As you know, at Single Dad Laughing we sometimes talk about letting go of “Perfection” and what it means to really love yourself. We’ve debated how healthy it is for men to place unfair expectations on women (particularly in the looks department), and we’ve also found ourselves lost in discussion about what “normal” even is.
Over the past couple months, I have repeatedly found myself deep in conversation with family members, friends, and SDL followers about how all of these things tie together, what it means for me personally, and what I truly and personally believe.
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| What do you mean “nothing really special in the looks department?” |
One of the more interesting conversations I’ve had was with my dad. I had a date lined up with a girl that I had recently become acquainted with. My dad knew this girl as well, and when he found out I had asked her out, he jokingly said, “Dan, you can’t take a girl like that out on a date. All your readers will think you’re a phony!” I took it in the good humor that he intended, but it did give me lots to think about. It’s made me ponder three things. First, is it wrong to want beautiful? Second, what is beautiful? And third, should I be concerned about what my followers will think when it comes to the girls I date?
So, first question. Is it wrong to want beautiful? Dear God, I hope not. I would hope that it goes without saying that you must be physically attracted to any person you choose to pursue romantically. I’m going to go out on a dangerous limb here, and say that those women who feel a “good man” shouldn’t be attracted to certain types of beauty are simply women who don’t feel attractive to anyone themselves. They feel that they could never be that woman. And so, for a “good man” to be attracted to a woman “like that”, makes them feel rejected. And nobody likes feeling rejected.
Which brings me to the second question, and probably the trickiest of the three. What is beautiful?
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I like butchy/andro girls and am not at all attracted to lipstick/femme lesbians. I am also neither butchy or femme, so I am constantly getting comments about the women I choose to date/find attractive. I've actually been called to the floor in groups of lesbian friends for not finding anything sexually interesting about Megan fox or Angelina straddling chairs in practically nothing. They just aren't my thing. Have Tracy Chapman sing me a song though and it's all over!
Channing Tatem! So many people find him so attractive, but I kind of think he's gross. And a bad actor.
Also, I remember once in college a bunch of us girls were swooning about how gorgeous Julia Roberts is. All the girls in the room thought she was the epitome of beauty. Then the boys chimed in that they all thought she was sort of weird looking. It seems girls and boys often have a different idea about what beauty is, so it's a miracle we ever impress anyone when, in theory, we're usually dressing to impress our own sex...just not on purpose.
Well, I'm attracted to tall broad-shouldered slightly hairy men (but not too tall, broad-shouldered or hairy) with tattoos, piercings, and glasses. Oh, and they have to have at least a little bit of a belly. But not too much of a belly. I'm picky, but in a weird way.
Hmm... I don't typically go for the tattooed rapper style that many women swoon over. Just not my thing. I'm more of a John Stamos (post mullet, but still Full House years). Maybe a Bret Michaels kind of gal (I never let go of my crush from my pre-school years...haha). Welp, to each his own.
i think who you date is your business! my friends often tell me i confuse them because i do not have a "type". the guys i have dated have varied tall dark and muscled, woodsy, short and heavy, tall and heavy, blonde bombshells, bald guys hairy guys! the list goes on and on. then one day we were sitting around talking and my friend cracked a joke about how i have no type. i said to her if you paid attention you would notice what they all have had in common, they make me laugh. my type, the sexiest thing in the world to me, is a guy who can make me laugh.
There is also that little-mentioned inner beauty that we fail to take into consideration when we "look" at someone and deem them beautiful. The ugly is not skin deep. As soon as you open up your heart, people can tell. A duckling can become a swaw, and vice versa. yada yada....you know what I'm talking about. But seriously...no mention of inner beauty? Isn't that even more important? Especially when you, ya know, wanna talk to someone and all that crap.
I've never thought Channing Tatum was attractive...yeah, he's got a nice body, but not much else. I've always felt like I'm the only woman who doesn't drool over him...ha ha
I agree with everything this post says! It wasn't until a boyfriend didn't give up telling me that I was beautiful and told me often that I started to believe him. While we're not dating anymore, I"m extremely grateful for the confidence in my physical appearance he gave me. Now, when someone gives me a compliment, I usually accept it gratefully. Yes, I still roll my eyes once in a while...but sometimes, you just don't feel pretty! ha :)
Wow, this is the first time I'm reading your blog and I HAD to comment on this post. I have been the girl that has rolled her eyes at compliments--I still am every now and then (but am making a decision to stop that mess as of today haha). Growing up as an Indian girl in the Philippines, it has been really hard for me to appreciate my unique kind of beauty. I was always the girl that had a huge nose and big eyes and gangly limbs. And then I grew up and became the girl with the flat chest, big hips, and sharp features. I have had people tell me that my features make me look like a b#$&h and that is why I turn guys off. I have had people tell me to stop wearing knee high boots because it will increase the chances of my getting a date (apparently knee high boots are too intimidating to men, who knew? lol). I've also had lovely friends and family tell me I am exotic, beautiful, and dress fabulously. You are right. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Something my mom has always told me...beauty is in the imperfection. It's not about being perfect...because no one is perfect. Its about embracing your imperfections and seeing them as what make you unique and beautiful. :)
Really loved this post!! It brings out a serious issue, but discusses it in an extremely humourous way (at least I found it so). And I couldn't agree more that everyone is beautiful to someone, hence the expression, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". And as long as you're beautiful to someone, it doesn't matter what the rest of the population think. You don't need to be beautiful for everyone, because by being "you", you'll be beautiful for someone very special. :)
I love your posts...and yeah I love that you make me think and re-think important topics...a meaningful "public discourse". There is hope!
