Please help me. There is a mystery that I have never been able to solve. One so strange it belongs as an X-File, but something tells me not even Mulder and Scully would touch this one. If they did, it would be labeled, “The Case of the Gimp Shopping Cart”. The mystery: why the crap do I always get the most unfunctional shopping cart when I am out shopping?Seriously.
It doesn’t matter where I choose to shop, I can always guarantee that my cart will be the only cart in the store acting gorked. Usually it’s one mutinous wheel that decides to run amok and make a run on for it, causing the entire cart to repeatedly seize up. Sometimes there is something that catches and clacks with every rotation of the wheel. I can only assume there is a rotting mouse or something else equally as horrible jammed up in the mechanisms when this happens. Other times the cart wants to constantly veer to one side or the other. This one’s really problematic for a space cadet like me. Last time I got a cart like this, I walked in tiny circles for 45 minutes before I realized I was doing it. And then there are those times when I’m playing a wild game of bucking bronco with Noah and the whole cart suddenly flips over, pinning him between the cart and the ground. Weird. Real weird.
The other unexplainable phenomenon is that nobody, and I mean nobody else ever seems to have a gimp cart. I walk down each aisle, glaring down other customers and their perfect carts while simultaneously acting like my freakin’ cart has no affect on me whatsoever (kind of like when the fat kid gets picked last for kickball and has to act like he’s totally cool with it). People give me the filthiest looks as my cart hobbles by, treating me like some outcast reject from the local funny farm. I plead for unspoken understanding with enlarged eyes and short whimpers, but I never get it. The world is full of cart snobs, and I’ve had to come to grips with two absolute certainties. One, that will never change, and two, I will never choose a cart good enough to be invited into the snob circle.
I have a dream that people will not judge me by my broken cart alone, but by the food that is within. I have a dream that people won’t pay attention to the (not-as-dead-as-I-thought) mouse in the wheel, and instead will pay attention to my smile or my amazing hairline. And as long as I’m dreaming big, I have a dream that some super hot chick will see my gimp cart, and offer not only to pay for my groceries, but to come over and heat up our corn dogs for us.
A boy can dream, right?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing