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You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.

Young Child Looking Sad

Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.

I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger. Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.

As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done. The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to “leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.

The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.

I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?

We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. “If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.” The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.

And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.

I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.

Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail. There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.

[sigh] I am far from a perfect dad. And I always will be. But I’m a damn good dad, and my son will always feel bigger than anything life can throw at him. Why? Because I get it. I get the power a dad has in a child’s life, and in a child’s level of self-belief. I get that everything I ever do and ever say to my son will be absorbed, for good or for bad. What I don’t get is how some dads don’t get it…

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13599 comments
TAnn88
TAnn88

My son is almost 4 and he's my best pal. We don't always see eye to eye. I raise him to be respectful, polite, compassionate, strong, and deal with disappointment. When he wants 3 things he is told choose one. I feel I am raising a well rounded little person. There is a time for play and fun, and there's a time for quite. Some days I do have to slap his bottom. If I am ever out of line I hold him tight, kiss him, tell him I was wrong and what for, then say I am sorry. I do not give him my full 100% undivided attention 24/7 365. That's not normal, and that's not healthy for me. I also do not let him believe the world revolves around him. Parents are hurting their children by allowing the to be the soul focus of their world at all times. When they grow up they won't be everyone's soul focus, and they won't be instantly gratified. I also don't teach my son he has to share everything all of the time. If he has something another child wants then that kid can wait his little but and if they don't and try to take it, then my son is aloud to defend what is his...why, because that is life in the real world as an adult. If another parent (and it's happened) tries to tell me I'm wrong cut their kid wants that, then I tell them okay I want fifty bucks. Bet I don't get it...same concept. If another child has something my son wants well then my son needs to wait his little butt too.

On that note this father wouldn't have walked away without me calmly pointing out what he had just done. Did the writer leave that part out? This man stuck his finger on the child collar until the child "winced in pain" as you said. This man inflicted physical pain upon a little boy and you stood there watching and did nothing? Then good points, but I do not applaud you for the article because you didn't protect that child. I'm a woman not a wuss, and sometimes confrontation is needed. That doesn't mean aggression that doesn't mean make a fool of yourself or a scene. That doesn't mean scaring the child more. That means walk your lily behind up to that man and let him know he has done something wrong, maybe question if he needs some help if he is stressed or something. Let him knw you get it kids can be a lot. Before doing so maybe snap a. Secret picture of him, so that depending on his reaction. Of he is just stressed he will not show great aggression toward you, and you could see in his body language if he got the point or just got angry. If you see anger report his butt, and maybe help the kid out by getting dad some help. What if that kids abused. Judging by his demeanor as you described he may be.

GreysonFlax
GreysonFlax

Great article. I would say the people who treat children like this probably aren't reading your articles.

Guest
Guest

Well written article! I'm a mom and I definitely was able to take great points away from this. I type this as I nurse my baby to sleep, while my husband puts our other children to sleep. He's a wonderful dad. We each have our moments and often times I feel like such a hypocrite reminding my children how to act, but is often forget. I feel I'm breaking my 3.5 year olds spirit and it kills me. I am thankful for your article as a wake up and reminder. We only get one chance to enjoy their youth.

jaydee
jaydee

I do not condone this, however just stop for a moment to think maybe, just maybe, the moments before this were hell...did dad jsut loose his job, his wife, the house?  ...was the angelic child a terror in the car.  or does dad suffer crippling depression and was having a 'moment' in public and felt trapped by his debilitating depression and sadly took it out on the child.  It was only a snapshot of teh day and a snapshot of teh family.  Maybe Dad IS a wionderful dad, maybe he struggles to pay for teh help or ask for teh help that is needed. And yes, maybe he is a mean soal crusher taht is hurting teh kid, but maybe he is trying teh very best he can.  

Did you try just smiling at him, as that may be just enough to bring him back from HIS dark corner.

Rachel2014
Rachel2014

I just read your article and I must say it was amazing! I felt every emotion you were explaining and expressing. I am not a dad, I am actually a mom. But this article goes for every parent out there. I always try to lift up my son and inspire him and encourage him, I constantly tell him how much I love him and believe in him. He is 6 years old and he is such a wonderful boy! He believes in himself and knows he can do whatever he puts his mind too. I want too and try too raise my son as you describe in your article. I love reading articles like this one describing all the greatness children have in them. We need to stop and realize this as parents. We will always be busy and always have errands to run, house to clean, work and just busy lives, but we need to slow down and take time for our precious little ones that are growing up so quickly. Thank you for your article, I appreciate it and really enjoyed reading it!

Rachel

sassyV
sassyV

Hi, this is an incredible story. I hope my ex takes the time to read it because I feel that he's breaking our daughter. He doesn't call to say hello or check up on her. He will skip visitation, which is liberal, unless I take control of it happening. He won't even call to say that he can't meet up. He simply does nothing unless I initiate it for my daughter's sake. Yesterday I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't make plans for their visit together. Take a wild guess at what happened.... he never got a hold of me.... he did nothing. I made her day special by giving her every ounce of my attention. We played until the cows came home. She did have a fun day but she also wondered why daddy never called. It broke my heart. I explained to her, very simply since she is only 4, that daddy was ill and couldn't meet up and we'll try again next time. Because of her age, she was ok with that. It's only a matter of time until she realizes what is really going on. So, thank you for being who you are and writing about your experiences and not only opening up single dad's eyes to the issues but also opening up all of our eyes.

