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The disease called “Perfection”

Dinner

As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something much greater.

I have to wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us as individuals right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I have passionately and constantly hurt. It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and even hating myself.

And chances are it’s hit you too.

What is the disease called “Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it.

We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of “Perfection” are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will probably cry as I admittedly did while writing it. If you don’t, maybe you’re infected with a little too much of this “Perfection” infection.

“Perfection” is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. “Perfection” keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.

“Perfection” is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those who surround him at the water cooler. “Perfection” really does keep people from being real about the truth.  You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn’t she the best?

“Perfection” is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn’t want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can’t because then the “Perfect” people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.

“Perfection” is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. “Perfection” makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.

“Perfection” is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.

“Perfection” is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words “we don’t have the money” are impossible ones to push across their lips.

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6172 comments
WadeLyons
WadeLyons

My name is Wade Lyons and my EX-Wife dumped me 8 months ago after I caught her of having an affair with someone else and i insulting her. I want her back in my life but she refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their EX back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him..... he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my EX-Wife will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my EX-Wife called Victoria came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again. Once again thank you Dr. Zexta Gio the great spell caster, you are truly talented and
gifted contact his email: [email protected]

psaunders
psaunders

During my last year of high school I was struggling and did not really know how I would graduate. I have never been a morning person and I started school in the morning at 8:30 I would arrive at school grouchy and just over it. I went through 4 years of high school feeling the same every morning I just really seem to hate school I was not very focused either I had peers and other people I could reach out to but I just choose not to. That was my mistake I needed someone to talk to someone to motivate me even though I had self motivation I still needed someone in my ear. I felt like all my family had to tell me was to just make sure i graduate they did not have anything else to offer. What the schools were teaching us my family was not taught that so I was on my own. I was not that far off track I was just being lazy and did not want to do anything at all. I had to buckle down and do what I had to do to graduate I have dreams in life so I had to focus on what's right. When I graduated with my class it was the happiest day of my life also just knowing that I can do what ever I put my mind to was an eye opener for me to. 

People need to understand that no one's perfect you are your own definition of perfect so do not try to fit anyone else definition of perfect.

SevdaGulea
SevdaGulea

Have been all over looking for solution to my Marriage until i tried out the internet, I found Dr. Zexta Gio whom people talked about and shared good testimonies about him, My Husband has decide to leave our marriage, because he said he can't stand my mom, But i love my Husband so much that i can let him leave after 8years of marriage. So the Dr. Zexta Gio did changed the whole problems and issue to testimony, He did a spell to calm and reconcile my mom and my Husband and then carryout a spell to make my husband love me more and remain in our marriage. I saw results after 2days and to be frank and sincere, this Dr. Zexta Gio is a God sent. My family is as peaceful and lovely as i asked for. I'm grateful friends in case you need the help of Dr. Zexta Gio kindly mail him on ([email protected]). Sir, i will forever recommend you all over the world.

bolaji
bolaji

Hi, I am bolaji. I relate with the term perfection that society dawns on its casualties. Its maybe all that is maybe fixed into this vortex. However, I am glad we can share this voice to tell how what been perfect can really be a disease. As a young lady especially at teenage years it is an endless circle around perfection we never grasp. The need to look good, young and restless, and the for acceptance.

Times will be that the way I look would feel not pleasing to me because I feel the need to look good before I am looked by friends or given much kudos in a gathering etc, the need to keep buying shoes, changing hairstyle, new clothes, be here and there all to be in the unnecessary know that I am noticed and lastly, to have a boyfriend will make you seem important and doing things to please him or walk around with him in sightings places makes one feel acclaimed.

I see all this quest as worthless me sending a message to who I was then. It may be difficult to accept that you don't have to be that kind of person because one may feel left out because that is what the perfection has set it to be. One doesn't have to look good to be perfect, one doesn't have to dawn the finest or latest of things to be accept and one does not need to be of the opposite sex to be acclaimed not to add the topic of pre martial activity.

Reading this blog opened my perception of the idea of being perfect. no one can be perfect. I grasp that understanding. Being real is the best thing one can do for him or herself. Going for some you think you should have is wanting be perfect and this article has made me to realize that I do not have to because it does not make me real.

LeeMarieLeeMarie
LeeMarieLeeMarie

My name is Lee Marie from UK am 30 years old i got married at the age of 24 i have only Two child and i was living happily .After five year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dream’s of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail, i cry and cry seeking for help, i discussed it with my best friend Allix and she promise to help me. She told me of a man called DR godfather, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has help countless number of people in restoring their relationship. I was really convince, I quickly contacted his email address at [email protected] . I explain all my problem to him, he told me that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, and it really happen as he said, i was very surprise, this is so amazing.

To God be the glory our relationship is now very tight and we both live happily again. If you having similar problem, Contact him now([email protected]) and get your problem solve once and for all. i am a living testimony to it.
1) If you want your ex back.
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(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
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  You can also reach him through his mobile number +2347037285140
and his Email Address; [email protected] contact him immediately.


Trelinda Hill
Trelinda Hill

Trelinda Hill

Hi guys I many years ago I tried to be perfect and it didn't work at all. As matter of fact as human beings, we want never be perfect. In my teen years I used to try new things. I would go out and party with my friend and just be a typical teen. As a 22 year old female, I have been set back from a lot of my goals in life. I settled down to early and started having kids instead of living the normal college kid life. Although I had made the decision of being a mom at an earlier age, my family supported me well on.

Warren Abrey
Warren Abrey

I can't be perfect, this was a hard lesson to learn and it took my wife leaving - telling me she'd been pretending for years - it took her realizing that she couldn't be perfect for me to realize I couldn't be.  I'm struggling now, I'm struggling to recognize my weaknesses, identify the ones I need to and want to work on - but I'm doing it with more awareness than I think I ever thought I would have - and posts like this, they help - thanks Dan.

MAMA ANITA
MAMA ANITA



BE CAREFUL HERE NOBODY CAN HELP YOU HERE OR EVEN SUGGEST HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR EX OR LOVE BACK,ANY TESTIMONIES OF MOST SPELL CASTER HERE MUST BE IGNORE.BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE SCAM I MEAN REAL SCAM WHICH I WAS A VICTIM AND I GOT RIPPED OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO GET MY WIFE BACK AFTER SHE LEFT ME FOR OVER 2 YEARS WITH MY 7 YEARS OLD SON JERRY,I HAVE APPLIED TO 7 DIFFERENT SPELL CASTER HERE AND ALL TO NO AVAIL THEY ALL ASK FOR SAME THING SEND YOUR NAME YOUR EX NAME ADDRESS AND PICTURE PHONE NUMBER ETC WHICH I DID OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND MOST OF THEM WERE FROM WEST AFRICA UNTIL ISAW A POST ABOUT MAMA ANITA SPELL AND I DECIDED TO GAVE HER MY LAST TRAIL.SHE ASK ME FOUR THINGS MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND $180 AND SAID MY EX WILL COME BACK IN 24HOURS, I HAVE PAID OVER $3000 ON SPELL CASTING AND COURIER AND NOTHING HAVE WORK FOR ME AFTER 3 DAYS I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST SO FAR SO I SAID LET ME GIVE HER A TRY SO I CALLED HER AGAIN AND SEND MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND THE $180 BECAUSE I SWEAR IT WAS MY LAST TRY SO I WAS WAITING AS SHE TOLD ME TO WAIT TILL NEXT DAY AND I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE MY WIFE AND WANT HER BACK AT 9PM THAT DAY I SAW MY WIFE ON LINE ON FACE BOOK AND SHE SAID HI AT FIRST I WAS SHOCK BECAUSE SHE NEVER TALK WITH ME FOR THE PAST A YEAR AND 9 MONTH NOW I DID NOT REPLY AGAIN SHE SAID ARE YOU THERE? I QUICKLY REPLY YES AND SHE SAID CAN WE SEE TOMORROW I SAID YES AND SHE WENT OFF-LINE I WAS CONFUSED I TRY TO CHAT HER AGAIN BUT SHE WAS NO MORE ON LINE I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT AS I WAS WONDERING WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY, BY 7.AM THE NEXT MORNING SHE GAVE ME A MISS CALL I DECIDED NOT TO CALL BACK AS I WAS STILL ON SHOCK AGAIN SHE CALL AND I PICK SHE SAID CAN WE SEE AFTER WORK TODAY I SAID YES SO SHE END THE CALL IMMEDIATELY I GOT OFF WORK SHE CALL ME AND WE MEET AND NOW WE ARE BACK AGAIN I CALL MAMA ANITA THE NEXT DAY THANKING HER FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE IN FACT I STILL CALL HER AND THANK HER AS MY LIFE WAS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MY WIFE PLEASE BE CAREFUL HERE I HAVE BEEN SCAM THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IF YOU WANT A TRUE LOVE SPELL THEN CONTACT MAMA ANITA ([email protected])

H
H

I fell in love with a married man.


After that ended, I went looking for love with whomever I could.


I was never the other woman until then.


I have this inner voice that tells me how unattractive I am, and because of that I thrive on attention. I love being around men/women that tell me how attractive they think I am, ask me to dance, buy me drinks, etc.


I want nothing more than for the guy that I'm with now to be on the same fitness level as me so we can be "perfect" together.


I binge eat. It's getting better, but as soon as the going gets tough, I have a few drinks... and then my give a fuck goes out the window and I eat everything in sight. I hate myself as I do it.


I hate myself now.


I don't know what to do to be genuinely happy.


I'm more lost now than I've ever been.


I need help, but out of fear for my job I won't talk to anyone.


I just wanna go home. 

Womi
Womi

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Womi
Womi

Most Powerful Black Magic by Dr. PayBack
Black Magic is a very renowned form of magic and need less to say that a very bad reputation surrounds black magic spells, sometimes with reason, but there are still many false ideas to correct. First of all, black magic can be very useful to cast magic love spells. Some persons believe that black magic can be used only to cast revenge spells. Secondly, it’s often said that black magic spells backfire. Concerning this matter, black magic is not different than other magical arts: it depends how the spell is cast. A professional spell caster always takes care that there is no possibility of backfire or bad karma. Thirdly, black magic doesn’t involve negative side-effects. As backfires, if the spell is cast by someone who knows a lot about the Craft, the spell will achieve its purpose and nothing bad will occur… unless you really want it!
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Womi
Womi

REVENGE SPELLS and JUSTICE SPELLS
If you are seeking Revenge Spells like Curses, Hex, Black Magic, Witchcraft and VooDoo Dolls you may be surprised at what you find. Revenge Spells are a very tricky thing to find. Legit and effective Revenge Spells are actually called "JUSTICE SPELLS" and are cast by professional Spell Casters to help a client get justice for being hurt or for being wronged.
Here at Modern Love Spells we offer Revenge Spells but the true definition is JUSTICE SPELLS. These Spell Castings are cast for our clients with several goals. Mainly, justice is being sought. Many times a client will need a Revenge Spell cast for him or her because they were wronged by an ex lover. The reason you may need a Revenge Spell or a Justice Spell is irreverent.
If the Casting is Justified or not is entirely up to you. We simply offer the Justice Spell (revenge spell) and you decide who the Casting is for.
Below are a few types of Revenge Spells or Justice Spells and their names. Each Casting is different from the last and creates a different result of course. Let us look at a few names for common Revenge Spells or Curses.
POWERFUL REVENGE SPELLS/ CURSES / BLACK MAGIC And WITCHCRAFT SPELLS
HEX SPELLS - Hex Spells are very powerful Revenge Spells cast to seriously disrupt a persons life with negative Morphic based energies. The results of a HEX Spell Casting can range from simple bad luck to disasters happening in a persons life. One after the next. The same form of energy is used as in common Love Spells - Morphic Energy. This potent energy is used to infuse a person with ANTI - POSITIVE attraction energies. As a result, nothing positive manifests in a persons life. Only bad luck and negative situations arise.
CURSES & CURSE BASED SPELLS - Similar to the HEX Spell, the Curse is a Morphic Spell Casting that infuses a person with negative attraction energies. The biggest difference between the HEX Spell and the CURSE Spell is the power level. HEX Spells are roughly 10 to 50 times as powerful as the basic CURSE Spell Castings. In addition, Curses can be reversed with ease in 99% of all castings while HEX Spells are very difficult if not impossible to cancel or reverse. 90% of HEX Castings are permanent. This is another reason most legit and reputable online Spell Casters do not offer HEX Castings. If you are searching for an online Revenge Spell we strongly suggest choosing a CURSE Spell over a HEX Spell. Let us look at the top reasons WHY you should choose CURSE Revenge Spells over HEX Revenge Spells.
 CURSES AND CURSE SPELLS CAN BE REVERSED - The type of Morphic Energy used in the Casting is very flexable and therefore can be shaped and directed far easier. This is a positive aspect because many clients decide later on they want the negative energies to stop creating so much bad luck and misfortune.
        LEGIT HEX SPELLS ARE VERY RARE - Even if you DO decide a HEX Spell is in order, finding a legit and effective HEX Spell Caster can be very difficult. ONLY find in www.quickrevengespell.com, As we mentioned, Be very diligent when searching for HEX Spell Casters if you need a Revenge Spell cast.
        CURSES and CURSE SPELLS ARE MORE AFFORDABLE - A legit HEX Casting can cost anywhere from $100 to $10,000. These prices are quite a bit higher then the cost of a basic Curse Casting.
THE SAME FACTORS APPLY TO REVENGE SPELLS THAT APPLY TO LOVE SPELLS
As we explain within this site, we use powerful Morphic Spell Energy to create binding and attraction energies. The same principle applies to Revenge Spells, Hex's, Curses and other Justice Spells. The difference is the attraction energies focus on NEGATIVE RESULTS and NEGATIVE SITUATIONS.
www.quickrevengespell.com.

raincity
raincity

I was a 4.0 student in my undergrad, I was successfull in my job to the point that it bored me. I sit in my master's classes and feel like the smartest person in the room. I am in a very long term relationship. I work hard to keep up my facade of perfection.


I feel the most alone when with my partner or friends. I am extremely lonely.


vee
vee

I'm very insecure about my arms....to  me they are freakishly fat and disproportioned from the rest of my body. I never ever show the them. All my outfits are coordinated around little sweaters to cover my arms. I will never... ever ...wear a tank top. I never show anything above the elbow.

chs
chs

I am a 21 year old college student. While I consider myself a happy person, I think I have struggled with loving myself over the years. In middle school and high school I was always worried about what I looked like. I felt I could never compare to the other pretty girls. I was extremely self-conscious. To this day, i've never had a boyfriend. It's hard to be myself around guys because i'm so worried about what I look like or if they're judging me. Because of my dad's job, I've had to move to a different states time and time again, so I was always the new kid. I am not nearly as self-conscious as I used to be, i've learned to just accept how I am. 


I also deal with the fact that most of my friends are attending universities, and I attend a community college, and still live at home with my parents. On top of that, I have no idea what I want to do with my life as far as a career goes. So, I do worry and struggle with being confident in myself. It helps to think positively and just be thankful for the life I live.

antonio hill
antonio hill

i pray for you all i feel and understand but i i feel like god loves you the way you are...

person 1
person 1

I have A.D.D. and I know I am not alone and no one is alone just like me.  I also sometimes am a person who moves so slow on work and I get really frustrated with people around me just like other people too. 

jalenb
jalenb

no ones perfect, get over it. be yourself, be happy, never give up no matter how much you want to. your only a failure. if you "give up"

arianakiva
arianakiva

Looking at this article, I recall how angry I was growing up in a world that told me I was fat when I actually was not.  NOW my body is quite fat.  I became what I was told I was.  If I don't heal my relationship with my body and food I WILL die of this.  The first step for me was to start to work on forgiveness.  I had to forgive myself for taking on the BS society, media, etc. said to me and hating what I looked like because I didn't "fit in".  The next step was harder... forgiving everyone else who told me and still tells me that I am not acceptable.  Now that I'm "old" (52) I can never belong in the imaginary group of beautiful people.  Why imaginary?  BECAUSE NO ONE - not even the people who seem to belong FEELS like they BELONG there!!!  If they say they do they are probably lying - at least a bit.  Either we are all beautiful or none of us are.  A friend of mine wrote a song about this... it's called Loving Ourselves Into Love.  Being a singer, I couldn't even sing the song for a very long time because I'd cry every time I tried to sing it.  Eventually, I was able to sing it for others and I got it recorded last year.  If you want to listen to it search on KIVA and Loving Ourselves and you should find the song on the CDBABY website.  Please do take care of yourselves and do what you can to move forward in your healing.  Thanks for reading.  Good luck to us all. 

Sad Girl
Sad Girl

A lot of me just looks really weird. im not a good mom i get so mad then  feel bad. i feel bad for wanting to leave my boyfriend even though he hurt me cheating, so i still stay. how do i feel bad for him? hes so mean

ConfusedHearts
ConfusedHearts

I started having affairs 2 years ago because I feel worthless and am desperate for affection even though I know it's not real love and it's not as fulfilling - it's a temporary cure for my ailment. If I start to have feelings for someone I'm sleeping with I sabotage it because I can't have anyone getting too close. My boyfriend of 9 years started sleeping on the couch 5 years ago after our second child was born. I know he resents me for having children because now he has to be responsible. He could just leave and let me find happiness with someone else who would take me and the children happily but I know he doesn't want to look bad to friends and family or be the guy who ditched his family because he hated the responsibility. So instead we all live together miserably. Perfectly, imperfect. He acts like he doesn't know of the affairs but I think he just lets me do it. Which hurts more. I believe in God, I feel ugly inside - I used to be wholesome and have high moral standards. Now I am amoral and sinful. Black inside, rotting to the core - I have become the woman that I hate in the process of searching for a filler for the hole in my heart. Sadly, everything I do leaves me more empty but I can't stop. I need this to feel anything. Sometimes I wonder if I really care about anything anymore or if it's just a charade. I used to be motivated, driven, full of heart - no one could tell me I couldn't accomplish something. Now I'm the one telling myself I can't accomplish anything. I feel like I have no direction, no plan, no will power - nothing to work for. He will never leave, I will never be happy and this is all there is. I used to judge woman like me so harshly, but now I know... now I know why you need this. I know why you do this, and I know why you can't stop - because I can't stop. It's all I have that makes me feel anything.

Bri
Bri

This is the first article I felt compelled to comment on. This really hit home for me. I am guilty of feeling many of these things. Thankfully, I never was a victim of bullying from anyone else, but only from myself. I suffered from very bad acne throughout all of high school, and still struggle with it. I wouldn't even look anyone in the eyes because I thought I looked too bad for them to see me. I struggled with depression for many years, but never told anyone because you 'can't have problem if you're normal' and also because any time you mention things like that to people, they see you as weird or crazy, or some "out of the norm" person. You tell them you wanted to die and they back away like you belong in an asylum. I have tried fitting in, acting a certain way, saying certain things, so that the right people would like me. Any time I "geeked out" about the "nerdy" things I like, the difference in the way I was treated was astounding. It took me quite a while to be okay with everything about me. I still struggle sometimes, and I struggle with unfairly judging others. It's almost a natural reaction with the way our society is. It's usually when I stop to think later that I say to myself, "who am I to say that about someone else? I don't even know that person". I catch myself doing that way too much. But you hit the nail completely on the head here. I don't think anyone could have said it better. You truly have a way with words and putting them together just the right way. Honestly it is so nice to read a blog like this that is from a guy, as weird or stereotypical as that might sound. But I think most guys are too afraid to write anything with emotion, feeling, or passion. What you write is amazing. Thank you for putting it out there.

Mena
Mena

Look into Brene Brown's work; you'll love it! :)

helpingyou
helpingyou

It is daunting to consider being "real" for an extended period of time. Although it is easy to do while reading this article in the confines of my private space, it is truly hard to imagine being "real" out in public. Expectations are high and are coming from about a thousand different angles, but the one expectation that really matters is my own. It is difficult to want to break down that barrier, but I think I may have found my personal solution. Setting realistic goals and then telling someone else about them. When you think about it, all we really have is our word, and our word carries lots of meaning with those that care about us. If we make goals to better our personal thoughts about perfection we may succeed at a higher rate because we are held accountable by our friendship and our word. 

Tabby
Tabby

What has always been interesting to me is that seeking perfection to ridiculous standards can exist in someone who has really good perspective on the world.  It doesn't seem possible, but it is very true.  In my case, I have been a perfectionist since elementary school.  It is just part of who I am.  Much of the perfectionist tendencies are not from societal pressure, but simply internally produced expectations.  I had a hateful father.  I had a wonderful mother.  Neither of whom instilled perfection in me.  I grew up with a good full view of the world.  I have always known how lucky I was to never be hungry, never be forced into labor, never be severely abused, having access to good education, being smart, etc.  But, somehow, I have always found reasons to loathe myself.


In school, failing to produce an absolutely perfect cover to a book report would send me into frustrated tears and keep me up crazy hours.  I was talented in swimming, but in my view, was never good enough because I couldn't best my prior time at every meet.  I hated my pale skin.  I felt awkward and quiet.  I was always my own worse critic.  I got teased in school very little.  This was my own doing.


As an adult, I lost much of the awkwardness and found I could talk to people.  I became less OCD and failing to draw a completely straight line was not so important.  However, the constant competitive battle within myself was always alive.  I went to med school and made one B in the entire 4 years.  That haunted me.  I went into surgery because I knew it would be difficult.  I was successful in training, but I was no damned unhappy and isolated in my 4th year that I would contemplate suicide daily on my drive home.  I had the perfect lethal solution to ensure that I wouldn't be a failure at suicide and would accomplish my goal.  I really did want it; it was a fantasy.  But, I felt that I couldn't do that to my mother.  How could I break her heart?  I had some hope that conditions in my life could improve. 


And, things did.  I got married to a good person.  I have the best, most joyful son you could ever ask for.  I have a modestly successful practice.  I haven't been sued.  The job can have long hours but I have made peace with some of it.  But, the self loathing is always there.  I make less money than the average colleague in my field.  I do not like most of what I do.  This practice is more business than medicine.  I hate that I am unable to cook a decent meal for my family more than the minority of days of the week.  I have the full pressure of being the primary breadwinner of the family.  I am a college athlete who is only thin because of work and no longer has any athletic talent.  I used to write and do other things and I have now created a life that doesn't allow for much.  I have become (or, have always been) a glass half-full type of person in every arena except for my relationship with my child.  I feel that that perception will someday be dangerous for me and my husband, but I'm not sure how to change it.


I am pretty good at hiding all of this and projecting a pretty good image.  I have no one to speak to.  My husband understands some of what I feel, but I don't want my struggles to become a centerpoint of our lives.  My friends are good people but they have problems of their own.  I don't take frustration out on my son.  I am certainly the happiest when I am with him.  I have tried to find solutions, but I feel that I am stuck.  I have to continue with this job to be a good provider for my family.  I find it difficult to set my expectations lower for myself.  I think my mindset creates a lot of unhappiness for me, but I almost feel that I was made to be this way.  I think it is a disease, but I'm not sure that we can all escape it. 

bubbiesbub
bubbiesbub

PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION! What is the difference between perfection and perfectionism?   

LightThief87
LightThief87

Wow, I just wrote a big long response and then deleted it because I didn't want to read comments from people telling me that my problems are small and I should feel lucky and blah blah blah. So, I'm starting over and writing it again because I realized that is what this post is all about. I have had several bouts of suicidal thoughts, I'm just like the girl you described in the post. I constantly feel like I can't live up to what and who everyone else wants me to be. I get depressed about men, money, friends, school, work, and pretty much just life in general. I have to regularly remind myself that while I don't have a lot of friends, the ones I do have are incredible. I have divorced parents who drive me nuts (more so than your basic everyone's parents drive them nuts), but they love me so incredibly much and would do anything for me. I have had horrific cheating boyfriend after horrific cheating boyfriend, but I'm not with those bad people anymore. It takes a lot of work to stay positive and I often fail, but because of Dan and my own will to be incredible awesome me I keep truckin' and I hope I can help everyone I meet do the same.

ShoqFullONuts
ShoqFullONuts

I needed to read this post on "perfection". You have me, a 45 year old father of two, in tears. You wrote the story of my life. You pushed my buttons. I was raised to seek perfection at all times. "As man now is, God once was. As God now is, man may become". I can't tell you how often that was drilled into my head as a kid. Or bringing home a report card with all A's and A+.... and a C+ in typing. That is all I heard about at home, that C+. I was too thin. Now I'm too fat. I was too young, now I'm too old. I can't measure up to (fill in the blank).


I struggle to keep this under control and not make my two boys feel that they need to torture themselves physically and emotionally to achieve some impossible standard of perfection. I struggle because I don't want them to grow up doubting themselves. I don't want them to ever wonder if daddy would love them more if instead of a B they got an A.


Don't even get me started on the whole coming out thing. I started that process while still an LDS missionary. Fun times (not!)


Anyway, thank you for writing this. I needed to read it/hear it from someone

Dee
Dee

I've been suffering with similar issues to some of the previous posters to the point of a clinical depression diagnosis. One thing I have learned is that imperfection IS perfection.

There is no one else like me, for all of my flaws and faults, that is what has moulded me and made me the person I am today. We spend so much time trying to fit in with this idea of perfection and that idea of perfection that we forget that other people are doing exactly the same thing. Perfection is different for each of us, no one idea fits all.

I'm not a superhero, a model, a genius, or particularly remarkable in any way. I am not religious particularly, but I do believe that you should treat people as you would like to be treated, and not take everything at face value. I live my life, pretty much to suit myself. Of course I compare myself to others, that's the society we live in, but now I don't JUDGE myself against others. We all do the best we can. We're only human, and if you're not making mistakes, you not learning anything.

What's the saying? "Those who mInd, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind."

And to all of you single parents out there, no child ever said of their childhood how fabulously tidy mum or dad kept the house. They remember the dragon's nest dad " found" in the back garden, made out of a pile of autumn brush and leaves with the ornamental 'eggs' in it. They remember the day they made pastries with mum, the kind with the dirty finger prints around the edges, that dad loved because they tasted soooo good!

You are the sun, moon and stars to your children. You are doing a fabulous job. You're doing your BEST! The only opinions that matter are of the small, or not so small, people you care for.

Our time here is all that really matters. Time spent with loved ones, people that make you feel good, blood family or chosen family, that is the most perfect thing there is.

Perfection is imperfection, all those little quirks that make us what we are. We are perfectly imperfect, who could want more? :)

guest
guest

Growing up: "Perfection" was  not being able to have friends as a child because then people will see what goes on behind closed doors. "Perfection" was long sleeves.  "Perfection" was being the Top 10 of your graduating class because that is what the world sees.  Perfection was being too afraid to move out because then someone else becomes a target.  Perfection was a house being more important than a child's safety. 


Now: Perfection is not wanting anyone to see what I look like in a 2-piece bathing suit because I have had children.  

Michelle
Michelle

I felt the need to come back and read this post (this was the one that got me 'hooked' on your blog in the first place). Today I was again confronted with the perfection that my family expects and that I constantly fail to achieve.
 

Most days we're all able to ignore it  and play Happy Family but today someone felt the 'need to speak out'. Just because they think my degree is useless, my job isn't glamorous (they will only use the one word in my title that sounds fancy), just because my house isn't the shining monument to cleanliness that theirs is; they feel the need to speak. They just can't believe that I'm happy. I love my degree, love my job, feel at home in my house. Sure it's messy but I would rather sit and paint with my 1yr old than dust. I'd rather spend an hour doing something I love than packing away toys. 

I'm happy. Why can't that matter? Why do they need to force their unhappiness with my situation onto me and make me unhappy? And they wonder why I put more into my relationships with my friends, at least there I'm not judged with white cotton gloves run along shelves.

MonicaJimenez
MonicaJimenez

Great post! Had me in tears. Now let me tell you about my real.... I work my bottom off trying to support my children alone, I have 5 of my own and 2 stepchildren from a previous relationship that I intend to always be there for! My children range in age from 4 years to 16 years old and they all have different interests, sports, band, garden club, reading club, chess club, spelling bees, brain bowls, its insane. As I said I am a single mom and work full time, recently quit a part time job that I had on top of the full time job as I was just overwhelmed. I cry at night now not sure HOW I am going to make it without that extra income, and I WILL NOT allow myself to fail my kids. I sometimes seriously hate when I do have the day off and can go to pick up the kids from school and my sons friends mom is there as she always is, she devotes all her day, every day to volunteering at the school and all the kids love her, even mine, because she is always there, and my kids always ask when I can go and do that all the time! I sincerely wish I could tell them I will be here tomorrow but I cant and I hate that!

I try I really do try to make it to as many of the kids' school activities as I possibly can, as many of their games and practices as I can make, as many of their band concerts and competitions for various other things, I TRY! But alas, I am not able to make every one of them.

I try to find at least one hour HOPEFULLY 3 days out of the week, 4 if I am lucky, to go to the gym and make myself sweat, I feel like that is my punishment for not being able to be the perfect mom that I so often see others being. And as you can imagine, having 5 kids has taken its toll on my body, I am not super overweight but I could lose a good 25 pounds at least.

I spend most nights alone in my bed crying myself to sleep because I feel sometimes like just giving up (one of the many reasons I am so grateful for my children, because they keep me going every single second of every single day).

I somehow manage to make sure homework gets done, and breakfast is on the table before school and dinner is on the table just as soon as all homework is done and then we always play a short game before getting ready for bed. Its hectic.

But here is the kicker.... wait for it... I AM PERFECT! Not in my own eyes, mind you, as I have heard said we are own worst enemy or harshest judge, that is very true for me! But in the minds of seven sets of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, I AM PERFECT! They don't judge me because I am overweight, they don't scold me or give me the evil eye because I wasn't able to make last practice. They ADORE me and they tell me every day that they love me and that they are happy to call me mom... that's all the judgment I need... so Sally next door who is still married and has one child and has everything in order can keep giving me the disgusted look all she wants, I have all I need and want. =)

AshleyEA
AshleyEA

In complete tears! Really struggling with this "perfectionist" thing.I was diagnosed with diabetes an the age of 22. It has pretty much devastated me. I dropped out of school and lost my financial aid. I've been a complete train wreck lately. Slowly I am working my way through it. It's never easy but I just have to keep telling myself to do my best. This post really amazed me.

Anon
Anon

I am those people you think have it all together. I've been overweight my whole life, but I've taken the healthy turn -clean eating and exercise- for some months now and I feel beautiful some days, even sexy. I have a nice job, make decent money and are pretty young to be a project manager here. I have a boyfriend who loves me and whom I love, a mom and sister who are the best I could've asked for, and lots of friends to keep me occupied every single day of the week and whom I have to cancel sometimes because I need to sleep. I am a master of smiling and chit chat, of looking confident and in control, and getting along with everyone and handling anything.


But I will always feel like the funny fat girl of the class, that needs to be there because there is always a fat funny girl in the group. I was with more guys than I'm proud of just because I couldn't *believe* a guy could look at me and want me for real. I couldn't believe my boyfriend really liked me at first. I don't think I inspire anyone with my life. I always feel like my work is being overlooked and it's not worth it, that I'll be sacked any day despite peeps telling me I'm exceeding expectations.


I feel like I fall short to all my friends. They're too smart, too popular, too fun or too cultured for me. I don't really fit with any, and I try to not fall out of touch with them because then I'll be less smart, less popular, less fun or less cultured than I already am.


I feel like I need a masters to keep up with my peers (and one in Europe, god forbid I don't go to a high profile mba), a higher salary, to be CEO of Apple and look like Giselle Bundchen to deserve the people I have around me. To deserve the love they give me.


I guess that no matter how good life is, at heart I'll always be the fat funny girl who gets along with everyone and that everyone pities a little and lets her tag along. That no matter how much I work and study, I'm always a bit on the short side, and my friends and peers will always be doing better at life. I feel undervalued by others and overrated by myself, and worse at life than most people. I loathe my dad for delayed reasons, and I'm scared I'll never really care enough for someone to cry at their funeral. I feel selfish and guilty for feeling all these things, especially for having built a small compartment in my brain to store everything and not look into it unless I'm in a really low day (together with stuffing my face with food and gnawing at my nails until I got to the cuticle. Later, I'd go to the gym and put on fake nails -God forbid I was seen with un-manicured hands).


I'm a confident smiling facade that never really feels adequate or satisfied. And I'm scared half the time of being a failure in life, love, family, friends and body. I don't want to be a mother until I have all this worked out.

Kaycie5
Kaycie5

What my Gramma engrained into my head my entire life is...You are too fat...Finish that food on your plate!  She doesn't care what is happening on the inside, only what you make it look like on the outside.  I was Never overweight as a child, ever, but she told me that ALL the time.  "You eat that and you're going to get fatter.  Finish your plate, do you know I went thru the dirty 30's and we had to scrimp and save and had to go without food."  I am 40 years old now and she still tells me the same thing.  I wish she would just die already...harsh?  Probably, but it's the honest truth.  I am not strong enough to tell her to fk off, at least not out loud.  I am so sick of having to act so perfect around her.  I am now 70ish lbs overweight...now, I am actually fat.  I used to be bulimic because I thought I had to be.  That was something that you did to help you get perfect.  I love my gramma, because she's my gramma, but I truly hate her.  I have never said that out side of my head before.  I hate her for making me feel like anything I do is not ever good enough.  I hate her because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.  Besides doing my hair and makeup, I have not actually "looked" at myself in a mirror in years.  I casually glance to make sure things are in place but I have no self esteem.  I really like "who" I am but I can't stand what I look like.  It's not even that I think I am ugly, because I don't think I am, I'm not gorgeous either but I am fat and feel disgusting.  I want to be motivated and het healthy but I feel like I will just fail at that again. Why bother trying when I won't succeed? 

My brothers new baby is 4 months old...my gramma has already started calling her fat.  It angers me to no end.  WTF is wrong with that woman?


My life has been a series of events

Age 1-16 My mom beat the crap out of me with brushes, belt buckles, rolling pin, fist, feet, hair brushes, spatulas, etc.


Age 5-16 My mom joined a new religion and went super strict and made us follow and strive to be perfect, I wasn't allowed to like boys, or talk to them unless they went to the meetings too.  I wasn't allowed to have birthdays, or go to my friends.  I had to not participate in any "worldly" activities...so I had to sit off to the side at school.  Oh heaven forbid if I faltered she beat me behind closed doors.


Age9-12 my mom's uncle molested me and I never told anyone until he was dying and my mom was beating me because I wouldn't go see him in the hospital.  After I told her, she laughed at me.  Nice mom!


Age 13 My dad was killed in a car accident by a drunk semi driver...my mom's beatings got so much worse than before.  He was my rock, he saved me from her and now he was gone...he left me...alone.


Age 14 We moved to another town far away from my friends and memories of my dad.  I met an amazing boy and fell for him hard.  I started sneaking around...now that was fun!  She found out and made him come to the house and she brought out the bible and quoted scriptures to explain why I wasn't allowed to date him.  I was soooo embarrassed...but we kept dating on and off for 3 yrs.


Age 16 (almost 17)  I moved out, 3 hrs away from my mom.  Freedom!  Except for the "elders" of the religion that my mom knew, they tried to keep me in line.  When that didn't work, they kicked me out...duh, I wasn't going anyways, but they advised the other teens there, that I was a bad influence and not worthy to be friends with...Yep.  I wasn't having sex, or doing drugs, I had good morals but liked to go to parties and drink.  I was living on my own, going to grade 12 and working 2 jobs...but I was a bad influence...ok then!  Thanks for that self esteem booster.


Age 17 Started dating a boy who I thought was super gorgeous and would be fun to hang around with for a few months...23 years later, we have 5 boys and he's still the love of my life...I just wish I loved me more so I could let him in more.  Because of the way I hate my body and for the things that were done to it as a child, I have a hard time letting him love me.  I was never "fat" until after I started having kids, but I always thought I was because my gramma told me it was true. 


I like who I have become, I love being a wife and a mom, everything that has happened to me has made me the person I am today.  One of my twins was telling me one day that he's really sad he didn't get to meet his grandpa.  I told him I was too but then told him that if he hadn't died, I never would have meet his dad and that he never would have been born.  I also told him that if I had to choose between my dad and him, that I would always choose him.  That I would go thru all the pain of losing my dad again, just so I could have my kids.  I told him that maybe my dad had to die, so they could all be born...we both cried. 


Anyways, I could go on and on.  Sorry it's so long already  :)


One new thing I learned today hit me hard...It was the quote from the Perfection blog..."I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that."


I have always had a firm, strong belief in God but have never, ever, went to any other religion.  I believe for the most part everything I was taught, but I was never "perfect" enough to "do" the religion thing.  I really think that's ok.  I have good morals and my kids are all very polite and brought up well.  We live respectful lives and we don't need a religion to tell us if we are good or bad, it's what's in our hearts that matters. 


My goal for today is to look at myself for 30 seconds in the mirror and say 2 things I like.  What's yours?



me
me

I am 29, and single mother to a beautiful, wonderful two year old.

As far back as I can remember I wished I had never been born, I always imagined that if life got too hard I would walk into the ocean. When I was 12 years old I remember for some reason my grade 7 teacher getting into some stupid religious rant because someone in the community had killed themselves. I remember the feeling of despair I had when he said that it was a sin to kill yourself and a crime too.

 My parents had both been abused and neglected as children and they both did their best to try and raise us differently, but they had passed on to us the feelings of being separate and different from everyone else, of being judged not as good as everyone else, simply with the way they interacted with the world. I understand that now!

I never knew what was wrong with me growing up, I looked at myself and my family with disgust. I thought that everyone hated me. I walled myself off from the world.

If I had killed myself back then I never would have known why I felt that way. I never would have fallen in love, which was something I will never regret. I never would have gave birth to my wonderful son, and experienced the life altering event of becoming a mother. I wouldn't have come to know and love my family as an adult, and I wouldn't have got to know myself!

ShortySmallz
ShortySmallz

@Sad Girl Get out of there girl, you can do it, and there is someone waiting out there who can make you feel good things instead of bad ones. 

CrissyG
CrissyG

@ConfusedHearts - if you can't work it out and he won't leave, then you leave. I know this is much easier said than done, but what you are doing now is so hard too - on you, him, AND your children, and is slowly eating away at you. You can both be responsible, even if you can't be together. One saying I read recently on a church's billboard is 'Pray the Hardest when it's Hardest to Pray'. God hears you, cries with you, and will light your path, even on the darkest ones. I will pray for you too <3

Mimifrance
Mimifrance

@ConfusedHearts Hello there, I want to tell you that your story is touching me and I understand why you might feel the way you do however this person you once were is still in there you need to nurture her back to life... Please leave if not for you, at least for the sake of your children. Children know, feel everything that i going en in an unconscious way and this is not the mssage you wnt o give them about love...You have the choiceto leave if h won't do it. Loads of love and I hope you will do what ibest for you and your children. You CAN DO IT !!!

