What should the bullied do?

A course in martial arts will train you to handle a physical bully and a course in Nero Languestic Programming (NLP)will give you a suite of armor for the rest of your life.  Richard Bandler was my teacher in NLP. It's a training manual for your brain. Google it or Richards name and the paths will be open to you.

i want to tell you something. i was bullied A LOT! WHEN i was in school! today i am 28 and my BEST FRIEND was one of those bullies. her and i had a mutual friend but she was forever mean to me. one day in a class we had together another bully was saying some very very nasty things to her. i turned to him and shot a few interesting things his way. the whole class blew up including the teacher who fell out of his chair from laughter.  the girl i stood up for, jess, is today my closest and dearest friend. and actually not because of that day. after that day she was never mean to me any more and neither were most the other bullies. i was then known for my mouth and people bully you to make themselves feel bigger. but any way jess and i a few years later were pregnant at the same time. so we started going to appts together. and now we are completely inseparable. so keep in mind people when you belittle those bullies. they are people. This one she's like family to me! i don't know what i would do with out her! i forgave her and all the history is that history. i put my arm around on a regular basis. her kids call me aunty mimi, my son calls her aunt jesse! don't be an anti bully bully! all you are doing is becoming the same as the bullies.  not the bigger and better person!

throw the bullies down the stairs. punch them in the face every time they look at you, then they wont bother you anymore.

So the bullied should find their voice? Then what?

I was a bit confused by how you said in the article that anything besides shrugging it off would make it worse. I think you also said something about how getting angry would make it worse. I don't get it. Isn't it important for the bullied to stand up to bullies? I mean, you're encouraging them to find their voice after all. Can't finding a voice and standing up to the bullies build the confidence to end the bullying? That's always been the solution I've heard.

I was bullied for my entire childhood. I always knew that my sibs didn't love me, my parents didn't love me and my teachers thought I was worthless. That's right, the WORST of the bullying came from the TEACHERS. I was made fun of for having learning disabilities, told I was stupid, fat and worthless. By the teachers. The other kids picked up on what a sack of sh*t I was and ran with it. My FIRST memory is sitting in the car and looking out the back window and wishing I was dead. I was in pre-school. How much is parental, peer and authority figures or my own issues, I'll never know. To this day, I refuse to have anything to do with my sibs since the most "loving" of them makes sure that I cry (at 36 that's a trick) and know how much I was never loved or wanted every single time I visit with her. Simply loving a bully may not be enough. We need to figure out as a society where our priorities are and make some changes in our culture.

"People who love themselves don't hurt other people."

I don't think that's true. Although I agree with most of your post, the people who bullied me were doing it "for the lulz", and it had nothing to do with their self-esteem. (Before they bullied me, and even after, I knew them on a very personal level so I can know this.) If anything they had an inflated ego; they knew they could get away with anything and wanted a little fun, regardless of whether it was fun for me. I once asked one of the bullies, by passing a note to them in class, "Why do you even *do* this?" She answered with a "You exist" and a little smiley face in yellow highlighter.

I was bullied at school. Not all through school, but my final two senior years, it began when I was 17. This nearly destroyed me. It was because I was good at my studies and wasn't going to let anything get in the way of succeeding. Apparently this was the wrong social move in a small working class (excuse the use of the term, but that's what it was) town, where there was a peer pressure to fail Math to be part of the group. I obviously wasn't part of that group. I tried to fit in, but my grades were too high. By the time I left, all my friends had turned against me, and I was alone, except for one solitary friend. This can be the most difficult situation, and many others facing what I faced have either succumbed, or committed suicide. I was already having a hard time with life in the family home, and in a bizarre ironic twist, this saved me in a way, because I was kind of used to it, and was somehow forearmed. Luckily, I was very strong. I still cried myself to sleep though. It was really tough. And like some others responding to this post, teachers did nothing.

I'm a grown man now, and I've realized that these people were simply not my friends, and they don't deserve the time of day from me. I don't wish them ill, I've just moved on. And, by the way, no, I won't be hugging any one of them soon. Dealing with family and bullying issues together has taken many years of work and counseling. In looking back, trying to work out what could have helped me back then, since I was getting nothing from teachers nor family, I can find one answer, and I don't intend it in the way you might think: Karate. I am a member of a wonderful Karate school (Shudokan), although I can't participate too much anymore for health reasons. Not the full-on competition type, but the highly disciplined, technique-oriented skill-nurturing, and community-building arts. As an adult, this art built my self-confidence, self-respect, and allowed me to find my center and focus. You learn your value as a human being, and I've seen people, young and old change as a result of the influence of such arts. At the end of the day, you don't even need to use it to smack the crap out of the bullies, because this ceases to matter. That's the real victory, although it sounds empty to those hell-bent on revenge. There's nothing more frustrating to bullies to see that they can't affect you anymore. Now, I've thought back to my school days, and think also of all the kids being bullied at a younger age than when I suffered. It would have been really nice if there'd been a teacher, or sports-master who'd've been willing to instigate such an opportunity for bullied kids. The bullies could even come along too. The positive influence will change them too. And a good Karate Master will never let crap like that go down in a traditional school. But, this is unlikely to happen in public schools. So my 2-c worth is for parents of bullied children to enroll them in Karate. Not so they can seek revenge, but so they can develop the tools of self-respect and personal power to grow through the pain.

- Matt.

I am a new SDL reader and veteran educator. This series of posts gets an A+ for providing great advice for parents, students and educators. A smile, a compliment, or a pat on the back don't cost the giver anything and do so much for a child's self esteem. Both the bullied and the bully feel that they are unloved. And yes, as adults, when we observe bullying we are obligated to intervene. I love it the most when a bullied child finds the confidence to respond to the bully. One of my favorites is when a child that was called a nerd said without missing a beat ...."and one day I will be your boss and my name will be on your paycheck." I did have to step in so "the nerd" did not get pummeled. I like to think after a little conversation that day they both had a better understanding of where the other one was coming from. Keep up the good work!

I just wanted to say thanks for this series of posts. Like you I was bullied (for being short) and like you I found my way out of it. I think my story is probably an example of how love fixes the problem. I was bullied for all of 3rd grade and part of 4th. The bullying stopped when my 4th grade teacher heard it one day and took me aside. I was a really shy kid and she told me that she loved me and that it was ok to stand up for myself. So I did. I became a more confident person and the bullies left me alone because I knew it was ok to take care of myself because ONE teacher cared enough to take me aside and let me kniow that it was ok. That moment 16 years later is still the most defining moment of my life. I changed that day. A teacher changed everything for me because she cared.

http://www.myprivatespace.org/2010/10/my-take-on-...

Years ago, I was sent a poem in an e-mail that really touched me because of my own experience with being bullied. I wanted to share it with you here: http://www.oafccd.com/lanark/poems/sarah.html

Love the last line about finding your voice! More adults need to encourage kids to speak up for themselves and others!

Wow! I've just been introduced to your blog and I'm in awe! Haven't actually gotten to the laughing part yet, but totally digging the serious side! "You just broke your child, Congratulations" and your thoughts on "Perfection" had me sobbing, but also motivated me to look around with my eyes wide open for opportunities to help those who haven't been blessed with the perspective you and I have. It's not bragging rights to love, appreciate and deserve your children, it's truly a gift, a gift that keeps on giving generation after generation, if you treasure it. Thanks for bearing your soul!

I was bullied as a kid. My little brother was bullied even worse. He was a kind, tender-hearted kid who would befriend anyone regardless of race, gender, or socio-economic status. It broke my heart to see him treated that way when I loved him so. It broke my parents' hearts too. In fact, my mom told him over & over that he needed to fight back. Sometimes, she almost demanded he fight back. HE NEVER WOULD. He was such a loving kid, he couldn't even bring himself to hurt those who so readily hurt him.

