Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.
I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger. Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.
As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done. The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to “leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.
The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.
I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?
We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. “If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.” The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.
And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.
I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.
Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail. There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.
[sigh] I am far from a perfect dad. And I always will be. But I’m a damn good dad, and my son will always feel bigger than anything life can throw at him. Why? Because I get it. I get the power a dad has in a child’s life, and in a child’s level of self-belief. I get that everything I ever do and ever say to my son will be absorbed, for good or for bad. What I don’t get is how some dads don’t get it…
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I absolutely loved this read. To be honest, this goes for more than just dads, but single mothers as well. I cried when reading this because I am guilty of some of these things as well. I am 25 and have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son whose fathers are absent from their lives. I am a college student trying to balance college work with parent life and at times it extremely frustrating to find harmony in respecting their autonomy and decision making, and them respecting my decisions and wishes. I have raised my voice to them more times than I should have and I most definitely have been frustrated many night when I ask them to lay in their beds and not get up at bed time so that I can do homework and study and they decide to play in and out of their room until late hours of the night. I love my kids to death and there is nothing in this world I would not do for them, but at times, I just feel worn down. I AM working on it though, I do not like the feeling of my kids fearing me or making them cry. I have spent many nights crying and beat myself up over the the way I had handled situations and how I could have handled it differently.
Thank you so much for this amazing post,
I heard something on tv the other day that I loved. In the 60s and 70s parents were concerned about being happy themselves. They sent the kids out and they did not come home till suppertime. Nowadays we concentrate too much on the kids happiness. Some sort of happiness must be reached
I heard someone say something on tv that I thought was great. in the 60s and 70s parents raised children with idea of themselves being happy. now we worry too much over the childs happiness. Its called overparenting and its all the rage nowadays. There were always pedophiles etc and we still let our kids go out and not come till suppertime etc. Nowadays that would be considered child neglect. There has to be a happy medium
I grew up with a Dad that spent time with the boys and the girls were left alone. Except when it was time to get reprimanded for something that was not especially your fault. The belt or smack in the back of the head or the kick in the seat of your pants. There were 5 of us, 3 girls and 2 boys. Girls were not treated any different than the boys. Except the praise was for the boys. Thank God I had a Mom that loved us unconditionally. I have 2 sons of my own. They are grown. I wanted them to have the life I didn't have. They have a good Dad, he never had to spank them when they were small. Just the sheer look on his face was all it took. I have a hard time when I see someone in public beating or using undo force on children. I have stepped in before and also called the police on a Mom that felt it was ok to grab a 3 yr old up by her arm and beat her. The child was crying so hard she could not breath and the mother was not phased. There are to many children being beaten to death. Out of sheer neglect. If you can't handle the child or don't have time for the child. There are plenty couples that would love to adopt a child. Pray for all the poor kids that are lost in the abuse of crappy parents. God Bless them all.
Everyone can change. Everyone can make a child feel loved by treating them with kindness, empathy and respect. Just because your parents were negative influences doesn't mean that you have to keep repeating the cycle. And every time you mess up with your kids, make it up to them. Show them love and kindness. Hug/hold them! Be supportive and say you are sorry and that you made a terrible mistake. It's not their fault that you can't control your temper and do the right thing. Make a commitment to yourself and your child/children to do better next time. Then follow through.
Most of the time the parent is feeling bad about themselves, mad at something/someone else. It often has nothing to do with the child. Parents should stop being so selfish and be patient and kind when interacting with their children. It is a commitment to be an amazing parent and raise amazing children. It is hard work and it is not easy. It is so important to have your stuff together for them. Even if you don't, then fake it for their sake! Always try to keep positive and have fun with them. Love and laugh together. Appreciate all that they are. Even if they aren't like you. Embrace them as individuals and respect them. They grow up so fast. If you know you are not a mentally healthy individual then don't have children. It is the most important job you will ever have. It's not fair to bring them into all of your negative chaos and abuse them.
Thank you so much SDL for this brilliant and emotional article. Bravo to you. I do hope you reached many parents who are in need of a reality check!
