Bullies. “their not even human”

It is a terrible tragedy.  And it can't continue.  My voice about it is here http://toriabipolar.blogspot.ca/2012/04/bullied-teens.html

I think part of the problem might be that loving someone usually implies being sweet to them and not giving them consequences. As in, if we treat the bullies with love, then they will get away with what they do.

I think this is the opposite of how we love bullies. Teachers and parents need to hold all students to an extremely high standard of behavior and decency, and mete out clear and proportional punishments for bad behavior. And then tell the kids when they are grounded, or held in at recess, or suspended, that they are being punished because they are not behaving at their full potential of human decency. That the adults in their lives know that they can behave with love, kindness and compassion, and that it is disappointing that they are not doing so, which is why they are being punished. If kids hear "I know that you are a better person than the way that you are behaving right now, and I believe that you are amazing and capable of kindness and compassion" rather than "You are bad and being punished for being bad," they will take that more to heart.

My little brother (11) is bullied so incredibly much at school, his entire class calls him L____ no touch, and refuse to touch him, he has no friends and the teachers do nothing about the nicknames. he comes from a dysfunctional family where I (22 yr old sister) raise him as best as i can. we tried moving him to a different school for a few months and he made a few friends and that was great, until they tried to get him into bullying another kid and he refused, then his 'friends' started bullying him and the kid he stood up for did too but this little 11yr old took it all in stride, whilst my anger towards these insensitive children welled up and my heart broke for L i asked him if he regrets standing up for this other kid now that it means he's the one being bullied again and he looked at me with absolute disbelief and said No. he explained that he could never wish what he experiences daily on someone else, even if it meant he didn't have to endure it anymore. I've never been so proud in my life. He also mentioned he feels sorry for those bullies that they feel they have to be mean, and surely if my little brother can feel sorry for those who persecute him surely i can get past the anger and disappointment i feel for them to a point where i can love them too.

A few months ago a 13 year old killed himself because he was being bullied at school. His older sister went to the same school and attended the school dance. The kids that bullied him chanted "we're glad you're dead" among other things. At the dance. I'm ashamed to say that as soon as I read that news article I wanted to smack those kids to a bloody pulp; I wanted their parents to beat the respect of a human life into them. John Green (author and half of the vlogbrothers) talks about our need to imagine each other complexly. We as humans fail to see that other people hurt, love, care, or even experience things. We either elevate then to sainthood or dismiss them as animals without realizing they are just like us, trying to accomplish the same things. We are all just trying to get by in a world that on a good day is at least chaotic.

Children are born neither good nor evil, but complete ciphers and learn greedily from the get go how to survive. They are manipulative (because they MUST be, they cannot speak our language), they are very selfish, and they cannot but learn from their caretakers (Mom, Dad, Nanny, Day-Care provider) how to become what society accepts. Sadly, what society accepts is FAR less than true potential. Society accepts whatever works with the least effort. You have heard of the survival of the fittest, but you must know that this is inherently untrue. If survival of the fittest really actually was the way that things worked, there would be no imperfection, everything would be extremely fit for this place in time. In actuality, it is survival of the lowest-common-denominator. This is true for any system, and society is just a very complex system. In fact, the more complex the system, the more lowest-common-denominator rules. We need to teach our kids to be GOOD, not just nice. They WILL NOT figure this out on their own. They will get worse. In Physics, this is called entropy. In a closed system (lets use school for the system!!), entropy will either remain constant or it will increase. To keep kids from experiencing the entropy of the lowest-common-denominator, you MUST open the system and add what is needed - and I second Dan, here, and say that what is needed is love. Now, this is the most difficult thing, giving love. Possibly second only to saying NO to a child. But young children must hear that word, just as much as they must hear and FEEL love. Experience it. I am not as good a writer as Dan, and I tend to write from the palpitations of my heart, which when it beats as fast as it has been after reading this, tends to ramble and lose track of where it is. And I never know where to jump off...

I was genuinely horrifed to see the hateful, angry comments that some people posted. My own little sister was bullied when she was 12 years old just after she transferred into a public junior high school. She would come home every single afternoon crying, and one afternoon she asked my mom the most amazing thing I have ever heard out of a kid's mouth, "Mom, why is M*****y so sad that she needs to be mean to me? Isn't anybody nice to her?"
If a TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD can get past the fact that she is being hated and taunted every day at school, if that CHILD can look past her own pain and feel for the pain of the child who is hurting her, why can't grown adults do the same?