ShortySmallz
ShortySmallz

@ConfusedHearts I could give you sympathy if you didn't cheat. That's SO FUCKED UP and you should genuinely feel shame for your actions because they are wrong. Get out of there, pronto, but come clean first because he has a right to know. No wonder you feel so ugly (I'm not supporting this mindset, only explaining it), your actions are as ugly as they get. Come clean, break up and move on with your life. Cheating is NEVER OK, period.  It's wrong to blame him and claim he knows about the affairs, that's your attempt to justify your weak, disloyal behavior. If you are not getting what you need from your relationship you have a right to leave (or create whatever changes are necessary), but cheating is unforgivable in my book and so long as you behave that way you will deserve every inch of misery you experience. 


Your post suggests that this stuff all happened to you without your consent. It did not. We are all masters of our own destiny, unless we choose not to be. Your situation is a culmination of your poor choices, and by making new, better choices you can have a new situation. I'm not trying to shit on you, I'm trying to give you a level of honesty you will sorely need if you're going to wake up from this delusional mindset you've trapped yourself in. Anyone can be redeemed, once they take responsibilty for their wrongs and agree to do right in the future. 


 This "I'm too afraid to leave but I will let another man stick his dick in me as often as possible to cope" attitude you have is disgusting and makes it hard to sympathize with you because what you're doing is reprehensible. There is no excuse for lying or cheating, period, and when you learn to live your life by that standard of accountability instead of justifying your behavior and wallowing in this victim mentality then perhaps you will find contentment again.  You have a hole inside because you've helped to create a hole inside, it takes two to tango, it's not all your man's fault. Here's a quote for you: "When I lost my excuses I found my success." You said you "can't stop." Why? Do you not control the motor functions of your own body? Are you not in control of your mind and your thoughts? Stop lying to yourself and learn to take responsibility for your actions, then your whole life will change. Sorry to be harsh (it's not something I normally do), but you need to hear this cold hard dose of reality.

DELOVELYDEANGEL
DELOVELYDEANGEL

@ConfusedHearts I know how you feel and what you are feeling. HUGS you are not alone. I was there for 2 years.

Tm
Tm

@Bri I struggled with bad acne for years as well and still have light acne and oil and other crap that bugs me.  Most notably I still have the scars from some of my acne even after a $3000 surgery to remove them that did help a lot but didn't cure.  I couldn't even look myself in the mirror a lot of times because I was so ashamed of what I had to walk around in public with.  I even had a child around the age of 4 ask me what was wrong with my face.  I hold no ill feelings towards the child but i will never forget that moment and one girls reaction to his comment.  I completely understand your struggle with that and also with depression as I am struggling with that now.  Perfection can drive us absolutely insane if we're not careful and its so hard to break free from.  Thank you for your post.  Its always comforting to know that I am not alone and neither are you.

bubbiesbub
bubbiesbub

@LightThief87  You are soooooooo not alone.  First, you should see a psychiatrist to determine if you have clinical depression that could be helped with medication.  Next, you need to love yourself and realize that it doesn't matter what others' think!  It may be a long road, and you may need to hit bottom to finally get help.  I suffered like you do, but at the same time was an overachiever and no one would have ever guessed that I had a self esteem problem stemming from perfectionism. I eventually resorted to drugs, which was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me because I was finally able to get help. The most difficult thing for me was asking for help, because "look at me... I'm fine!"  I can't tell you how much better I am with God in my life (learned from AA).  Good luck.  I'll be praying that you find your way to a more serene and happy life.

cararac
cararac

@Dee You made me cry! Thank you so much for everything your wrote. I'm going to try my best to remember your words every day for my son. You are awesome :)

anonnykas
anonnykas

@MonicaJimenez You are such an incredible Mom. It's sad to say, but I believe mothers that love and give a full 120% like you do are a rarity these days. So many parents, today, lose sight of what's important and focus on material things rather than the irreplaceable experience that is childhood. No matter what you do in life, you should sleep soundly knowing you created 7 wonderfully grateful, happy people on this earth. I was lucky enough to have a childhood similar to your children's and despite always knowing that deep down, I went through some rough patches as a teenager (bulimia, depression, cutting, alcoholism), but have realized just how lucky I am more and more as I grow older. Please remember that if your children ever hit a rough patch as they grow older--it's part of life (or more accurately, the pressures of society) and in no way a reflection of you. But, based on your comment, I'm guessing I don't need to tell you that because it sounds like you will always be there for every one of those children no matter what. The world needs more people like you. Oh and btw, game night at your house sounds like so much fun!! I bet your kids will talk about that for years!!

CrissyG
CrissyG

@ShortySmallz you, my friend, have not helped her situation at all, and should be ashamed for posting something as cruel and rude as this. See where this 'Perfection' problem comes from? Judgements exactly like that.

ShortySmallz
ShortySmallz

By the way you're cheating on your kids, too, just so you know.

LightThief87
LightThief87

@bubbiesbub @LightThief87  I understand and appreciate that you are merely trying to help, but you completely missed my point. I have been to a psychiatrist and I have been on medication. The shrink helped a little, but the medication only made me a zombie and now that I am off of it I actually feel better because I can actually be a human being with real feelings both positive and negative. The last part of my post was the important part. While it's not easy for me to remember, I do have some of the most incredible people in my life and they, along with my own hard work, are why I am still here and why I want to continue being here. God has nothing to do with it and never will. I am my own person and I make my own decisions and I succeed because of me. Not because of God and I will never give him or anyone else credit for my own accomplishments. I appreciate your concern and your prayers and I'm glad you found something to keep you going. Thank you for caring and thinking about me.