Ever been to China? Like, real China? I’m not talking about the one in the middle of San Fransisco, I’m talking about the place where you can get a room at a five-star hotel for $30/night and a block down the road you can pick up a nice dog roast (I’m being nice when I say roast; all I saw were dog legs to gnaw on), mostly hair free. Well, I have been there, twice now, and let me tell you that it is awesome. Most everything, that is, except for the food.
Thanks to some recent “experiences” in China, I don’t really like absolutely hate going out for Chinese food now. I used to love it. Problem is, I went to real China where they make real Chinese Food and eat it with real chopsticks and I’m pretty sure they always mix it with real urine something disgusting. It was so bad that I can’t even stand the fake good stuff they make here in America anymore, just because they happen to claim it’s food from the same place.
First of all, it doesn’t help in a place like China that I am the adventurous type and I always try anything at least once. No matter how nasty it is. And China knows nasty when it comes to food.
There is no breakfast food. There is just China food. Every morning in the lobby of our 5-star hotel we ate breakfast and every morning it was the same grease soaked crap. And it’s the same crap you eat for lunch and dinner. I’d have given just about anything for some Reese’s Puffs. Or milk that came from an animal I’ve actually heard of. Or some type of meat that didn’t have course little curly hairs on it.
On the trip I just returned from, twice each day our supplier took us out to eat at some fancy restaurant. He never once asked us what we wanted; he or his assistant just loaded up the lazy susan (or maybe that’s lazy sieu san) full of different dishes. The menu photos certainly did live up the plates they put in front of us. Fried fish. And when I say fried fish, I mean little fish thrown in a frier, with their eyeballs and guts still very much part of the experience. Crab eggs. Mushrooms the size of eggplants that probably would have given me an awesome high if I had actually tried them. Turtle. Carp. Fish heads. Crocodile Legs. Frogs. Fried Entrails. You name it, it was probably on their menu. I think they’d even bring you out a plate of poop if you wanted it.
The first day or two of a trip to China the experience of “getting the experience” makes it worth trying all the nasty nasty. It doesn’t take long though, before you just start skipping meals all together and tackling the chauffeur when you pass a KFC. Causing a car crash wasn’t ever worth it though. I’m pretty sure it was just Kentucky Fried Crap. The hot water they serve you to drink also gets really old really fast. The first words I learned to say in Chinese were Bin Shway (no that’s not spelled right, and no, nobody could ever understand me when I said it) which meant ice water. In China, they don’t serve cold water, they serve glasses of steaming hot water, sometimes hot enough to scald your tongue which is good because otherwise I’d have been teaching the waiters some of the not-so-good American expletives.
But, after about a week of the food in China you start losing track of time and space. Your mental and physical health quickly diminishes and you start eye-balling your own limbs as a better alternative to the food they’re forcing you to eat every day.
The day before the end of our journey, I looked at our supplier and I said, “tomorrow we want to buy you guys lunch.” He agreed. “But, we get to pick our own food off the menu”. He agreed. Quite honestly he didn’t know why we would have any sort of problem eating parrot beaks soaked in melted lard.
The next day arrived about a week later. We met for lunch and I snatched the menu up before anybody could say anything. There were a few words in English, though not many, but enough to figure out what the safe bets were. And I was going safe on this round. Italian. Yes, that sounds safe. Pizza. Yes, that sounds safe. Hawaiian Pizza. YES. SAFETY AT LAST! Seriously, can you go wrong with Hawaiian Pizza?
Yes. OMG yes, yes, yes, you can. Before I go on, you need to watch the video of the Hawaiian pizza. That’s right. You need to see this pizza at 30 frames per second. A still photograph just wouldn’t do.