I agree with what you say, but I'd like to point out that not all bullies are hurting. Plenty of bullies, bully people because they can get away with it, they're bored, it provides something to do, they can get a laugh out of it. I was permanently scarred by a girl who bullied me in elementary/middle school, and she had a great life. The exact reason she bullied me? She was bored and I made an easy target. It was fun for her. She got a kick out of it. These kinds of bullies are still human, of course, and I'd never think of dehumanizing them, but they're nowhere near the kid you described in your post, the one who was hurting as much inside as the kids they bullied. Telling this girl who bullied that she's loved won't help much because she knows that, and to her it has nothing to do with the people she's bullying. She bullied because it was fun and she was bored. How do I know this, have such intimate knowledge of what went on in her life? I was her best friend. For a while. Sounds cheesy, right? It wasn't. Not for me. Not when I can't dig up these memories without getting really upset. Yes, I know she's a person with feelings - it never crossed my mind to dehumanize her. I'd love to "get over" it, but I can't do that. I don't want to make her go through what I did (although I admit I wouldn't be too sorry if she did.) I want to sit down and make her listen, tell her just what she did to me, make her understand. Bullies shouldn't be dehumanized, but they shouldn't get off easy for what they did either (she didn't even get in trouble; her parents weren't informed and she remained a favorite among the staff and principal.) Have some basic compassion for them as human beings, maybe; but no matter whether they're bullying for the rush or whether they also have their own problems and are hurting inside, it NEVER - I repeat NEVER - excuses bullying. Ever. This was already posted, but this phrase applies: "Bullying is child abuse, but by another child". Child abusers are human, too, but they're still the scum of the earth. I'm not equating children to have the moral standards of adults (although I certainly had enough empathy at 7 not to bully as much as some people do at 17), but at 13 (that was "her" age when she bullied me) most kids should be able to realize that you don't make people hurt just because you get a kick out of it. It's wrong, selfish, and abusive, and no matter what issues the bully may have personally (although mine didn't have many, she just did it for fun), they need to understand that what they did is inexcusable, period.

I think this comment may seem a bit repetitive, but I feel like you're saying, in your post, pretty much, that "if you give a bully a hug they'll stop bullying". Or that all bullies have issues of their own and that's why they bully, and that that makes it excusable. That may not have been your point, though. But either way, bullying is never OK.

"their not even human"

Excuse me? Did you seriously just dehumanize someone who is in as much real pain as someone you love? Would you tell your child that because they're in pain and snapped at you for trying to talk to them that, "their not even human"? No, you wouldn't. So what gives you the right to hate someone so much as to utterly destroy any and all hope they have of becoming a better person.

If you want to claim to be an adult, act like it. Or, if you want to be weak and expand the problem with inhumanity, please, stay the hell away from me. I don't believe that anyone deserves to have their humanity stripped from them like that. I also do not believe anyone has the right to strip humanity away like that.

You want a classic example of someone thinking they had the right to dehumanize people? His name was Adolf Hitler and it's complacency and inhumanity like those words display that could lead us to being blissfully blind when real injustice happens. We all know what Hitler did was wrong, but the reason he did it was because in his mind, "their not even human".

It may sound extreme and harsh, but those words are no less harsh or extreme. Do we really want to be looked upon as a generation that exacerbated bullying by pushing bullies to do what they do? Do you know how many of these kids are abused at home. Beaten or raped by people that should be the ones to care for them the most? And here you are, so high and mighty telling them they deserve it. Get off your high horse and tackle the problems leading to these words in your own life. None of us are immune to pain. Please, do not believe these words.

"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity."
George Bernard Shaw

Dehumanizing anyone means you're already indifferent.

Bullies are criminals and THEY do not need love. I agree with Veteran that THEY need to be whipped and whipped harshly. I do not feel sorry for those thugs and may they rot in hell.

