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You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.

Young Child Looking Sad

Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.

I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger. Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.

As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done. The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to “leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.

The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.

I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?

We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. “If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.” The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.

And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.

I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.

Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail. There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.

[sigh] I am far from a perfect dad. And I always will be. But I’m a damn good dad, and my son will always feel bigger than anything life can throw at him. Why? Because I get it. I get the power a dad has in a child’s life, and in a child’s level of self-belief. I get that everything I ever do and ever say to my son will be absorbed, for good or for bad. What I don’t get is how some dads don’t get it…

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

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10846 comments
MyNameHere
MyNameHere

Probably a good thing that you didn't stand up to the ignorant fool that fathered that sweet little boy. From my own personal experience as an abused child, he would've taken out all his anger of your confrontation on his son when they got home! If for some sad reason, you're a witness to such abuse in the future. Try to get his license plate number, etc & make a CPS report.

hjayty
hjayty

It's too bad your parents didn't direct you to have a command of the English language so you might actually be understood. Just as well probably.

E Walker
E Walker

One thing i have seen is that parents think the own there children.  You don't they are not your property. They are your responsibility.  You do not control them, you are responsible for giving them direction.  They will not be just want you want  them to be.  Your child is an individual with there own personality and dreams, and as an individual you should nurture that uniqueness in them. Respect is not submission and love is not fear.  Just like in any relationship your tone matters.  You body expressions matter.  Communication is important.  You cannot expect your child to just read you mind. Be calm and talk to to them.  If you are angry take a moment, a breath before you say a word or react.  Consider how you would react to someone yelling at you like that.  Wold is upset you, make you angry or so made you would hurt the person who did it.  A child's sense of self is not as developed as yours and you are doing that to them, the person who they shoudl trust to protect them.  Just having a child doesn't make you a parent.  Everyone when they have a child should strive to truly earn and live up to the title of parent.  They should not be trying to be the King or Queen of there child, there jailer or there circus trainer.  Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse are all departmental to your child, how would you feel having it done to you when you had no one to turn to to protect you because your assailant is your only protection.

Doctor Ezekol
Doctor Ezekol



i will like to share my testimony to you all.i just got married to my husband about a year ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed,fighting about little things he always comes home late at night,drinking too much and sleeping with other women out side.i have never love any man in my life except him.he is the father of my children and i don't want to loose him because we have worked so hard together to become what we are and have today.few month ago he now decided to live me and the kid,being a single mother can be hard sometimes and so i have nobody to turn to and i was heart broken.i called my mom and explain every thing to her,my mother told me about Dr Jatto how he helped her solve the problem between her and my dad i was surprise about it because they have been without each other for three and a half years and it was like a miracle how they came back to each other.i was directed to Dr Jatto and explain everything to him,so he promise me not to worry that he will cast a spell and make things come back to how we where so much in love again and that it was another female spirit that was controlling my husband.he told me that my problem will be solved within two days if i believe i said OK.So he cast a spell for me and after two days my love came back asking me to forgive him.i Am so happy now. so that why i decided to share my experience with every body that have such problem contact him email. [email protected]
narol denison

1. GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK.
2. WINNING LOTTERIES.
3. CHILD BEARING.
4. BREAKING OF GENERATION COURSE.
5. GETTING OF JOB.
6. JOB PROMOTION.
7. MONEY SPELL.
8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.
9. HERBAL CARE.
10. BEAUTY SPELL.

luvfernanda_14
luvfernanda_14

so true!! I think some dads and even moms don't look at their children like blessings but as burdens. every single child is a gift from god and depending on how you treat them is how they will be as adults. Love your kids as much as you can every day because we never know if we will get a tomorrow.

ChristainBenedict
ChristainBenedict

i am Mrs cherry Johnson from CANADA,i want to testify of the good work of DR FRANK in my life,i lost my husband to a prostitute who vow to take him away from me by all means.
i was confused never to know what to do until this faithful day a friend of mine called me that there is a man who can solve my problem immediately,i contacted him and he told me that my husband will come begging on his knees believe it or not on that same day he promise me my husband came to the house after 6months begging me to accept him back,so whatever your situation may look like just email the below address:
[email protected]



ChristainBenedict
ChristainBenedict

Am Mrs Benita obaba from USA,i want to testify of the good work of DR FRANK.
i was humiliated by my ex husband and also treated like a commoner because he got in contact with with a harlot who turned him against me totally.
i need vengeance by all means so i got in contact with DR FRANK who help fight against the harlot and the two of them had a serious marital breakdown and confusion was now their breakfast and all and everything went down the drain and he is begging me now like seriously,as am saying this right now my husband is even more 100% in love with me again but i don't want to give him any chance again because i don't want to get hurt.
so whatever your situation look like just email the below address now.
[email protected]

mom2speak
mom2speak

Think not only dads need to hear this but moms, too.  As a newly single mom, I might forget to be all my kids need and focus on them when I am with them.  Working on it because it matters.

