You just broke your child. Congratulations.

You need faith in fathers ~ Well, my husband is a great dad. I grew up without a dad so maybe my personal experience renders lower standards; but, I don't think so. My husband disciplines but doesn't show anger. He teaches without belittling. He points out their wrongs without judgment but with understanding. He praises them when they do things right. He exudes love when he with our sons. Have faith, Sir.

This post makes me sad for those of us whose dads ignored us.  I grew up with my dad in the house, but I saw him so infrequently I was scared of him as a little kid.  I remember as an adolescent sitting in my room sulking with the door closed and hearing him come home and walk right by my room, every day.  Now I'm a single parent, and my daughter hasn't seen her own dad in 9 or 10 months.

I wish I knew what you, or anyone, could have done for that poor kid at Costco.  I'm not going to take you to task for not intervening because anything you did could well have escalated the situation and led to more danger for the child as well as bystanders.  An abuser like that is likely to take it out physically on the child if someone tries to help. 

I never had a dad, but my husband has been a truly superb one.  Our daughter is 25 now and has her head screwed on pretty straight.  And she's definitely clear that her dad loves her.

I work with kids all the time - mostly 7-8 year olds - and I always tell those I work with, "You never know what type of environment that kid just came from, your interaction with them might be the most positive part of their day." BUT... it goes both ways. There are always 2-sides to a story. What if that child is being held in punishment mode for a bad report card, teasing a sibling, destroying their bicycle, losing their retainer, damaging property inside the store, etc? Your 5-minute observation of their interaction is only a snapshot in time. Yeah, maybe Dad is a jerk all the time... but then again, maybe he is truly 'Dad of the year' and you caught 5-minutes of punishment. If you observe this type of parental behavior day-in and day-out, then it's time to speak up, there is a problem there. But be very careful about casting judgment on a 5-minute point in time, you don't know what circumstances lead up to that point. 

Great article.  It's very sad and I have witnessed this behavior from parents all too often.  You are damned if you do and damned if you don't in response to a lot of people's comments.  If you say something, this man might take it out on the child when he gets home.  How do you know he doesn't have a gun on him and might harm you and your child?  On the flip side, maybe your words will save this child.  I wrote a similar article on the same subject and also believe children are a gift.  Sure, as parents we get frustrated, maybe wish we hadn't said certain things but at the end of the day, I look into my children's eyes and feel this enormous amount of love that can't be measured!  Here is my article if you are interested in reading.  I spoke up because I couldn't watch any longer as a young boy was being abused right in front of my eyes.  Everyone just stared but I spoke up.  I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I didn't.  If someone is afraid to speak up (and that is totally ok and normal), call the police or alert the store…something to save a child.  http://www.mommymasters.com/2013/02/a-gift/

Thank you,

Ellie, The Mommy Master®

www.MommyMasters.com

This is an opinion, please do not bash me:

You sir are a failure. You would rather wait until you left the store and go home and post this story on the internet.... Why didn't you follow the guy and his kid to their car and get their license plate and call the police on suspected abuse of DFS??? Why didn't you yell in the store "This child is being abuse by his father!"  and point at him??? Why didn't you walk up to the child and give him your number and say "if your daddy hits you, please call me, I CARE???

I have saved many spouses and children because I spoke up, I even was at a concert and guy hit his girlfriend and squeez her neck. What did I do you may ask? I turn to him with my Veteran hat on grabbed him by his neck and told the girl to go away. I looked at him and stated "you are drunk, you are stupid, you are an abuser, I have killed before and will gladly do so again." He looked at me with great fear in his eyes, and he ran away. I am not a big guy, hell I'm not even that strong! I am a nerd with glasses... I went against the social "It's not my problem, I'll just ignore it" mentality. Or, in your case go post about it on the internet...

You should grow some balls, call people out on their behaviors, you just might save a destroyed life. That poor child may have had another undeserved beating or could be dead by now... Think about that and do something before you post something after the fact...

Well said..., VERY well said.

What did I think of what you wrote?  After finishing your article, I immediately bought you book. 

I married a man who is a real father in every sense of the word except biology...he taught my son things like "girls are for hugging, not for hitting" and "a real man is never afraid to show his mama that he loves her no matter who is around" and even though our marriage ended, he chose to keep being my sons dad including having him stand next to him when he remarried so my son would know he was still part of the family...my ex and I may not have been the perfect choice for ourselves, but he was the most perfect choice for my son

I am 60, and an adopted child.  My siblings and I were not physically mistreated. We were neglected. Such a fine line. We were all (8) separated. Do not believe in breaking the spirit but do believe in spanking the bottom. I have seen many who need a good swat also.  We have to love and teach that certain behavior is not acceptable in public.  At home they can go wild if it doesn't hurt anyone.  Kids today, often,  are not always taught respect for others and their property.  I do agree that the dad went over board.  Children are not adults.  They can not be adults.  Sometime I get tired of setting still my self.  But I can get up and excuse myself long enough to get a break from it.

..but what did you 'do' about this?

Bad stuff happens when people turn a blind eye, or see it and don't act. It's no good being angry and writing about it, you have to do something.

This is a child protection issue, we all as a society have a duty of care to notice and act on children we suspect are being badly treated. Instead of writing an  article you could have have raised your concerns about the child in question - spoken to management at the store so they could pass on images to the police, gone on record with the police about your concerns, spoken to other authorities, your equivalent of the nspcc we have in the UK.  These organisations will not mind if you tell them your concerns.  

I'm not having a go at you, please don't take it personally, but as a child I was the one the was badly treated and it must have been obvious to so many people (neighbours, school teachers, friend's parents, youth workers, etc) but nobody acted.  This is how abuse thrives.

Hey Dan, I am pleased to read that you were concerned for the little child.  I work as cashier in a major retailer and I agree with you that there are many parents who behave like the parent you describe.  And these days it is extremely difficult to know when to say something or not to say something.  So many parents just dont get it, as you say.  I am a mother of four, three boys and one girl.  Speaking for myself, I can a say that as my children were growing up in the 70's and 80's  and with me working full time and my husband working rotating shifts for over 30 yrs.  Our house was rarely a spic and span, spit shiny house.  90% of the time there were dishes in the sink, clothes to be washed, or folded, newspapers or toys all around, and dust bunnies seemed to be everywhere.  We had 2 of our boys playing sports nearly year round, so we were always on the go. Between practiced for soccer, baseball, scouts,  CCD for religiion classes and games on weekends anywhere within a 100 mile radius,  sometimes it felt too much.  But I am happy to report that each  of my four children remember the love, time spent taking them to practice, games, church and then to grandmas house after.  Parents do not have to give their children everything they want to prove their love.  

I have 9 grandchildren now and when i see them, nearly all of them want grandma to rub their back and will sit there for as long as I can move my arm.  All of my loves, my kids and grandkids know that they are loved more than anything in this world and i dont need to spend money to show them.  I JUST GIVE THEM ALL MY LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. ALL THE TIME.      I can tell you for sure that they have no doubts about their parents love or grandmas love.    It is amazing that dust bunnies dont eat much and if it doesnt stain anything dont sweat it. Our children grow up way too fast as it is,  ALL PARENTS SHOULD INDEED CHERISH THEIR GIFTS FROM GOD, you never know if you will have them tomorrow.  

Oh and right after I posted that I noticed my son was wearing a pink hair elastic on his wrist. When I asked my husband why he was wearing a bracelet he said "um, its an armband of power". So now my son is proudly wearing his pink armband of power :p

My husband is a wonderful dad. Our son is just 7 months old, but he adores his father. My husband is everything you said here. He is kind, gentle compassionate, humble and has a childlike spirit that not only encourages our little one, but joins him in his passionate exploration of his world. I will often find him sitting on the floor building a block tower for our son to knock over for the hundredth time (and laughing with him every time it falls) or hear him telling him how much he loves him and how proud he is of him. It makes me sad to think their are daddies who don't take time or seem to care, but it also makes me proud that my husband is so completely opposite from that. Oh and I should say that my dad was the same too. Perhaps thats why I had such high standard for my partner :)

Wow!! Fantastic article. I see it all the time. Between the lack of sleep and the constantly ill children, parents loose something and you just said perfectly. My hero "dad" is my husband. I am always amazed by his behavior toward our son, who is 2. I was the product of an abusive household and so was he. We were both told we wouldn't amount to anything, I was told constantly I was fat and would never find love and he was constantly berated for being overweight. We both suffered the words of our parents which destroyed our self-esteem and still hurts now that we are in our 30s. But when we were allowed our little miracle, our Samuel, after 6 years looking for him, we knew we had to do things different. We don't have everything figured out and every stage of his life represents new challenges for us, but we love him and want him to have a change to truly be himself without our interfering and imposing our nasty programming. We would have reached the moon if our parents would have "built" us up instead of "tearing us down"... and I do believe my husband in especial, and me can allow our son to reach it if he so wishes. Thanks for the article.

I agree with Joshua Anderson 2 - you should have done something to stop this abuse.  But I would like to know how to do it besides calling 9-1-1.  How does one detain and angry man?  I am a teacher and am mandated to look for abuse and report it.  It breaks my heart each time I have to do it  - but I do it.  However, I wouldn't know what to do if I saw this in a store.  We inform people about things to do to help others like CPR or the Heimlich maneuver but we don't tell people how to report and stop child abuse.  We report crimes but we don't report abuse.  Are we afraid of getting involved?  My BIGGEST question is what happened when that child got back home?   What happened behind closed doors when that angry father was so blatant in public?  How is that child now?  Is he still alive?

My dad was a great dad, he did a lot of things with me. He passed away almost 8 years ago and not a day goes by that I dont miss him.

Something to keep in mind for people who do this sort of thing to children. I am a security officer in a large hospital in the Denver area. If I saw someone pushing fingers into their child's collar bone until they winced in pain, I'd be detaining them for the police department and having them charged with child abuse. Just something to keep in mind when you think nobody will have the balls to step up.

That was my experience growing up. My father didn't touch me or tell me he loved me from the time I was 7 until I was 22 except in anger. I came out ok, but I still have issues trying to emotionally connect to other people. I am also desperate for approval from others. 

Thank you for saying what Ive wanted to say for so long. This breaks my heart and the frequency that I see it happening is even worse. 

People wonder why their children are mean? It's because they are angry and hurt and broken :(

Choose love.

Sarah

Thank you.  So sad!!  I hate witnessing events like these.  I have lost a child and it makes me so sad and angry when I see people who do not cherish their children.  Being a parent isn't easy, and I'm not saying I'm perfect, in fact, your post reminds me that I could benefit from spending more time playing with my kids and less time rushing around or cleaning or cooking, etc.  As far as commenting about a good dad....my husband is amazing.  He and my older daughter contrive complex pretend games and run around the whole house building forts, being animals, flying airplanes...somehow managing to include the baby in their games and make her laugh.  He is fantastic and I am thankful every day that my girls and I have him!  Thanks for writing this.  I hope it makes people think.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure the people guilty of this behavior will read it.  Mostly, it seems they are repeating a pattern of how their parents treated them.  It's a hard thing to break. I hope that little boy finds help somewhere.

Thank you!  I just want to say that my husband is a good, gentle, and loving dad to our children.  I am so grateful!

Great story. Important points. I read this post quickly first, looking for the part where you intervene somehow. Then I read it again, slowly, because I figured I missed it. Darn.

Next time please say something. "Are you okay?" You can be polite. (I hope you weren't planning this post while watching such horror.)

It's tough to intervene. It's tough to say something nice or calm or what-not to someone who appears to be an abuser. But it's possible, and it might have surprisingly positive results.

I think if someone could do this they would.  If they don't it is because they didn't get it themselves.  

My husband is an awesome father.  Not perfect, but almost always loving, patient, playful and adoring of our twin 2 year olds.  He really takes the time, puts in the effort and beams with affection and appreciation of their wisdom and talents.  He works harder at being a father than any other father I know.