It is so true that the bullies are hurting. I have said it many times that those who are hurting others, are hurting themselves. My 10 year old daughter has been bullied for being too smart. Crazy right! She skipped a grade and has been told that she really is just a 4th grader (she is about to graduate 5th grade). She is in AIG classes and has won her school's Spelling Bee 3 years in a row and is tormented for this. You are right, teachers don't want to deal with it and they don't. I had to call a meeting last year to deal with some issues. One of those issues being the bully of a teacher she had. Anyway, this year my beautiful daughter has had one boy in particular who has tormented her in homeroom, on the playground, in the lunch room and on the bus. She can't get away from him. After she came home one day and, again, told me what this kid said to her that day, I told her that he was probably very angry or upset about something going on elsewhere in his life and because he is hurting, he wants to make others hurt and, unfortunately, my daughter is that person. My daughter said to me, "Mom you are right! A couple of months ago I overheard him telling another kid about how his Dad punches him around and his Mom doesn't do anything and still makes him go visit his Dad." I knew my hunch about this kid was right. Now, my daughter understands it, too. On the day she heard him say this, my daughter even tried to talk to him about it and be compassionate but, of course, he shot off his mouth and made her feel less of a person. My daughter grew in that moment when we made the connection that bullies are people who are hurting. She knows that is it NOT ok for him, or anyone, to bully her or anyone else but she also has some compassion for him. As a parent, it is hard for me to have compassion for a kid who is so mean to my child but if my child can have that compassion, so can I.

I was mercilessly bullied during middle school about my terrible overbite. I was told I was ugly, and "Even after you have braces, no one will like you because you're ugly." I stayed in the same school system until junior high, where by that time my teeth were straight and perfect.
In high school, I went to a private school. I was not super popular, but I had a lot of friends. I had more male frends than female. I did go back to the public school system I had previously attended for one year of school, my junior year. I was made fun of for having "big teeth," the same big teeth all the models in the magazines had. What made mine different? Seemed I could never win.
My 16 year old tells me stories of kids being bullied at her school, and how she sticks up for them. This makes me so pround I could burst.

What timing for a post such as this. A friend of mine just had to send her daugther to live with an aunt out of state to stop the bullying. The teachers did nothing. The school did nothing. The mother bought a rental house in another district so child could attend a different school. The school board forced her to return to the school where the gang of bullies were, and things only got worse. The school board did nothing. They did not protect this child, even with email and text proof, nothing was done. My friend had to make the excruciating decision to send her child away for her own protection and to help her find her own confidence and self worth again. Can you imagine having to give up your child and not see her for weeks or months because NO ONE would do anything to stop the bullying. It saddens my very soul to imagine having to make a choice like that simply because no student, no teacher, no principal, no school board member would do anything to stop the bullies.

Bullies as you can see wont change until THEY realize they are terrorizing their peers and causing pain. as i read about the 14 yr old, this is what i realize. NO ONE can change them but themselves, sometimes they need someone to talk to about their problems(their own age) as an adult i have not respect for the people that bullied me to get me mad, I have half a mind to contact the wife one of the guys that bullied me(who stood up for me ironically) and have her ask why did he and why did i never get an apology..... Bullies you need to change for you are messing with someone's self esteem and self image. it's NOT right. show me you CAN change and be the human being you are and i will believe in you. Having faith that someone can change is hard when they dont do it...

When a bully tells you nasty things - ignore them. (You say you can not ignore them? Then you are weak. Weak for lacking the will to overthrow your worthless emotions and stop caring what other people say.)
When a bully starts pushing you around, wait till they turn their back and then grab an steel pipe.

Bullies lack intelligence. Thererefore their decisions are dominated by emotions and instinct, mainly instinct, for if they had emotion they would have empathy and then they would not bully. The only way to teach a beast that acts on instinct is with violence. Consider wild dogs. The status of alpha male is governed by nothing more than physical strength. A bully is worth no more than this. Therefore the only way to teach them is through power.

Bullies do not speak words but with fists - do not respond with loving arms, but with weapons.

I may be speaking due to emotions that have been locked away for ages, or the fear that my son will, too, be bullied.
I was bulled in junior high school. It started in 7th grade. My "friends" started calling me fat. Not just fat. A whale. A pregnant whale. A pregnant beached whale. They'd follow me around yelling to everyone to move over because I "took up the whole hall". They'd yell "save the whales" as loud as they could when I walked by.
At that time I had turned to not eating, and cutting.
They made a list of 101 reasons I should kill myself. They printed it out, and distributed it around school.
I had gone to teachers, my mom, school counselors. They all told me to just ignore them. I did get lucky with the school counselors, though. They told them to stop. That's it "stop".

All these years, I still want them to go through what I did. I want them to feel the pain of working out for hours on end after not eating for three days. I want them to know what it's like to have soap in the shower get into the healing self inflicted wounds. I want them to know how the pain of getting their stomach pumped from taking too many pills in attempt to end it. I want them to know how it is to cry and cry and cry because everyone, including teachers, just watch it.
I, still, wish death on them. Mainly the ring leader. I go to her Facebook profile every few months hoping I see a post that she'd died in some horrible accident.

