this post]
So, hopefully my closest friends, family, co-workers, and minor acquaintences are all in the loop now, not to mention that guy that works in the Asian art store at the mall. If not, consider this blog my telling you about “the split”. For all of you awesome people stuck going through a divorce right now, hang in there. Life is as good as we make it using what we’ve got. And I guarantee it could be a whole lot worse.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing