Wow, I feel so much pressure to write something awesome today. Yesterday was the craziest day here on Single Dad Laughing. We have a ton of new followers today. If you haven’t checked out yesterday’s post, go do it. Immediately.
So, an awesome post for today… hmmmm… what could be more awesome than somebody droning on about their diet? The answer is: nothing is more awesome. Ever.
Since the entire English speaking population (besides those 19 nudist hippies in Santa Monica who live only on soy beans and love ) is now overweight or obese, it’s something we can never seem to hear enough about. Everybody is an expert. Everybody has their own methods for losing weight. Like my 300 lb. neighbor who swears by his “poop diet”. He says that if all you eat is poop, you’ll lose weight. I actually believe that might work. My aunt Barb is 620 lbs. and she told me the diet that works best is her “cut back to 17 Big Macs a day diet”. She insists that it really is as simple as slashing the total calories consumed. I think that’s sound reasoning. A colleague of mine, who easily wears a size 58 inch belt, loves to talk about his conviction that what you eat doesn’t matter at all. If you want to lose weight, he always tells me, sit in an extremely hot, extremely sweltry sauna for 10-20 hours a day. I’m sure it works for him, but sitting cheek to cheek with a bunch of naked, fat, hairy, sweating men…
Actually, that might be worth trying.
Seriously though, have you ever noticed the ones with the most weight to lose are the most expert in weight loss? I can talk about this because I used to tip the scales at three and a half bills. And I know the answer. It’s because they are the experts. Nobody gets to be really huge without losing 20,000 lbs. along the way. For every pound gained, three quarters of a pound was lost (usually multiple times). And then it’s put right back on with one stupid little 1/4 lb. cheeseburger at Wendy’s (some would argue that even a 2 oz. brownie magically makes them gain 5 lbs. My experience is that this is very true). My point is, fat people know how to lose weight because they’ve spent their entire lives doing it. It’s keeping it off that nobody knows how to do. There are some wild theories (like control yourself!), but nobody really knows how to do it.
And so, never-ending-dieting it is, at least for me.
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| Me and the boys, 2007. That’s me, three over. |
First of all, you know that I’m addicted to M&Ms and Wheat Thins. There is no option but weight gain when these two foods are my main staple. And, I have a theory that goes along with it. Gain ten pounds over a few months while enjoying myself more than a sailor at port, and then immediately lose ten pounds so that I can start the getting fat process all over again. The beauty of my system… the first ten pounds is always the easiest to lose. Like, ridiculously easy. Like, get an ugly girl easy.
[sigh]. I’m sorry. Everything I’ve written so far today was one REALLY long and awesome tangent. what I want to talk about is my diet of choice; the one I’m currently on. You’ve all heard of it. It’s called the low-carb diet. And since I need to get back to my M&Ms as soon as possible, I actually like to do a NO-carb diet (I find the weight comes off twice as fast). By going that route, I can usually shed ten pounds in about five days.
“NO-carb” is really the crappiest diet ever. First of all, you always feel like a Walrus when you’re on it, even when you’re shedding the pounds. On regular diets you lose a pound and a half, and you feel like the skinniest person on Earth. On NO-carb, the grease you consume constantly oozes from your pores which is the same feeling you get when you’re gorging on bacon and or deep-fried butter. Second, you only have three options of what to eat. Eggs. Meat. Cheese. Those get really old really fast. Third, it’s expensive. Unless, that is, you want to eat only hot dogs that are made from goose turds and roadkill.
Day one is not terrible. Mostly because the motivation is fresh and you know you’re going to stick with it. Day two, the carb cravings are so bad that you’ll want to slit your wrists and do push-ups in salt water. Day three, you find it irking that on day two you thought about suicide and didn’t follow through, so you make a new plan of how to end your pathetic carbless life. Day four, you are thankful that you chickened out still have a pulse (which feels strangely like mayonnaise throbbing through your veins). Day five, you are wheeled in for a quadruple bypass from everything you’ve eaten the four days previous.
But, ultimately you lose your ten pounds and you get to start the weight gaining process all over again. And that’s great news for me because I couldn’t live without M&Ms.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, seriously, what’s your favorite way to shed 5-10 lbs. FAST? I’m not talking an intelligent, long term diet. I’m talking about the kind that you gotta squeeze into that dress for your friend’s wedding or when guy’s pants are starting to high-water because all the sudden they have hips.
I have no tips...or willpower lol. I was several sizes smaller 10 years ago when I met my husband, and never felt self conscious about my size until after I had my daughter..love to lose about 40 pounds, but the chips and cheese aren't going to let that happen :p
juice! fasting basically but im a diet controlled diabetic. so i live off of juice for a week! drop lbs quick! thats what i did for my friends wedding! lost 8 lbs and fit in my dress perfect! woot!
well juice and water. but yeah! lol
I've been on zero/very low carb for two years. It doesn't get old if you... wait for it... cook. There are many, many meats out there, many ways of cooking them. I've never felt better in my life.
start off with breakfast such as fruit instant sugar(natural perk me up ) and fiber filling then eat something bready . breakfast jump starts your metabolism. have your big meal be your lunch because your the most active in the afternoon your meats veggies and carby foods .veggies first raw ..the body digests it faster when its raw followed up by your bready food of carby food . cut out your sodas and junk food eat more veggies. cut out your red meats drink lots of water . that will help you shed more pounds of unhealthy body fats. for dinner eat lots of veggies ,then a lil something carby and fruit for desert .
OMG! Love this post....and it is very true....I myself could stand to lose about 20 more pounds...the HCG diet works extremely well, but you do gain it back too....but when I did that diet I lost 20 pounds in a month so it definitely does work....doing the no carb thing now and I'm beyond the wanting to kill myself phase but barely LOL....
Like you, my business partner and I have been dealing with the same diet dilemmas...in fact we are on the "No-Carb" diet as well....but you know what's really hard is that we are surrounded by desserts daily....not that I can't say no (in fact this is easy to do most of the time, but when you can't have it, then you want it)
Keep up the posts...love them
Cut out all processed foods and drink 8 cups of water a day, while drinking nothing but water, tea or coffee. You'll consume far less sodium, which combined with the constant influx of drinking water and any caffeine from the coffee/tea will decrease the amount of water your body retains. You can lose up to 5-10 pounds just in water weight this way, in a short time.
Add in regular physical activity (not necessarily exercise, but find opportunities to walk more while running errands or commuting or just around the house) and that will help keep the metabolism moving faster.
I have a friend who does a 3 day cleanse that is absolutely RIDICULOUS!! I am not sure if it is more crazy then these ones but they each lost about 5 lbs in 3 days. Check it out! http://steph-anappleaday.blogspot.com/2010/10/sta...
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HCG is AMAZING for quick weight loss!!!! Google "Pounds and Inches" by Dr. Simeon... or email me and I can fill you in (no this is not a lame attempt at a sales pitch... ) [email protected]
I try not to eat/drink all day, weigh in at dinner time (before i eat) and have a "normal" meal and drink several diet cokes...i do this daily for about 4 days...you will loose about 3 lbs or so a week especially if you throw in a work out most days! I can't seem to do that part but i'm happy with the loss i get once in a while! :) The other 3 days, i eat a foot long at subway (lower fat version w/o mayo or bacon *how i miss my bacon! :(*) and a smart ones box dinner and some low fat/low cal. snacks like baked lays and chocolate mouse by jello or pudding that is sugar free/fat free or some light yogurt for snacks...it has worked for me and i'm down 82 lbs so far~ :) And you aren't doing a long term "starvation" since you eat every day and also, your body doesn't get a chance to go into starvation mode (even with the big cut in caloric intake 4 days a week) since you eat relativly normally the other 3 days a week...I even will have a lower fat/calorie version of chocolate cakes or cheese cakes too on the 4 "fasting" days to get my sweet tooth fix :)
HAHAHA! Fat people are weight loss experts - so effing true! I work with a woman who is quite large. She had a 20 minutes conversation with my boss about how aspartame is bad for you (not because it;s a neurotoxin, no THAT'S not a big deal) because it turns off the receptors in your brain that tell you when you're full, causing you to eat more (which is true). The she went on to talk about how she eats Lean Pockets and swears by them for weight loss. You know, Lean Pockets, those MSG, preservative stuffed cardboard things that kind of (but not really) resemble something edible, but only if you have been walking through the jungle for 15 days eating bugs and various forms of questionable plant-life... Anyway, she was then talking to another coworker and bitching up a storm that she couldn't lose weight. After this conversation, she opens an industrial sized bag of deep fried potatoes and proceeds to munch on them for the rest of the day. Like her, I simply cannot understand WHY in the world she cannot lose weight!
For quick weight loss, you can try the Master Cleanse diet. It's not meant for that, but I lost about 12 lbs. in 7 days. Mind you, you will put it back on quickly if you don't eat right afterward and you have to spend 7 days consuming nothing but cayenne maple lemonade puke and water. Oh water never tasted so good!
Being female, curvy as hell, and an amateur historical costumer and re-enactor (ok, fine I work at my local renaissance faire, but dammit, my guild is actually HISTORICAL!), when I want to lose a pants size or two in my waist, I just put on my corset! ;)
Brown rice with nori, and drink a gallon of water a day.
oh & if any of you wanted to know, greens (spinach, collards, kale, etc) all have a NEGATIVE caloric effect!! seriously!!! likely cause they make you poop. just don't eat your poop 'cause i think that may have the reverse effect.
LOL!! love this post! i just started losing weight last year. on the Eat to Live diet, you'll lose 8-10lbs in a week if you stick to it. the catch---it's vegan! but at least you won't feel like you've got ooze seeping through your pores. no, you'll just smell like tofu and greens, which according to my husband STINKS. lol. i've kept the weight off though. i no longer do the E2L diet cause, well, i don't care THAT much about animals. actually, i just wanted to learn self-control while still eating what my family eats. it's hard, but i had my fourth kid 6 months ago, and i've lost 50lbs, and i have no intention of gaining it back! (and ummm yes, i'm bragging.)
I'm not a big fan of crash diets because the weight ALWAYS comes back with a few friends! I'm a big fan of the slow and maintainable approach to eating and exercise....it works but you don't have any fun stories to tell your friends! But....I did lose a lot of weight really quickly and it stayed off. My secret is giving birth! Seriously, a weight loss of more than 15-20# in a couple of days and a cute baby to boot!
I swear by the strict M&M's and beer diet, not crappy beer - the good stuff! Also, I always have stuff to make chocolate chip cookies in case I run out of M&M's or feel the need to switch things up. No, don't eat and drink all day - just 3 small meals.
I cut my hair yesterday and lost 5 pounds. Best diet, ever. Also got to help a kid with cancer in the process, which made losing 5 pounds of dead weight feel even better. On the downside, people now think I am a boy.
After my surgery I was having problems with my vitamin intake and anemia and my doctor told me to concentrate on protein. Then he told me not to even bother with veggies and def no carbs... JUST PROTEIN. Do you know how freaking hard it is to eat ONLY protein? And now my cholesterol is high... duh! Does it ever end? And to top that... he told me I'm one of those "lucky people" who only need 500 calories a day to sustain my weight. Anything more and I gain... then he told me if I eat LESS than 1000 I gain.... hmmmnnnn.... would someone like to explain how to accomplish losing anything withing THOSE parameters???
Just concentrate on growing taller, problem solved!!!!
OMG, why have I never looked at this easy solution? It makes so much sense.
SERIOUSLY??? You must have to have some strong willpower to go for two months with no carbs! I'm really considering it now...
Oops, replied to the wrong one. :
Atkins, done correctly, I lost 50 pounds in two months. (Went from 185 to 135) You do eventually work carbs back in gradually (so you can have M&Ms), but I do agree with you on the days one through four thing. If the carb withdrawal headache doesn't get you on day two, everything exiting your body at rapid fire pace on day three will make you want to die. -J
Juliana, that's awesome! I'm so agreeing with you. I did low carb for an entire year (pretty close to NO-carb, actually). I didn't cheat even once. I honestly don't know how I did it.