In some cases, bullies can be saved. But in other cases, like this one, they can't. She openly told the school counselor in a group session that she liked to see me cry. It was "funny", and they competed with each other to see what remarks would make the cut the deepest. Try telling me that all they needed was a hug, and my life would have been better. Those people were FRIENDS to start with. I did give them hugs, they did have someone to come to, they did have someone who told them they mattered.

I just got off the phone when the principal of my kindergartner's school. We were talking about the boy that's bullying my son. He's calling him names and now he has threatened him. My heart is broken. This principal shared more than she should have with me.
This boy's grandparents have just gotten custody of him. He heard, felt and saw things that no child should. He was taken from that into a situation that while loving, is new.
He's not nice to anyone at school, but is anyone being nice to him? Has anyone said, "hey! sit next to me! Share my snack! Come for a play date!"
I'm relieved that this is all being dealt with in a way that protects my son. I'm also relieved that it's being taken care of in a way that will help this little boy. My heart is broken for two little boys today.

P.S. I meant to post a link to "Bully Dance" and accidentally posted it my my own site instead. OOps!

Here is the proper link to watch the full 10 minute video from the NFB site. It is very well done, simple and extremely poignant.
http://www.nfb.ca/film/bully_dance

My recent post Ti-Jean Goes Lumbering

I was bullied; I was bullied at 10 separate schools across 10 separate cities and two separate provinces, over 8 years of my life.

My older cousins taught me how to fight off my bullies when I was in grade 4. They taught me how to throw a solid punch, how to land a good hard kick and how to take a few cheap shots (if necessary). From grade 4 until grade 11 I did the following damage to my bullies; 3 broken noses, 1 broken finger, countless chunks of hair ripped out, several broken toes, over 30 black eyes and swollen lips, dozens of shoves into ditches/fences/walls/lakes or whatever...it goes on and on and on.

NOT ONCE did this stop my bullying. NOT ONCE did it make me feel proud of myself, or better about my situation. It did, however, justify the bullying and cause it to become increasingly worse and more painful (both physically and emotionally). It did cause more kids to join in the bullying, or to justify the actions of their bully peers. It probably started the bullying in a few new schools, when I overreacted to a harmless comment or lashed out at a joke meant to test me out rather than to cause actual harm.

I know that it caused some peers, in some schools, to remember me as being the bully rather than the groups of children who tormented me for being a "scrub", "welfare", "loser", "ugly bitch", "four eyes", "whore" (I did not even know what it meant for years), "worthless" and so on and so on. I cannot believe that these people from my past do not remember a group of kids circling me, throwing half drunk juice boxes at my body, spitting on my face, pushing me around but they do remember me picking the biggest of the group and beating him up so badly that he was not in school for a week following. These people I went to school with for several months, remember me being such an angry and hostile little girl that they were not only too scared to ever come and talk to me, but also too scared to talk to my little brother (because I had no qualms about beating up his bullies either).

I had lost touch with my humanity, and I was treated less and less human for it.

I'm not saying that because of my retaliations I deserved the future bullying or deserved for it to become increasingly worse. I am definitely saying that fighting back was NOT the right way to deal with it.

To rub salt in the wound, I have to deal with these aggressive tendencies to this day. I have lost jobs, relationships and friends because my first reaction to emotional pain is always to lash out at my "attacker".

It has taken me over 10 years of counseling and therapy in order to learn how to control my nuclear temper. I have to fight myself every single day, to this day, in order to maintain a positive and loving home with my Husband and two beautiful daughters.

I spent ALL of my formative and most influential years teaching myself how to retaliate against pain with hate, and I will deal with the consequences of that training for the rest of my life.

By fighting my bullies, beating my bullies with hate and anger rather than with any kind of humanity I damaged a necessary part of myself. My bullies bruises and the lasting pain of their hurtful words has done a minuscule amount of damage to my heart and my psyche compared to the permanent handicap I have caused within my own empathic abilities.

Maybe bullies deserve to feel pain, but we should never teach our children to rue their attackers.

I would rather watch my child be bullied every day for their entire grade school life; than to watch them collapse in a shaking ball of tears, anger and frustration because their 4 year old just called them a "stupid jerk" and the first thing your adult child wanted to do was pick up the love of their life, this small piece of their own soul and flesh, a person they would crawl across hot coals for, die for, and smack them in the face.

What if I taught my child to fight their bullies with hate and anger, and they grew up like me...but worse? What if they did not seek help right out of high school for anger management? What if they never recognized the demon inside of themselves, the demon I planted? What if my grandchildren were the next to be bullied, by a monster of my own creation?

I would never take that chance. I would never stand by as my child was bullied, but I would NEVER ask them to fight for themselves either. I most certainly would NEVER teach my child to hate another, when I could teach them how to love themselves instead.

My recent post Ti-Jean Goes Lumbering

Humans have a need to define evil in a way that makes it a trait that is apparent in some and not in others. Keeping a definition like this takes people off the “responsibility hook” that they can contribute to the conditions that create evil, or bullying, in this case (Zimbardo, The Lucifer Effect). Casting evil off as a separate entity is somewhat similar to dehumanization. Evil is different, therefore evil people are different and essentially not human.

Since the people responsible for bullying are truly just human, then dehumanizing (stripping them of human-like qualities) them is putting on a blinder to the fact that all humans are capable of bullying. Saying that they are less than human or not human at all is similar to saying that "real, good" humans are not capable of committing those acts. Furthermore, that they themselves are not capable of committing that act.

You are teaching about the love that Jesus taught about. And I think you are absolutely right. But, in our humanness, I don't know if loving the bullies is possible.

However, all things are possible with God. Those who have Jesus in their lives are the one who can, and should, love all people - even the bullies.

It's still difficult to do, though. I know because I was bullied too and even now, 20-some years later, it's a struggle not to hope ill had befallen those that hurt me. It's a part of life that is very difficult to submit to God and not take it back because it's such an integral part of who I became as an adult. But, Jesus said, we must love our enemies and pray for those who persecute (or persecuted) us. It's something I'm finally able to do to a degree (some hurts were much more brutal than others and those offenders I can't yet love or pray for - but we're working on it as God continues transforming my life), but only through the grace of God and the love of Jesus.

I wrote a less in-depth blog on bullying myself, back in November, if you're interested. http://thegozette.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/bullyi...

Pt. 2

I had the same experiences of boys taunting me. I would get boys asking me out on dates in junior high as a joke, and once when I asked a boy I liked to our high school's Turnabout dance, after he rejected me, he and his friends made up a rumor that my best friend and I were lesbian lovers.

All of this, I'm sure, increased my level of shyness and social awkwardness, and decreased my self-esteem. I remember feeling constantly depressed yet putting on a happy face, wishing that my classmates would die, and most of all, hating myself and wishing that I would die in my sleep just to end the suffering. I did have some teachers and school counselors who liked me, and a couple who consoled me, but never one who publicly stood up for me. My negative feelings carried on into my first years of college, where I had many horrible experiences with men due to my lack of self-esteem and ability to stand up for myself. I was depressed, suicidal, self-injuring and abused alcohol and prescription medications. At one point I became an insomniac and started skipping all my classes. I had no motivation to do well in school, and nobody in my family believed me that I was depressed, but instead thought I was just lazy. I dropped out of college and moved home, and it took me a long time, some counseling, and a couple other failed attempts at school and relationships to figure out what I really wanted to do and to accept myself for who I was.

It's taken some time, but I've learned to love myself and figured out that I am actually really smart and beautiful. I realize that I don't deserve any less than the best from the people around me. I am still very trusting and caring, and haven't allowed myself to become bitter. I still have my moments, but overall I am really happy. I've had great experiences that helped me explore myself more fully and grow into the person I really am- I went to school and got a degree in Fiction Writing and was able to live in Prague for three months through that program, and now I am going back to school to become a Vet Tech and I am doing really well in school and doing something I love.

I don't hold any ill-will toward my bullies- I don't associate with them, but I realize that they probably had their own internal struggles going on that caused them to lash out at the weakest victim they could find. Not that it's a good excuse, but it makes sense. I think schools should have bullying intervention programs, for both the bullied and the bullies. It's almost taboo for teachers to stand up for kids, as it has been for a long time. I think these kids need a deeper level of help dealing with their emotions rather than just being scolded, or being told that everything will be okay. All kids feel unsure of themselves and inadequate in some way, and they all express it in different ways, one of which happens to be bullying other kids who are "different." Some kind of counseling program needs to be put into place for bullies and kids who are bullied, but given the abysmal state of our schools, I fear that it won't happen.

