[sigh] Today is another Single Dad Ranting post.
I am admittedly very upset right now over a heated conversation that just took place, and I don’t know where else to release that steam. I’m sure I’ll step on some toes in the process. I usually do. Frankly, I don’t care this time. Dads need to stop leaving their kids, and I’m tired of men not being the ones to say it. I’m tired of the world tip-toeing around these guys’ feelings. I’m really tired of society acting like such behavior is now “normal” or “expected”. I’m tired of the media making light of it. I’m tired of the emails and comments from endless mothers who’ve been thrown under the bus. More than anything, I’m tired of dads not taking their responsibilities and duties seriously.
As far as I can tell, there are three kinds of dads who willingly “leave” their kids.
The first simply leaves. He packs up, he walks away, and he wants nothing to do with his child or his child’s mother.
This man is not a man at all. He is a coward. He is a lazy and an ignorant little boy who cares nothing for those whom he has been enlisted to provide for and protect. His self-centeredness and narcissism rank him among the most selfish human beings on the planet. He is a quitter, a deserter, and a weakling.
Sadly, he’ll never fully realize what he left behind. His own rationalizations and reasoning blind him to anything but a life of justification and attempts to forget his wrongful deed. He’ll never know of the hundreds of Saturday morning snuggles that could have been his. He’ll never know of the hundreds of colorful drawings his child would have handed him over the years, made with tiny loving hands just for him. He’ll never realize that he left behind so many trips to the park or the zoo. He’ll never know of the camping trips, fishing excursions and soccer games that without doubt would have filled him so much happiness. He’ll never realize that his self-absorption caused him to leave behind every bedtime story, pancake breakfast, bike ride, and tuck-in.
Even more sadly, he’ll never realize that he left behind a tiny person that would have looked at him as his hero. He’ll never know that he left a child who would have trusted him and loved him more than any other person reasonably should. And he’ll also never know that he left a child who would have done anything to be like him. To be like his daddy.
He’ll never understand or take responsibility for the giant hole in his child’s heart that will never be patched. He’ll never understand the anger and tears that his child will experience as he tries to comprehend a father that would vanish, and without sensible explanation. He’ll also never understand just how much harder his child’s life is going to be because of his absence.
No, fathers like this never realize, understand, or comprehend any of it. They can’t. A person can’t miss what they don’t know they never had.
Maybe it’s wrong of me, but I have neither room in my heart, nor in my ability to understand these types of fathers. I have no compassion for them. In my best attempts to fathom their decisions, I have only found anger.
But there is another kind of father who leaves as well. This dad leaves in disguise. He works to make it appear that he’s not leaving at all. He, like that first man, cloaks himself in rationalization and reasoning. He shows up just often enough to pull off his ruse, and he goes to bed each night feeling good about himself as the dad that he thinks himself to be. This second type is the divorced dad who by choice becomes nothing more than a weekend or a summer dad.
I cannot comprehend fathers that do this. I don’t understand how they can be okay with their choices, and I don’t understand how they can be okay offering such trace amounts of time and support to their children.
A dad like this is okay being a dad every other weekend and a couple weeks every summer. He’s okay spending such minimal and limited time with his child. He’s okayletting his child’s mother do the vast majority of the raising, and he is often okay watching another man step into the picture and be the dominant father figure for his own children.
He doesn’t fight to constantly be with and near his child. He doesn’t fight to be a realdad to his child. He doesn’t really fight at all.Though, he probably claims that he does. He probably spends a lot of wasteful hours telling the people in his life that he did and is doing everything he can for his child. He probably has painted a picture so pretty that even he has started to believe it.
Many of these dads hide behind phone calls and text messages to their kids. They believe that a quick check-in every so often is sufficient enough to brand themselves as “there”. They lie to themselves, they lie to others, and they lie to their kids.
Many of these dads can be wrapped under the label of Disneyland Dads. They have their children so infrequently, that when they do, it’s nothing but fun and revelry. These dads really never parent at all. A dad like this convinces himself that as long as his kid is spoiled and happy when she leaves, he’s a good dad. He’s doing his duty. After all, his kid loves him…
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CrazyEnigma
I just wanted to say that these fathers cannot be called fathers, because fathers invest in their children by spending time with them, modeling love to the mother of their child and instilling godly principles. I consider them sperm donors.
My father wasn't able to get to know me, until I was 24. My mom supposedly sheltered us from him, and made him out to be this monster. When I met him for the first time, I couldn't believe he could do such bad things to my mom. He's crippled! Anyways, he showed me that he did pay child support for many years, and after 10 years of not even being able to even see his children, he gave up and started a new life. So now he has started a new family, he doesn't call, etc. I understand that his immediate family is his worry now, and it's just that much more effort to create a relationship that only start 10 years ago.
If he was there, I would think he would be the third father, and I would be a different man. That's what got him there in the first place, and now that he realized his mistake, I think he has been there more for his kids.
Anyways, I look back, and yes, I had a father figure and I respected his advice and he supported us, but he was rarely around. I see my true father figure is God himself. He is the Father to the fatherless. I have learned so much from Him, but it can't replace the longing of an earthly father. One day I'll see Him face to face.
For the children of these families, It's not your fault. If you are blamed, it's never your fault. By the Holy Spirit, you can overcome and forgive these people who have hurt and wronged you. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. Once I forgave, I no longer had a burden and I was free to carve out my own life, as much as I had to climb out of the hole that was dug for me. You can blame for modeling bad family values, but you must not blame them for your own actions.
Now that I am a father, I hope I don't screw it up, and that I model my Heavenly Father in physical form. Thanks for this article, it reminds me of how much more I need to do.
Pookie316
My dad took 3 kids that weren't his including me. My daddy met my mom when she was still pregnant with me and she was planning on giving me up for adoption but he told her that he would raise me and my brothers if she didn't. And she didn't and he did. He is a real father. He's always there for me.
DADLESS and sane
dont be dumb. Wake up . it takes guts to leave when you want to make a go of it but your wife dosent and she cant stand having you around just because you want to move the relationship forward and get rid of the negative tendencies that have grown in the relationship . So the guy leaves for her sake and the sake of the children who have been subjected to the toxicity of their parents relationship ... get the picture?
Stop moaning and ranting and thinking you are a saint ...... you're lucky to have your kids with you
frank1985
Um... that's not what the article was about. It was about men who leave on their own recognisance and want nothing to do with their children, or make a half-assed effort to be in their children's lives. Stop moaning and read the article properly.
MiriamJane
DADLESS and sane maybe had u read the whole thing you would have noticed that what you are addressing he addressed to! just because the parents split up doesn't mean the dad has to not be there! he also addressed moms who were not letting the fathers be in the childrens lives! and im sorry but being a single mom and the sister to a dad who has his kids and a sister to a mom who is to busy partying to be a part of her kids lives i see all the angles. dads should try. if you and mom cant work it out together you need to work it out enough so the kids can still have you both!
marinabreeze
DADLESS and sane I agree with MiriamJane. Dads should try, and divorce really is no excuse.
I was lucky as heck, because I had my dad growing up, and while he's been deceased for the past five years, I am so grateful and blessed to have my dad around and invested in the first 25 years of my life. He and my birth mother divorced when I was about a year old, and he fought hardcore to gain custody of me, which he eventually did (with the help of a good legal team), and that was in the early 1980s when it was almost automatic for the mother to get full custody. It was quite expensive and it drained him financially, but I also know my dad loved me very much and he put me before everything else.
My DH had almost the same experience - he was also raised by his dad and his grandparents. My father-in-law actually quit a job that kept him away from home and took the financial hit so he could have a real relationship with his child and see him grow into a young man. I know my DH is, to this day, incredibly thankful that his dad sacrificed to see him grow up and be a real dad to him.
Neither of my two best friends have had their fathers as a consistent presence in their lives - one falls under #1 and the other under #2. Both are alive, but they still don't have much of a relationship with them. I know it is something that has bothered them both and has affected them in different ways. At the same time, they are both wonderful women, and their fathers really have missed out on a relationship with such genuine, truly good individuals.
Don't use divorce and not being on the best of terms with your ex-wife as an excuse to not maintain a consistent presence in your children's lives. You don't have to be with the mother of your kids to be a good father.
GinaNoelleWhite
My Father was a wife beater. my mom ran from him in late 70's as he was chasing her down w/shot gun. My mom remarried a couple years later i was 6. That man was my dad from that day until the day he died. my real father is a sorry excuse of a human. i have seen him and tried to have a relationship with him and it is too late. He remembers nothing he did to my mom. All he does is put me down, no thanks.
Tsmom
How about when dad makes life so miserable that he forces Mom to take the kid(s) and leave, because he doesn't want to be the one that left ?
HopeHammer
I first read this and was very angry at you for bashing my father. But after reading several of the posts I understand that you were just letting off steam. There are many types of fathers. I just felt hurt when you seemed to be saying that my father was a terrible man. He did not leave his family by choice. My mother divorced him. Her reason: she never felt good about herself therefore never felt that she deserved such a calm, understanding man like my father. What struck me in your writing was saying that fathers should quit their jobs and make time for their kids. Well if my father had quit his job and moved whenever/wherever my mother moved to, he would not have the savings that he has now. He stayed with the same company for 54 years. It closed up shop 1 year before he could acquire the early retirement. So now he has another job. Anyhow, if blue collar fathers quit jobs or moved frequently the job offers are slower to come. Companies may see them as restless and not likely hire them. In the fact that my father kept his job-would drive the 1 or 2 hour drive (whichever town we happened to be in) to take us every other weekend for our visits and then drive that 1-2 hour drive to drop us off. He did not go to every ballgame I had, but he came when he could. I understood. He was never the overly fun parent, he took us to the park but nothing to expensive, money was for education, not to spend willy-nilly. He never told us that, I just came to that conclusion in my adult year. When we visited him it was to talk to him, do farm chores with him, interact with him. All-in-all to be a family. He did not want to buy our love. He wanted to earn it.
My mother never bashed him, I'm fortunate in that, and my father never bashed my mother. You also stated that a true father fights for his children. Well what if your father is a gentle mild-mannered man that doesn't like conflict, quietly reserved and as long as the child is being cared for, he is happy? you see, my father never yells, he never overreacts (sometimes I wish he would), he calmly states his opinion and that's that. He accepts everyone for who they are and doesn't try to change us. Every person is unique, every situation has it's own characteristics, every story unfolds differently.
I just wanted to stand up for my father.
I just stumbled onto this article, it was written almost 2 years ago, and it really made an impact on my day. You see Mr. Pearce I had two kinds of dad. One that abandoned my mother and I and then one that walked away. As I was reading this what really stood out to me was that I accepted this. I accepted the fact that I had a man who pretended to be my dad twice a year. I accepted a two minute call on Christmas and my birthday, that is if I didn't get a voice mail. It was perfectly normal to me and I thought that was how men acted after a divorce and it was perfectly reasonable. It hurt when his response to my invitation to my high school graduation was "maybe" and then a straight out "I have plans" response to my early college graduation invitation. We live in the same state. But again I accepted this without question because I already saw myself as a burden on him and his "real" children from another marriage. It wasn't till I was 21 years old, on my own, and had a crisis in my life come up. I had no where to live, no job, and reached out to him as a Last resort. The response: I'll try to make time to help you look for an apartment. This man is retired and had to "make time" for me. After this I thought: This type of behavior is not acceptable. It took me nearly two decades to realize his actions are not acceptable for a father, or anyone who applies the title to himself. Do I call on Christmas or Fathers Day anymore? No. The phone works both ways. It's sad in the fact that I do see myself as a single parent child. A fatherless child. But you know what...I've accepted that.
Although I do sometimes wish and wonder what it would've been like to have a real dad.
-Krys
Tyshani Faun
Ok, I have read a lot of responses here and I just want to defend the writer of this OPINION blog. Let's begin by defining the word "RANT." A rant is described as "A speech or piece of writing that incites anger or violence." Mr. Pearce never tried to hide the fact that he was about to say things that he needed to get off his chest about a particular type of person. And yes, he teaches to love others no matter what, but I'm sorry, this man is human. I am Buddhist, and I love all people and would never actually do them any harm, even if I had the opportunity to, but I still want to drop kick my son's deadbeat dad right in the face. There. That is the truth of the matter. Do I daydream about calling him out on all his bullshit in front of all the people that for some reason admire him? Yes, I do. Would I ever actually do it? No, I wouldn't. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe, but with what I've gone through, and apparently what Mr. Pearce has seen in his life, we deserve to rant on the specific people who make us so damn angry even though we don't have the heart to tear their world into pieces. From the beginning of this self proclaimed "rant," Mr. Pearce speaks about how he honestly feels about one particular type of person (who can be divided into 3 or more subgroups) that have affected his life. If it had been deadbeat moms who left their children that he was around most often, it probably would have been a letter to them instead. But he is personally affected by deadbeat dads, and he has every right to post on his own personal blog about how those types of people affect him and what he wants to say to them or anyone else who fits the criteria. To those saying that he is preaching hate towards one group, I want to say, #1: Um, yeah, he is targeting one group and explains that from the beginning. His VERY FIRST SENTENCE explains that he didn't know where else to let off steam after a personal heated debate. So he can either 1) punch the other person in the face, or worse, or 2) write about it in his personal blog. And #2: He is not preaching hate. He is not saying, "If you see a guy like this, kick him in the nuts before he procreates again. Or better yet, just castrate him." He's not saying that. He is saying, "Hey dude not caring for your kid, you're hurting a lot of people and you might not even realize it. So man up and go call your damn kid if you have an opportunity." Wow, that's so hateful.
I read so many responses that said, "you're leaving a whole group out, the women who do it." Again, read the rant section. He was just in a debate about deadbeat dads, not deadbeat moms (who do exist and he never denies that), so that is why he's talking about that. He mentions at the end that he knows that there are so many variables in the situations and that he is ONLY REFERRING TO THE ONES THAT FIT HIS CRITERIA, NO ONE ELSE. So all of you MEN who are getting their feelings hurt and are feeling the need to post a rant of your own in your own defense, either you are totally missing the point because he's NOT TALKING TO YOU or you are in fact one of those dads and you don't like getting called out on your bullshit. There are so many responses from dads who are spilling their stories and excuses of why they don't get to see their kids. Either you guys have a guilty conscience or you didn't read the whole article before you went balls out crazy. Hey military guy, yeah, I'm talking to you. He didn't say anything against men who were serving their country. Hey other naysayers, he specifically said that if you were unable to see your kid due to legal reasons that it was a different story that the ones he's angry about. Hey people saying, "What if the mom won't let him?" he also addresses that with a plea to mothers to let the men into their children's life and stop trying to make it impossible for them and PUT YOUR PRIDE ASIDE FOR YOUR KIDS.
I just don't get it. I have never, ever heard such a compassionate plea from a man to other men like this. I am seen as the villain to everyone who knows my son's father but has never met me. He doesn't tell them about how I bug him to see his kid. He doesn't tell them about me dropping Jude off and picking him up the majority of the time just so he could see his dad. He doesn't tell them that I make time when he pops into town and calls at the last minute and that he is the one that decides when he wants to see his kid. He doesn't tell them that he forgot his own son's birthday. He tells them that I keep his child from him, that I don't answer my phone, that I'm a bitch that just wants to trash talk him to his son. He has told so many lies, just as Mr. Pearce said, that he has begun to believe them himself and he hates me even more for that even though deep down, he knows his accusations are not true. Oh, did I mention that my son's father has a daughter from a previous marriage that at one point (I haven't had contact with him recently so I don't know if this is still the case) used to get his daughter every other weekend while my son would see him every 6 months or so?
Just remember before you throw stones. In every situation, including mine, there are two sides. I understand when people think that I've kept his son from him when they've never spoken to me. I get a little upset, but in the end, I know they are speaking out of a mixture of loyalty to their friend and ignorance (which in its simplest form, is simply the condition of being uniformed or unaware). A man might say this his ex is a bitch and that he tries hard to see his kid. Try not to bash her unless you see evidence of such. A woman might say her ex is a deadbeat and won't call. Try not to bash him unless you see evidence of such. I speak for my situation, so I know it happens. My friends have seen me talking on the phone with my ex, pleading with him to take his son. They have ridden with me to and from his house to drop off and pick up Jude. They have seen these things; they know. I have not been perfect throughout the 6 years of my son's life, but I have attempted to be fair and just for the sake of my son. I never talk badly about his father to him, but I save all of the hateful emails and text messages, condemning me as a bitch and whore. I have saved the threats on my life and safety (and about how at one time he wanted nothing more than to piss on my freshly dug grave). I have saved the many excuses why he never showed up when he said he would. One day, I may need them for protection because my son may one day be turned against me. But they will stay under wraps until that time comes, if it ever does. In the end, I hope that it won't. I just want peace and consideration, and most of all I want the respect I have earned by being the best mother I can be and for raising the compassionate, smart, funny, and loving son that Jude has been described as by anyone who's met him. Even his paternal grandmother, who made it clear that she didn't like me from the beginning, tells me that she is so proud of what her grandson has become and that she thanks me for raising him the way I have. Sometimes, that's all you need, but there are still days when I need to go on a rant of my own, because that man's blatant disrespect for his own son is always on my mind and at times boils over to form a rant, such as this.
meli34
Tyshani Faun Wow girl well for one i commend you for all you have done. No i dont know you and i am not going to pretend you do. I will say it gets really annoying when someone posts a rant or a writing and people go off all pissed off freaking out about it, all i have to say is damn did that hit a nerve well maybe you should look deep inside and fix your problem. When i read these articules i thought of my ex-husband. I chose to leave him and thru the whole process the only time i kept the three kids from him was about a month and a half after his suicide attempt, that was the kids decision and to protect them. Sadly he would have been a great father but he is to damn selfish and to damn focused on being there friend and buying there love to be a father they need. Our son no longer speaks to his father he is 14 and in almost a year his dad has not once tried to repair there relationship. Our 9 year old daughter limits her time at dads cause in her words she says she is sick of going over there and feeling like she is alone and sick of it being all about him and what he wants to do for himself not what he wants to do with her, she is sick of the guilt trips he puts on her and she is sick of him not wanting to see her on other days then the weekends and sick of him making his job and others a priority over her. I am in no way nor will i ever stand between my kids and there dad unless it is safety issue, he is welcome to take our daughter anytime but he chooses not to. so with that said i am done ranting some men need to pull there heads out of there asses and realize that the kids are the ones getting hurt. Moms need to do the same if they are the ones being like the dads etc. Ok now i am done :)
russellxc711
I followed you then entire time Mr. Pearce. I agree with all the concepts and ideas you feel so strongly about. However, after just having read your essay/blog, "I'm Christian, unless you're gay." I just wanted to caution and advise you. I agree that it is appalling that fathers sometimes abandon their child/ren, however that should not warrant you to generalize and hate the group: Dad deserters. You sounded just as passionate about that other writing, so I just wanted to politely inform you that you seem slightly hypocritical for preaching "love others" and "love everyone no matter what" and then turning around and writing with so much anger and hatred.
P.S. I enjoy the articles, they are convicting and emotional, but also helpful. Keep up the good work.
-Andrew
MiriamJane
russellxc711 the first blog i read of dans was "I'm christian, unless you're gay." and to tell the truth i did not see much contradiction. only truth! he never said he hated deserter dad only the actions he puts forth. the father, if you will, of my son has never been there! not since day one! do i hate him? no not at all! i do however hate everything he is doing to my son by not being there. I pray for him everyday, and i would NEVER deny him the chance to get to know his son if he wanted it. I am not saying i have forgiven him for leaving me pregnant and alone. that's something i still need work on. nor do i condone his actions. i HATE his actions (or lack there of). the act of being a deserter dad i hate with a passion! but he is the "father" of my amazing son. so to hate him would be to hate my baby!
Candoodles
I am the product of one of those "dads" that left, but he was never really there at all. He got my mom pregnant and then started panicking about how HIS life was ruined blah blah blah (mind you, I have an older half-sister by him) and he already has to pay child support *insert tantrum here* while my poor mom was building a HUMAN in her uterus. Fast forward to the birth of me, and my "dad" is pretty much an unpaid babysitter every now and then. For 6-months he played that role (not supporting my mom, definitely not paying for baby-dues) until one day my mom got home from work and walked in on him and his brother doing drugs. With 6-month-old me hanging out in my crib with a few bottles to keep me entertained. Knowing how my mom is, I would have given ANYTHING to see her go into ass-kicking mode in that moment. "Dad" got kicked out. Fast forward again. I'm now 23-years-old and I have met my "dad" a grand-total of ONE times. One. And it was by accident because he was at my work and recognized me. Cherry on top was he acted like it was some kind of reunion and was so happy to see me and blah blah blah (he doesn't even remember my birthday). Then he had the balls to call my mom and tell her what a great job she did. I mean...really? This man never paid my mother a DIME for child support, and she was too proud to fight him in court for it. She did it all on her own and never got married.
And now on to the good part of the story. While I was deprived of a biological father and instead got who I loving refer to as my "sperm-donor", I got something even better. First, I got one hell of a mom who is tough as nails and was able to raise me all on her own. But the blessing I got was my Uncle 'G'. My mom's sister's husband from England, carpenter, soccer player, and all-around wonderful. I may not have had a father by birth but what I was lucky enough to get was something even better, someone who WANTED to be my dad even though he had no obligation to be. There are awesome dads who love their kids, like you said in your post; but then there are the step-dads and adoptive parents and stand-in dads, like my uncle, who take it upon themselves to be a real Dad to someone who isn't genetically tied to them. I have the best dad in the world. From day one he has, without ever having to say a word, counted me as one of his kids (I have two younger cousins) and raised me exactly as if I was his daughter. To this day, he is still the only person whose word is absolute law. He's the person whose face I automatically look to for approval. He will be the one that walks me down the aisle. And when people ask me about my dad I can go on and on about my uncle in all his awesomeness. As far as I'm concerned, I was conceived via immaculate conception and my dad found me when I was born.
To end my epically long comment, here's to all the dads out there that CHOSE to love children who aren't biologically theirs. My hat is off to all of you, gentlemen.
meli34
Candoodles I married my husband who is one of those dads who loves his 3 kids who are not biologically his and I even though i have yet to meet his three kids from two other previous marriages I love them like my own and cant wait to meet them. I know that is going to be awhile cause there moms hate there dad and on purposely keep the kids from him. Sad I know
kaybby
As I'm sure plenty of people have said in comments before mine, this is outright wonderful writing. There is such a truth to leaving fathers that people just don't acknowledge. It's a sad, but true fact. My parents separated when I was 6 years old. My dad stuck around for a while, seeing us on the weekends and being a great dad. Eventually, he married and moved states. My mom, now solely raising his two children couldn't always arrange for us to see him. Him, not working, obviously couldn't pay to have us flown from Alaska to Oregon. I can remember 2 times, my mom scrimped and saved enough to send us to see him (mind you, this isn't easy on a waitress salary.) The first time when I was 12, for a whole SIX weeks during the summer. At the time he was living with my grandmother. In the span of those six weeks, sure we did fun things and it was nice to see some real sunshine, but the most vivid memory I have of that trip is my father being sent to jail. Hadn't seen his kids in five years, and he goes to jail for two weeks? Even at 12, this blew my mind. I think until then, I had believed that my father really cared and wanted to be with us, he just wasn't able. All of that went out the window during that vacation. I remember feeling so disappointed and let down. I'll never forget that feeling.
Since then I've seen him when 1. His brother paid his ticket so he could work here and see us. 2. My mom paid for our ticket to see him and attend our family reunion. and 3. when my mom paid for his ticket here to watch me graduate high school.
While reading this article, I not only came to the realization of what kind of father I have, but also what kind of mother I have. My dad needs to go in a category all his own, but if I had to classify him, I'd say he's part deserting, part Disneyland dad. My mom on the other hand, deserves some kind of parenting award equivalent to a Grammy with an all expenses paid trip somewhere warm. Through all of my anger, sadness, and resentment I've had on this no dad roller coaster, she has been the rock in my, and my brothers lives. She has played the role of two parents, and done a damn good job of it.
Now that I am pregnant with my first, and a father nowhere in sight, I am taking note of all the things my mom did throughout my life to make it just a little easier.
timmyboi05
There's no doubt in my mind that I was led to this post by some universal force or act of God; it was too much of a coincidence to have been simply random. You see, the night before I found this site, I found myself laying in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep because of a single thought: my father. You see, my father and my mother divorced when I was about 7, but that's old news, I'm past that. The reason I was tossing and turning was because I became angry. Three years ago I got a new car and my dad expressed interest i the truck I had. There were other offers of course, but he was my dad and I knew he needed it. When we made it final, he offered me $1000.00. Yea i could have used the money, but more than that I desperately needed his incredible talent as a carpenter and re-modeler. All my life I've been in awe of his ability to restore something old and turn it into something magnificent. So we agreed that I would give him the truck in exchange for his help fixing up my home. It was new, you see, my very first home. It's been three years and he hasn't done one single thing. A few years ago we got into an argument and I told him he owed me for the truck and his response was "just take it back then". Presently I have no idea what he did with the truck, it's gone. He works at a car dealership and he and his wife have two very nice brand new rides. I imagine he sold it for some kind of profit. But it's not just the truck that kept me up that night. It was just a reminder of a LONG line of ugliness and disappointment, and outright neglect he's shown me my entire life. Once we got into an argument about something childish his wife did. He told me that he would kick my ass and that he knew so many cops that he'd get away with it. He also said "goodbye, I'll see you in heaven when you're dead". I quit speaking to him for several years a while back, but after some time had passed I decided to come back into his life and give him another chance. I guess what makes me the most sad and heartbroken is that he's squandered this second chance. The day i found this article the thoughts of my father were overwhelming me all day. I spoke to my sister about it but still had no clue what to do. And I felt guilty for feeling angry with my dad. Then I read this. You described my dad EXACTLY! He's the divorced dad that was always fun and games when we'd see him from time to time. He'd never pay child support so that was rare tho. And now that we're older we get the random text and facebook post. After some thinking I sent my dad this article. I explained that it didn't all apply to him, but that a lot of it was how I've felt deeply for years. That was Saturday, he still hasn't responded. I don't know if he ever will, but I'm so grateful for this article. I'm not ashamed anymore, and now I know that I'm allow to feel this way and more importantly, I'm allowed to tell him. Thanks.
MiriamJane
i became hooked on this blog and have been reading so much. but this one... this one hit home! i probably shouldn't have read it at work... im still crying my eyes out from the begining of this! and type one. deserter dad! the father of my son has seen him once for 45 mins right after he turned one. thats the only time he ever spent time with him. he took off right after i got pregnant. and rarely see any child support. sometimes im glad he's not around because i don't have the drama i see other friends dealing with. i don't have to fight with him about taking my son or not taking him. i don't have any battles i have my son. hes MINE! but i do have to answer the questions by my 8 year old. "why don't i have a dad?" "where is my dad" why isn't my dad here why doesn't he want me whats his name. one time i screamed at my son to shut up because he wouldn't stop asking questions i didn't know the answer to. i know his name, but those other questions i can't answer. to this day i hate myself for that one time. but i was trying so hard not to cry. Im not alone i have support of friends and family and even my employers. but they don't get the questions or the talks about how someone said something to him or called him "a bastard". i love my son more than life itself. and i regularly cry myself to sleep because i failed him. and i continue to fail him because i cant find a man to be a daddy. because i won't settle. i won't settle for anything less than perfect for my son. and i don't mean he has to be perfect, i mean he has to perfectly love US. Dan you give me hope that there are still good men. And i pray every day my son turns out to be one, despite deserter dad. thank you. i have been holding that all in for so long. no one wants to hear it.
