As a word of warning, I’ve tried to keep this post as clean as possible, but there are a lot of things said by “old” people that might be a little “off-color”. If that will offend you, come back tomorrow! As for me, there aren’t a lot of things I find funnier.

But what does it mean to be old? I suppose it’s a definition that slides further away as the seconds of our lives turn into years and then into decades. I know some twenty-year-olds who think I’m a dinosaur. I also know some seventy-somethings that love to point out the generation above them who are still kickin’ it and hittin’ it. I will say this… the older I get, the more I believe in the common sentiment “you’re only as old as you feel”.

A couple days ago, I posted a simple question on the SDL Facebook page that asked, “what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say?” I had a feeling a lot of responses would come in.

What sparked it was on Sunday, my grandparents were over for dinner and my sister-in-law was telling her favorite memory of my grandpa. Apparently they were all playing a game, and they each had to answer (in one word that started with the letter “e”) how they felt when they first kissed (they met and married around 12 years ago). My grandma replied “excited”. My grandpa replied “extinct”. We all burst into raucous laughter, and then spent the better part of an hour laughing about the darndest things that old people say.

I think the best one of the night was the story of what another (very beloved) “old” person in our family had said. All of the women were at a bachelorette party a couple weeks earlier for my sister. They made her call her fiancée, and on speaker phone tell him that the wedding was off. Knowing that it was a prank call (but not that he was being heard by all in attendance), he replied, “Fine, whatever biotch.” After the initial gasps died down, this beloved “old” lady put her hand on my sister’s shoulder and said, “This is Utah. That’s Sister Biotch to him.”

Oh, yes. I really can’t wait to be seasoned and aged to that point. The older a person gets, the more they get away with, and the less politically correct they’re expected to be. By the time a person rounds 70, they can do and say pretty much whatever they want, and instead of people taking offense, they laugh until they cry, and then years later it winds up as a post on SDL for all to see.

And with that much-longer-than-planned introduction, I present to you the first installment of “Grandmas say the darndest things“. These are your stories, some of them slightly edited for typing errors, flow, or bleepable words. And, because old people can get away with more “shocking” or “crass” things in real life, I think I’m going to let them get away with it here, too. Of course, some of the dirtiest (and consequentially some of the most humorous) ones can always be found over on Facebook. But I can’t edit those, so be forewarned. Some of them would make a sailor blush.

