How much did YOUR kid cost?

People can be so rude in front of a child, it is as if these people have no filter. Our adopted son has been very hurt by several comments about adoption as he is now old enough to understand what people are saying about him. They have some funny responses to rude questions at I should have said. I have used a few comebacks from there. Here is the link: http://www.ishouldhavesaid.net/vote/ They have some great adoption comebacks.

Your kid is so cute!

I was adopted at 17, along with my four younger siblings, by my mother's second husband. We didn't get most of these, since it's a blended family rather than traditional adoption, but I've heard a few. As a woman with four years of infertility behind her, I have heard a few of these directed at me and my husband as we considered adoption (we are still interested, but were shocked this summer to find out we're pregnant - BOY LET ME TELL YOU...I could write my own lists (and will, when I'm not so spitting mad over some of the things that'll go on them). Your son is gorgeous, and honestly, I didn't even notice he's of a different race until I really looked while reading this post; you two are clearly father and son, because the love between you is a greater visible bond than any skin color. I am so glad I found your blog :)

My husband was adopted from South Korea by a Chinese mother and a Jewish-American father. There is so much love in his parents home and I am the happy recipient of their efforts. One day your son's wife (and your grandchildren) will be equally thankful for all your efforts, trials and struggles to raise that precious little boy of yours.

Although my son is not adopted, people always jump to that conclusion because we are of different races. I have heard all these hurtful comments in your post and many others ('would you still have wanted to adopt him if you knew you would get divorced?' or 'oh, it must be because of your [some real or perceived health problem] that you couldn't get pregnant' or 'of course 'your kind' [referring to either my socio-political values or chosen profession] would adopt'...). Worse thing is, they used to ask him questions directly when I wasn't around (at school or daycare) or thought I wasn't listening. Although he got very good at answering these ignorant questions ('I grew in my mommy's tummy') it used to break my heart that he had to constantly deal with it. Thanks for telling it like it is - namely, hurtful - and I hope people listen and become more sensitive. Love your blog, by the way.

I am adopted, and I completely get what you're saying. I know what helped me is knowing my adoption story, and knowing that my birth mom did love me, that is why she placed me. She loved me so much that she put me with a family who could love me even more. How many parents can say they love their child that much. It's one of the most selfless things birth parents can do. So teach Noah, as I am positive you are doing by reading your blog already, that the nievety of idiots doesn't make him anyless your child. Because damn it, he is your son. Bravo, and thank you.

I just found your blog through the post "My Daughter, Home at Last." I was adopted as a newborn back in the '70s, and I heard a lot of these things as taunts from other kids. I was very confident in my relationship with my parents and really proud of my adoption story, so I just let all that stuff roll right off. No psychological scars because of it. I'm sure Noah will do the same. He sounds like an amazing little boy!

I was once told, "I could never place a child for adoption. I would rather have an abortion." Now that's the thing to say to an adoptive mom holding her beautiful baby...yeah...you're a bright one. Thanks for the blog. Your son is very handsome.

I love this post. My little brother and sister are adopted through foster care. I am much closer to my adopted sister than i am to my older biological sister. My mother tells the kids that they may have had to start somewhere else but that God made them for her. My little sister is my mothers mini me and is so much like me academically it is scary. My little brother is my dad's pride and joy.

Because they look like my parents they don't get alot of questions... mostly we have to deal with people thinking that they are my children... I am 25 and they are in elementary school or thinking that my parents are their grandparents when they are out with them. Miss thing will correct them while giggling cause she thinks its funny that i could be old enough to be her mother because in her eyes im a kid too..

They came to us the year she started kindergarten so they remember their story. They will occasionally tell people depending on the mood they are it... i would love for some one to ask my mother some of those quesstions and let miss thing take over the reply. Cause i bet it would be a good one...

Here's one - "Is it hard for you to bond since you can't breast feed?"

As an adoptive parent myself I can''t believe someone would ask you that! I mean I can but that is ridiculous!! Luckily no one has asked me that yet even though my son is African American and I am Caucasion. As for me I loved this post it was really funny! There are a lot of stupid, intolerant , insensitive people out there and we just have to know how ridiculous they are!

THANK YOU!!! My husband and I have an 18 month old we adopted and I have heard every single one of these comments. My favorite is, "You would never know your're not his real mom." Seriously people? Giving birth does not make you a mother. Being a mother to your child is what makes you a mother. People also say to me, "Why did you have to adopt?" I didn't HAVE to adopt, I GOT to adopt! In all honesty, I am never hurt by peoples questions, just a little shocked that they would ask them. In the end, it just boils down to ignorance. So thanks for writing this article and hopefully more people will think before they talk.

Hey man! this is a GREAT post. Several years ago, I got custody of my neice. I'm her mom now. She's my daughter. But people say the DUMBEST things to me. "Wow she actually looks like you!" (yes, she is biologically related to me) "Isn't that great that she does?" (well, not sure it really matters, but since she's beautiful, yeah I'm pretty lucky to look like her!) "Where are her real parents?" (not sure that's any of your business but I'll bet you can guess it's not a particularly fun story. besides which... i'm her REAL parent. you mean BIRTH parent.) and so forth. my absolute least favorite is when people compliment me... like i'm this great person for "stepping up". it makes me a little ill actually. she deserves the WORLD. the least I can do is love her! (btw, i think MY baby girl is the greatest, so i have to dispute your claim) ;) thanks again.

haha I literally laughed when you said: "As soon as you adopt you'd get pregnant" because that is EXACTLY what happened to my aunt. She adopted a beautiful baby girl cause she was in her 40's and thought she would never have another child. Anyway, a child is a gift no matter what and I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary looking at your picture. It just radiated HAPPINESS.

One of my best friends adopts children with disabilities. She has four children from three different nationalities. The three older children are boys and had been bugging her for a sister so when the newest addition came along, you never saw three happier little boys. What I love about this family is that they are a family. Those four little kids may not look the same, but they are very close knit and my friend also hears some real knuckleheaded comments. The biggest problem for her is that her newborn, people feel they have the right to come and pick her up. She has people come up to her in the store and not even ask if they can hold her. They just try to pick her up like a doll and then get upset when my friend tells them to stop. It boggles my mind the way people can be so thoughtless and careless about children just because they are adopted.

I have a distant relative who is adopted, and my aunt told me that as a young child he would be picked on by kids at school for being adopted. So he would look at the kids with a smug expression and simply say; "My parents chose to have me. Yours were stuck with what they got with you."

I think that's pretty awesome to say that but that could just be me xD I plan on being an adoptive parent in the future and I aim to be just as good a mother so that they won't ever feel out of place, or hated, nor ever unwanted.

This is beautiful, and I'm a social work major and am possibly considering going to go into the adoption field and Adopted children are just as much family as anyone of your own family.

My Momma is adopted! And my grandma is the greatest person EVER

I have not dealt with adoption, but a similar list could be made for things not to say to an infertile couple. I'm sure you know all of those too. It can be so hurtful. I've loved reading your blogs today. Found you off of facebook and reposted "I'm a Christian, unless you're gay". LOVED IT! Thank you!

I am an adopted child myself. Of course my adoptive parents weren't really wanting us two girls, they were more hoping to get my sister. The condition on the Child protection Agency was we stay together as we had lost our entire family, and only had each other.We were messed up kids from all that had gone on before the adoption, so they would often be told those kids can't be yours, they don't act like you, they don't look like you etc. My adoptive mother was also adopted as a child and never knew her natural parents. When people used to harass and ridicule me at school she would tell me to tell them..."I may not have been their natural child, however I was chosen." I have one of those horror stories of my own but wont speak of it much, we were abused in this family up until the day I walked out when I turned 18 yrs old.You sound like an awesome parent... all the best, I truly wish all adoptive families were like yours, and it is heart warming to hear a good story for a change. You two look so happy, and first look at the picture I wouldn't have assumed he was adopted at all. Looks just like any other father and son picture, but then again that is me.

Having worked int he foster care adopt word as a SW for many years I love your post........I was often assisting foster and adoptive parents to think of creative responses to stupid things people say. I always wonder what it is about adoption that leads people to believe that they can say and ask pquestions they would not ask others. When is the last time a person walked up to new parents in the grocery store or whereever and said so how much did it cost to birth that child..........it is not cheap to have a baby but no one asks.....your list is good and I appreciate your writing....Your son is so very cute.....he makes you look better and I thnk that is a great reason to have kids.

My daughter is biological, not adopted, not that it really matters, but in all honesty to answer the question posed, while it didn't really cost me anything out of pocket, the med bills probably totalled close to CAD $750,000. Just saying.

Having said that I agree that adopted kids are family, whether by paper or by genes, it really makes no difference. Should my wife and I decide to have another child, due to reasons related to the above price tag, we'll likely go with the adoption option and we'll love that kid as unconditionally as we do our first.

so silly. I'm adopted(as an infant) and so was my sister 3 years later. I don't care what people say really. My family is my real family and that's that. I recently met my biological mom and my 3 half sisters. I have never felt so complete in my whole life. My real parents treated me as if I was genetically the same as them, when I wasn't at all(though I looked similar). It felt nice to finally feel "normal" after meeting some of my birth family. But my adopted family are still my real family and I still treat them the same way I always have.

kjgpinelake I LOVE that response! We adopted our two biologically-unrelated sons from Russia 6 and a half years ago, when they were 8 and 10. The "are they real brothers" question used to tick me off a LOT - YES, they are brothers, damnit! OF COURSE THEY ARE! I knew what people were really asking, but still.... Depending on my mood and who is asking, my usual responses are "Not biologically" or "yes, they are real."

And there are even more hurtful things when the child is adopted at an older age. We have to be very careful and respectful of how much the kids want to reveal. They still have Russian names, so that is a tip-off. (They don't look "different", so that isn't an issue.) Plus, since they are not biologically related, they each have their own hideous, memorable, painful, traumatic story. Our oldest was essentially on his own since he was 4 and to this day, we still deal with attachment issues. They present as extremely controlling teen issues, but the M.O. is different. I try to find my patience and use opportunities to educate others. They've never heard of attachment disorder, and they don't understand why we parent the way we do. On their first Christmas here, we asked our family to come for dinner, but to kindly stay not more than 2 hours. (Overstimulation can be a huge problem.) My husband's family was indignant and did not even try to understand. My sister-in-law would not even come to spend the night with them while my husband and I tried to get away for an evening. She did not see the reason they should stay in their familiar environment as opposed to going to her house for the night.

I encourage people to ask questions, but try to be discreet and curious - do away with rude!

As an adopted person, I have to say, the questions about adoption are going to be asked of the adoptee, it's inevitable. And the best preparation is to have loving parents who are not threatened by any questions, who just love their child with no qualifications. It's a good idea if your child knows about their adoption. Put up with the ignoramuses who don't know what to say, or how to respond. They are usually not malicious, just ignorant. You are bigger than that because you are filled with love for your child. The answer to the question "how much does your kid cost" is clear. He/she costs you your life.

And when you have two kids, total strangers come up to you in the supermarket and ask, "are they really brothers?" My favorite response was, "No, they're really sisters!"

As an adopted child myself I can definitely see your son's side in this. I remember the rude questions, the snide offhanded comments people would make growing up. It was painful and oftentimes it made me question myself and my life. However as I got older I knew that my parents loved me, my birth mother had to have loved me too because she gave me to the most amazing people I have ever met. I have an older sister who was adopted as well. Even our own cousins, aunts, uncles, and close family friends still to this day ask the rudest questions. "Don't you want to meet your real parents." I always respond with No, they are right here. Don't get me wrong thank God for my birth parents and for leading them to my parents but my adoptive parents have and always will be my parents. You seem like an awesome dad. I have just recently found your blog and I can't seem to stop reading. Your son will grow up strong and happy. I know people are insensitive and it saddens me. Just know that your son knows how lucky he is and he will thank you for his incredible life. I could not have asked for better parents and it sounds like your son will feel the same way.

If I might add to this list, please do not offer to be my surrogate so that I can have "my own child." My adopted daughter is my own, and I do not need your uterus. I have one. We chose to adopt rather than endure the pain, expense and uncertainty of IVF. Adoption was not a consolation prize. She is our first choice and our firstborn.

As a mother of an adopted child, I can feel for your pain here. It's amazing how insensitive people can be! The 'Real' parent in a child's life is the one who takes care of him/her. The one who feeds, clothes, and protects them. The ones who walks the floor at night taking care of their fevers, who rocks and calms them when they have colic and scream for hours with stomach aches. The ones who take them to school, ballet, soccer, band practice. The ones who love them with all their heart and soul and who provide everything they need. That's a 'real' parent whether you have given birth to them or if you're the one raising them.
As for the mother who relinquished a child, most did it in the best interest of that child. Because their circumstances are not conducive to the child's best interest. Giving a child to a loving family who desperately want children is the ultimate gift to that child. (in response to your recent postings, family can be a husband and wife or a gay couple, committed to each other who want children to complete their family!). People should get over these very outdated and ridiculous notions of adoptions. It is always in the best interest of the child! I have a biological child and an adopted child and I can tell you my love for them is equal. They both are children of my heart!

I assure that the extent of stupidity knows no bounds. I look like I could be your sister (blonde hair/blue eyed/fair skin). My husband and my first son look like they would be related to Noah (beautifully tanned skin/deep brown eyes/rich dark hair). I am my son's birth mother. But I can't tell you how many times someone would look at my son and exclaim "Oh what a beautiful child!" and then look up at me and ask "Is he yours?" The first time it happened I burst into tears at the post-partem induced insecurity ridden underlying internally received comment that someone as ugly as I could never bring forth a child of such beauty. Once my hormones got back in whack, I was able to look them in the eye and retort loudly "How rude!" Yes - people have an uncanny ability to act and speak with no forethought whatsoever. I pray I never become one of them. Your son is magnificent. Your love is contagious... and your writing is very engaging. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

There is a book out there you might like called, "32 Dumb Things Well-Intentioned People Say". The only good thing that we had to do for one of my college classes.

I too stumbled upon your blog from a friend's link to "I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay." Thank you for this post, as 'mama' in a two mom family, I have a lot of experience with ridiculous comments and questions from people, the most irritating dialogue goes something like this:

"Oh, they're so cute, which one of you is the mom?"

"We both are."

(pause... confused look... longer pause... lightbulb turned on look)

"Oooohhhhhhhh, I get it. But which one of you is the real mom?"

We are both their real moms, when I told you we were both their moms, I did not mean one of us was their fairy godmother, nor was I dressed like one.

Thanks for this fantastic post Dan!

I have a biological son who is half East Indian ... I am caucasian in appearance, he is definitely not. I have been asked many many times about his "adoption story" ... I was floored the first time ... then I learned to say, "I went to the hospital and gave birth to him." Sometimes I am a bit more or less graphic ("Oh, it's really interesting ... first I had sex, then 9 months later I pushed him out of my...." you get the idea hahaha), depending how nicely they ask. Had you not mentioned it, I never would have assumed Noah was adopted. I don't understand why people assume so much in a world with so many blended and unique families ... it seems odd that anyone would have the gall to ask such awful questions. I always find it hurtful when someone assumes my child isn't mine biologically, because he is, and he really does look quite a bit like me, just in a different skin tone.

I think he's beautiful and you are a beautiful family. I was a single parent and I'd guess the worst thing said to me was the so-called guy friend who walked up to me and said "I hear you don't know who the daddy is". I'd say that goes on a list of nonos too. My response; "Well, we both know it isn't you so that is your business how?"

Anyway, I placed my son for adoption too. They waited years for him. Back in those days you didn't meet and it was all very secretive. I had to fight the nurses to even see and hold him one time. You never forget. Well, laws changed and I went back and signed papers giving him permission to find me if he ever desired. I wasn't allowed to find him. When he was 18 he went on a search for his birth mother, which ended way easier than he expected. I will never be his real mother but he's my real son anyway and it was amazing in every way getting to know him. We are so much alike, it's awesome really. And we love each other.

