Just to warn you, today’s post is not a highly polished masterpiece. It is more of a personal journal that I am using to sort out a few of my thoughts. I hope you will find power in it still.
The last few nights I have been seriously contemplating the person that I now am, and I thought I’d bring you along for the ride. What I am about to write is very honest. Perhaps too honest. I share it in hopes that for some it will be the catalyst they need to look inside of themselves and examine the very things that I have had to examine since starting this blog.
As an adult, I’ve always been a “good guy”. I’ve always tried to be kind. I’ve always tried to love and help others. I’ve always been a good dad. I’ve always tried to be a good husband. I have always been extremely passionate about the things in which I believe.
But, the truth is, until recently, I’ve also been a canker to mankind in so many ways. I have made many societal problems worse instead of better. I have said things that should never have been said. I have thought things that should never have been thought. By anyone.
I started Single Dad Laughing back when I was extremely broken and fragile.
You see, when I started this, I had just failed in my second marriage. I thought I had given it my all. I didn’t understand how or why it really ended. I only know that I felt like a failure and a loser. I was sad and discouraged. If you read my earliest posts you will feel the heart of a man who is broken. One who is simply trying to keep his head above water. I don’t like going back to those posts. They’re too painful. Truth be told, I’d like to delete every single one of them.
But I won’t. They are still honest. And they are who I was when I started this.
In some of those posts I mentioned “hot girls”. I mentioned “ugly girls”. All for a laugh. I didn’t get it. Even as recently as a few months ago, I didn’t get it.
But then, something happened. Something rocked my world. Something had the power to pull me out of my sorrow long enough to actually look at myself, and my message, top to bottom.
One event gave me enough perspective to fundamentally start changing who I was, and what I wanted to be in this world. One event made me start feeling pain every time I used my voice for anything but love.
You see, somebody I love very much, and to whom I am very close, came forward and admitted that she had been struggling with a serious problem for ten years. None of us knew. None of us had any idea. The details are hers to share, when she is ready. That is not my place. Just know that what she told us put me in a place where I was forced to honestly examine myself.
And when I did, I didn’t like what I found. The broader picture hit me so hard that one night I completely lost it and started crying in the darkness of my bedroom. I could suddenly see the true scope of the pain and conflict I was always adding to the world. I could suddenly see the damage that my constant sarcastic and “humorous” remarks were inflicting. I always used to say I don’t understand why women can’t just love themselves. Yet, I was living a life where I would look at any woman and immediately decide whether she was valuable or not based on what she looked like when she first entered my gaze.
And this night, the night that I lost it, I felt as big as a pebble. I felt as loathsome as a cockroach. It was me that caused this person to carry the cross she was carrying. It was me that caused her to hide it for ten years. It was me.