I meant what I said the last line of that video. There is no safe food in China. I started to weep when we left lunch that day. I don’t know if I was crying because I had failed at finding something palatable when I had the chance, or because I ate three slices of the pizza while it was still moving. And guess what else. That wasn’t pineapple on top. I think it was buttapple. Was it coincidence that 30 minutes later I had to scream at the chauffeur to find a bathroom and quick? The diarrhea lasted three weeks. And that was enough to make me never want to eat Chinese Food again.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, after extensive research, I’ve discovered that the moving stuff on top of the pizza is fish skin. I guess it reacts to heat somehow. They’re called Japanese Bonito Flakes. I even found some that you can order on Amazon (click here
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chinain360
Wow, what an ugly post. You're doing something wrong. I just came back from China after living for 6 months (and my 3rd trip) and I miss so many things. A lot of the street food is delicious. How about the dim sum?? There are so MANY different varieties of food in China I don't see how anyone could come back so upset :-(. Yes, there are some very strange offerings (deep-fried scorpions - which weren't half bad) but avoid the ugly and go for the yummy!! It's different, another culture, embrace the good and don't scare everyone like that......
MarciaBohn
Missed this post last year. I loved reading it today! I don't think it will keep me from eating chinese food here in the US, but I think it will keep me from ever wanting to visit China!!!
Amy Wamy 621
Dan,
I am having so much fun nosing through the "500 Posts Ago" musings of your "younger self". I totally understand trying the food, I would likely try just about anything, too. Though you have more fortitude than I could ever have with that moving pizza. That would simply never happen. LOL
skeezix_83
Dan, I have been reading your blog almost from the beginning. This is the first post that offended me. While I know this is not meant to be a serious post, and is supposed to be light hearted, I found it to be very judgemental. I lived in China for 10 months, and enjoyed the food. Does that make me 'right' and you 'wrong'? Of course not! Everyone has their own individual food preferences, likes, and dislikes. And everyone's body reacts to new foods differently. It is one thing to share what you didn't like about the food, and how your body had a negative reaction. In this post, though, you took it a step too far by continuing on to make fun of, insult, and degrade an entire culture.
MarciaBohn
skeezix_83
I don't think Dan is degrading ANYONE in this post. He is just commenting how much he HATES chinese food. How is that degrading an entire culture? So what? He HATES chinese food. Why is that so bad? NOTHING I heard in that post sounded good to eat. We are not used to that type of food here in the U.S.
MelissaLynnBenham
Ewww!! That "pizza" was extraordinarily nasty. What an experience!
Ha Ha! I lived in china last year for three months! I practically lived off of McDonalds. I nearly laughed my head off when we went to get pizza. It was ridiculous, but they wanted so much for us to like it. My favorite part was when we went to a ritzy Korean barbeque and they served bugs on a skewer. Also a congratulatory dinner at an even ritzier restaurant included fried chicken head (skull intact), chicken feet, chicken liver, chicken stomach, cow tongue, the list goes on and on. I have never appreciated american food as much as I did in China. And don't even get me started on the toilets!
My mom buys those bonito flakes at the pet store for her cat. The cat loves them. I hold my breath when I give them to him. Can't imagine myself eating them. My dog won't eat them, and he, like most dogs, will eat anything. Not anything, apparently. LOL Love your blog.
Thanks, Kyostyle - Dan I just found your blog and have started reading from the beginning. I've pretty much loved every entry until this one! I kept waiting for you to say "just kidding"! There is no "real" Chinese food...that's like saying "real" American. Is it pizza, hamburgers, Southern, Creole, hot dogs? I can't take it so far as to say that I'm offended (I'm Chinese American) - there are definitely some strange things to be had in China... But I know for certain that there are good, yummy things! I think you need a better food tour guide!
Okay, off soapbox now....
Hahaha! *is chinese* the bonito flakes move due to the hot steam that rises from the food to soften and make it curl and uncurl XD The mushrooms the size of eggplants are called king oyster mushrooms in N.America, they are juicey and have a rather delicate taste and a firm texture. And the 'real' chinese food you ate? XD You've been going to the wrong places my friend. The hot water thing, yeah that's explainable too. Ice cold water will actually put your system to shock and your body will have to work hard at getting it back to regular body temperature. In hot places like China, drinking hot water will make you sweat more and cool you down ^^
Well.. I guess that answers my question of why all Chinese people are skinny...
