Please note that this is a follow-up to another post. If you haven’t read The disease called “Perfection”, please do that first. It will change you. Then, please read this post in its entirety, because I need your help.
I have written thousands upon thousands of words over the course of multiple drafts for this follow-up. None of them felt right. None of them felt honest. None of them felt adequate. I threw them all out.
If I’m being completely honest, I failed. I failed to find a way to respond to the now more than 800 comments, many of which have left me weeping and hurting in ways I never thought I could. I have failed at figuring out how to write a single, healing response to all of it. I have been trying to figure out what the cure for “Perfection” really is, and then say it in 2,000 words or less.
But, in the end, I realized that I am incapable. I realize that we are all incapable. I lack the ability to be anything more than a cheerleader to most of you. In most cases, I have never experienced what you have experienced, and therefore lack the ability to empathize with you in the way that your responses deserve.
This week has overwhelmed me. It has been heavy. It has been intense. It has been wonderful. It has rocked my very core and even my belief system. The words you’ve submitted have changed me, infinitely, for the better.
Here are the numbers for the first week of the post:
Page views: more than 250,000
Facebook share count: more than 11,000
Twitter posts: more than 380
Comments: more than 800
Personal emails to me: more than 300
Blog mentions: more than 950
I do not share these numbers to boast the popularity of my work. I share these numbers to help you understand the importance of the message. The need for the message. The desperation for the message.
The message telling us all to be “Real”.
What I didn’t discuss in the original post is that being “Real” in everyday life is something much easier said than done. Being “real” is a great notion, but there is a reason why “Perfection” has our entire society in a choke-hold. If you peel away all of the layers of what the disease called “Perfection” is, you’ll find a simple, but very rooted fear.
The fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection is everywhere, inside each one of us. And until we can get rid of this fear, we can never actually be “real”.
And, the only way to get rid of the fear, is to heal from our hurt.
And the only way to heal from our hurt is to find a way to let go of it. Which, as we all know, is easier said than done.
And all of this, is a pathetic attempt to explain why I can’t, and nobody ever will, write one post, or one book, or one anything that can heal everybody. I can’t. And neither can you.
But we can.
If we work together.
We can work together to carry our fallen comrades to safety. We can work together to eradicate the disease. We can work together to present an antidote for those that are dying from “Perfection’s” poisonous sting.
In the medical world, there are different types of doctors for just about everything. They each have their specialty so that we each receive the best care for the specific condition with which we are dealing. You would not ask an Otolaryngologist to help you with a painful bunion. You would ask a Podiatrist. You would not ask an Optometrist to deliver your new baby. You would ask an Obstitritian. You would not seek help from a Proctologist for a mental disorder. You would visit a Psychiatrist. Well, maybe you would if the problem was simply a stick that needed to be removed, but I think you get the point, and can draw the parallels in regards to this discussion.
When dealing with the disease “Perfection”, every one of us is infected to some degree. We are all in need of medical attention. Much more importantly, though, we are all, every one of us, healers. We are all doctors. Each of us has the power to help and heal some of the hurting people in this world. And today I’m calling on you to do just that.
I cannot respond to each of the hundreds and hundreds of comments on the “Perfection” post with an understanding shoulder to cry on. Nobody can. Not properly. But we can each reply to somebody. This is not a job for a general practitioner. This is a job for you, a specialist.
I cannot empathize with a woman who has been raped or molested. But you might be able to.
I cannot pretend to know what it feels like to be disowned by your family because of your beliefs. But you might be able to.
I cannot put my arm around a girl who defines herself with an eating disorder and tell her, “I know what you’re going through”. But you might be able to.
Each and every one of you have been through some extremely heavy things in your life. That is life. Not one of us shares an identical set of burdens with another. Today, that is to our ultimate benefit. We are all unique, and right now we need our uniqueness more than ever.
Come. Be a doctor with me today. There are some people to which I can respond. There are some people to which you need to respond.
What is the cure?
Be “Real”.
The more I realize the world-wide effort it will take to effectively and genuinely respond to the “Perfection” post, the more I see the healing value in an expansive collection of “Real” posts from each of you. Perhaps, if the response is appropriate, we can put these in book form and take a crack at spreading “Real” to millions. A project like this has the potential to truly change the “Perfection” problem. I need what you can give me today. You need what others can give you today. The world needs what we each can give today.
For the first time in my life, I see how a relatively small group of people actually can change the world for the better. I can’t do it on my own. Will you join me?
Let’s be real together. Let’s change lives. Let’s help people heal.
When I originally wrote The disease called “Perfection”, I was hoping my words would be strong enough to make their way to a few thousand people. One week later, the number of people that have read it could fill Yankee stadium 4 1/2 times.
Think about that for a moment. Then, let’s be real together. It’s not just a handful of people we’re talking about. It’s the world. I present to you:
The “Perfection” Project
Write a comment on this post and share three things (make it as long as you need, but as brief as possible.) If you’re having trouble posting, email it to me and I’ll post it for you. My email is at the top of the page.
First, share with us the biggest struggle, mistake, or trial you’ve ever survived. Share why it was so hard for you. Don’t sugar coat it. Be real. Be as real as you can possibly be about it.
Second, write a short message to the “you then”. If the “you now” could send a message to the “you then”, what would you tell yourself? Somewhere here among us, there is a broken soul; a trampled spirit; a lost individual, trying to survive the very thing you’ve already been through; a beautiful person who desperately wants to receive your message; a beautiful person who desperately needs to receive your message.
Third, tell us what the “Perfection” article has done for you in your life and to your way of thinking. Your perspective on it will hit others in a way that my writing never could.
It is okay if you post anonymously; just post.
I encourage each of you to search within yourselves today for the words that will help heal another. Please do not mention specific religions. If God was your answer, that’s great. Tell us your experience. If something else was your answer, that’s great. Tell us your experience. There are no wrong answers here, except for the ones that are never written. This is not a contest. Be real, and your words will carry themselves. If you say only the things you think people want to hear, nobody will hear you at all.
And please, share this post on Facebook, twitter, and your blog (in addition to sharing the first one). There are so many people around you who need what they will read in your reply. Sharing it is so crucial to its ability to work. It’s not really the post itself that people need to see. It’s the participation below that will heal people. You never know. It may even heal you. Let’s see if we can get 1,000 people doing their part to heal the world.
This, along with the original article, will heal hundreds of thousands. Maybe millions. And all because you took half an hour to lay it out there for somebody else. All because you helped spread “Real” just a little bit further. I believe. Do you?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing Ready for Change
PS, I understand that doing this will take some time out of your day. Thank you. I know how valuable your time is. If I do put it in book form, I’ll list each of your names in the “thanks to” section, because your words are the ones that will change people and you deserve credit.
Just as a heads-up, Internet Explorer really limits the length of your comment. I suggest using Firefox which let’s you post a much longer one, or email it to me and I’ll post it all in one for you. If you don’t, it’s fine, but you may have to spread your reply over several comments. Some people have also had luck signing-up for Intense Debate.
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BSP
My biggest struggle in life has been to learn to like me, to accept that I am special, that I am like everyone else unique and gifted, flawed and opinionated, wonderful in my complexity and special to some people around me. My father never showed any acknowledgment of his children's achievments. Never provided any emotional, financial or other support to us beyond the socially necessary. Never watched us play sports or encouraged us or uplifted us.
No matter that two of his sons have competed at World Championship events in different disciplines and for different countries, I suspect that some parents might find that amazing, my father barely noticed. It still hurts that he never noticed and now he is dead and he never will, his loss actually. It is paradoxical that it may just be that very lack of acknowledgment is what drove us but the victories are hollow ones when nobody seems to care.
I write this because I think that there must be others out there, both parents and children experiencing the same thing and maybe this will change your behaviour. If you are a parent in particular I hope that it will. If you are not part of your childrens emotional lives, if you are not a participant in their successes and a cheerleader during their struggles you are creating within them damage which will affect their whole lives.
Finally I am very thankful that a good friend forwarded me a link to the original post, I have long held a fascination for what I call "the marketing department", that embraces the ad agencies ,the glossy magazines, the smiling faces on covers and the dreadful "reality TV shows" which portray a totally unreal view of the world. The ridiculous concepts that McDonalds could come up with a truly "Happy Meal" or that Coke realy think that they are responsible for years of "happiness". I have come to realise that you are a puppet until you cut the strings, and only you can cut them. You don't need the airbrushed looks and the sports car to be loved or even important. Your real friends will love you just as much when you are imperfect and unhappy. I am trying even harder now to live a "real" life, experience tells me that many people don't like the truth, trouble is that I do. Mostly I think at if you are happy with who you are and your friends aren't , well then change your friends, you don't need to change you. So now stop sitting at the computer and go play sports with your kids or watch them play, and don't forget to tell them that you love them and are proud of them, you might be amazed at the results.
Daisakusha
My biggest struggle is learning to be Mom. I have never really been a "kid person". I didn't like kids, and I still can't handle too many. Mine, I'll handle, not just because he's mine, but because I love him. He saved my life. I had so much going on when I found out I was pregnant, and those first four months were hell for me. Friends who stabbed me in the back, a love who refused to be seen with me, (I know he reasons, but they still scarred me,) and a family who loved me but I felt I was failing. I had a vision of how and who I should be, an un-wedded mother wasn't it. I don't think I really accepted my new roll as Mom until sometime after my son's birth. Sometimes, I still have problems being Mom, it's a lot of work, and a lot of stress. You can't go out with your friends all the time, daycare costs a lot of money, and buying/cooking food is an adventure.
If I could go back to my former self, I wouldn't tell me to use protection. (Note to others: USE PROTECTION!!) I wouldn't say "Don't get knocked up." Because then, I wouldn't have grown like I have. I WOULD say that no one needs friends who can't bother with you when you need help, no one needs a bf who is with you only because he's bored. And that it might not look like it, but it would be ok. Different, but ok.
And I think the "Perfection" article has changed me because I don't always realize that I'm not alone, that there are others struggling with life. And that the perfection I think I should be attaining is false. It's tough being a Mom. You have the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the stress, the total chaos. But, it's a fun Adventure.
janikidd
Things that I have think I've learned: One has the power to choose happiness over any other feeling every second of every day. Try it for yourself. If you want to see a change you have to change the things you do. We don't know what we don't know so the best thing to do is ask. Ask for help. Ask for love. Ask for forgiveness. Ask for anything you don't understand. Ask for possibilities. Ask yourself. Ask a friend. Ask a stranger. Ask an enemy. Ask. Realize perfection does not exist. It never will. There is beauty in all of us and it is our sole duty on this Earth to let it shine. Shine for yourself and in doing so you will give others the ability to shine too. We are all connected whether you like it or not. If you think of the universe as one being, you will begin to treat yourself, others, and the Earth just a little better. In turn, the universe will treat you better. You and only you hold the power over your thoughts and your actions. If you don't like it-change it. Only you can. And the single most important thing that I think I have learned is: Love brings Love. It's a boomerang effect. Not only that- it is infinite. Think of the possibilities of love.
The biggest struggle I have faced and am still facing is battling anorexia and bulimia. I have battled an eating disorder off and on for the past thirteen years. During my battle, there was one night when I was so enraged with myself, so repulsed and disgusted by my reflection, that I carved the word, "FAT," into the lower left side of my stomach... Now every time I look in a mirror, I see the word, "FAT," written by scars on my stomach... The scar still tries to define me... I am reminded the many terrors that my eating disorder has caused me... I am reminded how it almost cost me my life on numerous occasions... Though I try to fight for my life and choose recovery on a daily basis and try to see myself as beautiful and loved and valued, I am reminded by the scar that the voice of the eating disorder is not easily overcome... Yet, I keep fighting!
Had the "me now" been able to talk to the "me then," I would have told myself that I was too valuable to cut myself, that I was beautiful, that even though I didn't feel beautiful or worthy of being alive and only wanted to disappear, that I was created for a purpose and that a destiny awaited me. I would have told myself that I wasn't alone and that I didn't need to continue making plans for how I was going to end my life and make it look like an accident. I would have told myself that the journey of healing was not going to be easy but that I deserved to walk it! That I was worth being alive!
The "Perfection" article has helped to open my eyes wider at this point in my life. The article helped me to see that I am still fighting the disease called "Perfection" day in and day out, but that I don't have to fight it forever! I don't have to measure my value or my worth against how "perfect" I can be or how "perfect" can appear to be on the outside. I have realized that it is time to embrace my imperfections - even glory in them! I have realized that my imperfections make me unique! I have realized that the longing that is deeply rooted within me to be real and to be accepted for who I am (really) cannot be met as long as I hide my imperfections that set me apart from other people! I will continue on in the journey to recovery from my eating disorder while simultaneously endeavoring on a journey of self-discovery!
BlakeAshleyFergus
Rena, I am currently 3 months into treatment/recovery of my eating disorder - anorexia. I was so shocked to read this article and scroll down to see your story as the first one. I googled "cure for perfectionism" and this is what came up -- I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. I resorted to cutting, I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. Yet, I've committed to mySELF -- I had a commitment ceremony at my last treatment center and married myself and now wear a ring on my ring finger to remind me of the promise I made to myself to CHOOSE LIFE every single day -- because it's a daily choice. I have been suicidal my ENTIRE life and never really wanted to live... when I chose recovery I realized that I would have to learn to live in a COMPLETELY different way -- and I have been on that journey now for 3 months and I am learning so much about myself. Before I went into treatment I tattooed the words "I Can Do It" on the inside of my left wrist -- it's a reminder that no matter what, I CAN do it... to stop telling myself "I can't do it" and to begin telling myself I CAN do it. I am sending my love to you -- I know how hard the battle is, believe me. You let go of SO MUCH -- letting go of my ED meant letting go of my old identity, my old career as a model, certain people in my life that weren't healthy -- it's been the hardest damn thing I've ever done -- but my life is worth it. Im worth it and so are you. I hope you know that. Many blessings to you. Love and Light, Blake
When I was a young teenager I was depressed. I was hurting myself and thinking about killing myself. I rembember the hours when I sat alone in some corner of my room, crying and knowing that I am worthless... knowing that I am not even worth the air I was breathing.
What finally helped me was realizing that I am not alone. That there was someone who cares. More than someone.. a lot of people cared, they just did not know how to tell me.
If I could send myself a message back in time, I would tell myself to look around and see: Your family cares about you! Your friends care about you! Even the old lady you sometimes see on the bus and who looks at you with this sad smile cares!
There always are people who care about you: They just might be too shy, too imperfect to let you know. But that is ok. You just have to know they are there!
But the most important thing always is that you learn to care about yourself.
I struggled with the same problem when I was younger, and even now I can fall back into that problem which is was brought me to this website in the first place. Three things have helped me come and stay out of my depression, creative writing, theatre, and volunteering. There is something so comforting about writing out your feelings. Whenever I feel overwhelemed I write it all out without stopping or thinking about it, and then later when I'm calmer I'll look at it and be proud that I was strong enough to make it through that hard time.
{Finishing off my last post}
Theatre makes me work hard and use physical energy, which helps when people are depressed. It is also a job with requires team work, and being close to other people means you have someone else around for you connect to. Another good thing for depression. Plus, once a show is over there is this overwhelming feeling of self worth at the great show you just accomplished. Volunteering is great, because it gets you out doing something and because it means that you are working to fix something or help someone which can help someone out of a slump.
I know I wasn't much help, but I want you to have hope because I am here and there is a whole world waiting for you. I hope you're doing great. :D
1. My biggest struggle happened not three weeks ago. I had let a boy have almost free reign with me because I thought it meant he thought I was beautiful, smart, funny, creative, perfect, and everything else he was telling me I was. He almost convinced me to sleep with him, and while we were inches away, I panicked, and called everything off. Out of desperation and fear, I turned to a few friends for help and council. As things tend to do in High School, words were twisted, and everyone at school started calling me a whore, even though the actually act was never committed. Dealing with words of anger from my parents, harsh names of my classmates (some of which were my best friends), and my own inner voice telling me I could never be perfect again drove me to contemplate suicide. I thought that by taking too many pills for my ongoing headache would cure everything. Luckily, a well timed phone call from a friend saved my life.
2.I would tell myself to forget the harsh words others were saying. They didn't know what happened, and by saying the things they were, they were showing how little they knew. You learn who your True friends are. If you have religion, cling to it. There are people who care, there are people who love you still, no matter what mistakes are made. Do the things you love. I know that sounds crazy for a time like this, but if you can loose yourself in something (music, reading, spending time with your best friend) you'll find all the worry and words of others just melt away, and you can find yourself smiling :)
3. I can't even begin to explain what this has done for me. I realize that yes, I Did make a mistake but Yes, so does everyone else. It doesn't make me a horrible human being and I shouldn't let what I did get the most of me. It's simply another lesson. Now I can face it and say, "Yes, I'm imperfect, but there isn't a single thing I would change about myself, because then I wouldn't be me."
I spent my childhood completely alone, I tried so hard to make friends but i would always just get picked on bullied, one time i even got stabbed with a pencil. Going into high school I finally managed to make a few friends.That is where my infection of perfection began.
My wight didn't help and I just couldn't stop eating, on top of that was an over bearing cruel sister and my mother was totally consumed with making our dysfunctional family look perfect for our neighbors. My sister was thin and the most popular girl in school. One time after doing something illegal she burnt me with a cigarette but that's not to much of a stretch. She tortured me relentlessly sense we could speak.
I was so desperately afraid of being alone again. It got to the point I was involved with criminal activity just so my friends would think I was cool still. After a few years, we got caught doing something and I fell out of the circle. That is when I realized I have to live my life for me, how I want to. I had to worry about making me happy before someone else.
Once I focused on me, I figured out I had it in me all along, I may be a little over wight, but I'm still a fox, I may be a little socially awkward, but my company is still thoroughly enjoyable. I was moderately happy with my life, but I still felt like a failure, and I still do to this day. But I know with some hard work and a little bit of strength i can turn that around, just like I did with my loneliness and insecurities.
Think positive for me internetz. :3
I would have told myself If I could talk to pre-teen me. Being the local punching bag wont last for ever, and I would tell me about what all thoughs people grew up to amount to. A big fat, nothing. Sept the girl who stabbed me, shes at least a medical receptionist. lol
The perfection artical made me relize why my mom and sisters would always act the way they did, and it helped me come to terms with some inner termoil that left me crying myself to sleep some nights.
Thank you Laughing Dad. You have no doubt helped saved some lives and enriched even more.
The biggest struggle mistake I made was aborting my son/daughter at 17 yrs. old in fear of what people would say and because my mom would be mad.... I would tell myself then...It is ok there is help out there you will make it work ,he/she will call you mom and love you unconditionally or you can bless a couple who can't have children.
Reading this reminds me so much of the 1970s La Jolla Program. We sat in small Encounter Groups all weekend getting REAL with total stranger. Lots of pain and growth as well ! Self disclosure and reflective nonjudgemental communication were the norm. I am so thankful to have been in that real place. Most of my relationships have been open and often painfully honest and I am thankful for that as well. Open Marriage works and it is lots of work.
My biggest struggle in my life is trying to be the right person for whoever is in my life. This can happen on many levels but the main one is the fact that I am gay and my family can not deal with this fact. Granted I may be assuming a lot about what they are thinking but I feel that in order to keep them in my life I must not mention or hint at my private life. Ironically over the years this has meant I have had less and less contact with them. This makes me sad but when I see them I feel even more sad because I have to create conversation that avoids certain topics (which is very hard work!) and sometimes say things which are not true. I make up information that means they are happy. The story of my sexuality is one that is unnecessarily long and fraught with pain and anger. I consider my friends my family now.
If I could send a message what would I say?... I would start by saying hold on tight. The ride is bumpy and uncertain and you will face tremendous adversity but whatever happens you always seem to keep to your core truth of who and what you are. This understanding and acceptance has meant you have been very understanding and accepting of others and because of this you are liked and loved by a really good bunch of friends who value you without prejudice. Sometimes (as is the case of your family) other people's fears try to infiltrate your thinking and if you think you are defined by what other people think of you then you couldn't be further from the truth. Opinions are just that, opinions. It is how you chose to react to these opinions that define you as a person. If you stay true to yourself then you will not reject who you are... no matter what they say. It will strengthen your resolve and also strangely feel compassion for those who might try to hurt you are bring you down. Through your experience and the attitude you have you will become more freer than you can ever imagine. Through this understanding you will forgive those who may be struggling with a narrow destructive viewpoint... and then move forward as that is the only way to go!
Your blog entries have made me think, really think about how the 'Perfection Infection' has overcome me so much in my life to the point where I have dealt with long bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts (attempted three times) and behaviour that is just not me. Sometimes that behaviour has been irrational and dangerous and could have been prevented. Ultimately there is perfection in imperfection because it gives you the chance to grow and be aware, be REAL and be happy. You let go of the burdens of expectations and suddenly become resourceful when faced with a challenge. You also become honest with yourself and you can indulge a sense of humour when your Real self is threatened. More to the point being real is being switched on. It is celebrating your fallibility, your individuality, your amazing adaptability and in doing so you can see the same in others. What a more chilled out world it would be!
Ive had a lot of struggles, so not sure which is the biggest, but when I was 18 I had an ecoli infection that traveled to my brain, and made doctors think I had a psychosis. I spent a few weeks in a mental hospital being pumped full of all kinds of drugs which made it even worse. Since then I feel like my family doesnt trust me and is waiting for me to "snap" and go crazy again.
i hate feelin like i saved my life too late
My biggest mistake was feeling like I had to do what guys want (sex) in order for them to like me. My dad left when I was little to get away from my mom. In no way was it because he didnt love me or think i was wonderful, but a little kid isn't going to understand that (or at least I didnt). I grew up not seeing myself as beautiful, because the other kids didnt, and obviously my mom couldnt know what she was talking about, she's my mom. If I could tell my past self anything it would be: you are beautiful and you are deserving of love, you don't have to be anything other than yourself to deserve love. I met my husband after one of the biggest lows of my life, and while it was not immediate, he has helped my self-esteem tremendously. I still don't always see it myself, but he makes me feel beautiful for who I am. Even if he can be annoying and for some reason enjoys toilet humor and getting the dog to lick my face...and sneaking up on me and making me jump...eh, he's a guy :-)
Truthfully, I haven't come to write on here about being real, and telling myself truths. My name is Pete Brazier, and I choose to be anything but perfect; I choose to be the best and do the one thing that makes life worth living: making people happy. I don't do this for anyone, but me, I don't wanna waste my life living to check boxes trapped in boxes which define the constants of our lives.
It's true practice makes perfect, and perfect to me is nothing like that has been described here. Perfect is living imperfectly, and when the times for you to stand up and be counted - you stand tall, hold your head high and burn like the sun. And when times get hard, and we can see how easy things go out of control over the smallest mistakes, it's then that we get down, and tear and rip and fight every inch of our lives back into the light, clawing every inch back - but we shouldnt do this for us, we should do this for every person who puts there trust in you, who will go that extra metre for you. Everyday I can wake up and say to myself that I helped define someone for the better, anything else doesn't matter. That's me, I'm going to the best person, and if not I'll die trying.
E-mail me. [email protected]
Life is hard; life has so many ups and downs. Be sure not to dwell on life's hardships. Let them go, set you free. Remember when you are throwing yourself pity party that there are people out there who have had it worse than you. Appreciate your hardships by realizing what you have gained and learned from them. For instance; I've had three relationships in my life total 2 of them were life changing and caused problems that still linger> those problems are not important right now what is important is that relationship 3 isn't the best ever but it feels like the best ever because of how awful the first two were.
I don't think I could appreciate this one had I not been through the first two. I learned in life that when they say "drugs will make you lose everything," they aren't kidding. It's not about "I had a parent with a drug problem," or "I gained a drug habit because there wasn't any food in the house and it was easier to be high and not hungry than to deal with reality and hunger too" or "for ten years of my life my mother has been sick with a disease with no cure and gained breast cancer b/c of injecting herself daily with a chemical that slows the progression of the disease she has had for ten years" or "my parents divorced and my life was shattered into pieces that were in different parts of the country" or "I weighed nearly 400lbs and lost half of the weight in a healthy way and am now TERRIFIED of 5lbs being added to my body instead of subtracted" or " I have trust issues b/c my boyfriend that forced me to lose my virginity to him when I wanted to wait until I was 18, cheated on me,"
It’s about what you learn from them and having love for life AFTER dealing with these things. When the trauma is over, seeing what it added to your life positively. Sure there are lingering issues but they can be dealt with and aren't worth pulling a trigger, cutting myself, or having an eating disorder. Just remember that everyone has problems and problems have solutions... even if the solution takes a while the end is worth the wait. The end is beautiful if you know how to look at it from the right angle. No one is perfect, but there isn't anything wrong with being "perfectly happy" with who you are, it's not pretending it's a way of giving yourself hope to go on in a healthy way.
The article simply expresses what I already know but we so easily become complacent and forget that we only have one ride through life.
1. I struggle with feeling worthless. I should add that both my parents had addictions, so I get where this distortion comes from yet still it remains. I also see how most of my acting out through the years (drinking, eating, obsessing, angry outbursts, masochistic tendencies, and choosing damaged people for relationships) where all based on my core believe of feeling worthless, I was trying numb it out. But it keeps coming back. I know I'm precious and I really like myself as a person and love who and what I represent. I now love myself enough to put my needs and wants first. It's an ongoing struggle but the biggest leap forward in healing this distortion was just feeling how much pain and sadness I can be in. Not judging it but embracing that this is a wound that I am healing and a pain that I will carry for the rest of my life but have a healthier relationship with it
2. I'd say to myself 30 years ago...I love you. No one really knows you but I do. You are precious, beautiful, sensitive, and a child of God/Universe. Don't settle for less than you dream off and always listen to your gut because it's me communicating with you. Trust yourself and believe in "yourself" more than you believe in anyone else. You, Jenny are love. Anyone that treats you in less than a respectful and loving way does not belong in you life.
3. The Perfection article was a clear reminder of the forces against acceptance. There's too much judgment in this world from people without good judgment. People attacking other people's sense of self for a dollar. How sad for them and especially for their victims.
I know this is months after the original post, but maybe others are just finding it like me....
The hardest struggle in my life was when my husband of five weeks was killed in a boating accident while I was driving the boat. I actually am proud of the way I handled it, what I learned was: Accept help from the angels around you; your friends and family want to be there. Find someone to talk with, professional or personal, it will help. Keep hoping! There is a purpose and plan for you, although it might not be the one you had designed.
While writing this, I realize I would tell myself then that people did not forget. They might not remember the exact date that the tragedy occurred, but they remember. They don't want to make you upset, so they won't bring it up, but they will be happy to listen or offer a shoulder when you want to talk or cry.
This has affected me by helping me to realize good in those around me. It has reminded me to do what I preach. I want to be myself, but I hide behind perfection. Hopefully, this will give me a boost to be true, to be real. Thank you!
I still feel intense guilt for leaving a prestigious teaching program where I had a chance to make a difference. It was hard work, it was emotionally intense, and I felt incapable of shouldering that load. I blamed the teaching assignment and I blamed the program's inadequate "training" but it was actually my own self doubt and selfishness that made me leave. They preached such hard work and dedication ---- that I had never given to anything before because of my own self doubt. If I don't try very hard, then I won't be too invested if I fail. I was too afraid to try in case I failed.
Now I need to forgive myself for that choice. I am quite happy with my life now and I believe that regrets are futile. I must accept and learn from everything in my past, if only because I wouldn't be here today without all of those lessons.
Thank you for your inspiring article!
I would tell myself to not give up hope, to not become hard and distant, because there is love out there. That it takes time, but the scars are worth having for what's on the other side. And that after going through it, you're stronger. Just don't hold yourself away from others and be afraid to love just to prevent getting hurt. In order to let somebody love you, you need to be able to love without holding back first. The world is tough and right now you're alone, but the reason worth living is that you won't always be alone, anything worth everything is being together with people who sincerely care. Find your passion now, because passion is strength. Passion for something enables you to devote yourself, to become strong because you're working towards something outside of yourself. If you're always looking inward, you'll never know how strong you really are.
(sorry about multiple replies, kept telling me it was too long)
I finally was able to come out of the hole I'd dug for myself, my nice, deep, depressing hole where no one could hurt me when I was able to convince them to get me a new dog. When I finally got my wish, I devoted myself to her, promising that I would never let things end that way again. Every birthday she has I count as a promise fulfilled. I worked in highschool to overcome my social anxiety and battle urges, and now as a senior I'm so happy that I was able to fight instead of being a coward and staying where I was safe, but hurting.
The toughest thing I've ever been through was losing my dog - my only friend - due to "aggression" where he was euthanized just as I was entering middle school. I became severely depressed, talked to no one, had no friends, and no one to turn to. When my parents found my journal I'd left out for them because I wanted help, they went to my doctor behind my back to get him to talk to, where I was repeatedly asked if I was on drugs or anorexic. My parents, knowing that I hold my dogs death against him, as he wasn't aggressive, refused to ever accept that his death was a mistake and that there was anything to apologize for, and that my depression was stupid. So I did what anyone would do, and lied through my teeth to them from that day on.
What I see when I look at myself is likely vastly different from what others see. I see a fat, overly-endowed (up top) young woman who is never good enough. Not good enough for the beautiful baby girl she has. Not good enough for the fantastic husband she has. She doesn't clean her house well--at least not as well as other moms she knows. She doesn't cook well enough--not as good as her mother. She isn't as pretty as the models she sees in Victoria's Secret or online in the margins of her web browser. She's ugly. Fat. And trying so desperately to be as good as everyone else, while being condemned to always remaining at the bottom of the totem pole.
Others probably see a think, petite mother (weighing in at 110), always bubbly and laughing. They don't hear the demons. Her baby girl loves her unconditionally. Her husband says she's beautiful and truly is a blessing. Her house is neat and organized, and her sisters say her cooking is better than their mother's. The woman doesn't speak of her constant competition with the models. The life-long pressure from her mother and father regarding her weight (which has always been about the same) and the constant I'm-better-than-you-could-ever-hope-to-be-grins from the magazines make the thought of working out futile. Others see her crafting, loving, cooking, living.
They don't hear those demons. They don't see the constant, bitter, tiring struggle to be as good as the other moms who breastfeed (because this mom couldn't) and feed their children organic (even though this mom makes fun of that...because she's not good enough to her own children). Hardly anyone in her life knows that she's come close to hurting herself many times, especially when her mother would refuse to speak to her for months on end. To everyone else, her mother and family are happy...and perfect.
Dear Self, I don't know what to tell you to make this all better. I can't make it better for you. I don't know how. I don't know because I'm no different than I was five years or ten years ago. I am just better at ignoring it. Better at pretending I don't hear the demons laughing at me. Whispering to me. Spitting on me. Maybe this is what it's going to be like. But, God, what I wouldn't give to feel comfortable just being me. Me. Simple, sweet, loving me. Happy with the stretch marks, the large breasts (that men apparently really enjoy starting at), happy I'm not one of those models who likely hear the demons, too. Please, God, what can I do to finally overcome this? I don't know. But this scares me most: what if I never know. Eight to ninety years of life is a long time to feel like this.
Dan, you made me realize one thing: Contrary to what I thought, I am no farther in overcoming my secret demons. And I question if I am condemned to feel this way for my entire life.
I've learned a lot in this area in the past decade, and have managed to get myself pretty "real" when it comes to most areas - how I parent, my income/lifestyle, the quality of my marriage, my foolishness and foibles both past and present. I have learned that the one thing I need is permission to be seen as less than perfect by MYSELF. I have realized I am my own worst critic, and that flaws I think are glaring are invisible to others. Admitting them freely liberates me, and is actually kind of disarming, because it's really hard to criticize a person who's indicated they are quite aware of their fault, and choose to tolerate it until they outgrow it.
My big struggle right now is probably the oldest idea in my head - that I should be able to know everything, do anything, and never have a wrong answer. It means I can't ask questions, for fear of being seen as a fool. It means I am afraid to venture an opinion until I'm sure I can back it up with well-reasoned logic, based on verifiable facts from a primary source. I think it's rooted in the fact my dad displays the same behavior - except with his kids, he's perfectly confident that he's ALWAYS in possession of True Facts (TM) and that therefore, he won't hesitate to jump on anything false. If I can't back up what I say, I'm liable to find myself in a corner, figuratively speaking. I HATE speaking to him from opinions.
I'm working on it by trying to more and more say what I think without worrying about whether I look like a fool. I'm trying to go to meetings at work prepared to ask questions, or to force myself to solicit the opinion of a colleague. I'm trying to recognize that nobody ever has enough time to know everything, really, but at the same time, embracing that drive as a worthy endeavor - so long as I keep it in balance. I'm trying to do stuff too, like cook in front of my husband (who is an outstanding chef), work with tools, and make things, because making things and using tools intimidates me. I don't know how, so how could I POSSIBLY learn? I'm going to feel awkward for a while with each new trick I learn, but eventually, I'll be comfortable. And maybe someday, I'll get comfortable with feeling awkward for a while.
When I was 17, I tried to kill myself. Diagnosed with a chronic and debilitating illness, I was told there was no cure. No future .. No hope.
Looking back, the doctor's who told me that could not be more wrong. I'm at Uni fulltime, studying exactly what i want to. I've travelled the world. I have a beautiful and amazing girlfriend. I have a future. I have hope.
There is always hope.
Although I survived in running away from home, the trial was not my triumph. Rather, it gave to me the unfortunate sense of reality that forced me to return to a broken home. The decision itself was not hard: it was really a decision between finishing Junior Year or dropping out. The journey itself was not hard: although I tried to politely refuse their hospitality, my "hosts" insisted on feeding me real nourishment. What was hard was accepting that I would never again have a mother--that no matter how much I missed her I could never forgive her, and things would never be the same again.
How does that tie into going back "home"? I'm not really sure how to explain it, but with that realization came the impact of sheer economics and simple legalities. I could not afford to continue as a runaway, thus I would have to compromise by sharing a house with my more-tolerable father. I needed an address in the district to finish my education in the same school. I needed NOT to have to pay rent, else risk not being able to afford basic expenses. Whereas I used to believe that miracles would happen, and that I could face life with abandon and just let everything work itself out, this struggle taught me that you can't always go with the flow. Strategy is necessary, compromise is a must, and nothing is ever perfect.
So to the "me then" from the "me now", I can congratulate you for moving forward with your life. You have every right to be proud of your SAT score and your NMSF status. But on the same token you need to get with the program, and never forget that "reality's a bitch". You can't afford to make foolish decisions based on your heart and not your brain. You need to not spend time on good will, but instead focus on your own path. And generosity will only benefit you if the favor is returned (in most cases it is not). And once you have a plan, pursue it with aggression! Don't get sidetracked and procrastinate, or else you will be in a situation that greatly limits your opportunities (START GRAD SCHOOL APPS EARLIER!!!). And be honest with yourself and your mentors- don't lie and say that you don't care, be truthful and profess that as much as you care, it's just not your first priority in these circumstances. And when bridges are burnt, stay away from water (because we both know that neither of us remembers how to swim!).
Most importantly, don't forget the article about the disease called "Perfection". Be real. Be honest. And stop lying to yourself about lying. You can admit the imperfect truth and respect the consequences. True friends are those who judge you for your wrongs, but choose to support you nonetheless.
In my quest for perfection I shut out those who love me because I was too obsessed with becoming “perfect.”
I threw away years of my life loving someone who was trying to destroy me.
I ran away from problems, moved to a different country and married the wrong person because I thought I could hide from my past. I failed to realize that I couldn’t hide from myself, so I came home.
Since fourth grade I have struggled with my weight and have never been able to get to “skinny.” Since that time, and even now, I deal with eating that double cheeseburger by locking myself in the bathroom, turning on the water in the sink, and putting my finger down my throat.
Shortly before I was born, my dad picked up a bottle and he still hasn’t put it down. I’ve blamed myself for his alcoholism for as long as I can remember. I often think “If only my mom hadn’t got pregnant with me there wouldn’t have been a financial strain. He wouldn’t have needed to take that job he hated just so he could support us.” I wouldn’t be here, and in a way I’ve always felt that things would be better because of it.
It would be hard for me to say something to myself “then,” because I’m still suffering through these problems now. In my quest for perfection I have become so far from perfect that I am scared to do simple things like go to the grocery store or take a walk around the neighborhood because I am so worried about what people will think of me when they see me. So I lock myself indoors and repeat the cycle of self-loathing daily.
Instead, I imagine a future me telling me to “let it go.” If I only knew how to do that then maybe I could begin to heal.
Part 2
I'm taking steps now to fix the behaviors that led to this seperation, my drinking, my anger, my porn addiction. I'm going to counselling, haven't drank in 21 days...got rid of all the tempataions (porn, internet) in the house. I just don't want these changes to be too little, too late. I realize that I have to be a better person...for myself, for my lil girl...and hopefully, for my wife. i want to be the husband that makes her feel like she's the only girl in the world. I want to be the husband she needs, wants, deserves. I have many flaws, many faults...but I'm working on them.
I want to hold my wife again, show her I DO love her and I'll do WHATEVER it takes.
I don't want this to be over...but it's not what i want that matters...it's what she wants.
i just hope she can forgive me.
Part 1
The biggest struggle is the one I'm going through right now.
My wife of 7 years has moved out...because I didn't make her feel loved, wanted, needed, appreciated.
Instead I made her feel dirty, ugly, used.
We have a gorgeous lil girl together. She's 3.
I don't want her to hurt anymore than she already is.
There is so much hurt, so much pain that we are all going through right now. Mostly because of my actions. I realize there are 2 people in every relationship...but she called me out on my behavior...and I wish that I could argue..but I can't. Because she's right.
Like everyone, I struggle. Very much so, actually. In the few years, I've developed an eating disorder, I struggle with depression, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts. Many times I've wanted to end my life--but I've pressed on for some reason. I survived, but only because of my loving friends.
To my old self: learn to love. Pity parties for yourself never work. Your life will never be perfect, so don't act like it is. Everyone is struggling, so never let perfection try to rule you. Open up to people because lives will be saved and changed because of you. If you never let anyone in, no one will be able to help and you will be helpless. Change. Let people in. Love. Be-friend. Be satisfied with yourself because no weight you weigh will ever be enough. You'll always want more. You're beautiful. Every scar tells a special story.
This article has re-stated into my brain that we need to love and reach out. No one is perfect. We all fall and fail. It is pointless to pretend to be perfect because nothing we do is ever perfect. We all have faults. This article showed me its okay to not be okay. Its okay to let someone know you are struggling. Perfection isn't anywhere close any human. To act perfect is to let go of many friendships and to let many lives fade away. The perfection act needs to stop before its too late.
1) I was raped at the age of 14 and when i came running home my mother who was too high to care called me a liar. that rape resulted in a pregnancy that i later lost. my deepest secret is that i was happy that happened and still am.
2) I have a deep fear of being alone, i sometimes use sexuality to prevent myself from being such, even in situations where it makes me consciously uncomfortable. I recognize this but still can't overcome the urge to fight any sort of being alone with my being, because i'm not happy with who i am.