Single mum
Single mum

Hi.  I am not a Dad, I am not a man, but I am a single Mum.  Your article is very interesting and I got a lot out of it too.  I realise that he is a precious soul, my son that is, and I do not want him growing up without self confidence like I did.  I find it tough at times and I am by no way perfect and never will be, but I make a promise here, that I will no longer get annoyed at his 1000 questions per day.  And I will always lift him up.  Thank you for your article.

myza1177
myza1177

We all are raised entirely different than the next person. With that said we need to remember that when assuming that a situation like this unfolds before us. To stop assuming  and remember we don't know all the circumstances. Also children don't come with manuals. Perhaps this Father was doing the best he could, with all the circumstances that were before him. My Father was an AWESOME DAD!! He took us camping, we went on road trips on the weekends. My parents were Wonderful Parents. I couldn't ask for better. Yes there were times that I broke a family rule, and yes there was consequences for this. ie: not going to play with friends for a day or 2. Or something that I really enjoyed doing. By them teaching this to me and my brothers, it taught us that there are rules, and need to follow them. Just like we need to abide by the laws of the land. If we break the law than we will be held accountable for them. By paying a fine, etc. How can we assume that because this father was firm with his son out in public, that there is verbal or physical abuse are going on. You all need to  be very careful to be quick to decide that. This is someone's life that you could damage because of you being quick to decide the way he was. We need to STOP ASUMMING that people are bad simply on just one thing, that we don't necessarily  agree with another parents parenting style. We also need to REMEMBER that not everyone came from the same up bringing as you the writer on here and your followers. This Dad was doing the very best he could. The best thing that you as the writer could do is be less judgmental of others. Not assume that they were taught the same as you from your parent(s). Be Grateful that your parents taught you. How do we know his up bringing. Maybe he (the Dad) was a foster child, or adopted, see we don't know the whole situation of this man. Your putting all of your opinions of what he should have done, rather than stop and think about maybe he wasn't taught. You, me we all don't know the way he was taught. Let Us All Be Less Judgmental, and be more Compassionate. Bottom Line We Don't have all the INFORMATION. By the WAY I did get the point of this article and We need to Be More Understanding.

Leah
Leah

 I had mixed feelings about this actually. I fully appreciate the general gist of the article: encouraging parents (dads especially, for some reason, but I'm going to guess that's basically coz you're a dad) not to emotionally crush their children. And that's great. But I think you go a bit over the top in some areas. A dad not playing with his kid every day is not going to destroy her. For a couple of years when I was a kid my dad often would not get home from work til dinner time, or sometimes we would have to start without him, then not too long after dinner we'd be in bed. That phase didn't last forever, but it happened. He would talk to and engage with us when he got home but there was not time for playing, definitely not every day. But he was not rude, or abusive, or dismissive of us. That is what breaks a child. Not being able to play with him every day is not what breaks a child. 


I also think that sometimes anger is necessary. It should be controlled (rather than control you) and be righteous anger (that is, only getting angry about legitimate things, not silly trivial things). I would expect a parent to get angry at their child if he drew on the couch (at an age old enough to know better). This doesn't mean blowing up at him. You say anger is about wanting to control others while failing to control yourself. That sounds more like a temper tantrum to me. And yes, temper tantrums are done in anger, but that is not what anger is. 


I also think children should fear their parents, to a degree. This doesn't mean being scared of them like the little boy you mentioned at the beginning of your article. I mean fear in terms of respect. Kids should know that if they step out of line there will be consequences, just like there is for us as adults. Yes we should want to follow the laws because we know they are good, but I'm sure there have been times for many people when it's only the fear of being busted which has kept them in line! 


You wanted to hear about good dads... well, there's mine. The one who didn't play with his four kids every single day of our lives. The one we had some fear for because we knew there'd be trouble if we misbehaved. The one, though, who took us camping several times a year. The one who would let us skip school a week from the end of term to go on family holidays early. The one who, even though he places importance on maths and science subjects, let me do my arts and history subjects in highschool, and who supported me through a degree I suspect he probably knew I'd never use. 

GrannyNan
GrannyNan

My Dad, he adopted the 4 of us when he married our Mom, when he disciplined any of us, never did it in front of company or our friends. He always took us aside, told us what we'd done or not done, said, etc., then let us know the consequences. Once in a great while a spanking was called for, But he cried right along with us, then talked over the situation, hugged us, told us he loved us and it always ended in hiccupy, teary smiles. I miss him.