Beautifully and wonderfully written! Of course this applies to mothers as well as fathers, married or single!!! Honestly I have never heard of you before, but a friend of mine shared this on her Facebook page and I read it out of curiosity because of the title. I NEEDED to read this!!! I am ashamed to admit that I get rather impatient with my 3 year old for not listening and doing things that I have repeatedly told her not to do. I get angry when the ensuing spills or broken items are littering the floors, furniture, walls and even sometimes the ceiling (don't ask!!!). I have been told time and time again that I am too hard on her...but I struggle with this because I really don't know any other way. This is how I was raised myself, and it's all I know. I spent my youth craving my parents' approval and vying for their attention by getting into trouble. At times I still find myself seeking their approval and I feel horrid when I don't meet their standards. I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO EVER FEEL THIS WAY!!!!! It is not my intention to "break" her and I was not aware that I was.....until now. Sometimes it is very difficult to be calm and collected and to be the voice of reason, but I am sure going to try!!!! Thank you very much for the wake up call!!!!

As much as it hurts me that dads do this but. Also I would like to say that my younger brother is a single dad and i am very proud of him but his ex is very abusive mentally to there 2.5 year old she only comes around when its good for her and she has made it quite clear that she has moved on with her new family . She left her lil boy here with her ex and didnt want to have anything to do with him its been almost 2yrs she has been gone . So anyway sometimes woman can be just as bad if not worse because they are supposed to have this never ending bond with there child not just toss them aside and see them when it is covenant 

Bravo. As a bereaved parent, I have wanted to yell this at the top of my lungs. Cherish your children and help them become everything you hope they can be. Take the time to play and encourage their imaginations. Hugs, lots of hugs are good for you both. 

I was raised by a superhero dad, single father for some of that, most loving dad in the whole world EVER.  Yes, he had faults, but none that mattered to me.  He walked on water; still does.  Sometimes, the answer to the ice cream question was "no", but it was never harsh.

The man I chose to father my children seemed like a good dad at the time.  He loved the kids.  It took me years to realize that how he treated me was abuse to them as well.  My kids real father, the man who is here for them day in and day out, who patiently teaches them and plays silly games with them and does goofy dances for them and loves their mother wholeheartedly did not contribute any DNA to them.  But they'll tell you, I'll tell you, and anyone else who knows us will also tell you that he is their REAL DAD.

Your words here are so true.  I thank you for your honesty and forthrightness.  As for the "courage" to tell that man off, it wouldn't have ended with him thanking you anyway.  It likely would've made the boy's day worse once they left the store.  I think you spared the boy another slight by his father.  You have a good heart.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

You really are such an inspiration, Dan. Thank you! I am a mom of 2 beautiful boys (one of whom loved the color pink until someone told him it's a girl's color) and so guilty of some of the things you mentioned. Yes, this is something both dads and moms are guilty of all over the world... And I find it so powerful that you are speaking your truth to other dads as a dad.... I guess because moms often talk to & with other moms about what they think is or isn't right, but I haven't heard or seen many dads doing the same. There is a comraderie between dads that can only happen between dads, yet it seems too often to remain superficial. Thank you for being anything but superficial!!

Wow. You just gave me a kick in the face with this post. I'm so guilty of this. Sometimes I get so caught up with what I'm doing that I neglect my fantastic four. We consider ourselves good parents but so many of the things you mentioned hit right on the nail and I want to thank you for writing this because it gave me perspective as to what is really important. How the things we see as a big deal are nothing but minute. I'll have my husband read it and I know he will feel the same way.

I'm almost 30 years old and I must say I have an amazing dad. Sure, he is/was not perfect, by any means. He is full of ticks, weird things and blatant mistakes. But he is incredible, and I do love him with all my heart. We used to sit down together and make new clothes for my pink and purple My Little Pony toys. He also taught me how to lift heavy things (such as big boxes an water bottles), check the oil in my car and change a tire. Cause, you know, little girls are not princesses. Little girls are supposed to grow up to become women, and so he did his best to prepare me so I could take care of myself. I do love dads and truly believe that are some amazing ones out there. :)

As a mother of two beautiful daughters, I THANK YOU for this post.  It is VERY powerful and it was difficult to get through it but I did and am so grateful to you for your words. 

As a mom, this is a powerful article.  Too many times I find myself distracted and not giving my beautiful son and daughter the attention that they so desperately need.  But I do know that it gives my son an incredible amount of joy to sit on my lap while we read a book; to go on walks together; to run around outside like wild hooligans; to help mix batter in the kitchen; to know that I have been listening to him talking about cars; to help hold his baby sister.  I know that my son adores his dad who makes a point of having "grand adventures" with just the two of them like making blanket forts and playing at the special pirate ship playground.  I know that there is nothing in the world that calms my seven week old daughter like laying pressed against my bare skin.  This wonderful post is encouragement to keep paying my children the attention they need and to look for more ways in which I can show my children that I love them!

This is very well said and a lot of what I would say to someone myself...I am a single Mom and have raised my Son his entire life on my own..his so called father has not been a very positive person in anyway in my Son's life he has always been very belittling and he is a control freak. It is a long story but my Son and I would not even be here today if it were not for the grace of God and our guardian angles because we both almost died at the hands of my EX when my Son was 8 months old, I truly believe in miracles and guardian angles because that day as I held my son in my arms and in his anger he shoved me with no regard to the safety of his own child(or me) and I had no way to grab anything to stop us from falling backwards down the basement stairs, all I could think about was how was I going to save my Son from this horrible fate..that is when I felt multiple hands on my back pushing us back up and some how I got my ex out of the house and locked the door and the battle did not end there as I fought for divorce and he stalked us and threatened to kill me and make me disappear etc etc etc all the while never caring what would happen to our child(I mean he even stole the battery out of my vehicle and other things). Then when he would finally have visitation with our Son not until he was 1 1/2 years old (and to our Son he was a total stranger it was horrifically traumatic for the first time our Son had to go it was horrible one of the absolutely most difficult things I ever had to do was walk away and leave him with someone I feared would kill him out of spite and the courts did not care the permanent mental damage this would do to my child, the permanent fear and feelings of insecurity my Son will endure) I feared every time something horrible would happen even though he had to have supervised visitation, but he would only take our Son then drop him with his Sister and then go out partying..again it was only to hurt me had nothing to do with wanting to spend time with our Son, even before we were going through our divorce he would not want to spend any time with our Son and the 2 weeks he took off from work supposedly to be there for me and our baby after we came home from the hospital well every time I asked for him to watch the baby so I could maybe take a quick shower for example his response was"I only have 2 weeks off and I am tired I need to sleep". I feel a lot of men and there are even women just do not want to give their time to anyone else they are too focused on their own wants...very selfish and self centered and no one better get in their way and if that is the case then they should first of all never get in a relationship let alone have an intimate relationship where a child may be conceived because if they are not able to give of themselves to others than they should not use others for their own self gratifications and/or not pretend to be one way in order to get what they want and then once they have what they want then turn into a evil mean person and hate the person they pretended to want. I know it is probably not nice but I wish my EX would have kept his word on one thing he had said"That he would just go away and disappear and then I could struggle to raise our son my self" Which I have raised him myself just fine (he has never paid much in child support if he paid at all most times and would complain if he got behind and would get the past amount due excused some how but then would brag to his friends that he pays for everything when he pays for nothing what a joke)but in the times my ex would be bothered to spend any time with our Son it was always pretty damaging and it took a lot on my part to get my Son's self esteem built back up or to un do the damage his so called father would do. There is so much more to the story but.....anyway we have survived through a lot my Son and I and if his father takes him for a visit I still will stand strong in defense of my Son's self esteem and well being etc for example..my EX thinks it is funny and a joke to call our Son a Maggot...Well I tell him right there to stop calling him that and that it is not funny nor a joke and that is not even a nick name....and I tell him can't you see how that makes your Son feel? can't you see it in his face???? it has taken a few times but he finally got it through his head that is was NOT funny nor a joke and that it DOES hurt....Also if I see someone, being as you described in your story, to their child guess what! I say something most times because to me it is a form of bullying and I despise bullying..I was bullied in school because of my Mom being a teacher and I was bullied/abused by my ex.....I will be damned if my Son was going to live that not only from his so called father but I also pulled him out to Home School him because of ignorant bullies at school and the school did nothing about it and my Son was talking about wishing he was dead at the age of 8.  But I also worry when I do say something if I in turn might have made things worse for the child because I also know what it is like behind the scenes living with an abusive controlling person they like to then punish the person who so called caused them to be embarrassed even though it was their own ignorant actions that caused themselves to be embarrassed. 

