Just to warn you, today’s post is not a highly polished masterpiece. It is more of a personal journal that I am using to sort out a few of my thoughts. I hope you will find power in it still.
The last few nights I have been seriously contemplating the person that I now am, and I thought I’d bring you along for the ride. What I am about to write is very honest. Perhaps too honest. I share it in hopes that for some it will be the catalyst they need to look inside of themselves and examine the very things that I have had to examine since starting this blog.
As an adult, I’ve always been a “good guy”. I’ve always tried to be kind. I’ve always tried to love and help others. I’ve always been a good dad. I’ve always tried to be a good husband. I have always been extremely passionate about the things in which I believe.
But, the truth is, until recently, I’ve also been a canker to mankind in so many ways. I have made many societal problems worse instead of better. I have said things that should never have been said. I have thought things that should never have been thought. By anyone.
I started Single Dad Laughing back when I was extremely broken and fragile.
You see, when I started this, I had just failed in my second marriage. I thought I had given it my all. I didn’t understand how or why it really ended. I only know that I felt like a failure and a loser. I was sad and discouraged. If you read my earliest posts you will feel the heart of a man who is broken. One who is simply trying to keep his head above water. I don’t like going back to those posts. They’re too painful. Truth be told, I’d like to delete every single one of them.
But I won’t. They are still honest. And they are who I was when I started this.
In some of those posts I mentioned “hot girls”. I mentioned “ugly girls”. All for a laugh. I didn’t get it. Even as recently as a few months ago, I didn’t get it.
But then, something happened. Something rocked my world. Something had the power to pull me out of my sorrow long enough to actually look at myself, and my message, top to bottom.
One event gave me enough perspective to fundamentally start changing who I was, and what I wanted to be in this world. One event made me start feeling pain every time I used my voice for anything but love.
You see, somebody I love very much, and to whom I am very close, came forward and admitted that she had been struggling with a serious problem for ten years. None of us knew. None of us had any idea. The details are hers to share, when she is ready. That is not my place. Just know that what she told us put me in a place where I was forced to honestly examine myself.
And when I did, I didn’t like what I found. The broader picture hit me so hard that one night I completely lost it and started crying in the darkness of my bedroom. I could suddenly see the true scope of the pain and conflict I was always adding to the world. I could suddenly see the damage that my constant sarcastic and “humorous” remarks were inflicting. I always used to say I don’t understand why women can’t just love themselves. Yet, I was living a life where I would look at any woman and immediately decide whether she was valuable or not based on what she looked like when she first entered my gaze.
And this night, the night that I lost it, I felt as big as a pebble. I felt as loathsome as a cockroach. It was me that caused this person to carry the cross she was carrying. It was me that caused her to hide it for ten years. It was me.
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I really Loved this! Thankyou!!:D
Thank you for sharing your heart. Your articles have really touched me and I appreciate it.
You trully are an amazing person Dan. I just finished reading this post, and I'm speechless. You are a beautiful person on the inside and out. This post has really it home with me, and left me wondering hy don't I love myself? I also read the post on the Cosco incident. You are an amazing dad too. Your little boy is so blessed to have you for his dad. You couldn't have said things any better. Pat yourself on the back Dan. You deserve it. Thanks so much for what you do. You have inspired me to be a better person. God Bless You and your boy.
My recent post Bed Head Hot Body Curling Iron Review & Giveaway
Dan,
I welcome on the journey of "why' - it think of what Nietzsche said about living with any how if you have a why.
If you haven't yet read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" I would recommend it.
Btw, I sometimes wonder about the wisdom of telling people to love themselves before they can truly love others. I think maybe its about accepting your own imperfection and making peace with it before you can approach others with similar lenses. But that is of course my own imperfect opinion. ;-)
Doet so voort.
My recent post 5 sad conclusions of children with angry parents
Remember "life is full of ups and downs," "keep moving forward," "do to others as if you would have done to you," remember all these old saying and more. Be sure to teach them to your children, they are not trivial, they matter. Do a good deed for the day, no matter how small. Love and teach your children to be themselves but help guide them in a good direction and most importantly love and teach yourself.
Keep being awesome and thank you Dan! You are a wonderful person and father.
She is me, she is a mini me! And that is when I felt I could love myself again. I never realized that I loved her so much for the person she is because she is just like me. OK some things may be genetic, but what struck me was how she treats people. Everyone is a person to her, not a color, gender, fat, skinny, ugly or pretty, whoever they are they all deserve a "Hi!" from Ellamia. And if you don't say "Hi" back she will keep saying it until you do and then she makes you smile, or as most say "she makes my heart happy." I love my daughter, and I am very proud of whom she is. I am also proud of myself for being a good mother to her. And like you said Dan, as long as I have "that" it is a wonderful life.