RoseLynnJames
RoseLynnJames

I am not a dad but a grandma who has temporary custody of her 4 grandsons, i taught them to have a voice and to use it, sometimes too loud but i luv that they speak out when being bullied or let me know that i am not doing what they want me to, within reason of course, they want ice-cream if i have the money i get it and what ever else they want as long as they ask me nicely and learn the words thank you, i get alot of love you's and ur the best mama in the world, but then i say u r the most spoiled grands in the world, these boys were abused and broken when i got them and now u would not know that they were, i applaud u for speaking out and if that was me seeing what u just said i would have said something or did something, yesterday in Walmart i ran into a man who was trying to be that man and calling his lady down for buying a product he thought was useless, i walked by and oh wow really now i have the same product and i use it all the time, i am sure i saw her stand up straight, a little while later this same man met me in the isle and he had a little girl with him, i commented how beautiful she was, he said u can take her home then u will know how sweet she really is, i told him put him in with my really sweet 3 year old and i would luv to keep her and they can be sweet together, she was only 2 but the hurt in her eyes told me the truth, all she wanted was to be hugged and cuddled, my arms ached to grab her and hug her and tell her u are the sweetest baby in the world and don't let anyone tell her anything different.

brettfish
brettfish

It is quite clearly NOT an easy thing to be a parent - the more helpful posts lie this we get to get parents thinking more deeply about the responsibility and opportunity the better - and sometimes people just need options - i have been collecting some helpful resources on parenting which i store over here: https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/10/05/parents-of-all-shapes-and-sizes


Hope you enjoy

brett fish

WesleySinclair
WesleySinclair

I think I'm a fairly good father, but I know there are moments that I haven't been the best. I grew up with an angry father and an angry step father. I never learned how to be compassionate with my kids.

This is not say I'm not, I am often patient with them, but reading this makes me want to be better and I will be a more compassionate father. The time I do get with my kids I will spend being the best father I can be. These things I promise as all of you as my witnesses!

Thanks for writing this and keep up the good work!

Wes

MelissaAnnNY
MelissaAnnNY

Never judge a parent w/o knowing the whole story. I have been guilty of this in my own mind when I see how a Mom/Dad talks to their child....It has made me sad...BUT I am guilty of it too at times....However, I am never above apologizing to my child once I had time to rethink how I acted....I am not perfect never claim to be....I am a Mom who has raised her SON on my own....My sons biological father is not in the picture physically on the phone occasionally maybe....Long story...So parenting can be stressful....Who knows how this man/father was treated as a child. Not an excuse but a clear fact of abuse in the country and many other places it is a vicious cycle. Parenting does not come with a book.....I would like to know if he saw a video later of his own actions towards his son that day what he would have thought about his own actions. Parenting is HARD....and not always joyful, some days we need to use stronger guidance then other days....My son is 16 now and a well adjusted happy young man....So even with some unacceptable yelling, a smack on the behind on occasion he is OK now.....Thriving, learning to drive, looking at colleges....is kind and compassionate.....young man and I wouldn't trade him for the world.....

Rose
Rose

My husband is amazing with our son!  He is of course not perfect, but he is in there trying every day to be a good dad.  He has stepped up to the plate & is a full-time stay-at-home dad - so he spends the most time with our son.  He has even managed to spread his positive influence by being willing to play with the neighborhood kids (some of whom don't have a positive male influence willing to spend time with them) when they are outside.  He has amazing patience, & is often found explaining things to our son, taking time to show & teach him how to do things.  He has also made a concerted effort to raise our son in our Christian faith.  

jpgray73
jpgray73

Thank you. I needed that. Your time spent typing this was not in vane. I promise.

Misty
Misty

My husband is an amazing Dad, not just to our 8 year old, but to my 5kids I had when we married. He has shown them what their Dad could not. I have never respected a Man more. Everyone is now out of the house, ( except the 8 yr old, we will let him grow a bit more) and they have done things, that a regular Dad would of been more then upset about! They love him and respect him!  As for the Dad you saw, not sure of the situation .... but saying to him, "I am a Dad, and you look like a Dad that is having a rough day".... he might of opened up and you could of talked. 

Sarah
Sarah

You have no idea what the father has been through or what has gone on with his child earlier in the day etc. Sometimes as much as you love your kids, they can be very testing and i have been known to give my son the 'behave of i'm going to loose my shit' look after several tantrums in several placed during the day. Doesn't mean that dad is a bad dad. Maybe he just had a bad day. Who are you to cast judgment on someone elses parenting. How about you and all other parents focus on their own parenting and just mind their own business. I'm sick to death of people crucifying people over how they chose to parent.

I'm sure people would have comments on your parenting too.

SueSue63
SueSue63

Hi to all

I wanted to say that now that my children are all grown up I have witnessed first hand of the affects of their upbringing.

I came from a family that believed in spankings so this in turn is how I raised my children

I feel that only now seeing life from another angle do I realize that there are alternate ways of rearing a child . I myself am  a prime example..of one way it was done wrong.

Only now that I have worked very hard to find myself worth at 50.. Now I see the mistakes I made as a parent. But strive to be a great grandparent

But fortunately my children are so very strong and have self worth because I told them every day that they were loved.And some how even though I know that there were a lot of mistakes made in their upbringing they turned out to be a great contribution to society

I encourage parents to look into ways to uplift their beautiful children for they are future and our very gift from God.

ColleenGilham
ColleenGilham

my son is a great dad. he is a very hands on dad to his children and I am so very proud of him. in fact he is the one that posted this article for others to read.i really enjoyed this ariticle. ty for writing it

Karen
Karen

Pain like this sadly continues into each generation.  In the spirit of compassion, how can we help the family and not look at ways to tear them further apart. Many might say that at a certain age a person should know right from wrong.  How about people who weren't nurtured themselves. For each wrong we see, I would like to see how observers can make a right..

AngryinBrampton
AngryinBrampton

Myself, when I witness something like that I haven't hesitated to intervene and threaten the parent with CAS and police.  I typically record it on my phone too.  Someone has to stand up for these children.  Why not you?

Amelia Presti
Amelia Presti

I feel very sorry for every child that is broken, but it's not only the Dads that break them, I've also witnessed Moms doing the very same thing.  There is no excuse for anyone mistreating a child verbally, mentally or physically.  Children are a special present from God and should always be treated with Love and Respect!!!


GloriaCorder
GloriaCorder

My eyes filled with tears and my heart absolutely broke upon reading your description of the young child at Costco. I have seen far too many children like this. Broken, not only at the hands of Dads, but at the hands of their overstressed Mothers also.


As the mother of a man who is now being a single father to his young son (five years old), I watch how my son interacts to his son and I couldn't be more proud of him. There is never a question that my young grandson may ask, that goes unanswered. My son makes time to play games with my grandson and makes the time to go on outings to explore the world to expand my young grandson's horizons.


I am fortunate to have a son who views his child as a gift, not a burden. That's how my son was raised. I viewed everyone of my four children as a gift and am now seeing those children view their own as gifts. And that's where it has to start, doesn't it? Parents showing and passing down those lessons in life that allow their children to be the best parents that they can be. But unfortunately that is not the case for every child in this world. Children get 'broken' by their parents and then when they have children of their own, they break their own children and the cycle continues......unless one child can overcome or break that cycle.


Just this morning I read in my local news of a seven year old boy's Dad whose trial was set to start. This 'Dad' beat his young beautiful son to death for imagined wrongs and because the child never cried, the need to break the child became overwhelming to this 'Dad'. The father succeeded in breaking his child, to the ultimate point. I cannot imagine the horrors that this young seven year old boy suffered during his short life. And I certainly cannot even begin to fathom how the one person that was to protect this child ended up being the monster who was intent on trying (and succeeding) to break his spirit and ultimately his life.


Like I said, I am one of the lucky ones who have children (both male and female) who look upon their children as gifts that are to be nourished and cherished. But I do not believe that I could have stood in that line at Costco and witnessing that interaction between 'Dad' and son without saying at least something. If not to the father, at least saying something kind to the son. Not that I am blaming you for not saying something, but when we are silent witnesses to acts of bullying (even when it occurs between parent and child), we are sending a very strong message to the child that is enduring that act of bullying. Just something to think about in case you ever find yourself in this situation again.


But you wrote a very powerful piece here and I am hopeful that it will not only be read but shared with parents everywhere. Thank you for writing this piece.

Proud dad
Proud dad

Dear Dan,


What a great article you have posted.  I can honestly say that as i read through your article i noticed that i too have fallen on occasions in the pitfalls of society and the pressure that society has placed on us.  I found myself nodding to many of the examples you mentioned in relation to what society calls disciplining our children.  I can honestly say that prior to reading your article i too noticed that one day after a frustrating rant i stole the happiness from my son, the look of disappointment and hurt could and still can't be washed from my mind and the guilt that comes with this is like a life sentence.  I still live with this to this day, but this served to force me into action, to rethink my behaviours, my actions, my interaction with my son.  Was the the father i wanted to be or did i want to be the father that he had when he was a baby until the age of 5?  The fun loving dad that didn't criticise but encouraged him.  I chose the later, i also invested in the book the 5 love languages of children that opened my eyes evermore and allowed me to obtain a better understanding of my child and his needs.


Dont get me wrong, i have enjoyed every minute with my son and despite being a little too strict at times there are numerous examples that i can remember and share that i have been an excellent dad.  I even had my own father comment that "I'm a far better father with my son than he was with me".  he was referring to the amount of time, dedication, involvement and fun i had with my son compared to what i experienced with him.  I don't blame my father for anything as times were different back then and he grew up in a different society and lost his father at the age of 15.  I could not imagine the horror and pain that this situation could inflict on a child, nevertheless he still grew up to be a really honest and decent man and one that i love dearly.


A few years ago I learnt that my interaction and relationship with my son will ultimately pave the way to how he interacts and behaves with his children and peers. Therefore it was at this time that i decided to be a better person, to not break him, but to build hi up to be the best he can. I admit i still do fall down on occasions, but i have developed a strategy with my son that we implement to this day with great effectiveness.  I have advised him that if i ever go off on a rant and it is uncalled for that he is to come and give me a hug and not ay anything, because as yo have clearly pointed out that the hug or touch of another human being is an incredible thing that no one can describe.  The power that this simple action has to make all feelings become clear is incredible and unexplainable.  The changes in behaviour and ones state of emotion changes 360 degrees when your son hugs you or places his cheek on yours.


My son also purchased me a little clay sculpture of a father kneeling down and placing his arm around his sons waist whilst the son places his arm around the fathers shoulder and their heads are touching for fathers day this year.  It was the best gift (apart from my sons birth) that i have ever received, i place this on my desk and i look at it whilst i do my work. It reminds me just what my son means to me and how much i love him.  


I know that my son will make mistakes, break items, hurt himself etc, etc but these are all part of growing up and living experiences that he needs to go through to learn, that is why i am encouraging him to try new activities, and make errors as he will learn from them.  


Thanks for the read and reflection.

myza1177
myza1177

You need to not assume that because of one situation that occurred, and you happen to witness it, is how all Dads are. For starters there are plenty of Fantastic Dads out there. Just because in your opinion the son asked for the ice cream he didn't get what he wanted, doesn't mean that Dad was a "Bad Dad"  . You don't know all of the information about this Dad and his son. Perhaps something happened and the Dad was still upset by it. Or maybe they were going to dinner and the Dad didn't want having ice cream to spoil the boys appetite.  It's not for you or me to sit here and criticize another's parenting. I appreciate my parents not giving in to everything I asked for, ice cream, a new toy, the latest  movie etc. They were firm with me at times, and if I didn't get what I asked for, I was disappointed. I still was and still a happy person. My parents are as well, they didn't sugar coat things. They were very straight forward with me.  I think that  before going on a tangent of condemning this Dad, and putting your opinion to what you think  needed to happen for this child. To say to yourself, I don't know all the facts and to not just start jumping to all kinds of conclusions. Just because this Dad said No, to ice cream, makes him a bad person? Heck, as parent now, If I just give into everything my kids want me to buy them, they would become over indulged and very spoiled and not appreciate much.  I think that saying No at times is perfectly fine, and it doesn't make you a bad parent. Or in this case a Horrible Dad. Being firm in responses is ok. It doesn't mean that you don't like your child. I'm sure there was a valid reason. Yes its our responsibility to play an active roll in our children's lives, and being their Father "DAD". Its also our responsibility to teach them that just because you see something doesn't mean we always get what we want. We have to work hard for things, to earn them. Life isn't always about getting what you want. Your assuming that because this father said No, that he is a "Horrible Dad" and he doesn't play an active roll in his sons life. Just because the son didn't get ice cream. How can you even begin to accuse this man of being a Bad Dad when your only basing all of this on the Dad saying No? Being firm about it. What you do with your son is your business. That's the great thing about being a parent you get to pick and choose what you want to teach your children and what things you don't.

Its not up to me or you to sit here and say he was a bad dad, and basing it on this situation alone. Perhaps he does all the things that you mentioned in your rant. In the future perhaps step back, and look at the full picture. Before coming to the judgment that this Dad and all Dads that are out there, that parent differently that you do are Bad. Its a tough world we live in, who better than this boys  Father be the one to teach him. Rather than everyone else in the world to teach. Bottom line take a back seat on jumping to conclusions and lumping all Dads and this Dad into the 'Bad Dad" status.

jaydee
jaydee

PS - Please excuse bad typing :-)


AllyW
AllyW

@Leah children should NEVER, NOT EVER, fear their parents.  NEVER.  

We are here to keep them safe, be their protectors and love them unconditionally.  I have raised five children who never feared me and love me back unconditionally.

And my Dad was a merchant seaman who was only home six weeks a year.  And I loved him fiercely, and still do, even though he passed away 25 years ago.  Oh, and I NEVER EVER feared him.  But I always respected him, just as my children respect me.



Meagan
Meagan

@MelissaAnnNY I agree with you Melissa. Perhaps the man in the article here was harsh because his son had done something really bad shortly beforehand, and the dad had enough. I have seen kids do things like ask for icecream when they have just completely acted like a total jerk. Then the dad told the kid to stand in a certain spot, and instead the kid walked over to him and asked him another question. This is disobedient, and how are we to know the whole story? I think the author here is just a little bit too self-congratulatory. I would rather see a parent attempting to instill self-control in their child out in public, than a parent who lets their child run around and bother other people in the process.

Count Meeyinn
Count Meeyinn

@MelissaAnnNY Absolutely, Melissa. This person needs to mind their own business in this sort of circumstance and stop studying other peoples' kids if there is no issue of abuse afoot. I'm sick of people who worship children and hinge on their every grimace and want to run to them with tissues. Kids need limits. They need to learn they can't have everything they want to have ON DEMAND, which this generation is so spoiled by.