sevenpetals26
WOW!! To read this made me think a lot, and I believe that this should go for mothers too!! It is so sad to see what this world has come too. Why most of the people out there can't believe what is going on but do nothing to change anything! People who complain about the way they were raised or what they went through, but the cycle continues!! Why is it so hard for people to just man or woman up!!! Ugh I hate being pregnant I wanna cry thinking of the things I want to say!! It's a shame that parents don't see how they hurt, deprive, or change their children and their children's lives!!! How hard is it to get your lazy asses up and play with your kids, take em to the library, play a game with them, talk with them, teach them!!! I could scream right now!!! Reading your posts makes me try harder to be the best parent and person my children need and deserve!!! I commend you for what you do!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
Destinyfaith
This blog made me cry really hard too. I have so much to write in response to it so I will come back tomorrow and post a comment. But my daughter has a "real dad" as you said. A man who accepted the challenge and never once tried to walk away. An amazing dad in so many ways who sadly has not had nearly as much time with our daughter as he should have most of her life due to circumstances that were beyond my control.
lisab91069
your blog made me cry .. again.. my husband and I seperated after 17 years of marriage, His 5th DUI and a sugar momma on the side (to pay for all the court costs) was the final straw for me. I kept hoping things would change. He is like one of your Dads listed. but he made sure the kids knew that "mom" kicked him out, (evil mom) he had nothing to do with it. ... But he sure was able to move out quickly, we didnt have christmas money for the kids, neighbors bought my kids presents, but he came up with enough money for 1st and last months rent to his new place in one weekend. Now he shows up now and then, when he's lonely or having a rough time. He didnt show up for easter, didn't call or anything and when I finally did talk to him, He blamed me and said that He didnt think we wanted him there. (I called him, the kids called him easter eve, I formally invited him two nights before) so here i am feeling guilty because I dont want to get between the kids and their dad.. but what this easter showed me.is that this man doesnt really care, its all about him, He's to busy feeling sorry for himself. and yea Im angry, but Im also sad, Im heartbroken. He doesnt even see the damage in his wake, he really thinks he's a loving good dad.
mamanurse
You are right. One of the greatest gifts my children have received is that their Dad is a terrific husband and father. He taught my son how to be a good husband and father one day and taught my daughter what to look for in a good man. She is twenty years old, enjoying her college life and hasn't begun dating yet because she doesn't feel the need to look for love in all the wrong places. I am so grateful for a loving husband. My father was gone from day one and Mom dated and married one wrong man after another. It definitely impacted my life in so many wrong ways. Thank you for pushing men to participate in their children's lives!
Xolodnyj
My father wasn't around for me. He had started a completely new family and didn't even tell them that we existed. He left when i was around 3 or 4. I never got to know my other half-brothers (3 of them). For the first 20+ years of my life, it was only 3 of us. My sister tracked him down. One of his kids open and when she told them she was looking for her father, they told her she must be mistaken (she wasn't). Fast forward to another 20 years down the road, where he finally come around to wanted to get to know us. Way way way too late. My other brothers are older (because it was in the last 10 years that I got to talk to them) and it was very comfortable to talk to them. But I have nothing to say to my father.
As far as your category goes. I think you made it way too simple. You come off as if you have all the answers because you believe yourself to be an awesome dad. There are real fathers out there who would give anything to see their kids, but aren't allow to or they try to do the right thing by allowing the other guy in his ex-wife life to take over that role. There are also fathers who felt too ashamed of their past behavior and are afraid. Society, as a whole, like to throw men under the bus for "not stepping up to the place", but I think each and every single case is a complex incident unto itself and you can't be from the outside looking in and make a snap judgement. It is easy to put labels on people and say they are this way because they aren't like you.
The one "Father" you forgot to talk about is the Non-biological father. The guy who actually steps up to the plate and become a father to his non biological kids.
Unspecified
Out of curiosity, what is your take on dads that are truckers, in the military, who have high demand jobs, or are otherwise unable to be "there" physically, but always have their children and wives in their hearts? I'm speaking of married men, here, who have NOT checked out, who are not Disneyland dads, but who simply are not physically available for the daily routines?
navychiefwife82
Unspecified I was about to post about that very same thing... My husband is active duty military and has been for almost 14yrs. We have been married for almost 6yrs and together for almost 7yrs... My husband is often gone due (not right now though because he isn't stationed on a ship )to the military and with me having a stepson that lives 5 hours driving distance one way from us... We pay the $600 in child support (which I am have NO issue with at all btw) My husband drives every other weekend on a Friday to get him and bring him down to where we live and takes him back to his my hubby's ex-gf that very Sunday. We spend roughly about $400-$450 dollars JUST in gas to get him every month(that ONLY accounts for those trips and nothing else) ... So we spend about $1000 or more a month just going towards my stepson (she won't drive him down and comes up with excuse after excuse why she can't)... My hubby calls his son every day to every other day. He will be adopting 2 of my daughters through step-parent adoption. He has bee in their lives since younger one was 3 months old (she is 7yrs old now) and my oldest since she was 2yrs (she is going to be 10yrs old in September) and is the only dad they have ever known. ... He is there in every aspect as much as he can and is able to be... We also have one 5yr old son together that has born through a traumatic birth and was diagnosed with a form of Cerebral Palsy called Spastic Diplegia at 3 months of age. Our 7yr old has a rare genetic condition called Tuberous Sclerosis, Epilepsy and Autism (The TS causes tumors to grow in different parts of the body) As of right now, she has multiple Tumors in her Brain and Kidneys..... There is also a chance she may have to have brain surgery in the near future as well.... My stepson was born a month early and is going through the process of getting an Asthma diagnosis AND then.... throw in my own Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis... It is a handful! My husband also just had to have major surgery on February 15th 2012 because he found out that he had been born with a pretty rare condition called Nutcracker Syndrome (His Renal Vein coming off the Vena Cava going to his Left Kidney was actually being crushed between the Aorta and SMA Arteries which caused the one side of the vein to balloon significantly) He had to have a Renal Vein Transposition ....
