Worthless women and the men who make them

Guys, unless you are the one who abused your wife, daughter, sister, mother, niece, best friend, you are NOT to blame.

I speak as someone who's childhood and adolescence were a nightmare of Stephen King proportions. Actually, Kind could never have dreamed up what I went through.

My lack of self worth, self confidence, self SELF drives my husband nuts on occasion. But I have to LIVE with it. I've spent years in therapy. I am not a stupid woman. But mensa-level intelligence is no help with the damage done to me as a child. I try not to let it interfere with my day-to-day living but it's a constant struggle. My sister is the only one who truly understands because she went through it too. So there's TWO women ... smart, funny, (my sister is beautiful), talented who's lives were wrecked by family.

All you can do is love the women in your life who suffer from this. That's ALL you can do. Support them, love them, assure them and understand ... it is NOT your fault.

I do everything to make my wife feel her very best no matter how she looks or weighs I am always there to support her in everything. This post sounds like one guy apologizing for his faults. Don't bring me and the rest of mankind down with you. Just think about the person making those comments. It's not the man. It's the woman. I constantly say that my wife is wrong when she says anything derogatory, but it does not change the fact that she will continue to make comments. And guess what..... I will still be there to tell her that she is wonderful and beautiful and amazing and a great mother. That's what makes YOU do and appology letter and not the rest of us.

Also @H-I Rankin please don't be so close minded to think the evolutionary perspective of mate attraction is the only theory out there and that big boobs, small frame, large hips, big butts are what men are programmed to go after. Too many people use this as an excuse for bad behavior and an excuse to act permiscious. Additionally Cross cultural studies disprove that this western ideal body image is nationally accepted as ideal. tBesides this fact the evolutionary perspective is just one perspective there are many other theories that disagree with this and sight relationality as motivation for mate selection. Open your mind to other possibilities and realize that the world has tainted everyones perception.

incysor I don' t think the point of the article was to blame guys for this issue. I think the point of the article was to open our eyes. When looking at a problem it does no good to blame others but rather question, " what can I do". Because Dan is a guy he is looking at what guys can do, and he does have some valid points. It does no good for anyone to say, " we'll its not completely my fault so I refuse to act" we need men and women to fight against the objectivity of women. On the other hand I feel like, as your saying, men cannot be blamed completely because this kind of stuff is everywhere,but this does not dismiss that men, as well as women need to take equal responsibility.

This is actually the first post I've read of yours that I disagree with. Societal values are determined by all members of society. Yes our society is inundated with media images that are often unrealistic, and perhaps unhealthy. But men in general can not be blamed for that. Laying blame in order to simplify a very complex and innate biological drive to bend to societal rules in order to fit in can not be blamed on either sex.

Kekah so glad you found a good guy that treasures you for who you are and not what for what you can do for him or how you make him look. It gives me hope!

I think my man is so very near to perfect its scary. When we first started dating I was heavier, but I had perfect teeth. Then I did something stupid I chewed on a piece of plastic..and it broke my front tooth. I was so upset that my hand was nearly permanently glued to my mouth. I thought a little weight never bothered me, but my perfect teeth made my smile and my smile helped me be beautiful. The rest was just....whatever. He refused to believe this, he tried and tried to pull my hand away, offering to make dentist payments if that is what it took to make me feel beautiful. Then cupped my face in his hands and said to me "Your teeth don't make you beautiful, your face doesn't make you beautiful, your body doesn't make you beautiful. YOU make you beautiful. Your laughter makes you beautiful, your attitude makes you beautiful, your love makes you beautiful." And though a part of me couldn't look at myself in the mirror and see the beauty that he saw there, I saw in his eyes that he wasn't just 'trying to get some' he honestly believed that I was beautiful because of who I was, not what I carried around on my bones. I only recently was able to get my teeth fixed, and for the first time in years I have been able to smile my full smile again, without trying to cover up my mouth. He says "Yeah, now you're gonna leave me cause you think you are so fine." And I said "Of course not, now I feel pretty enough to be with you." Then I made a comment when I saw a Worf from Star Trek for the first time without his Klingon makeup and said "Wow, he's really good looking" and my man said "I KNEW IT! You're gonna leave me for Worf aren't you?" LOL! I said "Of course not, Klingon's have terrible teeth." Then he smiled and hugged me and told me I was always beautiful. He really is awesome, and when he read this he said that it could be summed up in a few words "Guys, stop being douche bags" I love his simplicity as well. :D

not getting many comments from the men. Touching a nerve, but I have to point out that with all of your self deprecating comments about yourself and other men, I blame women for not being stronger and lifting up men to be stronger. The Bible gives all the information you need to know how to be strong as men and women and how to lift each other up. Our feminized culture has done as much damage to what God intended for a man and woman as the culture of evil that covers women head to toe and forbids their education. We are ALL fallen and Jesus is the ONLY way - the TRUTH - and the LIFE.

