As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something much greater.
I have to wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us as individuals right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I have passionately and constantly hurt. It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and even hating myself.
And chances are it’s hit you too.
What is the disease called ”Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it.
We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of “Perfection” are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will probably cry as I admittedly did while writing it. If you don’t, maybe you’re infected with a little too much of this ”Perfection” infection.
“Perfection” is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. “Perfection” keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.
“Perfection” is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those who surround him at the water cooler. ”Perfection” really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn’t she the best?
“Perfection” is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn’t want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can’t because then the “Perfect” people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.
“Perfection” is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. “Perfection” makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.
“Perfection” is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.
“Perfection” is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words “we don’t have the money” are impossible ones to push across their lips.
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Has anyone ever heard of codependency? Perfectionism is just one facet of this multi-faced plague. I invite you to read co-dependent no more or facing codependency. Look it up at your library or on Amazon. I have been going to a recovery group just to overcome my controlling behavior, my owning other's emotions, my inability to love myself for who I am (and my children for that matter). One of the worst parts of this struggle is the guilt and shame that we feel and learned to feel in our childhood. So much of the way children are raised in our society just sets up the next generation for this same problem. We can change this, we can heal and we can give a better life to our children but we need to learn how. I am so grateful to be waking up to this process!
I am a college student working a low salary job. I am a girl who will always wish she looked more like her older sister. I am a 4th child lost in the crowd of children. I am sad and lonely all the time surrounded by a large family. I go through a list of ways to kill myself everyday. I go through a list of reasons not to that is pitifully short in comparison. I smile all day long, and it will never reach my eyes. No one notices. Not one of the crowd of people constantly asking for advice would shed more than a few tears before moving on with their life. So instead of doing the world a favor and disappearing, I dance. Music is what gets into everyone's soul. At least one song has touched everyone, and I want to be able to show how these songs have touched my soul. After that, who knows? I may have found a better reason for living.
I believe this is the best thing about repentance. You can get rid of all those things you don't like about yourself and strive to become a better version of you. I do think the world calls too much on people being without mistakes. Lessons are important to us in helping us learn and become better people. Being kind to ourselves and others is something the world is always in need of.
this morning i have found myself stumbling upon your blog. and may i say, it is quite intriguing! you have a voice that is meant to be heard. anyway, i am a 16 year old girl, and this article has brought tears to my eyes. i'm so happy to see that this "perfection infection" subject is being addressed. growing up in a rather "superficial" enviorment makes being yourself very difficult. but difficult or not, i'm proud to be myself and i love myself just the way i am. i'm short, middle class, shy, and i have electric blue hair. most kids my age and where i'm from are very wealthy, exclusive, judgmental, and hold up the "the picture perfect look". myself on the other hand, am very different from that. and my surroundings seem to think that anything different from "the picture perfect look" is ridiculous and unwanted. but i'm here to say, that i don't care. i love myself, and i am okay with being different. what matters is what's on the inside. a little love goes a long way!
love is the movement.
Wow, you really are a man with the words! This has rocked me to my core,didn't think anyone else had the same doubts as me. We all try to hide things that are imperfect in our lives so the bullies(some which are our loved ones) can not use it against us. I am a married 36 years old with four amazing kids,everything I do in life is for them. But at night and when I am alone I know I am losing a battle with this "perfect" life. My husband tells everyone how much he loves me and how great I am,then the door closes and I am a failure and a freak,half a woman. When I was 23 I had a breast reduction so I wouldn't end up in a wheelchair by age 40,I am JUST 5ft tall and to be size G was too much for my body,anyways the operation was a hack job and let's just say very imperfect. This has made me very insecure and he never misses a moment to remind me of my imperfections. But I am an old fashioned girl and was brought up that if you make your bed you lie in it! Everyone around me is divorcing and swapping mates like crazy, but I just can't! I want my kids to be happy and know there home life is secure,once they are older who knows......So here I am getting ready for another perfect family camping trip and just don't know if I can pull it off this time! If I finally get up the nerve to make myself happy for once will I being hurting my kids? If he thinks I am so gross how will anyone else deal with this? Do I even want to get back into that horrible dating game again? So many questions and no answers! So for all those out there living a lie,and thinking you are alone like me,please know your not! Thanks so much for your blog I read it everyday,sometimes I laugh and sometime I cry,but all that matters you are getting people to think,and sharing a big piece of yourself,which is amazing!!!! Have a great day! :)
Someone may have already shared this, but just in case: Be sure to check out the Ted talks and books by Brene Brown who has studied shame for the last 12 years. She talks about vulnerability and imperfection and the fact that they are what makes us beautiful and until we embrace our imperfections and vulnerabilities we will not live a whole life. The shame we feel and hide will lead to addictions and all the other horrible consequences in this article. It is an epidemic in the US now. I am just learning about all of this myself and want to share her wisdom and findings. She also has a blog. http://www.brenebrown.com/ . She has a book called the 'Gifts of Imperfection.'
We all feel the pressure and the shame. Shining a light on it and realizing that we are all in the same boat will help us get past it to a more full and fulfilled life.
Sure, why not? I am overweight, I cannot control myself around certain foods. I am the woman who had the affair, because I could not confront the imperfection in my marriage. I take things out on my kids (my emotions), I take things out on my boyfriend. I need help, and I'm seeking it. And I promise, I will try to be more real with everyone that I meet, because they are suffering, too. Our pastor says it every week at church: whatever it is you are struggling with, you are NOT the only one. I'm a horrible housekeeper, I am totally scatterbrained and can't find half of the things I need when I need them. But it's not all bad, my kids are healthy and happy, my house is clean (but messy), I have a great smile and a great rack, I care about people, I'm kind, and I am one of the best people you will ever meet at math. You all are not all bad, either. Why don't we celebrate our goodness while we embrace our imperfection and be real with each other; being good is part of reality, too! Oh, and to nattbugg, people push it on other people ALL of the time!
I don't even know where to start. I am not perfect and I admit that. But I sometimes people shove that sign at me and make me carry it. Because of all the things I juggle and manage to keep in the air at once, people say silly things to me about my uncanny abilities and how they wish they could. This makes me think that they see me as something I am not. I keep telling people that being able to do all this doesn't make me super. It makes me dedicated; I just try really hard. But it could all crumble at any time. Is it anyone else's crux to bear that people push perfection ON them?
Published to Voodoo In West African from George Baijtie
Hello Voodoo Psychics, am George from a City in Germany. i requested for a Spell from you 2months back. You cannot believe how i am and my family. We are happy and i managed to buy 2 cars one for me and the second one for my wife and the kids and i bought a house for me and my family. But Priest, i have one problem my brothers say that i can't be with this amount of money unless am a robed some one or am dealing in drugs. Voodoo Priest, how can i convice them? Please Voodoo, email me as soon as posible. Via ([email protected]) Thank you. ant one who needs Spell should contact the Voodo o Home Via Email: ([email protected], tel: +2347030759636,)
George Baijtie,
After reading this on fb on Wednesday, I wrote the following ideas:
It's my theory that the basis of compulsion of all sorts is the drive to perfection. Die to the un/subconscious drive to perfection and awaken to a new life. It's your choice to make within each moment. Stymied? Act AS IF it were so, and take Refuge in your own way. The mind is infinitely pliable.
The Multiverse is always in a state of change. Light exists in concert with darkness. Befriend the shadows within and watch "the light come pouring in."* Befriend the shadows of the World and watch the World come into balance. * Dave Matthews Band
All my best to you on your journey, Melissa Pilar
I have struggled with depression for so long, I can't think how long, maybe 20 years (I am only 29). But it was only last year my mum told me about a radio programme she was listening too, it was about depression and the subject behind this was PERFECTION. For so long I wondered why I get depressed. I got a good life I guess, great family and friends. I am not rich but equally I am not poor. So why do I get down so often and hide away in the dark, treat people close to me with coldness, push the ones I love away and ultimately lose these people because I can not figure out why I get like this.
But when my Mum mentioned this too me, it really struck a chord. It vibrated and resonated through my body, it totally hit the nail on the head. I guess deep down I strive too be PERFECT in everything I do. I want to be the PERFECT son, brother, uncle, friend, boyfriend, I want to be PERFECT at my job, in my hobbies in everything I do. I often stop half way through a lot of things I do, playing a song on my guitar the camera I bought I never made the time to learn how to use it properly. I guess I think I won't succeed I won't be PERFECT at this so I will just stop now before I have started because I don't want to realise I wasn't PERFECT at this in the first place.
I often think how I am OK at playing the guitar, but I am not brilliant. I was OK playing football, but never brilliant. I am an OK electrician but I am not a brilliant electrician. I am OK at doing a lot of things but I am not brilliant or PERFECT in anything I do. I just want to be PERFECT at something, but I never will be. So why bother? Then I wonder why bother with breathing in and out.
The answer is so simple, the answer in the post I read which brought me here. Be REAL! Because no one and nothing in this life is, or ever will be PERFECT. I wish I could take my own thoughts and conclusions and act upon them, to help me with how I feel. But that would be too easy. I just hope one day, some day my life will be, well just PERFECT......
Life has never been perfect for me or my family. My parents got divorced when I was five, I still to this day wonder why i was so disposable why didn't i matter to him when i missed and loved him so much. My mom had severe depression along with other things. she would lock herself in her room and cry for days at a time. my sister would have to go through drawers to find enough change to go to the store for milk or things we needed. I watched my mom go through relationship after relationship, from guys who treated her bad physically and mentally, to guys who were good men but she didn't feel good enough for. i grew up thinking no one will ever stay in my life and i will always have to do it alone. i grew up thinking the only way men will stay is if you do everything in your power to make them happy even if it doesn't make you happy.
when i was in 8th grade i almost lost my mom. She got a blood clot between her heart and her liver. she had to get a liver transplant... i remember my family waiting in the waiting room when the doctor come out to say that they had to bring her back 2 times on the operating table. she was in the hospital for three months and i was having a hard time making good grades in school while my mom was so sick.
when i was 18 my mom had a stroke. i remember her calling me to see if i wanted to go to lunch with her and my sister and i was mad she woke me up.. needless to say i didn't go.. and i will never forgive myself. she had a blood clot in her heart that shot to her head. they couldn't remove it. i remember getting to the hospital after they had moved her to a city over 100 miles away by life flight. when we finally got there the doctor told us they couldn't remove it. he had no sympathy as he told us it was a massive stroke to her left side and she most likely wouldn't make it. they gave her three days saying her brain would swell so much it would push on her brain stem and either kill her or make her brain dead. against all odds she made it through the third day. She has come so far and is so strong. i look up to her. but every day i get scared that something else will go wrong and she wont make it..
now i have health problems of my own. i have a condition called Chiari Malformation, i get horrible headaches that make me dizzy and blurs my vision. i am in constant pain in my neck and back and cant seem to find relief. i am too afraid to ask my doctor for something stronger than ibuprofen because i am afraid of looking like an addict in a town filled with them. i am afraid my family will think i am an addict. so instead of controlling my pain better i deal with it because of the "perfection" infection you speak of.
I know i have the "Perfection" infection because i too try to make my life look a lot better than it is. i try to bottle every thing up so no one thinks i'm being a sissy for crying about my mom being sent to the hospital over and over for some kind of problems that the doctor constantly look over. i bottle it up until i treat my boyfriend rude and get mad at him for things that are not a big deal. i bottle it up until i break. until the littlest thing sends me over the edge. and as i sit there and cry from dropping something because of all the bottled up stress, the boyfriend i just got mad at for no reason comforts me and tells me everything will be okay.
I know i am not perfect and i know i have so many imperfections, but in a family that is so strong and so independent i feel like i have to carry all my problems on my own, i feel like i have to deal with everything alone and i feel like letting someone help me is a weakness others will see in me..
I know i have the "Perfection" Infection because as i write this and lay out all my problems i am afraid people will see this as me wanting attention or other peoples sympathy. i know that isn't what i'm doing but i don't want others to see it as that. Many people deal with way more problems in life than what i have, but who are we to judge other people and their struggles. Someone will always have it harder and someone will always have it better but no matter what we all have our struggles and we all deal with them differently. some of the small struggles are the hardest ones to get through. I wish everyone could understand that it doesn't matter how big or small a struggle is to that person the struggle could be enough to break them. i am a very lucky person to have someone that will stand by me and put his arm around me and say it will be okay. Remember there will always be that one person who will help you through you just have to find them. don't give up when you feel alone, its just taking a bit longer for you to find someone to help you stand.
I have had loads of troubles as a child- they seemed to be never-ending, pouring out of everywhere. I have grown up in a very fucked up family, with a depressed mum, autistic big brothers, a workaholic for a dad.. There wasn't much to be happy about. Then came the big boom, I was only 14 when dad got a massive stroke and since then, he's been laying there in bed in a vegetative state. He can do absolutely nothing. It breaks my heart to see this. It breaks my heart to see life being wasted like this. To have a father, to see your father having a mosquito sucking the blood off his face and not even being able to lift his hand to make it go away, to not even be able to ask for water if he is thirsty, to have to pee and poop in diapers. I have been the one waking up at 4am everyday for three years until I was 18 to change his diapers. Sometimes, he'd just poop while I'm changing him and it'd be such a mess. I would cry and cry and cry but in silence. Because mum was depressed, she would just slap me if she saw. And what about the things I saw my mother do when she would lose it.. She'd see black for minutes (that's what she says, but deep inside, I realised after a while that she was a real attention seeker and that was her cry for help) and would take all her clothes off and try to run out into the streets screaming that she's going shopping while scratching her private parts in a very disgusting way. That marked me for life. And then, there was my little sister, I had to be strong for her. So there was no place for me to have emotions. I became this black void with no emotion but only duties to fulfill, everyday, every night.
I always kept pretending to be happy; i think deep inside, I never stopped pretending. I've become a master of the pokerface. It's sad to say so, it's sad when I realise what I am. People like me but only superficially. Everyone's always tried to befriend me, in my childhood at least, only because I'm a well-known man's daughter, a bit of a celebrity, and with shit loads of money. But I never cared about money, the irony of my destiny. I'd be the very last person God should have given money to.. It killed me, it killed me to see people judging me for being sad because apparently I had no right to be this sad while being this wealthy. It kills me that I can never be myself around others. And then, I grew up and got new friends, they weren't good either. People easily reject you when you seem different. But I have a strong personality and I'll never change for society's fucked up version of a normal person. I'm a hobo at heart, I have no real place where I wanna be, no real place where to settle. My heart belongs to the universe, the whole cosmos. I have this brain that works on a very different wavelength and there are just a very few amount of people, I can count them on one single hand with whom I can try and be the most of myself as i can be. Sometimes, I'll just sit in my room and cry for absolutely no reason and wonder why is that. With time, I healed of most of my scars but they nevertheless are scars, scars that will haunt me for life. I feel blessed to be this beautiful, young woman that I am today. I am aware of how men absolutely crumble at my feet for I am sort of attractive. But it makes me pity them, it makes me wanna shout at them to go away, to run as far away as they can from me for I am nothing good, I am nothing nice. I am fucked up deep inside and only I know how true that is. I lust after love, I am definitely in love with the notion of love. I want a husband and kids later, I want a life of my own. But I also want to say fuck marriage, fuck having my own kids, I'll adopt and that's about it. I wanna dedicate my life to others, I wanna open up charities, foundations, schools for special kids, I wanna give and give and give of myself. I sometimes worry if it's actually something that I was forced into becoming because that's what everyone expected of me -what with the family I had- or if it IS actually who I really am. But I guess no one really knows who they are.
Hmmm.. Love comes and goes, it's not something I really focus on. I think there are much greater, bigger pains in life than a heart-break over a man. But just for the sake of it, I'll write a bit.. Today, today I am in love with this guy. I don't know what I want from him. We said we're gonna break up in a month because we can't do long-distance, both of us, cause I'm going somewhere else for a year. But I do not wish to part from him, he makes me feel special, he makes me feel like I might actually be worth the fight. But Ill never say it out loud, I'll just let him go away, slip away when it's time to say goodbye because if that's what he wants, then so be it. Sometimes, I feel selfish, I feel like I'm asking way too much of him for he is bipolar and he has his issues. So I give him his space, loads of it. But it kills me a tiny bit inside everytime I hear him say no when I ask if we'll see each other tonight. I'm very selfless, so I'll always put his needs before mine. And it's ridiculous because I know I deserve happiness but somehow, I can't allow myself to be happy. I'd rather see everyone happy around me, that makes me content. I wish to just go away, run away to somewhere very far, where I forget about everyone, about my family, about my friends, about him, about myself. I wish I could have a day where I could switch off my brain, this brain that works way too much, way too hard. I wish I could just sit by the shore and be happy. I wish for everything and nothing. I'm fucked up like seriously, wow..
