I have a favor to ask of the world. Please, let me actually be single. At least for a moment.
Don’t get me wrong.
I take it as a great compliment that you like me enough to recommend me as a fine catch to your second niece thrice removed, and I believe you that she has a very special spirit and I believe you that she gets “even cuter” once I get to know her personality, and I believe you that she is the funnest person you ever met.I don’t believe you that you don’t have a picture you can show me and have no way to get one.
I take it as a great compliment that you like me enough to completely forget about the fact that I am carrying around the baggage of two divorces and yet you’re still willing to declare me a perfect match for your co-worker who is perfect in every way but has just had so much bad luck with so many bad jerks. It also means a lot that you totally bought my B.S. that the divorce was all my ex’s fault and because of that, you really want me to date this “very special” girl you love so much.
I take it as a great compliment that you think I’m such a fine catch that you’re asking me to immediately and for life connect myself to “miss so perfect that nobody has deserved her until I came along” and within only minutes of announcing the split with my ex. It is a compliment that you think she’d make a great third wife for me. It really is. It’s an even greater compliment that you want us to jump straight into marriage without even dating or seeing each what each other looks like first. It really, really is.
I feel so loved. How could I not when it has only been about eight weeks since the girls split, and I’ve literally already had more than 17 people try and hook me up with friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, random bums on the street, and even lonely pets.
I know that I gave you all the impression after my first marriage that I am into the whole “marry the first girl you date” thing, therefore you’ve gotta move fast. I know that I gave you the impression that I like to make my next spousal decision within minutes of the divorce being final. I take that fault on myself. I sent very mixed signals with my past behavior (I was just following the Divorce Club rules).
But please. Please let me be single. At least for a few weeks. Even better a few months? Ideally a few decades?
Again, don’t get me wrong.
I love dating and making great new friends. I love hanging out and socializing. I love being around beautiful women. I even love the occasional spontaneous make-out with said women (at least I think I might if one would ever let me). I am not gun shy of girls and dating. That’s still part of the definition of “being single”. And that’s where I want to keep it right now. Kapish?
So, I’m going to help you out with a few lesser-known details about myself so that you don’t have any reason to think I’m such an awesome.com match for that super hot female you have waiting for me. Maybe with this list, you’ll give me at least a solid year before you try and set me up with your hairdresser or your cleaning lady or your 900 lb neighbor who can’t leave her house (and let’s be honest, you don’t really know whether she is male or female). Here goes…
1) I am a hermaphrodite.
2) I am a cross-dresser.
3) I hate babies and kittens.
4) I love to hit women.
5) I love one night stands.
6) I drink from the toilet, but only when I’m thirsty.
7) I have severe back acne. Also known as bacne.
8) I have 13 documented illegitimate children. The number could be as high as 62.
9) I currently weigh over 900 lbs. and cannot leave my own house (which is why it wouldn’t work out with your neighbor who also can’t leave hers… Or his… Whatever gender she be. No other reason, honest.)
10) I like to eat my own boogers
11) I use only kittens to wipe after dropping a twosie.
And there you have it. I’m saddened that I had to drop to this level just to get you off my back. In one year we can reevaluate my good points and whether any of those things are still a problem for me. My hunches tell me that I can totally overcome everything on the list in about a year. Until then, I insist that you go down that list with whatever girl you think I’m perfect for. If you still want to set me up after that, and she still wants to go out with me, well, let me know so that I can block you on Facebook and write a blog post about how nuts and sadistic you are. Not necessarily in that order.
Please. Let me be single. For now. Is that so much to ask?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
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