You just broke your child. Congratulations.

I just have a question, I think it might be nice rather than taking the judges seat, if maybe we should take the initiative to befriend this father...Maybe a good example would rub off. Maybe he is only carrying on a family tradition. And is frustrated because he's not sure how to do it differently. Walk up to the Dad, and say, something like, I see you may be a little frustrated. I have had days like that my self, how can I help? I read a story once about a man who wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper telling a similar story...he somehow found out later that the man had just lost his wife...and he didn't know how he was going to get through another day, let alone raise his son alone....things aren't always as they appear. Now maybe your son could learn from a Dad who helps a stranger. I hope I helped you today. Thanks for being a good Dad now go forth and change the world with love...charity never faileth.

why didnt you do anything! ....

"I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids."

I have been put on a pedestal and reported to child protection--neither was deserved or appreciated! By the way Dan, our adopted kids are our own. Not related genetically, nevertheless ours. Of course we love them--we yearn for them, choose them, commit to them, make promises, jump hoops to prove we are competent -- quite different than many biological relationships.

When I see a parent and child enjoying their relationship I rejoice in their good fortune. When I see a parent and child struggling I try to feel compassion. Sometimes I can help. Judging them is never productive.

I've shared the same thoughts many times, and as a mom, I've wondered why this seems so difficult for some people (both dads and moms) to understand. I recently read reports that were not particularly complimentary to men in general. We seem to be a generally unhappy population and then we make the mistake of having children and passing that unhappiness on to the most innocent of all. I recently read a statistic that said that 10 percent of the male population make good mates and parents.....and the rest are just having sex. Something has to give here......this is just shameful because I believe we know better....so we are obligated to do better.

this made me cry....not only should DADS read this, but a lot of moms too (myself included) sometimes it takes something like tha single dad laughing to open your eyes to what you do every single day. I have realized that I treat my sons the way that my parents treated me, and they were treated by their parents and so on...its just easier to handle things the way you were taught. I KNOW its not right to treat a three year old like the enemy, I KNOW its hurting him, but stopping myself before I react is where the problem really lies. As parents, its VERY easy to get overwhelmed, stressed out and that easily translates to ANGER when that is all you know... I have been working on LEARNING other ways to deal with parenting during those moments, but reading your article yesterday made me realize Im not doing near enough if I still yell at my kids daily...I remember what it feels like to be that broken little kid, and feeling like I was NEVER safe, or loved, or accepted..which all blossomed into a plethora of adolescent and adult issues that I am lucky to have survived, let alone learned from. I KNOW that i NEVER want my boys to feel like that. I want them to feel safe and learn to be coping adults, as opposed to keeping the chain of reactive anger going through my lineage... All I can say is THANK YOU, and I can TRY...

I have to wonder where the roots of this scene you describe grew. Despite the prevailing view in the comments on here, there are times when a child needs to be 'broken'; although that hardly seems the case here. My goodness, he yelled at his six year old and told him to remain in a place and when the boy disobeyed (for the first or umpteenth time during the Costco trip???) he issued a stern threatening warning. Horrors! That IS child abuse, call 911!

Of course, when the legions of present day children reach adulthood with no impulse control and expectations of an adult world free of responsibility perhaps we'll change our tune. My parents...'parents', as in one father and one mother raising their children together (the first and most important lessons a child absorbs really comes from a stable home life)...who are now in their mid-eighties, raised myself and my 4 brothers and two sisters and they taught us very valuable lessons. Probably the most valuable lesson I learned from them and apply to my own three children is that a parent cannot be so needy of their children's approval that they rationalize and accept anything that child does.

I too witness scenes of bad parenting in restaurants, at the playground, in stores and other places. It saddens me greatly, and I often want to say something but usually don't, when I see a parent not being a parent. Because, after all, a child will make friends as they grow and learn but they really only have two parents no matter where they end up and it is so sad to see that responsibility squandered just so the parents can feel good about themselves in that moment. So often what 'feels good' or 'feels right' simply is not actually the right thing; doing the right thing often feels bad but that doesn't absolve the responsibility of doing it anyway.

(((((((((HUG))))))))))

You are right on with this blog entry for parents of both genders!

