Get out your money

This reminds me of what my parents always did when we were kids! We never got the whole "weekly allowance" for the mundane chores around the house. Instead, my mom always had 'hard jobs'; like cleaning their bathroom, helping dad work on the addition, or whatever big project was going on; and every time we opted to do those big chores we got paid 2.50 an hour when we were little, and 5$ an hour after we were 8.

And any candy, or 'special' things, we had to buy. It really instilled a good work ethic! And it pushed us kids to branch out to find other work with neighbors; When i was 10 i was working 2-3 hours a day every day, and even though our family was pretty much poor, i always had the money to do whatever i wanted with friends :)

When my, now 26 year old, daughter wanted candy in the grocery store check out line, she knew the answer would be no to typical kid candy-starburst, skittles, etc. She learned to ask "Hey, mom, you want half a Mounds". Worked every time!

When my daughter was 3 we took a road trip across the country. Of course every touristy spot we stopped at she found something she wanted to buy. At first I was telling her "later". One time she showed me something she wanted and asked " can I have this after later?".
I finally told her that I couldn't buy her something in every store we went in but.....I could take her picture holding the item she wanted! So now we have pictures of her smiling and holding whatever it was she had picked out. She was really happy with that.

Bahahhahahaha Love it your a genius...please keep posting these so I can have every possible answer to my 3 boys questions xD<3

My mother used the "you can have it if you pay for it yourself" approach. I have to say, as a nearly-21-year-old, it was quite effective! I pay for my apartment and my bills all from my own earnings, while most of my friends in college are still living on Mommy and Daddy's dime.

My soon always wants to eat out. We're saving up money in his savings account for him to go visit his grandma in arkansas, and he knows that. So lately when he suggests we go out and we ask who's paying, he says he will with that savings. I ask him if going to sizzler tonight is more important to him then seeing his family in July, and given that choice, he always chooses to keep saving.

I remember one time a couple of years ago, I sitting back with a beer and a book. My daughter came in and wanted one herself....I gave in. I figured the hangover the next morning would be enough to kill any desire in the future. I was wrong....for two years we would sit back together and drink...and watch tv...read together, and sometimes play video games together. It was actually kind of good, because getting drunk together brought us closer together.

Unfortunately, it all came to a head when I got the call that she was drunk at recess. I went to pick her up...and found out she'd been sneaking my whiskey out to the school yard for a year now. I was furious. She could drink beer, but not the whiskey. It's more expensive, and I'm cheap. So I started taking her to meetings...at first every night, and then gradually to just once a week. At seven years old, she has her 90 day coin. I'm so proud of her.

You're funny when you're on Nyquil. :) I laughed out loud at the stapling of the pants. Thanks for this tip, I will certainly give it a spin! ...the get out your money part, not the stapling...

What I did, from the start, with my son was to NEVER buy him a toy or whatever that he picked up when we were at the store. If I bought him something I would put in the cart when he wasn't looking (or wasn't with me) and then gave it to him later, in the car or at home. We were able to look at the toys on the shelf or at the checkstand and say "ooh, those are cool, huh?" and then put 'em back - no tears, no sadness, no problems because he didn't have an expectation that we were going to buy it... it never entered his little head! No saying 'no' and lots easier than trying to come up with a round-about way to say yes, but you have do do this consistently from the day you bring 'em home. It was so easy to shop with him - I always promised myself that I would never have a whiny, begging kid who was a terror to be in public with! Plus, he's an only child, so I knew it would be too, too easy to give him everything he asked for and ruin him for life! When he was older we could surprise him now and then by buying something without fear of causing a tantrum the next time we were in a store.

Being a preschool teacher, they always make us take 15 hours of classes outside of work to better educate ourselves in our profession. We went to one class that said, "Try not to say no, and say Yes more often." Something about saying yes is more positive and makes it so the kids aren't running around bored. Anyway, this will totally help me in my class with 3 year olds. Thanks!

OMGawd! WHere have you been all my life?!?! I could really use this info! :)

I do the same with my son. I have to say, at 13 he's very aware of what he really wants and how much it's going to cost. Often when we go to the store, he'll go over to the game/candy/whatever section to get something, give everything a good hard look and then say [usually to himself] "nope, nothing I want here." I love it.

I know this is awful, but one year when all the stuffed animals were hanging form those chains at Target, and my son asked for one, I told him it was 'just a decoration'. It ended things so well, I started saying that for everything. "Mom, can I have...."? "I'm sorry honey, that's just a decoration". It worked for years with all three of my older kids....UNTIL some lame-o kid ruined it somewhere along the line. Now, we laugh about it(they are 22, 20, and 19). I also have a now 9 yr. old(we are the ones that homeschool and go to Haiti a few times a year). They used it with her too:)

Lol, the movie Taken was crazy! I have it on a list of excuses why my daughter will never leave the US without me! I always tell my kids yes and tell them they can pay. One time it back fired though. When we go home my daughter immediately got out her piggy bank took all her coins out asked if it was enough for ice cream and then said she'd even buy me one.....I broke and had to buy her one, and I paid.

I am all about them making their own decisions, just like they will have to later in life. Lay it all out there, tell them what the consequences are and let them go for it. One night of way too much candy, and they will make better decisions next time!

That reminds me of the time when I took my two sons (8 and 10) out to Perkins for Mother's Day. They used the old "we're just kids" excuse, when I happen to know their Dad gives them an allowance. lol! My oldest had the guts to use that excuse right before he pulled out his Blackberry (his Dad's hand-me-down) to check the time!

as a single mom who also likes to laugh and has a similar response to such requests, i'll forwarn you my preteens now look at me and say, "Seriously, mom. It's not funny."

I say the same thing to my step-son when we're shopping and he says "Rico, I want this."
I always ask him if he brought his wallet or his money. When he tells me he didn't or that he doesn't have any money, I tell him we could put him to work and he can do chores for money. This usually interests him until he realizes chores means dusting furniture or cleaning the toilets. One day...I'll get him to clean a toilet. ;o)

I have 3 boys, ages 11, 9 & 6. My solution: I started paying my children an allowance. $1/week for each year of age; half goes straight into their savings accounts the other half they get to spend how they wish. They know they can't spend it on a ton of candy, but other than that I let them do as they wish. They save up for a certain toy they want, or at times have pooled thier money for a video game. I'm a single mom so money can be tight. This gives them a little money and keeps me from feeling guilty from saying 'no" all the time. They learn to budget and save and love having their own money to spend. I pay for all school related costs and of course buy them books to read; everything else is on their dime. ;)

My mom used to say, "Spit in one hand and wish in the other. Which one is heavier?" With my children, I just bring a notebook for and jot down their wishes for another time.

Laughed at the stapeling comment, so funny :)

You should be very careful with that.

As a child who experienced this while growing up ("Can we get some ice cream?" "Yes. But not today" or "Can we rent a movie?" "Yes. But not tonight. Another night.") I was often very, very disappointed by the "Yes" followed by the stipulation of what is in reality a "No", much more than the times I just heard "No" or "Not today" first.

What you are doing in reality is setting your child up so you can smash his dreams. "Can we play at the park?" "Yes..." (He's now thinking, "Hooray! First tag, then swings-I'll have him push me as high..." only to be smashed when you finish with) "Tomorrow."

To this day, when I ask my parent a question about doing something fun or special, and the answer is "Yes", I brace myself for the "But not today" or "Not right now". I have truly been scarred for life. :( Not cool. I'd much rather have just heard "No".

My little Leah hears this all the time...either that or as soon as you have a job =0)

I tried this approach when my kids (now 14 & 16) were young and it worked really well. I loved not having to say no - but it did start to unravel as they got older. My favorite was when I showed my empty pockets and they responded with "that's ok, just use your card in the magic money machine" - referring of course to the credit card swiper at each cashier. Uh oh... I knew I was in trouble. So I sometimes switched it up. For example, as a single mom the kids always wanted to sleep with me - (no hate mail with pop psych on this one please) but I didn't get much sleep sandwiched between 2 squirmy worms so I said "how about I make you a deal, one of you can have Monday and Wednesday and the other can have Tuesday and Thursday and mommy gets the bed to herself on Fridays" They loved it because they now got private time too. Then one day one of the kids approached me and said "mommy, I want to make a deal...." I knew I was in real serious trouble now! But my kids have grown into two amazing teenagers - yes teenagers can be amazing - so keep on doing what you're doing Dan - unconditional love with an occasional dose of discipline - it works!

I started saying yes to my childen when I rad a aritcule in a parents magazine titled "Native American Indians do not say NO to their children for the first 5 years" It grabed my attchen because I was like everyone needs boundaries, how the heck does that make sense, to say yes to everything? It really opened my eyes. I felt very lucky to find the article before my first baby was 14monthe old. It was a challenge for me to learn how to say yes, then I had to convence my husband. Luckly I have a great husband, it only took one conversation to convence him, but it too us a little while to find the grove and then to teach anyone who looked after our children so they would be confused or fustratied. They being both our children and the care giver. Some 'grand parents' never did get it, we just chose to limit the time they spent alone together to minimize the stress.

Cute! I usually tell my boys that if they behave very well in the store, they can get ONE thing-- a small toy or a snack. When it gets to the point when they've pointed at a second object, I usually just remind them that they can only get one and ask them which one they like better. My 3 year old loves to be able to choose on his own, so he gets a kick out of that.

Too funny. I do the same thing most of the time. The rest of the time I either say yes (for real) or no. And when I say no that means no. That works wonders too. I often get asked to visit the toy aisles. I usually tell the little one that after we check off everything on our shopping list and if he behaves then we will go look, but not buy so do not ask to buy anything. He agrees and loves looking and pushing all the "try me" buttons. This is a great compromise.

I tell my kid we'll add it to the list for Santa and pull out a pencil and paper and "write it down." They forget about it. They just like to be "heard."

When my daughter was between 2 and 6 I would always say maybe.....worked like a charm because her attention span was so short we would be on to the next thing before she would remember.....no more no melt downs! She is almost 20 now and I still like her!

Can somebody explain me why not simply saying "no" when one means "no"? What is the problem with being straightforward, as long as one remains kind and understanding to the child?

You had me at "Hostel"

and then Nyquil, as I have imbibed my share this evening

You are hilarious. Came by your blog via a comment link by "Kathy" on the Maxminimus blog.

I will be a regular visitor now. Thanks .

I'm totally trying this on my next shopping trip, forget that I'm trying it at bedtime when my son asks for 5 more minutes. Think this will work on my husband too?

I like it. If you use it to let the kid be responsible for their choices, the most important skill. Not if you just use it to avoid saying no. Some other questions in many of these conversations are -- What do you think will happen if you do that? How would / will you feel after eating that many cookies? Do you want that?

I love the "get out your money." But once again, only if it is a real answer. Would it really be a good thing to get even if you had the money? Do you really want to say "Buy whatever you want if the money is in your hand!" So yeah, it's a great answer, and a great conversation starter. But don't let it end there. How about "How could we make that?" Or "Do we have anything at home we could use to do that?" Or "Daddy would have to be at work blank number of hours to get that . Is it worth Daddy being gone that many hours?" Or "We have this much money. Do we want to buy this or this? " or even "We have this much money? What is the most amount of fun we can have with this much money?"

I always got a few weird looks from other shoppers when out grocery shopping with my daughter and her begging for me to buy spinach... again... "but we just had that last night"... "I want it again Mommy!"... how do you say No to that?! (She still loves spinach, years later, but hates broccoli. Can't win them all, I guess)...

Great post! I can't wait to try it with my kids!