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Let’s have some more fun with maps today, shall we? I’m sure you remember the last time we pulled out a map. The post was called Remind me never to date a girl from South Dakota (click here to read it).

In it, we discussed how I could use the visitor count maps from my Google Analytics account to make major life decisions, such as picking my next soul mate. In that post, we only looked at a map from the United States, mostly because I didn’t have much of a world following yet. But, yay! Now I do!

For all those that did read it, I am pleased to announce that South Dakota has now sent over a whopping 125 people (their count was at zero; the only zero on the entire map), and has officially moved into the “Friend Zone”. They’ve even pulled ahead of one other state and now rest at a comfortable 49th place. Wyoming is lagging by 12 visitors, but I can’t complain since Wyoming’s visitor count represents 100% of their population.

But today isn’t about the United States, it’s about my awesome friends everywhere else. Amazingly, has now been visited from people in 137 different countries. That means I’ve only got 56 countries to go to truly be represented worldwide.

The problem is, I don’t think communists like me. Why? What did I do to you?

On my last trip to China, I learned that the government makes it impossible for its users to access any Blogger blogs. That would be my blog. Kind of a bummer since half the people in the world live there. Oh well, I wouldn’t want them to see my post making fun of their nasty, still moving food anyway.

As I look at the map, though, I realize that the countries that have never sent anybody over (the ones in white), may not ever. A lot of them are communists. And, communists obviously don’t like me.

Well, fine then. The hotties in your countries can kiss this relationship opportunity goodbye. And Greenland, I don’t know much about you, but a quick search shows me that you might be the worst of the Commies… Forcing people to dress like yodelers and keep Newfoundlands for pets? Scary stuff over there. I think I’m going to start a charity called “Free the Greenlanders”. If anybody wants to donate, send some money to St. Jude’s Children Hospital, I’m sure it will get to me.

Besides the communist countries, most of the countries in Africa are still showing up white and empty. Sure, the countries that aren’t represented have their own problems with tyrants, rebels, war, and every unspeakable thing you could imagine going on. But, seriously, can you not all call a truce long enough to log on for some laughs? Is that too much to ask?

Yikes, I need validation from the evil people of the world. That’s not good. Please, please, somebody from those countries find a way to visit so that I can dominate the world in my own digital tyrannical ways! I’ll send you money. I’ll do anything you want. I need your validation!

On to other countries. Surprisingly, I have a strong following in Iraq. I guess I can officially be thankful to George W. for something. Saudi Arabia is also putting up decent figures. If you guys need somebody to sponsor your sweet crude, just let me know. My minimum fee is $1 million, which we all know you’ll never miss.

On a side note, Belarus has officially turned into the South Dakota of Europe. Seriously guys, I’ve even had hits from the Vatican and Moldova (wherever the heck that is). You Belarusians really need to break-free from your Russian wheat vodka and your disgustingly delicious kvass. We have fun here, and we want you in on it!

Of course Canada, Australia, and the United Kingdom are always representing with some awesome numbers. You Canadians are great, eh? And you Brits, I can only imagine how sexy my blog posts sound with your accents. Australians, you’re just cowboys like me. Rugged, awesome, and you love sheep.

Did I really just say that?

I’ve had too much Russian wheat vodka tonight.

Tell me, whether you’re from the States or you’re from abroad, where are you from, and do you know anybody in Greenland to whom you could send my link?

I’m serious.

Not really.

But kind of.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!