Okay, here comes another “Single Dad Ranting” post. You may laugh, but hopefully only because you see the idiocy and carelessness of some people, bless their hearts. Please, though, this is something that I’m very serious about and I hope you’ll listen in.
What do you notice about this photo?
Hopefully you just see a father and son. Maybe you see a beautiful bond. Maybe you see love. Maybe you see two awesome human beings. Hopefully you don’t see a damn price tag hanging from Noah’s ear or a child who will never know true happiness.
You see, today when I was at the store with Noah, somebody had the nerve to ask me, right in front of Noah, “how much did he cost?” And this was the second time somebody has asked that absolutely ridiculous and insensitive question to me; I know his mom has heard it too.
You may have noticed that Noah is of a slightly different race than his old man. He’s a quarter Panamanian, quarter Jamaican, and half Caucasian. Noah is my son. Noah was adopted. Trust me, I couldn’t pass on genetics to a kid this beautiful.
And since he was placed with us, his parents, I have learned just how insensitive the world can be to kids who have been placed through adoption. People don’t realize how fragile the minds of young children are. People don’t realize that wording things certain ways can hurt a child, and badly. And with that, I present to you the following list, all taken from personal experiences in the past three years:
Single Dad Laughing’s Guide to Adoption Etiquette:
- Never, ever, ever, ask how much a child costs. This includes the phrase, “how much did you pay for him?” First of all, it’s none of your business. Second of all, if you’re interested in adoption, research it through the appropriate channels. Speak with an adoption agency. Adoptive parents don’t purchase children. They simply pay legal fees and agency fees. Just like biological parents pay hospital and doctor bills. Don’t turn the child into nothing more than a commodity.
- Never ask if a celebrity inspired the adoption. Believe it or not, Tom Cruise, Connie Chung, and Angelina Jolie did not convince me one way or the other in the biggest decision of my life. Are you serious?
- Never ask “where is his real dad?” Forget the fact that it will hurt my feelings. How do you think it will affect my son’s feelings to feel like I’m not a real dad to him? Adoptive parents are real parents. The term you’re looking for is “birth mother” or “birth father”.
- Don’t say things like, “as soon as you adopt you’re going to get pregnant” when you find out somebody is adopting. First of all, there are usually many, many years of pain and financial burden strapped to infertility, treatments, and heartache. Do you really think that what you’re saying will help them? Secondly, while it is funny when it happens, it’s rare.
- Never say, “why did she give him away?” Do I really need to explain why this one would hurt a child? The proper term is “placed”. A birth mother and birth father place their child for adoption. And again, it’s personal and none of your business, so don’t ask if you aren’t my BFF.
- Don’t say, “it’s like he’s your real son”. This is similar to number three, but worthy of mentioning. He is my real son, damn it.
- Don’t say, “do you love him as if he was your own?” Ummm… probably more than you love your little terror, that’s for sure. And again… he is my own, damn it.
- Never say things like, “you’re so wonderful to adopt a child”. I am a parent. Just like anybody else with kids.
- Don’t start spewing your horrible adoption stories. “This one time, my friend’s sister’s aunt’s dog’s previous owner’s niece adopted a baby and the real dad came back and they took the baby away after they had him for two years.” First of all, it probably isn’t true. Second of all, how would you feel if I told you about all the ways you could lose your child. Adoption is permanent. And in the extremely rare circumstances that something like that happens, it’s not something you should spread because the hurt that exists for all the parties involved must be immeasurable.
- Don’t say things like, “is it hard for him to be adopted?” Well, it wasn’t, until you asked me that right in front of him you freaking idiot.
- I don’t want to hear about your second cousin who was on a waiting list for twelve years and never got a baby. Granted, this one was much more annoying when we were going through the adoption process. Nobody wants to know that some people never get chosen. Show some kindness. Even to ugly people.
That’s all I can think of right now, but I know there are more. Just be sensitive. Don’t put your nose where it doesn’t belong. Respect my father-son relationship for what it is and don’t lessen it. Don’t talk about my son like he’s not even there or too little to understand. Or do, if you’re okay with a swift kick to the face.
I understand that I’m not being super politically correct here, but I’m a little bit pissed off about what happened today. And understandably, so is the old woman I sent away in an ambulance. I know she meant no harm.
Dan Pearce, Single Adoptive Dad Laughing
PS, please post this one on Facebook and Twitter. Most people have good intentions but really say some horrible things without ever knowing it. This is one bit of education that needs to be passed on.
Tomorrow, I’ll share with you the non-private details of how Noah came into our lives. It’s a beautiful story. Click here to read it. “Noah. A beautiful tale of adoption.”
I am a new guest, so I just read this old post. But, all I can say is THANK YOU! As a mother of 3ethnically diverse children whom we adopted at various ages and various countries, I have heard every single one of those stupid comments or questions at some point. They don't get any easier or less annoying, no matter what the age of my kids. My only thought when I saw your son, was "Wow, he looks a lot like my son." :)
To be completely honest I never once thought your son was adopted not that it makes a difference. I had no idea till I read this post. My nephew is half black & he looks nothing like his mom (my SIL) so I just assumed Noah was your bio son even when looking at the picture, i was still confused when i mentioned the proce tag thing lol! Anyone who looks at a child & thinks of a price tag or w/e is fucked up. How can ppl be so insensitive & rude especially in front of a child?! I'm convinced people are complete idiots & i would slap someone for several of those comments. Your son is adorable :)
"Don’t say things like, “as soon as you adopt you’re going to get pregnant”
It's sad that some people view adoption as a second choice. If Noah is your son, "maybe we'll still get pregnant" wouldn't even enter your mind (until maybe later if you were considering adding to your family).
With so many wonderful kids like Noah in the world already who need families who love them, I can't imagine why anyone would think of adoption as a back up plan.
You and your son look happy and that's all that matters!
@CSM I agree with what you say. People who say things like that are being ignorant. However, some people do see adoption as a back up plan when they try to have their own, realize they cannot conceive, then turn to adoption. Regardless, it is a great thing that people adopt, and some people need to stop being so rude and judgemental.
Honestly (shallowly), I looked at the picture and it seemed that you were looking at (what I presumed) was a skateboarder falling or something. You laughing, Noah's 'ouch' face, LOL! But, I did read the story! Don't judge me!!!
Having never seen Noah's mom, I always assumed he was your biological child until you said otherwise! He actually has some features that are similar to yours. His mouth is shaped like yours. And it is totally obvious that you adore him. How could anyone think you're not his "real" dad?
While I haven't adopted around here, I can totally relate. I'm a permanent foster dad to multiple kids, a step dad to others, and a biological dad to still more. All in all my wife and I have 10 kids, and they're all wonderful, all different, all perfect. The questions I get are different, but equally inappropriate to ask, especially in front of any subset of my kids. They range from polite "How do you make it work?" (you just do) to the mildly rude "Are they all YOURS?" (of course they are) to incredibly rude "You are getting fixed after this one, aren't you?" (yes, I seriously got asked that ... yes, in front of my kids ... and no, since we're not broken).
I won't deny that my children frustrate me from time to time, but their very existence lights up my life. They are the reason I work, the reason I play ... the reason I get up in the morning.
Enjoy your son and don't ever let anyone tell you he's anything but yours!
I must say this is a AMAZING list! Having been adopted myself it was the hardest thing when people said some of these things. My parents adopted me and my 3 biological siblings along with (over a few years span mind you) 8 others. They had tried for years to have a child and decided adpotion was the best option for them, which ultimately saved most of our lives. They did eventually have one biological child of their own and I would like to add two more things to NEVER say...especially to a adopted child in this circumstance. #12. Don't Say "Do they treat you different because you're not theirs?" HELLO!!! I AM THEIRS! and #13. Don't say "Will you allow her/him to meet their real parents? You don't know the circumstances of why a child is not with their BIOLOGICAL parents, and therefore cannot know whether the child would even want to know them.I am more than blessed to have such loving parents and would not change it for the world. I was not fortunate to be "given up" but rather "taken away" and its not easy to hear people say things that are more than offensive. Sorry if this sounded "Venty" but I am happy that someone is finally telling it like it is, or should be. Thank you :) I love your blogs and am so happy I bumped into them today.
Ok, so, you may think I'm thick but... I actually had no idea Noah was adopted till I came across this post. I mean, I've seen pictures of you, and pictures of him, but none of your ex-wife - so, I just kinda figured he took after her. Anyways. He's yours, through and through, which you don't need ME to tell you, obviously, but he's pretty cute. :)
i never post on this stuff Dan, ever. i enjoy your stories and liket hem because they pass the time. however this story, this blog post made me cry. i adopted my beautiful daughter grace 8mo ago, and all those things you talked about are already happening. i love my daughter more then life its self, and though we didn't go through a private agency we went through the county we still hear the same thing. thanks for sharing my frustration and addressing it as always in a humorous way.
If you're a foster parent who adopts, the questions about money usually go the opposite. "How much is the state paying you take care of them?" or "At least you're making a lot of money" ..or .. "My cousin's brother's friend's neighbor was a foster parent, and she got like $5,000 a month, plus food stamps!!" Um. No. Yes, a small stipend is given to Foster parents. If you can diaper, feed, clothe a child, and if you require it - get daycare on $12 a day, then yes, foster parenting is a money making endeavor for sure. Then comes the rude comments, as if the children aren't even there, about their parents, or saying they are better off with us, etc. Um, the kids were likely pulled from their parents kicking and screaming. They LOVE them. It is not appropriate to talk about what horrible human beings their 'birth parents' in front of them. It is not appropriate to tell the kids how lucky they are that saintly us have taken them in. And, I didn't get my kids for 'free' because they came from the state. We went through 3 long years of hell with them, their parents, and other siblings and family doing all we could to reunite that family first. You have NO IDEA, and its NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, YOU IDIOT!
We too adopted a sweet little girl but she looks so much like us that people actually have no idea. My son was actually the expensive one (IVF) and our little girl actually ended up being free (after adoption assistance from both of our employers). She is our miracle, I was a L&D nurse and a woman came in and wanted to give her up, so I told her I would take her....go to work that morning and have a baby that night...can't have a better day at work than that! I am sure we will jump through many hurdles later in our journey, but loving these two wonderful babies (the same, there is truly no difference) is the joy of my life! Keep up the good work dad, Noah is adorable and lucky to have such a great dad.
I love this... I love this SO much.... And for those that think that your post is angry: It comes from hurt. All the right people will say all the wrong things... and all the wrong people will say all the right things.
Our son, who is adopted, is almost a year old. I've just come to accept that people will always ask these questions..... just gives me a wonderful opportunity to do some adoption education!
So did your wife cheat on you with a black then?
@adrastea99 Go sit somewhere for asking a ridiculous question....bloody hell
I've read some of your blog posts that friends have linked on FB and have found them very interesting and sometimes humorous. So I decided to waste time and dig my way through some of your posts that I haven't seen. I'm an adoptive mom of 2. Our sweet 9 year old son is a domestic product from Oklahoma. Our nearly 5 year old daughter (birthday is next week) is an import from China. Most people have been very nice about our adoptions but asking how much we paid for our children is my top pet peeve. I'm usually sarcastic and say it cost us a lot to bribe the right people. Adoption costs vary greatly. If you want to know, do your own research as to what you could pay for in expenses. For our son's adoption, we had to pay part of his birth mother's living expenses. They are my real kids. I don't suffer from infertility, but I do suffer from a medical condition that prevents me from having a safe/normal pregnancy. When I tell people that, they're totally taken aback. I also love the people that feel that either via medical conditions or infertility means that it's 'God's way' of telling you you shouldn't be a parent or weren't meant to have kids (shudder).
It's awesome that you became a dad so quickly through adoption. It took 3 years of waiting for our son and 3 1/2 years of waiting for our daughter. My husband's friends have kids graduating HS or college and our youngest isn't even in kindergarten yet. The joys of parenthood later in life. Totally not planned but I wouldn't change it for the world.
My observation of this post and advice is that you come across as a loving father, an overall good guy, but the draconian way in which you give this advice makes you look insecure and angry. Let's put aside the "how much did he cost" question, that is just someone who clearly lacks awareness and probably is not very bright. But you do sound bright, and all the rest of your advice, while reasonable, just has a very angry tone to it. Way too defensive.
Frankly, there is a reason why they call it adoption. It is in fact a wonderful thing. I know parents who adopted, and many say they love them the same as their biologics, and some say no matter what, there is still a difference. OK, so what? In both cases, they *are,* in fact, wonderful people for adopting. I don't care it's because they were low on sperm count or whatever, the bottom line is that it is a wonderful thing.
So before getting too angry at my disagreement of your style, let me reiterate you sound like a person this boy is lucky to call his father. But when someone asks you something (outside of "how much was he") that alludes to him being adopted, don't be so defensive. It's not a horrible thing and you just make yourself sound like you need anger management. Any by the way, you're a good looking guy, too. So I don't buy the argument that you could not have passed your looks onto him, just maybe not your color.
I am APPALLED! I am BLOWN away by how RUDE people are! "How much did he COST?!" Noah [as any child or being] is NOT an object! Wow! I'd reply "Priceless!" *smh* Cannot believe the audacity that some people have.. Especially in front of a child! I understand curiosity but to an extent.. All I can say is, keep being the awesome dad you are to your son Dan! :)
Can I Add To This Post?
12. Knowing that I adopted from CPS, Do NOT ask me in front of my child why she was in CPS. - Any child who is taken into custody is there for serious neglect or abuse. Rehashing the worst moments of my child's life in front of her is not only unacceptable but extremely heartbreaking for her.
People just don't think sometimes. I always just respond with, "I'd love to discuss this with you at another time! Please let me give you my email address" if they seem genuinely interested as if they may also choose to adopt.
We celebrate our daughter's adoption, and her Gotcha day. She knows she was adopted and she is proud of that fact! But it's always been and will always be HER decision as to whether she wants to tell someone about being adopted or why.
Thanks for your post and your son is cute!
I'm a birth mom to a 4 year old, beautiful son :) I so appreciated this post and how you stick up for not only your love for your son, but also the respect you show birth families!
I so love reading your posts and even though this is an older one, I just had to comment. We have a daughter from China that we adopted at 10 months, she is now 6. We have a son from Thailand that we adopted at 28 months ,he is now 4. I have had the "money" question asked to me many times, as have a lot of my friends. We have a group of probably over 70 families of international adoptions here in my small city of St.John's, Newfoundland. Yes, we got all those comments when we adopted tasha...then we brought our boy Zach home from Thailand. Now, we get, "are they siblings?. I say "yes"...is that the wrong answer??? They are siblings!! With one lady, I said "yes, he is adopted from Thailand and she is from China". With that she looks at me and says "but are they REAL sibling". Of course this was right in front of my kids. My daughter is the first one to speek up and say "yes, he is my little brother and I am his big sister but we were born in different places" Luckily my gal is a smart one, but the nerve of some people never fails to amaze me. And yes, I love it when people say "Oh they are so lucky to have you" ...Seriously people get over it...r your kids not lucky to have you too??
Well we've never had those sorts of hurtful and stupid questions asked, but we've had others. I was born with a cleft lip and dyslexia. And being the overly friendly chatty child I was growing up, there were some really awful things said to me and my mother over the years. 1. After I spew out that I'm dyslexic, my favorite color is blue and I have a greyhound at home they then turn to my mother (in front of me) and say 'Oh I'm SO sorry! It must be so hard for you to have a special needs child!' First of all, I'M RIGHT FREAKING THERE! And second of all, I am not nor have I ever been 'special needs' in fact that term is considered very rude by nearly everyone with learning difficulties. It makes us sound as if we are some how mentally less or less capable then 'normal' people, and yes that's how I always took it.2. It didn't happen often but sometimes someone would notice the small, thin, faint scar I have running from the left top of my lip to my nose (it runs directly on the line of the cupid's bow) and then turn to my mother and say 'What's wrong with her lip?' Okay jackass, nothing is wrong with it. In fact the top rated plastic surgeon for mouths and noses in the country has said himself that it's the best work and healing he's ever seen. Everyone agrees that asking 'What's wrong with your kid's face' is rude, but for some reason when there's a scar involved all politeness goes out the window.
