So… you want girls to hate you? Don’t worry, my friend, you’re not alone. Every single day I find new ways to barricade myself against the evil double x chromosome. Every day I perfect my techniques against the wiles of the eye-batting beauties. Walk with me, if you will, down a path that will guarantee you eternal loneliness and assure you a life of everything you ever wanted except for the one thing every guy always wants.
You daft idiot. That was a test. Let me help you out with your thinking here… you don’t want to ban women forever, you only want to ban them for now. Women are the beautiful people on this planet. Women are the ones that have enchanting eyes and unhairy, soft skin. Women are the ones that have a little more “shape” to their bodies which make them so much more fun to snuggle and hug. I’ve tried snuggling and hugging a dude. Not fun. Seriously.
Ummmm… Who the heck am I even talking to? I have no clue. Truth be told, I’m all hopped up on NyQuil right now because I got hit with a sinus infection last night. I’m not so sure that I should be typing at all, let alone doing it on my smart phone while doing 70 on the freeway. I’m going to attempt it, though, so if you never read this, I guess you’ll know that I didn’t make it. Tell my mom I love her.
Anyway… I do love women, especially the kind, sweet, gentle, wonderful ones who also know who they are, what they’re working toward, and how to treat other people. I love beautiful girls. The older I get, the more I am 100% convinced that beauty has little to do with looks and almost everything to do with a girl’s sense of self and love for herself. I don’t like girls who change their opinions, their beliefs, or even their musical preferences for any guy. I really like women who…
Wait a minute. What the crap am I going on about? This whole NyQuil/Blogging thing is not working out for me so well. This blog post was supposed to be a simple top ten list of the ways I’m keeping myself single. As you’ll remember, I just want to be single for awhile. I need to be single for awhile. And since I love the female variety so much, I have to do things to protect myself against falling in love right now, and almost as importantly, having any girl fall in love with me. So with all of those totally useless side-tangents, I present to you:
Single Dad Laughing’s 10 Ways to
Stay Single Attract the Ladies
- Introduce her to your roommates. Girls love animals. We had a dog, but that wasn’t enough to attract every woman. In fact, with some women it’s a turn-off to only have one. So, we got two birds. That was three days ago. Tonight we got two more. And one of them is a Sun Conure which is very loud and very obnoxious. Since I have been practicing zoning out “nagging birds” for years, it doesn’t bother me at all. If I find that four birds and a dog aren’t enough, I’ll start adding free-roaming cuties like ferrets and opossums.
- Make sure to always invite enough company over. If a girl is starting to like you, invite her over for an awesome night at home. Then, invite another beautiful girl the same night. Make sure to give them both equal attention. They’ll really appreciate how considerate you are.
- Bring Mom along. Girls love a guy who loves and dotes on his mother. To prove that you’re that kind of guy, bring her along not just any time you go out, but every time you go out. My mom is pretty freakin’ awesome. I’d love to have her there.
- Show your frugality. Women love responsible guys. Show her how responsible you are. I like to show a girl by asking her to order water instead of drinks at restaurants, insisting she choose exclusively from the dollar menu, or taking the time to pick an armful of dandelions instead of buying lame pre-cut roses for her.
- Show your frugality. Even more. Move in with your parents. This is definitely on my list of things to do (is that cool, Mom?) This combines the power of number three and number four which is why it’s such an important requirement. Chicks dig it. Trust me.
- Be a real man. Women like men who are men. They don’t like sissy boys or weak sauce pansies. When you’re out with a girl, make fun of geeky guys, slap a waitress on the rear-end, or pick a fight with another man who is just as much a real man as you are trying to be.
- Compliment the way she smells. Girls like to smell nice for their fellas. If you smell tomato sauce on her breath, be sure to tell her how strongly awesome it is. If you smell a little B.O., compliment her love for all things natural. Just be careful. Only point out a girl’s “gas passing” if you are at least 5% positive that it was her.
- Compliment her figure. Be respectful and keep your eyes above the waist and below the chest. Or was that above the chest and below the knees? I’m not sure. Flip a coin because they both probably work. Just don’t compliment her chestal area, unless you absolutely need to in order to complete #6.
- Show her how sensitive you are. Girls LOVE sensitive guys. Bawl hysterically at every movie, no matter what movie you’re watching together. Wipe a tear away every time you pass roadkill and ask her to share a moment of silence with you over the animal’s death. Tell her that all the hate and anger in the world weighs so heavily on your soul that it constantly makes you want to kill yourself. Yeah, that’ll work. Girls love the sensitive guys.
- Get physical with her. Take her bowling with the guys. Have her help you gut a fish (don’t forget the moment of silence from #9). Discuss Newton’s laws (which is also a great time to cry hysterically). Prepare a meal using only “food” from the Asian Market, all of which must still have heads and hair. These are all very wonderful and intimate things to do with your lady.
And… you’re welcome. I just saved you at least one divorce, thousands of dollars, and all hope for your soul mate to actually like you when she finds you.
In all seriousness… my NyQuil just kicked in hard core. I take no responsibility for spelling errors, redundancy, run-on sentences, or plain old stupid writing in this post. I’m going to bed.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, please like or recommend this awesomely funny post on Facebook and Twitter.