As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.
I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.
And chances are it’s hit you too.
What is the disease called ”Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of “Perfection” are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don’t, maybe you’re infected with way too much of this ”Perfection” infection.
“Perfection” is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. “Perfection” keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.
“Perfection” is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. ”Perfection” really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn’t she the best?
“Perfection” is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn’t want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can’t because then the “Perfect” people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.
“Perfection” is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. “Perfection” makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.
“Perfection” is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.
“Perfection” is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words “we don’t have the money” are impossible ones to push across their lips.
“Perfection” is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I’d give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn’t know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be “Perfect” never lets up.
“Perfection” is a dad hating himself because he can’t give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I’d have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.
“Perfection” is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn’t have any friends, because her mom doesn’t want to think that anything might be less than “Perfect”.
“Perfection” is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.
“Perfection” is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. “Perfection” makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don’t want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.
“Perfection” is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be “the perfect one”, that would be freeing.
“Perfection” is a woman having an affair because she’s too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.
“Perfection” is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can’t stop masturbating.
Stop, and read that one again.
There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the “Perfection” that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. “Perfection” pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.
“Perfection” is my friend’s cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the “Perfection” infecting those around her. We’d rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we’ll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We’re infected with “Perfection”.
I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called “Perfection”. You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. “Perfection” is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected. The good news is, there is a cure.
Be real.
Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them.
Here’s your wake-up call:
You aren’t the only one who feels worthless sometimes.
You aren’t the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.
You aren’t the only one who isn’t making enough money to support your lifestyle.
You aren’t the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.
You aren’t the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.
You aren’t the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.
You aren’t the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can’t figure out why.
You aren’t the only one that questions your sexual orientation.
You aren’t the only one who hates your body.
You aren’t the only one that can’t control yourself around food.
Your husband is not the only husband who’s addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.
Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.
Why didn’t somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the “Perfection” that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.
Why didn’t somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn’t be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say “Mommy” right now. Maybe.
Maybe.
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people’s lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just “talk”. People are desperate to talk. Some of the most “perfect” people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most “perfect” people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most “perfect” people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.
You’ll love them for it. And you’ll love yourself even more.
Let’s not forget this quote: “I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.” Somebody who is being a friend doesn’t spread “Perfection”. Somebody who is being a friend spreads “Real”. Then, and only then, can we all grow together.
I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here’s my dose of real:
I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.
I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.
I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.
I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.
There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I’m not as good as them.
I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.
Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don’t want to see the “Perfection” going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person’s head across the room.
“Perfection” infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren’t a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.
This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be “real”. This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.
Will you help me spread “Real”? Tell us below just how perfect you aren’t. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren’t alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let’s see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we’re not defined by perfection.
And please, please please share this post. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. If it’s your first time here, we’d love to have you follow us. I promise it’s not always this intense (or nearly this long). I’ll post something really funny tomorrow.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing Being Real
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Ferlonda
First of all, I have to say right up front how deeply all these comments have affected me. The article was amazing but these comments... You are all so incredibly brave! Despite your pain, depression, misery, frustration and fear you are all STILL HERE, alive, trying to get through your days in some kind of positive way. Do you even realize a tiny bit how amazing this is? I know people with this kind of pain- I lost two of them to suicide last fall, first the daughter and then the mother who could not live with the agony of her perceived failings. BUT YOU'RE ALL STILL HERE!
That is just so incredible!
It's taken me forever to post to this article again because I have been so humbled by your stories and by your courage in telling them to the world. And also I was afraid to expose my own imperfections here, afraid I'd be laughed at or called "troll" as I have been before in other commenting communities.
So, first, here are my biggest imperfections- and if you think, gee, those aren't all that bad, especially not compared to my problems, please keep reading.
I am crap at speaking up and making myself heard even with my dear friends who want to hear me. The lesson my dad taught me when he molested me and told me never to tell anyone is still a huge problem in my life. I am very happily married to the most wonderful man in the universe, he's a fabulous lover and we've had a great love life in the past- but for the last ten years I've been stuck in a sort of PTSD loop and haven't been able to get past my original abuse issues. So not much sex for him. :( And now I'm in menopause and intercourse is actively painful even when I want it, even when the PTSD loop eases up enough for me to feel anything below the neck. Especially horrible to me is that even his most innocent touch often triggers this PTSD and I feel the same old fear as when my dad touched me 50 years ago. Even telling me I'm beautiful can trigger it.
I'm a musician, full-time and relatively successful- but my PTSD issues keep me from singing lead because NO one would want to hear me sing anything. I'm much happier hiding behind my husband's leads with harmony and instrumental stuff. That's part of the "speaking up" issue I have, too, obviously.
Let's see, what else... I have been eating for emotional sedation for the last couple of years because my Mom's cancer returned and the stress of taking care of her and the double stress of my seriously screwed up sister's issues impacting all our relationships made me nearly suicidal with grief and exhaustion. Mom's dead now. She died at home surrounded by me, my husband and my sister and it was a beautiful thing- but my god I'm so sad and I miss her more than I can say. I can't see or speak to my sister (she's still crazy) and even the executor of my Mom's will has been sucked into my sister's magically perfect world and he thinks I'M the crazy one. So I've lost my Mom, my only sister and even my home, which also happened to be my Mom's home, and I've gained a lot of weight and it's not going away or slowing down at all.
So why have I hesitated to post this stuff here? Because I know two ways of actually completely healing all these issues and though I've worked my butt off on these issues I have made virtually no progress on any of them. I've totally cured dozens of other issues- paralyzing stage fright, fear of heights, got to be real friends with my dad again before he died, turned a nauseating disgust over mushrooms to a kind of "eh" feeling, stopped colds and flus in their tracks, healed cuts and burns and a tooth that was turning black, stopped my habit of lying... But the things I really want to heal, my issues with sex (I really want a normal sex life before I die!!!), eating and fear of speaking up for what I really want will not budge.
So my biggest "imperfection" is that even though I can do all the stuff I listed I haven't been able to heal the things I really want to heal. I've done so much and yet it's still not enough. And the other thing is I want you all to know how wonderful these two techniques are and I'm desperately afraid of being called a troll again as I have been before when all I want is for others to have their chance at true happiness the way I have.
So, here goes.
Emotional Freeing Technique is free to learn, easy to try and you can do it at home in private where no one can see you or laugh at you. Here's the official website and another one with free videos to follow along with:
EFT does take time, willingness to listen to all those negative things in your head and the persistence to keep on when it seems like everything is only getting worse. If you can do this, if you can tap through all that resistance and make it to the other side you WILL feel better. I know this is true- I've been using EFT since 2005 and my Mom used it, too, with great success. If you have really big problems (which a lot of you do) a professional counselor who is trained in EFT can really help you out.
The other technique is Tapas Acupressure Technique:
I don't use this as much as EFT but it's been invaluable at healing several really big issues for me. It's very gentle and kind and takes much less time than EFT.
Now if I could just heal those issues I mentioned I would be really "perfect."
Thank you all for your posts. You are all just amazing people and I wish you all the very best and happiest of lives.
Malachi
I am a single mother in my early forties, and I am beautiful, always have been but I have spent my life trying to destroy the beauty because any relationship I got into seemed to be poisonous and abusive, not physically but verbally, mentally. I have done everything to keep men away from me, gained weight, had a terrible complexion from picking my zits, chopped off my beautiful hair, one of my best features, and it never worked, I always fell for another asshole. So I have been celibate since 2004. I have not had sex with another human being for eight years and I am terrified of falling in love again, afraid of the pattern repeating itself again, of me allowing this to happen again.
LearningToLive100
I think this very appropriate for this discussion "Broken Hearts are what give us strength. and understanding and compassion. A heart that has never been broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect."
Anon
I am a student in high school, very intelligent, and a talented artist, but that doesn't matter to me. I'm not the person that I think is succesful. In high school, you get recognition for being the top of your class, or getting into advanced placement courses, or when everyone knows that you're smart, it doesn't matter that you can draw photo quality at 15 or shoot a beautiful film, because that isn't typical high school student material. The thing is, I've never been one to follow trends or blend in with the crowd, but there is a burning desire inside of me to be a person that I know is totally not me. I haven't picked up a pencil to draw since middle school because I've given them up for academics, just because I want, I NEED people to think I'm smart. I am smart, but I'm not academic, I don't get good grades and I am incapable of following directions, and that is really all you need for teachers to think you're a genius, but that's all I've been working on for the past two years and to no avail. The worst part is that I am at the point where I hate great people just because things come easier to them that me. They may have absolutely no common sense, life skills, or basic knowledge of the world, but since they'll gladly pay attention in class and effortlessly ace a test that they haven't studied for, it doesn't matter. I can't get over the fact that I can study my ass off and get a B on a test, or turn in all my work and still somehow get a C for the quarter because they weren't as good as the highest in the class (stupid curve grading). And I'm not dumb, I could probably beat those 'academic genius' kids a Jeopardy any day but put us in a classroom and I'll naturally be out showed. I am an artist at heart trying to be a completely calculated brainiac because I'm an attention whore; I need people to think I'm better than everyone else and I don't know why. I've been fighting this feeling for years and I still can't get a hold of it, and I am completely aware of my imperfections because I have them to spare, but I hate myself for not being able to be content with them.
Malachi
Go back to art, these scenarios are not as important after high school, there are people who will appreciate you as an artist, and your work can help you heal yourself, go back to your sketchbook and start again, being an artist and being able to work has saved my life on more than one occasion.
I remember those feelings in high school. I always wanted to be one of those "smart kids," it was always in the back of my mind. But I am an artist as well. I realized, if really wanted to, I could do what those kids were doing. But over time I realized that there was no way for me to do that and be happy. I couldn't stop myself from being who I was. If I didn't do well enough on my AP english test to actually use it towards college credit, than so be it. There is so much more to life out there.
I love to create whether it be visually or musically. I was a band nerd in High School. My junior year I took it upon myself to learn any instrument I could get my hands on. I was a part of EVERY musical activity that was offered...concert band, jazz band, jazz ensemble,...steel drum class; I also helped teach adult and children steel drum classes. I then moved on to Berklee College of Music where I got accepted as a bass player. My high school art teacher was upset that I did not apply to any art schools. I graduated with a degree in Music production and Engineering, so the recording arts, and am now pursing a career as a music producer, composer and engineer. I am working on some really interesting projects in the bay area, and am about to move to the city of lost angels.
I guess my point is, Raion, don't be afraid to be who you are, strive for what you are good at. The chances are you are good at it because it makes you happy. It makes you happy because you are good at it. People always respect an artist. We are all artists in our own right, but some people repress their artistry and therefore respect those that are strong enough to let theirs shine through, and be happy! I was one of the "weird kids" in high school, but I was well known and respected, because a) I had a passion (whereas lots of kids in high school don't, they don't have any idea what they want to do or what makes them truly happy so they resort to going to Liberal Arts colleges;....or maybe they do but didn't think what made them happy was "credible" enough so they suppressed the urge to develop themselves, and they envy and respect those that do ) and b) I had no problems following it.
Let other people do what they do best, let them become doctors, lawyers, journalists, accountants, physicists, you name it; so you don't have to. You can become the artist you want to be. We all have a place in this world, and we all have the power over our own happiness. :) Cheers, and the best of luck to you!
I envy my friends who are in serious relationships with wonderful people, and wonder why I have never been loved or wanted in that way by anyone. I get jealous of people who have the "perfect" body that I want, and hate myself for not having the motivation or drive to make myself look that perfect.
I have a wonderful life and so many things to be thankful for, but so often I feel bad for myself and find myself complaining about what I don't have. I feel guilty for being depressed and not being happy like I used to be. I miss the person that I used to be.
That may well be the hardest-hitting blog post I've ever read, and that's saying something. Bravo, sir, to you for your insight and bravery in fighting "Perfection" and in helping others to do likewise. You're right: you can't learn to love and accept anyone, including yourself, if "Perfection" remains the standard.
A year ago I had a 4.0 gpa, I was an all-american athlete, and was in a "stable" relationship. A friend of mine at the time told me she wished she was as "accomplished" as I was. She didn't realize that my accomplishments also included only being able to sleep 2 hours a night because I was so worried about whether I did everything I "needed" to do that day, and crying every single day because I couldn't take all the pressure I put on myself. She didn't realize that those accomplishments resulted in an eating disorder and drug addiction. She didn't realize that my so-called stable relationship was also an emotionally abusive one that made me hate myself more and more everyday I was in it.
If you think your friends are "perfect", think again...because they're probably just as unhappy as you are.
Thanks for writing this post. It means everything.
You're awesome dude. I love you. Thank you.
Stop rationalizing your weakness with tragedy. Perfection is unobtainable growing as a human being and being a better person isn't This article goes in too many different directions. The people who judged instead of helping the people were obviously wrong. However it's not OK to have problems. You should feel bad about the bad choices you make in life. I bet the Author hasn't stolen anything since he took that money as a child. Are you fat, violent, a pervert, adulterer, etc..? ITS NOT OK. What you need to take from this is. Change can happen with support. My experience with people who seek perfection is that they are just as judgmental as the people who judge them i other areas. So stop judging, start helping. Never stop working on being a better you.
Your judging right now, so how are you helping with this post?
AussieNanny
Oh.. look another person who thinks they are the bee's knees. Dan is trying to say that everyone should be loved for who they are and shouldn't have to try and keep up with everyone else.
Me Myself and I are a little Lost
I have Multiple Sclerosis and I get jealous of "healthy" people. Or at least I used to until I realized that a lot of people are dealing with their own problems, either mentally or physically. Also I used to weigh 120 pounds but due to a medication that was a steroid I gained 70 pounds in three months. I finally got off that medication later but my self confidence was shot. Even though it's been five years and ive lost 40 pounds (I got pregnant at one point hindering my weightloss) I still see myself as that fatty. Around people I pretend to be confident, to like myself, but in reality I don't. I hate how my clothes look on me, I can't look at myself when I shower. I just see myself as the diseased fat girl. I try not to, but I just do. I feel lost and I want that pre-bad medicine confidence back. I want a guy to hit on me because he thinks I'm cute and skinny (even though I will turn him down because I am happily married which is real) .....I'm just tired of comparing myself to everyone. I see all the skinny people and I get jealous, see all the healthy people and get jealous....somehow I need to figure out how to get over all of this
FFL
Me Myself and I are a little Lost I'm in my early 20's and everyday, although I try to preoccupy myself with work, I always feel inadequate about my physical appearance. When I go out I compare myself to every girl I see and feel like I'm not good enough or worthy enough to have the life I have right now. Everyday, I blame myself even more for thinking about the things I cannot change and not being able to accept the way my body is, wasting time and not being able to make my life better because of the mentality I have of where a woman's worth/happiness comes from. I also can't look at myself when I shower and do not like to go out at times.
BrothrBubblGum
My dick shrivels up when it's not hard and I have skin tags. I used to want to kill myself over masturbation/sex. That started when I was sixteen. Six years later, that just seems silly to me now. :) Thank you so much for writing this.
This sort of introspection is the basis of the 12 Steps used by AA, ALANON, & Adult Children of Alcoholics. It took several years to achieve significant progress toward self acceptance, but life got SO much better. I am what I am, I can´t change the past or predict the future.
Rena Hopkins
I have a number of very close friends, people that I love dearly, that I hide from because I feel I have slighted them. Some I owe money to. Not a lot, $80 here, $20 there, but I am an artist who makes very little and I will most likely never be able to repay them. They knew that when they lent it to me and I know that they would rather have my friendship back than the money, but I am too embarrassed to admit my poverty, so I avoid them. I haven't seen my best friend in more than ten years because I owe her $80 for getting my car out of impound for a parking ticket. I don't even know where she lives anymore.
Others I promised favors to, and never fulfilled them. I promised one of my dearest friends that I would set up an online gallery of her outsider art collection and then I got busy, and then I was tired, and then it was a year later and I couldn't find the notes I had made and my hard drive failed and I lost all the photos I had taken for her, and then she asked for all her materials back and...A year later she contacted ME to say she still loved me, and missed me and that she forgave me and I was still too ashamed to face her again. I miss her presence in my life so very badly, but I am too ashamed (proud?) to repair the damage.
JeffBlanks
Boy, I dunno. I've long been under the impression that "Perfection" has even infected "Real" in our culture. We wear our shabby crewcuts and our baggy clothes in washed-out, drab colors and we make our dinky little three-chord punk-rock songs about Things Sucking (or, maybe, Things Sucking Less--never about real, delirious *joy*, because that's just not *real*, you know) and snark our way to the grave because these things are supposed to show that we're "real". Even our Beautiful People know enough to uglify themselves just a little bit. In short, there's a kind of "real" that's a disguise for more "Perfection", one that's all the more insidious for being effective. Well, at least that's what I see. I don't know if anyone else sees it, but I'm coming to doubt it.
oo
I look in the mirror and am disgusted, though secretly I'm satisfied with the way I look. I'm ok with the way my body curves, but an instinct inside tells me to lie to myself because I'm not paid for my looks. I get upset when the new guy at work doesn't look at me. Yes, I am very happily married, but I envy the flattery that someone handsome can give even if it's just a glance and am somehow vain enough to believe I need it to feel beautiful. I hate my selfishness because it consumes my life. If i were perfect, I'd stop that. But I'm so obsessed with trying to be this and trying to be that that I completely forget the outcast who is hurting. It's like I have a picture of my "hideous" face in front of my brain and it's so big it pushes everything else out. When I fail, I believe that I'm a failure. When I succeed, I'm afraid that if I gloat, I'll be looked down upon. I am so scared of what others think that they will literally dictate my actions by the thoughts I plant in their minds. My most used and utterly loathed word is "sorry" like I"m apologizing for existing. If i wasn't trying so blasted hard to be someone I'm not, I might admit these things to myself. I might tell myself I"m lovely and talented and that I don't need the approval of others to be happy. I might realize that I"m not a God. I'm a human being and I struggle and bleed and fall down constantly. Then, I might actually be proud of the moments when I fall down rather than think of them as pot holes on my "perfect" track record towards being who society wants me to be. That was real. Someday, I'll be real enough to sign my name.
My husband recently told me that he wants a divorce. He admitted that he never really wanted to get married and has felt unhappy in our relationship since almost the very beginning.. but he went along with it all because he "felt pressured" by me and our families & friends. When I retell this story to my friends, their jaws drop and they tell me how much of an asshole he is and how terrible he is for 'doing this to me'... but secretly, I have always felt the same way as my husband. I only married him because I wanted that 'perfect' life.. because he was a GOOD man and there was no reason for me to be so unhappy and unsatisfied. I buried my concerns deep inside and never told a soul. My husband simply got the courage to end our marriage before I ever did... and Honestly? I am not so sure that I ever would have done it. Truly- he did me a favour. But still, I play the victim and allow him to be villanized my our families & friends because I don't want anyone to know that I am as 'at fault' in our failed marriage as he is.
My husband recently told
Patti Tait-Hendrickson, ravishingly imperfect mother, daughter, wife and grandmother!
This post was amazing. Very heartfelt, and a message we -all- need to hear and remember in our lives. I am a 23 year old woman and I am addicted to fan fiction. While it may not sound so bad, my addiction has gotten so bad that it has strayed to "adult" fan fiction. It has gotten so bad that I masturbate on a monthly basis at least. I have never been in a "real" relationship with another man. I don't feel worthy of the love that He (whoever he may be) has to give. It's an awful Catch-22. I can't break the cycle because I always seem to succumb in my weakest moments. I want to be free of this!
I feel ashamed around my family because I'm 21 and haven't had a significant other for longer than 6 months. I know I am young and still have my life ahead of me, but with my best friend married, the other one about to be engaged, and my family asking me at every family function if I have a boyfriend yet, I do feel like I'm doing something wrong. I work every day to try and convince myself that it's not my fault, I just haven't met the right one yet. I will get it eventually.
Thank you for helping me confirm that I am just fine :)
I never dated anyone longer than 3 weeks until I met my husband at 24. I felt horribly awkward and self conscious about it as my friends had long term relationships and eventually started getting married. It just works out when it does. Keep believing in yourself, you are worth it and will find the right person in the right time. - Just another Girl
I'm 23. My current boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and it's wonderful :) prior to him, there was nobody really. I didn't even have any high school relationships....haha. Are we going to get married? Who knows? I can't imagine being married within the next five years, even if he is the right one. There's no rush!
I thought this post was absolutely beautiful, and I will definitely be forwarding it on to others I know who need to read it. Reading what others have written on here, I don't have much room to complain about my own life, which makes me feel all the more selfish for my depression and sometimes overwhelming urge to just end it all. I grew up in the "perfect" life. My parents paid out the nose for me to go to the best private school in my state and never stopped reminding me of what it cost them. I don't think they fully understand what it cost me. It took me years to be able to look in a mirror and not want to puke because of my size. Yes, I got into one of the best colleges in the country for my field, but I can't be around girls my own age without constantly comparing myself and wanting to cry. I can't help but feel like a failure when every time I go home to visit my parents my dad pulls out a scale. Most of the girls from my high school wouldn't talk to me because I'm good at math and science, but I can't put on makeup or afford fancy clothes.
All I want to do now is say this:
I am not perfect. I will never be a size 00 super model, and I don't want to be. I don't care if the hard sciences aren't a "women's field" . I don't care if my awkwardness in high heels offends you. I don't care if you think I need to learn more hairstyles than the ponytail. I'm not going to. All I care about is making sure I use what I have to do the most good in this life that I can.
</rant>
Jo18
You have voiced something that I have struggled with my entire life. About ten years ago, in my 40's, I started to turn the boat around. I still struggle. Old habits die hard. I wept as I read this because I knew exactly what you were talking about. We recently lost a dear friend to suicide, and I believe he did it because he could not face the consequences of his imperfection. The world is a darker place because he is gone. If only he knew that there are so many people who would have embraced his imperfection and helped him put things right. Thank you, Dan, for sharing your insight and for putting it into words.
Thank you for writing this. Very well put! I'm sharing on FB now.
Michelle
There Must Be More To Life Than Dishes and Laundry...
www.dishesandlaundry.com
PrincessStabbity
I am jealous of my friends and family who have children because I don't and I'm 36.
I blame my husband for our not having children because he has low libido.I blame myself for not being physically attractive enough because my husband has low libido.I feel guilty for having an abortion 14 years ago even though logically it was the right decision at the time.I am envious that my mother favours my brother over me and my brother's children over me.
I avoid friends and family who "have it better" than I do because I see their perfection as a reminder of my imperfections.I feel guilty for having an anxiety disorder which is preventing me from working. I feel lazy, worthless, skill-less, stupid, helpless.I hate myself and have thought of ending my life many times. My cats are what are holding me back. Not my family, not my husband, not my nieces.
I feel lacking because I do not go to church, because I cannot bring myself to pretend I agree with what is being taught.
I feel ashamed for being raped while I was drunk because I often think that perhaps I consented and just didn't remember.I beat myself up nightly in my dreams for not finishing university and for not choosing a different university to attend.I look at my wedding pictures and only see flaws in the bride.
JeanetteSmithLamb
PrincessStabbity Oh man so many things. I hope and pray that maybe you could get some counseling from a trusted therapist and maybe even an anti-depressant. You are worthwhile, you're human, you have made choices you may regret, we all do. Life is beautiful, you deserve to be happy, you are worth while. Please don't give up. People care, I care.
JeanetteSmithLamb
Someone told me one time, stop comparing your insides to other people's outsides. That stuck with me permanently. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a total stranger. Namaste..
ChrissyLocke
JeanetteSmithLamb I wish I had heard that 10 years ago.......thank you.
Redhead
Being real is being free. Once you aren't afraid of your faults and hiding them- they LOSE THEIR POWER.
When a friend is beating themselves up, I ask them what they would say if a friend told them the same thing? Would they judge them as harshly as they judge themselves? No.
I'll never stop trying to be a better person- there are lots of things that I need to change. But like a friend- I will remember to be gentle to myself. I hope you do too.
LearningToLive100
Redhead
Thank you for the excelent advice. I will remember this.
GoApples
That was a very good message, and it's one that I've been trying to get people to see. One thing that I feel has really impacted me through my struggle of realizing who I really am and what I don't have to be is a quote by C.S. Lewis. It's not an exact quote, but it still has the same impact. "How can you say your life is worthless when you don't know what the worth of your life is? How can you say it's pointless when you don't know what the point of life is? How can you say there's no meaning to your life, when you don't know the meaning of life?" And this made me very conscious of the fact that we create so many double standards for ourselves and we always get caught up in these little way unknowingly to ourselves.
LearningToLive100
GoApples
I will remember those wise words by C.S. Lewis. It is so very true we do get caught up in this and don't even know it. Thanks for making me more conscious of this.
CollegeGirl
Thank you so much for that. I finished reading this post and am overwhelmed by the hurt that is caused by this desire to make other people believe these lies. We were all made just as we are for a purpose!! Yet, part of being human is being broken; that in itself is beautiful. It means that we can't do it on our own (we were never meant to), instead we are blessed with other broken people to support and uphold one another and above all we are able to reach out to a God who loves in IN our weakness. Only through the hurt, pain, struggles and tears does His strength take over.