3. My personal favorites were the comments like 'School must be SO terrible for you!' Why yes, it is, but no not because of my dyslexia. I was a straight A student all through out school, I even took all AP classes all four years of high school. Never once did I step foot in the Special Ed classroom (no offense meant to those that did, I just didn't), and I graduated the third top student of my class. All my dyslexia meant is I had to find different ways than the mainstream to learn my reading, writing, and grammar skills. That only took four years in Elementary school, once I had the tools there was no stopping me. I devoured text books, novels, papers, journals, and magazines and was always three grades ahead in reading comprehension. It honestly just makes me mad that people assign being mentally lesser to having a learning difficulty. Just because I don't learn like you doesn't make me somehow less than you. Nor does it mean I was a hard child to have, or that I had a rough childhood. Also, if someone has a scar on their face, unless they volunteer info on it DO NOT MAKE COMMENTARY. Because it can be a rather sensitive subject. With that said, I'm done ranting.
I was adopted by my Father. He is my one and ONLY Father. I love no one else as much as him, and have the strongest bond with him than anyone else. Personally, I don't feel I could have a stronger bond with a bio-parent. It's amazing what comes out of people's mouths. Since I was adopted by my Father, but still have my bio-Mother it means "you weren't ADOPTED"....um, yes, I was. My Father chose me. He laid his eyes on me and never looked back. It's been 26 years. 26 long, hard, fun, rewarding years with many, many more to go. It takes a REAL man to love someone as his own and not think of him or her as anything else but that.
I have this same situation. In high school people would always tell me that it meant that I wasn't actually adopted. Yes it does! Just because you happen to have one biological parent in your life doesn't mean the other parent can't adopt you as your own.
I meant their not your haha.
1. "Free. I stole him. How much was yours, because I really would have haggled down."
2. "Anna Nicole Smith. Did Snooki inspire your current bump? Oh, you're not pregnant? Wow. Good thing I didn't ask if you were having twins..."
3. "He sold him to me for crack. Best transaction ever!"
4. "I actually have no uterus, so I can't get pregnant."
5. "Because she couldn't handle the awesome. The only reason I can is because I'm actually wearing a skin-tight suit and special handling gloves that are not visible to the naked eye."6. "Do you love your fake kids? Oh, they're your bio-kids? Well, I just assumed since they were beautiful and well-behaved..."
7. "Well I ate all my biological children, so really I love him more than them, since I let him live."
8. "Am I so wonderful even after you realize I think you're an asshole for saying that?"
9. "Oh man, his adoption was so much harder than that. I had to go into a basement and Sophie's Choice him or my ex-wife. Needless to say, she's my ex, and here's my son!"
10. "It's only hard for him when people ask me really stupid questions as if he's not there, when he's clearly sitting RIGHT THERE."
11. "That's why, if you steal them, it can be very easy!"
Because humor and making people feel stupid can be very effective in shutting them the fuck up! :)
- Mama of Dahlia
radicalmomradicalkid.blogspot.com
@DahliaMama I confess, I burst out laughing more than once reading your responses, much to the confusion of my housemates.
Oh, people say all sorts of stupid things!! Some of them truly mean no harm. A lady hotly followed me around the store one day as I was shopping with my toddler son who happens to deaf as well as adopted. Near the checkout line she pushed in front of me with her cart so I had to stop and when I looked up at her she gestured to the headband hearing aid he had on and said, "I think it is just terrible you are forcing that baby to listen to music!" She was clearly worked up and ready to confront my obvious stupid parenting so I just asked her how terrible she thought it would be if he was actually deaf and if the headband was a hearing aid and not earphones.... Her face melted and she said, "Oh is the poor little thing deaf?" "No, I said. I have him listening to heavy metal. I just wondered."