SERIOUSLY??? You must have to have some strong willpower to go for two months with no carbs! I'm really considering it now...
One way I keep my tummy tight is to not eat dinner and just snack on some raw almonds...in fact, i just snack on healthy things throughout the day. In the morning I just pack up some low-fat wheat crackers, carrots, the afore mentioned almonds and apple slices and I'm set for the day! It doesn't really fill you up at all, but it keeps food cravings away. It also saves the wallet too! No meals, only healthy snacks and life is bliss.
Hey Karlie, so glad to have you on the blog, checked out yours too. Very nice. So what you're saying is keep my current lifestyle, but instead of snacking on junk, snack on something healthy...
This is why you have a tight tummy and I have tight jeans. I would take what you said and come up with this...a box of wheat thins, a bag of carrots and dip, a can of mixed nuts, and apple slices with plenty of peanut butter or caramel. Somehow I never get these things quite right.
I went to South America this summer and got some kind of stomach bug that rendered me unable to eat anything for about two weeks. Best diet ever. Although, now I really want to try that M&Ms and Mt. Dew one. That sounds more fun.
Yes, parasites and worms will definitely do it to you. But don't try earthworms. I tried swallowing some of those and I think they just died and rotted.
I've been on an M&M & Mtn. Dew diet for a couple of days and lost 2 pounds already! Success is just around the corner! I'm going to be writing a book on it. Watch for it on the Best Sellers 2011 list.
Had me at M&Ms. Then I zoned out.
Okay, I'm back. Sorry, I was really excited about the whole M&M diet idea you had.
Oh, and I had a new-found desire to try your method of dieting for a few days. I didn't make it past breakfast. No carbs sucks! I usually have a nice, filling bowl of cold cereal. A patty of meat with spices did nothing for me. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow...
Haha, careful. Switching between low carb and high carb makes you gain weight like crazy!
That sounds like the best diet ever. I approve! I would definitely buy your book
The best diet I have found that works is what I call the Divorce Diet. Yep lost major weight with my first one 13 years ago and now.....drum roll please.......I've droppd 10 pounds in 1 week on divorce # 2. Uuuggghhh..........
OH man, I know how that goes. I'm an emotional starver too. Welcome to round three. Good to have good company on board.
I lost 200 lbs after my divorce. It was there one day, gone the next, like magic!! (And the stench he created was gone with him too!)
OMG, that's about the funniest thing I've heard all day.
I hear giving birth gets rid of a few pounds really quickly. And you get a bonus baby out of the deal.
You lose pounds, but gain twice as much weight in new responsibility.
Yes, but that weight is on my shoulders and doesn't make my jeans tight. I can always go sleeveless and have extra room for my shoulder weight, but wearing cheekless jeans is really frowned upon around here. Or anywhere, I suppose.
They're called chaps. Down south they're totally acceptable.
Pineapple Vodka & Sprite, cigarettes, and saltines during the day. Did it for a few weeks and lost 20 lbs. Maybe not the healthiest route.....
HA HA HA! I'm going to the liquor store RIGHT NOW!
I guess at some point we have to balance what's less healthy? Carrying that 20 lbs or pounding some vodka and cigs for a few days?
Many...many, many times in the Army, I needed to lost 5-10 lbs to "make weight" (The Army has a set weight limit that people are "allowed" to weigh based on their height...they don't account for body type or big-bonedness at all!) or to fit into my dress uniform. I simply didn't eat anything for 3 days and went without liquids, even water for 24-36 hours....and if necessary I'd take a laxitive or two. (It wasn't pretty.) Occasionaly, when I was having a moment of weakness, I'd have a single cube of ice. I know, I know...REALLY REALLY unhealthy, but hey, losing your job because you are chunky...not the best thing either.
Haha... thanks for commenting Barks! You made me laugh a little too hard.