Yeah there was more you could of done while standing there but I totally get why you didn't do anything....but you did do something by writing this.

And the fact that you are a man writing this means a ton in my book!!!

You asked for positive father figures and for me that would have to be my Dad Steve. Far from perfect he has been a GREAT example of a Father who has loved, cared and nurtured me and my three siblings through out the years!...He also has pointed us to his FATHER that being JESUS CHRIST!

Keep up the GREAT work getting the word out about how to be the DAD God means for men to be!!!

God bless!

Kelly D <>< :)

Thank you for writing what I have been saying all along; however, your cautionary tale can and should extend to moms as well. I will be the first to admit I am not going to win the mother of the year award, but considering the trials and tribulations (derived from my own decisions and decisions and circumstances of outside sources), I have raised three children on my own, and I have to say, they are pretty awesome kids, considering what I am witnessing out there: the breakdown of innocence, etiquette, compassion, responsibility, respect, and work ethic of so many other children. I have two dead beat dads with minimal help from the grandparents of the two older kids. My third child will never know her own biological father or grandma (father does acknowledge her but his family refuses to. However, because of a protective order and custody papers stating he can never come into contact with her because of domestic violence; however it is my decision to stand by those documents, as I have seen he has never changed nor will he and more importantly, he refuses to take ownership for his actions against me while I was pregnant with our daughter).

However, although I have found myself in tumultuous relationships and situations, I will give props to my recent ex. He is not the biological father of my youngest, but has been there since she was born. He loves her as his own. Another man I thank is my husband; a man who has taken on all three of my children as his own, loves them as his own, and would do anything for them. I know there are good men (and women) out there to raise up their child rather than bring them down. Sadly, I procreated with two of the deadbeats, but I do thank them for their contribution; like I said I have three wonderful children and my husband has the honor of partaking in their trials, tribulations, victories, and moments; something both dads have opted out of because of domestic violence, inability to be responsible, and lacking the ability to take ownership for their duties, contributions, victories, and failures.

I commend you for being a great dad and I commend all the men and women who are good parents to their children. Sadly, it appears we are becoming the minority, for many parents do not deserve their children let alone should they have a right to thwart the world's future by wreaking havoc in their child(ren)'s lives.

Amber P.

Momma2cni

I just caught onto your blog through Facebook. I am not a dad (a mom), but I believe my husband is an amazing Father, both firm but incredibly loving, gentle with his 2 year old daughter, and gives her the time and energy she deserves, as well as the loving correction she needs. He is her superhero! You should see how she yells and opens the door when he comes home, and how excited she is when he plays with her. :) Thank you for your post.

A friend just introduced me to your blog via Facebook today. Thank you for making a stand with this post. Thank you for saying what so many other parents should feel and be saying. Children are such an amazing gift, and they are only small for a short time...love them for who they are, not who you want them to be. Love them because they are a part of you, and they love you unconditionally. Love them because no one will ever look at you with the eyes they do, you know the ones...the ones that makes them see you as the perfect person (that you know your not). Love them because you should...and you must. Lead them, guide them, direct them...but let them decide, let them grow into their own person...just love them no matter what, unconditionally.

Thank you for this! It makes me realize what a wonderful Dad my husband is........It also encourages me to be a better Mom! I tend to let stress get the best of me at times and get upset with my children unnecessarily. This morning could have been a stressful one, but thank the Good Lord, I was calm and in return, they were calm and it couldn't have gone any better. Just proof that taking out your stress on the kids does not make you feel better or make the situation any better. Thank you again, Dan, for sharing this.....it was a double blessing for me! You are a wonderful role model for other Dads!

My husband is an awesome dad. He always tells our son how much he loves him, they play together, and they have a bedtime routine together. Like you, I wish all dads were like that and not singled out as being extraordinary. It should be common.

What an amazing, inspiring letter. You are a wonderful gift to your precious son as he is to you. As a mother to three wonderful little souls, I am keenly aware of my imperfections. I try my best everyday to make my children understand how truly special they are. This letter has inspired me to keep putting them first.. they deserve it!

My husband is a great father. He works away from home from 21 to 28 days at a time. That is an eternity for his children who are 6 and younger. He comes home to the warmest welcome one can imagine! He picks each child up at a time while the other two (plus me and the cat) wait patiently for their turn. He looks them each in the eye, tells them how much he missed them and gives them a big long hug and a kiss. The week he is home with us is about family. Of course, he goes out with friends on a night and we get a date night or two in. He is not perfect.. but he is our children's hero.

I will adding this letter to my favorites. Whenever I need a reminder to try harder or do better for my kids I will take a few minutes and read.

Thank you.

Dan,

I know a few men who were good fathers. One died just a few years ago. He was 69 years old, almost 70, when it happened. It was a shock to his family and to many other people in the community who knew him. He had served in the Lion's Club for many years, and helped many people with visual challenges to navigate through life. His children loved him, and he treated me as a son as well. His example inspired me to laugh with my children and to love them. His imprint stayed with me throughout my years as a young father. Did I slip and yell at my girls? Yes, I did. Nevertheless, I kept remembering him, because he was the kind of father I wanted to be. It's been a few years since he died, but I still can't believe he's gone. In some ways, he's still with me.

And you, sir, have had a huge impact. After reading your article, I felt stirred to do a better job as an older, not necessarily wiser, father. I can only speak for myself, but I will remember your article probably for the rest of my life. It took just a few minutes of reading your work to do that, so yes, you've probably changed quite a few lives far more than you can believe.

Wow, this is great. It was a great remind for me, as a MOM. When our actions are guided by LOVE, be can do so much good in your childrens lives. BUT when guided by FEARS, we harm them, and leave nasty scares. Our children our gifts, that our in our homes for such a short time. I was amazed just how short is was when my oldest moved out 3 yrs ago, then again when my 19 yr. old moved away this month for her schooling. Great Advice, Thank-you.

I have never met my dad. Most of the time I think it doesn't matter to me, because I haven't had a hard life and I have a great mother. But the truth is, every once in a while, I get this burst of anger at him for not being a part of my life. Whether or not he or my mother had reasons for thinking I'd be better off without him doesn't make a difference in those moments. It just hurts. And I just cry. Dads should want to be with their children. He should have wanted to be my father. Because it isn't fair that I have grown up wanting him, even though I know nothing about him. Even though he didn't want me. Even though he might be someone I wouldn't want to know if he wasn't my dad. But he is my dad, whoever he is, and I wish he had wanted to be my father. Love your children, Dads.

As a dad of two beautiful kids this post resonates with me greatly and it is a pleasure to read. Sometimes in that day to day action that most call life we can tend to forget where our responsiblity lies. With our family and our kids first. It is our job as fathers (and mothers of course) to bring up our kids so that they can show love and compassion to this evolving world. Teach them when you are wrong that it is ok to admit, when you hurt someone it is ok to say sorry, when you fail it is ok to cry, when you cry it is also ok to forgive and laugh once again. We give our kids the foundation and expect them to build their house. Like that dad at Costco (and I would never defend someone like that) however consder where he may have come from and offer him some sympathy as he man not know any other way. We are all parents and we owe eachother the support, and empathy of being in unreasonable circumstances. So next time you choose to look at me for teaching my son or daughter a lesson while they have a tantrum in a shopping mall by ignoring their mis behaviours. Consider one thing, at times we are all jsut doing the best we can with what we got. Sorry the for the unclear direction in my post but when kids/family are being talked about emotions cloud the thinking and that is just the way it should be at times, and I am OK with that.

You are a beautiful, beautiful man and father. Bless you for being so keenly aware of the affect you have on your offspring. The love, worth and respect of their self. My heart tightened as I read your inspiring words. Too many (mothers and fathers both) are blindly unaware to the permanence of their actions on their child's life in every aspect of their life and not just their childhood. The world needs more men like you <3

Thank you for loving your child as you were meant to...

Thanks. Thanks for speaking up.

I raise my kids alone. Their Dad left the country nearly nine years ago and has not been back since, nor will he. He is mentally ill. Reading your post, I realize that it is better for my kids to grow up with an absent father but with present love from his family and occasional contact from him by computer when he is able. It is not perfect but at least it is not the outright abuse you witnessed in Cosco that day.

Just yesterday, my fifteen year old son asked if we had any family stories to tell that he could use for a writing project. I spouted of a few options including ones about his father’s ancestors and family. He smiled and said he wondered if there might be stories there but knew his Dad wouldn’t be able to answer him clearly. “No problem,” I said, “I know some of the stories, I have books on the culture, and will be glad to help in any way I can.”

I wish more people realized, as you do, the power ‘to do good’ a Dad has for his children and in his children. I wish more people were kind and considerate to my son, not because he doesn’t have a Father present but just because he’s an amazing kid and deserves to be known not judged for how he looks or the fact that he slouches in his chair at church. I can’t help but wonder if Fathers knew the impact of their words and actions for their kids if they might not also grow them to extend past their own to reach out to kids like mine in compassion as well.

My husband was broken by his father......and his brothers still continue to break their kids. My husband is a hero for changing the cycle he lived with. My husband is a hero for being the best dad, for loving his daughter, for encouraging her, for sleeping skin to skin with her, for singing with her, for understanding her cues, for letting her lead us in what she wants to do. My husband is brave and is making a new life for himself and his family. And as much as it pains me to hear your story about cost co because I know my husband lived it, it makes me love him even more to know how much he has overcome.

hello i appreciate the dad you are and the way you are sharing. thank you. my husband is a great dad to my 3 kids and even tho i get mad at him sometimes, i never want to take my kids away from him because they need their dad. again thank you.

Well said. I am a stay-at-home mom with a husband who can travel for work up to 3 weeks out of a month. I admire him, because like you, he seems to be given a great gift. The gift of awareness of others feelings, and maybe more importantly, the gift of understanding his role as a father. It seems to be common sense to him. To him, there is no other option than to hug, kiss, play, laugh and be silly. I loved your comment about how the look on your face when you see a child can impact the way they feel about themselves. It is so true. I think so many people, men in particular, struggle with what they perceive to be "manly". We allow men/boys to act like neanderthals and let them get away with poor manners and uncleanliness because "they're boys and they just don't know any better." They're made to feel like they're just not manly if their world doesn't revolve around a sports team or they don't spend every weekend hunting or fishing. I know how I would feel as a wife to be ignored every weekend after seeing my husband just for a few hours in the evening all week long. Imagine the message that sends to your kids, that Dad would rather be away from me than with me. Yes, yes, yes, we adults have a right and sometimes a true need to have some grown-up time without kids. I stay-at-home, I know! But it's just plain selfish to think you can act like you're still single by doing whatever you feel like when you're not at work. I mean, what did you have children for? What did you get married for? You chose, I'll repeat, CHOSE to have these people in your life. So what? Now they're just not good enough or fun enough to spend time with? It blew my mind when I went to college and met new friends who honestly didn't know their own father, and he lived right there in the same house their whole life. Now I see some of my friends making the same mistakes. It is truly sad to me. Why does the world focus on superficial things to identify what a man is? Thank you for this post! It would a amazing to see how the world would be different if there were more fathers like you and my husband. Men who could see the big picture.

Dan I love this letter. It's a great reminder to appreciate the simple beauty of being a parent and watching our children grow. This post made me feel grateful for my amazing husband as he inspires our daughters every day and shows them throughout the day how much he loves them. Thank you!

What a great post! It makes me want to be a better mother. Take the time to play with my kids everyday. Cuddle them everyday. I'm going to share share share this until I learn it!

Wow, what a great post. One of my boys plays hockey and I often wince at the yelling from crazy parents...shared this on my FB wall, hope some of them happen upon it. all the best!

kerrry

www.snickerdoodles.ca

This is such a wonderful post. I cannot tell you how often as a preschool teacher I see parents (but a lot of the times it is dad) pick their little ones up and don't act happy to see them, rush them out the door, and get irritated and mad because they are too slow. It breaks my heart every time. I am very lucky to have a very hands on husband- in every way- he is not afraid to show physical affection to his kids...ever. It is wonderful to see how he is with ALL kids- but especially his own. He has rocked them, rubbed their backs, stroked their heads, hugs them daily (several times) and tells them he loves them often. Yes he gets crabby sometimes, he is only human, but he never belittles them, or makes them feel bad about themselves.