I hate when people ask me if I'm an orphan. No, my birth mom is alive and for all I know my dad might be too, just because I don't and never did live with them doesn't mean they're dead.
Wow, these rank right up there with the idiotic comments you get following a miscarriage. I'm sorry people are so...thoughtless.
sigh.. i know exactly what you mean. although he isnt adopted i did and still raise my nephew, and i hate having to talk to nosey parents at the park/zoo/museum or where ever we are on his mother's where abouts. it gets frustrating because i look down and i see his face and know he is heartbroken that she didnt come with us.
i really wish people would just either mind their own or know that you do not need to know every strangers personal affairs...
Thank you for explaining all of that, because some people just don't get it!!!
I am adopted and you are right, it does hurt the child to hear things like the things you mentioned come out of peoples mouths. I am 42 now....and I have NEVER forgot some of the horrible things I heard people say...including my own relatives who referred to me as the adopted one, wth????? People stop and think before you speak....we are their children, it's all we know. For it to be put any differently is so disrespectful to all involved. Adopted children will already have their own sense of insecurities no matter how much the adopted parents love them. You never really look like anyone....why didn't someone want you...how could someone not want you??? It is a life of wondering. As an adult I still have my curious moments...but I will tell you this when MY DAD (adopted father who I would never think of as anything but MY DAD) passed away I wrote his eulogy. And the one point that I most clearly wanted to get across to people and that meant the most to me was that I thanked my dad for choosing me to be his daughter. My parents chose me....how lucky am I!!! I feel so fortunate that I was chosen by wonderful loving parents!
I loved this post. It's so completely true. I would add in the "celebrity inspiration" category that my response would be something along the lines of "No, sorry, I don't require celebrities to make important life-changing decisions for me."
I do have one question though:
What are your thoughts on someone asking about the cost of the legal fees, rather than the cost of "buying the child"? I agree that everyone should do research but if someone was initially curious would you be offended/refuse to answer?
Did you ever stop and think that maybe people say incredibly insensitive things to mothers and fathers too? Like you saying "the proper term is 'birth mother' or 'birth father'." Did you know those terms were invented because adoptive parents got butthurt at first parents being called "natural" parents? Did you ever stop to think that "birth" *anything* is a stupid thing to call a man? "Birth father"? Really? Men give birth?
And did you think for one minute you would have ever gotten to raise Noah if his mother (yes, his MOTHER) had felt she was able to raise him instead? I'm sure you have done a fantastic job of raising him--but you only got to do so because his mother LOST him. You gained from someone else's tragedy.I wish my only problem in life was someone mistook my daughter for adopted and asked me how much she cost. You see, she's having to grow up without her big brother. Because the laws in this country are incredibly screwed up when it comes to adoption, and in some states worse than others (sometime when you're bored, look up the adoption laws for the state of Florida--and keep in mind that private non-agency adoption processes do not require counseling of the relinquishing parents), and because our culture looks down on poor parents who WANT to parent, too many families lose kids who didn't deserve to.
And before you go, "Well, that's too bad, but people like me can't have kids at all," kindly keep in mind that you are not entitled to anyone else's children. Also that adoptees are not objects to be "gifted" to full-grown adults who ought to know how to take care of their own emotional health without having to spend $30k or more on a crutch. Especially not one that isn't even talking or toilet-trained yet.
Again, I'm glad this is all working out for you, and being raised by decent strangers is better than not being raised at all, I suppose. But never forget that this was all about meeting YOUR and YOUR EX-WIFE's needs. Noah already had a mom and dad. God only knows where his dad went, but his mom clearly wanted him because abortion is legal in this country and she could have chosen that instead. So think about that before you let yourself get offended again. You played an active role in tearing an *existing* family apart. But hey, if you can live with that, more power to you, I guess. God knows nearly everyone else in this country who stops to think about adoption, never stops to think about what it actually does in the vast majority of cases.
