Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.
I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger. Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.
As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done. The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to “leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.
The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.
I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?
We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. “If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.” The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.
And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.
I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.
Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail. There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.
[sigh] I am far from a perfect dad. And I always will be. But I’m a damn good dad, and my son will always feel bigger than anything life can throw at him. Why? Because I get it. I get the power a dad has in a child’s life, and in a child’s level of self-belief. I get that everything I ever do and ever say to my son will be absorbed, for good or for bad. What I don’t get is how some dads don’t get it…
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I've only been a father for a little over a year now, but I agree with you entirely. I strive to do the many things you wrote about in your post and although it may not be the easiest when you're exhausted from work or wrapped up in your own issues, your child's happiness and well being should be the most important. I know every day I get home, my little girl always yanks a smile out of my face within the first minute of me being home. I think every dad, super dad or not, should have that reaction and do the things you mentioned above because there is no excuse to not feel that joy and see their child living life to their full potential. Like you said, I am not perfect either, but your post moved me to my core. I hope I am not the only parent who has had this reaction to your post. And although I try to make the most out of the few fleeting hours I have with my daughter each night, you have inspired me to be and even better father and never stop improving upon myself. Thank you.
I’ll admit it. I am far from an angel, I am not good at anything, worthless, and doomed to fail. But why should I keep trying. Because to not try would be to waste a life, a life someone else would have treasured and a life that had a small chance of accomplishing something. In my heart, I know I am greedy, narcissistic, cynistic, nasty, hiding under a mask, overtly depressed and cope with it using games or other distractions. My father, never gave me a kind word, it was always “oh someone else did better” or “sigh* You don’t know anything” or “Do whatever you want it is your life” my entire life has been only one task, to make someone feel proud of me that I cared about, My mother would try to make me feel better by simply insulting the person who was hurting me, but did that help? No, cause I do not feel joy in the suffering of others, I can never hold grudges cause I know people are human, I cannot understand why people find so much joy in insulting others. I know that I am a huge hypocrite as I do insult others at school to hide my own insecurities and fake confidence. I am worthless as a human, I try to learn something, I never do so thoroughly, I try to achieve something, it ends in my weeping, I try , I try , I try. Yet, never do I succeed. It seems that I am hopeless, unloved, and uncared for. What am I? A tool for other people to use me, not someone who has emotions nor any “real” agony and pain. I understand I am not the most suffering person out there, there are people who lost loved ones, die too young, and overall suffer in inhumane ways. But I sometimes feel like I am in a trap. What can I do? I can choose to be unhappy and fail trying to achieve anything, or slightly less unhappy and not try to do anything, but feel the guilt of failing myself and everyone I know. And the most unfortunate part is that most of my ambition is not even driven by my parents, It is fueled by me. I'm not looking for anyone to say that I am "good", "smart" or anything. I want to know how I can deal with my own inner struggles
Please help.Anonymous someone who is confused, angry, and hurt.
I am dating a wonderful father. He's not perfect, but he gives his time, attention, love & priority to his kids first. I wouldn't dream of begrudging him that because that is the very thing I wish for my own children. Their dad has essentially abandoned them & I know they ache for those things. I hope that we stay together & they get to meet him & have him in their lives so that they will get to experience through him what they have been robbed of by their own father. There are good dads out there & I'm proud of my boyfriend for being one of them.
Just to be the Devil's Advocate, that kid could have been just horrible all day up until that point. I have had days where, after my kids have been just unbelievable, I can feel myself being just incredibly hateful because I'm seriously at my wits end. That doesn't make it right, but also not every single days is like that, either. Most of the time I'd say I'm a decent parent...and then there are those days where they've done everything short of fling feces at each other, or burn the house down...I'm just saying, don't judge an entire father son relationship from the one day you got to look behind the curtain...lol. We all eff up from time to time.
I grew up without a dad, so my mom had the burden of breaking me. Now in my late 30s I am still trying to put myself back together. She was very thorough...
Don't be sexist. Women break young boys just as often than dads do.
As I read this, all I kept saying aloud in my head (moms too) and replacing Dad with (or) Mom. Women are just as guilty! And where the ones who are suppose to be sensitive, care more and have "motherly instincts" yet some are so cold hearted :( makes you wonder.
edit* me and my daughter are so close, even after me having another little girl 1 month ago. im a single mom so my 'me time' coincides with the time she wants to play the most, the time where i just need peace and quiet. nonetheless, im learning everyday to be more involved with her, all while caring alone, for a new born, myself, and her. im not the horrible mother my mind, and this post probably makes me seem.. i guess one of my points was the mental illness plays a huge role in how we raise our kids. poor mental health is NOT an excuse for not TRYING harder and WANTING to change, even tho it can be or seem near impossible. assholes like the 'father' mentioned in this post are people i have NO sympathy for since getting help could be as easy as dialing a phone number and reaching out to friends, family or a therapist anyways.. im done now.
i was that kid who sat alone and had no friends. i was broken. and still am.
im guilty of ignoring my kid, emotionally hurting my kid, worrying about bills and my own personal problems than playing with her. i ignore her pleas for emotional and physical touch and love. i fuck up, alot. but its because im still broken. not because im not aware of this.
i googled 'how can i repair my child after emotional abuse' because all i can think about after my sweet girl goes to sleep is how i fucked up so badly. and whats wrong with me, and is she broken for life , and am i? mental health is a huge deal and problem in this world, especially this country (america). guilt has helped me grow so, so much. but i still hurt in side. i hope to recover, and heal and do the same for her and never ever let her become the broken child with no friends, who sits alone.. thank you for this post.
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This thought often enters my mind and I fear that I will raise my child the same way I was, it bothered me a lot less, until my mother told me why she treats me the way she does. She has sat down with me and answered a lot of questions I had in regards of how she treated/treats me because I would not be broken if she didn't break me. So I had to assume it was because she was a broken child too.
In regards to not giving me attention, affection, or allowing me to act like a "child" and not "allowing" me because I, now 30 years old, shouldn't act like that!
She told me it was because I acted and reminded her of herself as a child. I was needy. And so was she. The best way to explain it maybe, would be in 3rd person. If my parents were never there for me, what makes you so special that you expect your parents to be there for you!?
She said the reason why she did not hug me, compliment me, engage/interact with me or even comforted me or showed love, was because her parents withheld this from her and her giving me what she didn't receive, would prove that I was better than her! More deserving and worthy! More loveable! The nerve to ask these things from her put her in such a state of....hurt? She was clearly upset, stated basically, who did I think I was!? Like I was so ungrateful! "You think you can act that way!? You think you deserve to be held and accepted?! If I acted that way, I'll tell you right now! Grandma would have none of it! My mom didn't act like that towards me, what makes you so deserving? So much better than me! If I didn't get it, you're sure as hell not going to either!"
So because she suffered, I must suffer with her.
I told her, No Mom, because you are able to give those things to your child that your parents couldn't give to you, doesn't make me better and worthy! It means that you're better than her! A better parent than your parents will ever be because you were able to be there for your child and fulfill their needs, when your parents never would, never could and never cared! Plus, your way better than me Mom because I'm not yet a Mother, and when I am, I will strive to remember that not being there for my child, doesn't mean they're less deserving, I will remember that I want them to be better than my Mother! And I shouldn't be jealous that they are receiving all the love and attention I needed and didn't get. Because they are also fulfilling my needs, by loving them and spoiling them, they in turn, are loving me back. Giving me hugs and affection that I craved and yearned for for years! My mother should be happy when she receives love from me, but doesn't know how to return it! She says, she is unable to show me all these needs I have because no one ever showed her. I was appaled!? And so confused!? If you didn't teach me, then how could I know, and you didn't!?
And this is where reality sets in and the truth hurts. That they know, and you know they know, but they don't truly care enough (about you) you start to believe. The thought that you weren't good enough to have your parents treat you better than they were. Then this breaks you all over again, only now, you're an adult broken. But maybe if we had just a hint of self-esteem left within us, we'd know that it wasn't because they felt we weren't good enough or not worthy, but that they, themselves, weren't good enough as parents.
At the age of 12, my mother had me write a list of how I "needed" her to be. Not once, but twice. A couple examples included, "when I get home from school, ask me how my day was. Even if you don't care, please pretend that you do."
"When you see me studying and doing homework, even if you don't understand, please ask me what I am working on. Pretend that you understand, and say good work/keep it up (something of that nature) before leaving".
She was unable to meet the demands on my list. Her rationalization, "I guess because no one asked me how my day was, why should I ask you!? Or again, "I wasn't taught!" In which I yelled back, at 12 yrs old, "I was never taught either but I sure as hell know how you should be! Why is it that you don't!? And I do!?!?
And you know what!? When I have children, you can guarantee that I will remember everything I needed as a child and everything I needed from my parents!
I should just be happy knowing that I am changing history, and my children will make the best damn parents and will know how to fulfil their child's every need, because I'm telling you right now, knowing what your "needs" and "wants" are and not getting them fulfilled, sure makes you an expert in knowing "how" and "what" children need and how to fulfil those needs because every time one of my needs wasn't met, I sat there, tears running down my face, wishing my mother would "do this" or " say that". See, I knew how I needed and wanted her to be, and because of that, I can only thank her. I can no longer be mad. Because in the end, I ended up learning, and she, in the end, was the one who, ironically, "taught" me. She taught me in her own way. So I can either hold onto the resentment and pain and refrain from meeting my children's needs. Or I can embrace my mother for the mother she is, and fulfill all the wants and needs my children will have and know that my mother did the best she could. Some may call it "tough love", but no matter how you look at it, "love is love."
Loving them doesn't mean they're more worthy than I, loving them the way I wasn't means that they don't have to be "broken".
It taught me how I didn't want to be as a parent. I only hope this is the parent I will become. Because I also see myself hating my children and hurting them :( mostly because I am worried, like my mother saw in me, that I will see myself in them. What if they act like me and remind myself of all the things I hate about myself, that I now have to accept and love in my children!?
My mother couldn't do it. But that's because my mother never learned to like herself, never mind, love herself. How could she know to fix herself, if she didn't even know she was "broken"?
I think you're right. Mental health plays a huge factor! If I am going to conceive and make a replica of myself, I need to be healed. I need to love and embrace all my traits and qualities that my child will inherit. I am apart of them and they are apart of me. If I am going to love my child, then I need to learn to love myself first. And that is nothing to be ashamed of!
ChildWithin, I was touched by your story. You have done a lot of soul searching and inward focusing on your childhood, which I know must have been painful. I commend you for not giving up and standing firm for what you, and your future kids, deserve. I think you will be an awesome parent one day! I am glad to hear you are going to work on healing yourself. Therapy and parenting classes will really help, I am sure. I firmly believe anyone can benefit from these helpful interventions. I have. Your Mom's excuses are lame, in my books. People can learn, grow and change - they just have to want to! Prove your Mom wrong with your actions. Best of luck for the future!
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Then when the kid grows up he might kill his dad, then the media will be all over it saying: his parents should've taught him better; + a millions other comments, all the while not knowing the story. I seriously hate the father's actions and the kid would've got it worse because the father would've blamed the kid. I don't know what to say and what is the answer?
What a wonderful post! Thank you for your heated, flabbergasted rant, it spoke to my heart (okay sharply stabbed it) and reminded me again, as I exhaustively fall into bed, how truly lucky I am to get to buy my three babies ice cream tomorrow😊
I totally agree with your message here, and I appreciate that you acknowledged at the end that maybe you could have or should have done or said something while in line at the store. It is a difficult proposition to see a wrong and intervene. I have an 8 month old daughter and strive to be a great dad. I struggle at times to put down my phone or stop watching TV to play with her. I do light up when I get home and see her for the first time of the day and I love our story time together and the times when I get to put her down at night. I will never be perfect, but I strive to be a good/great dad who she can look up to and hopefully will look to as one of her heros. Thanks for caring enough to write your thoughts and feelings on the subject.
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This is a wonderful post about how dads should treat their children and I am glad that you did not speak up to this individual dad at Costco. It is my professional belief that he would have taken it out on his child after your encounter. There is a side to this story that you do not tell because you and I don't know the father's story which has much to do with how he treats his son. Most people that we all see in the Costcos of our travels, you know those who emotionally abuse their children, these parents were abused themselves and it is the only way they know. It is very difficult to empathize with an "abuser" but it is the only way to help. What is needed here is help to teach the offending parent some skills and empathize with his anger. Let me tell you, this is difficult even for a professional to do. So, I would say to you, try to understand the bigger picture and just maybe someone, who owns this behavior will even think about changing it.
Yes, our dads closed our spirits many times, yet God can work through this sin and bring good, bring us to God through the Son. I raised my own son in the love of God and didnt spend as much time w him as I wanted and asked his forgiveness and he forgave me, saying he knew I had to work, before he died of cancer.
In a sense, dis should apply 2 ALL parents! Not just dads! I've seen news reports of many women, Afro-American mind u, who r rancid towards their kids! Many of these "moms" say da little boys have no right 2 b sensitive, an' they try an' raise da girls 2 b deez undatable whores! As an Afro-American male, I c dis, an' am very sickened by it! Especially since I wasn't raised in dat environment; thank God!
But I digress! If anything, if u had a cameraphone, like da majority of ppl have a smart phone or a pad, u shoulda recorded da sumbitch an' shamed 'em on social media!
And you stood there like a sheep, not stepping in, not protecting the child, not calling authorities. "You're going to 'get it' when we get home" said after good finger jabbing? You knew what that meant and yet you didn't make a single phone call, talk to a manager, etc.
Guess what? YOU broke the boy.
And if he had stepped up and said something it may have upset the man even more......you never know if he would have taken it out on the child.
@Liberty1974 growing up with a pseudo-step-parent like this, I strongly disagree with you.. first,
...the kid is going to 'get it' no matter what you say or do.... you will not be able to stop this parents behavior......BUT...
....doing/saying something in front of the kid would make the understand that what was happening was WRONG....
---silence makes them believe that what was going on was acceptable and...
---is one more step to getting the kid to believe that they deserved to be treated like this
If just ONE person would step forward in front of the child, it would make them feel as if they were worth something....
wish I had been worth something.....
Wow! Powerful post. This really resonated with me. I am lucky to have had an amazing father whom treated me with the patience, awe, kindness and loving spirit this man describes. I am so fortunate.
i have some great posts on my blog from parents of young children who didn't find it all that easy and some of the challenges they faced and ways they coped - very encouraging stuff.
Love brett fish
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I wish there was more help for broken adults. My dad broke me many times throughout my childhood. I am an adult now, but only physically. Life is too long to live broken by parents, and blamed by strangers for my "brokenness".
I'm sorry I'm useless, i wish I were dead too.
@Shareallicu OMG please don't say those words...You are a not useless and should never wish your own death...Please reach out to anyone even me!!...XO
@Shareallicu i felt somany times in that way.. dont do it to your self..... if you want to talk we are here... I feel useless too sometimes but i dont let it take me down...
@Shareallicu I understand exactly what you mean. It was my mother who broke me. All of us actually. I learned to be afraid. To walk on eggshells and to never ask for anything. I got food clothing and shelter, but beyond that, I learned I was a burden she was required to support. I learned to hide and not take chances, because the punishment for a mistake or failure was so severe. The biggest thing I learned is that I didn't matter and my needs beyond survival, didn't matter. A telling point: my mother told the story of when she told my grandfather that she was going to marry my dad, she said he hugged her for the first time in her life. She was 25 years old. She said she was shocked and didn't know how to react. Our parents learn to parent form their own parents. Understanding that though, hasn't helped me to find a way out. I'm afraid to take chances, and don't have the ability to ask anyone for anything. I'm extremely capable and self-sufficient. I can fix or build anything electrical/ mechanical. I'm the model employee because it's so easy to put everyone else's needs first. Never married, no connection, no support group. I can't take chances, because I can't afford to fail. I learned the wrong lesson as a kid. The biggest being that I didn't matter.
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Oh,dear....you're blessed....I'M Barbara 38 y o from Hellas...forgive my english are not good enough,i'll try to make a point.... i try so hard everyday not to be cruel to my asperger son...but once i started,i went to a psychology to take advices for myself first and then for him..i couldn't deal with it ( i mean i was fighting with him) he was only 2,5 to 3 years old....Now,after 3 years since i know he's aspie, i've tried so hard and have done such amazing work with him,that i can feel happy the most of the time and not only some moments...he really drives me crazy sometimes, but now i know how to take things on my hands...and God, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!Both my boys!...my point is that some parents may not be able to deal up their own children,they may need some help with ... so, don't turn yourself apart of talking nicely to them... ask them... "what's the problem?Becouse maby i can help"....talk to them about taking some advice from doctors about their child,or why not for themselves...i know it's hard to make them listen,i was telling this to my dad, when i was a kid yet, he never did, but I DID becouse i was currying his ways somehow and i hated to treat like this to my sons... My boys are my last breath and i would nefer thought about losing it!! If you dont show your pure love to your children one day they don't know how to love you back!!!Thanks for your post,you made my cry from the depth of my heart..Keep being the perfect dad you ARE!!lOVE YOU!
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A Dad who consciously and purposely decides to make his children feel loved would also hopefully lift up the mother of his children and give her his love and caring, too. My Dad did great with me when he was home, but he traveled for work and my Mom seemed to be overwhelmed when he was gone and wanted to be left alone and not be "bothered" by me. We rarely did anything together that was "just spending time," and I could not talk with her about anything the whole time I was growing up. Due to bad things in her past, she did not/could not feel loved and supported enough by her husband, so she is the one who tore me down every time Dad was away. But Dad also did not pay her much attention when he was home, no affection or special things, and they also drank and fought a lot until they got divorced when I was 12, and I remember all of that. So he was a good Dad but not a great husband. Anyway, all of her hurt came out to me whenever he was away, and she was jealous of the time Dad spent with his only child (me) when he was home. Every put-down and negative thing I heard from her cut me like a knife, and burned into my soul, and at 59 I am still overcoming the lasting effects of being broken by her. I thought I married a man who could love me and his children, but after having only one daughter, I found out how broken we both were. And so the cycle continued. The husband/father sets the whole tone of the family, but our culture does nothing to support that concept; in fact, media shows men who are loving, thoughtful, caring, and put family first as weak and stupid. The outdated model of being a tough, emotionless "macho man" still permeates our culture as the ideal. Until we as a society can change that, one family at a time, then the men who become fathers may not always be able to do the right things.
I am speechless, and touched. With as many horrible examples out there, thanks for speaking up to be a positive light in a grey world.
You're not the only one who gets angry when you see a child "broken". There are those of us, who are non traditional parents as well (step, grand etc) that have felt that anger, that helpless burn in the pit of your stomach, when a child has "that" look on their face.
I have always wished for my own children. I have been blessed to be a step parent. I try to build our children up at every opportunity, knowing only that I'm a good enough parent to know that I can always grow to be better.
My wish is that the father of that boy, read this post. So I will share and share again.
Keep being who you are. From one parent to another, I think you're pretty great.
Everyone! Abandon social media! Interact with your offspring! Retire your binary facsimiles! Embrace your physical existence!
how i got my husband back and got pregnant after 5 years!!!my husband has been patient with me and has been encouraging me that it will be best if we had hopes that we will have a child one day.last year,we had a little fight and he demanded for a divorce and i was so down because without him,i am nothing.he left me and the next day i met him with another woman in a shopping mall.i even tried talking to him but he pretended he didnt know me.i told my sister about it and she introduced me to the Famous Dr Malaa,who helps in so many ways.i contacted him and he did his thing,before i knew it,the next day Moric called me and apologized that he was sorry for everything and that i should take him back and that he will cancel the divorce,i had no choice than to accept him,and we have been living happily until i felt sick and went for check up and the doctor confirmed me pregnant.i am so happy and all thanks to Dr Malaa for all his help.contact him now for any kind of problem and he will surely try his best to make you happy. His email is ([email protected]) or also call his mobile +2348159645271.thanks once again Dr Malaa for everything :)
Dan, what a great piece. I am 60 now but still the little boy in the store you saw. Because my Dad is the father in that picture. Always angry. And he STILL is. He broke me a million times, into a billion little pieces. And he still tries! I am a lawyer, a published author and I play lead and rhythm guitar in a fantastic funk/soul/r&b/rock cover band ... I am a remarried husband to a wife that blesses me with her presence by my side - each and every day of my life. I'm father to three wonderful children, two stepchildren .......... and a grandpa to 4 grandkids and counting. But as great as that all is, a man is still the boy. He always will be. And the broken boy never heals completely. The wounds scar over and thankfully, there is the education of life, and all that it has to offer us here in the USA. Still, there is and always will be the angry man that is ALWAYS standing in the background shaking his fist and gritting his teeth at me. A friend to his circle of withered cronies. A bastard to me. A dichotomy of "here, take this money" and "you goddamn republican." A double standard that sits and prays a rosary on a church bench, and curses the people he glares at all around him. Right there in the pew! Dads. Wake up and realize that someday, you might just have a 60 year old son like me. A loving guy who knows in his heart that the only real lesson you ever taught him as his father, is how NOT to be. What NOT to do. Those are your best lessons for your sons and daughters? I don't think so.
What really breaks a child is when you don't treat his/her mother right, when you divorce, when you are so selfish that instead of making the relationship that YOU CHOSE work by giving up your "rights" and putting your family's needs before your own. To a child whose family is broken, everything you say will be B.S. until you live it. You may tell them they are wonderful and build their self-esteem sky high until they are the biggest thing in school, but when they take that selfish attitude to their relationships... no matter how good they think they are, until they can learn to be successful while putting others' needs before their own, they will not have healthy relationships. So many parents today preach building their child's self esteem, when what the child really needs is parents who are living examples of selflessness and discipline (this means doing what is right when it's not easy) in their own lives first, and then are willing to lovingly introduce discipline into their children's lives as well.
My ex husband has only seen our 18 year old son once in this past year. He lives in the same County that we do.... He chose not to have relationships with his children even when we were in the same household. Makes me wonder if I shouldn't have ended it sooner. I think being ignored was very hard for them. He is very damaged and refused to believe that there'sanything wrong with his behavior.
@Good Example So.......just because parents divorce, they break their child? That is BS. Not everyone should be married and if the relationship is bad, that affects the child far worse than divorce!
My name is Jessie Bender from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.ogala for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr.ogala contact him through his email: [email protected] [email protected] you can also call him +2348072371282 THANKS.