Kudos to you for drawing attention to this issue and sharing your personal story. I hope we can help change things for future generations!

I can relate to this so very much. I read your post "Memoirs of a Bullied Kid" and saw myself in that story. I was bullied too, except for me, it started in kindergarten and went on through the end of high school. I went to Catholic school for all 13 years, but despite the morals of acceptance and love they were supposedly teaching us, not one teacher ever actively stood up for me. I was a friendly kid, a little shy, but eager to make friends and very trusting. So you can imagine how hard it was when, for some reason, all the kids I tried to make friends with either outright rejected me, or were friendly to me for a while and then inexplicably turned their backs on me and started taunting me right along with the others. The nice kids weren't mean to me, but they weren't friends with me either- they were friends with all the popular mean kids.

I don't know exactly what it was that made these kids target me. I was always creative and into drawing, writing, books, science and video games, and loved nature and animals. Maybe it was because I wasn't into fashion, makeup, hair, popular music or sports, or maybe it was because I was just an easy target. I got called ugly, gap-tooth, bubble-butt, stupid, weird, and was generally disregarded and avoided, unless someone needed help drawing something for a project. I was often the butt of cruel jokes and random taunts, and working on group projects was hell for me. Every once in a while I would give a retort to their mockery, but for the most part I just shrugged it off and internalized my feelings. I was friends with some younger kids and a few unpopular kids in my class, but the rest of my peers wanted nothing to do with me.

I remember when I was about 10, I went to a Girl Scout Lock-In at a camping lodge in Wisconsin. There were several different groups of Girl Scouts there of all different ages, all from my school. Our leaders sat us all in a big circle one evening, and told us that we were going to go around the circle and when it was each person's turn, we were supposed to say something nice about that person. When my turn came, there was dead silence for a whole minute. Then, to my horror, every single Girl Scout started laughing uproariously. Laughing. At me. I was crushed. One of my leaders stepped in and said, "Well, I think Julie has beautiful eyes." And that was it. We moved on to the next person.

There was one day, also when I was about 10, where I poured out my feelings to my mom. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and sobbing about how everyone was mean to me and all the kids in my class hated me for no good reason. She tried to comfort me, saying that of course they didn't hate me, they were just jealous of me and that's why they were being mean (parents, don't use this on your kids. It doesn't work, it isn't true, and has no consolation value whatsoever). She tried, and got frustrated when she couldn't make everything better. Her parting remark was, "Fine, maybe everyone does hate you!" as she walked into the next room. I never came to her for consolation again, and instead retreated into my own fantasy world. I drew and read and played video games on my Game Boy to escape. I let my schoolwork fall to the wayside- I have a learning disability that I never got help for, which made school hard enough, and the bullying on top of that sapped any will I had left to try. I squeaked by with decent grades and an intense hatred of school.

Dear Dan,
Thank you so much for this post. It is true, bullies need love. My poor mother was so verbally and emotionally abusive. But my mother is not evil like my Dad says. He used to hit her and treat her like she was the lowest thing on earth. She is extremely hurt. I keep trying to tell her that I love her. I keep hoping and praying to God that one day she will believe that she is loved and more importantly that she is loveable. I pray for my Dad every day because I love him. What he did and is doing is horrible but I wish he would stop because he is hurting himself so much! He has no idea how much it hurts me to see him in pain! My parents both hurt each other and their children because they did not feel loved by their parents who did not feel loved by their parents. It is a horrible, vicious cycle. My brothers spread more of the hurt that they were hurting from on me. I do not understand why people think that they can stop pain with more pain. Hearing from people like you who fight hatred and hurt with love and healing give people like me hope for the future.

We are guilty of being the aggressor here. America tends to want to stand by and watch. When Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted during a recent lecture, people took pictures, rather than get help, ask if he was okay. My husband carried me nearly half naked through a minor flood in Norfolk, Va. No one asked if we were okay. No one cared to find out about a broken ankle. They took pictures. We need to stop the cycle. We need to START caring. So many people assume somebody else called, someone else stopped to help... BE that someone else!
If we haven't been bullied, we were the bulliers. We have all send unkind words. We have all managed to hurt someone's feelings somewhere along the lines, caused tears, been too harsh. We've all had it happen to us. It is HARD to be good, kind. It is easy to be BAD. We must be the answer to our own folly. We MUST be the advocate for change.