I feel like Ms. Manners would advocate a response to "How much did he cost?" with something scathing along the lines of, "I'm sorry. He's not for sale." It lets the person asking the question know that they're being incredibly rude and lets your kid know that there isn't a price in the world that can separate him from you.

Hi. I ended up here after Facebook told me to read I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay (a poignant and needed post).

I agree with everything you said here and almost know how you feel.

Whenever I take all my younger siblings out, people think I'm running some sort of multicultural daycare. Telling them we are brothers and sisters brings out the most the most confused/concerned faces. If I decide to tell them half us are adopted and half of us are biological, a lot of people consider it their personal mission to determine who is who, to categorize and divide us.

When they ask if they guessed right, I tend to shrug, say "I forget," and walk away.

I just wanted to comment and say that I read one of your blog posts about a year ago, I guess? Anyway, I saved your blog to my bookmarks because I loved the post, and then just sort of forgot about it, as is wont to happen with bookmarks. So, when a friend of mine posted another of your posts, I remembered "Oh hey, this guy is awesome!" And then I found this post and the one about you adopting Noah.

I mostly just want to say thank you. I'm adopted, and I remember someone telling me when I was about 4 that being adopted meant that your "real mom" (which, my momma is my real mom, not the lovely lady who gave birth to me who I don't know) didn't love you and just gave you away for money. It hurt. I remember throwing a tantrum and yelling at my momma and screaming about my "real mom." To this day, I feel horrible about that, but point is, I know how much careless words can hurt. So, yeah, thanks for posting this, basically.

Have a lovely day! Also, Noah is adorable and gorgeous. You guys are so lucky to have each other.

Hi Dan,

I came across your blog from a facebook post of a friend. I read your post, and was just blown away by how incredibly articulate and insightful you are. I'm adopted and I still get asked questions about it. I think the number one question I get asked is how I felt living with another family? What do you mean another family? This is my family, PERIOD. I'm asian and my family is white. I grew up in Texas and so I do have a Texas accent. It sort of throws people off at first.

I remember when I was four my mother and I were in a check out line at the grocery store. The woman behind my mother asked her what is was like to "raise another person's child?" I can remember the look in my mother's eyes. It was as if someone had "poked the bear!" She looked at the woman and said, "First of all, HE's mine! And he will always be!" In that moment, even at the age of 4, I knew I was loved, I was wanted, and I was home.

I tell you this because I believe that's exactly how Noah feels. He is yours, PERIOD! He was divinely appointed to be your son as I was my mom's. It's wonderful. Thank you. Keep up the great posts and know that you are touching and blessing many lives!

Thank you so much for being willing to educate others on Adoption! As a birth mother, it is so painful to me when people say that I "gave up" my child. As if I didn't want him!!! I felt at the time, I still feel, and will always feel that I made the best choice for HIM not for myself. Who would willingly ask for the heartache and loss that comes with placing a child? I love adoptive parents who revel in their children. It makes my choice that much easier to bear. Thank you Thank You THANK YOU!!!

Love this post!

BTW - You have similar chins and the same smile, as others have said, I never would've guessed that he was adopted, just that his mom had a different ethnicity!

As an aunt of 4 beautiful adopted children who came to the family through foster care (3 with the same birth mom, one of those with a different dad), we've heard many of those same comments - the worst, though, came from someone who assumed that the baby was my SIL's. "Is she breastfeeding? If she isn't she should at least be pumping!" My brother and his wife have thankfully had a lot of patience with people, though. My brother's favorite joke to tell? "I adopted kids so I wouldn't end up with one just like me...I ended up with one anyway!"

Oh my goodness thank you for this post! I am 26 and potentially adopting a 4 yr old in DCS custody. I am single and I have a relationship with the child. Questions I get are "Isn't it going to be expensive? Do they let single people adopt? Is a single parent good for a child? Aren't you too young?" To which my responses are: Expenses are my business, single people aren't diseased so yes they can adopt, a good single parent is better than 2 bad parents, and have you seen 16 and pregnant? Age does not matter obviously. Living in the south doesn't help either. Ugh thanks for saying everything I've kept myself restrained in saying!

~Jessica

That's crazy I can't believe some people actually would say such things? Does anyone think before speaking?