Dan.. you are SO much braver than i could EVER be..
I, personally, like my food dead.. I don't, and never will eat something moving.
I always wanted to go to china, just to go there, see how different it is from America..
not any more. NEVER.
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot???????
This is sooo funny! I was referred to your blog today from a friend posting your perfect perfection article on FB. I have been reading your posts for about 2 hours in between activities with my kids, dinner, a bath for kids and here I am. Still looking for more. So I go to your list of funniest posts. I love to travel and DREAM so bad to travel more so you made me curious with this post title. Oh my goodness! I was laughing the hardest I have laughed in a long time. My girls ran into the room thinking something was wrong. I like you, will try any food once. But never, never in my life have I experienced a pizza like this one. Its my hubby's favorite. Maybe I should order it, and make him Hawaiian pizza China style. LOL!!! So funny! Thanks! And I have no idea how you have the time to read all your comments! wow.
We called those "fish flakes" in my Japanese mission; they are super-thin and move only because of the heat coming off the food--they are waving in the wind, so to speak.
I used to want to visit, but I love American, Chinese food so now I think I'll pass so I can still enjoy what I can get here in the good 'ol USA!
So, did you end up eating any of it?????????????????????
SICK!! I went to Japan and there wasn't any weird crap like that... a lot of fish and interesting tasting stuff, but no dogs instead of chicken or moving fish skin!! Yucky!!
No wonder Chinese people are so skinny. They can't even eat their own food!
Oh noooooooooooooooooo! That would have traumatized me. Seriously. I wouldn't have even been able to look at a Chinese person ever again without crying. A thought: The food in China can't be bad for you, no matter how bad it may taste, can it? If it were dangerous, would there be so many people in China?
Or is the real question... how many MORE people would there be in China if they didn't have food like that?! haha. :)
You just ruined my favorite food!
But seriously, I was freaking out during that video. IT'S MOVING. I am never visiting China.
Haha. My pleasure. Just passing along the love!
Hi Dan!
Just found your blog the other day, and just wanted to say I like the fact that you blog about being a single dad, even though its rough. My hubby was a single dad too....even in Utah...lol. He had a hard time as well. I blog about my stepdaughter for the both of us, and just wanted to say I appreciate another blogger! Keep up the good work.
Kate
PS- That pizza is amazing in so many gross ways.
Haha, thanks Kate! I'm finding being a Single Dad to have its challenges, but really be SO much fun. It's like, I get to be a real greedy gus and keep him all to myself when he's with me. I'd imagine it would be much harder if I had sole custody.
What part of Utah is your hubby from?
My hubby is born and raised in SLC. We met there, when he was newly divorced. We dont have sole custody, as we now live in Colorado. Its hard, but he loves his daughter very much.
I bet! CO is my second favorite state! It's as close to the outdoors of Utah as you can get without being Utah!
I. LOVE. THIS. BLOG!! I also don't like you very much right now because I have the worlds weakest stomach and a HUGE love for dogs. But I. LOVE. THIS. BLOG. Thank you, thank you, for the oxygen-depriving laugh. Seriously.
Haha, and I LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. your awesomeness (did I do that right?). Sorry for ruining your stomach, and I LOVE dogs too (have the sweetest black lab ever), but our loves for dogs doesn't save those dogs being eaten daily across the pond!
And I thought eating monkey brains was bad.... YIKES!!! :)
Aggie_Sith... eating monkey brains is bad! Very, very, very bad. I'd try it.
Oh, I guess I wasn't clear...I have tried it ;)
Why and where. That's disgusting.
I HAD TO!! It was for an anthropology class, and we had to attend the International Food Fair and try new things, and unfortunately for me, I was late, and they had run out of other more tasty choices. Got to eat muktuk (whale blubber), and sauteed Chinese water beetles, too....OMG!!! THERE IS NO SAFE FOOD IN CHINA!!!!!! :)
Okay, I don't know that I could have tried either of those. Actually, I know I would have if they were stuck in front of me, cause I'm an absolute idiot sometimes, but hey, at least we have funny stories, right?!
