You just broke your child. Congratulations.

Wow, where to begin?  I found this post, well insulting, and very very one sided. Now I wasn't there but you seem to have made up your opinion of the boy and man way before anything serious happen. You make him out to be this over bearing abusive brute, and the boy to be an innocent free spirit, loving child. Lets say that happen just the way you said it did. Why didn't you call the police, when he man handle the little boy who was doing nothing but walking near his dad. As a father of 2 who has had to use strong words and actions with my children who I love more than anything, I know how it looks to most people. When my daughter was 3 or 4 she through her first fit in a store. Fell to the floor crying cause she couldn't go to the toy section yet. I picked her up and through clenched teeth said "get your little ass up now" and smacked her bottom 2 times.  A lady came over to me and my wife and said how I shouldn't beat my kids. I walked over to a frig on display and with one hand and my finger tips pushed the frig once and made it rock back tipping it some. I then told the lady I do not beat my kids I give them a tap to let them know they crossed a line and to snap back into shape. If I really hit my 3 year old daughter with any type of force, being 6'7" and 3ooLBS at the time, she would have flew across the room. I also stated that she may stand for rude, bad kids, but mine will be well behaved and know when and how to speak to those around them. 

   I am not saying this guy was not overly aggressive with his kid but you do not know how long that kid might have been whining, and from the little discrep you give, sounds like the kid was being punished and keep moving from the spot his father told him to stand.  If he was a bad father, he wouldn't be at the store with his son in the first place.

I'm an advocate for that cause. I may have rules around my house but I known when my kids need my time. I just spent 3 days at camp for B.S.A. leadership training. Our belief is that ever boy deserves a good trained leader. Maybe we should start requiring some parents to take this. My dad was tough but he loved me enough to take me through years of Scouts. That takes courage....... or maybe it's knowledge....because what he left for me is a legacy. Just what I plan to leave for my son and the boys I lead. keep posting.

Thank you for such an eloquent piece.  My husband is one like you - a good dad who listened to his daughters, taught them, read to them, tucked them in at night, helped out at their school and loved their mother (me).  But he needed help to get to that place because his own dad didn't know how to be a dad and he carried a large burden of hurt from his own childhood.  He now is a teacher with a wonderful program in Monterey CA called Breakthrough for Men (www.breakthroughformen.org) where men from all walks of life come to learn to heal from pain inflicted by a society that expects boys to "man up", "don't cry", "don't be a sissy", etc.  I hope that more programs like this will flourish so that the men who don't know how to be fathers can get the help they need.

I loved your rant! I didn't come from a perfect home, but my Dad did some amazing things sometimes. One of my favorite memories is when I was a teen- I had a craving for a pomegranate, and mentioned it out loud to my twin sister. No one noticed my Dad leave. Ten minutes later he walked in the door, dropped a pomegranate in a bag in my lap, and slipped into the hall where I caught the glimpse of a concealed smile on his face. I had no idea he had even heard me! How did he drive off without notifying the entire house, since all the windows were open? Have I ever had to wonder if my Dad loved me? Nope! Not with him doing little things often to SHOW me that he loved me. In that whole pomegranate scenario, he didn't say a single word. He didn't have to. I already knew he loved me!

@equilibateit still no excuse. A Dad is king to his children. Once a Father cross that line of insecure immaturity the king becomes tyrant. That will most likely create the  same type dad when he grows up.  I have been in similar Costco situations and had it out with parents out loud in public! We are obligated as people to chastize the sinners.Becuase we are sinners at all times. God only had an appetite for redeemers not the saints. But If we can change the one sided "No fault Divorce" law as passed in 1968 first in Ca. then spread across the states in less 20 years , I can assure you there would be more single dads  taking on full custody of thier children. You would be surprised how difficult family court can be against dads. You can see its ill effect in society. Kids being raised by boyfiends and step dads.  So many are Aimless, dis-connected secular kids seeking expression of oneself or identity through tatoos fancy sneakers instead of their vocabulary.  

Blessing to you!

Did we ask what the dad was going through at the time? maybe he has just got put off from work and could not pay for the ice cream and then have money to get a stale loaf of chemical ladden bread to at least provide some form of food and may be he has just be told that he can't drive the car until it is fixed, yes he maybe hash on the young lad and maybe nobody before has given him any compasion remember it was you that judged it wrong and told the love away from the father there are more than we see

I just love your blog. My husband and I have raised 3 amazing, wonderful, self-supporting, well adjusted adults that we are incredibly proud of. Did we  punish our children when they did wrong? Yes, of course. But we always did it with humor. They actually recall their discipline with love and laughter and enjoy telling stories about it. For example, with our son, he once was grounded from electricity. No tv, computer, or toaster for his pop tart. It was an affective punishment but funny at the same time. One thing we NEVER did was yell at or belittle our kids. Okay, maybe my husband yelled once over a frisbee and a broken window. But he felt really bad about it afterwards. You just HAVE to love your kids and show them you mean it.

Thank you!  I see many dads who act like this and genuinely think this is acceptable.  I have a mother who acts like this and thinks it's seriously okay.  Lucky for me, my dad has always been and always will be one of those amazing fathers.  He was always there to hold me together when my mother broke me down.  Completely ignoring the parenting plan when he feared for my safety.  He's gone to jail for me.  He's fought tooth and nail for me.  He's done everything he could to build up my strength and self worth so that now I am an adult, I can go on and live a normal, healthy and stable life.  I wouldn't be here without him.  I know that.  Without my amazing father, I would have given up completely a long time ago.  Love you dad!

You need faith in fathers ~ Well, my husband is a great dad. I grew up without a dad so maybe my personal experience renders lower standards; but, I don't think so. My husband disciplines but doesn't show anger. He teaches without belittling. He points out their wrongs without judgment but with understanding. He praises them when they do things right. He exudes love when he with our sons. Have faith, Sir.

This post makes me sad for those of us whose dads ignored us.  I grew up with my dad in the house, but I saw him so infrequently I was scared of him as a little kid.  I remember as an adolescent sitting in my room sulking with the door closed and hearing him come home and walk right by my room, every day.  Now I'm a single parent, and my daughter hasn't seen her own dad in 9 or 10 months.

I wish I knew what you, or anyone, could have done for that poor kid at Costco.  I'm not going to take you to task for not intervening because anything you did could well have escalated the situation and led to more danger for the child as well as bystanders.  An abuser like that is likely to take it out physically on the child if someone tries to help. 

I never had a dad, but my husband has been a truly superb one.  Our daughter is 25 now and has her head screwed on pretty straight.  And she's definitely clear that her dad loves her.

I work with kids all the time - mostly 7-8 year olds - and I always tell those I work with, "You never know what type of environment that kid just came from, your interaction with them might be the most positive part of their day." BUT... it goes both ways. There are always 2-sides to a story. What if that child is being held in punishment mode for a bad report card, teasing a sibling, destroying their bicycle, losing their retainer, damaging property inside the store, etc? Your 5-minute observation of their interaction is only a snapshot in time. Yeah, maybe Dad is a jerk all the time... but then again, maybe he is truly 'Dad of the year' and you caught 5-minutes of punishment. If you observe this type of parental behavior day-in and day-out, then it's time to speak up, there is a problem there. But be very careful about casting judgment on a 5-minute point in time, you don't know what circumstances lead up to that point. 

Great article.  It's very sad and I have witnessed this behavior from parents all too often.  You are damned if you do and damned if you don't in response to a lot of people's comments.  If you say something, this man might take it out on the child when he gets home.  How do you know he doesn't have a gun on him and might harm you and your child?  On the flip side, maybe your words will save this child.  I wrote a similar article on the same subject and also believe children are a gift.  Sure, as parents we get frustrated, maybe wish we hadn't said certain things but at the end of the day, I look into my children's eyes and feel this enormous amount of love that can't be measured!  Here is my article if you are interested in reading.  I spoke up because I couldn't watch any longer as a young boy was being abused right in front of my eyes.  Everyone just stared but I spoke up.  I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I didn't.  If someone is afraid to speak up (and that is totally ok and normal), call the police or alert the store…something to save a child.  http://www.mommymasters.com/2013/02/a-gift/

Thank you,

Ellie, The Mommy Master®

www.MommyMasters.com

This is an opinion, please do not bash me:

You sir are a failure. You would rather wait until you left the store and go home and post this story on the internet.... Why didn't you follow the guy and his kid to their car and get their license plate and call the police on suspected abuse of DFS??? Why didn't you yell in the store "This child is being abuse by his father!"  and point at him??? Why didn't you walk up to the child and give him your number and say "if your daddy hits you, please call me, I CARE???

I have saved many spouses and children because I spoke up, I even was at a concert and guy hit his girlfriend and squeez her neck. What did I do you may ask? I turn to him with my Veteran hat on grabbed him by his neck and told the girl to go away. I looked at him and stated "you are drunk, you are stupid, you are an abuser, I have killed before and will gladly do so again." He looked at me with great fear in his eyes, and he ran away. I am not a big guy, hell I'm not even that strong! I am a nerd with glasses... I went against the social "It's not my problem, I'll just ignore it" mentality. Or, in your case go post about it on the internet...

You should grow some balls, call people out on their behaviors, you just might save a destroyed life. That poor child may have had another undeserved beating or could be dead by now... Think about that and do something before you post something after the fact...

Well said..., VERY well said.

What did I think of what you wrote?  After finishing your article, I immediately bought you book. 

I married a man who is a real father in every sense of the word except biology...he taught my son things like "girls are for hugging, not for hitting" and "a real man is never afraid to show his mama that he loves her no matter who is around" and even though our marriage ended, he chose to keep being my sons dad including having him stand next to him when he remarried so my son would know he was still part of the family...my ex and I may not have been the perfect choice for ourselves, but he was the most perfect choice for my son

I am 60, and an adopted child.  My siblings and I were not physically mistreated. We were neglected. Such a fine line. We were all (8) separated. Do not believe in breaking the spirit but do believe in spanking the bottom. I have seen many who need a good swat also.  We have to love and teach that certain behavior is not acceptable in public.  At home they can go wild if it doesn't hurt anyone.  Kids today, often,  are not always taught respect for others and their property.  I do agree that the dad went over board.  Children are not adults.  They can not be adults.  Sometime I get tired of setting still my self.  But I can get up and excuse myself long enough to get a break from it.

..but what did you 'do' about this?

Bad stuff happens when people turn a blind eye, or see it and don't act. It's no good being angry and writing about it, you have to do something.

This is a child protection issue, we all as a society have a duty of care to notice and act on children we suspect are being badly treated. Instead of writing an  article you could have have raised your concerns about the child in question - spoken to management at the store so they could pass on images to the police, gone on record with the police about your concerns, spoken to other authorities, your equivalent of the nspcc we have in the UK.  These organisations will not mind if you tell them your concerns.  

I'm not having a go at you, please don't take it personally, but as a child I was the one the was badly treated and it must have been obvious to so many people (neighbours, school teachers, friend's parents, youth workers, etc) but nobody acted.  This is how abuse thrives.

Hey Dan, I am pleased to read that you were concerned for the little child.  I work as cashier in a major retailer and I agree with you that there are many parents who behave like the parent you describe.  And these days it is extremely difficult to know when to say something or not to say something.  So many parents just dont get it, as you say.  I am a mother of four, three boys and one girl.  Speaking for myself, I can a say that as my children were growing up in the 70's and 80's  and with me working full time and my husband working rotating shifts for over 30 yrs.  Our house was rarely a spic and span, spit shiny house.  90% of the time there were dishes in the sink, clothes to be washed, or folded, newspapers or toys all around, and dust bunnies seemed to be everywhere.  We had 2 of our boys playing sports nearly year round, so we were always on the go. Between practiced for soccer, baseball, scouts,  CCD for religiion classes and games on weekends anywhere within a 100 mile radius,  sometimes it felt too much.  But I am happy to report that each  of my four children remember the love, time spent taking them to practice, games, church and then to grandmas house after.  Parents do not have to give their children everything they want to prove their love.  

I have 9 grandchildren now and when i see them, nearly all of them want grandma to rub their back and will sit there for as long as I can move my arm.  All of my loves, my kids and grandkids know that they are loved more than anything in this world and i dont need to spend money to show them.  I JUST GIVE THEM ALL MY LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. ALL THE TIME.      I can tell you for sure that they have no doubts about their parents love or grandmas love.    It is amazing that dust bunnies dont eat much and if it doesnt stain anything dont sweat it. Our children grow up way too fast as it is,  ALL PARENTS SHOULD INDEED CHERISH THEIR GIFTS FROM GOD, you never know if you will have them tomorrow.  

Oh and right after I posted that I noticed my son was wearing a pink hair elastic on his wrist. When I asked my husband why he was wearing a bracelet he said "um, its an armband of power". So now my son is proudly wearing his pink armband of power :p

My husband is a wonderful dad. Our son is just 7 months old, but he adores his father. My husband is everything you said here. He is kind, gentle compassionate, humble and has a childlike spirit that not only encourages our little one, but joins him in his passionate exploration of his world. I will often find him sitting on the floor building a block tower for our son to knock over for the hundredth time (and laughing with him every time it falls) or hear him telling him how much he loves him and how proud he is of him. It makes me sad to think their are daddies who don't take time or seem to care, but it also makes me proud that my husband is so completely opposite from that. Oh and I should say that my dad was the same too. Perhaps thats why I had such high standard for my partner :)

