Monthly Archives: September 2010

You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.

I feel a need to write this after what I witnessed a father do at Costco yesterday... Parents. And especially some of you dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.

Ummm… really? Like, really really?

Okay, this image, is only so that the next image isn't the one that shows up in everybody's Facebook feed when they share this story. Plus, people love pictures of cats doing funny things (they do! Read this post if you don't believe me).So, I thought I'd throw out a bonus post today, only because I am seriously irked and I need to vent somewhere! Warning, this post contains slightly graphic images, all in the name of parenting and decency.I have two computer screens hooked up to my computer at home. Last night I was sitting with Noah on my lap, and on one screen we were going through Bing images, finding pictures of "gray things" (every week he has to take an assortment of cut-out pictures to preschool, focusing on the color of the week).On the other screen, Facebook was open from my previous session on the computer. While I was cheating and typing in "silver" instead of "gray" (let's...

You want to get rich quick? No problem.

**DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY AM I ACTUALLY DISPENSING FINANCIAL ADVICE** Okay, I'm not generally one to dish out the financial advice, but today I thought I'd give you all a tip that will make you rich, as long as you follow the plan exactly. The moment you stray from this plan, you're on your own. What a lot of you don't know is that I have spent thousands of hours over the last few years studying the stock market. I have learned more than anybody should ever know, and today I am going to share a secret with you that has the potential to make you rich. The nice thing? You don't have to know anything about the stock market. This golden quickie is one that you can read, absorb, and implement all in less than 10 seconds. It's fool proof, and guaranteed 100%. And here it is: Watch everything I do in the stock...

Why don’t communists like me?

Click to Enlarge Let's have some more fun with maps today, shall we? I'm sure you remember the last time we pulled out a map. The post was called Remind me never to date a girl from South Dakota (click here to read it). In it, we discussed how I could use the visitor count maps from my Google Analytics account to make major life decisions, such as picking my next soul mate. In that post, we only looked at a map from the United States, mostly because I didn't have much of a world following yet. But, yay! Now I do!For all those that did read it, I am pleased to announce that South Dakota has now sent over a whopping 125 people (their count was at zero; the only zero on the entire map), and has officially moved into the "Friend Zone". They've even pulled ahead of one other state and now rest at a comfortable 49th place....

The CURE for “Perfection”

Please note that this is a follow-up to another post. If you haven't read The disease called "Perfection", please do that first. It will change you. Then, please read this post in its entirety, because I need your help. I have written thousands upon thousands of words over the course of multiple drafts for this follow-up. None of them felt right. None of them felt honest. None of them felt adequate. I threw them all out. If I'm being completely honest, I failed. I failed to find a way to respond to the now more than 800 comments, many of which have left me weeping and hurting in ways I never thought I could. I have failed at figuring out how to write a single, healing response to all of it. I have been trying to figure out what the cure for "Perfection" really is, and then say it in 2,000 words or less. But, in the end, I realized that I am incapable. I realize that we are all...

The 30 Personalities of Facebook

There are nearly 1 billion people on Facebook and almost all of them can be reduced into just a handful of personalties. You know, since laughing at stereotypes can be so much fun.

Turns Out Guys Really CAN’T See Dirt

After finding a flyer on my door for cleaning services, I scoffed at the idea. Then I wondered just how clean I really was. Then I found that maybe I should take a second look at that flyer.

Today, I just need help.

Today, I just need help. Please spare a few minutes.I need you to please go back to my blog post from Monday, The disease called "Perfection". I am in the middle of writing an equally powerful, more important response to it which will post on Monday.If you are like me, this post (and maybe more so the comments that followed), have profoundly influenced you and changed you. There are now hundreds of comments (from the tens of thousands of people who have read it already) from hurting, aching, beautiful people, and what they have to say is both beautifully "real" and achingly haunting.This is where I need your help. My email is at the top of every page on my blog. Will you please email me the top five to ten comments that impacted you the hardest? I don't need people's replies to comments. I'm talking about the "real" comments that immediately hit you, that impaled you, that made...

So… you want girls not to like you?

So... you want girls to hate you? Don't worry, my friend, you're not alone. Every single day I find new ways to barricade myself against the evil double x chromosome. Every day I perfect my techniques against the wiles of the eye-batting beauties. Walk with me, if you will, down a path that will guarantee you eternal loneliness and assure you a life of everything you ever wanted except for the one thing every guy always wants. You daft idiot. That was a test. Let me help you out with your thinking here... you don't want to ban women forever, you only want to ban them for now. Women are the beautiful people on this planet. Women are the ones that have enchanting eyes and unhairy, soft skin. Women are the ones that have a little more "shape" to their bodies which make them so much more fun to snuggle and hug. I've tried snuggling and hugging...