@DanaSeilhan
Wow, this is probably the most outrageous comment I have read in a long time. I mean really.. This makes me outright angry.
First of all, I'm extremely proud to be able to call myself a birthmom. That is in no way a negative term. My little boy has wonderful adoptive parents who will always be his Mom and Dad.
Second, just because someone places a child for adoption DOES NOT mean that they 'don't want them'. It means they love them enough to put their own feelings and emotions aside to do what is best for their baby.
Noah is extremely lucky to have Dan as his father. Obviously you have had some kind of trauma but you are choosing to vent about it in the worst possible place. I really hope you keep your ignorant comments to yourself from now on.
@DanaSeilhan as you state:
"I'm what society unkindly prefers to call a "birthmother."
You know how, in most divorces, the mom gets custody and the dad feels like everybody ran over him and his rights but there's nothing he can do about it? This time, it was me who got screwed--only worse, because my in-laws decided to adopt my son and there was no way I could hire a lawyer to fight it.
Of the people I talk to about this, either (a) they're an adoption-bereaved mother and they Get It right away; (b) they get all sympathetic with me and I wind up feeling like a first-class loser with a cancerous growth on her face; or (c) they don't know what the big deal is; after all, I chose to sign the papers. Fine, if you think having your child kidnapped and being threatened with financial ruin wouldn't be coercion at all. And the thing is, society is SO! IN! LOVE! with family disruption and adoption by now, no one saw anything wrong with what was happening--including, on some level, me. I bought the cultural discourse around this subject and subconsciously assumed I must have done something horrible or else Someone In Authority would have put a stop to it.
Silly me.
The really fun part is that my son went from being raised by a depressed, poor mother to being raised by an insane bitchy grandmother and her alcoholic second husband. Exactly the sort of life I did not want any of my kids to have. And no, the system does NOT protect against this happening, but glad you asked.
I will have to answer to my son for that one day. Doesn't mean I have to put up with your shit about it in the meantime. So if you don't get what this adoption thang's all about and you're in full-on Judgment Mode, don't waste my time."
You are the one who doesn't understand what this adoption 'thing' is all about, and are, in fact, the person who is in 'full-on Judgement Mode'
It seems that you had a bad experience with giving a child up, and I am sympathetic for your situation. However, as others have stated above, you really do come across as an idiot. Which you very well may not be, but since you seem to think that your experience is how adoption commonly works and therefore all adoption is evil and gives you the right to judge everyone when you have very limited experince with the situation, that is how you come across.
Hopefully you will learn that what happened to you is a very rare and unfortunate situation, and that adoptive families, (the 'birth' parents, are the adoptive parents) are trying to create a family, not tear an existing one appart.
@DanaSeilhan *and* the adoptive parents
@DanaSeilhan Wow. Like you admit in your facebook profile - You have Issues!!
@DanaSeilhan
Wow, you are an idiot. Obviously you had your son taken away from you and never got him back. Whatever YOUR story may be is not the story of every adopted child. I was in fostercare as a teenager, so I was very well aware of everything going on. I knew the laws. For example they give you plenty of time to try and get your child back. You have to quit doing whatever you were doing to lose your child in the first place, obviously. Yes, you have to attend a lot of meetings, and your spouse, if there is one, also has to attend. If they are not willing to then chances are you wont get the child back unless you get rid of the spouse. It can be a long process but obviously you didn't try hard enough or weren't willing to do what the state was asking you. YOUR fault not everyone elses. Adoption is a very beautiful thing. Just because someone doesn't have an abortion doesn't mean they want that baby. I don't believe in abortion, but say I was raped or something, I don't think I would want that child, would be able to look at the child, not that it would be their fault by any means but that child would be a constant reminder of what happened, so I would have to think long and hard on whether or not I would place that child up for adoption but no matter what I would not kill an innocent little baby.