firefly
firefly

@Sarah You guys don't know what you're talking about.  People should ABSOLUTELY criticize other people's parenting.  There is a child involved.  I am astounded at the selfishness and arrogance of parents.  It just amazes me that when people have a child, they think it's at all about them, in any way.  It's not.  YOU chose to have that child.  That child is here because of YOU.  She/he is innocent.  Your bad day doesn't matter anymore.  Grow up!!  I grew up with a child-abusing alcoholic mother who hit me, psychologically tormented me, emotionally abused me, and let me know in her actions, looks on her face and words that I meant as little to her as possible... except when she was in a good mood (which was not that often).  My dad... was not even a dad.  I have vague memories of him.  He was often short-tempered due to stress and when he played with us (occasionally, I always had the sense he wasn't really there, just waiting for it to be over, doing his bare minimum duty.  He couldn't have seem less interested in actually connecting with me on an emotional level at all).  I kept wishing he would step in and stop the abuse, but he didn't... no.  We had money and lived in a safe community, but I grew up in a house of horrors because my dad wanted to focus on his image and his career.  Both of my parents are most likely narcissists.  I do believe he regrets every single day he left me with her (the monster who somehow is my biological mother), and I have (sadly) watched him deteriorate emotionally throughout his adulthood, I think because of this regret.  This, of course, is also super selfish, as now I don't have parents in adulthood either.  I have not even had a life.  Despite trying to get better and recover from the horrible abuse I suffered (and the abuses were both big and small... I was beaten on my head once by my mother for running away from her when she had that look on her face that said "I'm gonna beat you," but also there were those thousands of little snaps, mean looks, irritability, rude and insensitive comments, that would have been bad enough on their own).  I don't think it's true that only abuse matters.  I fully support every word of this Dad's article.  What a man.  What a hero!  And I commend him for commenting on another person's parenting.  This proprietary bullshit where GROWN UP HUMAN BEINGS think that they OWN their child and no one has a right to intervene is fucking sick.  I only WISH and PRAY that someone had intervened.  Some people tried... but my mom wasn't having anything of it.  She pushed them away, and they stayed away.  And I broke inside.  Not just a little broken, but really broken.  I actually turned sort of bad.  And mean.  And cruel.  Except something in me stayed that told me, "it's not your fault."  I spent most of my twenties destroying myself, and my childhood doing secretive bad things that no one saw behind everyone's back because I was in so much pain.  Now I have to live with those mistakes every day, and I deeply regret them.  You have no idea what you are doing when you mistreat a child.  It is a HUGE MISTAKE.  I have scraped by in life and managed not to cause too much harm since I've been an adult, thankfully, but I have not had much fun and it's been pretty much close to hell for 35 years that I've been alive.  Who the fuck wants this for their child?  And I was the one who wanted to be a good kid.  I tried to please, tried to connect with both my mom and dad, did my homework, said please and thank you.  I obviously did not do this to myself.  Now my whole life has been affected.  I spend all of my waking hours working on myself so that I don't have to repeat this, but that's no way to spend your 20's and 30's.  It didn't have to be this way.  If only someone had intervened.  It's absolutely sick and disgusting to think parenting is something you own and can't be criticized on!!!

MelissaAnnNY
MelissaAnnNY

@Sarah  I was thinking the same thing...never judge until you know the whole story. It is ok to feel disheartened by what we observe...but we don't know what happened earlier that day....gotta see all sides :)

Monkeypaws
Monkeypaws

@AngryinBrampton  Then you're deluding yourself. Neither the CAS or the police can do anything about it.  It's a parent's right to discipline their child/children in such a manner without repercussion.  I'm not saying it's right, only that the patriotic leotards and cape you portray yourself to be wearing are sort of faded and worn full of holes.  The reason you don't stand up for these children is because it's none of your business and you don't know the entirety of the situation.  I'd never treat my own son in such a manner, but not all children are as fortunate as he.

Monkeypaws
Monkeypaws

@myza1177  Bravo, you make solid points!  It's nice to see a voice of reason in a sea of bleeding hearts.  We don't know the situation, we don't know what transpired before.  I seriously doubt that the father was "finger punching" his son in the collar bone as violently as the author makes it out to seem for dramatic effect.  You're going to receive a lot of criticism here because you're speaking up for what the author makes out as "demon dad" with his supposed violence issues and desire to see the little boy broken spirited or shackled to a cinderblock wall.  I occasionally give my son a stern word or look when he's been out of line.  I don't physically abuse him, but I'll take him by the arm or shoulder firmly when I need to convey the gravity of a point that an energetic little boy might not otherwise pay attention to.  Keep speaking up, most the people responding suffer from tragically broken ideals or cry over Sarah McLachlan commercials.  Don't lose your voice, it's needed.

JasmineDodson
JasmineDodson

@myza1177 I am not real sure you totaly got what this guy was trying to say. Saying no to your kid is not all this dad did. If just saying no to the boy was all that happend Im sure no parent would object. I think it was the continued way this father acted with harshness even when the boy excepted the NO responce to his question. 


ZStone
ZStone

@myza1177 The ice cream wasn't the point - it was the interaction. I agree with DocJWatson on the discipline vs. punishment standpoint. If they were going home to have dinner, the father could have just said that "no ice cream until after dinner" is a lot more proactive than scaring the crap out of the kid. And getting upset for humming? Geez - the kid didn't have anyone else to talk to, obviously, so he was singing to himself. The dad in the story might not be a bad dad, but he wasn't letting the best of himself show through to the kid and wasn't showing the kid how to handle frustration/bad day/whatever in the best way.  Maybe he went home and felt badly about it and apologized. Who knows? But, wouldn't it be better to have attention be brought to things like this so we can, in our own lives, not put ourselves in that predicament to begin with?

DocJWatson
DocJWatson

@myza1177 Did you miss the part where he used his fingers as a painful tool to get the boy to stand back against the wall?  Pressure behind the collarbone is painful, it is not to be used as discipline for something as mild as a child not minding leaning up against the wall.  The author doesn't really have to 'reflect' on the dialogue he heard.  It's one thing to say "You aren't behaving, you're going to be grounded when we get home" vs "I promise you're going to get it when we get home".  The first would've been better, because the child understands the terms of his parents grounding system.  The second is obtuse and honestly meant to instill fear of what is to come when they are out of public sight.  Call me judgemental, but instilling dread of punishment in someone that young is not productive.

Single mum
Single mum

@AllyW  I was terrified of my mother as a child/teen/young adult and no it is not good.  I vowed my children would never be scared of me.


Svetlana Nenaydykh
Svetlana Nenaydykh

You are an angry person who should not be a parent. Someone like you makes the world a worse place to live in.

Esal
Esal

@count meeyinn

Children only know what you teach them. If you are kind to your child they will be kind. Their is nothing wrong with worshipping your child. I see my child as a gift. She is amazing and well behaved for a 1 year old. Yes. She has tantrums and misbehaves here and there. It's never ok to yell at your Child. You are only teaching them to yell and be angry when someone else is upset or doing wrong.

Kids need limits ? Your child wouldn't need a limit if you knew how to respond to your child properly. At 1 my daughter has become a Picky eater. Not because Ive made her that way but because she is learning and exploring her likes and dislikes. I don't yell at her for not wanting her food or punish her. I try again after sometime or I find new ways to feed her what she doesn't like. She has a bad habit of throwing her soppy cup on the floor. I don't ask yell at her for throwing the cup 15 times I simply tell her if she doesn't want it to give it to me. The soppy cup throwing has gone done to about 3-4 times during a feeding. She on her own grabs her cup and puts it on the table. If I yell at her that doesn't solve the problem that only creates another. Setting a limit of not allowing her to eat or giving her, her sippy cup. Will only teach her to cry and nag and get angry for my reaction.

Just think of yourself. Everything takes time practice and patience. Think of yourself when you learned to drive or cook. Or maybe at your job. Just remember how you felt wheat something at work went wrong and a boss reprimand you. Yeah. It might of worked but do you remember how you felt? What if you had a bad week. You were late twice and then forgot to hand in work. If your boss gave you a limit of the 3 strikes and you're done. Can you imagine how crappy that would be for you and how that must feel? Now imagine all of that but to your child. The one person who looks up to you and loves you unconditionally. - remember they didn't ask you to be brought to this work. You wanted or decided to have a child. Kids depend on us for everything. Show them that you can be their world. Don't buy in into "kids need limits" and " punishing your kids is good". I have responded to my daughters every need since she was born and my daughter is truly amazing. She believes in herself she trusts she can do things on her own. She is extremely sweet and loving. And I know that part of that is because she sees and has learned that yelling and screaming isn't ok that's why it isn't used by mommy and daddy

Darkly
Darkly

@Count Meeyinn @MelissaAnnNY This child he was talking about was most likely getting beat at home. Humanity truly is broken as long as there are people like you around. The guy that wrote this article is observant and compassionate, unlike most people... There is a fine line between abuse and disclipline. The man in the store showed emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, and even a tad physical.. At the store alone.. No child should EVER have a reason to cowar away from a look on their parents' face. Do you even have children?? If not, then you have absolutely no place speaking out to this article what-so-ever. Becoming a parent is like tapping into the part of your soul that is beyond the non parent life. Some people don't get that. Some people aren't made to be parents because they can't love their children. The man in the Costco included.

MelissaAnnNY
MelissaAnnNY

but abusive behavior is never ok....and if he brought pain to the child that is unacceptable in all cases....just my thoughts ;) have a great day!!


bunnymunro12
bunnymunro12

@Monkeypaws @myza1177

And yes my dad was a narcissistic nightmare hair-trigger man who had no respect for me as a female child.

So, while the blogger's post may seem a bit "bleeding heart" even to me, people do need to stop & think about how they speak to their children.

I think his story was merely meant as an example.

We all know that children are terribly trying & annoying as it gets at times.

But we must remember that they have limited experience & don't know any better.

We have to remember how "we" would interpret "things said," that to an adult- sound run of the mill...

You sound like a redneck.

Your response will most likely be that you are either proud of it or something that will prove me right.

bunnymunro12
bunnymunro12

@Monkeypaws @myza1177

Hey, watch it.

While that Sarah Mclachlin spot is admittedly saccharine, it will never be enough to stop lazy dirt bags from backyard breeding, buying dogs from pet shops or leaving non snow breeds from freezing cold tempatures who;e tied up in backyards or being tortured by hoarders.

NEVER fuck with the animals you moron.

myza1177
myza1177

@Svetlana Nenaydykh  Actually I am very happy person, and so are my children. Just because I don't given in to every want makes me a angry person. Giving in to everything a child wants creates a spoiled over indulged child. Who will go through life expecting everyone else to just give them what they demand. Perhaps your one of them.

Teaching your child or children responsibility, there is nothing wrong with that

Esal
Esal

Who was that comment for?