Every kid needs a pet monkey

Sometimes it feels a little bit empty here at "The Boys' House". Until a few days ago, there were only three boys living here. Noah, Lucky, and Me. Here is a photo of all three of us. If you're having a hard time seeing me, look really close at Lucky's training collar and you'll see me in the reflection laughing at Noah as he breaks Lucky's spine telling Noah to be nice to the dog. Please don't crane your neck, I'm not really in the photo. Unless you look really hard in the reflection of Noah's awesomeness. Okay, that was cheesy and stupid. Sorry. Anyway... sometimes it feels a little empty around here, so I talked to Noah and we decided to get a couple of new pets. The first pet we got was his new pet Fish. We brought his pet Fish home and Noah fell in love with him immediately. We would take it out and wrap it in a...

Another day in Danoah’s inbox

Time for another installment of "A Day in Danoah's Inbox". If you missed the last one, click here. All posts on this page are raw and original emails I received in the past month, copied and pasted exactly as they came to me. My blog has really taken off, thanks to all of you awesome people, and the last week particularly we've had a lot of people join our ranks. I LOVE having you here, and I hope you'll come back often, even if it means being raked across the digital coals once in awhile. It's all in good fun. Let's start with a couple messages from my "classy" followers. Here is one I got from a birthmom after my post about Adoption Etiquette. "Dan, I just wanted to write and say thank you for your adoption article. I am a birthmom, and it makes me so happy to know that there are good dads like you who will stand up and say how things...

The disease called “Perfection”

As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest...

Never throw water on a grease fire

Today, I want to publicly thank God and the angels that were watching over Noah (and others) on Friday while he was at his mom's house. Long story short, my sister went to visit Noah's mom and shortly after she got there, a pan of oil that had been heating on the stove burst into flames. His step dad yelled to my sister not to throw water on it, and then ran to get a towel. Apparently my sister didn't hear him because while he was out of the room, she grabbed a bowl of water and threw it onto the flaming oil. Never do that. Ever. I thank God that the moment the fire started, Noah's step dad yelled at him to get out of the house. Noah obediently ran for safety, and just in the nick of time. When my sister threw the water at the oil, a fireball filled the entire kitchen and traveled 30 feet into the next room. Had Noah been...

Guys with farmer tans don’t do yoga

In case you're wondering? Yeah, that's a real photograph of me, standing at the back of a 300 degree room filled with Yoga experts. Just me, my camera, and a farmer's tan brighter than all the bling in Hollywood. I could try to explain why guys like me suck at yoga, but I think it'll be more effective if I show you with some of the photos I took the other day. Danoah's Top Ten Reasons why Guys with Farmer Tans Don't Do Yoga Reason #1: Guaranteed guys with farmer tans will never be able to do this: Reason #2: This... would simply be impossible. Plus, guys with farmer tans hate the smell of sweaty shins. Reason #3: Are you freakin' kidding me?! Did you see the picture of me up above? The only time I've ever been able to do this was when I dropped an M&M under the couch and there was no other way to get it. Reason #4: Guys with farmer tans have fingertips that...

Did that happen to you when you were a kid?

So, lately Noah has been obsessed with being "big and tough". I don't know if it was brought on because the girls split,  or because he's started school, or simply because he's getting to that age where little boys have to be tough. He loves to tell me about the times that he didn't cry about something. I try to tell him, "it's okay to cry, buddy. If you're really sad you can cry." But he always scrunches his chin to his chest, furrows his brow, and declares that only babies cry. It's really fun to listen to him begin to think more abstractly as he tries to cope with everyday life. He hates feeling like common mishaps happen to him just because he's small, so his new favorite question he asks me is, "did that happen to you when you were a kid, daddy?" When he accidentally spills his drink, he quickly looks up like I'm going to be angry...

Popular right now:

“Because… I am not always a good person.” A response to...

This is my response to the angry, hurtful, harsh comments that came in after yesterday's post, a story about another homeless man, and my frustration and contemplations about it all...

Dan's Suggested Reads:

Our Seventy-Two Dollar Nap

I don't know how we got into this situation. I only know that it was the end of a VERY long string of crappy consequences for one little mistake.

My Shoes Are Missing!

All-Time Top SDL Posts