My biggest struggle is my weight i always thoought i was fat and i would always just give up on myself and did not care what i looked like. I always worried about what others thought of me. Know one could tell me I was pretty i would never believe them , I just thought they were trying to be helpgul to make me feel good. As i grew older i learned to realize i need to do things for me and not anyone else. I would tell the next person concentrate on yourself dont worry about anyone else and you would be happy.
Reading this post as well as the comments honestly makes me love humans so much. Everyone has some type of issue and I feel like we should all come together and be kind to every person we meet, but unfortunately that probably won't happen. We all have problems, so why does everyone still have to try to be 'perfect'? It sucks. I want to hug every person who commented!
Wow. It breaks my heart to read the comments, but is strangely comforting knowing that I am not alone.
I can't stop overeating. I lost 70 pounds and I believe my subconscious created food allergies to keep me thin - but I still overeat on healthy food, so I don't gain weight but I still use food as comfort and support to cover up the real problems in my life.
I left my paraplegic husband and was cruel to him as our marriage ended. We were abusive toward each other and I feel massive guilt in regards to how we treated each other and the fact that I left a handicapped man to fend for himself, even though it was necessary to save myself and get the help I needed.
When I left my husband I was too scared/lazy to get a job (Having never been independent before) so I went to grad school. I am now $60,000 in debt for a degree I didn't really want, just because I was too lazy to get a job. I am tremendously ashamed for being so irresponsible.
I suffer from anxiety every day. It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest, nonstop. It is so exhausting that I barely am able to work my serving job, let alone anything with any more responsibility.
I almost feel as if I have some form of dementia (I am 30!) because my brain is so foggy and slow everyday. I can't figure out why my brain doesn't work as it should and it freaks me out.
My childhood was not full of sexual abuse or a lot of physical abuse, but the damage was done. I obsessively search constantly for that which will "fix" me, because I know I'm crazy/fucked up/not good enough.
I have isolated myself for almost two years because putting on a facade is so exhausting. At my job I have to pretend to be happy and upbeat all day long and I am so tired.
I have chronic fatigue, IBS, anxiety, probably some degree of depression. I am ashamed of being tired and that I can't go out to party like other young people. I am also ashamed that my thinking is somewhat disorganized - I fear that I am "coming down" with some sort of mental illness or brain disease, as I have always banked on my intellect as giving me worth.
I don't know how to be authentic. I am afraid to love. I feel ashamed that my life seems so hard when I read these comments of people who have been through so much worse than I have. I feel guilt for making my life more difficult than it should be.
@Layne I read this article and have been reading the posts and your's touched my heart. I'm much older than you but struggled with depression, anxiety, an abusive marriage, sad childhood, and trouble functioning mentally and physically too throughout my life. I know there are answers for you. I'm not 100% happy and functional now but through the years things have improved x10. What worked..improved diet, exercise, find groups of people that you enjoy, meetup.com has groups online, I meditate and have a daily time for reading inspirational things, write down goals and dreams, get extra sleep if you can, get your thyroid checked out..mine wasn't working properly and that can cause tiredness, depression..give love to people who are good people who can love and they'll give it back..just 'cause others have gone through things that are hard doesn't mean your problems are insignificant..I know what you mean about wanting to withdraw..I've been there too..focus on what you want to be and what you want and I know it's possible for you..you can have a joyful life ahead of you..I'll be hoping that for you..
I have mental health issues... big ones. My multiple personality disorder led to the ugly end of my first marriage, and I have hurt a lot of people along the way because of it.
I have sold my body for love, a place to sleep, food in my tummy. I have also been traded around a party for alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. Because of that, I still struggle with massive self-esteem and self-image issues.
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a mother. I try every day to do what is best for my daughter, but I didn't have the best examples of parents growing up, so I'm guessing my way along. My biggest fear is failing her.
I am a recovering addict. Yesterday marked a 4 year anniversary. 4 years ago yesterday, I overdosed while shooting up in my bathroom.
This happened the morning after my then-husband walked out on me and our three kids. I was at home alone with our three kids - who were just 2, 4, 7 years old. My 7 year old daughter found me unconscious, lips and hands blue, and ran screaming down the street for help. I had only started using drugs a year before the overdose at the age of 39. No one knew - not even my then-husband who was an addict for 25 years. I became addicted to drugs after being prescribed opiates for a serious injury. I loved the way they made me feel - like there wasn't a worry in the world. Truth was - there were MANY worries. My then-husband was always verbally & emotionally abusive. After our son was born he started beating me. The drugs were my savior. They kept me going. I smiled at everyone, I always had a joke to tell, and outwardly had positive attitude. I was super-Mom. My house was immaculate. I was the sole bread-winner for a family of five. After putting in 10 hours at work, I'd make dinner, feed my husband and kids, bathes the kids, and read to the before putting them to bed. I owned 2 cars and a home. I tried to keep all the balls up in the air - and was terrified of the eventual day when they would all hit the ground - I knew it was coming, I just never imagined it would come the way it did.
I didn't want to ask for help, because then EVERYONE WOULD KNOW that I was being beaten by my then-husband. EVERYONE WOULD KNOW that I was addicted to drugs. EVERYONE WOULD KNOW that the only reason my house was so clean was because I was fueled by drugs, and EVERYONE WOULD KNOW that I was a lot more like Courtney Love than Martha Stewart. EVERYONE WOULD KNOW that I was a fraud because I smiled, laughed, told jokes - and the whole time I was so very unhappy and despondent over my once-beautiful life gone horribly wrong. EVERYONE WOULD KNOW ...
EVERYONE WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS NOT PERFECT -And I feared the shame and guilt. And once EVERYONE DID KNOW that I wasn't no where near perfect, I found out who my true friends were. They were the ones who didn't judge me, even if they never experienced a single thing that I was struggling with. They were the ones who didn't run out on me once it was THEIR TURN to help ME for a change.