Wow!! Fantastic article. I see it all the time. Between the lack of sleep and the constantly ill children, parents loose something and you just said perfectly. My hero "dad" is my husband. I am always amazed by his behavior toward our son, who is 2. I was the product of an abusive household and so was he. We were both told we wouldn't amount to anything, I was told constantly I was fat and would never find love and he was constantly berated for being overweight. We both suffered the words of our parents which destroyed our self-esteem and still hurts now that we are in our 30s. But when we were allowed our little miracle, our Samuel, after 6 years looking for him, we knew we had to do things different. We don't have everything figured out and every stage of his life represents new challenges for us, but we love him and want him to have a change to truly be himself without our interfering and imposing our nasty programming. We would have reached the moon if our parents would have "built" us up instead of "tearing us down"... and I do believe my husband in especial, and me can allow our son to reach it if he so wishes. Thanks for the article.

I agree with Joshua Anderson 2 - you should have done something to stop this abuse.  But I would like to know how to do it besides calling 9-1-1.  How does one detain and angry man?  I am a teacher and am mandated to look for abuse and report it.  It breaks my heart each time I have to do it  - but I do it.  However, I wouldn't know what to do if I saw this in a store.  We inform people about things to do to help others like CPR or the Heimlich maneuver but we don't tell people how to report and stop child abuse.  We report crimes but we don't report abuse.  Are we afraid of getting involved?  My BIGGEST question is what happened when that child got back home?   What happened behind closed doors when that angry father was so blatant in public?  How is that child now?  Is he still alive?

My dad was a great dad, he did a lot of things with me. He passed away almost 8 years ago and not a day goes by that I dont miss him.

Something to keep in mind for people who do this sort of thing to children. I am a security officer in a large hospital in the Denver area. If I saw someone pushing fingers into their child's collar bone until they winced in pain, I'd be detaining them for the police department and having them charged with child abuse. Just something to keep in mind when you think nobody will have the balls to step up.

That was my experience growing up. My father didn't touch me or tell me he loved me from the time I was 7 until I was 22 except in anger. I came out ok, but I still have issues trying to emotionally connect to other people. I am also desperate for approval from others. 

Thank you for saying what Ive wanted to say for so long. This breaks my heart and the frequency that I see it happening is even worse. 

People wonder why their children are mean? It's because they are angry and hurt and broken :(

Choose love.

Sarah

Thank you.  So sad!!  I hate witnessing events like these.  I have lost a child and it makes me so sad and angry when I see people who do not cherish their children.  Being a parent isn't easy, and I'm not saying I'm perfect, in fact, your post reminds me that I could benefit from spending more time playing with my kids and less time rushing around or cleaning or cooking, etc.  As far as commenting about a good dad....my husband is amazing.  He and my older daughter contrive complex pretend games and run around the whole house building forts, being animals, flying airplanes...somehow managing to include the baby in their games and make her laugh.  He is fantastic and I am thankful every day that my girls and I have him!  Thanks for writing this.  I hope it makes people think.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure the people guilty of this behavior will read it.  Mostly, it seems they are repeating a pattern of how their parents treated them.  It's a hard thing to break. I hope that little boy finds help somewhere.

Thank you!  I just want to say that my husband is a good, gentle, and loving dad to our children.  I am so grateful!

Great story. Important points. I read this post quickly first, looking for the part where you intervene somehow. Then I read it again, slowly, because I figured I missed it. Darn.

Next time please say something. "Are you okay?" You can be polite. (I hope you weren't planning this post while watching such horror.)

It's tough to intervene. It's tough to say something nice or calm or what-not to someone who appears to be an abuser. But it's possible, and it might have surprisingly positive results.

I think if someone could do this they would.  If they don't it is because they didn't get it themselves.  

My husband is an awesome father.  Not perfect, but almost always loving, patient, playful and adoring of our twin 2 year olds.  He really takes the time, puts in the effort and beams with affection and appreciation of their wisdom and talents.  He works harder at being a father than any other father I know.