Count Meeyinn
Count Meeyinn

@Esal Well esal, that was quite an amazing and very kind reply to leave for someone you disagree with. Just reading what you wrote here, I know you are an amazing, caring parent. I have been working with kids, one on one in a teaching situation for many years... and you can be sure that my first goal is always to keep things positive for the child, always overlook any faults, never judge them, always be good natured, never letting any negativity in. When I used the term worship, I guess I was talking about the kind of people who would question even your loving approach without knowing the success you have dealing with your child, the kind of person who would blame YOU for your child being a picky eater, that such is a sign of you having failed your child and might see your child's habit of throwing her soppy cup on the floor as a reaction to having been beaten! There are people out there who are that obsessed with explaining a child's every action. That is the only reason, in this case, I gave the parent the benefit of the doubt, when normally, I would be first to see things from a child's point of view. Imagine this... true story. Once when I was tutoring a 10 year old girl at her home, her mom excused herself to run out to the store. The mom called to the girl, "Love you!" and the girl answered,"Love you too!" The door closes and the girl declares to me, "Bi*ch!" I'm shocked, and ask, "What?" She replies,"My damned mother!" And she began to complain to me about her mom being strict with her because the mom did not allow her to keep a black that the girl had found. Right? And the cat was let go and the girl had thrown a tantrum to no avail... yet. So as my appointments went, I saw the girl the following week. She greeted me at the door holding a black cat! Haha ok?  But wait! "At first I was happy for the girl and with her mom in the kitchen (and her mom was an awesome, kind lady who loved her daughter) I said, "So you got your mom to let you keep the cat you found! Yay! And she corrected me glowing,"Oh no! This is a different black cat! Cost my mom $300." And she told me under her breath that she had thrown a major fit and she quietly bragged, "It works ever time." I promise you, that is a true story and it is typical of what children share with a person they trust, just like they might tell a school chum. But that kind of thing, that sort of broken relationship between a parent and a child simply is not always the parent's fault, simply because different kids have different personalities and different dispositions and hang with different kinds of kids they learn from, because as you know, another child would never talk about their mom behind her back or brag about "playing" their mom like that. And guess what? When a person in my position tries to inform the parent of a child's poor behavior or habit we may notice, the parent takes the child's side every time, because kids do know how to get the cards to fall in their favor and to make a denial very believable to a parent. With that in mind, when I read of this father putting his foot down in a public place, I could not immediately give him wrong because I have seen kids work every angle to get their way, and unlike you, some parents throw in the towel and just stop trying to figure out the why's... and learn to just put a stop to a child begging them in public by being short with them. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful child, but every child is different. Some simply will not respond to the careful, loving approach you follow. And that girl I mentioned to you is one of them. Thanks again for your kind response. How lucky your daughter is.

myza1177
myza1177

@Esal 

I'm so glad that you teach your kids to be in a bubble, and yelling is not a way of communication. Go hug a few trees, I'm sure that will solve all our problems in this world. You teach your kids the way you do, and I teach my kids the way I do. I'm so glad that you have the parental agenda for all the parents in the world.

MelissaAnnNY
MelissaAnnNY

@Darkly @Count Meeyinn @MelissaAnnNY  @ darkly - Yes I have children and how dare YOU judge me for my opinion. My children are all respectful and wonderful people. If you read my answer I said ABUSE is NEVER OK......but YOU like I do not know the whole story. While I appreciate your own personal opinion I DO NOT appreciate your accusations towards me and count meyinn what so ever. You do not know either of us.....So hush yourself.

bunnymunro12
bunnymunro12

@Monkeypaws @myza1177

I may have posed this to the wrong poster, if so, please forgive.

Hard to tell these days with @this or @that.

I meant to the guy with the sarah Mclachlan comment.

Svetlana Nenaydykh
Svetlana Nenaydykh

Do you only see everything in black and white? Yes you can't get everything in life that you want, but this father could have been much more tender towards his child. Saying no you cannot because of xyz, or even stating that his child cannot always get everything he wants is much better than the mean way his father reacted. This child is most likely abused at home or is treated worse than what it seems. You can teach something to the child before breaking him. So please don't explain to me that children should learn that they can't get everything they want. That is a no brainer. The way this is taught makes all the difference in the world. And that is the point this father was trying to make.

Count Meeyinn
Count Meeyinn

@MelissaAnnNY @Darkly @Count Meeyinn I applaud you again, Melissa AnnNY. I will tell you right now that I do not have my own children. However, as one who has been working with children for 40 years, no one on the planet cares more about the safety and welfare of children than I do, and I have a perfect right to respond to posts that regard issues like this. There is nothing I despise more than a person who hurts a child in any way. Some parents think they have a right to treat their own child any way they wish. And guess what. When I have taken the side of a child whose parent thought it was fine to even embarrass a child in front of me, I have been the one to have parents turn against ME, even questioning MY character for daring to question a parent's right to do whatever they please! So there are some parents out there who need a reality check, because it is that type of parent who make people think twice about reporting abuse. I once saved a child's life when I was in the right place at the right time, and thank God, that my last minute action did save that child! And now here comes Darkly judging me, saying that I do not even have a right to speak up to defend a parent whose actions may have been simply to keep an unruly child from continuing to act out, a child who may have been misbehaving for the previous 30 minutes. We do not know. Oh! But Darkly knows that this man is most likely BEATING his son at home! Children know how to pull their parents' chain when trying to get their way. When in public, a parent does have the right to shut that mess down, even if the poor little child backs away and sulks for not instantly getting his way. I feel sorry for Darkly's next door neighbor, whose kids are always under Darkly's scrutiny, with Darkly always ready to call 911 when he hears one of the neighbor kids cry or scream. And he says WE don't know kids? I have seen kids PLAY their parents for 30 years, trying to get their way, but despite that,  just like you Meslissa, I also stated in my first post, that it was right to interfere if abuse WAS suspected. But apparently, I don't even have the right to comment.