3) I'll never be able to forgive my mother for the way i grew up and secretly blame her for my fathers suicide when i was 7 y.o. even though i witnessed him doing it myself and know she wasn't there as an influence. Even worse, no matter how depressed i am coming the anniversary of this event, Im not saddened by his absense in my life. I think that my life despite how much i hated it would have been worse were he to be there, and that's why i cry every year at his graveside.
The hardest moment of my life was realizing when I was six that I had torn the only family I really knew apart. I had revealed a nasty family secret that had my dad arrested and in prison for six years. He'd deserved it. Had earned it and is by no means innocent. The guilt was totally destroying me though even now sometimes I struggle with it.
To me then: You were in the right and did nothing to be guilty about. You didn't tear apart your family. It was not your fault those choices were made and you did the right thing. It does not make you ugly. It does not make you stupid. It does not make you a traitor.
The Perfection post made me take a deeper look. Even our best intentions can put that "Perfection Infection" on us. Telling the truth about something you've kept secret for years does it. But will it matter in five years? Does that imperfection that we wish to erase make us ourselves or does it make us everyone else? Perfection is being yourself with all your imperfections... you are perfect... you're perfectly you.
I'm really struggling to think of a single event that qualifies as The Biggest Thing I've Survived. I think Life counts (though I had breast cancer last year and my fianc
Thank you. A lot. There's a lot in your post that lifts my spirit. At least for a while :).
I’m 35 years old. I have overcome a mountain or two (pretty high ones). It took me ages to get over them - more than half my life actually, come to think of it - but eventually I've beaten them both. Gloriously. And after that I went on and put them behind me, actually quite gracefully and with dignity. ***Wow, can't believe I'm actually saying this myself and out loud....how immodest!*** But it IS the one thing I've accomplished in life that I am genuinely proud of. I even feel fully entitled to enjoy and hang on to such pride, for once ... But anyway.
Point is, in the end I learned to love myself. Most of the time I even feel a tremendous amount of love for the entire world and every living creature in it (ok, except bugs) and then some. I'm grateful, optimistic and compassionate. It takes an awful lot these days to get me upset, don't even remember what being distraught feels like. I feel worthy and I feel blessed. I take care of myself and find pleasure in doing so.
And now, while having conquered those huge summits... now, it turns out it’s those tiny crappy pebbles that own the power to really freak me out. Can you believe that? The little stuff. The random, everyday things. So, right now I'm stuck in this temporary rut. I have that from time to time. That's when I just can't seem to usher myself into doing anything useful around the house at all. Even when I really intend to go do my duties, still I fail to snap out of it. I do absolutely nothing that needs to be done. Instead of forcing myself into action mode, I fail to get my act together and I become utterly lazy.
It makes me feel sooo bad and ashamed. I hide the ugly truth from the outside world. It makes me feel I’m a fake, and I can’t stand the fact I’m so weak that I resort to pretending. And I feel really stupid for letting these midget pebbles get to me. Me, unable to take on some insignificant pebbles? Seriously??? Come off it!! I mean, this is the girl that rules over mountains that we’re talking about! I'm pretty sure there is virtually no mountain anymore that could still intimidate me. Been there, done that. You can't scare me no more. I know ultimately I will always be stronger than you anyway. But when some lousy flea-sized pebbles throw themselves at me.... I can only flinch. They scare the sh*tloads out of me! So much so even, that I'm paralyzed for weeks, sometimes months.
And I did learn my lessons on previous occasions, in how to beat them. Several times. I can even recall what I should do, But right now I just can't put my skills into practice. Gets a bit challenging when you can't move at all, you know...
Isn't that ironic?
So yeah, you could say that I can relate to your post to some extent... You not only manage to describe my current personal struggle with striking resemblance. Along the way you also casually succeed to lay a finger exactly on the only trigger still left in me, causing me to suffer from Acute Perfection Disease Attack. The thought of other people thinking that I'm lazy annoys, angers and above all upsets me. The thought that other people would come over to my house without notice, only to discover it's dirty, more than untidy, with tons of laundry scattered everywhere, and a cat’s box in desperate need of a good clean - long story short, that I'm the biggest household failure ever, hence extremely lazy - is the one thing that does send me over the edge easily.
But I definitely like your approach. I’ll try it on for size. If this turns out to really help me getting out of this rut, I should send you a truckload of flowers. At least. Thanks again for sharing this.
1.)My biggest challenge is something I still struggle with today: the abuse I went through and the repercussions of that abuse. Most of it I can't even remember. I wish that I could forget the few memories I have. I hate myself for the things that have happened to me in the past...and the things that I've done in the past. I hate myself so much that two years ago I tried to kill myself. I still think about suicide everyday. I even carved the words "I hate you" into my arm.
I wish that I could stop feeling this way, but I can't. I wish that I could be perfect. That I could be just like everyone else, but I can't.
2.)I'm not sure what I would have told myself back then except to talk to someone. Maybe then I wouldn't have ended up like this.
3.) I just read your post recently. The message is still sinking in. But I hope that from now on I will be real with others and not strive for something that is out of my reach. Thank you. Your post has really given me a new perspective.
my biggest struggle is finding acceptance. All my older siblings and my mom, who is a single parent, have done great things and I know they are going to do many more great things. It's not a competition, but as the youngest, I feel like I have to uphold our family name? I used to have friends but once they started drinking and smoking more than I wanted to, I knew that I couldn't do that all the time AND stay involved. There isn't hostility between me and them but they don't want to really hang around me because I don't do it much. I have become overly involved with school and other things outside of school, including work, to occupy my time. I usually don't get home until 8:30 each night because I fill up my time with anything. I think i just want to prove something to my family and to myself that I can do everything. I know that I should cool off and not do so much, but I don't like to go home because I feel like there's always fights between myself, my mom and sister. It's usually my fault, but sometimes I wish I could do everything all the time and never have to come home.
Right now, I am a little depressed because I don't want to continue doing so many things.. it's exhausting me, but I have a commitment. I can't just tell my family that I work hard all the time and never give myself "me" time because I have to prove something to them, because they would just tell me to quit everything. If I do that, I will be bored and have TOO much time on my hands.
It's hard for me to find people that I can be with for more than a day every now and then. I like everyone, but I can't stand them either. I am not in any clique at school. I try to be friends with everyone, to keep it on good terms with most people. But where does that leave me? Not invited to anything on the weekends. i don't mind it though, I don't pout about it. I know I won't be invited, but it doesnt make me want to be in a tight-knit group. I have to do my own thing, and if that means I do it alone, so be it. I still work hard and too much, and I think it's to open opportunities up for me in the future... that's good, but it makes me sick that I'm working to achieve something I don't even know about yet. i am so set in the way I work that I schedule times to hang out with people on the weekends. I hate that I am not spontaneous like I used to be and able to do anything for an unknown amount of time on Saturday. I am a perfectionist about my life, and I know it. and I don't like it. at all
My biggest mistake by far was living a dishonest life for so many years---from early childhood into my late twenties. By doing so, I missed out on having a healthy relationship with my parents, friends and family. My parents both died young, one of cancer and the other in a single car accident, leaving me with not nearly enough time to really know them at a point in my life where I was just beginning to appreciate them.
