Just Leave Some M&Ms on the Porch

So, in preparation for my basement renters moving in, I’ve had to go through and actually clean out the basement. That was as fun as slitting my wrists and doing push-ups in salt water… another blog post for another day. This post is about a “social experiment” I did thanks to the opportunities I had in all of this home-improvement mayhem.

While cleaning house, there were a couple things I had to get rid of. I had three options to get rid of them.

Option A: take it to the dump. This option costs me time and money. And I’d have to actually inhale the nastiness there.

Option B: take it and give it to charity. This option also costs me time and money (gas is money, right?)

Option C, list it for free on the internet and let somebody else spend their time and money to come pick it up.

So, I went with option A. Simply because I like to inhale any nastiness I possibly can. Haha. No. Not even. If you know me at all you know I don’t do well in places where a Costco size bottle of hand sanitizer won’t suffice. I went with option C and I listed it for free. Kind of.

The first thing I had to get rid of was my bed frame. Here is what my ad said:

Free oak bed frame. First to take it wins!

I have a nice oak headboard and foot board for the taking. Just take them. It’s for a king size bed. It’s on my driveway. All I ask is that you leave three giant bags of M&Ms on my front porch.

These are actually pretty nice, I just don’t want to bother with selling them. They’re sitting on my driveway. Please no calls, just go get them. No need to ring the doorbell, just take them. As soon as they’re gone, I’ll cancel this ad.

Good luck, and don’t forget the M&Ms.

They were gone within twenty minutes. Which has been my experience in giving away free stuff, but what made me super mad was that they took off with them and didn’t even leave my freakin’ M&Ms on the porch! I checked that night and still no M&Ms (I was hoping that they were going to come back and leave ‘em later). So the next day I decided to do it again and see if the whole world was full of crooks or if it was a one time thing.

This time it was Noah’s old crib that I needed to get rid of in a hurry, so I listed another ad, this time spelled out in more detail:

Will trade $600 crib for 12 lbs. of M&Ms

Okay, here’s the deal. I have a nice $600 crib (like, really, really nice) that I’m willing to give you on three conditions. And I’m very serious about these conditions.

1) You leave at least 12 lbs. of M&Ms on my doorstep when you take the crib. Preferably peanut butter or pretzel.

2) You are actually going to have a baby or have a baby right now. I want somebody to take this who needs it, not somebody who just wants to sell it. If I wanted it sold, I could do that.

3) You come get it off my driveway. No emails, no calls, I am headed out, and I’m trusting you to keep rule #1 and rule #2. It’s there right now. So, come get it.

This one took a little longer, about 40 minutes, and this time I was waiting, watching from the side window where I knew they couldn’t see me spying. I watched as a young couple and some friends came and started looking at the crib set. They liked what they saw, so they started loading it up in the back of their truck. Come on, where’s my M&Ms, I kept thinking as I watched them load the last of it. They all got up into their truck and started to pull out of the driveway without leaving me with my sweet chocolate. Those frickin’ crooks. What is wrong with the world? But then… they pulled up in front of the house and started toward the door (giggling) with a big white Styrofoam ice chest. They left it on the doorstep and ran back to their truck, laughing hysterically as they did (is it really that funny to pay somebody with chocolate).

After they pulled away I opened the door and not only was there the ice chest, there was another sack with two big bags of M&Ms in it. The schmuck from the night before had a change of heart, I guess, and came and delivered the goods, or at least 2/3 of it. Maybe he got hungry on the way over. I don’t think I’ve been that happy in months! I brought in the cooler and let Noah lift the lid off. “Let’s see what somebody left us!” I said. He opened it up and saw about 20 lbs of M&Ms. “M&Ms dad! Lots and lots and lots of them!” We both skipped around the house and danced together for awhile. Something about it all just made us so freaking happy. M&Ms always make us happy, but this time it was more than the M&Ms. It was that people had integrity. Sweet, hard candy shell integrity.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!