I used to have a father like you. One who put me first no matter what. One who I loved and trusted beyond all else. Everything changed when I turned 16. It was a gradual change and I didn't really even really notice the change until it hit me in the face one day. I was bullied in Secondary School. I had no friends to speak of. My mother was too strong of a person to understand my hurts. My dad was the only one I could turn to back then, but even he turned away once I graduated to Polytechnic. I know 17year olds are hardly considered children who still needed their dads anymore but God knows I needed his guidance more than anything. But I guess to my 'perfect' dad his recorded soccer matches were more important than his daughter seeking advice about her future from him. It only got worse from there. He was never harsh in the way that man was to his child but my father slowly became more and more distanced from me. He would start breaking more and more promises and he would stop listening to my words. Logically I know that my daddy still loves me. Logically I know that he cares, that he's just busy with work, that he's working hard for my future. Logically I know I'm being childish for feeling hurt over such small matters. Logically I know that I shouldn't expect him to still give me the same amount of attention as when I was a child, after I'm supposed to be all grown up by now. But damn logic. It hurts when my daddy's actions all tell me that he doesn't care anymore, even if logic says otherwise. It hurts when I realise that I can't trust him anymore, that I don't even think about consulting him on my choices because I have given up on him actually caring. It hurts to know how broken my relationship with my dad has become because it used to be so perfect and I lost it. Because it has to be my own fault. Daddy is just trying his best for me to live comfortably. He's been working hard all week it's my fault that I had to bring up such heavy topics during his leisure time. Logically I know it's not my fault or his. Logically... but my hurt feels it all the same.
I beg all parents who somehow have stumbled upon this blog and my comment here. Please don't stop showing that you care. Even when your children are old and grey, even when they push you away in rebellion. Because damn it all, children will always need their parents and it isn't only the young ones who can be broken or hurt. No matter how old we get even if our minds know and understand the reasons our hearts still hurt all the same.
Beautifully said and so true to the heart. So many father's or mothers would rather have their kids fear them then respect them. Also some are a product of bad parenting themselves. Just because you were raised that way does not mean this is the way you should raise your child. I believe everyone can learn something from what you said. Amazing Job!Thank you!!!!
From a new step father of one teen boy and teen girl. I am learning a lot about myself and teens. I have been learning from them, people around me and from my own experience as a step son. I will very soon be blessed with my own child at 41 years of age and will soon be learning even more about life and raising a child. I have a lot to learn and appreciate this article. It is always good to have little reminders of the things you can miss in life if you ignore the joy of the young in this world whether they be ours or not, they are still all our children. Thank you and please, to all parents, try your best to treat all children and people as you would expect to be treated. With love respect and understanding. New dad learning, James Demoskoff , Nelson BC Canada. Thank you.
Truly inspiring words Mr. Pearce. I had a chance, long ago to be a good father to some step children, but I blew it due to my own fears. Sadly I will not have children of my own blood, but I do have "kids" through my short sessions with clients at the children's mental health clinic I work in. I see such wonderment and joy each time I see these children and such anxiety and rage when I see the reasons why they are in the clinic. I know their pains, see their sorrow and feel their shame. If some parents could just heed your words and pick up the broken pieces things would get better all around.
I am married to a wonderful dad of 4 kids. 2 step kids he adopted and two kids we made together. He is not perfect but he always tries to do his best, and that is all we can ask of ourselves as humans.
I've only been a father for a little over a year now, but I agree with you entirely. I strive to do the many things you wrote about in your post and although it may not be the easiest when you're exhausted from work or wrapped up in your own issues, your child's happiness and well being should be the most important. I know every day I get home, my little girl always yanks a smile out of my face within the first minute of me being home. I think every dad, super dad or not, should have that reaction and do the things you mentioned above because there is no excuse to not feel that joy and see their child living life to their full potential. Like you said, I am not perfect either, but your post moved me to my core. I hope I am not the only parent who has had this reaction to your post. And although I try to make the most out of the few fleeting hours I have with my daughter each night, you have inspired me to be and even better father and never stop improving upon myself. Thank you.