If I could speak to my past self I would simply say "Slow down!! People will still like you whether you lead an exciting, adventurous life or not! You are beautifully and wonderfully made and there's no need to try to be anything other than your best self. Your best actually is quite good enough. Appreciate the people in your life because you will not have them forever."
Reading this post has reinforced my belief that all of us are very common. We all share the same struggles, only wrapped in slightly different forms. Knowing that we are all mountains standing shoulder to shoulder in a continuous mountain range feels so much better than thinking that I'm an island. Thank you for what you have accomplished here.
How refreshing! My husband and I have had many conversations on this topic (we used the words "authentic" and "fake" vs. "real" and "perfection"). In any case it's a topic so many are hungry to hear about and I'm relieved somone had the courage to write it. Thank you Dan for your honesty and thank you to all who have had the courage to be vulnerable and share.
The biggest thing I overcame/am still working to heal from is having an abusive father who abandoned me at a young age.
The me now would like to tell the me then: "Counseling is a wonderfully healing thing, don't be embarrassed to take advantage of it. You will break the cycle of dysfunction in your family and you are worthy of being loved just for you, not for the things you accomplish or contribute to the world. Lastly, the Lord has been and always will be your Father, He is good, gracious, and loving and will never fail you."
The Perfection Project has reminded me that my judgement of and gossip about others is really my own insecurity. There is nothing fruitful that comes from it and I need to stop. I am worthy of love and so is everyone else.
I was addicted to porn for a long time, and it still has a hold on me.
constantly masturbating and thinking lustfully, i drove away a lot of the people that cared about me for a screen of naked women. I might have told myself those exact words if i could because as i write them now, i feel horribly ashamed.
My biggest struggle (as I have lived a short life of 18 years) was a boy: the guy that was "the one". Or so, I thought. It was a long distance relationship, but I had given him my everything. We talked on the phone all of the time, constantly having to change house phones due to the battery running out. I wouldn't sleep until 4am sometimes just talking to him, school in the morning. He'd call during my breaks, during lunch, before and after school. I had isolated myself from everybody. When we broke up - I was alone. I hadn't talked to my 'friends' in months, and I hadn't really hung out with anyone because every time they'd invite me out somewhere, I'd say I already had plans: playing mmorpgs with 'him' or calling 'him'. After him, I had a total of 20 boyfriends in the next two years, just to forget.
It took me a very long time to realize that I wasn't alone. I built myself a horrid reputation - although I never slept with a guy, most would get with me because they thought i would. Now I'm dating my best friend of six years, the only guy that has actually stuck around for all of my struggle. I blew him off so many times - and didn't even know he was there for most of it, I was so blind. He knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, and he knows the REAL me. I don't have to be perfect for him, I don't have to try and look beautiful on skype at 2am. [Yes, another long distance relationship, but he went to MIT whereas I stayed in Texas for college]. So all in all- What I would tell myself back then : Don't feel alone, you are loved, and you do have support. Just open your eyes and allow people to embrace you with their honest love, don't ignore them, you're only hurting yourself more. Oh, and stop with the whole, "trying to forget that one guy, so I'll have 20 rebounds" it's pathetic.
This perfection article has made me realize that there is a cure. You don't have to try to show everyone that you're the 'perfect' student, daughter, wife, son, husband, worker. It all narrows down to being happy and at peace with the person that you are. Not being ashamed of who you are, because the truth of the matter is, everyone else goes through something that they too are ashamed of. Everything gets leveled off in the end. And the ones that are worth it, do stay in your life for a longer period of time than expected.
The biggest trial of my life isn't an isolated event, but the long periods of mental unhealth that I've worked my way through, still am working my way through. I've thought that random road signs contained secret messages and curses that would lead to my death, I've thought that if I ever made someone angry or sad they'd kill themselves and I'd be a murderer, I've been lying in my bed shaking so violently that my partner couldn't keep me down, and I've wanted to die.
My message to the me then/now is this: ”Your pain is no less significant than the pain of those around you. Seek the help you need and don't be ashamed of asking for it, it's ok that you can't deal with it on your own, and you deserve to feel better too.”
I read the ”perfection” post at an interesting time in my life, because I'd just made the decision to truly stop being so afraid of the world, and to stop hating myself so much. It confirmed my thoughts about myself, and it was indeed very nice to feel that I'm not alone.
1) I was bullied from my first day of school, and it was relentless, up til the end of college.. I made myself ill to escape, a lot, and my doctors told me I was just a hypochondriac, and then ignored the real problems when they happened.. It was my fault, but noone believed I was being bullied..
My dad used to hit my mom and my sister... be drunk all the time... be terrifying... and then, the first man I met (when I was 12, and he was 14...) took advantage of my need to just be loved and taken care of, and he... I can't say he raped me, because I thought I wanted it. He hit me, once, and the rest of the time just... verbally knocked me down.
Then my mum passed away 8 years ago from cancer, when I was 14, and the cheating guy left 3 months later with a new gf. I feel so selfish and abnormal for wanting to take my life at the age of six, and trying for the first time on my 15th birthday the following Feb. And noone noticed... And I continued being abused mentally and verbally by my dad, and being isolated because my family couldn't even grieve together... It's not over. The scars will never heal.
I put 2) and 3) in a reply to this..
2) You'll survive. You may not want to now, and hells know, I'm still suffering now... But you'll live, and laugh, and love, despite whatever they said to you, did to you, did to people you love. You'll stand in that graveyard and bawl your eyes out every time you visit, seeing all those graves of those you knew and loved, knowing you'll never see them again, but you'll survive. And your dad... He'll get remarried, stop drinking, stop cheating. You'll never forgive him, but I wouldn't take that away from him. And try and cope with all the medications they put you on, despite how rough they make you feel. And treat your sister better. She'll be walking with a cane by the time she's 23.
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My biggest struggle, mistake I ever survived was my marriage. I shouldn't have married him in the first place and after a couple of years, he had an affair, remembering my instilled values, it was hard for me to leave him because you just don't give up and divorce is a sin (as was preached to me over and over). But after the second affair, I sucked it up, put all my insecurites out there and moved on and got a divorce. I'm still dealing with it today!
You're article, I just discovered today and am thankful for it. I wish more people would put themselves out there like you have on every single post that I've read. You give me hope that I can do it too. To let it out all, to be real and be myself. Imperfections and all!
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