Can anybody please tell me what it’s like to be “normal”? I’d like to know. I’ve been chasing after it my entire life. The closer I get to what I think it is, the further away it always seems to be. It’s like trying to pet a unicorn. It’s like working to quench my thirst with the distant promise in a desert mirage. It’s that pot of gold at the end of my ever-moving rainbow.
My 30 year attempt (and subsequent failure) to reach “normal” has brought me to ponder whether “normal” even exists, or if it is nothing more than delusional grandeur based in the sounds of those sweet sirens drawing my ship in all the wrong directions.
I suppose the first question to ask is, “what is normal?”
The fastest way to get hundreds of comments telling me I’m an idiot and the devil, would be for me to actually try and paint that picture.
I could state that normal was a certain body type. I could make claims that it is a certain way of dressing, styling hair, or speaking. I could say that it is attached to race or religion. I could fasten it to crime rates, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. I could assign specific music, television, and web surfing preferences. I could bring income into it. I could make the assumption based on intrinsic things such as integrity, determination, and self-doubt. Genders certainly could play their roles as well.
[Ugh] Just writing that paragraph was painful, I’m sure reading it was even more so. It seems so silly to think that everyone on earth can be painted into one solitary corner. Yet, we attempt to do just that. Constantly. We look for what we believe the common denominator of all mankind to be, so that we can be it. We don’t want to stand out (or we desperately do), so we decide what the median of everybody else is and base our next decisions on that.
I’ve got great news. There is no such thing as normal. We’ve been deluded. It doesn’t exist. Think about it…
How many decisions have you made in your entire life? How many conversations have you had? How many books have you read? How many songs have you sung along with? How many meals have you enjoyed? How many times has your heart been broken? How many times have you made a mistake? How many times have you hurt another? How many times have you moved to a different home? How many friends do you have? How many goals have you worked toward? How many pets have you owned? How many likes and dislikes define you? How many pet peeves? What have been your medical challenges? What brought you to where you are right now?
Don’t you get it? There is no other you. Out of the six and a half billion people on earth, not a single one of them has had the same experiences in life that you have had. None of them share the exact same passions and struggles. None of them have lived your life. None of them.
You are the product of you, and nothing else. Every decision you have ever made over your entire life has led you exactly to where you are right at this moment. Simplified… You are you because of you.
I am me because of me.
And everybody else is everybody else because of what they did to get there. Because of their own choices. Because of their own paths.
There is no “normal” because there isn’t a single common trait shared by “everyone”. There is nothing that everyone is doing or that everyone is. Guaranteed. So quit trying to find it. “Normal” is a holy grail, nothing else.
And, if there is no other you, then that means there is no other me, and there is no other Jim-Bob over there, and there is no other Sally-Sue, and there is no other Javier, Betty, or Dirk.
I can already see the first argument to this. Dan, maybe you can’t clump the entire world into an interpretation of “normal”, but you can certainly clump areas or groups of people.
This is the disease called “Perfection” at its best. We lose ourselves as to how large this world really is, and we try to define ourselves by the people living immediately around us. We look for what “normal” is and we go for it. We look at our perfect next door neighbor and try to live up to them or outdo them.
I’m going to do you a favor and show you a visual. I live in a fairly small town (about 7,000 people). Here is me, compared to just the people living within a three-mile radius of me.
Now, since I love to torture myself, I am going to get a giant lasso and try and rope it around all of those people so that I can figure out what it is that they all are, and try to be that. Why? Because I want to be “normal”.
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frank1985
1. I came from a broken family and a father who sought to discredit my mother.
2. i chew my pens feverently.
3. I, like many, was bullied.
4. I am a geek - computers, video games, Magic the Gathering.
5. I am a scientific guy who believes in God.
That's what makes me delightfully abnormal. Remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.
HannahVallerand
To quote my sister when she was 6 years old. "Normality Rots your Brain."
BlackCat
HannahVallerand I heart your sister. :)
Sarah Mickalson
Who wants to be normal? Being unique makes you different and interesting. It gives people a reason to be drawn to you. What could i possibly learn from spending time with someone the same as me? Id rather gain something from others being awesome in the ways im lacking.
ChrisBD13
Don't try to be normal...just be yourself. If we all stopped worrying about being normal and just focused on enhancing our God given gifts and talents and personality the world would be a much happier place. And maybe we could all rest in "BEING OURSELVES". Thank you for your blogs...they are always thought provoking and honest...Coming straight from YOU.
Yakamozl
I think that often people confuse 'normal' with 'healthy. I believe there is no such thing as 'normal' - 'normal' preferences, 'normal' style and 'normal' interests do not exist. But then there is another kind of 'normal' that many people are striving to become... the 'normal' that has to do with how right THEY feel with themselves. The 'normal' having to do with whether they feel they are on the right track, and whether they feel they can trust their own mentality. The 'normal', that ultimately, has to do with whether they're HAPPY. Because, let's face it, a happy person wouldn't strive to fit in and abandon their unique personality, as long as they are happy.
I used to feel there was something wrong with me, comparing to other people. It seemed that it was so easy for everybody else to be happy, while I always had to put endless efforts into it. I felt my psychological mechanisms were different than those of other people. And it was by carefully observing other people that I managed to 'fix' myself. Saw what I did wrong, how I could change my attitude and be more happy.What I'm trying to say is that it's not always a bad thing to aim towards some kind of collective norm. Or, as I said at the beginning, towards becoming healthy rather than 'normal'. The only thing you need to do is to differentiate between what is healthy, and what is only perceived by the majority as being so - just because in some places people might speak of homosexuality as 'wrong', 'abnormal' and 'unnatural', doesn't make it any of these things. And this is why you should always listen to your heart in these situations. Take other people's voices into consideration, but listen only to your own.
BlackCat
I've always tended to joke "normal is relative, and you should meet some of my relatives!" For me, starting university was a very liberating experience. All through childhood and high school I had always been the one that was far from "normal". I preferred to read and write and draw instead of playing outside or doing sports. I liked bands and artists who mostly predated me by at least a decade and had very little use for the popular new bands and teenage crushes. I spent the first half of high school with absolutely no interest in boys and the second half dating a guy 6 years older than me (in the mistaken belief that he was mature enough to be worth my time - as it turned out, he wasn't, but I was in love for the first time and didn't see it for far too long). I was confident and outspoken and didn't give a toss that most of my peers didn't know how to deal with me.
Then I started university. I joined the roleplaying club and suddenly found myself associating with a bunch of people among whom I was definitely one of the more... I hesitate to use the word normal, so let's say "mundane". And this was awesome! I suddenly didn't have to try and hide my interests and passions if I wanted to have a decent conversation with someone. I suddenly had a whole bunch of friends who shared some of them. And even better I met a man who is far, far better for me and who (after 10 years) has recently proposed. We have a wonderfully geeky household with more books and cats than most people probably deem sane, but the best bit is that we have a bunch of friends who share that same interests and values and don't see any problem with it.
I think that's the most "normal" anyone should look for - having people who share enough of your interests and values in your life that you can relate to them easily. Everyone else can like it or lump it.
this is exactly what I've been asking myself about if I'm still normal because of a lot of unanswered questions in my mind which are just remaining unanswered until now such as: is there really a true God who created the humanity ? what if it's only a hearsay from our ancestors, etc. there are a lot of tiresome thoughts that keep coming into my mind that i often catch myself drifting over. so, i think the best way to evade such kind of a confusion is to just live simply. you know what i mean? avoid asking questions that is really hard to answer because we'll just go crazy if we think too much of it without realizing that you're just losing or spending your time on nothing. .. so let's just enjoy living in reality. :)
My kids and I always like to laugh and say, "Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a perfectly normal family."
Can't think of 5 things, but I think the one thing that has defined me is my social apathy. I didn't care that Eminem and Backtreet Boys were cool bands. I didn't care that pro-wrestling and MTV were cool things to wach. I didn't care that yo-yo's, tamagachis, or backwards caps were cool fads. I liked Foo Fighters, watched Discovery Channel, and played Dungeons & Dragons. (And I still proudly do!), and that was enough for me. I was happy being seperate from the mainstream. Relatively, at least. Sure I was ostracized and ignored for being so different, but I didn't care. I don't think i'd be the open-minded man I am today if not for defecting in school.
Normal is a relative term that does NOT apply to my relatives......All joking aside, there is no "normal" what is normal for one is not for another. It's narrow minded people who think that all people need to fit inside one little box. The problem is no one has the same box shape, color, design, etc....we're all different and that is pretty much the point of life!!!!! Being different from the next person.
It took me a LONG time to realize that trying to fit in to something, chasing the "norm" is a futile race that will always be lost. It takes the energy and joy right out of me. It's hard not to fall back into the habit of "fitting in" but I'll just continue to go through my life being me, respecting the next person and doing some good with my life.
Dan, I will tell you now, what I tell everyone about "normal." There are two things to always keep in mind. 1) Normal is just a setting on your dryer, and 2) Normality is the playground for the unimaginative.
Ha, I've never been the definition of what other people called "normal". Ive always been kind of a stand out. I have my own twisted sense of humor, my own blunt honesty to a point almost painful to others, and I love stuff alot of people dont, I know I'm different from every other person in the world. I am me. There will never be someone EXACTLY like me. I am more of a cross of Darlene from Roseanne, and the Mighty B (cartoon chick). I love the person I am. Ive lost myself a little bit over the last year with the stuff I'm dealing with, but this is a GREAT read. Ive just recently started reading these blogs thanks to a friend of mine on facebook. And I love every one of them. Way to put what alot of people are thinking out there.
It makes me wonder how did the humanity embrace the idea of normal and how sad it is that young people are torn by that ridiculous idea. It's not like someone told you that you should be great, people are struggling to become what? ... AVERAGE.
Even if I escaped from this struggle, learned to trust being an individual, I have gone through horrible shame and guilt for not being normal, for being different. But you know what, everyone is different. Also, people who preach like fanatics about being "normal", if you have a closer look at them you will find a lot of traits that doesn't make them normal in my eyes at all.
Thanks for the great article.
My mom's always told me that I AM normal.. everyone else is weird. Her way of making me realize that, to quote the muppets, "peoples is peoples".
"How beautifully abnormal are you? What are five things that have made you the person that you are today?"
1. I grew up in a single parent family with my Dad as the main carer.
2. My husband, my son and my step daughter
3. I was bullied at school.
4. My Faith in God
5. Finding " target="_blank">www.danoah.com (not sucking up, it has changed me for the better and helped me to learn how to deal with issues).
P.S. Still working on the dancing video. I might not be able to be in it due to medical reasons :-( but will get it to you. A promise is a promise.
One of the things that really brings this home to me is how various diagnoses for "disorders" in children have mushroomed over the years. We used to just have children, now we have attention-deficit disorder children and hyperactive children and autistic and Asperger's children, and obsessive-compulsive and highly sensitive and dyslexic and social anxiety disorder and phobic and separation anxiety disorder and...pretty soon it seems like every child is going to have a convenient label and a tidy diagnosis! Meanwhile the definition of who is considered "normal" shrinks day by day.
I think there is no such thing as a "normal" psychology or "normal" way to see the world. Our attempts to split up the full, rich range of experience and stick it into little pigeonholed categories are sad. We're all crazy in our own way...and normal in our own way. Because we're all *human*. End of story.
When I was a teenager I was always wishing I could be normal...which to me meant to be happy and healthy everyday (or at least 95% of the time) without using any anti-depressants or other drugs to get there. I finally found my own "normal" meant growing up and moving out of my parents house! So, with what you are saying- yeah I get it- "stop trying to be like everyone else, just be yourself"-- yet there are those of us who really are that wacky person that is looking for normal which does exist and brings great joy. Do I make sense? Hope so.
Normal is whatever you grew up with...good or bad.
What is normal? If such a thing would exist and more and more people are it, what a boring world we would have...
Brilliant post this!
We really are all unique, and I realise that every day!
So what you are saying is...in the words of the immortal "Popeye", I am what I am and that's all that I am"?
Oh, I've never claimed to be normal. And thankfully so.
I am a 20 year old mother, with an 8 year old brother, that partially makes me who I am.
2. I changed my black growing thumb to a green one with the help of my grandma.
3. I cite random facts about just about anything from history, to food. Especially food.
4. I can survive, three days without hot water.
5. Last but not least. I am me. I have freckles on my nose and under my eyes, brown eyes, funky colored brownish-blondish hair, a pooch to my belly and a crooked smile that my fiance' adores.
Outside of all that. I am loved. And that makes me. Me.
love reading your posts!!! 1. my travels to 20 countries from ages 14 - 32...taking a break until my finances recuperate from being a single parent!! (please pick me if you ever give away any trips! :)) 2. i have a hearing loss from birth/wear two hearing aids but was brought up to not think i'm different so i'm not and i don't think anything less of myself for this. 3. i wouldn't say i'm fearless but i have a lot of courage and have done a lot of courageous things!! :) 4. i have my beautiful daughter isabella coral lilly santana. 5. i'm a terrific writer with my own style. 6. i email/write like a talk...going off on tangents!! :)
have a wonderful weekend! :) amy/marina (marina reede is my pen name...not published yet...)
Five things... GO!
I twirl my hair when I am nervous because in HS I loved my hair because I was so vain, now it is just a habit. :)
I am a semi-fanatical control-freak... usually only with my husband, that could be considered normal, right? LOL
I love makeup... lipstick and mascara more specifically, but make up.
I love Jesus... I am not a good Christian, but I know that I love him and he loves me inspite of my failures.
My parents... they shaped me and I am so thankful for who they are/were and how they chose to live.
Thanks again for the great post!
Normal is a median or average from the full range of human behaviors. Not very many people sit squarely on that average! I have a friend who's so concerned what other people think of her, she's afraid to think for herself. That is not the life I choose to lead, thank you very much!
I couldn't agree with you more Dan, you are you and I am me!
My mother has always said to anyone who would listen "oh she is good at that because she is MY daughter" and my reply would be "NO, I am good at this because I am ME!". My mother has never been good at photography (in fact, I can't ever remember seeing her with a camera in her hand), but I am, it's now my profession. My mother has never had hip surgery to remove a tumor, I have. She has never trained in the art of Muay Thai kickboxing, but I have and oh how I loved feeling strong. She may have done some travelling, but she hasn't spent anytime in America, I have... 3 visits thus far. She never raised a son.. I have and he is THE single best thing I have ever given to this world.
I am me and she is she.
continued...
My mother has MS, I don't. She was a hairdresser during her working life, I just swept the floor and passed perm papers on a Saturday morning. She moved countries at a young age with her family, I've always lived where I was born. She is a pretty good artist, I'm not, mum always did my art homework for me. She raised two uniquely different strong independant women, I haven't done that. We have both however been single parents at one point or another in our lives and whilst it's something the same, it's not, as we have both done it differently to the other because we are different people.
Thank you for this post, it has validated what I've always suspected...that I'm NOT normal ;-)
Good write, Dan, as usual. Normal = Boring!
My theory has always been this: "normal" is weird; weird is normal.
The great thing is that I latched on to that theory in high school while I was going to through and coming to realizations about all the things you've been writing about lately - bullying, perfection, etc. I am actually glad I had many relatively large problems to face at such a young age because I have matured in those aspects far sooner than most people and I can actually enjoy my life, being me.
I am glad you're writing about these subjects. I forget sometimes how many people, young and old, haven't realized these things (for me it's common sense now). Talking and writing about it will help a lot of people.
p.s. I could write you a multi-volume autobiography on how awesomely abnormal I am. My mom calls me arrogant (I am aware that I have flaws :-P), I just have a strong sense of self-worth that I think everyone should have.
The one comment i've been using since I was in high school (about 15 years now) has been 'I'm completely normal..... for me. If people don't like it, that's their own problem' :0)
Ever seen, "The Fantastic Mr. Fox"? The characters describe Ash as "different" and they wave their paws. All Ash wants is to be "normal"- in the end he accepts himself for whom he is. Such a great lesson. I love your blog Dan!
I was just browsing for a blog to use for a small project in my senior program course, but I couldn't stop reading. You just totally rocked my socks. My senior program course teaches us how to "blend in" at college. If it weren't a fourth of my GPA this semester, I would just drop the course because I read this.
Conversation from Facebook
Bernice Kelman
Why be normal? Weird works for me.
Jorge Casales
Why settle for normal when you are unique?
Dru Hartranft Hopkins
I just want to know how often "normal" people wash their sheets and towels. I just can't get a clear answer (and when I do, I'm not sure I believe them...) If I could just get a ballpark range....I'm sure I could then be "normal". Thanks, SDL. Great post.
Dawn Hallman
normal is a setting on your dryer... not for people.
Bruce Hunter II
Once again, you have blown me away!
Sarah Anderson
Being different and unique makes you interesting and gives people a reason to be drawn to you
Miriam S Mullins Phillips
Wanted to share that I love your page. Just discovered it today after reading a piece our campus paper ran from your blog. Thank you :)
Sarah Dilts
Normal is just a setting on the Washing machine
Beth Sollars
Normal is what other people think you should be... so,
don't be that, and don't do that to others... live and let live.
Elizabeth Abbott
I figured out a long time ago that most of the time, criticism means I'm doing what no one else has the balls to do. I'm not normal, and i never will be, and I'm darned proud of it.
Yakir Ze'ev
Normal for each of us is what Beth just said. But for too many people, "normal" means "be just like everyone else and don't stand out so I'm not criticized."
Ellen Hilliard
Agree with Beth!!!
Andrea Heuston
Normal is just a setting on the dryer.
Beth Dumpert Brown
normal is what you are every day. You just don't know it :)
Jennifer E. Gretes
I'm still trying to define my version of normal after a lengthy divorce! Finally almost back to my old self though, with some improvements!
Corey Chatelain
Normal is the nice way to say "boring"
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Housing developments make me sad. Offices make me sad. Schools with school uniforms make me sad.
Why? Because they're all cesspools of normality. When did you ever a housing development with a purple house? I bet you've never seen one. Well, I'm 14, and I live in an earth-toned house in what was originally a housing development (before my house burned down, that is). Were it up to me, it would probably by teal, purple, maybe pink. But I'm prohibited from doing that, and even if I could, my parents would never let me. But you know what? Someday I'll live in a lime-green or pink or purple or teal or cyan house, and I'll revel in all those people walking by squinting or with confused expressions on their faces.
I'll be that guy walking into work wearing a suit jacket and shorts. That is, if it doesn't get me fired. And it makes me sad that I probably would get fired if I pulled something like that.
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