Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

Thank you for posting this! I can relate to your experience growing up, it reminded me of my own minus the physical, there were a lot more rumors & gossip & name calling/public humiliation. I lost all of my friends bc of it freshman year & had to transfer schools. If I hadn't I would not be here today. I understand exactly how those poor kids feel & I hate to say it but I know exactly how those kids who brought guns to school felt too. Bullying is a sickness in our schools, a cancer that needs to be eradicated. Based on my experience in school I'm terrified for my precious daughter to start school, I'm dreading it. I don't want her to go thru what I've been thru. It has had a profound effect on me. Thank you for sharing your story, no child should have to go thru that, ever.

THANK YOU!  I was bullied-not to the extent that you were, but I still have trouble thinking that I am worth anything because the bullies voices run through my head and it is much easier to believe them than the nice things people say.  I am 30 and I have watched my child bullied by her "best friends." Luckily we were able to move out of that school district and into one where she has many friends who are actually kind to her.  What a novel concept.  I try every day to show my kids I love them no matter what because I don't know what is going on in their heads. Thank you again for the insight.  I have really enjoyed reading your blog.

Thank you. This is the best blog post I've ever read on the topic of bullying. 

This post is incredibl...y lame. Get a grip people. Stop being whiny little bitches.

[email protected] I read this post and I really connected with it b/c I was bullied for about 20 years of my life.  I am 35 now and I know that having been bullied has really affected and changed me.  I am sure that there are some people that have had really bad childhoods but i'm surely on that list.  Just like you I don't like talking about it and am amazed I made it too.  I am not married or have kids but I have a lot of nieces and one nephew and always ask them how school is and tell them i was bullied and not keep quiet about it, if they see it or have it happen to them.  Loved your blog and will post it on facebook (Matt Robert Miller) is my name on fb. Thanks

I really liked this article and felt I need to share this video.  It shows victims of bullying and shows you that you can take a stand against it.  Becca Levy sing Fix you by coldplay in the background and she is spread the word on stopping bullying.  Find out what she is doing by watching this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE8zEhecJ70  -thanks

This article really touched home with me.  I am an adult female who was maliciously bullied by her peers from 7th grade until 12th grade---1982-1988.  The reason I had a target placed upon my back is because I was the "new girl" in a tough Michigan school that welcomed newcomers with a good ass-kicking.  It happened every day, constantly.  Physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse.  All of the teachers knew and no one cared to step in to help me.  Even in the summer when school was out....I would walk downtown with a friend, hoping desperately to meet any boy who would pay attention to me.  But inevitably, some teenagers passing by would yell out the cruel nickname that I had been branded with and ruin my self-esteem again.  It was humiliating, but I acted as if I didn't care.  Oh but I did care....I cared so much that I tried huffing to kill myself--when I failed at that attempt I fell into a dark depression.  I was becoming mentally ill because of the ceaseless bullying. I started listening to hard metal music and wearing lots of black eyeliner-- people thought I was a freak. I hated myself and quickly turned to drugs--getting drunk and high was a cheap way out of my pain.  Out of touch with my own body, I gave sex freely to any boy who came on to me.  I was so desperate for love & acceptance that I foolishly thought this was the way to gain it.  The effects of the bullying have never left me and I am now 42 years old.  Fortunately, the bullying steered me in the direction my life needed to go--I am now a massage therapist and healer, and I work to help others feel good about their bodies and themselves.  I refuse to remain silent when it comes to bullying.  We must put an end to this ugly epidemic once and for all.  Thank you Single Dad Laughing...for sharing your story, letting us share ours, and for caring.  You are a beautiful person.

This is a subject that really touches home with me. I too was the fat girl. The nerd. And eventually the Slut. It started at home when I was a kid but at school began in kindergarten. Fat. Pig. Hippo. I was fat. I was being molested and my "prizes" for being a good girl was food, candy, junk. This was often an everyday thing - I was, am, fat. I was so large that lots of times I wore my daddy's shirts to school cause its all that fit. Flannel work shirts. My given name is Bobbie - I became Bob the Lumberjack and it stuck. There are still people in my home town that call me that and I'm over thirty! Eventually teasing me to my face got boring so by the fifth grade they shunned me out of everything. It was like I was a plague, it went so far that other kids would tell the P.E. teacher I wasn't fun cause I was too fat to run - and they would change games! or give me an option to go play alone, which I always took. I had asthma and running usually messed up my breathing anyway - or thats what I'd tell the teacher it. Its safer if i don't run, allergic to the heat I'd tell her. (I am but its not as bad as I let it seem.) On and on for years. At home my daddy would tell me to push away from the table sooner and I wouldn't be so fat. My mom would try to "help" by offering me more diet/figure friendly food - not realizing that the food wasn't really the problem. Pain was, and her "help" made it worse. When I was 13 the sex abuse stopped in favor of a younger girl - I'd aged out. Should be happy right? no. No. NO. The exact opposite really. Crazy as it might sound I'd started clinging to that attention even though I knew it was terribly unhealthy and wrong. I had no one else. Not one friend, no one stopped and listened or wanted to be close to me. The one friend I did have was a boy but he quit talking to me when a bully decided to yell out on the school bus that I was his girlfriend (6th grade). He stopped speaking to me in front of his friends because he was being bullied for being my friend. eventually he stopped talking to me at all. to this day he won't look at me. When the abuse stopped all "love" and support was snatched away from me and I tried to kill myself. My mother and father never knew that. I didn't do enough damage and managed to sleep it off. decided that even god didn't want me so i suffered through. In high school I slept with a boy just to have some attention and discovered I knew how to do that pretty well but I "knew" no one would want me because I am fat, ugly, used, ruined. Often had the more popular crowd ask me out or flirt only to find out later that it was just for laughs - "who would want a fat cindy lou hoo like you?" Awkward and shy but smart so teachers pet. I have to have something to do on all those nights home alone so school work it was. Eventually it got around school that I'd had sex with all the football team and my Concert Choir teacher! No Idea where that came from but there it was out of no where. Had boys threaten to take me out back and "show you how its done - no one would believe you didn't want it. Sluts always want it." 

My first two marriages ended in abuse because I felt I deserved it, how could I ever do better than that? Twice in a row? Must be a sign. Eventually a wonderful loving man - who was my friend years ago (though for only a short time as he moved) found his way back into my life and he took me from that situation. He tells me everyday I'm perfect (He lies but its sweet). Between us both we have 6 kids and life goes on.

To this day I struggle with feeling worth it. Beautiful. Sexy. Funny. Smart. Some days I'm not a good mother in my head because they deserve someone beautiful and smart and strong. But, I am here. I tell my kiddos everyday I love them. They know they are not alone and tell me everything that happens to them. Schools are not the most supportive places and I can't always stop whats being said or done at school but I love them and they are strong, smart, and beautiful. If I never see those traits in myself thats ok because in a way I am those things because I've helped them be.

I struggled with loving myself for years. I think I learned it from my mother, who told me her first memory was "being at the pool knowing I couldn't wear a bikini like the other girls because I'm to fat." she was four. Four years old. I remember clearly being told I was fat in eight grade (I was tiny) and I nearly stopped eating for the next month or two. I don't remember what stopped me, but I know the only person I told said it wasn't anorexia because I didn't get skinny.

Besides this incident I was rarely insulted to my face, but I was ignored like the plague, and I often thought that was worse because I  didn't know why everyone hated me, why I wasn't even worthy of insults. I didn't know what part of me they hated, so in response I hated every part of myself. My appearance, my intelligence, what I said, what I didn't say, how I said things on the rare occasions I did speak. This cause a near obsession about every part of myself, and led me to befriend people who made me hate myself more. I found myself depressed and self harming, then when my "friends" found out they told the school counselor and my parents (I still don't know if this is on my school record) I hated my "friends" for telling on me, but it lead to my slow healing, and the ending of my having friends in high school. ( I had a friend who I still love dearly)

My shyness and fear of talking to peers lasted well into high school, though the depression ended slowly, very slowly. The self harm ended when I saw how it hurt my parents and I couldn't handle the guilt. My scars are long gone, and the feelings that made me do such terrible things went with them. After years of hard mental work I love myself and am proud of my accomplishments, and even when things don't work out (Like failing to get into a leadership program at my school last week) I still love myself and am proud of who I am. I am proud of who I am and I wouldn't change what I have gone through for anything because it made me the person I love today.

Now as a college student I can say that what I went through wasn't fun, but I learned so much from it. I hope you never feel as badly about yourself. I really hope you never feel the way I use to. My best advise for anyone is 1. find something you love to do, and do it as often as possible (mine was a sport that I now teach. Sports are good they release hormones which make you happy) 2. Surround yourself with people who make you happy, and who love themselves, and you. (When they complement themselves it helps you to adopt the positive attitude). 3. SMILE!!! (Smiling also releases chemicals that make you happier, it also will make others smile back, which makes them happier, and you happier!) 4. Becoming happy is a long process, don't get discouraged if you don't feel better in a week. 5. The most important thing is to remember happiness is a choice. Every moment of your life you can choose to laugh at what goes wrong, to forget it, to stress over it, to be proud of it ect... so when you burn the toast you were going to eat for breakfast just use it as an excuse to try the cinnamon oatmeal you bought yesterday. When you trip in public, laugh, and others will to, and if that laugh doesn't start out genuine it will be once others join in. It's YOUR life and YOUR choice, don't let the dark stuff get to you just stop and say (mentally) ___your name____ it's okay, two days from now no one will remember that I mispronounced that word.

Anyway thanks for reading my ramble. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I really do. Now go out there, and look yourself in the mirror and admire your beautiful eyes, or the freckles that look just like your favorite aunts or your hair that is just like your beautiful cousins. Think about how kind you are because you gave directions to someone, or because you left a tip at starbucks. Think about how smart you are when you got a b on the test you thought you would fail. Think about the good parts of yourself because you are beautiful and you deserve to be loved by YOURSELF!

 Wow.  I was bullied from about 5th grade on.  I was the fat girl.  My problem was that I was also bullied at home because of my weight.  It was worse in elementary and junior high, but it didn't stop in high school, it was just a bigger school so I was better able to hide.  Hiding is how I tried to solve my problem, hiding and eating more.  

Even as an adult I hid. Even as an adult people in passing cars would still feel the need to shout cruel things at me.  Did they think I didn't know I was fat?  Did they think for one second I had forgotten I was fat?  I am now 55 and while I have come to terms with my weight and I like myself a lot more than I did as a child and as a young adult (thanks to 10 years of therapy), I still carry lingering effects of the bullying I experienced. 

I am not in a relationship, I avoid them.  I have only had one relationship in my entire life because I can't convince myself that anyone would want a fat woman.  I am not ugly, although for years I thought I was, I am smart, I am kind and I am generous to a fault (according to my friends I am a sucker but I know what I'm doing, even when I am being taken advantage of). 

I cannot eat in front of people I do not know because I still carry guilt about eating.  Yes, I know a human has to eat to survive, but I still struggle with the concept that as a fat person, I really should not be eating.  

After reading this post I still struggle with my tears because I am currently at work.  Thank you for sharing this, I know it wasn't an easy thing to do.  I share your concern about bullying, but unfortunately I do not share your optimism that it is easily prevented.  At least not as long as we continue to adore, approve of and elect bullies to represent us.  The department I work in is managed by a bully, she just got a promotion because her boss is a bully too and her behavior is what he likes.  How can we fight bullying when it continues into adulthood and your job is on the line?  How can we tell our children that they shouldn't bully when they see elected officials acting like bullies?