Turns out, EVERYONE DID KNOW someone like me who has dealt with the very same painfully UN-PERFECT things in their lives.
EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW that then can continue to guilt & shame me all they want - I know that I made a terrible mistake, but I picked myself up and kept moving forward - and they should consider doing the same because I no longer live in the past that they are still judging me on. I have accepted responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my ex-husband for my addiction and eventual overdose. I was a 40 year old woman who was afraid of what people would think. I should have not given a rats-ass what ANYONE would think and asked for help.
I'm stronger and wiser now. I NEVER imagined my life taking that turn. I know I am a more humble person for the experience. I don't judge people anymore, either. I've learned the hard way that you DON'T KNOW what pain someone else is hiding.
Funny thing is - It's such a RELIEF to not have to put up that charade anymore. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. This is the totally un-perfect ME. Take it or leave it.
Love & Respect,
K~
I think I'm too skinny. People always comment on how tiny I am, and that I look anorexic. I'm not, I just have a fast metabolism. I actually eat quite a lot. Even though I think I am too skinny, I am terribly afraid of gaining weight. If I eat a lot one day I feel like I have to go for a run. And if I go for a run I have to run a lot. One or two miles isn't good enough. I have to run until I physically can't anymore, then I have to do an ab workout, and then I have to run more. I'm self conscious about being too skinny, but I'm afraid of gaining weight. It's a ridiculous contradiction and I hate it. I'm most self conscious about how small my wrists are. I used to always wear bracelets or long sleeves to cover them up, but now it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Even though I know people usually mean it as a compliment, it still hurts when someone says that I'm too skinny.
I used to stress so much over my school grades because I felt so much pressure from my mother to get all A's. I would slack off in school because I didn't care that much about my grades, but then once my mom saw how behind I was she would freak out and put loads of pressure on me to be "perfect". She would always make it sound like she was so perfect when she was my age and I wasn't even close. The pressure is still there, but I've learned not to care as much.
I used to always think about cutting myself, but I never did because I didn't want anyone to find out about it. Instead I would bite myself or snap a rubber band across my wrist. One time my mom caught me snapping my rubber band and made me feel ashamed for doing it. After that I made sure to be more careful about it. I never wore my rubber band on my wrist because I was afraid that they would see it and know. So I kept it in my pocket or somewhere like that.
My father is a drug addict and an alcoholic. Every time that I used to confront him about anything he would call me a bitch. There was so much stress in my household while I was growing up that anytime I would try to talk to either of my parents they would snap at me. I learned to just be quiet and not say anything. That's a hard thing to unlearn and I still carry that with me today. I'm afraid to talk to people because I'm afraid of how they will react towards me. I feel really stupid about it, but I can't help it. I've been trying my whole life to get over it, but it's hard. I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go still. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever get there.
My biological mother left when I was a baby, came back for about 6 months when I was 8 years old, then left again without a word to anyone. My father moved put when I was about 14 years old. He moved in with the woman he was having an affair with. I felt as though he chose her over me. Sometimes I still feel like he chooses his current wife and step children over me constantly. Currently by older brother has dropped off the face of the earth. He tells me he'll call or come visit and then never does. Most of the time he just ignores me though. I feel like I have been abandoned by my whole biological family, and that makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. I live with my step-mother (who I've referred to as my mother in this post), and my half-brother. The only reason why I haven't been abandoned my my mother is because she's stuck with me. My dad left and didn't even try to bring me with him, so what choice did she have? She could have kicked me out but then she wouldn't seem "perfect".
Even as I'm writing this I feel like my problems aren't bad enough to be complaining about. I feel like I'm whining and I don't have any reason to be upset about any of this because there are people that have and are going through worse. I tell myself that anyone who might read this would just tell me to suck it up because I don't have it that bad. That I'm just being a baby and I'm overreacting about everything. It's messed up and I hate it so so much.
@CeraKay Those are huge things, you aren't over reacting, there is huge pressures from society to fuel the contradiction you have recognized within your own ideas about your image. It drives many other people to act in ways they would rather not.
Your family issues are as bad as you say they are. Your view is not wrong, it takes a long time to learn that, but big things include issues with people close to you and especially where you live/spend a lot of time. If there are any decent help lines in your area it might be an idea to call them, in case the reason you haven't is because you think other people have it worse. There are lots (in case you get one that's totally fail, it's not you it's them if that happens) and some will let anyone talk to them about even little things, and you wouldn't be wasting their time because the volunteers would rather have a chat to you than sit and wait for a phone to ring.
@CeraKay My heart is breaking for you tonight as I read your words, you dear dear girl. I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a hug. Someday you will have the chance to make your own family, and be surrounded by love, keep hanging in there.
I am lazy. I have been as long as I can remember, and I dislike myself for it. It doesn't bother me as much if it only affects me, for example "I don't have to cook and eat, because the undernourishment will only happen to me; no one else will have to feel hungry" or "I don't have to clean my room for a few years, or do the laundry for a few months, because no one else has to live in my pigsty of a room or wear my dirty clothes except me."
But sometimes, I let my laziness hurt loved ones, and the self-dislike turns to self-hatred. I didn't go to the wedding of someone who was probably my best friend at the time, because it was a two-hour drive. A few hours before the event, I ended up deciding it was easier just to say I had to work, or I was sick. So I didn't go. I kept getting phone calls asking where I was, and when I would get here, and I didn't answer. It plagues me to this day to think of how badly I must have hurt her and her husband, who was also a close friend of mine. I am so sorry.
Part of me hopes she will happen to read this article, and happen to read this comment, and happen to realize it's about her. But that's just me being too lazy to overcome myself and apologize to her in person.
