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I rent out my basement to a family that for all intents and purposes seems “normal”.
Or at least they did, until the day they moved in. And now, there are a lot of really creepy things going on. Don’t laugh. What I am about to tell you is all 100% true.
For example: every… single… night…
I arrive home with Noah, we walk in through the common entrance, and some strong smell always forces Noah’s little nose to start sniffing. As he’s inhaling, he always asks the same question, “what’s that weird smell, dad?” I attempt to breathe it in myself, but you’ll probably remember from this post that I don’t have the world’s best schnoz for things like that. I don’t know, buddy. Let’s just go inside, I say. Sometimes I do get whiffs of it though, and Noah is absolutely correct. Something funny is definitely going on down there.
Other times I’ll come home for lunch, and through the heater vent I’ll hear what sounds like the high-pitched wailing of a suffering animal. Whatever the sound is, it’s painful. And it’s scary.
Today I actually heard a strange woman’s voice yelling, yet simultaneously whispering the words, “hello? is anybody there?” She repeated it several times.
I sometimes hear children crying. I sometimes hear banging on the pipes. Sometimes I hear nothing at all, which to be honest, scares me more than anything.
It finally hit a point at which I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to find out. Was my basement being used as a torture chamber? Were people or animals being sacrificed under my own roof?
It didn’t take long to uncover the truth. And it turns out I was wrong. Thank goodness.
The strong smell that hit us every night was something they call a “home-cooked dinner”. I’m not really sure what that is, but I am assured that it has to do with food and is completely innocent.
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I have often wondered what my duplex-neighbors think of our side of the house. Our three boys can make incredible amounts of noise. They slide down the stairs (not the stair rails, mind you, that would at least be normal; no, they get out their sleeping bags and ride them down the stairs, sled-style, thump, thump, thump, right next to the shared wall). They scream, banshee-style, both when playing AND when tantrumming. They bang on things and wail at night. They occasionally bump into the walls. Oh my stars, it's incredible. Sure, they're not ALWAYS noisy. Sometimes they sleep. But then, one has night terrors ....
It's a good thing they don't regularly show up with bruises, or we'd be answering to DCFS, I've no doubt in my mind. Then again, our neighbors have a ginormous Rottie who makes plenty of noise herself, as well as a teen daughter who has a thing for loud rap, so ....
Maybe we're all perfectly suited for one another. :P
WOW, how big of a house do you have? I can't imagine! Do you and Noah still have alot of living area with the basement for the family w/ 5 kids? Maybe you two can join their family for their dinners at a discount off their rent? :) Or, if you wanted to come all the way to Washington, I would be glad to make a home cooked meal for you! I LOVE to cook ;) But, crockpot meals are easy and they cook themselves! Just throw a bunch of stuff in and call it dinner 8 hrs later! :)
Hilarious! New follower and I'm loving it :)
I rent out my basement as well, though I think my renters are suspect of my family for the same things that you were suspect of your renters. The home cooked meals... guilty, screaming child at least daily...guilty.....wierd knocking sounds...Well my kids are in the phase of playing horses and it does sound a bit ghostly from another floor....guilty again...and screaching... the kids are taking up the violin...Good lord, I hope my renter stays!
Just wanted to add this link http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/
Just add a glass of milk and a piece of cheese or 2 to those Wheat Thins and M&M's and you have a nearly there "home cooked" meal!
LOL! I LOVE THIS!! Well, now that you left your corporate job, you have time to learn to cook! ;)
It's funny how you can get yourself worked up on stuff like that...
I will admit, I was VERY NERVOUS when I started reading this post! I'm a single mom (5 kids of my own, but only two left at home) and I have just renovated my basement to rent out. They move in on the 16th .... fingers crossed they'll be "normal" and good renters!
I now don't feel so guilty about the ice cream I ate for breakfast :-) Just to be clear: I did not eat the ice cream in front of my 5year old... she was already at school, having had a completely acceptable breakfast of oatmeal.
Good on you for looking into it, too many turn a blind eye/ear to things going on around them. So glad it turned out to be fine, but imagine if it wasn't and you didn't investigate?!?! Love your blog :o)
Too funny! My imagination does tend to run wild too! ;)
Haha! Just beward if a new furnace shows up at your house with a thermostat that goes to 5000 degrees.
see, now you need to be the landlord who becomes their best friend so that you can weasel your way into some of those dinners!
I thought this was hilarious! Thanks for sharing!
Check out the 3 and 4 Ingredient cookbook - lots of great, easy recipes. Also, Cooking Around The World For Dummies - you can pick a recipe from a different country for each visit! You Tube has great cooking "classes" for free, as well.
I discovered your blog a few days ago, when you posted "You broke your child." I also loved your piece on perfection. Then I read this post. I am now hooked on your blog. Thank you for the amazing writing!
Dan, you say you don't want a woman now and then you go and fool them into thinking you can't cook and need a woman to cook for you. Way to lure them in!
I vote for A Man, A Can and A Plan! My brother swears by it. :) If I'm in town, I'll cook for him, otherwise, he fends for himself. Poor old guy (he's 8 years older, I'm allowed to say that). :) Hilarious post, hope the Feds were kind to them. :)
E
Nightly home-cooked dinners are the norm in my house! :)
HAHAHA! Thats pretty funny!
classicmarymoments.blogspot.com
My question is: How big is your basement that it can actually hold a family with 5 children? lol! They must keep them all in the same bedroom, which would definitely explain the crying... lmao!
I can only imagine how your man brain would have functioned differently if you had rented to the hot chick instead and then heard those noises. I think you probably would have been more intrigued, then frightened. ; P
I found you though a friends post on Facebook. And HARDHAHA ... don't feel bad about reporting it, what if a child WAS being abused and you did nothing? You would feel ten times worse huh?
I work in a library and there are always noises in there, especially when we close.
What a wonderful piece and how like people to make assumptions about others with out any real knowledge. I found you via Dayna Martin my parenting mentor. She posted your piece about the father and his son, whom he ignored. It touched my heart and soul to read of such behaviour.
A family with five children living in your basement is not so bad. There is a family that lives in the basement of the house next door that has 8 children, AND a Great Dane. So basically 10 people and a horse. They manage. And the mother is surely a saint...
I enjoyed your comical story. I have read two of your writings and look foward to reading more. As an aspiring writer (just beginning), I would like to ask you how did you get started, and do you write for any publishing companies? I have a God-given talent that I would love to explore, and I would like a few role-models in the same field. Have a blessed day and hope you write back soon. --Becca
When in doubt, hamburger helper with a (DRAINED) can of green beans added at the end.
No Oven Pot Roast
Prep time: 15 mins
cooking time: 6-8 hours
one 6 quart crock pot (with lid, glass prefered)
one (3 pound) chuck roast
2-4 CUPS (or mugs) of WATER (skip this and you'll get shoe leather)
4 potatoes
4 stalks of celery
one onion
2 carrots (or one can)
un wrap roast, put in crock pot in the morning ADD WATER. put on lid. turn on high.
wait 4 to 6 hours. poke and check the last few hours.
when meat is cooked chop each bit of veggie into 4 pieces, add to pot. leave on high for 2 hours.
SERVE AND EAT!!
After dinner turn the crock pot off and put in the fridge after it cools. the next day chop up the rest of the meat and veg into spoonful or smaller pieces, add a can or two of tomatoes (diced in can is best) and a little more water before setting it on low and then you'll have delicious stew by lunch.
total price: about $20.00 for two dinners and a lunch. $40 if you need to buy a crock pot.
New crock pot: $20
A meal that would make Mom proud: $20 more
The astonished look on Noah's face when he takes the first bite: Priceless!
;)
You too can make a home cooked meal http://www.cookingforengineers.com/
There are dangers in this, if your food smells better than their food, they may start asking for your recipies.
Hahaha. Do you need someone to send a cook along with a cleaning lady? ;]
Though I am sure my kids would think it was the best meal ever.
Having never had neighbors, I don't know what to say. I am sure with my 7 kids any neighbors would be frightened away. My kids can scream and yell and play and no one hears them. I also have just discovered your blog and have enjoyed the last two very much! Thank you.
LOL funny.
One day last fall, I had a roast in the crockpot and home made bread baking in the oven. My neighbor, a young single guy of about 21-ish knocked on my door. I answered and he says: Ma'am You seem like a sweet lady, you and your kids are great neighbors...I don't know what you're cooking over here but you're driving me nuts! I live on Spaghetti-o's and Top Ramen, and this is just cruel. Can you just adopt me?
Obviously I invited the poor fellow to share dinner with us, he seemed to need a bit of mothering...and interestingly enough he no longer blasts his music and all of his guests are very polite to me...maybe it's the baked good-care packages ;)
Love your blog.
I dream up weird and wonderful things happing in my neighbours houses too, the reality is never as exciting!! Your post was incredibly funny, loving your blog.
I must say at least the noises you heard came from a family and not newly weds!! Those sounds are even more haunting *shiver*
I've had the worst run of roommates in history, I think. I had one that used to steal things and hide them in her room, then tell me they were hers to begin with. Many that would eat all my food and then tell me "we" needed to go to the grocery store for more of what I had just bought 2 days before. An Italian here on a work visa that only showered every 3 days and I couldn't muster up the courage to ask him to apply deodorant. Another that was a drug abusing "exotic dancer" that slept all day and stayed up all night, sometimes bringing strange men over to the house that she met at the club. A guy who I used to find regularly passed out drunk either halfway up the stairs outside to the house or asleep shirtless with his hand down his pants on my front porch swing. And my all time favorite was not only all around coo-coo, but once tried to convince me that my house was haunted by a spirit that would rise from the floor and walk around while I wasn't home, and also that I was a devil worshiper because I had a framed poster of an old french wine advertisement with a little devil holding up a wine bottle hanging on the wall. Through all this, I've laughed and giggled and been disappointed and avoided coming home, but I never evicted anyone of these crazies from my house. BUT, then again, none of them ever broke the cardinal rule.
DO NOT TOUCH MY M&Ms.
I just learned that you have people pay you in M&Ms for referencing their website on your blog. You're pretty much my new hero. Just sayin'.
Wow, you had me worried for a bit! I was waiting for you to walk down there and find that your basement had been transformed into a dungeon with cells and chains. If you get Noah involved in the cooking process (scary, I know) it makes it SO MUCH FUN! Have him add the milk and butter to mac & cheese and he'll be the happiest kid in the world. Then he can help you wash dishes when you're done. Kids love to be involved in the kitchen! They just don't understand that cooking and cleaning are actually "chores" they may hate later in life.
Glad it's not just me who gets scared of ridiculous (in hindsight) things. :-P
Will be sending you recipes! Time in the kitchen is some of our best family time.
A friend of mine showed me your blog a few days ago, and I just LOVE reading!! This post was hilarious hahaha, and a sad thing is I know of these "wheat thin and m&m" dinners :)
I just discovered your blog, amazing stuff, i must say!
My husband and I are certainly not the greatest cooks in the world, but we've discovered a few websites with user friendly recipes for classic favorites, like homemade mac & cheese, Tater tot casserole, even a simple strongoff recipe...my favorite cooks.com
Keep Writing the great stuff, i'm sending my husband your way...:-)
Single Dad Lauging you should check out my blog. I'm a single Mom of 4: an older daughter and triplet girls. How's that for some laughs? " target="_blank">www.tripletsplus1.blogspot.com
LOL. The people downstairs probably say to themselves: That nice but strange guy upstairs...I hear he tortures his kid by making him eat nothing but cereal and canned raviolis, and I hear constant mumbling (talking to yourself while writing).......
I discovered you yesterday, spent almost 2 hours reading, crying, laughing. At one point, my 9 year old noticed the tears streaming down my face and asked, "Mom, what's so sad?" By that time I had already moved on to something comical and had simply forgot about the tears that had yet to dry. Keep it up my friend, I look forward to each and every new post.
HAHAHAHA!!!
Lauging hysterically now, I am sooooo glad I am not the only one with an overactive imagination who also then finds out quite "normal" things were happening.
sounds like the blog man needs to start following the "pioneer woman cooks" blog... she'll teach you to cook. The only problem with these home cooked meals that you speak of is that they take time. And ingredients. But, since Noah seems to be an excellent child, perhaps he would like to learn as well?
...alright, strike that... I just got a mental image of a clueless man and his 3 yr old with a mixer. Maybe sticking to the M&Ms is best for all.
And wow... 5 children in a basement... sounds absolutely torturous to me. ::shudder::
I just looked at the Pioneer Woman blog...thank you for talking about it! I'm definately going to go there often!