LeslieBestman
LeslieBestman

I just wanted to post another thought in response to some of the comments. As one who experienced what was talked about and volumes more, I must agree that the author surely had a great internal debate about speaking up - as mom6212 said, most often that type of public threat was not made idly and a confrontation or even kind correction would almost assuredly resulted in further abuse for the boy BUT my experience as a child and adult spectator would again encourage folks to speak kind words, compliments, or whatever appropriate that would offer some counter to what is being said or done. Sometimes even commenting to a parent on what a lovely and polite child or intelligent or creative, all depending on the situation... can diffuse the parent and turn them to a somewhat more positive feeling at the moment and if the situation allows for actually seeing something the child did or revealed in personality or character, a comment can be made in line or in passing regarding that shone in a positive light. Or comments that they seem like they are very smart and observant and bet they have an amazing future in store for them... these are all things that a person can easily find to restructure into well received comments that do not antagonize the adult and offer something positive to the child.  There are all levels of abuse and many parents do not run the full gamit and truly don't realize the damage they are doing but can be given a spirit check when someone else notices something good about their child and/or compliments them on some other aspect of their child. Some people CAN be made to think with a well timed comment or observation that is not critical. Even adults feel good when they think someone has seen something good in them or what they have or have not done and will even subconciously want to repeat or increase that behavior. I wouldn't be too hard on the author about the book selling aspect. If you are concerned enough to write a book on a subject and open a blog on it, you obviously are trying to get that message out, selling the book it part of that. Why turn this whole article and posts into a thing for condemnation, isn't that the very heart attitude we are discussing...?

LeslieBestman
LeslieBestman

Dear Single Dad Laughing - Thanks for your heart to make a difference however you can...I understand your frustration and pain. I too see it everyday in public and it breaks my heart. I have included a suggestion in my post below that I put on my fb page. My prayer is that God leads to the site, the people who will listen or be convicted for a later date, and encourages those who can make a difference in small ways to do so. I know firsthand that those little inputs from outsiders do matter and help, they give hope.


Worth the read, heated, heartbreaking but he's right maybe it'll give someone a wake up call. He did a series of four posts on this topic. He's just an everyday daddy trying to do his best and knowing first hand how so many are destroying their kids and their future, our future...He's trying to be a voice in the darkness. So many posts have shared parenting tips and encouragement for parents, maybe sometimes what some need is to hear the truth of what they are really doing to their kids, the cold hard truth, it may hurt but it is nothing compared to what many do or have done to their kids -

AND IT IS NEVER TO LATE TO START, even if your children are way grown - sometimes saying I'm sorry, I was wrong - it was me not you - you were amazing when you were little and you still are - I just couldn't get past my own baggage to say it or show you...even grown, this can give your children a fresh place to start, a new thought to consider. If your kids aren't grown, you can turn it all around ... kids have an uncanny ability and desire to forgive their parents anything when they are presented with their parents true feelings of love and request for forgiveness, when they see their parents humble themselves after so much angry pride... I,just like this guy, and I'm sure you too, see this happen everyday, many times, children terrified of their parents in public, cowering, being called names, treated hatefully, jerked around roughly, what do they live through at home..., often we even suspect that more is going on behind the scenes, but no way to interject into the situation of their lives without something more concrete...Pray for our children, for those so mistreated by the very ones they so want love from, speak love and encouragement anytime you get a chance outside the parents earshot. An old couple did this for me once when I was a child and it is remembered and treasured 45 yrs. later. Every kindness we do helps fortify these children from the barrage of abuse they suffer at home, it helps to interject the possibility in their mind that maybe, just maybe, their parents aren't right but just have their own problems they can't deal with and are taking it out on them. Sometimes this little ray of hope makes the difference between a child "quitting" and holding on for a future change...
Consider reposting this - just in case - God knows who needs to read it...and He is able..."

Darlene Morrison
Darlene Morrison

You make me think of the message in the movie Courageous

Great message and so is yours


mom6212
mom6212

Honestly I hear what you're all saying about saying something. But that would just come back on the child later. A man like that has his ego between himself and his son. Poking the bear does no one any favours. And no social worker or police officer will, or can, intervene in that type of bullying. Which is exactly what it is. Don't shoot the messenger for speaking out about a concern - we all do it every day and none of us are expected to be the solution.

Avopeacock
Avopeacock

Your article makes you look quite insightful but you did nothing. You just watched, didn't tell him to knock it off, call the police, security, didn't get a license plate number for CPS. You wrote an article promoting yourself. You didn't help a little boy, you make me sick. You are park of the problem.

stephyoung
stephyoung

I work at a supermarket (I'm from Australia, and I'm 19) and I see situations like that every day. I'm not actually allowed to say anything as an employee but I do give out my fair share of filthy looks to put my point across. It is so much harder to stand up to someone in this situation. I have only done it once or twice before and I challenge everyone on this thread to truthfully say they've done it. The real issue is we all know nobody should be doing it in the first place. Thats one of the hardest parts.

virginiallorca
virginiallorca

The loud verbal ads for bedwetting when I open this site are  very annoying.  I cannot see how to close it. 

virginiallorca
virginiallorca

@JenniferMarie  i agree it certainly is.  I don't know if the local child services would take a report on that and open a case.  I don't think the police would.  

A mother
A mother

Great writer, but I wish you had spoken to that father right then, you, at that moment passed on the greates opportunity to make an impact and help that father to see what he was doing to his young child. I don't accept that writing this was your penance for that error in judgement. You wrote this to sell your other book.

Sam
Sam

This happens far too often. I've seen it myself, as I'm sure so many others have as well. There's usually a reason behind it all and sometimes I believe parents model their own parents' behavior, which can be good or bad depending on their own childhood experiences. However, that doesn't make actions such as these excusable in any way. The bad experiences can lead to a continuous cycle of negativity until someone, somewhere becomes a positive influence to children like this one and, eventually, that positive influence will help to break this unfortunate pattern. Sometimes that person can even be a stranger. It really can take a village to raise a child.

JenniferMarie2
JenniferMarie2

Wow, this was a great post.  And I could change "fathers" to "mothers" in every sentence, and try to live by this myself.  Dads aren't the only ones who get grouchy with their kids sometimes.  I am going to remember your words!


I am fortunate to have a Dad who is one of the most patient Dads, and Grandpas, on Earth.  He loves children, and sees the beauty in every child.  I have so many wonderful memories of spending time together growing up.  Lots of time in nature and exploration.   We have a really special bond, as he does with my brother as well.  And now my kids.  He has been incredibly generous and supportive to us as well.  My Mom died fairly young so he's the only parent I have now.  I consider myself lucky.  A lot of my friends, and my ex, were not so lucky when it came to their Dads. 

Harleigh
Harleigh

I really loved this. A lot. Thank-you for sharing. I am a single mother and I have taken a lot away from this :)

KylieCollins
KylieCollins

This is most likely jjust the tip of the iceberg there is, I am sure, child abuse in the home and possible spousal abuse as well.

kovacslives
kovacslives

I don't understand how someone could witness this and do nothing.  The easiest way to do it without punching the guy in the face is to say "Is there some way I could help?" and when he says "huh? what?" you say "apparently you're having some difficulty with your son.  Is there anything I can do to make you less angry to him?" Then if he got mean with me, I'd pull out my phone, call 911 and report that I just witnessed child abuse.  While in front of him.  And I'd ask the store to bring security.


And I'm a woman.  Coward?  Yeah, you were.


Men will not change their behaviors until they are challenged.  To watch something like this go down and do nothing is like telling the man it was okay.  And that bothers me and that's a sad statement of our world.

ElisabethMunsell
ElisabethMunsell

I'm not a dad on the normal sense of the word I am mommy who was forced to be daddy too and I been doing it all three years of my sons life...there was a brief time when he had a adopted a daddy but that person turned out to be abusive and had to leave our life :( I will say that I am proud to be daddy and try my best to be kind and gentle even when I'm freaking out. I have a tough little boy that is a little genius with a ton of energy you can imagine how that can go. This has definitely opened my eyes and I will be sure to reprimand some shitty parents in the future when I see that kind of aweful behavior. My son calls me a superhero but mostly when he puts a random cape on me but I would like him to see me as the savior of all children even himself.