Hello! This is a powerful material. I am a 24 yr girl. That has been through the same experience many times as a child from the both parents. I have worked with kids for 10 yrs and never ever acted like my parents not cuz i was payed to be a good babysitter or a nanny,but because i know how much power the things that my parents did ,said  or didn't do and did not say to me have in my live even now. I do not want to be that rolling ball. But my point of view on this is that this parents are individuals and two of them happen to be my parents are in great need of education. I love and am so happy you write this need books. But those kind of parents maybe never were encouraged to read, buy books,or look up at your blog.What can we do for those parents that don't know how to change? That never were instructed how to improve ? That Father you saw at Costco may have belittle when he was at the same age of his son, but no one did what you did today when you saw him being harmful to his child? Isn't that sad he was a gift to his Father to many years ago when some one like you saw and witnessed but did or could not do anything about it. My point is this Parents are in a great need of being educated,taught that is a better way for them to be happy for themselves and be a great Father to their children. I think this material should be printed and send as a gift to those neighbors where we all know this happens with a smile that we are there to help this parents be better individuals for themselves first.God wants us to love our fellow men first, but our first fellow men is our-self. You are Father that loves himself and his son and daughter . He is a Father that has not yet learned that lesson yet. I am not trying to protected that Father from what he has done, because i would have been the first one at the Costco trying to take the child from him. But let's find the root of the problem and all together trying to heal it.  

Thank you ! 

My goodness, cheers to you for writing this. BRILLIANT. I am so privileged to be married to a highly successful man whose greatest passion is parenting. He makes our children breakfast in the morning, speaks in loving and kind tones (mom? well she's a work in progress.) attends all their activities and spends HOURS a day teaching, playing, and loving them. He is wonderful. Our three children are beyond blessed. There's still some good ones out there. :)

I think people who criticizes Dan for not standing up for the child are very thoughtless.

Parents like the one he described would only blame the child for any 'humiliation/unpleasantness' that happens to them. If Dan really stood up to the father, the most likely thing to happen to the child at the home is a session of intensive abuse. Abusers do not feel responsible for their own behaviours.

Also, the Dad's actions described in the article are not really severe enough for the law to put him behind bars. The father would get nothing more than a warning. All it would have accomplished was to give the father another excuse to abuse the child, on the line of: 'If you were a good child, this would not have happened!'

I grew up with similar experiences. However much I wished that someone else could have stood up for me, I also know that there really was nothing for Dan to do in the situation. The only thing he could do by himself is to try to appeal to all parents to really think about the effect their actions/words have on their children.

I can honestly say I am blessed with an amazing Dad.I did get yelled at and spanked as a kid (nothing I didn't deserve).From this I learned right/wrong, yes/no, I learned how to treat those around me.I can say I was quite a handful as a child inqusitive&energetic,my Dad had patience even when things were going horribly wrong in other places.Never once did I feel small belittled and broken.When I hear or see fathers as described above sometimes I will remain quiet and not say anything,but i will try to catch the kids eye and give him a smile of reassurance so that they know not everyone is like that,in some cases I have become vocal and made a comment about how we need licenses to drive cars but some people really need to have one to be able to take care of kids.I've had it backfire and the father makes comments to me or tries to intimadate me I just kindly remind him that in a store there are camera's and if you can do this with people around then what do you do at home? They aren't used to a someone standing up,someone who has no fears of calling the cops.My Father and I have a great relationship,we'll go out for coffee or go grocery shopping together. He's my Dad we tell jokes,we dicuss/argue about everything.We can spend a whole day drinking countless pots of tea, talking listening to music and cooking. He is my Dad- he is my friend.