My father left when I was young, my step-dad was emotionally abusive, one of my cousins sexually abused me several times when I was in 4th grade (I never told my family), a family friend raped me when I was a pre-teen (I never told anyone), I dated a guy when I was 16 who coerced me into performing sexually on his friend and his brother... I'm short, I'm fat, I feel like I am a hideous cave troll. I am married to a man I'm not sure if I love whose default emotion is anger. I'm going to school and working and I feel like I am drowning in my life. I am the girl who contemplates suicide daily and won't do it because of how it would "look". Every day I walk out of the house with a mask on and my classmates and professors and coworkers think I am an amazing superwoman who is friendly and accepting of everyone. I don't know how to fix myself.
Growing up, family was always the most important thing. I found out I can have kids and I don't think I deserve to find a man to love. Why should I be married when I can't have a family? I deserve to be alone
Yep ... I could tick loads of those boxes ... hate my body, I am fat and ugly, hate how food controls me, hate the fact that perfect airbrushed people appear in magazines and on TV creating this yearning for perfection and creating an inferior class at the same time, hate the fact that I have allowed people to make me feel like this, I didn't have the courage to challenge them but just let them wear me down secretly inside and now I am living with the inherent aftermath, ... I so wish I could throw caution to the wind and shale of the feelings of paranoia that I have. I hate what society has created.
This is a wonderful post. I'm going to list some of my wonderful faults/things I've felt ashamed of in my life. Some are old, but some still effect me. I'd like to preface it though with me being a lot happier person than I used to be, and that life does inface become easier to deal with/better when you let yourself be yourself.
I don't believe in God, but I am spiritual. I'm attracted to both genders. I binge on food, and eat to feel happy, then always feel guilty later. Sometimes I think about calling up my aweful, abusive, dickhead exs because I'm so lonely and cant get up the courage to find someone who would value me, because I secretly don't value myself. I used to avoid looking in the mirrors. More than once I've lied to cover my own ass at the expence of others. I feel anxious all the time. I have full on panic attacks about once a week; the last one was because I was so afraid to tell my parent I was withdrawing from a class, and we would be out $350. I think my parents love my brother more than my sister and me, because he's the only son. I take my feelings out passive aggressively on my bestfriend, because I think she's better than me.
These two hit me the hardest. Two things that I am really struggling with right now and trying to make them "Real."
>> You aren’t the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.
>> You aren’t the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can’t figure out why.
Dude, that post was amazing. We are kindred spirits. In fact, you have just inspired me to finally start my blog. What you do has tremendous value and I honor that. Thank you.
I am constantly struggling with being the perfect parent, wife and homemaker. It all comes from outside sources. I get a lot of comments about how lucky it must be to stay home with my children, which it is, but it is not always a cake walk. There is a lot of sacrifice and stress when your husband is self employed and solely on commission and no money comes in for 6 months. We have three children, all 5 and under, and as much as I love them, there are many days I don't always like them. I yell at my kids, I give them timeouts and I have even spanked 2 out of 3 of them. I am the WORST house keeper. I would rather procrastinate cleaning for days on end and play with my kids or read or play on the computer. The kicker to all of this is I constantly justify myself to my husband. What I spend money on, why the house is not cleaned, why I punished the kids.
The saving grace to this is that my husband is REAL. He loves me for my flaws. There is no need for me to justify anything to him. He knows that life gets me down, he knows I overreact and he knows I have a temper. He stands by me and loves me for who I am, both on the outside and the inside (I won't even touch on my 'Perfection' issues on the outside).
Thank you for this post. I wish there were more people that were willing to admit and accept their flaws and shortcomings. It would make raising 3 children in todays society much easier. The first step is with myself and changing how I am. I have started to open up about the financial struggles we have been having with my friends and some are still around and some are not. At least I can start to tell which ones are REAL!
I struggle with food. I was heavy for so long and I finally got thin after 2 kids. But I love food SO much that I couldnt out work my eating habits so I started throwing up and chewing and spitting. Its disgusting and I hate myself for it. I dread that I will pass this nasty habit onto my beautiful amazing children
Intense. I know body image issues, but I was so skinny and so unhappy as young girl, I was a model. I would go to calls and my hips were too wide, my shoulders to small, my skin too freckled, and my hair too red. I still got the cover. I never was happy, I was too fat, I was too thin, my feet were ugly, my smile wasn't wide enough. Men would try to touch me everywhere I went, women would hit on me and I was innocent to that, I thought they wanted to be my friend ( I learned the hard way). I had no friends, she thinks she is all that,(they said) she is too pretty, a girl told me, I was a whore another one said. I was so young and had noone, but me. I wrote everything down, it must be me, I need to change, I need to please people? I found myself in a violent relationship for 10 years, trying to please Him. One day I found freedom, but the scars are too deep, I wish I was still innocent. I wish I could love harder, I wish people were nicer, I wish there was no evil. What I know now, is to do better! Identify the bad in people and not to be blind to the bad but cautious, careful, and be happy with me right now. I choose to be happy, I choose to be successful, I choose ME. You have to love you. I learned everything the hard way. I am now less than that perfect girl on the cover of a magazine. I believe in God my way and She/He just wants me to do my best and live without pain to myself and to others. I decide the path I take and road I am on, now is so not perfect, but I have known so much bad that anything is better, than that. I love me. I really appreciate what you write Dan, and if I wasn't married, you would have been someone I was attracted too, but I was way to shy then to be honest with others or me. I was way to scared to talk to anyone, and maybe someone in your past never told you they liked you because they were afraid to tell you how they felt. I am really glad there is a dent in your wall and not on someones face, it is a reminder, you are doing better.