Beautifully and wonderfully written! Of course this applies to mothers as well as fathers, married or single!!! Honestly I have never heard of you before, but a friend of mine shared this on her Facebook page and I read it out of curiosity because of the title. I NEEDED to read this!!! I am ashamed to admit that I get rather impatient with my 3 year old for not listening and doing things that I have repeatedly told her not to do. I get angry when the ensuing spills or broken items are littering the floors, furniture, walls and even sometimes the ceiling (don't ask!!!). I have been told time and time again that I am too hard on her...but I struggle with this because I really don't know any other way. This is how I was raised myself, and it's all I know. I spent my youth craving my parents' approval and vying for their attention by getting into trouble. At times I still find myself seeking their approval and I feel horrid when I don't meet their standards. I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO EVER FEEL THIS WAY!!!!! It is not my intention to "break" her and I was not aware that I was.....until now. Sometimes it is very difficult to be calm and collected and to be the voice of reason, but I am sure going to try!!!! Thank you very much for the wake up call!!!!

As much as it hurts me that dads do this but. Also I would like to say that my younger brother is a single dad and i am very proud of him but his ex is very abusive mentally to there 2.5 year old she only comes around when its good for her and she has made it quite clear that she has moved on with her new family . She left her lil boy here with her ex and didnt want to have anything to do with him its been almost 2yrs she has been gone . So anyway sometimes woman can be just as bad if not worse because they are supposed to have this never ending bond with there child not just toss them aside and see them when it is covenant 

Bravo. As a bereaved parent, I have wanted to yell this at the top of my lungs. Cherish your children and help them become everything you hope they can be. Take the time to play and encourage their imaginations. Hugs, lots of hugs are good for you both. 

I was raised by a superhero dad, single father for some of that, most loving dad in the whole world EVER.  Yes, he had faults, but none that mattered to me.  He walked on water; still does.  Sometimes, the answer to the ice cream question was "no", but it was never harsh.

The man I chose to father my children seemed like a good dad at the time.  He loved the kids.  It took me years to realize that how he treated me was abuse to them as well.  My kids real father, the man who is here for them day in and day out, who patiently teaches them and plays silly games with them and does goofy dances for them and loves their mother wholeheartedly did not contribute any DNA to them.  But they'll tell you, I'll tell you, and anyone else who knows us will also tell you that he is their REAL DAD.

Your words here are so true.  I thank you for your honesty and forthrightness.  As for the "courage" to tell that man off, it wouldn't have ended with him thanking you anyway.  It likely would've made the boy's day worse once they left the store.  I think you spared the boy another slight by his father.  You have a good heart.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

You really are such an inspiration, Dan. Thank you! I am a mom of 2 beautiful boys (one of whom loved the color pink until someone told him it's a girl's color) and so guilty of some of the things you mentioned. Yes, this is something both dads and moms are guilty of all over the world... And I find it so powerful that you are speaking your truth to other dads as a dad.... I guess because moms often talk to & with other moms about what they think is or isn't right, but I haven't heard or seen many dads doing the same. There is a comraderie between dads that can only happen between dads, yet it seems too often to remain superficial. Thank you for being anything but superficial!!

Wow. You just gave me a kick in the face with this post. I'm so guilty of this. Sometimes I get so caught up with what I'm doing that I neglect my fantastic four. We consider ourselves good parents but so many of the things you mentioned hit right on the nail and I want to thank you for writing this because it gave me perspective as to what is really important. How the things we see as a big deal are nothing but minute. I'll have my husband read it and I know he will feel the same way.

I'm almost 30 years old and I must say I have an amazing dad. Sure, he is/was not perfect, by any means. He is full of ticks, weird things and blatant mistakes. But he is incredible, and I do love him with all my heart. We used to sit down together and make new clothes for my pink and purple My Little Pony toys. He also taught me how to lift heavy things (such as big boxes an water bottles), check the oil in my car and change a tire. Cause, you know, little girls are not princesses. Little girls are supposed to grow up to become women, and so he did his best to prepare me so I could take care of myself. I do love dads and truly believe that are some amazing ones out there. :)

As a mother of two beautiful daughters, I THANK YOU for this post.  It is VERY powerful and it was difficult to get through it but I did and am so grateful to you for your words. 

As a mom, this is a powerful article.  Too many times I find myself distracted and not giving my beautiful son and daughter the attention that they so desperately need.  But I do know that it gives my son an incredible amount of joy to sit on my lap while we read a book; to go on walks together; to run around outside like wild hooligans; to help mix batter in the kitchen; to know that I have been listening to him talking about cars; to help hold his baby sister.  I know that my son adores his dad who makes a point of having "grand adventures" with just the two of them like making blanket forts and playing at the special pirate ship playground.  I know that there is nothing in the world that calms my seven week old daughter like laying pressed against my bare skin.  This wonderful post is encouragement to keep paying my children the attention they need and to look for more ways in which I can show my children that I love them!