I myself can equate to SO many of these perfections; I grew up where my parents would only tell me I had value if I could make something else of myself and so I worked myself to keep the grades, be involved in everything and prove to them that I was good enough to be loved. My parents were given the impression that they raised perfect kids because my brother and I never let them see anything else. Instead, my little brother considered suicide for months in junior high, tried to kill himself once. I was bullied in school because I was ugly and fat so I developed an eating disorder. While my mom praised me for being this "perfect daughter" who she loved to go shopping with because I was skinnier I wasted away. I withdrew from friends, from activities, from allowing myself any joy in life until I reached the "perfect" weight. I would back out, but lie my way out of seeing a doctor; I would cry myself to sleep every night because I just wasn't good enough, I was ugly, stupid, a waste of space, unworthy - I dropped 6 sizes in 3 months, involved actively in my church and youth group, volunteered at the hospital, held a part time job as a lifeguard and maintained a 96% average in AP. That wasn't good enough......
I am now, 4 years later still dealing with those feelings of worthlessness. I wish with every part of my being that I never fell down the path that I did in an attempt to be loved through my works or looks because it has caused so much hurt in my life, physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally and in my walk of faith. But slowly I have found a community that shows me the love that Jesus gave when he died for us. They love me for me (300lbs or 100lbs, GPA of 4.0 or failing classes) and I have found that being open and vulnerable with others reveals that I am not alone in this. Beyond all I am seeking freedom of these struggles through Christ. Knowing I am so valued by the Creator of the universe, I am learning to love myself as me. It is a journey full of hurt, pain, extreme strength and endurance, tears but also joy (something that my childhood lacked...) and lots of smiles.
You, no matter who you are, are NOT alone. And you can be loved even more in just being the you that you were created as; flaws and all.
JamieGall1930
Wow, that was incredible. Add my comment to the thousand in the list, but you hit it us right in the head. It's true, and we need to take a step back and admit to ourselves what's really happening, what's really going on, and just be truthful with one another.
I'm not perfect. I have social anxiety. More times than not I want to attend something but may cancel last minute because of my anxiety or the "low" energy I am feeling at that moment. It's far easier to talk myself out of going then to actually go.
I'm not perfect. I do not handle stress well. I use to be in management, but hated it every step of the way. I make far less money, I miss it, and it's hard, but yet, life is easier for me now.
I could really go on, but I'll keep it to those two right now.
lonelygirl
i know how it feels to be standing in a crowded room and feel completely alone. To be surrounded by people who love you and still feel lonely and lost. To wonder what is the matter with you, why cant you just be happy like everyone else, why is it so hard for you and seemingly easy for others who put on a smiling face and go about their perfect lives without a care in the world when inside you're screaming and wracked with worries and insecurities. To constantly put everyone else up on a pedestal and have to compare yourself. It's self inflicted but who is a harsher judge of yourself than you. There are so many hurdles and barriers that we as people face on a day to day basis. Some of which are self inflicted, "I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough". Others the pressures of society push onto us, threatening to topple over the precarious pile of worries that waver on a precipice of "holding it together". Keeping up with the Jones. I am in a relationship with a guy who is loving and caring and would sacrifice anything for me, and yet i often find myself looking across the fence, "perhaps the grass is a little greener over there". A selfish, conceited, disgusting thought when everything i could ever want is on this side. But they cross my mind nevertheless and leave me self loathing and wondering what kind of a monster i must be to think such disloyal thoughts. I like to think of myself as a good person. I open doors for strangers, pay my taxes, donate to charity, feed my fish. However, on the inside i'm wracked with thoughts that, though valid, make me feel bad for thinking them, as if my thoughts are "wrong". I don't know how to fix these thoughts. I can only acknowledge and accept that i have them. I am not perfect.
anonymous pastor
I am a less-than-perfect pastor in a less-than-perfect congregation. I would hope your blog would speak to everyone on some level, but I suspect there are some who would dismiss YOU (and therefore your content) because of your single dad, non-religious disclaimers. Keep at it. You are doing us all a service.
SteelTownDad
As a single dad I feel completely lost at times. I'm constantly on edge wondering if I am doing the right thing. Can he really live on Chicken Fingers and PB&J? How much TV is too much? Am I spending too much time teaching and not enough time playing. Why doesn't he have fun when I give him a bath but loves when his grandma does? Where are all of the other full time single fathers?
POSJollyFatMan
SteelTownDad We are doing the same things. Single parenthood sucks. You don't have a filter or check to bounce things off of. Use your friends. I have been lucky to find a friend with a son a little older than mine. She has been of tremendous blessing to us (me) because of insight. I am there for her as well.