First you weren't a coward. That little boy has to go home with that "man" and if you had said something it may have fallen on temporarily deaf ears - until he heard it enough to blame the kid for getting other people involved. It's tough. I've seen a mother swatting and screaming at an older kid in the supermarket - I would have loved to have gotten between her hand and the kid but he still has to go home with her, unprotected. My boys are (almost) 15 and 20 and it's a different ball game with them & their dad's relationship now that they're older. We have great kids, they make good decisions (most of the time :) and right or wrong I never told them I was proud of them, kinda didn't let dad either. My feeling is that if I'm going to give time to "proud" there has to be equal time to "disappointed". I flat out told then that they know the difference between right and wrong and the most important thing is that they be proud of themselves because if someone else is proud of them they are living up to that other person's expectations. I talk to them about my decisions and they ask me questions about stuff they don't understand all the time. It's a little tough with my younger one - he seems to like to do things for the words but he's coming around and when he's proud of himself there is a glow like no other :) Going back quite a few years I was helping in my son's kindergarten class and I brought in little cardboard trinket boxes, markers and stickers for art. Each child got their share and probably 1/2 of them said "What do we do with it?" so I told them to decorate it and then if they find pretty rocks or shells or something they can save it in there. Then some kids asked where they put the stickers (ouch) It took a tiny bit of convincing but when I told them they could decorate it any way they liked they glowed. They probably didn't get the opportunity to make their own choices and be proud of what they did at home. So many stories, so little time :) I think kids are Gods way of saying "Hey slow down, relax, be a kid for a while. Shame some people don't get that...

This is a sad story and, unfortunately, I can relate. I've been disowned by my father and have been called names no daughter should ever have to hear come from a parent's mouth. I've been broken and he doesn't care. I don't let anyone see my brokenness though. He will never know what he's done to me. He will never see how hurt I truly am. But, I can't forgive him and, for now, I won't. The only father I've ever known is an abusive (mentally, verbally, and (only to me) physically) liar. In my mind, unless somehow proven otherwise, there's no such thing as a "good father."

First off I would like to say that this is a very sad story and I would have not known what to do honestly. I am a single father of 3 beautiful children,my youngest Boy Xane 3 about to be 4, Addison 5, who was a identical twin. Her sister died after 68 days after birth, and Noah 6. After everything i have endured all i can ever think about is what is best for my children, what i would do for them and to never hold them back. I admit that I might work to much, especially now that I had my mom and disabled step father move in with me so i could actually start making money again. I always make sure to spend time with them on homework before I leave for my 2nd job and then if i can make it home we will watch movies together. I sometimes will take off job 1 on Fridays to rest before I take boys to there speech and occupational therapy . On the weekends I spend Saturday mornings with them before job 2. i only have Sundays off so that day is dedicated to them and nothing else. I tip my hat to all parents who do what is right for there children and don't use angry tactics. Remember your child is a gift and they are a part of you make them the best they can be.. thank you everyone who is a good parent

I'm a mom writing with my 9 yr old (very soon to be ten) son. We read your post together while papa (his dad) is getting a tiny bit of extra sleep on a Sat morning. So here are my son's words: "My dad is always up for reading to me, he makes me really yummy dinners - like really yummy -- he encourages my art (I like to draw and paint), he lets me go to classes that I like (like art, writing workshops, etc), he cuddles with me, whenever I do well in sports (soccer), he gives me a high-five, he reads the Sunday comics to me every single Sunday (since I was 1 week old! - that's what my mom told me), he doesn't let me have lots of treats that are bad for me but he (and my mom) finds me healthy treats to eat - and even lets me have Costco ice cream once in awhile. I used to get bullied sometimes at my old school and that made me a bit of a bully, my dad (and my mom) tried to help me and then they let me go to another school that spends more time helping kids to be kind to each other. My dad spends a lot of time talking to me about how to be kind and get along with others.

And he's also just a great person because he started one non-profit that teaches kids performing arts and ran that one for 17 years and now (for the past two and a half years) he is the director at another one that does even more (classes in music, art, tutoring, gardening, healthy cooking, etc) for all kids.

So I feel very lucky to have a dad that makes time, even when he really needs to be working, to play with me, or read with me, or just hang out with me. And that's why I feel he's a great dad!