I have a favor to ask of the world. Please, let me actually be single. At least for a moment.
Don’t get me wrong.
I take it as a great compliment that you like me enough to recommend me as a fine catch to your second niece thrice removed, and I believe you that she has a very special spirit and I believe you that she gets “even cuter” once I get to know her personality, and I believe you that she is the funnest person you ever met.I don’t believe you that you don’t have a picture you can show me and have no way to get one.
I take it as a great compliment that you like me enough to completely forget about the fact that I am carrying around the baggage of two divorces and yet you’re still willing to declare me a perfect match for your co-worker who is perfect in every way but has just had so much bad luck with so many bad jerks. It also means a lot that you totally bought my B.S. that the divorce was all my ex’s fault and because of that, you really want me to date this “very special” girl you love so much.
I take it as a great compliment that you think I’m such a fine catch that you’re asking me to immediately and for life connect myself to “miss so perfect that nobody has deserved her until I came along” and within only minutes of announcing the split with my ex. It is a compliment that you think she’d make a great third wife for me. It really is. It’s an even greater compliment that you want us to jump straight into marriage without even dating or seeing each what each other looks like first. It really, really is.
I feel so loved. How could I not when it has only been about eight weeks since the girls split, and I’ve literally already had more than 17 people try and hook me up with friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, random bums on the street, and even lonely pets.
I know that I gave you all the impression after my first marriage that I am into the whole “marry the first girl you date” thing, therefore you’ve gotta move fast. I know that I gave you the impression that I like to make my next spousal decision within minutes of the divorce being final. I take that fault on myself. I sent very mixed signals with my past behavior (I was just following the Divorce Club rules).
But please. Please let me be single. At least for a few weeks. Even better a few months? Ideally a few decades?
Again, don’t get me wrong.
I love dating and making great new friends. I love hanging out and socializing. I love being around beautiful women. I even love the occasional spontaneous make-out with said women (at least I think I might if one would ever let me). I am not gun shy of girls and dating. That’s still part of the definition of “being single”. And that’s where I want to keep it right now. Kapish?
So, I’m going to help you out with a few lesser-known details about myself so that you don’t have any reason to think I’m such an awesome.com match for that super hot female you have waiting for me. Maybe with this list, you’ll give me at least a solid year before you try and set me up with your hairdresser or your cleaning lady or your 900 lb neighbor who can’t leave her house (and let’s be honest, you don’t really know whether she is male or female). Here goes…
1) I am a hermaphrodite.
2) I am a cross-dresser.
3) I hate babies and kittens.
4) I love to hit women.
5) I love one night stands.
6) I drink from the toilet, but only when I’m thirsty.
7) I have severe back acne. Also known as bacne.
8) I have 13 documented illegitimate children. The number could be as high as 62.
9) I currently weigh over 900 lbs. and cannot leave my own house (which is why it wouldn’t work out with your neighbor who also can’t leave hers… Or his… Whatever gender she be. No other reason, honest.)
10) I like to eat my own boogers
11) I use only kittens to wipe after dropping a twosie.
And there you have it. I’m saddened that I had to drop to this level just to get you off my back. In one year we can reevaluate my good points and whether any of those things are still a problem for me. My hunches tell me that I can totally overcome everything on the list in about a year. Until then, I insist that you go down that list with whatever girl you think I’m perfect for. If you still want to set me up after that, and she still wants to go out with me, well, let me know so that I can block you on Facebook and write a blog post about how nuts and sadistic you are. Not necessarily in that order.
Please. Let me be single. For now. Is that so much to ask?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, please, share the love for this ridiculous post by sharing it wherever you like to share things.
Thankfully, everyone I know has intentions of setting me up with the "perfect guy for me" but they have terrible follow through! It's been a year since my last long term relationship, and although I have been on a few dates, nothing really clicked, and honestly, I'm liking being single for now. If there is one person you can always count on, it's yourself. Maybe one day I'll get back in to the dating game, but it'll be on my own terms thankyouverymuch!
Wow. It would drive me insane if my family or friends ever did that to me. I haven't been single for ten years so I can't really imagine what it would be like to be alone again..
I love this! I have never been married, and I have decided to remain single for the rest of my life. I actually love my confirmed bachelorette-hood. However, when I tell people that I don't plan to be married, I get every speech in the book.
You will be lonely, who will take care of you, don't you want children, and then, every person they see is a potential mate for me. And they always have "a friend"--which should be read as some one desperate.
Thanks so much for writing :D
Seriously, I think being single for awhile after divorce should be mandatory. I had people trying to set me up before I even got divorced. Uh, no thanks. I have been through the getting into a relationship too early thing, and I don't recommend it.
I think I'll borrow some of this, change my phone number and maybe even join a monastery!!!! Yep. Sounds like the solution. ;)
Man I hated the blind date thing when I was single. It was always, "I've got the perfect guy for you, he'd be great!" when he wouldn't hardly talk to me when we actually had the date. Dating is hard enough without having to deal with your friends unrealistic expectations.
The anxiety I feel when a friend wants to line me up is horrific. Yes, I do want to date again. Yes, I do want a relationship. Yes, I do still believe in marriage. But I don't want to be lined up. Please. When it happens, it happens. Just let it happen.
HAHAHAHA! That's awesome. Recently separated myself with divorce impending, it never ceases to amaze me when someone says 'anyone interesting in the picture?' What are you, NUTS?! As a single mom striving to be laughing, I thank you for your post :)
Pam
Oh, gosh! I divorced ten years ago and people are STILL trying to hook me up with someone. What part of "No thanks" do people not get?
I have two sons who were 3 and 4 when I divorced, and who are now teetering on the edges of teenage boy-ness. If I'M smart enough to know that no man wants to take on double teenage boy-ness with a new wife, why isn't anyone else?
When the boys are out doing their own thing and are old enough to drive, then I'll think about dating. Until then, NO! I do NOT want to meet your husband's brother's wife's nephew, and I don't CARE how hot he might be. I can live without hotness. I cannot live with neglecting my sons.
I can tell you're not ready just because you still number your wives. I'm remarried after four years of single parenting, My husband has about the same number of years under his belt. He's NOT my "second husband." He's my husband. Period. I hope the same for you some day. I recommend that you enjoy the trip. You're going to make yourself crazy with all this. Single parenthood just is. There are no rules and it's no different than just plain ol' life. Get over it and yourself. You are displaying a magnitude of tripping all over your baggage that will help no one. Buck it up, kid. Live for today and your child. And maybe consider that a BLOG is not the way to support a family. WTH???? It's a hobby.
I'm going through my second divorce and my Aunt has taken it upon herself to tell me what to do. Her three rules: 1. You are NOT allowed to date until your youngest child is out of the house (a decade) 2. You MUST go back to school 3. (As she is pointing her finger at me and giving me a stern look) You cannot forsake God (she reminds me that even though I think I never would a lot of nice people do)
Speaking of God, wow, I didn't know my Aunt had the same omniscience, shocker!
You know I'd love to know where all these people who thrust 'ideal partner' suggestions at a single person reside! In the 6 and a half (really, I'm not keeping track) years that I've been single I've had not one suggestion. Maybe all I can take from this fact is that the people I'm surrounded by realise I'm far too good for anyone they know....or perhaps not : (
Hey, I know someone who'd be just perfect for you............;-)
BESIDES, it would be supersilly to be Single-Dad-Laughing-who's-got-a-girlfriend. Sorry, you've GOT to stick to the single dad story so I can keep enjoying this blog. Nono, no arguments. It's settled!
Thank you! I laughed until I cried. I'm thinking about borrowing your "list" of reasons why you aren't a good match for someone to try and keep away all the women who keep trying to set me up with their nephew who "just hasn't met the right girl yet, and he's totally gotten that infection cleared up now". *shudder*
Awwww, you're totally welcome to it. And I like the infection one. Why didn't I think of that?!
That's quite an impressive list. Although I feel I should warn you, you might want to reevaluate your #1 choice. I believe recent studies show that today's women aren't nearly as bothered by the hermaphrodite thing as you would think. It's all Lady Gaga's fault, apparently.
Loved the comic.
Is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite? If so, I never knew. I think it would be much weirder for us dudes to find out a woman was packing a little extra heat...
You seem like a total asshole....and yet I totally agree with much of what you are saying.
Shannon, I AM a total asshole. Believe me. Haha.
Parenting Tired = Good. Relationship Tired = Not Good.
Amy, I love it.