This reminds me so much of my husband. I could not have chosen a better husband or father of my child. He is the most caring, thoughtful, hands-on dad I have ever seen. He's always so aware of what he says to her, how he gets on to her, how he carries himself around her, how he handles her. He always plays with her and tells her he loves her. Even I have learned from him. If she does something wrong, or something she knows she's not suppose to do, a lot of the time I let him handle the situation, because he does it in the perfect manner. I idolize him for the way he is to our daughter. It's nice to know there are other men out there that do the same. Thank you for this, it makes me realize how appreciative I am of my husband!

<3 It couldn't be said any better. And moms need to hear this too. Its too easy to forget in the day to day struggle to provide for your children, that your first job is to LOVE them and raise them to be the best person you can think of. I am in awe of my children daily. But I also get way too frustrated sometimes about temporary "oops" or "for the hundredth time..." moments. Thank you for writing this. And your article on Real Dads Dont Leave. They're perfect! 

I love your page, man. Absolutely love coming here. My brother and I were children left behind by our biological father, left to be scooped up by our mother's childhood sweetheart and second husband, with whom she is still married. The shadow father made few small efforts to visit with us and when we did, he left us at his mother's house. My mom's husband, "Pops" to me and my brother, took us in and defended us as his own, taught us right from wrong, the difference not only in being good or not, but DOING good or not, how to love, and how to be loved. As my first marriage was a failure, I too ended up father of divorce, but my son learned from me as I learned from Pops, rather than from bio-dad. I agree with most of what you blog about, keep it comin, man!

I started crying as I got to this. It was like flashbacks to my own childhood. We were to be seen and not heard and every toe stepped out of line was a mark on our father's image, an image he took more pride in than his own children. I'm one of four kids, the only one of us four that still has anything to do with our father for this reason. My siblings do not feel the need to be persecuted by a man who is supposed to, by all accounts, protect them first and foremost. It saddens me that more people do not nurture their children. Very beautiful post!

This article just made me start crying because I thought about one of the best dads that I have ever known (besides my own) and the fact that he just passed away from cancer this year :( I don't understand why life works the way it does but it killed me to see the pain in his 7 year old sons face and how his 3 year old daughter didn't really know what was going on. I didn't see him too often, only at family parties on holidays, but he was so invested in his children. He would always be sitting with them on his lap, playing with them, or just being a really funny guy joking around with them. I remember one particular time that his son was jumping around with joy (on christmas eve after opening gifts) and something fell off the table in the room. His mother thought it was because he was jumping so she said "Don't do that!". She wasn't being mean or anything but then his dad said "It wasn't his fault" and gave his son a big hug. We need more parents like him in this world. It kills me how such a kind soul can be taken from his kids just like that. His son wouldn't even come out of the childrens room at his fathers wake, and his mom said he had been in his room refusing to talk to anyone for weeks, and he didn't understand why his dad wouldn't be coming back. Now I can't stop crying, but I just hope other people can see how fragile life is and hopefully make every second with your loved ones count. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

This shouldn't just pertain to dads...I've seen several mothers do it as well... :( 

I wish my parents were anything like you. Except now they are in jail instead. I don't think they ever realised i'm a child with emotions and stuff and not just a toy or a pet.  Your post made me think. 

Hi Dan - your article reminded me to stop everything and send a note to my husband THANKING him for being such a great Dad.  Needless to say, not perfect, but aware and trying.  His own family of origin was not safe; there was neglect and abuse and he has had to work hard to make his own parenting style match what is in his heart as the behaviors haven't come naturally.  The sign on our fridge says "It is easier to build strong children than t repair broken men." - Frederick Douglass.  That is my husband's mantra and his story - his own journey to healing - at 50 - is still very incomplete. The reminders and specifics of what loving looks like you set out in your writing are critical.  We can choose to break the cycle.