Last week I was attending an event that I'd looked forward to for quite some time. My depression was flaring up badly, and I found that I couldn't enjoy the event at all. I started avoiding people and ended up in an office, crying for no reason. I felt completely pathetic. I felt like such a weak person, because nothing was wrong and yet it felt like the world was crashing down around me. I started thinking of all the "real" problems other people have, horrible things that happen to others, and felt like such a schmuck for thinking that I had any problems at all. I thought to myself, "Since I'm feeling so weak, I need to do something to make myself strong." So I thought I'd go home and do something that I was good at. But for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything I was good at.
On the outside, I'm a very successful person, just out of grad school and already in a permanent position in my field. But I hate my job. Every single day when I wake up, my stomach knots up and I feel dread.
I am a shoplifter. I can't seem to stop, no matter how hard I try. Part of me is terrified of being caught. Part of me thinks I'm too good to get caught. Most of me is hoping I get caught so I can get some help.
I'm a liar. All I want is for other people to be happy and comfortable around me. I am always told things like, "I've never told anyone this" or "you're the only one I can talk to." This is only possible because I adjust my personality, my likes and dislikes, my ideas and beliefs in order to make those around me feel completely safe. I think of myself as a chameleon - I change myself so that I can survive because I'm pretty confident that if I acted like my true self, I would be completely alone. I feel like I have absolutely no direction or purpose. My future appears to be a huge stressful and useless blank and I think almost every day about just giving up and killing myself. When I'm around other people I don't feel as sad, but that's only because I'm so focused on making them feel happy. It is the only thing that I feel is of worth about me and yet it makes me unhappy because it is all a lie.
Reading through other people's responses has made me feel a little better. I felt like I was being dramatic when I was thinking suicidal thoughts, but for some reason having it be more common than I'd believed helps me not feel so pathetic.
I'm Kate, a 20 year old girl who struggles everyday with money issues, body image issues, and work issues.. and to be honest this really touched me. Sometimes I feel so alone when it comes to things, and then I realize my life isn't so bad and some people have some of the same problems I do. I'm lucky enough to have a fiance that loves me dearly, and yes we have our problems, we're not perfect by any means, but he supports me so much and I return the favor. But he likes me...for me, with or without makeup, jeans and t-shirt or all dressed up... And it breaks my heart to think that someone doesn't have that kind of support. I lost a couple of good friends because of this "disease" and it really does hurt... People don't realize that we were put on this earth for a greater reason then to "keep up with the Jones'". We all need to pull together as a unit and help each other and be better role models for future generations. I'm almost afraid to have a child or children, and put them in this world and expose them to something so destructive...It scares me as an adult, and I know how it felt as a child.
-I smile every day and act like every thing is great and nothing bothers me but when no one is looking, I fall apart, alone.
- I grew up being called fat and worthless and I'd try so hard to lose weight but couldn't and then I'd be told "See, you are worthless, even when you try you can't"... I still battle with my weight and no matter what I do I can't lose it...and I still feel worthless.
- I fought ALL the time when I was younger, was mean and vicious to anybody that I felt the need to be, never even really needed a reason...even now I can still get that way
- I smoke pot, took pills and drank a lot when I was a teenager, I did so much that there are people and events that I'm told about that I do not remember at all
- Some days I am mad for no reason at all and I take it out on people I care about
- Most of the time, I hate myself
- I am a mean and rotten person to my one step daughter, because I am jealous of how naturally happy she is, how pretty, how sincere, and just how much of a wonderful person she is, and I feel that her dad likes her way more than me.. (what an awful thing)
- I work two jobs, and try hard to stay away from my kids so that they wont end up mean like me.
- I attempted suicide when I was 8, and have thought about doing it almost every day since, because I feel unwanted, unloved and basically just worthless every day. I feel like I accomplish nothing in life.
- My dad used to call me a worthless fat bitch, and I believe it to this day. And now my fiance calls me the same thing.
- People look at my life and think that I live a perfect wonderful life, with a fiance that buys me anything I want and loves me, and 4 beautiful girls. Little do they know I work hard for everything I have, I feel like I have to ask for permission to get anything I want or need. I am loved very dearly as much as I know that is a fact, I don't feel that way very often.
- I strangled a girl once in high-school, almost to the point of her going unconscious, all because she called me a bitch.
-I make up a lot of stories just to make my life more interesting or funny.
-I stress myself out on a day to day basis with a packed schedule so that I can feel I am fulfilling my duty as a daughter, college student, and member of society.
-I constantly think my parents forgot about me when I went to college
You damn sure speak the truth and sad to say it is true in many facets....you are 'real' for posting this. I am guilty of my own past 'perfections' which I no longer give a shit about. I'm 'real' now too. Thanks for posting this.
P.S. Thank you and I'm sorry for all the pain you've suffered and for all we see every day. God bless you :)
People make fun of me because i'm so real, thank you for sharing, I'm right there with you brother!
I know the feeling, I deal with it every day. When I read the part about the woman, who thinks about killing herself daily.... That.. is me. I have bi polar disorder, Social anxiety disorder, PTSD from the sexual abuse that was done to me when I was 5 until I was 12. But I try and remain perfect for everyone, but inside all I think about is dying...I try and be.. what I cant be so that I will be liked and loved. I am fat, I know I am, and I don't want to be, sometimes I make myself throw up what I ate because I don't want to be fat, I want to be skinny after all thats what the men want, is it not? I don't know anymore, but I am so glad that I am not alone.. -Melanie-
I started crying as soon as I read to the paragraph about being the daughter with the eating disorder she hides from everyone. I'm one of the worst offenders of perfectionism and always have been, but my world has always encouraged that. My friends would always say, I don't get how you do it! You're a model, but you're also smart, and nice, and funny, and athletic, and hardworking, and friends with everyone, and...
I lied about jobs I've gotten.