I have two daughters. One is a college freshman, and one is an 8th grader. Both are currently very active in sports, popular in school, get good grades, and my older daughter has been asked to prom since she was a freshman in high school and as a senior was voted Homecoming Queen. They are both virgins, christians, and have healthy self esteems. I say all these "accomplishments" to show that they are popular with their peers. Now, here comes the interesting thing. There is no full length mirror in their room. The are not allowed to weigh themselves, in fact, we do not own a scales. I have never subscribed to any of the teen or women magazines and I refuse to have them in our home primarily because of the preoccupation they have with bodily perfection. I do not allow the girls to watch any reality shows, and I severely limit all TV watching. What resulted from this "experiment" was two girls with healthy self esteems who have lots of friends, plenty of time to do homework, and are very active in their schools. As a matter of fact, my older daughter, now enrolled at Kansas State University, is continually surprised at the obsession many of her classmates have with counting calories, weighing themselves and continuously trying to raise their self esteems.

Why does this make me uncomfortable? I've struggled with self image all my life, but it wasn't because of "men in general". It was what I BELIEVED men wanted. I did not go out and quiz the kind of guy I wanted to be with. I just took the word of women whose main goal in life appeared to be to make themselves feel better at my expense. Most of my self image problems have their origin with other women and their cattiness and competitiveness. Which incidentally, are not the things that draw decent men to them. Sure there's a certain kind of person that really IS that shallow, but there are also plenty of people that are not. And since we are discussing shallowness, let's bring up the MEN that feel like losers because there are plenty of women out there who look at the wallet and try to get what they can from guys. I grew up around a lot of those chicks and guess what? I hated myself more because of guilt by association. Its taken me fifty long years to realize that just because I have a vagina too doesn't mean that I have any more than that in common with that type of female. I do not need to take responsibility for the behavior of gold diggers any more than decent men need to take responsibility for the piggish segment of male culture. And really: since when do straight men publish and read Vogue? Waifish models are propagated by the fashion industry and that then spills over into society at large. Advertising is built on making people (male AND female people btw) feel like shit because one doesn't own whatever product x,y or z that is being sold. Savvy people see that for what it is: an attempt to separate one from one's cash. And they teach their children that too. So that when one sees some woman boo hooing about not having a date because she is not skinny enough in some ad, one recognizes that that is an attempt to make one feel that one's life will suck unless one runs right on out to Walgreens NOW and buy those diet pills. Really tired of the male bashing. It's even worse coming from an apparently self hating man. Shall we even discuss the number of men who have been dissed by women busily mooning over Edward Cullen? For reals.

Cont..

My arms aren't thin like a super model, but could a super model help an elderly person that cannot walk get into bed? I don't think so. I have scars, two from c-sections and my stomach is not flat, but my children wrap their arms around me and love me just as I am. There is value in that and there is value in me as well. I am so glad that there is a man out there that gets it and is teaching his son accordingly. That is the best thing we can do. Treat ourselves good and teach our children as well.

Thanks Dan so much for writing this it really resonated with me. I am divorced and this is the attitude that my ex displayed on a normal basis. Even going so far as commenting on one of my friend's breasts to me. He also said that I should dress more slutty for lack of a better word and that other guys should look at me and say damn she's hot that guy that she's with must have a really big dick because she is with him. I was never enough for him to make him look good enough or make him feel good about himself. Fortunately I realize that while I am not perfect that I don't deserve a douche like that. Being in a verbally abusive relationship for so many years really made me feel like nothing. Now I am trying to rebuild myself. It is a process and you have to take it a day at a time. I learned from a therapist that you have to love yourself today not when you get to be the right size, get the right job, or are with the right person. So you can't control others behavior and attitudes about things, but you can control how you decide to treat yourself. I choose to love me.

best.article.ever. sniff.sniff.tear.

it's funny. or really not so much. there are more ways to make a woman feel like less than ogling other women that are impossibly perfect. I am not perfect. I weigh more than I should. I would rather paint and draw than clean house. I am going through an acne phase at the age of 42 that I never even came close to seeing during my teen years. None of those things seem to bother my husband and I don't see him looking at or ogling other women. I have been married for 10 1/2 years and during the first few years, I would bring home cards and gifts, just because. I would make special meals and even though we are financially challenged (we are a military family) I tried to do something for his birthday--at least a card and a gift most of the time. In 10 1/2 years, I could probably count the number of times I have gotten flowers on one hand. He has forgotten or just not cared enough to bother with too many special days (Valentine's Day, my birthday, Mother's day, etc) to count. Mother's day of last year, I got a hand made pair of earrings from my 7 year old, because his teacher was lovely enough to bring all the supplies and took the time to help all the kids in his class. My 5 year old had nothing special to give me and had to watch my other son's excitement over me opening the beautiful pair of earrings he made. My husband's excuse was that we didn't have any money. Scrounging change would have allowed him to take my youngest son to the dollar store and pick out something so he had a gift to give and he could have helped him make a card (I have a studio filled will all kinds of paper, canvas, paints of all kinds, colored pencils, crayons, glitter, shells, etc). My husband did not even bother to roll his butt out of bed to do breakfast. I think I could take him looking at other women. There are far worse ways to hurt your wives and girlfriends than admiring another woman. Ignoring them, not treasuring them and then teaching your sons to do the same--that hurts way worse that admiring someone's rack. Just my opinion.