ChrissyLocke
SteelTownDad I have twins, and lucky enough to have my mom keep them three days a week when I worked....grandmothers just have this bond with them.....they are not in parental survial mode, according to my mom when i asked her something similar. They raised us, so they do not feel tne pressure....they just enjoy. Your son is learning how to be a man by your actions. He is watching you all the time....I bet you have a great young man developing.
KimFranco
I said a lot of stupid things in my life, and when I remember them I'll berate myself for hours.
I stayed in two relationships where I was raped and beaten because I thought no one would love me.
I felt fat when I was a size 7 in eighth grade, and now that I am fat I wish I could be as pretty as I was back then.
I almost lost the man that I love and want to marry because I took a constructive criticism from him as he didn't think I was good enough.
I have so much medical debt that I just don't know what to do with it all, at 24.
I feel ashamed that I didn't get my bachelors degree with the rest of my graduating class.
I feel like I lost all the intelligence I had in high school, where I was once a gifted, high honors student.
I sometimes wish I could just die to escape all the shame and mistakes of my past.
I have bought things to make myself feel better when I really didn't have the money.
I didn't spend time with my grandmother before Alzheimer's took her mind and she didn't remember me any more.
KimFranco
BUT
I have touched many people's lives with my tutoring and teaching.
I have been a shoulder for a friend in need.
I have the love of an amazing man and we are moving in together and starting our future after 4 long, sometimes difficult, years.
I have people who turn to me for advice because of my knowledge.
For some crazy reason men flirt with me and say I'm pretty ;-) I just enjoy the compliment.
What friends I do speak to from high school care about me as the person I am now, not the person I was then.
I have more patience and maturity than I've ever had in my life.
I am there for my mother and help her with my grandfather who has Parkinson's and dementia.
I am there for my father, even when he gets angry and frustrated, and try to help as best as I can.
I am there for my love, when he feels uncertain with how rapidly our futures are changing.
I am a grown woman versus the child I used to be.
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abinormyl
natanya7 I just want to say, thank you for doing your minimum wage jobs. There are a lot of people that feel like those jobs are beneath them but we need people to do them just like we need people to do the other jobs. I know that it doesn't fix that you have a hard time making ends meet but I wanted you to know that someone out in this wide world appreciates the job you do.
BrandyEastmanTanner
I was always honest about myself and my marriage, but he and no one else cared. All I ever heard back was "but no one will date you with three kids" or "how are you going to survive" .. seriously? I was happiest when I finally got divorced AND I noticed HE was happier, even though he wouldn't ever admit it since he still wants us to try to work on things and it's hard because I have that pull to keep my family together .. he is after all the father of my two young boys and I already share my 9 yr old daughter with an ex boyfriend ... I hate sharing my kids but if it makes a person happier? Then I say do what makes you happiest, if it's within reason, because your kids will TRULY benefit from it. I have seen it first hand!
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I lived with abuse for twenty years (and at the hands of my mother and other adults for the first fifteen years) from the age of fifteen because I didn't know any better and didn't think I had the courage to change it. I made my outside look perfect as could be so that no one knew that my husband sexually, verbally, and sometimes physically abused me.I am embarrassed by the words of my own lawyer who blamed me for not leaving years before. I brought a child into that world and luckily, so far, she hasn't had to live it the way I did. I finally left him and watched her crumble as the life she knew was ripped in two. I hate myself for screaming at her when she is being awful. I hate my mother's lack of control and anger and crazy coming out of my mouth and hope and hope that I am good enough not to let her life turn out like mine. I am embarrassed by her behavior sometimes and cringe that others might notice it too. Everyone seems to always be judging. I hate it when I find myself judging others and try to remind myself I am not in their shoes and don't look through their eyes and feel through their scars. I hope that my best is better than I think and that I will always be loved. I fear when my new husband and I have a fight that he will stop loving me because enough of my core is scarred so that I feel unworthy of constant love and blame myself for being imperfect. My life has become a wonder and a treasure having remarried to a good person who doesn't hurt me and for whom I am eternally grateful, but I fear nonetheless and my dark days are riddled with thoughts of the worst kinds of self-loathing. I hope I can always have enough bright days to outshine the dark ones and that I can continue in my quest for happiness in all my flawed and imperfect ways. I hope that others find they can find happiness enough to heal some of the pain. Living with it on your own, alone in your mind, is too much for any person.
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