A little too much at home

When I say, Make yourself at home, it so I *don't* have to cater to them. I'd rather them feel comfortable to grab a snack or whatever would make them comfortable, rather than trying to anticipate. If they wanted to eat more than one candy bar, I'd ask if they did that at their house? Of course, all of my friends and family respect me, so I haven't run into your problem. I guess you could change it to "make yourself at home, as long as you act like a civilized adult there" LOL

You know, there is a point where people cross a line and this was one of those times. I don't know, maybe just because I'm older now, but I don't suffer fools so gladly any longer. My opinion: you were gracious and extended your hospitality; he, was obviously lacking in social skills. These people you just treat firmly because believe me - they don't take hints. After missing the not so subtle hints you eventually should have said, it's time for you to leave now. Would you like to take the rest of the candy bars with you?

had a friend stay for a while, was someone who i was thinking of having as a housemate next year, so seemed like a good idea. not so much. guy is a decent friend, but he doesn't bathe. and didn't put down sheets on the couch he was sleeping on. nasty stuff >.< there's a limit to how nice you can be, especially when you're poor enough to only have hand-me-down blankets... which happen to be hand made... glad that month ended.

Once I even just finally went to bed and my guests were STILL on the couch hours later. Good thing I liked them. Okay it was more than once. But they never ever disrespected my stuff or my kids, so I just rolled with it.

Really? *Really*?

I have never had this happen, or anything like it.

On the other hand, when someone does something so spectacularly rude (F bombs in front of children, gas passing jokes that are too crude for my tastes) I have absolutely no problem letting them know that I'm offended.

I have no problem telling anyone when they do something that I consider rude or inappropriate, though.

And yet, I don't actually have to tell people to make themselves at home in my home. They know that they can do so almost immediately. And by "make themselves at home" I mean that they relax, sit down, learn quickly where I keep my dishes and food, and let new guests know where the bathroom is.

You know what else they do, my guests who make themselves at home?
They do my dishes. One friend swept my kitchen floor because we had a windy fall day with lots of leaves which had gotten blown in.

I did once have a bozo show up at a party. He was rude to everyone, smelled like he had only a passing familiarity with bathing, and demanded a bottle of high-octane booze (which I didn't have) to keep to himself. At a Christmas party, populated with families.
He had arrived with a friend I cared about deeply, so I tolerated his behavior until the party wound down, then told her in no uncertain terms to take him away and never bring him back.
If he had come in under his own power, I'd have thrown him out immediately.

You can only tell someone to make themselves at home if they're housebroken. :D

re-dicker-us!

In my world, I call that 'familiarity' and I don't like it. That's like someone coming to visit for a weekend and using every last bit of my favorite coffee creamer *ahem, MIL*. Manners, anyone?!

OMG too funny! Made me think of that old Saturday Night Live skit... the guests from Hell or something like that!!! Thanks for the giggle!
Cherryl

My visitor like that one is my mother...she can only stay for four days. That's it. No more! And I'd prefer to count travel days in that total, but she insists on tacking them onto either end of her visits.

well, this kind of 'hospitality' sometimes was irritating to me too..
it seems to me that "make yourself at home" statement has no boundaries at all.. say it for once and see how far the interpretation stab you in the back.. :-)

just like Synesthesia said in the 1st comment, i tend to keep people out of my territory.. so, (lucky me) to be the guest, not the host.. some friends of mine like to invite me to their events, so very often i do have to sleepover at their place.. they keep saying this 'spell' just to make me feel comfortable at their place.. and to be honest, i think of this as a responsibility, not a right.. i mean they trust me, so why should i be the jerk??

I have had someone come in and start going through my cupboards! I was absolutely horrified .... I just stood there with my mouth on the floor unable to say anything!

Oooh. Terrible guest. However, a guest is a guest - you do eventually get your space back at some point. I had a flatmate who used to tickle my boyfriend, fart on my pillow and laugh, and shave his back in our living room... That's one guest I couldn't ask to leave!

Kind of like you Single Dad Laughing! Funny how it' s turned around now. So what ever did you do with that money you solicited from people. Did you ever buy those M&M's for the cancer stricken/hospitalized children?

By the way......M&M chocolate is kind of gross. It's like 10% chocolate and 90% modified /oil food products.

All right, I have to say this because I am reading Jack Canfield's Success Principles. First, you have to be 100% responsible for yourself. And second you have to tell the truth. So, even if you told someone to make themselves at home, and then they do, only that wasn't how you meant, and you don't like it, then clarify and expect better. For example. You might have said, hey, dude, I know I said to make yourself at home, but we also have manners here. So, lighten up on the gas and the language. It's g rated while my kid is around. I know you are a responsible Dad Dan, so in this case it was totally called for if he did not get the drift, to also invite him to leave for Noah's sake. However, I am sure you had a discussion with him after about how it's nice to be good house guests, and how your rules are different and we would not do those things as guests in others homes, etc. Having said all that, it's easier said sometimes than done. But sometimes people DO need to hear the truth. Friend or family.

We had a "friend" (someone who wanted me as his wife before I got married) who asked if he could stay with us. We set down the ground rules before he moved in- get a job, be helpful, be respectful....the normal things. He moved his computer in and proceeded to be on it during the day-in the days of dial-up. We finally told him that he could not use the computer until after 10 p.m. so we could get our business calls during the day (and pray there were no family emergencies at night). So.....he stayed up all night on the computer and slept during the day. He was quite put out that I made noise doing my housework while he slept. We asked when he was going to get a job as we agreed upon when he moved in. He said he couldn't sit in a chair all day as it hurt his back (he was a Viet Nam vet). When I asked him what the difference would be sitting in a chair all day compared to sitting in a chair on the computer all night, he said that since he slept all day a job would interfere. Hmmmm. He went through 3 wives (wonder why?) with whom he'd had children and couldn't understand why they wanted supervised visits.....After MORE complaints of housework noise, I moved him into my storage room in the basement where it was totally dark. Unfortunately, since I wouldn't do laundry at 10 pm, I got more complaints because the washer and dryer were right over his head.
He asked tearfully if his daughter could move in because she'd broken up with her boyfriend and had nowhere else to go. I liked her, so made a room for her downstairs so she could be by her dad. She moved in on Weds. and Friday "daddy" disappeared. He was gone until Monday, when he slithered in with a girl he'd met online and spent the weekend having sex with, leaving his daughter alone with us. Then he spent over an hours trying to convince my son and his daughter that having sex with someone you'd spoken with for weeks online was ok. It was good, if you were an adult. Forget what I tried to teach you, my daughter. You must still do it, but I, your father, can do as I please.....
My husband told him if he didn't have a job by the end of the week, he was OUT. I know, we were patient, crazy people (and MEAN!). He got a job (donating plasma) and threw his $50 at us each Friday. We finally got fed up with him and threw him out. I went downstairs and found several Playboys and several gallon jugs of urine. He went on later to screw us over and then said WE had been poor Christians to kick his fanny out the door. He was homeless (lived on the beach in his van) for 10 years, by choice. I can barely stand to look at him today. UGHHHHHH! Oh, his daughter got pregnant by that boyfriend. He was so proud.

My brother-in-law is the WORST. He eats our food, begs for money ect. I LOVE offering our home up to loved ones. If we lived closer to family I would graciously offer up our place for all family functions. I don't mind to cooking, cleaning and stress that goes into that sort of thing. Like at all.

But something about him irks me. It's probably the fact that after I gave birth to my son he rushed up here from 2 states away. We had a family crisis (my newborn was in the NICU, I had PPA, I was readmitted to the hospital.. bad times) and I was grateful that people stepped in to help. Not him though. He came up here, ate our food, made a mess, stayed at our home and brought his new girlfriend. I mean like they'd been dating for 2 weeks and I've never met the girl. They acted as if they were on vacation. Instead of being at the hospital like everyone else they spent the time doing 'touristy' things because she'd never been to this city. I had just had a VERY traumatic delivery and my son was iffy health wise for awhile. He was touring the city and sleeping with this girl on my couch when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and bleed/recoup in private. I love him but DAMN.

Honestly I wouldn't have gotten him a blanket. I would have told him he needed to go home. I have waited to long to finally tell people to leave, but in the end I let them know they need to go. If settle hints don 't work sometimes you need to be more blunt. Unfortunately, he probably is lonely due to those same problems and just wanted company.

Oh how I LOVE those out of town guests that just show up and never call in advance to let you know that they are coming,, the ones that use you (pawn off everyone). Eat your food, don't lift a finger. I tell them when they call that we have students and there is no extra room. I show them the same respect they show me now. I would never ever do that to anyone!

Meh. It's his funeral. Let him get adult diabetes. Then you can laugh when they have to amputate his poorly circulated limbs.

I have a story that I consider worse. It happened quite a few years ago, when I was young enough to be a babysitter and not yet a mom. The family I was sitting for had two small children and had a three bedroom house . . . nice but not palatial, by any means. They mentioned on their way out the door that they hoped to make a short evening of it because they were expecting house guests that evening, but not until late. They gave me the name of the family they were expecting, just in case they weren't home when the guests arrived, so I would let them in. About an hour after they had gone, the family of SIX arrived and took over. The parents unpacked into the master bedroom, then proceeded to inform the older of the original two children that he would be sleeping in the crib with his infant sister so that their youngest could have his bed, and plundered the linen closet for sheets and blankets to put on both the den and living room couches ("we're sure they wouldn't have invited us meaning for anybody to sleep on the floor!" ) for the two children not sleeping in the guest room with the single child that did claim it. By the time my employers got back from their dinner out, practically the entire contents of their refrigerator and pantry had been warmed up and placed out for a late dinner for their entire family, with the mother commenting that she was an expert at "make-do." I don't know where the home-owners slept that night, or how long the guests stayed, but it has made me avoid inviting friends or even family to my house to visit ever since.

Just got myself into a similar mess this weekend. I have a new, male friend and we had dinner and drinks somewhere between our homes. At 8, I was ready to go home and lay around on my couch after a long week at work and with the kids. He asked what was next--and me being me and feeling guilty since he'd come all the way out to meet up with me--offered that if he wanted to follow me ALL THE WAY HOME, he could and we'd watch movies. I also said he could stay on the couch or in one of the kids' rooms if he didn't want to drive the 90 minutes back home that night. Needless to say, he was still there when I woke up and didn't leave until a little after half time...I barely spoke to him, took a call from work, watched a movie and then football (which he isn't into)...and still he stayed. At halftime, I took to praying and God answered my prayer! THANK YOU, GOD!!

Thankfully, I've never had one of those guests. When did you get rid of him?

Gee, at least you are still laughing, single dad.

I think the worst is when you go on trips with people you're not necessarily fond of (extended family, for example) and then you're just all miserable. Like, you feel like you have to be on your guard the whole time, when you're SUPPOSED to be on vacation. I hate that!

I totally get that it is uncouth, but let go of the passive agressive. As much as you have taken up the gauntlet to see the honest and true beauty of people, don't hide how you feel about certain behaviors in your house because it isn't "nice". This guy deserves your honesty and you deserve to "guide" people in the rules of your own home. It is exactly what women try to do without actually turning a guy down. Swift honesty is better than passive tolerance. Then the guy feels bad that it has gone on for so long.

I know exactly how you felt. I've been in those situations many, many times. Sitting here I'm trying to think of the one that really tipped the boat and this one really did. My husband and I were students and he befriended a guy who was a foreign student. He didn't know anyone and barely spoke English and my husband took pity on him... Welllll... My dear hubby invited him to our apartment over the weekend. One night, they decided to go out for pizza and bowling with the guys. My 6 year old son and I were sitting quietly watching a movie when there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peep hole and saw a woman who looked like she was ready for a party. I thought to myself that she must have the wrong place. My son was standing behind me. She said that *whatshisname* had invited her and where was he? I opened the door and told her he had left. She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to be in a lot of trouble unless I could give her 100 dollars. (WHAT?!?!) I told her sorry, but I didn't have it and I wouldn't give it to her if I did. I also told her that *whatshisname* was a visitor in our home and I didn't want any trouble. She left and I closed the door. About 5 minutes after that I got a call from the security guard at the front door. A guy (her pimp) was there demanding to see *whatshisname*. UGH! I went through the whole thing again and then proceeded to go around the apartment gathering *whatshisname's* things, placing them in a paper bag and setting them outside the door with a note taped to it that if my hubby returned *whatshisname* was not to step a foot over the threshold or both of them my not like the consequences. Needless to say, hubby came in alone and I never saw *whatshisname* again! I think my kindhearted hubby learned a valuable lesson that night.

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

Tennis and steroids. Follow me at http://tennishasasteroidproblem.blogspot.com

This post was too funny! My husband actually has a friend whom I told the very first time he came over to "make himself at home." I've regretted that comment ever since. My husband and I live on a tight budget (we're both still in college and work two jobs a piece to make ends meet). This friend always walks right into our apartment and goes straight for the fridge, where he usually helps himself to whatever leftovers he can find. He then sprawls out across our couch so that I have to sit on one of our dining room chairs or on the floor and asks me if I'll bring him whatever he stuck in the microwave. __When it comes time for this friend to leave, I have to literally walk him to his vehicle or he never leaves. People's rudeness and obliviousness never cease to amuse me!

Let's see....Whole family decides to cram themselves into our tiny house. I don't recall actually okaying this beforehand. Stays for more than a month. Doesn't pay for food, leaves messes, complains that I'm not social enough because I'm trying to keep up with the house and my little boy and get some alone time on the computer, complains about the food, constantly bickers, yells at the kids....There's more, but I won't go into it. It's turned me off to the idea of opening my house again for more than one evening.

Hi,

I hope that made comment made sense... I posted it before I finished or proof read it!

I meant to say " I guess I'm just an insensitive person!".

Hi,
I guess I'm just an insensitive. I would have told him to leave... I mean immediately. Especially after all of his very rude/crude behavior. He was just taking advantage of your kindness and good manners. And no it has never happened to me. I am sure I was raised as you were to treat people with respect and common courtesy. But I was also taught to use good common sense and not let others take advantage of me or my love ones. You are obviously a very nice man. Some people can sense this right away.... and will take advantage of it. Well there is a silver lining in all this. What you might ask? Your son was able to see you at your best in this terrible situation and that is pretty cool. I say live and learn. By the way, really enjoyed your blog. I know, I know... do run on a bit! lol

Yes I have had people like that and just didnt get the hint when I said that it was getting late and need to put my kids to bed. and she still stayed.

I won't say that we had a guest that made themselves too at home. But we definitely had a little miscommunication regarding time. My brother-in-law asked us to watch his cats for a few weeks while he was moving from one place to another. About a year later, he was without home as well and asked if he could crash on our couch "for a few days." Two months later, we were moving, so he and his cats all finally had to leave.

I once had a houseguest for a couple months. I allowed her and her and her premature baby to stay while he was still getting medical care. We moved my daughter out of her room so that Jill would have her own space, instead she still took up residence on our couch, hogged the remote control, emptied my pantry, and expected us to cook and clean up after her. She also left baby diapers under the bed, in the bassinet, in the couch crevices, even hidden in the corner of the closet! She had her own car but claimed she couldn't take the baby with her since he was on a heart monitor so she "let" me cart her around. And I took the baby with me when I went anywhere so she could "get a rest".
After asking her to keep the TV off after 10pm so we could sleep, she would turn the TV off until she thought I was asleep and then turn it back on! When they finally left we had a permanent indention in the couch and a smell of B.O. (did I mention she didn't shower for 5 or more days at a time?) that no washing or febreeze would get rid of. I was never so happy to see someone go! At least yours was only for one night! :)

This is why I never take friends up on offers to stay at their houses when I'm visiting their city from out of town. I always get a hotel room. If I can't afford a hotel room I don't take the trip. I absolutely hate imposing on people. Heck, I won't even sleep over at my mother's house.

I've had a couple of house guests in the last year also. While it wasn't nightmarish, it certainly wasn't comfortable. One was out of work and it would make me so mad to come home and he'd be sprawled all over my couch eating my potato chips and watching Oprah. I felt like I was coming home to a lazy spouse only I'm not married anymore! Grrrr....