I totally agree with you!!! Take time to enjoy your son, they grow up so fast. I think too many people out there get so caught up with the me me me that they forget what really matters. Sunrises/sunsets, playing in the sprinkler and laying your wet body on the hot sidewalk in the sun, skipping rocks across a lake, crunching leaves in the fall, eating popcorn and watching cartoons. Yes, stay single for awhile, enjoy what you have, when the time is right it will happen, no need to rush.
Oh my gosh, I heart you, you're so poetic and made me smile with your visuals. The only thing is every time I crunch through leaves I'm afraid I'm going to get leaches stuck to my legs.
Umm, methinks you have confused the word 'crunch' with wade ^_^ No leaches involved when crunching in dry leaves
Touche.
Yay. I'm glad you're taking some time to decompress. In the mean time, I'll just keep compiling my list...
Tomi... take that list and burn it. Just the existence of a list dooms me.
I have a friend who's divorced (X2). His Face book profile under Relationship status reads, "Retired, Out of Service, Go Away Foul Demons!". Maybe you should try that. Otherwise, eating your own boogers works too. :) Enjoy your "time off". -J
Haha, love it. Can you really do that?
If it's possible, I want to know how!
Oh my word......Laughing so hard. So Dan if you eat your boogers and love M&Ms is it safe to say a booger flavored M&M would be the ultimate? J.K. Good blog today. B-t-w, my daughter Elyse thinks you should write a book (and no this is NOT a set-up----she's way to young). Keep us laughing.
Oh June, you're making me blush! Haha. The goal is to write a post every day, and then the book kind of writes itself doesn't it? Danoah's bathroom reader. I could be on the back of toilets everywhere.
My co-worker said the same thing. She said "He should do this for a living! He's got a great talent for writing!" You should pull that book out from the dust...
Tell your co-worker, she rocks! And then ask her if she can wipe out my utility bill.
HERE HERE! (clings cups together and chants)
Sande, did I ever tell you you're awesome?
I hate it when people keep trying to set you up just because you happen to be single, not considering the possibility that maybe you enjoy the single status and don't WANT to be set up. You reenter the dating pool when YOU decide you're ready and not a second before, not when well-meaning but clueless friends and family members think that you're ready.
Dave, a man with wisdom that can only have come from experience. And I agree on your phrase "well-meaning but clueless".
So what you're saying is you DON'T want to be 'set up'? I wasn't quite sure. When I was single I had friends trying to set me up as well - and I just channeled my inner B*tch to help me out of those sticky-uncomfortable-would-rather-eat-lent-off-of-my-dryer-vent-than-be-here moments. I say, Tap into your inner B*tch! You GO GIRL! Er -boy...
I'm tapping... I'm tapping... I'm not finding it. What's the male equivalent? Maybe I need to find that.
channel your inner self-absorbed asshole...be sure to bring up religion, politics, and the fact that you think women should be seen and not heard. that ought to help you out some!
fwiw, i hate to think that so many of you single parents out there are having your personal space invaded by people that are trying to decide that you're doing the "life thing" wrong because you are choosing to not have a partner at this juncture.
Uggh, I don't care how much you think you might want to meet someone- never let anyone set you up.
Laura, I do have a 100% failure rate with blind dates. You?
Aw! And I was just going to suggest my super sexy younger sister! ( Just kidding. )
Well, good luck staying single. I totally think it could work out for you, but it might be tough. You might have to fight off some mothers trying to pair you up with their daughters and so on.
Keep up the good laughs.
Well... if she's super sexy... I guess.... NO! Yikes, I almost gave in there. Haha.
You had my co-worker and I laughing so hard we were almost crying... nice job:) ha
I am honored to have the city offices wasting so much time on me!
Awesome! But you know you're still going to get the, " He's just saying that because he hasn't met the right one yet." or " Hey, I don't want to get married for another year either." and " Well, he didn't say I couldn't stalk him and obsess over him and try to take out any competition I have while I wait for him for the next year. Just 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 45 seconds to go!
Hmmmm... you seem to have this down to a science. Are you a lawyer cause you're great at finding loopholes.
Nope just a parent of a couple of very slippery kids. They find every loophole. Once one of them said a bad word. I calmly told them that we don't say that in this house. And they asked if it was ok to go outside and say it. At least they asked.