I agree with what you have said. Though I was tortured as a child, as an adult I can realize that they were kids who had problems that to do this day I'm not aware of. Most people that do bad things have had bad things happen to them or are hurting inside. Like your previous post stated, people who love themselves do not hurt other people. I can definitely get beyond that. I have an 8 year old brother who receives so much love from us, but I would be crushed if he was a bully or was being bullied. I hope he never knows that pain.

I am sorry for all the victims out there. I am an advocate for victims and not bullies. So the only thing I can say is showing love will only work oif the bully is a christian but does not have the social skills. So showing love can turn a bully to repentace if they are a christian. If the bully is not a christian then love won't work. So I guess I am trying to say as christians yes we need to show love but we cant continue to be abused, even though some christians think we need to,so try other alternatives to the bully. We cant give up hope and we never know if the bully will become a chritstian so first try love and sometimes separation is in order. I only pray that things will work out for victims

My oldest son is a bully, I am finding out now that it was likely because he himself has been bullied. He has many mental health issues and has not been a nice kid even to me, yes he has bullied me. I also have a younger son who has been bullied so this is not a new topic to me. I agree with you that we should love the bullies. It is sometimes hard to do this but hating them just makes it worse. I remind myself that I can not judge them because I do not know what their shoes feel like. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and know that there are many of us that believe as you do.

Dan,__The knowledge that your story reached the heart of even one 14-year-old bully should help others to see that there is hope.____No, Not every bully who reads your post is going to be moved to see how his/her behavior affects other people - but one person, at least, was brave enough to write to you and tell you that they hope to change.____Good for YOU for overcoming such a horrible experience. Please - keep up the good work.

I have been bullied and I have been the bully. I think having been bullied and finally "being accepted" by my peers turned me into the bully. I was finally "cool" and I wanted to prove this to everyone and to myself. Over 20 years later I still regret what I did to the person that we bullied and I have a hard time looking her in the eye when I do see her. I wish I had never done it and I wish it had never been done to me.

Dan. I just want to thankyou for both this post and the "memoirs of a Bullied Kid" I will admit that I didn't get to the bottom of it yet as unfortunately, I haven't had the time to myself to sit and read. I have however, printed it out so I can read it away from the computer. I will reply to that one as soon as I am able to. What I did read of it though, really stirred my heart so much that I couldn't read it while the distractions of life were around. My son and my husband need my full attention and I feel that your post also needs my full attention.
I was bullied from the time I was 4.5. I can guarantee that I was messed up from it and if I am totally honest, I still am. In all this, the bullies ARE human, they are people who are hurting for some reason or another. My boy (8) has both been bullied and acts like a bully at times. I cannot label him a bully as I won't and can't give him a label based on behaviours that he displays. He is not a 24/7 bully, he, for the most part, is one of the most generous, loving, caring, thoughtful amazing people I know. He constantly surprises me with how much he makes me smile and loves all people.
Today, we had to pick him up from school early because of an incident that he did. I will NEVER excuse his bullying behaviour as it is not and never will be ok. I will (and do) however, do my best to train him, help him with his emotions, try to get to the bottom of his issues, and build up his self esteem from when he was bullied. Sorry this is longer than I was going to have it.

Thank you thank you thank you for your posts. They make such a difference to me and others. Keep writing, you make us think and while it can make us uncomfortable, it can't help but change us.

This is really thoughtful, but I am against the spirit of the affirmations you lay out, e.g.

"Telling a person that he is stupid will never arouse him to harness his true potential. Telling him he is intelligent will."

(Same for fat, weak, etc.)

It's much better (and research shows that) to praise kids for their *hard work* and for trying to overcome challenges than for some supposed natural trait they had no part in attaining. There's no shame in making a mistake, only in not trying. Also, if you tell a fat kid they're not fat, you'll be lying and they know it. (former fat kid speaking here).

For example, in one experiment kids took a test and some were told "You're so smart". The other half were told "You must have worked really hard at this test!" Then they were given the choice of taking an easier test or a more difficult test. The kids that were told they're "so smart" tended to choose the *easier* test, because they were afraid to prove wrong the compliment, while the other kids tended to choose the harder test and enjoy it, because they learn that it's ok to make mistakes, the important thing is the merit of the hard work (this is paraphrased from memory, more details are in the book "How We Decide" by Lehrer).