CourtneyMcLaury
CourtneyMcLaury

My dad was not perfect and he flat out lost his temper here and there-until he quit drinking.  I have chosen to forgive him as he stuck around when the going got tough in my family.  And it *did* get tough.  He also chose to work and provide for us kids.


How can I be mad at my father?  I thank God I know him and I am blessed to have him...so many never even know their father...

ciaxel
ciaxel

Coming from a teenager whose father ruined his entire life by neglecting his family through a bicycling and alcohol addiction, this gives me hope and faith in society.

I don't even have to think any further past what I just read to understand you must be an incredible, beneficial father. It makes a huge difference.

signdover2
signdover2

I just got off a long-distance phone conversation with my dad. I haven't talked to him in three weeks.  He never calls me.  After about ten minutes, he passed me off to his girlfriend whom I've only talked to three times.  After a short chat with her where we were trying make small talk, she said that it was nice talking to me and that my dad had no news, so he'd talk to me later.  Ironically, I hung up the phone and opened my pc, and your article was on the screen.  You're right.  Some men really shouldn't have children.


mist
mist

@hjayty  who are you replying to?   Unlike some of us, the OP probably only speaks one or two languages and seems to have good command of English.
  Not that grammar is indication of much in life.

mist
mist

@E Walker  Lets just think about that for a moment.  How would I feel ?  How did *I* feel?

I felt bad and didn't re-do whatever created the situation.  Unlike many children who get the type of treatment above. and repeat the offense, several times until they get a desperate result.

But not only did I feel bad, I felt bad for my parents who were had even less supported than me.  Their families where treating them like criminals, society had been treating them pariah and yet more than happy to demand what little money they had for taxes, schooling, inflation.     Neighbour children got treats, got clothes without holes in them (but they did have to wear shoes so I guess that balanced out).  They had colour TV, when going to public events they got to go on rides that cost money, and see movies or get toys and comics with the covers still on them.   Other peoples' kids could listen to music and radios, or even got to go to music lessons.  My parents had 6 records, and I wasn't allowed near them...so imagine what went down when I broke one.  Fortunately the player was broken and we couldn't afford to fix it, but I'm sure the replacement came out of my college fund 10yrs later...

 So what should I do when my neighbours child runs done the road whle stopping for a pee during a long road trip, leaving them and their other neighbour to search for 4 hours until darkness.  The child ran to a road intersection, flagged down a vehicle and told the driver they had been abandoned.  The child then told the cops he'd run away from home because his mother was going to shoot him with her rifle.   They took him to one of her employers, and the kid told a different story there.  The government support just keep changing social workers, the dad just ignores the child (lives in caravan parked outside her rental property - thus she gets no financial support from government), two schools refuse to have the kid in class due to public masturbation and rubbing on other children.    So you think it's all her fault?   What support do the parents get for difficult children who aren't "a gift"
  

mist
mist

@luvfernanda_14  Sure...as long as YOU all look after you OWN "gifts from god" without expecting assistance and handouts/taxes from me.
  You don't know how to care for it, don't by it.

mist
mist

@LeslieBestman  It might be what you're discussing.  It wasn't what I was discussing.
I was discussing how such attitudes as expressed are (a) a common cope out and (b) the importance of asking questions rather than condeming.

mist
mist

@Avopeacock  Well said.   Although I think we are all part of the problem.  Condemming people isn't going to help, yelling at them name calling (as many others have done) doesn't help.  Stepping up will help a little...if only to encourage bystanders to learn it's now cultural ok to Step Up in public.

IS there a real future in supportive culture?

hjayty
hjayty

@virginiallorca  Why don't you do like most women and blame some man for those ads and then accuse him of being an abuser and a bully? Seems to do the trick in the US.

mist
mist

@KylieCollins  Yes, often is spousal abuse, which makes the fathers so irritable as they're under constant psychological, mental and emotional barrage with little outlet or support.  Sad that their 
"partners" just aren't willing to see and help them when the signs of cracking are so obvious.

rsed79
rsed79

You might escalate the situation and that parent could go home to further abuse the child. The kid will be blamed even further. The cops are not going to do anything in that situation other than come to the scene and talk to the guy. It is a tough call no matter what decision to make. But I do know that the child will be blamed for further humiliation of that parent when they arrive home behind closed doors.

alclegal
alclegal

@mist @Avopeacock  There is no quick solution to this folks...you can't just step in.  I've tried, to comfort a seemingly lost and frightened little girl, crying her heart out on a bench outside of a children's store.  when i walked into the store, to call for help (911), her father was standing there, watching her, and told me not to intervene, that he was punishing her.  Yeah, by leaving her looking abandoned on the sidewalk.  Now with gun laws running amok, approaching "parents" to correct their behavior/punishment choices is literally taking putting your life on the line. 

Jazzdanca59
Jazzdanca59

@mist @KylieCollins  I've seen this abuse from a neighbour who was constantly angry and abusive (verbally) to his wife and children.  She stays with him and has tried to help him constantly, (she is now studying psych).  Madness, he is addicted to the weed, and just refuses to see what he is doing to the children.  I've begged her to leave him, but she can't as everything is in his name and is also  scared of the consequences and most possible escalation of the violence which has happened previously to her extended family.  He had an incredibly violent childhood, and his Father has been in gaol for sexual abuse of the daughter.  I am so glad I moved out as it was causing me ill health I was so stressed about it.  My childhood was full of abuse also in all forms, so I know what the future held for the children.  Very sad. 

mist
mist

@rsed79  yep which is why positive caring and help are the only things that are worth giving.
"you all right mate?"  

mist
mist

@frufrugal @mist @luvfernanda_14  Oh I'm absolutely terrible.   I know it's a chance to get visitors to pay-per-view ads on a blogsite... but I'm still willing to use to grandstand my opinions anyway.

Show support for both parties. Call for help if injuries are going to happen.  Whatever you do don't lift the stress level on either of them by singling them out.

And for Gods sake learn to support your _own_ groin spawn without stealing the output of my life.

mist
mist

@Jazzdanca59 @mist @KylieCollins  ok...so she -was- in an abusive domineered relationship for 10 (ten!) years. Where she got training/contacts/freedom to get into Lifesstyle coordinator ( a position which apparently gives her time and resources, to be lively, friendly, fund herself as a student for psych, finds time to study, and supportive of family)....

Plasterer...most guys I know of who are plasterers (8 inc apprentices) really don't like the job.  It's messy, depressing, poorly paid, finicky, and little pride in the job (once it's done the next tradesperson comes in and you move to next job. except for complaints).  It's not really a line of work, these days, which one would call mentally or spiritually satisfying...

Do I have to keep fulling in this picture?? Surely it must be obvious?yes?

And yes, she's going to hit middle life crisis, wonder why she is with him, and has Nice job, Friends, degree, money of her own and strike out on renewing herself.  (he, of course, will be the abusive ex loser who's fault is everything on earth, if she ever bothers to hear his name again....)

Jazzdanca59
Jazzdanca59

@mist @Jazzdanca59 @KylieCollins  No, they

ve been married for over 15 yrs.  She's only just in the last 5 yrs gone back to study and work to empower herself.  He's addicted to dope and exhibits frightful behaviour.  (has had her and the children bailed up in the bedroom with a knife).  She's just too frightened to leave, and is trying to find better ways of handling the situation. 

mist
mist

@Jazzdanca59 @mist @KylieCollins  You think she might have married herself a "project".  And her husband might be having self-image and issues around dominance roles much??  Especially if he comes from a family with physical force in it's history.

Jazzdanca59
Jazzdanca59

@mist @Jazzdanca59 @KylieCollins  She works full time as a Lifesstyle co-ordinator at a nursing home.  She's incredibly gifted with energy and brains.  But her parenting concerns leave me baffled. Yep, I agree.  You're hopeless crazies comment is true of a few people I know studying psych. 

mist
mist

@Jazzdanca59 @mist @KylieCollins  I said _help_ not enable, nor dump a pile of pile of extra expectations on him.

And yes, her self abuse is also a massive social problem to.  One which I think society as a whole is dealing with extremely poorly.  Although from studies on other mammals with respect to behaviour that goes with overcrowding and resource issues it's hardly a surprise.

I'm curious though...if everything is so bad, where does she get the time and funds to study psychology  (fees, books, time off, travel, accommodation)

(and why is it always the hopeless crazies that study psych, they're hardly in a good position to judge the material they're sold in their courses!)