These words had a profound effect on me. A friends daughter is being bullied and she is having a rough time. I am so glad she had the courage to speak to me about it. And we have spoken several times. But she is absolutely terrified of going to the local high school because that is where her bullies are. It broke my heart reading your story. I don't remember being bullied but I do remember those feeling of hate towards myself. But now at the age of 36 I finally love myself with the help of someones unconditional love and letting me know that there is nothing wrong with me.. I am the perfect me! And I am one of a kind! 

Thanks Dan, I can only imagine how hard that was for you to speak about.. Thank You

Reading your story, I realize that despite having a facial difference I had it pretty easy. I was loved. Teachers recognized my talents. Yes I was bullied, sometimes cruelly, but I mostly repressed those memories. I guess I had just enough arrogance to get me through. I did suffer socially for having a facial difference, and even at age 46 I still have to put up with being stared at. But I refuse to allow all that to stop me from living my life. I plan to start speaking to children and adults alike about acceptance. I just wrote a memoir called Facing Up to It, and you can read more about it and me at www.facinguptoit.com.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I will share this with as many people as I can. While I was bullied in middle school and high school, things also got better for me. I wish every day that the circumstances had been the same for my brother. He committed "bullycide" at just 13 years of age. I hope this message reaches the right people and saves a life.

Dan,

This is an incredible post. So raw and so real. It is refreshing to hear someone be as candid as you are. I wish more people had your courageous spirit to share their stories.

Good job.

http://www.wafb.com/story/21129036/report-boy-stabs-brother-in-the-face-neck-over-playstation I read your/this blog post tonight and then came across this article. Another example of the results of bullying. Terribly sad.

Dan,

Even as I sit here at my computer, tears are welling up in my eyes and still refusing to fall.  Your story sounds similar to my own in a lot of ways.   I recall being fairly popular, or at least reasonably well liked until 5th or 6th grade.  even then, there were a few boys that would bully me at elementary school, it was constant, but thankfully it was not very widespread.  For me, 6th grade marked the beginning of the most severe darkness of my life.  I felt there was no escape from what I was experiencing at school.  I was bullied daily, relentlessly, and at times, in their own ways, some of my teachers even participated in the bullying.

I was beat up, name called, ignored, left out, shunned... you name it.  There came a time that because of the things I was writing in my english class, my parents came to speak with the teacher.  That one teacher was one of the kindest women I have ever known, and I am ashamed to admit that despite her kindness, I cannot remember her name.  I can only recall that this marked a point of change, where my slide into the darkness of despair finally began to slow.

The saving grace for me, was that the majority of the bullying I encountered was physical, and in that regard I was fortunate... I come from a family that is... not particularly short or slight in stature.   The bullying, at least overtly, ended near the end of 8th grade, because I had grown larger than my bullies.  I was physically able to defend myself, and thanks to the small kindnesses I had experienced from random people, I was able to find that tiny spark within myself to at least stop the abuse.

At the beginning of 6th grade I was the short, skinny, redhead kid.  I was 5'2" and 110lbs soaking wet.   By the end of 8th grade, I was nearly 6', and passing 180lbs.   I was able to fight back, without being forced to extreme measures.  I was still an outcast, but no longer forcibly one.   My exile from that point on was the result of ingrained response (I couldn't relate to people, so I avoided them) rather than being because I was being humiliated or beaten.

Dan, I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones.   I suffered for years, from the earliest ages that I can remember, through the middle of high-school.   But I survived, and while I was broken, and am still scarred, I am whole.

Your posting changed my whole blog. I was also bullied and reading this has altered my whole outlook.even 26 years later you have helped me. Thank you :-)

Wow Dan, just "wow" I too was bullied, maybe not to the extent you were, but it still hurts none-the-less. (((((((HUGS))))))

I was bullied. To be honest, until I read your post, I mostly blocked the memories. Its never something I want to look back on because now I think: Why didn't I tell someone? Why didn't I do something? The answer is that I was like you. I started (and still do to some extent) believing what I was told. I did nothing wrong. I was different, fat, and came from a religious family. I was "too nice" to ever fight back. So I was easy to pick on.

I still cannot drive past my old elementary school without flashbacks of horrible recess' on the playgrounds blinding me with fear. I hear their ridiculous nicknames (Brit-Butt being the worst) chanting in my ears. I still cry when I remember all the things I had to do alone because no one would ever choose to be in a group with me. I was always the outsider.

And worst of all, the teachers not only did not help, they perpetuated the problem. One teacher in particular would allow the "popular girls" to have lunch with her in her class room. One time I came to try and talk to the teacher at lunch and was told I couldn't enter without a password. The teacher laughed.Other teachers have hit me on the head because they thought I was asleep and not paying attention (I was actually laying my head down because I had a migraine), yelled at me for throwing up in class after not allowing me to go to the bathroom when I told them I was sick, dumped my entire desk contents on the ground because they caught me eating in class (I was afraid to go to the gym to eat my lunch because I had no one to sit with) and call me out for "ratting" on a fellow student (she had pulled a knife on me and threatened me with it for fun). I spent most of my time in elementary hiding out in the library.

I can't tell you when my life changed. I know it started in high school. I met people who were like me, were interested in the same things as me. I cautiously became friends with a few people. Even then I never trusted that they WANTED to be my friend. I always felt as if there was some other reason they spent time with me. This has been a constant problem my whole life. I still never truly believe people want to be my friends. But I am lucky enough to have very patient friends who remind me daily that they are there for me no matter what.

In the end, I don't know what my life would have been if I hadn't been bullied. I like who am I, issues and all. But being torn apart that way leaves scars that never heal and will always color my interactions with people I meet.

I remember the boy in sixth grade who said something hateful to me at recess -- I avoided him consciously and conscientiously after that, and when my good friend seemed to be good friends with him, I avoided her if she was busy talking with him. Six or seven summers later, I rode my bike into town and came to a corner where he was waiting to cross.  He smiled sufficiently and authentically enough that I knew the right thing to do would be to make some small talk. He was fine and friendly, truly open.  Part of me felt amazed at how much a fellow could change, and another part understood this to be just natural.