OMG! That pizza was scary man! Did you finally eat it? How did it taste? Didn't that monster crawled out of your mouth at night, while you were sleeping and haunt you? May be get back to you for eating it?
Haha, yeah, I ate three pieces. Truth was it was rather tasteless. But that wasn't the point; the point was that it had the movement of slugs and mentally it was not the easiest feat! :)
I think pizza just got ruined for me for the rest of my life. That was the most horrifying thing I've seen all day. Then again, I guess compared to other things that moving stuff could have been, fish skin isn't THAT bad.
I've always wanted to go to China. I guess now I know that I'd come back with a major case of the skinnies if I went!
Yes, but I have to warn you that even in extra small quantities, the food there is so loaded with grease and nastiness that even a bit here and a bite there will fatten you up big time! I don't know how they did it, but they've figured out how to make even the most healthy things absolutely grease soaked.
China is a very cool place to visit though. I'll never say no when they tell me to book a ticket.
Oh, and sorry for ruining pizza for you. Now, do the right thing and ruin it for others. Order some of those nasty flakes. Haha.
Just think, I [freak] when I see a spider. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if my FOOD was moving?!!
Sometimes there's nothing you can do but cry. And that's okay.
Oh ugh. I went to Hong Kong and a couple other parts of mainland China when I was in middle school. It's true, the food is...... well let's just say I blocked it out. We were on a performance tour and in an attempt to appease a big group of american kids they brought us pizza one night after a rehearsal. Ours didn't move but it did feature lots and lots of CORN. Yeah. It went pizza sauce, corn, cheese, then other unrecognizable things. Let's just say there were lots of leftovers. Honestly, in the area we visited, everything was gross. The term 'food' being used very loosely, cockroaches in the hotel rooms, a warning not to put our heads on the seats of a bus because it was "very likely" infested with fresh lice, I could go on and on.
I went to Japan four years in a row with this same group and let me tell you, over the course of those journeys we all perfected the art of packing light on the clothes and heavy on the ramen noodles and snack packs! We performed in an amusement park attached to a popular formula one race track so we we ate at a "breakfast buffet" in the park every morning (let's just say that almost everything moved on that buffet so we ended up eating a lot of stale cornflakes with goat milk) and they had a special group of chef's that cooked all our lunches and dinners. To their credit, they tried hard to imitate American food. Unfortunately for us, they weren't all that good at it and since in Japan, it's considered offensive not to eat what one is given, we also became the masters of sneaking food into ziploc bags and stuffing them into our pockets. I'm pretty sure the pond of Koi on the way from the food hall to our hotel stayed well fed. Of their attempts at american food, I think my two favorites were some crinkle cut french fries, cold, covered in some kind of clear slimey sauce with onions and peas in it and then of course the spaghetti topped with Octopus. Ahh, that's JUST what you want with spaghetti. Rubber band-like food that makes your teeth bounce so high that your jaw disconnects from your face.
Much worse than that was when they tried to feed us more "traditional" asian cuisine. In Japan, traditional is another word for "raw and with eyeballs still attached". Wanna see 30 kids squirm? Just put a plate in front of them that's doing the same thing.
Japan did have some amazing food too though. And of course I always think Pocky sticks and 17 Ice with much fondness.
OMG you have me laughing so hard right now Jenn. I think you just ruined french fries for me forever! But corn on pizza? That's just genius.
Haha, my colleague advised me before both trips to China that I needed to pack a suitcase full of granola bars. Both times I told him "nah, the food is part of the experience.". I understand why I said that the first time. But the second time?
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I've recently found your blog, and after reading several posts, decided to start at the beginning =]
I don't know where you were in China, but you were obviously in the wrong place for food! I lived in China for 2 years and LOVED the food! I avoided the weird things, and stuck to traditional beef, chicken and pork. I'll admit though, it helps to have a westerner with you who has already explored all the food options and found the really great dishes =] Sorry China disappointed you in the food department! (And you couldn't find a Papa Johns? Those are all over China and are very American =] )
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