Dan, my mom was an artist and helped me appreciate the beauty in people more than I think I would have on my own. She loved to paint portraits and would stop people on the street and tell them, "you have such a beautiful face, I would love to paint your portrait." These people were never cover model gorgeous. Most were older with interesting lines and wonderful bone structures and many of them were happy to sit for my mother. Yes, I can appreciate a drop-dead face and hot hunky body, but I can also see the beauty hidden in faces and thank my mom everyday for that insight.
Dan, my mom was an artist and helped me appreciate the beauty in people more than I think I would have on my own. She loved to paint portraits and would stop people on the street and tell them, "you have such a beautiful face, I would love to paint your portrait." These people were never cover model gorgeous. Most were older with interesting lines and wonderful bone structures and many of them were happy to sit for my mother. Yes, I can appreciate a drop-dead face and hot hunky body, but I can also see the beauty hidden in faces and thank my mom everyday for that insight.
Indeed, they do.
Indeed, they do.
Brynn, that's really weird. It must have loaded the RSS feed for you or something. Sometimes browsers have a mind of their own!
Brynn, that's really weird. It must have loaded the RSS feed for you or something. Sometimes browsers have a mind of their own!
"Who is a celebrity that “everybody” thinks is hot, but you never thought so?"
Brad Pitt- not good looking...parts of him in some movies look good but as a whole package, no, not my type.
I think what you wrote is truth but trouble is we are forced to look at famous faces daily and told "these people are beautiful" what they
do,say and have is the best and most beautiful, so the easily swayed take it as that's how it is and perpetuate the nonsense, friends make fun
of each others partners, strangers passing by you make a judgement the moment they walk by, mainly based on what society has told them
is beautiful. I am judged on what is the most popular beauty gracing the covers of magazines, movies and talk shows. I don't blame the
entertainment industry, I blame the fools who take it for more than just face value.
I personally like to break the cycle, when someone says "man, she's ugly!" I ask why? someone says "what a slut" about a complete stranger, I ask why?
I'm not perfect, your not perfect but I do know what I like physically and mentally but I don't think everyone else is ugly, I usually find something
astonishingly beautiful, unless of course for example kick puppies...well then yes, you probably are ugly.
You (Dan) may have needed more sleep but you (as usual) still wrote something to get people thinking!
Great topic, I find beauty to be both inner and outer. The inner enhances the outer. The outer beauty only goes so far.
As I write this, I think of my own looks and it seems to mirror my thoughts. My looks by itself is not something I hang my hat on and don't hang my hat on the words when its said to me..
I would never want to look like angelina jolie tbh, she looks anorexic. :/ I like how Tom Cruise looks, but I usually CAN'T stand male celebrities, they all look like creepy stalkers. :P Also i've noticed really pretty girls are insecure and tend to be selfish.
Sorry, should be "i've noticed MOST pretty girls are insecure and tend to be selfish"
Everyone has a different opinion of what is beautiful or attractive. Even my husband and I disagree on whether or not a woman is pretty sometimes! As someone who does makeup as a hobby, I think every woman is beautiful, and I love using natural looking makeup to just highlight a woman's features and help her see her own beauty. It's one of my delights in life! The world would be so boring if we all looked the same. And it would be a lot less fun to do makeup. :-)
There's no such thing as the "perfect" body, either. We're all different, and I think overall health is way more important than just appearance. Most of us don't have the time, energy, or resources to spend hours in the gym and have perfectly portioned meals delivered to our doors. We're just doing the best we can and we should be a little easier on ourselves when we look in the mirror.
You make me laugh and the perfect example of polar opposites in the emails that you received truly is a perfect example. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
It takes me to the link. And I see the very beginning of the post, and then it tells me to "read more" but every time I click it just cycles back to the same page.
Oooh! It works now! Hooray! Probably just my silly computer.
Brynn, what do you mean? I didn't think blurbs show up anywhere?