Now many of the folks I was afraid of as a teenager are quite decent friends on facebook, and I would be glad to meet any of them in person.  

My parents taught me that everyone is a sinner and bullying behavior is one common expression of that -- and that people can and should reach a place where they turn away from sinful behavior.  My own sins were just less obvious.  Yes, giving love -- authentic care -- to each other is a way to help each other grow stronger against sin of any kind.

May Jesus continue to bless you, protect you, comfort you, strengthen you, and pour His grace through you to bless others, too.

EB

Reading this article, I can say I've been on many sides of bullying: I've been bullied, I've probably been a bully, and I've been in the middle.  The one case that stands out for me is the girl that I'm still friends with today.  When she transferred to our school in 3rd grade, she somehow became a target for bullying.  I talked to my mom about it - and a few other kids that were picked on - and she told me to be nice to them.  It took courage to eat the food she brought in for snack day when no one else did - but those homemade donuts sure were tasty!  It took courage to play with her at recess when no one else would.  It took courage to just be nice and sometimes even tell the bullies to knock it off.  I think I was fortunate enough to have parents that encouraged kindness to everyone and a faith that also encouraged this kindness to everyone as well.  *For whatsoever you do unto the least of you, you do unto me.*  My willingness to step in may not have won me any popularity, but I know I felt better doing this than I ever would have felt being popular. 

While the bullying you mention in your article is far worse than anything I've witnessed first hand, I know I've discussed with others why I think bullying is so much more in the spotlight these days than it was when I was in school.  My theory is that when I was in school - 10 to 20 years ago now - we didn't have social media like Facebook.  Some of us had e-mail, but rarely used it.  The bullying, in a way, could stop once you got home (so long as home was a safe place, I suppose).  At least bullying from external sources could stop.  Today, with how wired we are becoming, bullied kids are followed home - via Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, texting, etc.   So there's no break from it.  That would drive me over the edge as an adult.  I think even as adults it will take courage to step in when we witness bullying, but that it is essential to the well being of all those involved.  Hopefully we can do it with enough gusto to not bully the bullies.

I hope and pray we can raise our girls (3 and 1 years old) to trust me and my husband enough to discuss bullying with us, whether they are on the receiving end, witnesses, or the bullies.  I hope and pray that we can raise them to be kind to everyone, to love everyone for who they are. 

Hi Dan,

I've been reading your blog off and on for about a year now and finally made it to this one. I've been reading some of the comments in response to the post, and it honestly shocks me how people have been treated.

You see, for whatever reason, bullying has never really been that 'popular' in my schools. Elementary school, no, and I don't remember anyone else being bullied. Just kinda typical drama. Middle school was awkward, and coming from a small elementary school I was pretty shy. I took a while to make friends. My one and only time of being bullied happened, when a guy sprayed a can of Axe on me. But for some reason he never did anything mean to me again. In fact, I hardly saw him, and I think he switched schools not too long after that.

High school was honestly pretty good. I see these stories about kids being bullied here and in the media, but it didn't happen nearly as often at my school. I can think of maybe three incidents of bullying I ever knew about. Sure, there were mean people around but I found they weren't that bad if you were nice to them. I think one guy was so happy that I talked to him for a while (he had anger management issues and took it out on anyone who tried to approach him) that he actually made me a gift. I accepted it, but at the time didn't really know what to make of it. I was never really particularly nice to him, I just ignored his anger and talked to him calmly, like I would to any other person, but he insisted on making me the gift. Now that it's been a few years I think I understand.

Surprisingly to me at least, if there was any bullying or stuff, it was almost always the popular guys who would step in and say something. They'd say something like 'hey man, that's not cool'. Maybe I was just oblivious too it all, but my high school was pretty cool.

However, I do remember one time a gay friend of mine was waiting to be picked up by his brother after school and some guys were talking loud kinda near him saying something about him being gay. It ticked me off so as I walked by I loudly said, "Hey, (insert name)!" with a smile, then looked at the group of guys who were being rude for a long moment. They kinda shut up and my friend's brother showed up and picked him up right after that. I know being gay was hard for him, since I'm pretty sure he was the only gay guy in the school, but he had a large group of good friends.

Another comment jogged my memory (high school was a little while back, I'm in college now). All of the mentally disabled kids in my schools were absolutely loved, never bullied. And if someone felt the need to bully them for some reason, it'd be them against the whole school so it never really went anywhere. One of the special need kids was even named Prom (?) king one year and the entire school loved it. When they walked down the halls, there'd always be a few people who would give them high fives and ask them what's up or how they're doing. It really was pretty awesome, and I hope that never stops at my high school.

Wow, this has brought back some memories. For me, the end of primary school and the entirety of high school were hellish for me. I was always the nice girl that people generally liked, but at the same time I was the kid who liked learning. In high school, the majority of the boys decided that I would be an easy target. For 5 years they belittled everything about me, like the books I read and the people I talked to. For 5 years, I found whatever exercise books or folders of mine that the teachers kept vandalised at the start of a lesson. For 4 of those years, they used to refer to me as a sex object as a means to humiliate me in front of others, getting to the point where they would feel me up under the desk. I just feel so sorry for my mum, who had to listen to her 13 year old daughter tell her what was happening. 

The funny thing? On my last day of high school, we were passing round the year books and one of the main culprits wrote in mine "Never change". Those two words have stayed with me a long time, simply because I don't know what to make of them. Whenever I think of my high school days, it's a struggle not to cry; that is what he and his friends made me, and I hate every tear that falls on their account. 

Amen!! This was a fantastic read. I want to comment not just on the subject matter, but how well it was WRITTEN. The medium and way and which we relate such messages are so important. Thank you, thank you, thank you! As a 6th grade teacher, I will definitely be sharing this with many of my children, especially those who are closed off and are being bullied! Thank you.

I almost feel scared writing here. I'm only sixteen and its fresh enough in my mind that the thought that the people who bullied me might find out scares me to death. When I was in elementry I was never popular. I was really tall and pretty mature for my age so no one wanted to hang out with me. But it never was too bad. Sure, a comment would be made here or there but nothing too drastic. But in Grade 3 my friend decided that I was too popular. She had seen me talking with one of the Grade 6 boys who was a family friend and had assumed that people were starting to like me too much. She started a campaign that wouldn't end until I was in Grade 7. It started just by telling people that I liked this guy and that I had some sort of obsession with him. That I was creepy, weird. But soon because of all this nonsense kids stopped talking to me. Comments were whispered behind me, just loud enough that I could here them. And it started to get to me. I had always been a bigger kid but suddenly I felt like eating all the time and didn't go out and play anymore because I felt too isolated. I even stopped playing soccer (something I loved) because girls from my class were on the team. I gained alot of weight. I freely admit it. But then the comments like 'pig' or 'cow' started to reach me. Suddenly I had absolutly nothing. By this time it was Grade 4 and I got to the age where I thought that unless I was friends with everyone then I was a freak. I gained more weight. By Grade 5 I was the only girl in the class who had reached puberty and somehow everyone found out. Including the boys. And for an eleven year old girl to know that the boys in her class know about her period? Its mortifying. I started being called more names. 'fucking pig.' or a personal favourite 'fat bitch'. By Grade 6 I had no self esteem. And this is when the bulling got so much worse. I remember two indicidents very clearly. I was invited to go on a bike ride with the 'popular kids' and I couldn't refuse. I was so excited that I had finally been accepted. I live beside a river valley and we went down there. Suddenly I was alone. They had fled to the top of an embankment and stood at the top ridiculing me. I left in tears. Another day I was outside at recess and walked over to see if I could play tag with the rest of my peers. As aI approached a boy comments 'does anyone feel the earthquake?' he then threw a ball at me and then asked where it went. A girl replyed that it must have gotten stuck in all my fat. I was walking away crying when they started to jeer that I was a 'fucking crybaby' and that if I reported, they knew they didn't do anything. I couldn't stay for my Grade 6 graduation because of how upsetting they were to me. But I still decided to go to the same Junior High as them as if to prove that I was stronger then them. In Grade 7 the girl that used to be my best friend started to physically beat me up. I would come home with bruises and scrapes but I would hide them all. I thought I deserved it and that I would be weak if I told anyone. One day she beat me up in front of the school and a clasmate told the principal. I his office he deemed the 'fight' my fault and said if I so much as spoke out in class he would suspend me. Two days later a teacher called me a slut for wearing a tank top to school. A week later I transferred. I had two solid years of bliss. I was quite popular and had lots of friends. I started doing drama and finally found passion in life again. I won't say I love'd myself again because I didn't but life didn't seem so hopeless anymore. I'm in high school now and it has all come back. That girl is in my school. Half my friends believe everything she says about me. I get emails from her almost everyday telling me to kill myself. That the world is better off without me. My parents think I'm lying. Or making a big deal out of nothing. I don't eat anymore and I can't make it through the day without telling myself how worthless I am. I've started to realize that if I tell myself I'm ugly and fat and worthless and that everyone hates me, then when she says it it just seems like a fact. I feel like its no longer important to tell my friends that I hate myself. They can't do anything anyway. I had a friend tell me I'm pretty the other day and I felt angry that she was lying to me. I constantly obsess with the people from my past. I can't let what happen go. But until this year I didn't think I was bullied. I thought I deserved what I got because I was selfish, intelligant, bitchy, rude, mean, fat, ugly, freak-like. I thought it was good what those kids did to me. And sometimes I still feel torn between crying and thanking them or saying how much they hurt me. And still hurt me. This is a blabbling mess but I can't think when I cry. I just imagine how easy it would be to die. And then I hate myself for thinking that because I have a good life. I have nothing to complain about. Sticks and stones and all that. But words are all I seem to made up of. All I'll ever be made up of. I'm going to stop before I bore anyone who reads this to death. It isn't very exciting what happened and is happening to me but even if its just a little thing in the big wide internet, it feels good to know that somewhere, someone can know my story.

I was never bullied, but I wasn't one of the "popular" kids, either.  I never participated, but stood by and watched others get bullied, sometimes offering sympathy afterwards.  I never witnessed an adult step in to stop bullying.  However, your story illustrates why I homeschooled all 3 of my children (K through all of high school).  They were born with so much potential and were "fed" nothing but love and kindness for their first 5 years....I wasn't about to put them into a "Lord of the Flies" scenario in public (or private) school and watch their self esteem be pummeled to whatever the biggest bullies in the school decreed it to be. They're now young adults--smart, college-educated, and with their confidence and self-esteem fully intact. In short, they're AMAZING people! 

I don't know all the reasons why adults *don't* step in more often to end bullying....its like they think it is a "normal"--or even beneficial-- childhood development event.  As I'm writing this in the last days of the 2012 presidential election, it occurs to me that maybe people think it is what develops (or at least reflects) our competitive capitalist economy....that bullies are still seen as the "winners", the leaders, the successes of our male-dominated, capitalism-at-all-costs economy.  (Believe me, I think girls are as good--or better--at this than boys are.)  Maybe it is endemic to our culture and until we change our CULTURAL VALUES, perhaps childhood bullies will continue to prosper?

This struck home so hard for me, I am taking it to school with me, and to competitions now. 

My son is now being bullied by his team mates what is there to do to protect him If I intervene it will make things worse. He wrote a heartbreaking letter to his coach letting her know that his team mates had humiliated and embarrassed him at a meet by kicking in an outhouse door while he was using it. when he came out they were all laughing at him It started  with a rival teem member (the bulling) in his sophomore year because it was becoming apparent that my son was really a good runner and he was soon to beat this kid on the track and become the top runner. His team mate has shown that he is resentful of my sons talent. In the past he has slammed my son in the chest knocking the wind out of him. This past year my son has become the outcast on his team because his rival has moved into a leadership roll and seems to be turning the other team mates on my son. The coach has thus far been ineffective in handling this problem. My son finally came forward said something and now feels that on top of being a whistle blower his coach soft peddled her handling of the whole incident. He is wanting to quit the team at this point and I am feeling powerless. I don't want to see him be "run off" by these jerk kids but I don't know how much he is expected to put up with.

I, too, was bullied to the point of wanting to die. I never wanted to commit suicide but hoped something bad would happen so I would die and finally be at peace. Unfortunately, something worse happened, I became a bully thinking it would keep others from tormenting me.  After years of bullying, while still being bullied, I finally learned how to be at peace with myself and to treat others how I would want to be treated, whether or not they return the kindness. These days, I have a lot of medical issues that cause debilitating pain and when I start to get impatient and unable to handle the severity of the pain I remind myself that just because I am in pain doesn't mean I have to be one.

Your story sounds all too familiar. Our son has been bullied and what you described as self hatred because of it is also his result. You mentioned that in HS something in you changed, and I would like to know if you could describe this more, or how it happened. I keep hoping that my son, who is now a senior, will find some relief. He is on medication for depression and sees a therapist. This year seems to be a little better because he has a car and does not have to take the bus where most of the bullying occurred. I keep telling him that college wil be different, but he has a hard time seeing any future. I will show him your blog, and hope he sees that things do change. Thank you!

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it will help millions. My son also was fine until 5th grade, then the bullying started for him. He was called fat among many other names. I thank God we had a very strong relationship/friendship with him, because he felt ok to come and talk to us. We pulled him out of the public school and put him into cyber school as soon as we could, but not before he was jumped by 2, and had a fight with another 2 seperately, one who used to be his best friend. My son played basketball, football, and had excellent grades. He was always the one who stood up for others that were picked on and always went out of his way to be nice.  I am extremely glad that we were able to have a relationship like that with him, and were able to put him into an at home school, but we will never be able to erase the pain he went through. He is missing out on what are supposed to be the best years of his life. He has no friends, only kids he talks to online through PS3 games, and he talks about the stuff that happened a lot. It breaks my heart that so many children's childhoods are taken away from them, that they are left to suffer alone, and that many are forced to hate themselves so much they want to die. Being alone is one of the worst things in the world. I cannot imaging being bullied everyday AND being alone. It takes a very strong, amazing person to go through that and come out of it with a positive, non hating attitude. We need to keep pushing for tougher bullying laws, making sure teachers are responsible and step in when this goes on, and to continue to teach our children to never bully or keep being bullied quiet. I agree with AxelGrim, the change does start with us, all of us! 

Thank you for posting this. I hope it goes viral as your other posts had. I am the victim of bulling. I am 29 years old and it still hasn't ended. I deal with bulling at home. I dealt with bulling from grade school through college. Yes, college. I just graduated last month and I was bullied to the end. I was bullied by kids 10 years younger than me. This is a real problem and I can say that bulling does real damage. Words or physical force, they all have the same painful result, they all leave scars and a damaged soul. Ignoring bullies is the same as you hitting the victim yourself. Silence gives the bullies permission, it tells them that their behavior is ok. Telling the victims to deal with it or that it isn't as bad as they say it is, you're hurting them. You are dehumanizing them. You are telling them their life has no real value. That they are the problem. We need to straight out our society and how it views bulling. We need to change our attitude and start helping those around us, instead of ignoring them. The change starts with you.

I don't even know when this was originally posted, but I happened across it and had to read and share my thoughts. Like you, my bullying started in 5th grade. Before that, I was fine. I was the 'smart kid', the 'funny kid', the 'nice kid'. None of that really changed, but along with those names, I was the 'fat girl'. I remember one kid in particular who would never stop. His favorite insult was "Godzilla" and making big stomping/crashing noises when I walked in the room. A year later, it didn't get any better, I just had new kids to torment me. In 7th grade, health class was Hell. This kid sat next to me and the moment the topic of 'diet' came up, he started in on me and MY diet. I failed seventh grade twice. I simply did not have the ability to attend class every day. I failed for attendance. Twice. I told people what was going on, but I was always told to get over it, it wasn't a big deal. IT WAS A BIG DEAL.  Flash forward to when I finally, finally, made it into 8th grade, but my self-esteem had been obliterated. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I talked. I hated everything that had to do with me. I hated my brother for being perfect. I hated my parents for never giving me attention. I hated it all and I wanted it to end. I ended up being a chronic cutter and drug user.  I never finished high school, didn't even make it past my Freshman year. I couldn't handle the constant insults.Flash forward to now: I haven't changed too much, except I don't need their validation to know I'm worth it. And I hope to raise my daughter with these thoughts. "You are smart, you are beautiful, you are important." Change a generation, change the world. 

What I did, and what I think more kids should do (as silly as it may sound) is run away from the problem and never look back. I was mercilessly bullied from 7th through 9th grade and it had no intention of stopping, so I changed schools. I got myself out of the dire situation I was in, made beautiful, amazing friends who I still hold with me today. I am happy, healthy, confident and successful. Honestly, seeing the people who bullied me all those years ago still working at the supermarket makes me oh so happy. 

" You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother. "

Rocky to his son

I'm not sure if you've seen this, but it's a powerful video.  Thanks for your sharing so openly your experience...

http://youtu.be/EA5C-1N_r1w

I want to say Thank you.  Because you made yourself vulnerable for a reason and for your selflessness I thank you.  I want to say to you, I am sorry you were treated that way.  I am sorry that you had to endure what you did.  I am glad for the person you have become.  As the mother of two bullied children (different ages at the times of their being bullied, one throughout gradeschool and one the last two years of high school), I do hope that the bullies at some point in their life "GET" how much hurt they caused because they could become really strong voices against bullying.  I have tears running down my face because as a mom I did what I could to defend... I tried two different approaches with my children in regards to their being bullied and my only thought now is this - there IS no escape and my only option as a mom is to homeschool my youngest, who is 4 (there is an 18 year gap between oldest and youngest).  I SEE how it scarred my kids... and how else do I keep the youngest from being told he is worthless... by peers, by teachers and authority figures who turn a blind eye instead of doing what they are supposed to do and helping kids GROW?  Also, how do we, as a society, develop children with better, stronger characters?  Nobody ever stood up to the bullies and even though I have to get over it as a mom, I look at these other kids who could have banded against the bullies but instead did nothing.  I know they were scared, but why aren't our kids more courageous?  I have yet to read the sequels to this article, but I plan on it.  Sometimes parents have to heal from the hurt, too.  I know I do.  I have come a long way but I still have a way to go.

Hi Dan, I've really enjoyed reading your blog for the last little while. This one breaks my heart. I was also bullied from the year I turned 9 right through my adolecence. I will also admit to engaging in bullying behaviours for a short while. This occured when I was 15 and two boys who were seen to be bigger losers than the group I was in were only half accepted by us. Now we were the "high achievers" group and so were shunned by the rest of our peers. These two boys were not and they had no other group to go to. Some of the girls in my group knew one of them from primary school so the past association helped them to become part of our group...sort of. Some members of our group decided that we shouldn't let them hang around with us anymore so a concerted effort ws made by the entire group to push them out. This included actual physical pushing, name calling and by one girl, kicking. In general they were made to feel unwelcome and unaccepted. I do remember standing up to the group when things were getting physical, telling them to stop. I never laid a hand on those boys, but I did tell them to go away, we have enough trouble with being teased without adding you two to our group, and other similar types of things. I knew it was wrong and after a short time (I'm sure it wasn't all that short for the boys) I left the group. After the term break I found the boys at school and apologised for my behaviour. I told them that I will always be a friend them to them if they needed one. We remained friends till the end of high scholl but still ran in in different groups.

I was bullied for a long time before this and quite a while after it. I'm not excusing my behaviour in any way. As someone who had been buliied I knew better than to dish it out to others and did it anyway. Being bullied caused me to hurt myself repeatedly, which I kept hdden. This behaviour became addictive and continued on and off into adulthood. I also developed an eating disorder and would lash out at my friends whenever they tried to help.

While I am now a happy and well adjusted adult, the scars reamain and always will. However, I'm now at a point where I can look back on that time and feel ok about the whole thing. I don't feel any animosity towards those who bullied me. I only wonder what their lives were like or why they ever picked me as a target at all.

To other victims out there, life gets better. There is healing to be found. You don't have to put up with what is happening to you. Tell someone. Tell Someone. People love you. You are worth that love. You have so much to offer the world. Don't give up, then they will have won. I know it's hard and horrible and dark and cold and lonely, and scary and empty and dry and lifeless. I once tried to kill myself because I already felt dead. I couldn't muster any kind of emotional response to anything. Nothing made me really laugh, nothing me smile, nothing made me cry. I just couldn't. In my mind I was dead so I gave up. As I said a final prayer I felt the presence of God come around me and I knew He was there with me. I asked God who cares if I live or die and I was reminded of the man I am now married to. God told me "He cares." Tears flowed, finally! Knowing that to ONE person (we weren't even dating yet) it mattered whether or not I continued to exist was enough. There is that ONE person for all of you. It may not be the person you marry, but to someone, you matter. You are important.

I'm with Dan. Let's start conversations with the sad kids, the angry kids or the kids who do their best to hide it all. Talk to that really skinny girl you know, tell her she's beautiful and watch and listen carefully to her response. Talk to the "big" kids. Let them know that it REALLY doesn't matter what they look like, at least not to you. Students out there, talk to the bullies, see what happens.

Fifth grade for you? Fifth grade for me too. I was ridiculed by a new girl in my school because I didn't care to put on sparkly makeup and try to get "dates" with the guys in my grade. Who needs a boyfriend at ten years old?I've never told my dad how grateful I am that he forgot to sharpen my jackknife between then and 9th grade, because otherwise I would have succeeded at cutting myself when I tried in middle school. Today, in college, I look at my scar-free arms and feel so glad that I don't have any physical records. Maybe someday I'll get the courage to actually thank my dad.

Thank you so much for having the courage to write this! Here's my own truth that most people don't know about me. I developed early, yeah guys like breast, yada,yada; try telling that to an 8 year old who doesn't understand. I was sexually harassed mercilessly from 3rd through 6th grade. Teachers heard the vulgar things being said, nothing, saw that I was being groped, nothing. I went home crying almost every day, my mom talked to the school, once I think, nothing. My first suicide attempt was at 10. I tried to strangle myself with a belt. Thank God I had my two best friends to go to or I don't know if I would have even made it to 7th grade. I hated myself, I hated my body. It was in Jr. high that family members started telling me I was "pudgy", "fat cow", or "tubby the whale", yes FAMILY members. I hated myself more, I hated my body more, I tried to kill myself again, and again, and again. High school came along, I was thinner, but still "pudgy", developed anorexia my Jr. year, lost 40 pounds in 6 weeks, still hated me. Was a size 4, 95 pound, still wasn't good enough; I wasn't capable of being good enough. And then one day, A beautiful baby boy was placed into my arms, and he loved ME. And perfection didn't matter anymore, because he didn't care. My son made me a better person then I could have ever made myself! My daughter has too. And then one day a word was said that brought so much of this back, autism. He gets teased, picked on, bullied. Because he's different. But he knows he's loved, I tell him every day. I go to the school EVERY time he says someone picked on him, and I MAKE them do something. I will never let him feel as worthless as I have felt, hurt as much as I have hurt. Because I KNOW what it feels like, I know what it does to you. I talk with my kids about this issue, they know they can talk to me, and I will help. We have to do something to stop this problem, not every kid will stop the attempt the way I did. I still disliked my curves til fairly recently, how could I like something that had brought me such grief? But they fed my babies, they comforted them when they needed a place to rest their heads. I am real and I am spectacular! And I'm so thankful that I was able to get to the point where I could say that!

Hi Dan,

I just read this post.  I've been following your blog n reading past posts since the "I'm Christian, unless you're gay" post.  I was really moved by what you wrote not so much because I could identify with the bullied (which I could) but because I saw another man in your story.  I saw a man who I went to high school with.  We were friends for a few years, and I realized that while we were friends, I engaged in some bullying behavior near the end of our friendship and probably that is what ended the friendship.  I didn't call him names or anything like that, instead, I bullied him by bossing him around, by telling him what he should do and how he should live his life.  I didn't show him unconditional, consistent, continued love.  I've regretted this for years.  So, I took your post and I wrote to him.  I told him how I felt and that I was sorry.  I hope it brings some healing to him.  Maybe we can also think about what bullying looks like in adults...  We can bully without calling names or stooping to high school antics, but it is still bullying and it is still damaging.

Thank you for writing this. I was bullied a lot when we moved to a small town as I started the 6th grade. The ONLY thing that got me through it was coming home to my parents and family, who loved me and told me so every day of my life, even when I didn't believe it myself Your words are those of wisdom, and I thank you for sharing them. For those of us who've been there, and are trying to raise kids who won't be...--Jules

This blog really struck a chord with me.  This is going to be a long comment, however the ending is quite rewarding.

I was a school-smart kid. Straight As, never studied, always knew the answers without even trying.  In 1st-6th grade, my peers and I were in heavy competition for grades so this was considered 'normal' and encouraged.  I was bullied starting in 7th grade, much to my incredible surprise.  I had always been part of the 'popular' group in elementary school, so when we started middle school (which began in 7th grade where we lived), we all moved to the local middle school and it came as a complete shock that 3 of my best friends no longer wanted to hang out with me.  The boys that I was just starting to notice, no longer thought I was pretty.  The 'in' thing was to NOT be smart and get good grades.

There were two major bullies and several minor allies that pretty much ruled the school.  I became the main target and remained that for 2 years, simply because I refused to let the bigger one cheat off my math test.

I further pissed them off, as I was a very private person, and with all the changes in my body that year, changing for gym class in front of a bunch of other girls scared the hell out of me.  I was teased incessantly for not changing in front of the other girls in the locker room.   I was accused of being deformed, a boy, a lesbian, every horrible thing an 11 year old can think of.  I tried to find reasons to be late for gym so I could be alone, or I used the shower stalls, I played sick, faked injuries, pretended to forget my gym clothes.  This really was horrible for me, because I loved sports and gym class but the teasing made it unbearable. My former friends just looked on and said nothing.  They didn't join in, but they didn't try to help either.  Then one day, the two biggest bullies decided it would be fun to make sure all of the stalls were occupied to try to force me to change with everyone else. I just sat on the bench and quietly cried until they left.  They made themselves very late for gym class, JUST to hurt me.  I know it sounds like no big deal, but to me, to this day, it is the most intentionally hurtful thing I can remember happening to me.

Near the end of 8th grade, somehow I pissed off the bigger girl again.  She told me she was going to kick my ass after school.  I was in utter terror.  I mean, this girl was very tall for her age,  and was a big girl...not fat, just built large, and I was a tiny little thing.  All that day in school, people came up to me and said 'omg i am so sorry for you!'...and 'how are you going to get home?'...'shouldn't you be hiding'?.  I was so scared.  There was not another way for me to go to get home, and I couldn't call my parents or tell the principal..that would make things worse.  So, I started walking home.

This girl and pretty much the entire 8th grade were waiting a block from the school.  Far enough away that no teachers could see.  I knew I couldn't run.  Even my former friends were there to watch. So, I used every ounce of courage and walked up to the group.  The surrounded me, and she started pushing my shoulders and trash talking.  I stood still, looked at her, and simply said 'OK, we all know you are twice my size, so let's get this over with so I can go home.'.  This shocked everyone watching.  I am sure they all thought she was going to kick the crap out of me.  Instead, she just looked at me, and said 'stay out of my way, freak!'. Then she walked away, to my complete shock and everyone else's disappointment.  She generally left me alone after that, however entering high school the following year, two of her cronies kept up the pace.  I convinced my parents to let me transfer schools after 9th grade.  I never told them the level of bullying I experienced, I just told them that the other school had more of my friends and a better program than the one I was at.

The rest of high school was uneventful.  The kids at my new school knew nothing of what happened at the previous school.  I was able to rebuild somewhat of a self-esteem, made great friends, treated everyone with respect.  To this day, I have not spoken to a single person from that first high school.  I know they were afraid to get involved, but I still felt/feel betrayed by their inaction.  And I know the experiences above may not seem like much to those reading this, but the fact that I still feel hurt remembering those two incidents in such detail, even 25 years later, show that the scars are very deep.

The mind=blown part of  this story-  2 years ago, I got a random Facebook message from the big bully.  Not sure how she found me as my last name has changed, but she did.  She said in her message that she felt like even though it was so long ago, she owed me an apology for everything that she did to me. She said she was jealous of me and was going through some tough family stuff at the time,  and that it doesn't excuse it, but she wanted to say that I didn't deserve any of it and she was sorry.

Even 25 years later, that facebook message probably took as much guts as my standing up to her in 8th grade.  And though it didn't erase the scars, it did make them fade just a little.