He passed away at just 19 years old (thank God, not due to bullying). The three boys in the neighborhood came to his funeral and BEGGED for our forgiveness. They sobbed & sobbed, & recounted stories of how nice Ryan was to them when they were cruel. They openly admitted they wished they could have been more like him, & felt awful knowing they would never have the chance to apologize to him. And though our hearts ached for our loss, we knew what Ryan would have us do. And so we gave them our forgiveness. They are people too. They were troubled too. Their hearts ached too. We showed them forgiveness & mercy so that they might show others forgiveness & mercy too.

your memories of being bullied remind me of my school years. i was bullied as well. looking back, i would suggest the following for parents who have a child being bullied. alternate between the two following actions. 1) use the law. have the bully arrested. if there is any notion of harassment because of gender, race, creed, etc, it is a civil rights violation. come down strong right away. 2) appeal to the bully and family that you don't want to do these things, and will gladly stop if the bullying stops. keep switching between these two tactics until... well, you own their house. some parents (and i use the term loosely... see your article about 'you have broken your child') will only take action if it is going to affect them personally. like being sued. or being threatened with having their child sent to a juvenile detention center. but most importantly, communicate with your own child. get the whole story. and help them regain control of the situation to some degree. there should be nobody in their school that they fear and have to avoid in fear of being attacked. and you as a parent can protect your child. if someone is attacking your child, come down on the bully's family like a ton of bricks. because it is COMPLETELY inexcusable. that's YOUR flesh and bone being attacked, belittled and destroyed on the inside and outside. do not tolerate it.

I have read every thing you wrote Dan, I agree, even with showing the bully love. Yet there is a point where we need to tell children they can defend themselves with out repercussions . I was bullied as a kid, I was a geek. Teachers did the best they could to stop it, and finally my dad had his friends teach me to fight. Time went on and I broke my toe in a game, I was hobbling around on crutches for weeks. One day me and another friend were in the playground and one of the school bullies walked over and was taunting me about my foot. Saying it was not broken, that i was a wimp, fag, and other words. I did my best not to do anything, if I did it usually made it worse. Then one of them dropped a rock on my foot, I popped up and hit him. I hit him until his friends pulled me off, then he came at me again and I hit him more. A teacher ended the fight, his nose was broken and he was suspended. I wasn't suspended and many of the bullies friends were mad at that. Teachers explained to them that if you start the fight you get suspended, if you fight back you don't. The bullying in the school slowed after that. Not just because of what I did, but because if a person started a fight they got suspended and teachers made that well known.
The funny thing is that bully and I ended up friends, I found out that he had a pretty rough life at home. That was fourth grade. I went to high school, I still got picked on and bullied by football players on occasion.
I believe the minute you tell children that if you fight, weather you defending yourself or not, you will be suspended was the most idealistic, non realistic ideas schools ever had. If I had that rule when I was in middle school I would not have fought back that day, most kids would not. Just to obey the rules. I would have gotten more suicidal then I was. No tolerance for fighting results in kids that kill them selves, shoot up schools, and end up addicted to something. Because they feel for awhile that if they do something they are wrong,bad or worthless. Schools create a perpetual victim.
See the high school I went to had a no tolerance policy, but I had parents that told me to defend myself and they would deal with the school; I believed them. So I knew I was safe,if I said something to the bully, or I just ignored them. High school was not that bad. In that high school 2 kids committed suicide, I still believe to this day it was because they were bullied.
I am a father now, I will teach my son not to fight at all costs, but if he must he will know how to defend himself. If a school even thinks of punishing my child for defending himself I will sue them for violating his rights. Yet if my son is ever caught bullying someone, I will find out why he thinks he needs to bully and I will teach him to make a a proper apology to whoever he hurts.

Thanks for addressing such a necessary topic. Unfortunately, some bullies don't stop in childhood. They continue to bully in adulthood, in the form of manipulation. It is usually within their families. This only multiplies the hurts. Please see George Simon, Jr.'s book In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.

My son was bullied every single day during 5th & 6th grades. It continued into 7th grade. Fortunately, he told me and yes, I was absolutely on his side. His school principal, teachers and counselor, sadly, were not. At home, he had affirmation, at school, not so much. My husband and I told him that he could NEVER start anything physical with any of the bullies, but that if someone else pushed or hit him, he could take one swing at the kid, in self-defense, and that he had better make that one swing a good one.

The day before Thanksgiving vacation in 7th grade, the substitute teacher in his gym class refused to do anything about the numerous complaints against the class bully. When this bully pushed my son, violently, against the gymnasium wall, as he was picking himself off the floor, his hand bunching into a fist, my boy had one thought in his head "you've got one shot, you'd better make it count." With that, he punched this bully in the mouth. The entire class saw the altercation, as did the substitute teacher. My son and this other kid were both given a 2 day suspension from school for fighting (but our son was not punished at home). I told the principal, later that same day, that the school has a zero tolerance policy on fighting, not on bullying as they loudly and proudly proclaim, and that had the school done anything about the bullying, my son would never have had reason to hit this other kid.

The day he returned to school after the suspension (and after the long Thanksgiving break), the bullying stopped. The other kids who teased and participated in the bullying simply stopped it. My boy, with one punch, let the entire school know that he wasn't going to take it anymore.

He's in college now, a great student, a good friend, popular with faculty and students. The boy he hit in the 7th grade dropped out of school in the 10th grade. And while I don't ordinarily condone violence, I would recommend to any of my children, if someone else started it, they would each get one punch and they'd better make it a good one.

My heart hurts for all of the children who have been bullied, and I am still angry at the schools that turned their back on the obvious and persistent bullying that went on inside their doors.

You know, it's interesting reading through all of this. I was bulllied/made fun of as a kid. We had no money and I didn't have nice things, so I was made fun of. It hurt a lot. I hated myself as much as the other kids hated me. I could never, at that age, understand or feel bad for the kids who made fun of me. Even to this day, when I see the names of people I went to school with (on facebook), I feel myself cringe and become afraid of what they might say about me. The interesting part is that I have a teenage son, and he is a defender. He always has been. He doesn't tolerate anyone getting made fun of, and he isn't afraid to say it. He is a pretty popular kid, and has never been the target of a bully himself, but he sure lets the bullies know that they can't go around acting like that. It makes me so proud when I see or hear about him standing up for someone else. He is a fearless boy raised by a shy, quiet, afraid woman!

You have done great things here Dan. Keep up the good work. I find you very inspiring.

People who love themselves don't hurt other people. Simple, eloquent, to the point and THE WHOLE TRUTH!!! Keep telling it Dan!

People who love themselves don't hurt other people. Simple, eloquent, to the point and THE WHOLE TRUTH!!! Keep telling it Dan!

I was bullied by a much older and larger kid in middle school. Every day he would literally beat me up, take my lunch and walk away. After a few weeks he would just beat me up. My grandfather followed me to school one day and witnessed my latest butt kicking from his car. When I got ready to go to school the next morning he met me at the driveway and gave me a red brick he had pulled from the corner of he garage and t old me to hit the kid on his ear with it and walk away. I did, for two consecutive days as he did not get the message the first day. I still have that brick just in case (and I'm 54 now). Love them hell, hit them with a brick! And for those of you who believe that violence brings about violence, get a cinder block as a back-up!

I cry and nod in agreement as I read this post and the comments. My son was bullied for the first time on the bus in kindergarten - a bus that had K-12 on it. He was suspended from the bus that year for telling one of the bullies to leave him the hell alone. As his parents none of the fights I fought for him worked. As he grew older there was more bullying at different times, ironically my child always got suspended when he would yell at his bullies to leave him alone and hope that a teacher might help (not a chance) or another kid might stand up for him. As he got older the girls used him or used hateful words to be his additional area of bullies. My son killed him self this year after giving up the fight. He was 15 YEARS OLD! Hold your children tight and hope that teachers and staff will take their schools back. Hope that other people will speak to their children with respect so that maybe they will consider treating their peers with respect. --Denise Boss - Mom to Joseph James Hopfer deceased at age 15 2-23-2010 from bullying and hateful words, he just could not do it any longer.

When I was in high school, I fell in love with a bully. Now don't jump to conclusions here, people. I didn't fall in love with him because he was a bully, I fell in love with him because he was a human being. One that I wanted to help. One that I DID help.
I met him when he was a junior in high school, I was a freshman. He had bullied my previous boyfriend. He was addicted to drugs. He was failing his classes and not even attending them.
He needed help, but no one else saw that in him, they just saw him as a loser bully.
Slowly but surely I got to know him. I learned that he was very smart and much of the rage he was expressing came from a dysfunctional home life. His adoptive mother was VERY unpleasant and his adoptive father seemed not to be aware or not to care that she acted this way. My bully friend suffered on a level that no one else was aware of, and in a way that was very confusing for him. He did not know how to handle it...so he bullied.
Over the course of our friendship and our relationship he became a "nicer" person because he was able to confide in me and talk to me about things that he was ashamed to tell other people. He stopped using drugs. He started attending classes. He was able to become the person that had been suppressed by his conflicting emotions.
I don't want to toot my own horn or seem self-righteous, but I CHANGED HIS LIFE. Maybe I even SAVED his life. Who knows how far his self-destruction would have taken him? Who knows what could have happened to him? Maybe he would have killed himself because he was so misunderstood. Or maybe he would have finally figured out that he was bigger and better than the bully that he had become...I don't know. What I DO know is that he NEEDED love and it was love that helped him become a "better" person. And it only took ONE person to help him. Just ONE!
So we DO need to help the bullies. We DO need to love the bullies. They ARE people, and they ARE important.
We ALL need love.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US.

Your words move me to tears. Last night I read "memoirs of a bullied kid" to my niece and nephew (ages 13 and 11). They have witnessed their classmates be bullied and even sexually bullied. The part that makes me so angry is that your right when you say that nobody does anything. Not a damn thing and the kids see that. I am thankful that I have tried to be the best influence on these kids. I'm a lesbian and have endured being bullied myself (as a child and adult). My niece and nephew have been bullied because of their "queer aunt" and it kills me. A few years ago my niece brought my wife and I to lunch at her school on special friend day. The next day my sister told me that one of my nieces friends was told that she can no longer be friends with her because of the people in her life. I was devestated that these people would hurt their children (and my niece) because they are bullies that didnt grow up. My niece didnt want me to know about this... because she didnt want my feeling to be hurt (what a sweet kid). Of course I could brush their words off with a grain of salt but this is not the point. She could not. This was her first dose of a growing and scary epidemic.... gay hate.... My nephew is a pretty small kid. This alone has led to him being called gay... what is wrong with people that they teach this to their children and I do believe for the most part that is where this comes from. Those are the kids that grow up and punch someone in the face while calling them a dyke (happened to me).... Those are the kids that learn its ok to hurt someone that is not just like you.... I have a 16 yr old gay teen that lives with us part time.... The fear he must of felt coming out at such a young age breaks my heart..... because people teach their children to hate. They do not need to say the word hate all they need to do is plant the seed that its not ok. Its as simple as that. Why cant we plant a different seed. A seed that grows into love.... I was not bullied as a kid for being gay (i didnt come out until I was 20).. I was bullied for being the poor kid in a small school. That in turn turned into the stinky kid and so on... I know too well the thoughts that you spoke of when you said you wished they would die.. I also know to well the way you described how everyone just thought you were shy and easily angered. Never once did I tell my family or anyone... I was also lucky enough to find a change in myself so that I could love me and after that I didnt hear the words "hey you forget to take a bath" because they bounced off me like rubber.... Now I spend my life trying to get love out there. The kids in my life are so great (I have 8 nieces and nephews). I have never heard them bully or make fun of anyone. they know they are loved and that makes such a difference. They are lucky enough to be growing up in a family that is diverse and nonjudmental and I have seen my niece cry when telling us of someone they see being picked on... This summer I led a love rally across from a church that was spreading gay hate. I had close friends and family there and our signs were not mean or hateful (as these so called christians had been) they simply said things like love your neighbor or jesus loves that Im gay... Even though our message was love my neice and nephew were horrified. Horrified that someone would show up there and hurt me for what I was doing... I have always been honest with them about this sort of thing and that the possibility is there. Teaching them this is not to scare them but to educate them in what can happen when we allow bullying or hate. sadly it does scare them. they have spoke at length with my sister about something bad happening to me and it breaks my heart... My point in this rambling is this.... What you teach your children follows them the rest of their lives. And when the bullies become adults they can still manage to spread fear into the hearts of our children.... We need to show bullies when they are young that they are loved so they do not grow up and teach their children hate. I know my nieces and nephews will teach their kids to love everone no mater who they are. and that cycle will continue. I want to end my post with a small quote that makes me smile... "a hundred years from now it will not matter how big my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the kind of car I drove; but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." Forest E. Whitcraft

It's hard to know what's going on in the bully's mind, but if you do know his/her situation you should try your best to help according to thier needs. If they have a fear of being alone, invite them over to hang out for game night or invite them on a family outing to the park, movie etc.
I as a bully just needed someone to reach out and show me I was loved, and welcome. I did not know how to ask for it. Everyone is different and needs a different kind of help, so again it's a bitter/sweet.
And sometimes you can't help and you do need to distance the bully from your child/ren, go to the school and do something about it. some people unfortunately are pure evil and can NOT be helped.

To expand on Melissa's statement: Hurt People hurt people!
I was the biggest kid in my class in Grade school yet I was bullied by the smallest kid.
He was from an abusive home. He hurt so he lashed out and chose me out of jealosy of my size I guess.
He tried to start a fight and I walked away. That's when he kicked me in the small of the back and knocked me down. I got up and turned my back on him again.
My dad raised me to not pick on the smaller kids. He raised his boys to be defenders.
Hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away. I hated that kid for a long time, but time passing has helped me pity him more than hate.
Got to use my size to protect some kids in high school, kids we would see as stereotypical nerds. They suffered bullying alot, but after 20 years I am still proud to say...Not on my watch!
Simply put, I was large enough to intimidate the bullies. NOT exactly a WIN there. I did nothing but deflect torment while I was around.
Some people cannot be loved and cared into change, but it is worth the attempt.

There are things that can be done, my daughter is a bully monitor at school, what this means is that she goes around the playground and look for children who are by themselves or look upset (or if she actually witnesses bullying) and she befriends the child and gives them an opportunity to speak up about what is happening, perhaps they are feeling left out, no one will play with them, someone was mean to them. She then looks around for some children for that child to play with, speaks to the children and asks them to let the child play with them.

She can then report any accused bullying that has been going on to teachers, she's not expected to deal with it herself, more pick up the pieces afterwards, unless she sees it happening right then when she can intervene and ask simple questions like asking the bully why they are saying what they are to the other child or doing what they are doing.

It's a successful plan, the children seem more able to open up to a fellow student rather than an adult. It has never happened yet in the 2 years of my daughter being a bully monitor where a bully has turned their attention on to her for intervening. The bully monitors are nominated from their respective classes and photo's of them are up on the bully monitor board to notify the other children of who the bully monitors are. This also means that those children scared to go to a teacher will seek out the bully monitor on many instances.

My daughter is only 9 years old but has been successfully completing her task as a bully monitor for 2 years! I have read other accounts at secondary education level of there being mentors within the schools, again made up of students themselves who the other children/teenagers can go to speak to in confidence. The students will then discuss the options with them, it may be decided with consent that a teacher is notified or that the students go and talk to the bully themselves.

Again the mentors as with the monitors are not there solely for incidents of bullying but for anyone feeling alone or vulnerable or having an issue they want help with. Just having things like that in place can reduce the incidents of bullying by means of providing peers that will never push you away or make you feel bad about yourself, that will try to help build you up and give you confidence, that will help you think through options at a time when you may yourself not be able to think clearly or rationally.

Amen Dan! When I heard another girl call my daughter a 'rhymes-with-witch' at the school bus stop, I followed the moms car and when we were at a stop light I rolled down my window and got her attention. She rolled down her window too. I told her what her daughter said. She was so apologetic and said her daughter was out-of-control and she didn't know what to do with her. I was pleasantly surprised by her mom's response. She did not become defensive with me at all or make excuses for her daughter's behavior. My daughter and I decided to invite this young lady over and I called her mother and spoke to her for several hours. It turns out their daughter was adopted and they were having problems with her. These parents were good people and good parents. My daughter has not had any more problems with this girl and they are friendly to each other. If your child is being bullied I would highly recommend reaching out to that child's parents; they might surpise you and you may be surprised to learn that they are probably no different than you and I.

Very well said. I'm with ya.

I think its amazing that so many people are confessing to their bullying ways... Its so easy to say "I'm a victim to bullying" b/c that gets compassion. Its hard to say "I was the bully" b/c those are the people looked down on.... so I have to say to all of those who are putting it out there that they were indeed the bully, I commend you for your honesty.

Moreover, Dan, you are right. As always. Do you ever get tired of being right? lol.

The one and only
Shandi Marie

What resources are out there to help adults who were bullied as children cope with the scars?

One thing the bullied can do is to scream, loud, long, and clear. Yell that you are being bullied. Tell the world that this person is attacking you, hurting you, insulting you. In a classroom, playground, lunchroom, neighborhood street, ballpark. Where ever the bullying is taking place, the child can create a scene and stand up for themselves. The child making the noise gets noticed and action will take place. Teach your child to not take abuse quietly and calmly but to demand protection. Telling a child not to react because any reaction makes it worse is a lie. A bully wont stop until he gets a reaction. So don't give him anger, give him your voice. Just like we tell our kids if a stranger tries to take him away to cause a comotion, they need to cause a comotion whenever anyone tries to hurt them.

Mr. Pearce, whereas within “Pride’s Prison” I chose to slightly fictionalize my own very similar account, you wrote a powerful memoir of you ordeal as a schoolchild, and if you would have left it at that you would have made a great contribution to our cause. I still have admiration for its impact.

Unfortunately, you chose to continue in a vein that many with experience with this issue find to be anathema. As I said elsewhere, had you chosen to make your post on a neutral forum instead of on your own very popular one with such loyal readers, I believe the majority would not be with you concerning your views on bullies. Evil exists. Sadism exists. Where do torturers for dictators come from? Who would apply for such a job?

By all means discuss *effective* ways to protect innocent, vulnerable kids from the ravishes of juvenile sadists who gratuitously aggress upon them. That includes working with youngsters to improve their social skills, yes. But it also includes stringent anti-bullying measures in schools to isolate juvenile predators.

My child goes to a private Christian school, where bullying rarely is an issue. But there's a new boy (he's returned after a few years) and he's not very nice. He harasses everyone, insults them, and is just plain mean-spirited sometimes. You could call him a bully, except that the group of kids is so tight, that they have all turned on HIM. He sits alone at lunch, no one likes him, and the kids all make fun of him. He has NO ONE.
My daughter is an ANGEL. She's got the most beautiful heart....would never hurt anyone. She's befriended other kids in school that were lonely, rejected.....she reaches out and has such compassion. Except that, because everyone else had alienated this boy, and because he's so obnoxious and annoying and mean to everyone, she had jumped right on that band wagon with the rest of the class!! Imagine my shock!!! I actually looked that boy in the face when he told me that she had told him, "Nobody likes you, and even your dad hates you." and I told him I didn't believe him.
Later, I pulled her aside, and said, "You didn't really say that, right?" She stumbled, stuttered, and hesitated, and my heart sank. She told me she said "something like that." MY HORROR!!! I have raised her so much better than that. And yet......here she was, bullying right along with the rest of them.
So, they're not even human? We shouldn't love the bullies? They don't deserve it?? I MUST ABSOLUTELY DISAGREE. I sat her down, read her your articles, talked about the children who have taken their own lives because they thought they were worthless and that "nobody liked them" and I asked my daughter....and what did you say to him? Her response, quiet and shameful....."that nobody liked him....."
YES. LOVE THEM, educate them. And if they are not your own child, reach out to that child! Put your arm around them. Ask them what's going on? Ask them if they are ok. Because I promise you, they are NOT. And they need us.

You are so right that the bully needs to step away from old patterns and understand how to love. My son was being bullied by a neighbor kid. Is this kid being abused in his home? I don't think so. But is he being shown how to be kind and loving toward others? No. Are we sitting here at home bad talking this child? No. We pray for him. We can't be around him, but we can think of ways to love him from afar.

At first, I was so angry that another child would do things to hurt mine. It was really hard to push past the feelings that one parent had in your last post. I can relate to her/him. Although those feelings will only descend upon my children. If I choose to say that all children deserve love. If I choose to teach my children that that child isn't inherently evil. If I choose to say that xxx deserves love too and friends too, I am teaching my children how to treat others. Should I put my kids right back into the arms of a bully to show love? No. That's not healthy for my children. Should we take a back seat of hatred? No. There is something we can do. We can stop bullying. One child at a time.