I love this post, it made me feel so much better & definitely what I needed today! I've struggled with self-esteem & self-image issues for awhile. Never seemed to see what everyone else saw. This really helped me to see that not everyone is going to see me as gorgeous, even though I wish they did. A celebrity i never thought was hot was Brad Pitt, and for a girl I'd say Angelina Jolie....lol. I'm more in to guys with darker hair, green or blue eyes, I like facial hair( depending on how it looks on the guy), and I actually kinda prefer a little belly over chiseled abs. Which is funny cause this is my boyfriend as of now. In my eyes he is perfect for me.
This is by far one of the best things I've ever read.
Love this, Dan!
Love this, Dan!
This really made me think about how I view myself and it's been something on my mind lately. I've been working on my self-esteem and this gave me a whole new point of view to think about. Thanks Dan. :)
This really made me think about how I view myself and it's been something on my mind lately. I've been working on my self-esteem and this gave me a whole new point of view to think about. Thanks Dan. :)
:-( It won't let me expand the blogs. I can only read the blurbs.
I agree with everything you said, and no you should not consider what your readers think when it comes to who you are dating. BTW I think you are hot..LOL. Beauty is in eye of the beholder, not to say there are not times when you think "REALLY" what does she/he see in them? First and foremost there must be physical atraction before you are able to move on to see if there is any other chemistry and connecting.
It is like the old saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I met my now husband in 2006 when he was 26 and I was 43. He weighed around 175 and I was severely overweight. We started dating and a year to the day we started dating we got married. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary back in December and daily he tells me how beautiful I am. I will never have an hourglass figure and will never be skinny. I have a thyroid condition and I am built straight up and down hence no curves. My mother always told me "You will never get a man until you loose all the weight." She struggles with self esteem issues. I never listened so I met my husband at my heaviest. He says I wasn't his "type" but he was willing to give me a chance because I was confident (I asked him out) and I am slightly on the quirky side witch is really what he goes for. I am now the love of his life and he would be devastated if I were to ever leave him. I occasionally get people that think that I am his mother and it really use to bother me. Now I just see it as they are ignorant and really are not looking like they should. Plus it give me great satisfaction to let them know that I am not his mother. Also when I met him I called him sexy and he questioned it so I told him my definition of sexy. To me all it means is that you want to have sex with that person. He liked that definition. I find it odd that there are people I consider beautiful and they struggle with self esteem issues and I vary rarely do. For most of my life because of my size I have been put down and picked on. I got fed up early on so I decided to not take it. So my hope is that lots of people read this article and feel the same way. I can not remember who said it but I love the quote " Everyone is Beautiful in their own way". Also @ Chris Carter you are the love of my life and I love you just the way you are.
Oh I forgot my celebrity crush is Daniel Radcliff . Give me a smart, geeky looking guy any day. Its no surprise my husband has dark bushy hair and glasses.
first and foremost, no, you should not take your readers into consideration when you are deciding who to date. no question there. THAT would make you a phoney. As for beauty, that is so personal to every individual. had i more time id blather on about how beauty is NOT facial symmetry or a low BMI, but thats probably preaching to the choir to your readership.keep up the good work!
well, you can see in the photo who the celebrity I think is hot... but what this article challenged is my view of myself. I am not allowing myself to be beautiful - in this case I'm fighting my weight - which you can also see in the photo. But I'm struggling with that and yeah, my view of myself and whether I'm allowed to be beautiful was really challenged with this. Thank you.
I think that you are totally sexy! You have your own degree of hotness, for sure. Your build is what I am most attracted to in a man, yet I have always ended up with the men who are almost skinnier than me! Riddle me that. I have never truly felt beautiful naked, but that is what I am striving for. THAT is something everyone can change if they want it bad enough. After 3 kids, I am smaller now that I was in high school, and it has nothing to do with being in awe of celebs or models, but with being comfortable in my own skin. If I were a size 0, I'd be in a casket, but being a size 10 just was not comfortable or beautiful for ME. You are a delicious man beast. Thats all you need to know ;)
Well written! I think you should date whoever you want to. It's not up to anyone else to decide who is right for you. :) The guy who plays Edward Collins in Twilight...I don't find him attractive at all except at certain rare angles, but I have friends who RAVE about how sexy he is.
@Sparrowchild Cullen, lol :)) And for me, I think its the role I find sexy, more than the actor. Now, Jacob... rawr. ;)
@AshleighJansen Oh, Cullen. Right. xD Thanks ^.^ Yup, I'd agree, Jacob is sexy.
I think it's really important to interject this little tidbit as well...What anyone's idea of beauty is, is a fluid thing. What you considered to be beautiful at 5 is not necessarily what you find beautiful at 10, 21, or 40....perspective is the absolute A-1 item here. and as we grown and our world becomes larger, our perspective grows and changes...this is NOT a bad thing, but it is a life thing...if you don't believe me, i dare you to look back at old pictures of yourself and not find some that are beautiful, and some that are "dorky/nerdy/too fat/too thin/ etc. There are times we look back at ourselves and think "what was i THINKING" and time when we look back and think, "wow i looked cool/hot/gorgeous/terrific/etc"... My best example of this...when I was young I found hair on a man's chest or back to be simply DIS-GUS-TING...but when the right person came a long...well let's just say, i am VERY HAPPY with my very fuzzy husband... ;-) To put it simply...the reason beauty is so elusive and hard to nail down, is because it is ever changing in each of our own eyes as well as everyone else's....
@generalslove I look back at old photos and think to myself why did I have such low self esteem. I thought I was fat, but in reality I wasn't...everyone else just told me I was. I was not skinny by any means, but in no way was I fat. I only wish I had the self esteem I have now, then, maybe I would not have gone through so many years of self pity..however, I do not live with regret...it has made me who I am today. You are 100% correct about perspective though...our taste def change as we become exposed to more in life.
I really needed to read this today. I was never "that girl." At least, I never thought I was. in high school, I was tall, thick, used to being made fun of, and not in the least like the cheerleaders I was surrounded by. So, when I caught a hot football player staring at me, and my friends told me the guys weren't asking me out because they were "intimidated" by me, my response was to say, "Why? Are they afraid I can outlift them?" Facepalm. Now, as the mother of a girl, I'm learning how to teach my child positive self-esteem, and that beauty can be found in all people. Your blog post just reassures me that there are people out there that "get it." Thanks. Oh yes, and you're a pretty attractive guy, but I'm taken. ;)
Wow! I needed this today! I know this sounds horrible, but when I was in high school, I had no worries about how I looked. Never even crossed my mind. I told myself I was beautiful and attractive, I got married and pregnant right out of high school. After I started getting bigger, all of the problems in my marriage started coming out. I struggled really hard with my own self worth. I constantly told myself, "He doesn't want me anymore because I've gained weight". I placed the blame of my problems in the wrong place. I know now, that wasn't the problem, but I've struggled with my self worth ever since. I'm getting better at feeling good about myself, and this post just helped me A LOT! Thank you so much!!!!!
Ryan Gosling. Never saw the appeal. He's not UNattractive, but I certainly don't believe he deserves Sexual Object status.
I just started reading your blog & really enjoy it. Im so glad I read this story today I needed it :)
Thanks for another insightful post, Dan. Speaking as someone with a receeding hairline, self-esteem has been an ongoing struggle for years. In the gay community, there's an even larger focus on looks than there is elsewhere, and let me tell you, when someone is so cute that you can't take your eyes off them and when your eyes finally meet, they look at you with a discusted look on their face, that my friend is like a dagger to the heart. Luckily, this an extremely rare occurance, but it's happened more than once. Anywho, it's nice to be reminded that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are TONS of guys out there that have their own receeding hairlines, not to mention all the guys that don't have an issue with it, so while my struggle isn't really over, I can live with that. On a similar note, I've come to realize that there's more to "attractiveness" than looks. Quite often the term is used that way, but I think we all know that someone can be hot as hell and yet have the most unattractive personality ever. In fact, sometimes being so attractive encourages that unattractive behavior (vanity, shallowness, condescention, etc.) Anyway, the point of that is to say that when I'm struggling to feel good about myself, I like to look at myself from the outside in and remind myself of all the positive qualities I have to offer. I would totally date me! So by sharing that, I hope it helps someone else in some small way.
Hello,
I was a little hard on you after I read "Worthless Women". After reading this post I kind of see where you are going with this a little better. Maybe you put "real" in quotes becasue who is to say what's real and what isn't? This particular topic (above) is one that I really enjoy talking to people about. When I pay a compliment, rarely is it empty. If I take the time to pay a compliment, I make sure it is specific and truthful! It really irritates me when someone takes my well thought out compliment and crumples it up and throws it in the wastepaper basket! If it is someone I know well enough I will even take the time to say "Hey now! I really meant that, don't say 'yeah right, whatever' say 'thank you!' becasue I really meant what I said". When I type it out it looks a little forceful to MAKE someone say thank you, but all I'm really trying to get across is- I wouldn't pay a compliment if I didn't mean it. My best friend and I have adopted a saying. "I'm glad you like it." If one of us says "Oh wow, look how gorgeous those shoes are." and the other person hates them- we got tired of just agreeing just to agree. Now we just laugh when we hear each other say "I'm glad you like them!"
The one thing I have noticed (someone may have said it already as I did not read every post) Is that People can look one way (beautiful or unattractive) until you get to know them.That is when a beautiful person can become Ugly and an unattractive person becomes very beautiful..