I've lied about my athletic and musical accomplishments.I make myself throw up almost every day.
I have zero control of myself around food, either eating everything or nothing.
I shoplift food for binges because I wouldn't be able to afford the amount I binge and purge otherwise.
I've crammed for almost every test I've had rather than actually studying for it and remembering it.
And when cramming doesn't work, I always have a note card cheat sheet up my sleeve.I almost failed out of school last year because of my depression. Everyone still thinks I'm a stellar student.
I wax because the pain feels like cutting but without the questions or scars.
I was raped by my boss.
I've been molested by photographers that I've worked with.
I've cheated on every single boyfriend I've ever had. Only one found out.
I'm "friends" with everyone, but I could only ever actually call for one of them if I needed help.
I smile and laugh when I don't mean it because it keeps people from wondering.
I hate lying to my friends, I hate lying to my family, I hate cheating on my boyfriends. I've got a good soul, I'm just painfully human and afraid to let anyone see it.I started crying as soon as I read to the paragraph about being the daughter with the eating disorder she hides from everyone. I'm one of the worst offenders of perfectionism and always have been, but my world has always encouraged that. My friends would always say, I don't get how you do it! You're a model, but you're also smart, and nice, and funny, and athletic, and hardworking, and friends with everyone, and...
I lied about jobs I've gotten.
I've lied about my athletic and musical accomplishments.I make myself throw up almost every day.
I have zero control of myself around food, either eating everything or nothing.
I shoplift food for binges because I wouldn't be able to afford the amount I binge and purge otherwise.
I've crammed for almost every test I've had rather than actually studying for it and remembering it.
And when cramming doesn't work, I always have a note card cheat sheet up my sleeve.I almost failed out of school last year because of my depression. Everyone still thinks I'm a stellar student.
I wax because the pain feels like cutting but without the questions or scars.
I was raped by my boss.
I've been molested by photographers that I've worked with.
I've cheated on every single boyfriend I've ever had. Only one found out.
I'm "friends" with everyone, but I could only ever actually call for one of them if I needed help.
I smile and laugh when I don't mean it because it keeps people from wondering.
I hate lying to my friends, I hate lying to my family, I hate cheating on my boyfriends. I've got a good soul, I'm just painfully human and afraid to let anyone see it.I can relate to the first example of this article. My ex-girlfriend and I were in a similar relationship. I found myself telling my friends and family that she was a really good person. However, they could see through my lies and tried to get me to see that I was only lying to myself about our relationship and it was getting worse as time went on. Then the ugly truth came out and she broke up with me, leaving me there trying to figure out what I did wrong.
If I could write a note to myself in the past, it would probably go something like this. Dear me, you are about to be in a relationship that feels like you are meant to be, but it is not the case. So don’t beat yourself up over it because you will find your true soul mate in the near future. Enjoy the time that you have while you are young and spend more time focusing on school and classes because even though you don’t plan on going to college right now, you may change your mind in the future.
While I would argue that the article didn’t change my life forever, I will say that it gave me an opportunity to reflect on my past and the decisions that I have made. I understand that I will never be able to talk to my past self, and ultimately don’t regret any of my choices; I believe it is good to always learn from my mistakes. I would recommend this article to others and believe that they may have a similar reaction to my own. The idea of perfection as mentioned in the article can be a distraction to many, but in my own opinion it also allows individuals to work towards bettering themselves when they keep it within check and realize their own limits.
.....it wasn't until my late 30's early 40's that I truly arrived at this conclusion. I WAS a perfectionist. It took some group therapy from the role of the "supporter".....to realize that enabling was my personal hell. I am free now and able to live a life of true self actualization. The problem is.....teaching my own children to walk the line of truth. The daily worry of their pathway through life....is much more of a challenge than my very own. I hear myself saying...." things are not always the way they appear on the outside......we are not walking on this earth to emulate the false appearance of others".....Can't we all just accept that we are flawed and equal in this journey we call "life"......can't we?
It amazed me the day I realised that life was so much easier when I allowed myself to be 'wrong' or 'imperfect'. I stopped lying about myself and saying what I knew people wanted to hear. A huge weight just dropped off my shoulders.
Plus- I stopped hanging around people who have the perfection infection. I would rather be alone than in that kind of company. Unless they respond positively to my honesty. In that case, honesty might help them feel safe to be imperfect.
okay, i'll get real.
i have borderline personality disorder. look it up.
this illness causes me to have no control over my emotions, among other things. often times the intensity of my emotions are extremely inappropriate for the situation. I have hit myself over the head with my blow driver until i bled because i was unable to express my anger. I used to cut myself when my feelings devoured me and i couldn't see a way out.
i have had this illness since i was 12. everyone in my school thought i was crazy. i know because they told me. I was promiscuous, impulsive and addicted to multiple substances. when you approached me, you never know who you were really approaching. I could be the sweetest little girl, or the meanest, nastiest bitch in the world.
i was not diagnosed until 21. three years later my illness is finally under control. yet to this day when i speak about it i'm told that i am victimizing myself and seeking attention.
it still gets the best of me sometimes. there are days where my boyfriend and i will get in a small fight about laundry and suddenly i'm up in his face threatening to leave him. I will yell, hit, throw things, and when he attempts to walk away I'll cry, beg for forgiveness, degrade myself, withdraw, and finally calm down. all in the time span of one hour. it's exhausting.
its not an accurate representation of who i really am. i am usually a very friendly and respectful person. but because of my illness i have lost a lot of people that i really cared about. and as they left they never forgot to mention, "your crazy".
my point being.
i contemplated suicide numerous times
i have struggled with anorexia, anxiety, drugs, sex, abortions, sexual orientation, the works.
i am still here.
i am happy
it was all worth it.