I have spent most of my life being a selfish brat, and I know that now. I realized it two years ago when my daughter was born. Life is amazing and the most beautiful thing in life are children. The things that I use to care so much about don't mean anything to me now, and the things that I use to think were so trivial are more important than ever.
Before I had my daughter, I use to care about my looks so much that it consumed my whole life. Even though everyone thought I was "pretty" I hated myself. I knew there was more to me than my looks but I didn't even like that. Then one day it hit me when I was watching my daughter. She laughs, smiles and says "Hi!" to every person that walks by her. I was thinking, "I would love to be her," she is so happy, friendly and loved, without a care in the world and just completely sweet with a bit of silly. Then I started thinking how I use to be like her, exactly like her, then it hit me......
absolutely amazing. you put it into words what my heart has been trying to express for years.
thank you.
Yay! I have just discovered your blog and I'm loving it so far. You write so candidly and openly, which makes me wonder this: If we were all as candid and open as you are, every moment of every day, what would the world be like? I completely relate to your experience of learning to love yourself. I've only had a couple of moments in my life when that was true, and let me tell you, it felt amazing: like I finally had the courage to speak up for myself, know that what i was feeling was LEGITIMATE and needed to be heard, and was worth speaking about.
You are absolutely right: no amount of compliments, of other people telling you how amazing you are will ever make you love yourself. YOU are the only one who can change your thoughts. The beautiful thing is, everybody has the capacity for infinite self-love, you it's often buried under lower mind-thoughts.
You have such a unique ability to write the thoughts of so many. There is a great army of people out there that feel this inner tug, and I am so proud to be a work in progress who can grow and laugh at the things I used to do and be...:)
I just discovered your blog through a friend...I was deeply touched by this. You have expressed it beautifully and I couldn't agree more. Loving ourselves is important and realizing every single person on this earth has a past and is fighting their own "battle" that we may know nothing about. Every one needs to feel valued and loved...everyone truly is beautiful. I am grateful to the many people who make this world go 'round and add to the beauty of life. Thanks for sharing!
Another great article, I am hooked! A man with a true heart! I am an advocate for "one must love themselves before they can love others". You hit the nail on the head and not only that you have lived it and seen the proof. I have often been asked how I can smile through the tragedies I have experienced (i.e. the death of my husband and also my only brother). My answer lies is the love for myself and the ones around me and living life with no regrets. Thank you again, you are a true inspiration!
My recent post Beauty in the World!
Dan, you're beautiful and I love you (and I just started reading you today after one of my wonderful friends posted your "Perfection" column on Facebook). Thank you for your honesty and for doing your part to open all of our eyes to the beauty in each of us. I hope to someday love myself, but until I can do that, I WILL stop judging and criticizing and devaluing others.
Thank you.
Emma
A year ago I was married to a man who was Perfect - except when he was using all his considerable mental and emotional energies to tear me (and my son) down and apart. Much of what he did was "humorous" and we "just didn't get it" or were "too sensitive" but it was part of a pattern of destruction that ultimately led to the demise of our marriage, his (extremely promising) career, and possibly even his life (I've lost track of him now, but believe he is homeless). Both me and my son would have been destroyed in the hurricane of his Perfection had I not had a revelation similar to yours above.
I'm so very glad that you were able to wake up and see what you were doing, to yourself, others and the world. Thank you for sharing - and for turning into a force for good.
I just found your blog as well. If there were more people that thought like this the world would be a better place. Unfortunately that is not the case. I understand about not loving yourself and the fears of being a larger person. I am a large girl and people judge me all of the time based on my looks. They think that I am lazy because I cant lose the weight. well you know what? it is harder that people think. I am always fearful that I wont be able to see my beautiful children grow up because of the health problems my weight has caused. I am not one of those people that can actually afford health care. I do my best to just survive and give my children all I can. Maybe if more people thought like you have began to think it would be just a little bit easier on those of us that are having a hard time living with ourselves. We are hard enough on our self we don't' need any on else to be hard on us to. I know this may sound like a bit of a rant but I guess I just needed to vent and maybe just someone to listen.
I learned something reading this...that I don't love myself and I wonder if I ever really did. I have a lot of work to do. Thank you for this story. :)
Dan, thank you for this article, I posted it onto my fb pg. along with a couple of others that touched me. You are right, when saying we have to love ourselves first and it is hard, and a life long process and journey for some of us. I had a difficult childhood, so I have spent half of my adulthood fixing what got messed up when I was a child. I am glad I finally realized that I am important, beautiful inside and out and I can honestly say that I love myself, but it took me a long time to get here. I can now encourage my children to love themselves as well and to be compassionate, caring people. I am happy for your friend who was hurting for 10 yrs. because she has you as her friend!! What a wonderful gift to give to her, the gift of change, encouragement, understanding and for you to be by her side through her hard times and now that you know, you can be her rock. Thank you for your very honest writings! Take care.
I just found your blog (late November), so I've been slowly reading through the archives and catching up. But I felt that I needed to comment on this post.
I found your blog at a very interesting time in my life. I spent 5 years as a teacher, only ending my career to become a stay-at-home-mom to my son. Your bullying posts have really hit home with me, as I now consider that topic from the perspective of a parent of a potential targeted bully, rather than the teacher of the bullies/bullied.
As a teacher, a lot of things would slide with me. Bullying was NEVER one of those things. And, boy, did my students know it. I taught in a very tough neighborhood in Phoenix, AZ. Bullies abounded. But NOT in my classroom. My only hope is that my lessons stuck with those kids. One can dream, right?
I digress. This post, in particular, caught my attention because I have recently found myself reflecting on who I am and who I want to raise my son to be. I have found myself (more often than I care to admit) making snap judgments about people. Although these judgments are silent, I realize that they WILL be transferred to my son. After all, kids learn more from our actions than our words, right? I have been making a conscious effort to halt my "judge a book by its cover" judgments and recognize my "putting myself in that person's shoes" thoughts, if nothing else, for the sake of raising my son to be an open and affirming person.
Due to this effort, I have noticed myself becoming more critical of myself. I have realized that my flaws are the flaws that I so readily criticize in others. My strengths are what I admire in others. I have made a conscious decision to more honestly evaluate myself, thereby becoming more honest in my evaluation of others.
In short (ha!), your post could not have come at a more appropriate time in my life. As I strive to become more accepting and less judgmental of others, your words ring true to my heart and I am thankful that I am not alone in my quest. At 31, and seeing the world through the eyes of the son I am raising, I am just now starting to love myself. Every fiber of my being wishes to teach my son to grow up loving himself in the way it took me 31 years to figure out.
I loved what you have written. It was very thought provoking and inspiring. I've passed it on to family and friends. And not to make light of what you have said (because like I said, I loved it!) but I couldn't help but think of the line off Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carey asks what the chances would be that she would date him and when she answers, "one in a million." he answers with, "so you're telling me there's a chance!" I love that line! Thanks for what you have written it really does keep me on a constant evaluation of where I want to be.
Opps. This comment was supposed to go with the post about the "small numbers". It really makes no sense with this post, but a little with the small numbers post. Sorry!
I realized this after my divorce. I always saw my ex-husband as beautiful when no one else would. It took me a few months before I was able to pick myself up and stop judging. :) I'm glad you see it.
I like this post and I do see the beauty in others, almost all people. I've always tried not to judge other people, but I don't know if I'll ever NOT judge myself. Maybe some day, but for right now, I'll just work at it and make one small change at a time. :-)
Love what you've got going on over here, and love this post as well!
I'm browsing around all over the place, but this post struck a chord and reminded me of so many women who struggle with their identity. I had to comment and share my version of this topic in case you wanted to read another perspective from a woman who didn't need a man to tell her negative things about herself, because she did enough of it. ;-) http://bransblahg.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/i-went...
It's refreshing that in a world of mommy blogs there is actually a dad blog out there! I'll definately be coming back!
And something else that is beautiful: your brutal honesty. Very admirable. I wish you luck on embarking on your new life that stems as a result.
I struggled for so long to describe to my husband and others why everyone is beautiful to me. I honestly could always see the beauty in others- just as you so wonderfully described - I truly loved myself in all ways. I was often called "psycho" or fake for it - it even threw people off or scared them away. Living around that for 14 years...took it's toll. Curious how seemingly good people can still be very clueless about how they affect others. Thank you for this reminder - your words could not have come my way at a better time - because I'm slowly returning to my 'window' where I see from it more beauty and joy in all.
