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Uh oh.

Does anybody have a direct number for the CIA or the military? I’ve gathered some fairly scary intelligence that I think they need to be made aware of.

What I am about to tell you may get me killed. It’s the price I’m willing to pay to save a lot of innocent lives.

As you know, I have a lot of fun finding humor in my Google Analytics maps (maps that show me who is visiting and from where). In the past I’ve realized that I should never date a girl from South Dakota. Later, I came to realize just how much communists dislike me. Well, there is nothing funny about what I found today.

Let’s start with America.

As you can see, we have done little to protect our borders. We are spread far and wide throughout the country, each of us doing our own thing, oblivious to what is inevitably about to happen.

We’ve never-endingly debated about immigrants crossing over from Mexico, but look at the map. Turns out that, for the most part, they’re minding their own business down there and don’t really care about taking over the nifty fifty. That’s a relief.

Until we look at Canada. And this is where it gets scary. Canada is setting up for something big. While we’ve been fighting amongst ourselves about the people South of the border, we’ve left ourselves wide open to infiltration and attack from our neighbors to the North.

Canada is moving their entire population to our borders. Holy crud. We’re going to get our keisters kicked. How did we not see this sleeping giant creeping in? They’ll start by stomping circles into our corn fields. Then they’ll take us, one city at a time until we are forced to join with them and become Canerica. We can’t let this happen. American chocolate is inferior enough. I refuse to eat the Canadian chocolate too.

Now, perhaps some of you in other parts of the world are thinking to yourselves, we don’t care. That is your continent. That is your war. Well, think again.

Norway is preparing a Naval launch and will soon join its sisters, Sweden and Finland.

Sweden and Finland are marching south, gathering armies at their southern ports.

But, who could these “tender-hearted” and “peaceful” people have in their crosshairs?

By the looks of it, I’d put my bet on Germany, a country that has spread themselves thin and wide, just like we have here in America. Germany, you have a lot of dots, but those dots can’t save you if you don’t do something quick. You’re about to get a Scandinavian butt whoopin’.

And that’s far from the end of the beginning of World War III. Australia is getting ready for war with New Zealand. New Zealand is ready to fight back.

The Brits are getting ready to destroy France!

And perhaps the scariest of all… is Greenland.

While Canada is taking over America, Greenland is sneaking in from behind to take over everything.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. The proof is here in these little orange dots. What else could they possibly mean? I’m not paranoid. This is real stuff, people! I’m going to head down to my three-year underground bunker now. I’ll see you all when the dust settles. Please send all M&Ms to 123 Bendoverandkissyourbuttgoodbye Lane.

Oh, and I didn’t quite know what to make of Japan. Any hunches?

Please, immediately share this on Facebook and Twitter. We must prepare. We must warn our friends. We must do something.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

DISCLAIMER: These dots are nothing more than the visitors logging onto Single Dad Laughing over the past month. Please don’t do anything stupid after reading this like shootin’ off nukes or putting bayonets through your neighbors’ cows. I’m going to feel a smidge bit guilty if people start panicking and World War III actually does break out.

Let’s have some fun! What are some other funny ways you could interpret these maps, and what else do you see that I have missed all-together!?

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!