I’ll admit it. I am far from an angel, I am not good at anything, worthless, and doomed to fail. But why should I keep trying. Because to not try would be to waste a life, a life someone else would have treasured and a life that had a small chance of accomplishing something. In my heart, I know I am greedy, narcissistic, cynistic, nasty, hiding under a mask, overtly depressed and cope with it using games or other distractions. My father, never gave me a kind word, it was always “oh someone else did better” or “sigh* You don’t know anything” or “Do whatever you want it is your life” my entire life has been only one task, to make someone feel proud of me that I cared about, My mother would try to make me feel better by simply insulting the person who was hurting me, but did that help? No, cause I do not feel joy in the suffering of others, I can never hold grudges cause I know people are human, I cannot understand why people find so much joy in insulting others. I know that I am a huge hypocrite as I do insult others at school to hide my own insecurities and fake confidence. I am worthless as a human, I try to learn something, I never do so thoroughly, I try to achieve something, it ends in my weeping, I try , I try , I try. Yet, never do I succeed. It seems that I am hopeless, unloved, and uncared for. What am I? A tool for other people to use me, not someone who has emotions nor any “real” agony and pain. I understand I am not the most suffering person out there, there are people who lost loved ones, die too young, and overall suffer in inhumane ways. But I sometimes feel like I am in a trap. What can I do? I can choose to be unhappy and fail trying to achieve anything, or slightly less unhappy and not try to do anything, but feel the guilt of failing myself and everyone I know. And the most unfortunate part is that most of my ambition is not even driven by my parents, It is fueled by me. I'm not looking for anyone to say that I am "good", "smart" or anything. I want to know how I can deal with my own inner struggles
Please help.Anonymous someone who is confused, angry, and hurt.
Please don't grow up feeling you have to make your parents proud. Please don't grow up thinking you are worth less then others. Please don't grow up unhappy because you're not the best at something. Please don't grow up angry, frustrated and sad. It makes it so much harder to find your place in the world.Just remember everything you are going though is normal and everybody felt it at some time or another. You cannot bring good to others if you are not good to yourself. You cannot bring happiness unless your are happy with yourself. Listen to yourself, I did it because your are worth it!
I am dating a wonderful father. He's not perfect, but he gives his time, attention, love & priority to his kids first. I wouldn't dream of begrudging him that because that is the very thing I wish for my own children. Their dad has essentially abandoned them & I know they ache for those things. I hope that we stay together & they get to meet him & have him in their lives so that they will get to experience through him what they have been robbed of by their own father. There are good dads out there & I'm proud of my boyfriend for being one of them.
Just to be the Devil's Advocate, that kid could have been just horrible all day up until that point. I have had days where, after my kids have been just unbelievable, I can feel myself being just incredibly hateful because I'm seriously at my wits end. That doesn't make it right, but also not every single days is like that, either. Most of the time I'd say I'm a decent parent...and then there are those days where they've done everything short of fling feces at each other, or burn the house down...I'm just saying, don't judge an entire father son relationship from the one day you got to look behind the curtain...lol. We all eff up from time to time.
I grew up without a dad, so my mom had the burden of breaking me. Now in my late 30s I am still trying to put myself back together. She was very thorough...
Don't be sexist. Women break young boys just as often than dads do.
As I read this, all I kept saying aloud in my head (moms too) and replacing Dad with (or) Mom. Women are just as guilty! And where the ones who are suppose to be sensitive, care more and have "motherly instincts" yet some are so cold hearted :( makes you wonder.
edit* me and my daughter are so close, even after me having another little girl 1 month ago. im a single mom so my 'me time' coincides with the time she wants to play the most, the time where i just need peace and quiet. nonetheless, im learning everyday to be more involved with her, all while caring alone, for a new born, myself, and her. im not the horrible mother my mind, and this post probably makes me seem.. i guess one of my points was the mental illness plays a huge role in how we raise our kids. poor mental health is NOT an excuse for not TRYING harder and WANTING to change, even tho it can be or seem near impossible. assholes like the 'father' mentioned in this post are people i have NO sympathy for since getting help could be as easy as dialing a phone number and reaching out to friends, family or a therapist anyways.. im done now.
i was that kid who sat alone and had no friends. i was broken. and still am.
im guilty of ignoring my kid, emotionally hurting my kid, worrying about bills and my own personal problems than playing with her. i ignore her pleas for emotional and physical touch and love. i fuck up, alot. but its because im still broken. not because im not aware of this.
i googled 'how can i repair my child after emotional abuse' because all i can think about after my sweet girl goes to sleep is how i fucked up so badly. and whats wrong with me, and is she broken for life , and am i? mental health is a huge deal and problem in this world, especially this country (america). guilt has helped me grow so, so much. but i still hurt in side. i hope to recover, and heal and do the same for her and never ever let her become the broken child with no friends, who sits alone.. thank you for this post.
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ChildWithin, I was touched by your story. You have done a lot of soul searching and inward focusing on your childhood, which I know must have been painful. I commend you for not giving up and standing firm for what you, and your future kids, deserve. I think you will be an awesome parent one day! I am glad to hear you are going to work on healing yourself. Therapy and parenting classes will really help, I am sure. I firmly believe anyone can benefit from these helpful interventions. I have. Your Mom's excuses are lame, in my books. People can learn, grow and change - they just have to want to! Prove your Mom wrong with your actions. Best of luck for the future!
If you have realized you have screwed up after your child has gone to sleep then wake your child up and make it right while it is still on your mind. Give your child a hug and apologize. Promise to be better and keep that promise. Tell him you love him. Then hold that child close to you while it goes back to sleep. You will have created a wonderful moment and a loving memory. Something you can make yourself stop and think back on when you are ready to screw up again. You can break the cycle your parents started. Be the difference in your child's life.
This thought often enters my mind and I fear that I will raise my child the same way I was, it bothered me a lot less, until my mother told me why she treats me the way she does. She has sat down with me and answered a lot of questions I had in regards of how she treated/treats me because I would not be broken if she didn't break me. So I had to assume it was because she was a broken child too.
In regards to not giving me attention, affection, or allowing me to act like a "child" and not "allowing" me because I, now 30 years old, shouldn't act like that!
She told me it was because I acted and reminded her of herself as a child. I was needy. And so was she. The best way to explain it maybe, would be in 3rd person. If my parents were never there for me, what makes you so special that you expect your parents to be there for you!?
She said the reason why she did not hug me, compliment me, engage/interact with me or even comforted me or showed love, was because her parents withheld this from her and her giving me what she didn't receive, would prove that I was better than her! More deserving and worthy! More loveable! The nerve to ask these things from her put her in such a state of....hurt? She was clearly upset, stated basically, who did I think I was!? Like I was so ungrateful! "You think you can act that way!? You think you deserve to be held and accepted?! If I acted that way, I'll tell you right now! Grandma would have none of it! My mom didn't act like that towards me, what makes you so deserving? So much better than me! If I didn't get it, you're sure as hell not going to either!"
So because she suffered, I must suffer with her.
I told her, No Mom, because you are able to give those things to your child that your parents couldn't give to you, doesn't make me better and worthy! It means that you're better than her! A better parent than your parents will ever be because you were able to be there for your child and fulfill their needs, when your parents never would, never could and never cared! Plus, your way better than me Mom because I'm not yet a Mother, and when I am, I will strive to remember that not being there for my child, doesn't mean they're less deserving, I will remember that I want them to be better than my Mother! And I shouldn't be jealous that they are receiving all the love and attention I needed and didn't get. Because they are also fulfilling my needs, by loving them and spoiling them, they in turn, are loving me back. Giving me hugs and affection that I craved and yearned for for years! My mother should be happy when she receives love from me, but doesn't know how to return it! She says, she is unable to show me all these needs I have because no one ever showed her. I was appaled!? And so confused!? If you didn't teach me, then how could I know, and you didn't!?
And this is where reality sets in and the truth hurts. That they know, and you know they know, but they don't truly care enough (about you) you start to believe. The thought that you weren't good enough to have your parents treat you better than they were. Then this breaks you all over again, only now, you're an adult broken. But maybe if we had just a hint of self-esteem left within us, we'd know that it wasn't because they felt we weren't good enough or not worthy, but that they, themselves, weren't good enough as parents.
At the age of 12, my mother had me write a list of how I "needed" her to be. Not once, but twice. A couple examples included, "when I get home from school, ask me how my day was. Even if you don't care, please pretend that you do."
"When you see me studying and doing homework, even if you don't understand, please ask me what I am working on. Pretend that you understand, and say good work/keep it up (something of that nature) before leaving".
She was unable to meet the demands on my list. Her rationalization, "I guess because no one asked me how my day was, why should I ask you!? Or again, "I wasn't taught!" In which I yelled back, at 12 yrs old, "I was never taught either but I sure as hell know how you should be! Why is it that you don't!? And I do!?!?
And you know what!? When I have children, you can guarantee that I will remember everything I needed as a child and everything I needed from my parents!
I should just be happy knowing that I am changing history, and my children will make the best damn parents and will know how to fulfil their child's every need, because I'm telling you right now, knowing what your "needs" and "wants" are and not getting them fulfilled, sure makes you an expert in knowing "how" and "what" children need and how to fulfil those needs because every time one of my needs wasn't met, I sat there, tears running down my face, wishing my mother would "do this" or " say that". See, I knew how I needed and wanted her to be, and because of that, I can only thank her. I can no longer be mad. Because in the end, I ended up learning, and she, in the end, was the one who, ironically, "taught" me. She taught me in her own way. So I can either hold onto the resentment and pain and refrain from meeting my children's needs. Or I can embrace my mother for the mother she is, and fulfill all the wants and needs my children will have and know that my mother did the best she could. Some may call it "tough love", but no matter how you look at it, "love is love."
Loving them doesn't mean they're more worthy than I, loving them the way I wasn't means that they don't have to be "broken".
It taught me how I didn't want to be as a parent. I only hope this is the parent I will become. Because I also see myself hating my children and hurting them :( mostly because I am worried, like my mother saw in me, that I will see myself in them. What if they act like me and remind myself of all the things I hate about myself, that I now have to accept and love in my children!?
My mother couldn't do it. But that's because my mother never learned to like herself, never mind, love herself. How could she know to fix herself, if she didn't even know she was "broken"?
I think you're right. Mental health plays a huge factor! If I am going to conceive and make a replica of myself, I need to be healed. I need to love and embrace all my traits and qualities that my child will inherit. I am apart of them and they are apart of me. If I am going to love my child, then I need to learn to love myself first. And that is nothing to be ashamed of!
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Then when the kid grows up he might kill his dad, then the media will be all over it saying: his parents should've taught him better; + a millions other comments, all the while not knowing the story. I seriously hate the father's actions and the kid would've got it worse because the father would've blamed the kid. I don't know what to say and what is the answer?
What a wonderful post! Thank you for your heated, flabbergasted rant, it spoke to my heart (okay sharply stabbed it) and reminded me again, as I exhaustively fall into bed, how truly lucky I am to get to buy my three babies ice cream tomorrow😊
I totally agree with your message here, and I appreciate that you acknowledged at the end that maybe you could have or should have done or said something while in line at the store. It is a difficult proposition to see a wrong and intervene. I have an 8 month old daughter and strive to be a great dad. I struggle at times to put down my phone or stop watching TV to play with her. I do light up when I get home and see her for the first time of the day and I love our story time together and the times when I get to put her down at night. I will never be perfect, but I strive to be a good/great dad who she can look up to and hopefully will look to as one of her heros. Thanks for caring enough to write your thoughts and feelings on the subject.
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This is a wonderful post about how dads should treat their children and I am glad that you did not speak up to this individual dad at Costco. It is my professional belief that he would have taken it out on his child after your encounter. There is a side to this story that you do not tell because you and I don't know the father's story which has much to do with how he treats his son. Most people that we all see in the Costcos of our travels, you know those who emotionally abuse their children, these parents were abused themselves and it is the only way they know. It is very difficult to empathize with an "abuser" but it is the only way to help. What is needed here is help to teach the offending parent some skills and empathize with his anger. Let me tell you, this is difficult even for a professional to do. So, I would say to you, try to understand the bigger picture and just maybe someone, who owns this behavior will even think about changing it.
Yes, our dads closed our spirits many times, yet God can work through this sin and bring good, bring us to God through the Son. I raised my own son in the love of God and didnt spend as much time w him as I wanted and asked his forgiveness and he forgave me, saying he knew I had to work, before he died of cancer.
In a sense, dis should apply 2 ALL parents! Not just dads! I've seen news reports of many women, Afro-American mind u, who r rancid towards their kids! Many of these "moms" say da little boys have no right 2 b sensitive, an' they try an' raise da girls 2 b deez undatable whores! As an Afro-American male, I c dis, an' am very sickened by it! Especially since I wasn't raised in dat environment; thank God!
But I digress! If anything, if u had a cameraphone, like da majority of ppl have a smart phone or a pad, u shoulda recorded da sumbitch an' shamed 'em on social media!
And you stood there like a sheep, not stepping in, not protecting the child, not calling authorities. "You're going to 'get it' when we get home" said after good finger jabbing? You knew what that meant and yet you didn't make a single phone call, talk to a manager, etc.
Guess what? YOU broke the boy.
And if he had stepped up and said something it may have upset the man even more......you never know if he would have taken it out on the child.
@Liberty1974 growing up with a pseudo-step-parent like this, I strongly disagree with you.. first,
...the kid is going to 'get it' no matter what you say or do.... you will not be able to stop this parents behavior......BUT...
....doing/saying something in front of the kid would make the understand that what was happening was WRONG....
---silence makes them believe that what was going on was acceptable and...
---is one more step to getting the kid to believe that they deserved to be treated like this
If just ONE person would step forward in front of the child, it would make them feel as if they were worth something....
wish I had been worth something.....
Wow! Powerful post. This really resonated with me. I am lucky to have had an amazing father whom treated me with the patience, awe, kindness and loving spirit this man describes. I am so fortunate.
i have some great posts on my blog from parents of young children who didn't find it all that easy and some of the challenges they faced and ways they coped - very encouraging stuff.
Love brett fish
I have been in bondage ever since my ex leaves ME for another man,It was really hell for me and everybody told me to forget about her but i could not because i love her so much. Things get worse until my friend introduced me to this great spell Therapist ONIHA and i contacted him through his email [email protected] i explain everything to him and he cast a spell for me immediately after four days, everything turn around and my love come to me on her knee begging for forgiveness that i am the one and only man in her life now. I was surprise i have never seen such a miracle in my life. I am so thankful to this man and i will forever publish his name Therapist Oniha of the [email protected] is the greatest.
I broke up with my wife last 5 months due to many misunderstandings i was fighting so hard to get her back. none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get her back then a friend recommended me to contact Therapist Oniha of the [email protected] that he will help me and as my friend said, Therapist Oniha helped me to bring back my wife in just in 3 days, I now have her back and this is the biggest joy of my life oohhhh am so happy now with her forever.
I wish there was more help for broken adults. My dad broke me many times throughout my childhood. I am an adult now, but only physically. Life is too long to live broken by parents, and blamed by strangers for my "brokenness".
I'm sorry I'm useless, i wish I were dead too.
@Shareallicu OMG please don't say those words...You are a not useless and should never wish your own death...Please reach out to anyone even me!!...XO
@Shareallicu i felt somany times in that way.. dont do it to your self..... if you want to talk we are here... I feel useless too sometimes but i dont let it take me down...
@Shareallicu I understand exactly what you mean. It was my mother who broke me. All of us actually. I learned to be afraid. To walk on eggshells and to never ask for anything. I got food clothing and shelter, but beyond that, I learned I was a burden she was required to support. I learned to hide and not take chances, because the punishment for a mistake or failure was so severe. The biggest thing I learned is that I didn't matter and my needs beyond survival, didn't matter. A telling point: my mother told the story of when she told my grandfather that she was going to marry my dad, she said he hugged her for the first time in her life. She was 25 years old. She said she was shocked and didn't know how to react. Our parents learn to parent form their own parents. Understanding that though, hasn't helped me to find a way out. I'm afraid to take chances, and don't have the ability to ask anyone for anything. I'm extremely capable and self-sufficient. I can fix or build anything electrical/ mechanical. I'm the model employee because it's so easy to put everyone else's needs first. Never married, no connection, no support group. I can't take chances, because I can't afford to fail. I learned the wrong lesson as a kid. The biggest being that I didn't matter.
@Too Late for Me @Shareallicu We are brothers in suffering. Let me show you what worked for me. http://www.amazon.com/Missing-Mark-Target-Child-Speaks/dp/1496940342/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423159746&sr=1-1&keywords=hoerner+missing
Oh,dear....you're blessed....I'M Barbara 38 y o from Hellas...forgive my english are not good enough,i'll try to make a point.... i try so hard everyday not to be cruel to my asperger son...but once i started,i went to a psychology to take advices for myself first and then for him..i couldn't deal with it ( i mean i was fighting with him) he was only 2,5 to 3 years old....Now,after 3 years since i know he's aspie, i've tried so hard and have done such amazing work with him,that i can feel happy the most of the time and not only some moments...he really drives me crazy sometimes, but now i know how to take things on my hands...and God, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!Both my boys!...my point is that some parents may not be able to deal up their own children,they may need some help with ... so, don't turn yourself apart of talking nicely to them... ask them... "what's the problem?Becouse maby i can help"....talk to them about taking some advice from doctors about their child,or why not for themselves...i know it's hard to make them listen,i was telling this to my dad, when i was a kid yet, he never did, but I DID becouse i was currying his ways somehow and i hated to treat like this to my sons... My boys are my last breath and i would nefer thought about losing it!! If you dont show your pure love to your children one day they don't know how to love you back!!!Thanks for your post,you made my cry from the depth of my heart..Keep being the perfect dad you ARE!!lOVE YOU!