  1. My dad said, “I can’t remember so much, but my forgetter is working just fine.”
  2. I work as a nurse in an ER. I asked a 90 year old if he had any allergies – he replied “I use to but my doctor took them out a couple years ago.”
  3. When bathroom air fresheners first came out, my grandpa announced “It used to smell like I took a s***. Now it smells like I took a s*** under a pine tree.”
  4. One of my coworkers was pregnant, we worked in a hair salon. My friend said she wanted a baby girl and the old woman said “You shouldn’t say things like that. Even though your child isn’t born yet, it still wants to please its mother and that’s where gay people come from.”
  5. ‎”You better be good, or I will spit between your butt cheeks and paddle it.”
  6. My husband’s grandpa thinks “making out” means “hanky panky.” Once he stormed out of the room in an angry tirade because his wife asked me how I was able to “make out” with my husband and his giant beard.
  7. “You’re adopting a Hispanic infant? I hope I’ll be able to understand it through the accent.”
  8. My grandfather once said that you knew it was a bad fart when you had to shake your leg to get it all out, and if that was the case, you may want to make your way to the bathroom to check. Just to make sure…
  9. My grandma, at my birthday dinner, about the cute waiter: “I’d take him home… or under the table!”
  10. My ex-father in law used to say to his wife, “Come on Rela! I’d rather take you with me than kiss you goodbye!”
  11. My great-grandma once said, when she accidently passed gas in front of us, “there’s more room on the outside, than there is on the inside!”
  12. Referencing flatulence, my grandpa used to say ‘oh, oops. I just coughed in my bloomers’
  13. I used to take care of a sweet old cowboy and one night he told me, “If I was 20 years younger, I’d pitch my tent on your front porch and wouldn’t leave till you agreed to marry me.”
  14. “You’re screwed up worse then a crippled cricket in a brim bed”
  15. “When you’re hot, you’re hot. When you’re not, you’re not. But when you’re on the pot, you give it all you got.”
  16. My great grandmother would say “For crying out sideways!”
  17. My sister was expressing to my grandma that a guy she was checking out might be too young. My grandma replied, “oh, dear. You’re never too old. Just because there’s snow on the roof,” pointing to her white hair, “doesn’t mean there’s no fire in the furnace!”
  18. We were at a hockey game with my 90 year old grandfather…the refs were doing a crummy job and the crowd was letting them know it…loudly, and with a lot of expletives…and then in a quieter moment, my grandfather took his turn. “YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD TONIGHT REF!”
  19. My grandmother – “Better to burp and taste it, than fart and waste it”.
  20. “If you are going to be stupid……You’ve got to be tough.”
  21. My friend works at a diner. An older man that is a regular there once replied (when asked if he wanted cream in his coffee), “I don’t want cream in my coffee! That is like putting clothes on a pretty woman!”
  22. An old man was talking to my son at the mall, he went in to touch his cheek and his wife said “don’t touch that lady’s baby she will probably shoot you”
  23. My Grandpa: Use a marker and draw the art you like on your arm, if you still like it in a month THEN get it tattooed.
  24. My mother-in-law asked if we could “just download the internet” lol! Sure, we’ll get the whole thing downloaded soon.
  25. My grandmother bought a 70” television. When we asked her why, she said “well how the HELL am I supposed to see the puck during the Red Wings game? It’s so damned small, that and I keep losing my glasses!”
  26. While helping a lady with her dentures one night, I said, “That’s one”, as she put the uppers into the denture cup. “That’s two”, I said as she put the bottoms into the cup. She just looked at me and said,”If there’s three I’ve been kissing him too long!”
  27. “I don’t think I want to get that heinie vaccine!” – in reference to the H1N1 vaccine.
  28. ‎”Whenever I bend over to pick something up, I take a moment to think about what else I might need to do while I’m down there.”
  29. My great aunt, after hitting a cow on the highway, said that the conversation with the farmer went over like a fart in church.
  30. My dad used to tell me he could unscrew my belly button and my arms and legs would fall off.. i was scared of screw drivers til i was 6.
  31. I was 7 months pregnant with my first child. My father and I went up to grandpa sitting in his wheelchair. My dad says, “Grandpa, do you remember Carla? She’s going to have a baby soon!” Grandpa took one look at me, looked at my belly and exclaimed, “Well don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!”
  32. “God will give you as many kids as you’re stupid enough to have.”
  33. My great grandmother used to write in birthday and holiday cards, “sorry, this pen is the one that doesn’t know how to spell…”
  34. “Hey! I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s!”
  35. Although she said nothing, I watched my 87 year old grandmother pull her dentures out on Thanksgiving and rinse them in my grandfather’s beer. He, however, did not see… and happily finished his beer.
  36. My mother (early 70s) calls her change purse her “dime bag,” often in public and loudly. As in, “let me just get my dime bag to see if I have exact change.”
  37. I always cringed when my grandpa started his lecture about boys only wanting one thing: “to get in my bloomers”
  38. “the best form of birth control is an aspirin — held firmly between the knees.

That was only 38 of the more than 500 replies to the question on Facebook. I’ve got plenty of material left. What do you all think? Should we make it a multiple-post series? And, because I really want to laugh even more, what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS, I called my incredibly awesome grandma (pictured above) to ask her if she minded if I talk about her on my blog today. She said go right ahead (in fact, one of the stories above was what she herself posted on the Facebook discussion). I then asked her what “old” meant to her and my grandpa. She poetically said, “old is when your heart stops beating young”. She then asked my grandpa who replied, “Mold without the M”.