WEEKEND SHORTIES BUT GOODIES:
Ever since the girls split, I have a serious problem. I have no idea what I have left to my name anymore, and if I’m not at home to go check if she took it or left it (whatever it may be), I always have to tell people, “I don’t know if I have that.”
One friend was coming over and we were going to bake some cookies together. “Do you have a cookie sheet?” she asked. I don’t know if I have that. “Okaaaayyyy… do you have shortening or flour?” I don’t know if I have that. “How could you not know?” I just don’t. I have no idea if she took it or left it. And so the endless circle starts. She finally just ended up bringing all of the necessaries with her, just in case. Which was good, cause then I didn’t have to pay for anything.
A little while later, some married friends were over with their kids and asked, “do you have sidewalk chalk?” I don’t know if I have that. I went out to the garage and came back in with a giant box of it 14 seconds later. “I thought you said you didn’t know if you had any!” I didn’t know. Now I do. I’m not a liar!
Another friend was coming over and we were going to sit in the hot tub, play the piano, ride on the horse, and sled off the barn roof together. “Do you have a hot tub, Dan?” I don’t know if I have that. “Do you have a piano?” I don’t know if I have that. “Do you have a horse? I don’t know if I have that. A barn with a slanted roof?” I don’t know if I have that.
Well, I did know, and the truth was I didn’t have any of it, but I found that not knowing what I have left lets me get friends over on false pretenses… without getting in trouble for lying. Yes, I can now blame it all on my ex. I guess she took it, I end up saying. “How could you not notice that she took a piano or a horse?” I don’t know, I just didn’t. And then we forget about it, play Monopoly, and eat M&Ms. Which was my secret intention from the beginning.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing