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As I mentioned yesterday, I have a black duck, and it’s dancing.
I’ve always wanted to be one of “those guys” on the dance floor. You know, the guys whose bodies magically pop and glide to the music? The guys who are surrounded by lady-folk and men-folk alike because they’re so much fun to watch? The guys who, well, they just know how to dance?
I always felt too fat to dance in high school. In college, I dropped a lot of the weight, and along with it my hesitation to let loose on the dance floor. I didn’t just start dancing, I started dancing hard and often. I didn’t care what I looked like. I had fallen in love with the adrenaline rush that came with bouncing to the music. I found myself at dance clubs and dance-offs every weekend. I was addicted. I was hooked. I couldn’t get enough of it.
Then, just six words from someone I loved stopped me cold in my tracks.
We were at the university homecoming dance. I went nuts on the dance floor, like I always did. I pounded the night away and had the time of my life. I was soaked in sweat and loving every minute of it. On our way out to the parking lot, I guess I needed validation, so I asked her how I did. Her reply was short.
“You could use a little help”.
Damn, that hurt.
And after that, I stopped dancing.
In fact, I refused to dance at all for the next seven years. Every time the temptation hit me, I could only remember those six words. Dancing was my rubber duck. I wanted to dance. I longed to dance. But the fear of embarrassment overrode all desire to move with the beat. The fear of having to hear those six words again destroyed it for me.
Then, later on when I found myself back in the dating game, I also found myself being invited to dance clubs and parties again. I started to remember my love for dancing, so I purchased some dance instructional DVDs and tried to learn “proper” dance technique. I felt confident enough that I went to a club with my buddy Dave. A girl I had begun dating also showed up with her girlfriends (surprise!). I took a gulp and decided to let loose. It didn’t take long to feel good again. It didn’t take long to remember the euphoria I felt while dancing. Before I knew it, that thrill of sweat-soaked hair and sticky clothes came rushing back to me. I was dancing again. And it was awesome.
The next day I talked to this girl. Still feeling the sting of the comment from years previous, I asked her how I did. She said I did great. WOOOHOOO! And then, “really though, you shouldn’t put your hands above your waist. You shouldn’t snap while you dance. You shouldn’t [fill in your own blank]“. She gave me a long list of shouldn’ts, all things I had definitely done while dancing the night before.
Damn, that hurt.
And, I stopped dancing.
Again.
That was about two years ago. And I’ve never had the guts to dance again. I’ve avoided it like the plague. I truly lost the desire to ever do it again. My duck would never be black. It would be wrong for it to be black. I would be stuck with a yellow duck for the rest of eternity. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I suggest you read yesterday’s post).
Or so I thought. Two days ago… Yes, I said two days ago, I sat down to write a post that I had been planning for some time. The title was “Have better moments”. I never wrote that post (though it’ll be a good one when I do!) because I ended up writing Before the number changes instead.
It was one of those posts that was something I desperately needed to hear, and I had no idea if anybody would or could understand what I was trying to say. It was one of those posts that just flowed through my fingers, putting the things inside of me into words that I could understand. ThatI needed to read. That would change me. By the end, I realized what my biggest black duck was. It was dancing.
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I hear ya man. I've always thought I was a "decent" dancer, and do so whenever possible. I was informed today that my dancing was described as looking like a "duck out of water."Damn that hurt. But then I remembered reading this post awhile back, and decided to come back and reread it. Who cares, as long as we're having fun. Don't like it? Don't look. ;)
Dan, all I have to say is "Dance!!" I love to dance. I also love to swim. I'm also over a hundred pounds overweight. I dance AND go swimming (and yup, even wear a bathing suit as opposed to t-shirt and shorts when I go swimming). Why do I do these things when people could make snide remarks (and some even do on occasion) about my "less than perfect" body type doing things that "fat people look gross doing"? Because I don't give a rat's bottom what they think about what I look like when I'm dancing or swimming. I do them because I derive pleasure from doing those things. AND YOU SHOULD TOO. Interestingly enough, every man I've ever been involved with hated to dance. When I asked them why, they all said, "Because I'll look stupid." I told each and every one of them, "You think some folks will think I look stupid when I dance? Do you think I care what they think? It's FUN and honestly, that's all that matters." So if you have fun dancing, and you don't physically hurt anyone else in the process, JUST DO IT! :) :) :)
Dancing it does the body good, and the soul, and the ... As you said, you dance just fine and that means divine, especially now that you stopped caring what other's think. Nothing I like more than to crank the sound up loud and move. My dog grabs his squeaky toy and keeps time. After a good dance it keeps me two inches above the ground for the rest of the day.
1) I was bawling like a baby reading this. I realize I've done this, too, and I think I'm going to have to make a video myself. :) Thanks for reminding me to love myself, and forget about the haters.
2) If you have the extra $$, consider picking up an XBox 360, a Kinect sensor, and one of the "Dance Central" games -- it's fun as hell, they lead you through the steps, and it even takes goofy pictures while you do it (unless you turn the camera function off)! It's my favorite way to exercise and blow off steam, and I think you'd really enjoy it.
I love to dance! I was dancing the Cupid Shuffle with my this afternoon--Valentine's Dance...very fun then I had to do work in my classroom here are a video of i thttp://youtu.be/h24_zoqu4_Q
Welll... you're dancing now sunshine!!! And on stage!!! Excited to see you in Dancing with the Stars (UTAH Style!) ;) You. Are. Going. To. BE. AWESOME! :)
I wanted to punch that girl who told you not to snap your fingers. You raise your arms HIGH, and snap loudly, my friend. Dance your @$$ off, Dan Pearce!! Those who don't like it can stuff it.
Dance every day and en..JOY!!!! How sad that you stopped .
Set your inner Dancing Bear free!!!
I apologize...I know how well you taught us that we can control our thoughts...but when you said imagine a yellow rubber duck, I saw one of those rubber chickens and thought I saw you swinging it in the air as you were dancing! I need to get my ducks and chickens figured out!
Dance! And quit asking what others think..lol Dance until you can't anymore..it is like singing..sing..even if you aren't perfect..sing..so..DANCE!
Dan, sometimes your posts hit close to home ya know??
you need to get up with Ellen Degeneris..
Dan.....Quit asking "how did I do?". If you enjoy dancing and you want to dance...just do it. Dance with all the love you have. As you get older, and wiser, you will see that you don't have to have someone's approval that you dance well. Just don't bother to care what other people think. If you are having a good time, and you enjoy it.....(YOU, being the primary person) that's all that count's. Just dance to your heart's content.
I didn't start dancing until long after my children were gone. Then one day I tried line dancing. Cool. Later my husband and I began to square dance and I was hooked. IN order to love dancing, you've got to not care what other people think about it - just how you feel about it.
I loved your description of dancing in the shower. I've never tried that.
I grew up dancing! We dance ALL the time in our house. We love dancing so much, that one time my niece & I went all over town w/our tap shoes on tapping as we shopped & ran errands. I may not fit today's standards of dancing, but I don't care & neither should you! Way to go black duck!!!
You go ahead and dance, Dan. Who cares what people think you look like? It's who you are inside. It makes you look happy, and if you're happy, then just dance. My daughter silly dances all the time, and she's 11. Get your groove on on the dance floor!
It is amazing to me that we allow other's insecurities to stop us from doing what we love. Dancing is not my black duck because I dance at every opportunity, mostly to feel connected with spirit and my muse, but I do have one. For me it is writing. I love to write and when I am not writing I am thinking about writing. When I was about nine years old I told my dad I was going to write a book. He said, "Writing a book takes a really long time." like I didn't have it in me to put in the time or that I wasn't smart enough to write a book (he was always cracking jokes at my stupidity or how naive I was). It took me a long time to move past that. I have worked long and hard at proving to myself how creative and smart I really am and though I haven't written a book yet, I have two blogs and I have posted articles on ezinearticles.com. I am a writer and an artist.
Thank you Dan for being so refreshingly honest and sharing your shadows as well as your light.
I wish I could dance, but I'm terrible. And it bugs me. I've thought of taking lessons -- but I fear I'd be the worst in the class. So I'm stuck.
@Single Dad That's what we're talking about. Forget what other people think. Taking lessons is a good idea too. YOu might find a dance partner there.
@Single Dad Dance in your living room, kitchen, bathroom. Seriously it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Our bodies are meant to move and we are meant to enjoy it! It doesn't matter how you move just put on your favorite music and move your body to the beat. As a famous song says, "I hope you dance".
Ooh, mama mia...... you've touched a nerve! I have always wanted to dance, and I can. But- being abused as a kid, I can't STAND it when someone looks at my body that way. Yes, something to get over. :) I'm a work in progress, God is good to me and has done a mighty work in my life. Keep it up, Dan!! You're an inspiration to many!
Lori,
I just finished an amazing Biblically-based book on abuse (sexual) called the Healing Path by John P. Splinter (http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Path-Guide-Rebuilding-Sexual/dp/0840792514). Even after 7 years of therapy, this book took me on a roller coaster of things I didn't know were still lurking in my emotional closet. I wouldn't normally post on other people's posts but my "black duck" is talking too much and giving unsolicited advice because I want to help so much. So, I'm just putting it out there. Maybe it's a good fit for you, maybe not. Either way, I hope you get over your black duck! Love in Christ, Elaine Mingus
@ElaineMingus Aww, thanks for caring Elaine. I checked the book out. :) I have so many and have read so many and been through therapy, yet this is one thing I still don't want to do, lol. I appreciate you taking the time to say something, so don't be afraid of helping others. It just might be your gift to the world. :) God Bless!
Dan, I love the way you dance!
I once had someone tell me my laugh was weird, and now I'm self conscience about it, but I love to LAUGH! So I say tough for them, I'm gonna laugh! - Meredith
You are so cool. I love how you let it all hang out, like that photo of that wonderfully sexy French model that I saw on FB yesterday, Tara Lynn.
I had a girl that I adored in junior high. I told her so...everyday. And one day, she said "GAWD! You are SO annoying." Still today, I feel like I am annoying people. I am still learning to accept myself, even if I say things that are annoying (and I'm sure sometimes I do, but most of the time, I'm pretty funny!")
I'm sorry to hear that people bug out on your posts. Just know, most of us, love your posts. The rest can just suck it!
Singing. Before I started kindergarten I sang in church. was complimented by church goers. I participated in plays both in church and school until5th grade. My parents decided it would be healthy for us to move to WV. That's really when my life started going downhill. But my black duck was ripped from me in music class of the new school and I was asked to sing a few lines from the song, Angel's Among Us. When I was done this, Ashley made a small. "You really can't sing" Now those words ricocheted through my mind, in a few moments my mind replayed every single time that I had ever sang! I was suddenly embarrassed! I prided myself over my singing ability. And now...I felt ashamed. I did not show up for that concert or any other. I made the attempt expected of me at practices. But I never showed up for the actual play. I never sang again. Today, I quietly sing to my girls. Lullabies are supposed to be sung to our babies, amazing how accepting my girls are of my singing. They fall asleep easily. For awhile my 4 year old considered herself too big for it, but having her baby sister around, I guess has reminded her that she enjoys the music. So, I'm glad that I can still express my black duck. I'm thankful to be able to at all. Compared to some, Dan, that has had to live without the ability to confidently express your own to anyone. Congrats for your new found power!
@MichelleHaines Your comments remind me of a Harry Chapin song. Mr Tanner, about a tailor who loved to sing. The lyrics are so moving. The closing line is "he did not know how well he sang...it just made him whole." It's on youtube, and certainly worth your time to listen to.
My black duck? I have a lot of them. I think the biggest one is being divorced. I'm sure people are saying "What?!"
Well, I am part of a religion and I live in an area of the country where it is severly frowned upon. Seriously.
I would go to church and feel the judgement pouring down on me. I would go to work and there were people who wouldn't talk to me or associate with me and I was sure that's why.
I went to a counselor to help me re-learn how to cope with life and found that a lot of my issues stemmed from these feelings I was having. Finally, the counselor convinced me that the judgement I felt was all in my mind and that no one really cared. Or at the most they thought very little about it. He suggested I don't avoid talking about it.
It was only a week or so later that I was asked where I was from and that naturally led into a discussion about my history. Feeling confident, I mentioned the fact that I was divorced. It took less than 2 seconds to realize the judgment was REAL!
Thankfully, by that point in my life I recognized that I had a black duck and I didn't really care what others thought. When people ask me where I'm from, I am always sure to include the fact that I'm divorced. I don't wear it like a badge or anything, but I don't skirt around it. I wish I had a camera for some of the looks I've recieved. I have even had someone tell me very politely that I shouldn't tell people I'm divorced because it makes them judge me.
MAKES them?!?!? I don't think so.
I told him very politely that I'm not perfect and if people judge me, it's their problem, I can't change who I am. Being divorced is a big part of who I am. Believe it or not it has redefined how I view marriage. It has changed what I will do when I'm married again (yeah, I'm going to do it one last time...for life!). It has defined how I treat my son. It's changed how I work. Actually, it has roots in all parts of my life...so damn it, I'm divorced!
Quizzack! :)
i LOVE to dance. i'm 'good' at it. i say 'good' b/c it's all about perspective. i trained as i was younger and i am in a group that dances for shows... fun mainly.
not once have i ever told someone that they can't dance. or that they should do something different. i was always taught that dance is a form of expression and is the only freedom of expression that is truly unique to your soul and groove.
some of the dances i see my lady friends doing are not my thing, so i'm good at them and vice versa; however, instead of being critical we embrace one another's fabulous qualities in dance.
i will try my hardest to submit a vid to you. with 3 kids of my own, it will be a fun video for sure.
kudos to you and your self expression. dance on, brotha... dance on!!
hahahaha... i just realized how old this post is. off to look for the follow up video of your dance. hee hee
OMG!
That's so awesome!!
NEVER, EVER, EVER ask someone if what you do is good ....does it bring you joy and make your heart sing? YEAH!
Glad you found your way to today!
I got off my chair and did a little dance for you - and to tell the truth I am relieved I can't upload it here! But it's done!
I looked at it and have my self criticism on it but..like you I love to dance, dance in my seat, standing, when I'm doing a bridge at the gym...always moving to music...that's the JOY I choose to focus on.
To the DANCE!!
GK
People are so concerned nowadays about being perfect, in all ways. You're right, people just need to lighten up an do it just because they like to!
It's not hurting anybody after all.
Well, not most of the time.
I love this!
I can't dance at all. As a matter of fact, I once ended up on crutches and needed knee surgery because of my terrible dancing. (Of course, when people asked me what happened, I made it sound much more heroic.) But I love to dance, anyway! I don't care what people think of me when I dance, and neither should anyone else.
My mom used to walk in on me dancing in the kitchen or with my toothbrush all the time. At first I was embarrassed. But after a while, I just made her join me. And it felt great.
I totally know the feeling you have about dancing. It's great!
Great post. 2011 started with my husband dancing with me at a New Years Eve party. The happiest I have been in ages. He always says that it is not his thing. I hate waiting for a "reason" to dance. My black duck is I love to sing and around kids I can sing loud and proud, around adults quietly or not at all. I have always found kids to be honest but in a kind way but they never complain. I also find I can be humorous and more relaxed with kids. I hope that my attitude about just doing what they love translates to them as they get older. Dance with your son. You have to teach him to dance with abandon!! His joy will get rid of all your inhibitions!
As a wedding DJ, I see lots of people dance and "not dance". And nobody cares what you look like as long as there is a smile on your face. So keep dancing.
I =love= dancing and think this is an awesome post -- if I had a video camera, I would definitely send a clip. I'll have to go find a video camera, LOL...
Once again, I can so relate to this post and I'm glad that you are DANCING!!!! You know, I'm relatively sure that I'm not a very good dancer and I used to let that stop me. After my divorce I spent alot of time on dance floors because it made ME feel good. Fortunately, I've never asked any of my friends what they think. I really don't want to know. I just like the freedom of dancing. :-D
Ive stopped crying now, and I want to tell you that your blog gives me hope! I still hear the "voices" telling me what I am not, and what I cant be... but now I CHOOSE to be ME! No matter if it "kills everyone and hairlips the devil" to quote a friend of mine! lol I will be Me and not only that I will be the best ME I can! Thanks for the boost of confidence and understanding! YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh man Dan, this one got to me big time... Mine is absolutely playing the piano in front of other people. It's actually quite sad- my husband hasn't even heard me play. I hurry home from work, plug the headphones into my piano and play by myself. He doesn't know about it...One traumatizing piano recital when I was 11 and now I can't do it. I get sweaty and freeze up because I feel like if I play 1 wrong note people will judge me...No more! The recital never happened. I'm going to ask my husband if he'd like to hear me play something tonight- he asks all the time, and for the past 5 years (our whole marriage) I've said no... He's the first step! Next month I'll play something for my family at Christmas... THANK YOU AGAIN- You're my hero.
Man...I love this post. It was funny and had a good message. My black duck...Hmm...I dont know if this qualifies, but it is what immediatly came to mind. Its kind of deep though...I was told to NEVER trust anyone, I was raised that way. To this day I do not trust anyone. Ever. I think that is partially why my marriage fell apart. Im still fighting trying to paint my yellow duck. (but I want mine to be pink when Im finished, cause well, pink is friggin cool.) I do not know how to trust without question, I question everyone, all the time, I overanalyze things to a point almost painful. Im trying to change that...but that gets harder everytime the whole dont trust this person gets proven that they indeed did NOT deserve my trust...Im workin on it though. You go Dan, you dance your heart out, and have a black duck. =)
I don't like to dance and never have, so I don't feel I'm missing anything except exercise. But if you love it - more power to you. And one more thing. STOP LOOKING FOR VALIDATION! (Especially if it's something about yourself that you love and don't want to change.) If something absolutely must be said about anything, they will step up and tell you whether they are right or not. If you cook dinner, let's just hope they are kind enough to say it was yummy or keep their mouth shut. Don't ask - "how did you like dinner?"
My black duck: writing. I went to journalism school and never felt as clever or creative as all of my classmates. I graduated and never wrote again - for eighteen years, anyway.
I'm blogging now and so happy to be over that black duck. I've never felt better. You are so right.
We also have social conventions, that most people have agreed to follow, but here it gets a bit muddier again. Do you follow every social convention simply because "everyone else" thinks it's right, or do you think for yourself? If everyone followed all social conventions we'd all still be Victorians, or living in caves or something.
Bottom line... it wasn't your past that kept you from dancing. If you don't want to put yourself at risk of missing out on years of another wonderful experience, figure out what IN YOU made that happen. Change your perspective, change your outlook, and change the dynamic.
The third question is, "Why do you care so much what someone else thinks?" This may provide the real answer to the first question. Are you so lacking in confidence that someone else's opinion has become more important than your own?
Others' opinions are like suggestions. You listen, decide whether you agree or disagree, and choose to act upon it or not. Which brings us to the fourth and final question that springs to mind off the top of my head. "You're a grown person. What are you doing letting someone else decide what you should or should not do?" Sure, as parents we have to do this for our kids all the time. It's called "guidance." If your parents did their job right by the time you're an adult you should know right from wrong and be able to make such determinations on your own. Yes, we have laws we must follow. In part this is because not everyone's parents did a great job and in part because no one individual can possibly consider all the ramifications of every potential act on their own.
My message is too long??? I guess it will be in 2 posts.
I like your style. But your point misses the point.
The first question you should ask yourself is, "Why did I do this TO MYSELF?" From reading what you wrote it sounds pretty clear that, like me, you dance for YOU, not for anyone else. You're dancing for the rush, not to put on a performance. So why on earth would you set yourself up by asking for a critique?
The next question is, "Why did I ask a question I didn't want an honest answer to?" I'll occasionally reply to such questions with, "Do you want me to tell you what I think you want to hear, or do you want the truth?" That at least gives people the opportunity to withdraw the question without too much angst. Most often, I'll just tell the truth. I'll certainly do my best to avoid hurting people I care about- but if someone wants input from me they'll get it. No one is perfect. At hardly anything. So it stands to reason that there's always some way to improve on your performance. If performance is what you had in mind.
Dan....please keep dancing.
Dan! I Snap Dance too!!! We are a very elite club! You should not be condemned for your snap dancing, obviously that girl was just a wee bit jealous because she hadn't mastered the art of snap dancing. I say, we snap dancers should unite! And snap and dance to our little hearts delight! So please, never ever stop dancing, and never ever stop snapping!
My black duck is definitely singing. I love to pop on my ipod, and sing along...I remember a guy on the radio doing that (they called it Radio Idol on a morning show here a couple of years ago) and although HE thought he was fantastic, the rest of us knew otherwise. I love to sing, but some not so positive comments from my kids have led me to believe that I can't do it well. I sometimes think about taking voice lessons...but would I ever have the courage to sing in front of people again? I don't know.
Do you still need dancing clips? I was thinking of making one today while my kids are grocery shopping with their dad...but only if you still need one!!