I can't wait to reach the point that "commenter" Lindsay made
"I'm crying. I just recently fell in love with myself too, Dan. And my God it changed my life. It changed the way I see absolutely EVERYTHING and everyone. I feel sad for the old me who didn't love herself, so profoundly sad for that person. And sad for everyone who doesn't love themselves.
It is only in loving ourselves that we can truly love another and when we feel that, the love will run so deep and readily. Life is beautiful when you see it through the eyes of love.
Thank you for sharing your story."
^getting to that point is what Im looking forward to.
What an incredible post. I'm so glad I found your blog. It's difficult to come across this kind of honesty. You are inspiring.
I am so happy and inspired that you chose to accept this journey that you've been on, Dan. I also appreciate your honesty and your self-reflection, which can be scary and painful, and yet so rewarding if you stick it out. Of course, it is a lifelong process. It would be great if more men could be courageous in the way that you have.
It may have taken you 30 years to get to where you are now, but many many men (and women) never get there. With this forum you have here, I imagine you will have the opportunity to help inspire others to begin to look within themselves and examine how they might be negatively affecting others, and society at large. Everyone's journey will be different, but I thank you for bravely and insightfully sharing yours.
I hope you do ergonomic stretches to make up for all the time you spend at the computer! I am certainly touched by your words here, and in every other post I have read so far. I recently discovered my own path to "loving myself" again. For it to even begin, I had to get away from my family. Because there is hardly one that loves themself enough to reach out to me, ever. I know that may sound judgmental to some, but really I moved away 8 years ago for the first time. I finally started seeing myself a little more clear and seeing my own self worth and efficaciousness. Then a few years later I got married and we moved over a thousand miles away. That was 2.5 years ago and I'm starting to get it, more and more. I can start seeing clearly now that I am not entangled in the mess anymore. I feel so much relief!
I live in Texas now. I just love Texas. People are nice. People say "hello" when they see me. I'm no longer invisible! Hurray! I'm sure there are friendly people in other states too, its just a greater concentration here. And plus, the signs on the freeway read "Don't slow Texas down" which equates to: get out of the left lane, slow poke!
Btw, your article of "The Disease Called Perfection" really got me thinking- and feeling my truth in a major way. I wrote a blog post on my own blog about a lot of things in my life that I have never told anyone about. (Mainly because no one asked.) I felt the same feeling you described above- I just wanted to delete it all and keep the smile plastered on my face. But I courageously hit the "publish" button and now I'm not hiding anymore. Has anyone called me to talk about it? No. I did get a couple comments from my family though. I think I'm mostly disowned though. I think I've been disowned for a long time. That is what happens when you grow up in a church where you are taught to have #########!!! kids or else you are damned.
Exactly.
Beautiful post.
Beautiful blog.
Beautiful you.
An interesting angle I picked up when I was learning acupuncture, and one I think you might appreciate (it sure helped me!): More often than not, coming to love oneself is HOW we change the world. Changing the world is as easy - and as difficult - as changing how we see it and how we live it.
Wow. Very insightful. I'm so impressed, and I am going to start reading your blog.
I DO see the beauty in others, but have a hard time loving myself. I rarely compare myself to others (I truly don't want to live anyone else's life), but often feel like I am not "good enough" to be a part of anything worthwhile. I just don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere. I am not willing to be fake in order to fit, but I don't know what is "wrong" with me either. I know I am over 100 lbs overweight, have some health problems, and have been married and divorced twice, but that is not who I am. I was not "accepted" when I was 100 lbs dripping wet, had the measurements of 36-24-38, and had long beautiful hair, so I know it isn't just my appearance. It is something deep inside. I am still searching for the answer.
Thanks, I have a long way to go. You are insightful and it helps to read something like this. I think I've cried while reading most of your posts, so I guess I've got a long way to go until I can get it all out. But, it's really inspiring to read this.
I think the last time I loved myself was when I was just a child. I only recently fell in love with myself again. It took 2 years in a black pit of dispair, a failed marriage, and finally letting go of the hatred I felt for the person who "did that to me". I see now that I had a realization...I didn't know it at the time. I was able to let go of an anger more intense than I have ever felt before in my life. I was able to look at a person for whom I felt a soul blackening hatred, and say "I love you despite the fact you stumbled and fell" instead of "I hate you because you hurt me". That was the moment I loved myself again. The realization was: If I can love this person despite his 'failures', and see him as a good and beautiful person. I CAN love myself. I did fall in love with myself again a couple months ago, and I didn't even realize it until now.
