Wow, I feel so much pressure to write something awesome today. Yesterday was the craziest day here on Single Dad Laughing. We have a ton of new followers today. If you haven’t checked out yesterday’s post, go do it. Immediately.

So, an awesome post for today… hmmmm… what could be more awesome than somebody droning on about their diet? The answer is: nothing is more awesome. Ever.

Since the entire English speaking population (besides those 19 nudist hippies in Santa Monica who live only on soy beans and love) is now overweight or obese, it’s something we can never seem to hear enough about. Everybody is an expert. Everybody has their own methods for losing weight. Like my 300 lb. neighbor who swears by his “poop diet”. He says that if all you eat is poop, you’ll lose weight. I actually believe that might work. My aunt Barb is 620 lbs. and she told me the diet that works best is her “cut back to 17 Big Macs a day diet”. She insists that it really is as simple as slashing the total calories consumed. I think that’s sound reasoning. A colleague of mine, who easily wears a size 58 inch belt, loves to talk about his conviction that what you eat doesn’t matter at all. If you want to lose weight, he always tells me, sit in an extremely hot, extremely sweltry sauna for 10-20 hours a day. I’m sure it works for him, but sitting cheek to cheek with a bunch of naked, fat, hairy, sweating men…

Actually, that might be worth trying.

Seriously though, have you ever noticed the ones with the most weight to lose are the most expert in weight loss? I can talk about this because I used to tip the scales at three and a half bills. And I know the answer. It’s because they are the experts. Nobody gets to be really huge without losing 20,000 lbs. along the way. For every pound gained, three quarters of a pound was lost (usually multiple times). And then it’s put right back on with one stupid little 1/4 lb. cheeseburger at Wendy’s (some would argue that even a 2 oz. brownie magically makes them gain 5 lbs. My experience is that this is very true). My point is, fat people know how to lose weight because they’ve spent their entire lives doing it. It’s keeping it off that nobody knows how to do. There are some wild theories (like control yourself!), but nobody really knows how to do it.

And so, never-ending-dieting it is, at least for me.

Me and the boys, 2007. That’s me, three over.

First of all, you know that I’m addicted to M&Ms and Wheat Thins. There is no option but weight gain when these two foods are my main staple. And, I have a theory that goes along with it. Gain ten pounds over a few months while enjoying myself more than a sailor at port, and then immediately lose ten pounds so that I can start the getting fat process all over again. The beauty of my system… the first ten pounds is always the easiest to lose. Like, ridiculously easy. Like, get an ugly girl easy.

[sigh]. I’m sorry. Everything I’ve written so far today was one REALLY long and awesome tangent. what I want to talk about is my diet of choice; the one I’m currently on. You’ve all heard of it. It’s called the low-carb diet. And since I need to get back to my M&Ms as soon as possible, I actually like to do a NO-carb diet (I find the weight comes off twice as fast). By going that route, I can usually shed ten pounds in about five days.

“NO-carb” is really the crappiest diet ever. First of all, you always feel like a Walrus when you’re on it, even when you’re shedding the pounds. On regular diets you lose a pound and a half, and you feel like the skinniest person on Earth. On NO-carb, the grease you consume constantly oozes from your pores which is the same feeling you get when you’re gorging on bacon and or deep-fried butter. Second, you only have three options of what to eat. Eggs. Meat. Cheese. Those get really old really fast. Third, it’s expensive. Unless, that is, you want to eat only hot dogs that are made from goose turds and roadkill.

Day one is not terrible. Mostly because the motivation is fresh and you know you’re going to stick with it. Day two, the carb cravings are so bad that you’ll want to slit your wrists and do push-ups in salt water. Day three, you find it irking that on day two you thought about suicide and didn’t follow through, so you make a new plan of how to end your pathetic carbless life. Day four, you are thankful that you chickened out still have a pulse (which feels strangely like mayonnaise throbbing through your veins). Day five, you are wheeled in for a quadruple bypass from everything you’ve eaten the four days previous.

But, ultimately you lose your ten pounds and you get to start the weight gaining process all over again. And that’s great news for me because I couldn’t live without M&Ms.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS, seriously, what’s your favorite way to shed 5-10 lbs. FAST? I’m not talking an intelligent, long term diet. I’m talking about the kind that you gotta squeeze into that dress for your friend’s wedding or when guy’s pants are starting to high-water because all the sudden they have hips.

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!