I’ll be the first to admit that I am a serious sucker for sales. And it doesn’t matter what kind of crap is on sale, I see those big red beautiful four letter words staring me down and I always have to see what might be glorified underneath them.

My biggest weakness is clothing. Nice t-shirts for $6? You bet. BOGO shoes? Absolutely. Fuzzy purple sweaters with pictures of kittens doing karate all over them? You never know when the occasion might call for it.

After clothing comes my weakness for snack foods. Since my entire diet consists of four different products, I jump (and I jump hard) any time one of them goes on sale. Last time I went to the local grocery store both my favorite crackers and my favorite granola bars were on sale. And I cleaned them out. I brought home two carts worth of it, and to be honest, I’m still trying to figure out where to store it all.

And there are other weaknesses too, I just don’t have enough money to fully indulge the way I’d like to with them. The biggest weakness I have in that department is gadgets. I’m a gadget guy. I love them. And they love me. Yes, I need an iPod stereo system in every room! Yes, I need a remote starter for my truck. It is really really hard to start it by myself. Yes, I need that electronic gizmo that tells me my exact latitude and longitude. It comes in really handy, especially when I have to call in an air raid or find myself on a world map (not that I’d know how to do that anyway). Gadgets just make my life so easy. And yes, most of them get used only once. Or never. But isn’t that what Costco’s return policy is for?

I’m not completely unreasonable with sales though. One thing I’ve never been too excited by is when medical procedures go on sale. I wanted to get Lasik on my eyes, so I started looking into prices. When it came down to it, I found the highest damn price I could find because let’s face it, who wants Mr. Discount attempting to delicately lift your corneal flap? He’d probably use tweezers and fingernail clippers. Another one I’m seeing everywhere… discounted tattoo removal. As much as I’d like my ugly back tattoo removed, I ain’t gonna pay some Schmo to scrub me down with a Brillo pad and hydrochloric acid cause he doesn’t have the right equipment. The way I see it, any time part of your body is going to be cut off, burned off, or chiseled off, it’s best to pay top dollar so that at least you feel better that it could have been worse.

But, besides where those medical procedures take place, you can find me most days disguised behind dark shades and a bucket hat going through the aisles of stuff on sale. And what’s funny is, I know better. I owned a retail store. I know that sales aren’t usually ever sales at all. They’re normal price. The rest of the time you’re just getting screwed. Anybody else as big a sucker for sales as I am?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Previous articleMelt already!
Next articleJust Leave Some M&Ms on the Porch
Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!