And this person I, at one point, thought i'd hate forever and never speak to again just now texted me to let me know he's coming over to watch the hockey game with me. Life is beautiful. :)
Wow! I'm seeing that the path to loving myself is lifelong, a journey. My tendancy would be to figure out how to do it quickly and then get frustrated when it doesn't and then dislike myself because I couldn't get even that right.
Noticing the true person is a lot harder than taking a 1 second assessment of someone I see. I often have to say to myself (and often the person I'm with), "Someone loves her/him." It really helps stop the negative labeling for even a moment and the combination of those moments will lead up to a new way of looking at people. Maybe even a new way of looking at myself.
Wouldn't that be nice?
I am working on loving myself. I agree that it is hard work. You see I have never had a problem, seeing the beauty in others but in myself, well that's another story. Why is this? I don't know but I am working it out and your honesty helps me to realize how important it really is....thank you.
What another amazing blog post.
I am trying to learn to love myself because God loves me.
My family went to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend and I was very timid about being in a swimsuit because I am overweight. But then I thought back to the reason I was there. I was there for my children. I was there to make memories with them. I was there to be in the moment. And none of that relied on how I looked.
I stopped caring about what I looked like and focused on having fun with my children. We had an amazing weekend and not once did I consider myself fat and ugly.
I took a moment to look around while I was there. There were other mothers and fathers that were overweight and in swimsuits. But I didn't see that. What I saw was a bunch of families having fun and creating memories.
Thank you for all you are doing Dan to change the world. Maybe one person at a time we can start loving ourselves and in turn love everyone around us.
Oh how I love your honesty! It seems our desires (and blogs) are very similar in intent though they look different. Every person longs for unfailing love. This year I realized how desperately I need it & how all my anger and pain stems from not receiving it. I grew up with the mentality that I had to take care of myself because nobody else will, and I still fight against it today, and it's only faithful love from God and from others that has broken down my barriers. It's hard to resist love (thankfully!). And once we learn how to receive it (alot of us unlearned it when we didn't get it), we will realize how much we are loved, which will enable us to love ourselves and then to pour that out to others. The Bible mentions loving your neighbor as yourself, and I think we somehow miss the "yourself" part as if loving yourself is selfish! If we happen to believe in a God who created us and loves us (as I do), then how could you not love yourself?! If you don't love yourself, your very own being, then in no way could you ever love another being. So thank you, Dan, for pointing that out & for once again putting yourself on the table. It's beautiful, it really is.
Thanks Dan. that was truely beautiful said and touches the heart and soul.
It's hard to love yourself. I struggle with it. This is a very touching blog.
As a child, I was taught to love others MORE than myself. I gave myself away to others because it was expected of me to earn the title of being a good person. But inside, I resented doing the right thing because it was not my CHOICE to love indiscriminately. I was under the impression that in treating people as I would like to be treated meant that others would treat me as well as they would want to be treated. Ultimately, that set me up to manipulate others "in advance" for being treated well in return. I spent 35 years feeling frustrated as my "selflessness" never ensured the love I sought. I was misled into becoming dependent on others to fill my love well, and never taught HOW to fill it myself. Everyone says," You can't love another until you love yourself", but the truth is, very few people know how to do it themselves, let alone, share that knowledge.
I have come to understand that each of us has four parts to our whole identity, Ideally, being functional in all of these areas allows us to filter information through each, to help us make confident, balanced decisions that allow us to love and respect ourselves. Trusting our intellectual process gives us confidence to make the best decisions for our individual situations. Our emotional selves are our compass to know if we are heading in the right direction for our own emotional good. Our physical world is the way our spirit experiences this life. Our spiritual side connects our inner world to community and universal spirit. Our morality and conscience come from this place. Without a decent connection to all four parts, we cannot find true self love.
Everyone knows someone who solely filters all of their information through one dominant sector. Can you think of someone who is emotionally detached, who uses their intellect for materialistic gain, with no conscience? This person would be detached from their spirituality and emotion, but is lead by their intellect to gain assets in the physical sense. They are imbalanced, having only groomed 2 parts out of four.
On the flip side, do you know a person who may be giving to a fault, ignoring their emotional needs, who have very little physical assets, and look to others for guidance? That person's dominant facets are spiritual morality over emotional honesty, physical comfort and intellectual confidence. This person is usually depicts the doormat, having little self esteem but gets by on other peoples generosity and sympathy.
When all four parts work together in decision making, the intellect uses logic to make the best choice THROUGH comparing the emotional responses, and the moral repercussions or potential spiritual impact on the greater good.
Take a moment to challenge yourself to analyze your own characteristics. If you cannot see your own initially, sometimes being able to see your best friend or partner give insight to yourself. Generally, we are attracted to people who have opposing strengths to correct our deficits.
If you'd like to expand on self love, understanding our whole selves, and loving others unconditionally, please consider reading these books. Each one took me a step closer to love, peace and light.
I learned to respect myself through reading a book called Love Is a Choice http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_55?url=s...
Reading Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth unexpectedly brought me to a place of deep peace and unwavering joy. http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Lifes-P...
It seems whenever we change inside, we can so easily go back and condemn ourselves for who we were before. We all need to keep that in mind, then, when we encounter others along the road we've just travelled. They deserve our love too, and our help to get to a place where they can love themselves and fully love others.
Dan, it might seem embarrassing to you, but it is your journey that helps us all.
Another thing to think about... I have been thinking about this a lot recently... We become closest to the people with whom we heal. That's why our best friends are the ones who've seen us through the worst and still love us. :)
Incredibly touching...thankyou for your honesty. This perfectionist attitude that you have spoken of and the somewhat nasty overflow is one of the behaviours that has had an impact in the breakup of my marriage. The shear intolerance that comes with it is frightening. I am so glad you have discovered this for yourself and been brave enough, dare I say man enough to share this with so many. My ex-partner today still does not understand the impact that this behaviour has had and at times still has on me...I am still in the process of healing. For me it is just knowing that I along with every single living human being is fearfully and wonderfully made. I love any opportunity I get to let others know how important they are. That each of one us are beautifully unique and have been born to live and fullfill a purpose in life that is uniquely ours alone, in the context of a relational world. All the very best as you continue to journey and grow into the light of the new path you have found Again, Thankyou
I just read on a blog this week and it fits your post: Become a new person, change your mind. Or something close to that (I mix my metaphors too....)
Amazing Post Dan... I loved reading it although it was hard to read at times as I identified with it all to much... I am still on the journey of self love... Thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us. You are an inspiration!
this was a good post...very truthful and heartfelt....do i love myself? not at all. do i judge others? sometimes i do. i can in myself the things you used to do and feel...as someone who is overweight, when i someone bigger than me, i tend to think 'ugh, thank god i'm not that big at least' and its really unfair and horrible of me to think. but i do it because just as you said, i dont love myself...and if i can find fault with others, then it somehow makes me feel better about myself...yet that's not the way to do it...its a very mean and horrible thing to do, especially when i sit and cry sometimes wishing people would just care about ME and not judge me for my appearance...yet i do it to other people all the time.
eye opening....thank you for this post...something to think of....
I have been following your blog since someone linked me to your Perfection post. I read a few posts prior, and all posts since. Unfortunately, I am very aware that as much was I -want- to love myself, I don't.
I was bullied excessively all through school, from first grade until I dropped out of highschool to get my GED rather than face one more single day getting stuffed into lockers, thrown off the bleachers, mocked, and being used for a laugh. Since then, I've had several successful jobs, I've taken some college, but my fear of being made the butt of every joke again has cause some insane social anxiety I just can't rid myself of... I've gotten married to a wonderful man and, I've even modeled.
My husband is such a wonderful man, and he tells me daily how wonderful he believes I am. How beautiful and how smart and how great. I always tell him I love him, because I do, but I can't believe him. I try to - but there's always a part of me that says he's just pandering to me for his own ends. And I don't mind of course, he's fantastic to me, I can't complain.
Mostly, I read your blog and I have this wistful sort of envy. What I wouldn't give to see myself, and see me how my husband sees me. Or, how even you would see me, or anyone else for that matter.
Granted, I have never been a cruel person. I was raised in cruelty, and I consider myself quite small and gentle, and my friends always come to me first when there is a problem, children love me and I love kids... A friend of mine once told me that I was his lighthouse. I wasn't the biggest building on the shore, but I was the brightest, and he knew he could find safety following my light.
And I can't help but wonder what it would take to keep a little of my light for myself? I subscribed to your blog and will keep reading, because it's so nice and it gives me a sense of warm fuzzies, and I am eagerly waiting to see what will happen with the money I donated for that something Awesome.
Maybe somewhere along the way as you write I'll figure out what none of my therapists or friends could show me, as you seem to have a better grasp on loving one's self than they do. Please keep posting, some of us love reading. Thank you!
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Much food for thought here, Dan. I'm off to do some serious musing about myself. Thank you.
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