Kids deserve the honesty and the opportunity to grow. Don't tell them empty assertions like "you're not fat, you're big boned". Compliment them on their choice of healthier food, or how they ran faster than last time. Don't tell a kid with learning difficulties they're smart, compliment them on how they worked hard at a test.

yes, i absolutely belief in love over hate and bullies need love etc, BUT i do understand that some people who feel so much pain inside themselves or for their kid(s) can make this kind of comments, because in their world of suffering from their bullies, the people who cause this pain to them cannot be recognized human, simply because they are not acting as humans, who should not be the cause of such deep pain and trauma's for others....

I teach high school and my sister pointed me towards your blog. One of my classes is a writing class and we're starting a unit that focuses on persuasion. However, i didn't want to have them simply do a paper that would end up in the trash can after I graded it. So, they are taking a look at bullying. Each student is a part of one group - one is focusing on cyberbullying and one is focusing on face-to-face bullying. Each group will be researching to find not only the statistics and data behind the topics, but also solutions. Their final project will be to come up with a solution and present it - hopefully to the school (we're still working on that part). I've already shared your memoir about bullying. I will be sharing this post as well. Thank you for your candid writing. Thank you for sharing your story.

Oh, how this post made me cry!

Not long ago, the dad of a Kindergarten classmate of my son's came to talk to me about some bully-like talk that was mentioned--it came from MY son! I was reeling. My sweet, sensitive little boy. A little boy with a reputation for being very gentle, adored by the girls because of it.

I can tell you why he was acting like a bully--his dad is one of those dads you talked about in your broken kid post. So my son somehow seems to have gotten the impression that that's just how boys/men are. :( And you know what? There aren't many (any?) legal protections in place to help us save our children from emotional breakage.

The school and I mobilized and got to talking with my son right away and monitoring the heck out of his behavior...and things seem better. I see the big question mark on his face when I tell him that something he's said is mean, because I know they are things his dad says to him. Hopefully, the love & support he gets elsewhere will outweigh the negatives.

Just know that some of us are trying as hard as we can.

Every time I have ever been bullied I only responded with kindness...kill them with kindness my momma always said. and guess what I became friends with each one :) I 100% believe in your philosophy and plan on passing it on to my children as well as others in my life thank you :)

I was a bully in high school and didn't think anything of it.

Two years ago, my old high school friend messaged me on facebook "Hi remember me.. I am fatty cow from your class"

Her words made me cry.

If I could do anything...anything at all... to take all those words back, I would...

Thank you for this post and for being a beacon of love!

I agree that most of the bullies are hurting on the inside. I ran into one of my worst bully-ers recently and seen how unhappy she is in her life, and was back in school as well. I felt bad for her. Why? Because she may have been Top Dog in Elementary School but none of that matters in the Real World. Where it counts. I can honestly say that I am happy with my life and how it turned out. I know she doesn't feel that way about hers and while I used to think that I would get satisfaction from knowing that about her, I don't. What a shame when any one of us cannot appreciate that gift that Life truly is.

I also found out about the same bully mentioned that she had a lot of family issues at home at the time she was pushing me around at school. A coincidence? I think not.

I agree, ALL children need to be embraced and guided. Not just the bullies and not just the victims. ALL OF THEM. That, I think, its probably the best place to start. Now for the how.....

Dan, I'm 37. When I was going into 7th grade, a girl who was a year younger cut me off, brutally, from her friendship. Almost ten years later she approached me and invited me for coffee. She was in a 12 step program. She wanted to apologize. I almost fell off my chair. 11, 12 years old and drinking. I had no idea.

I teach my son that when people are mean to him, you don't have to choose to be around them, but to please try and have empathy for them and not hold it against them. Everybody has a bad day. You don't know if that child is having trouble with his classwork, or had a bad morning at home and got yelled at by his mom, or his dad's out of the country fighting a war, or his grandmother just died. Don't take it personally, just move on to someone who treats you how you want to be treated. And remember to try not to do that to other people when YOU had a bad morning.

Wow-I thought I shed all my tears on the previous post but it turns out I had a few more for this one. Your words are so very powerful and you have spoken such truth. This 14 year old who had to reach deep in himself to find the courage to even post this to you speaks volumes about so many bullies who try to justify their own self-loathing by giving everyone a reason to hate them. No child wants to be hated and all children NEED to be loved, and all the more so when they seem unloveable! Your comment that these children are behaving in an unbeautiful way but that they are still beautiful children is so true and I hope these parents read that loud and clear. Thank you so much for sharing and making such a difference in schools and lives everywhere. You can bet I'll be sharing this with our local schools nad hoping htey will integrate it into their bullying programs.