@DanaSeilhan
Please consider working through your apparent trauma on this subject in a productive way that can help you find peace and the right path for you. This is a loving family. They deserve support and consideration, as every family, and person involved does, whether biologically or emotionally. There are many perspectives I wouldn't dismiss any of them without consideration. Mine is; congratulations Dan on your beautiful son, enjoy every minute, he will be grown before you know it!
S.
(little boys are just the best)
@DanaSeilhan "You played an active role in tearing an *existing* family apart."Please don't reproduce. I don't think this world can handle any more stupidity.You should seriously read Noah. An Adoption Tale. and get your damn facts straight.
@DanaSeilhan You talk as if Noah was forcibly taken from his biological mother. There is a separate post about his adoption story. The biological mother chose to give up her baby. She may have been too young, or been unable to take care of the baby, or the father wasn't involved, whatever. She believed it was best to give her baby up. It is unbelievable that you are being so rude to a man who obviously loves and cares for his son!
@DanaSeilhan
I ... just ... no. As someone who was adopted because her parents did not want children, I know for a FACT that the options are not ONLY abortion or wanting to keep your child. My birth parents - yes, birth parents because they were there at my birth and they were the cause of my birth - were strictly Catholic, which means no abortions allowed, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. Ergo, they COULD NOT have chosen abortion. So, they decided to put me up for adoption to my parents, who couldn't have children because my mother had to have to hysterectomy. Not that you deserve any of this personal information; I'm just trying to prove to you how very wrong you are.
Regardless, for my birth parents, abortion was not an option. Ever. Just because they didn't want kids doesn't mean they wanted to get an abortion. They were perfectly happy to let a family who did want kids DESPERATELY raise me.
So, just think before you speak. Not everyone is you. Not everyone thinks, "Oh, well, might as well just kill this baby because I don't want it!" or "Oh, well, since I didn't get an abortion, I might as well raise this child that I don't want, and never have wanted and maybe can't afford!"
Just, no.
Also, just as an added "no, you're wrong," moment: there is also such thing as adopting someone who has been orphaned. Or adopting someone who was abandoned. So, not all adoptions are wrong or tearing a family apart or what the fuck ever else you're talking about.
Oh, and, maybe you should read this before you judge: http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/noah.html
@DanaSeilhan Yeah, not sure if you've noticed it, but abortion's a pretty controversial issue. There are people who think of it as murder. There's a slight difference between not wanting/being able to care for a child and wanting to straight-up murder him. Just because you don't believe it's murder doesn't mean no one does.Also...you know what, no. You're really just wrong in so many ways I'm not even going to bother.
@DanaSeilhan you are an idiot. like, a genuine idiot. and from your rambling, the impression is that you had your son taken from you? so maybe you're not one to give parenting advice.
just to let you know, the first thing that came to mind when you wrote "what do you notice about this picture?" was that Noah has your smile. You have a beautiful son. :)
I'm adopted in the sense that my biological mom remarried when I was very young. the man she married is my dad and there has never been any question about that. people even tell me I look like him (I'm guessing because, since I've known him for 23 years of my 26 on earth, I use the same mannerisms and phrases and such).when I stumbled on your blog and saw pictures of you and Noah, it didn't even occur to me that he might not have been your real son. people come in all shapes and sizes. he's lucky to have a dad as wonderful as you.
Im adopted and I never even knew these questions were asked. And the fact that you need to tell people this is inappropriate is just sad. Thanks for posting this- I really didnt have any idea.
WELL said. As an adopted child myself, I have also fielded all kinds of questions. I try to be as open and honest as possible without opening flood gates, but the one question that KILLS me is "do you know your real mom?". My answer to that question is yes. She bathed me and fed me every day. She read me stories at night and was there to help me learn how to play the piano and to teach me math. She was at my graduation and my wedding and has been there for me every day for the last 33 years. My birth mother is NOT my real mother--she is someone who I admire and would like to thank should I ever meet her someday. No one could ever take the place of my real mother.
What an important post - even good intentions can cause so much pain. Nobody adopts without good reasons, and nobody places their child for adoption without good reasons. It shouldn't matter if a baby was carried in the womb for nine months or if it came to your family in a different way. It only matters if the parents take good care of the child.