raeathomas
This is beautiful. Thank you. My son's father left us while I was still pregnant with him. I've tried every option I could to open the door, and have him be a part of our son's life, and he has made it VERY clear, he has no desire. This breaks my heart, but I am the fortunate one here. I'm married now, to an amazing man who is an amazing dad, to not only our daughter, but our son as well. My son is not longer "mine and his 'biological father's"; he's now mine and my husbands. My husband treats him how he deserves, and that is a HUGE part of why I married him. One day, we will have the money to make it legal. His bio father it the one who really lost out here..
KathyMonkman
I love this essay. As a divorced woman who's had more than my fair share of dating divorced Dads, one of my big pet peeves are these Dads who move on to their "new" or "second" family and throw the first kids under the bus. We all know the type. Even if they are near adults that kind of abandonment can last a lifetime. And sadly second wives will foster this and shame on them! Enjoying your writing Dan.
Babygirl99
@KathyMonkman Sadly, you just put all second wives in this category. I am a second wife who watched my husband deal with a bitter, harassing, control freak. She was mad he moved on, and used her kids as pawns bc she was hurt. She made our lives a living hell, and her children's lives a living hell. We now have sole custody. We fought for them and won which is rare bc I proved her craziness! I now take care of them full time while my husband is away working. He works his butt off to provide a better life for OUR children. Not every second wife is like that. Which makes me wonder... Have you been mean to the second wife, or made your exes life miserable? It is hard to deal with a crazy ex! I could say all first wives are bitter, but I wouldn't bc not all woman are like that. Instead of putting down fathers who have moved on. Maybe ask yourself if there is something you can do to make things easier. After all, it is the kids that suffer during a break up. New transitions that are hard on them. Kids are also very good at eavesdropping. Do they overhear things they shouldn't? Try talking to the second wife. It isn't easy for us either! We came into a broken home, and are trying to establish our place within.
Babygirl99
And lesson to be told... There are women like me who if you hurt your kids, or use them in a vindictive game, or make our lives miserable, will fight for what is right, and go after custody of your children!!! There are many loopholes in the justice system, and if you are one of those women, it isn't hard to prove you an unfit parent. So caution to first wives... Make it about the kids, and not you!! It is them who suffers! And you need to put your children above yourself, even if it hurts, even if you're angry! They need both parents, they need to feel they will still be okay. And getting along with the second wife will show the children that even if you are upset, you will be civil, and have their best interests at heart!!
KathyMonkman
T@Babygirl99 maybe I should have written the word "some" in my post as that's what I meant. Younreadnit as "all" second wives which is not what I meant as I WAS a second wife to a man who had abandoned his only adopted child. As I lost my mother to cancer as a young child I couldn't live with HIS abandonment of her so insisted he tackle his abusive vindictive ex wife. We fought for visitation which he had never fought for as he allowed his ex to move across the country when they divorced. We spent thousands of dollars fighting for holidays and summers which was better than nothing but it was only after being granted these visitations and experiencing him turning all her "parenting" on to me, I realized he truly didn't want to parent or stay connected to this girl. Years after we divorced she sought me out as an adult and came to me for counsel and was literally making a living dancing nude, was drug addicted and many other problems. So yes I do know what it's like to be in that awkward position and in my case the horror of seeing your husband doesn't really deeply care about that child. Often though I see women who just want their own family and the focus, money etc to go to this new family and who will foster disconnection with the prior kids to get that and the men who want that younger model life in all respects who just keep moving forward. Its super sad for those "first kids".
KathyMonkman
@Babygirl99 Take a breath and read my post again. I say nothing about being a first wife in that situation because I am not. I don't even have kids! I've dated many men with kids though and my point being many of them are more interested in moving forward than looking backward ...at their own children. I'm agreeing with the article here as a divorced woman who's dated too many of this type of man. So your confronting me about being that first wife does not only not even apply (I left my ex husband in the most amicable divorce anyone has ever seen- ). But I do have experience and opinions about this kind of man and, at times, the woman he marries next. One of my now former close friends was that kind of second wife and it was painful to watch her help foster disconnect with his kids although they were adults at the time...they still needed their father in their lives.
mariegrant
Thank you for this I wish my girls dad was walking your path. There were times when he did. But he hasn't seen them in over two years now. They are in their teens, we have been divorced many many years. As my girls get older there is a huge hole were their father should be. I am far from perfect. Never once claimed to be.. Just pray for the man who use to be apart of their lives to return and be the man he should. What was between he and I has nothing to do with them.. It does however leave unmeasurable damage..
AliTatt
My best friend is a single mother because the father flaked out. He found out she was pregnant, and did everything to get out of the picture. I feel sorry for both of those girls. but atleast her daughter has her grandfather as a father-figure, and some of her good male friends for support. Whether you're 15 or 40, if you get a girl pregnant, face the consequences. It's sad seeing these single parents struggling to support themselves, much less their child(ren) :(
thank you for writing this amazing article. It's so true for so many people, and even though I'm not in the situation of having a kid, much less one that has no father, I know so many people that ARE in that situation, many of them still teenagers.
Babygirl99
@AliTatt I'll say the same thing I tell my kids. If you are not ready to be a full time parent, don't have sex! It's that simple. As for teenagers having babies. Proper parenting may work to prevent that! I may get a backlash for that but it is true. Also, teaching ur kids about protection and birth control can do it too! As women, we need to have some accountability in this too! We are the one with the choices in birth control, adoption, abortion, etc.
shoepixie
Babygirl99 AliTatt
Well, I definitely don't agree that wanting to have sex should ever *also* sign someone up to be a parent. Procreation is just *one* reason to have sex, and not (in my opinion) the best one. However, their is not excuse for teens and...well, everyone not to be vigilant about contraception and know what they want - and be honest about that with their partners.
Not everyone wants to be or *should* be a parent, and if someone knows they haven't got what it takes, I'd much rather them get out of the way, than damage a child. Yeah, being a single parent is hard, but it's *loads* better than trying to make it work with house with someone that really isn't in the game.
RebeccaWhitley
Thank you So much for writting this. you are right a lot of people put crappy dads as normal, and its horrible for the mother, and for the kid(s) my ex husband is one that just got up and left. and even worse tried to tell me I was the one that caused him leaving. now he hasent called since before christmas... Im just lucky my family is amazing and took me and my daughter in. so instead of a dad whos non existant she has 2 close uncles and papa plus her other 3 uncles, and cousins! Thank you for writing this and I hope more dads have that feeling and are willing to fight to be with their kids.
And i also know those moms that push the dads out of the way, and make it impossible for them to be with their kids, but i dont want to ruin friendships by being redundant.
So plainly Thank You!
Racheal Marie
Thank you.... thats all :)....
sora27
Thanks for writing this. My father was basically all of these types of dads at one point or another. First he wanted nothing to do with my siblings or I, and when he was around us, it was only to verbally harass or physically discipline us. He was abusive towards my mom and she finally managed to gather the courage to ask him to leave. After that he was the weekend dad but even then he was never really there. He told us that he didn't care what we did at his house as long as we were home in time to go back to our mom. I spent a lot of time at friend's houses. One day he stopped picking us up altogether. No calls, no texts, letters, birthday cards or explanation. Just gone. What hurts the most isn't him leaving but the name calling, abuse and debt he left us to deal with. Through all that my mother never said a bad thing about him. She wanted us to have a relationship with him even though all he could do was hurt each one of us. I haven't seen him in over seven years, and in a way am relieved I haven't but nothing can replace that relationship I lost out on.
siorae88
My father had a one-year-old daughter with his wife when he had an affair with my mother. No matter what road he chose to take after that point, he was going to be a dad who left. I didn't meet him until I was five, and it was because I asked - I don't think he ever would have bothered. We've barely had any contact over the years. He checks in every now and then, maybe twice a year. Sometimes we meet for lunch, sometimes it's just a phone call. But it's not enough. It's never been enough.I'm 23 years old now and I'm still struggling with some major issues of self-worth. I don't think anyone realizes how much it hurts the child. All my life I've been wondering what made me so deficient that my own father didn't care about me. Now, of course, I've begun to realize that the shortcomings are his, not mine. But it's still incredibly difficult to *know* that in my heart, no matter how much sense it makes in my head.
ReineVictoriaSolomon
I'm the daughter to the second type of father, and, to this day, not one person calls him out on his bull. Even my mother seemed relieved that he was at least not one of the "first dads" you were referring to, because I know my dad had a similar attitude, and probably wouldn't have looked over his shoulder had he walked away. He had me every other weekend...and he thought he was the best father the world had ever seen. I didn't spend weeks with him during the summer. I didn't want to. When I was at his house, he'd take me to Blockbuster, let me rent a tape, then put me in my room with a VCR while he had friends over or did some work. He thinks he did everything he was supposed to do, and expects blind loyalty from me in exchange for the less than sub par job he did as a father. He feels entitled to respect, admiration, and support because he paid the minimum support required by court and saw me every other weekend. I recently had a falling out with him because it seems like he might have begun realizing just how much he missed and now that I have my own children, he wants to try to be a dad to someone, but I have a husband who is a REAL father. My husband knows our childrens schedules, their favorite foods, and how to soothe their crying without me giving him any notes or pointers. He doesn't need to be asked to spend time with them or begged for monetary support. He comes home, takes off his work clothes and immediately scoops them up, talks to them, cuddles with them and (often) cooks for them. He has a business trip coming up at the end of this month and he is worried sick about leaving us for those 48 hours. I never knew a father shouldn't have to be begged/pestered into being with/supporting their children until our children were born, and my husband was as over the moon as I was.
Jesmcalli
I've read this article, and I've had a cursory glance at the author's facebook page. It appears that he co-parents his son with his ex-wife. So, pretty much the best situation anyone can expect out of a divorce. Where is the "Single Dad" in this? Try doing it, completely alone, with your ex-wife having nothing to do with your children since they were babies ( my oldest just turned 13). Then come blog about being a "Single Dad". I get really annoyed when dads, even ones with custody, throw around the "Single Dad" title when they have an ex-wife that's there, doing their job. Co-parenting should not be lumped in with being a single parent.
kbrockie
JesmcalliJesmicalli- you seem to be way too sensitive to the labels here- He is a single dad= he is not married- he isn't claiming to do it alone, nor has he negated his ex in his sentiments- ease up on the judgements- and appreciate where he is coming from- he is where we need the father's in this country to be
mariegrant
kbrockie good points Kbrokie wish many many (and then maybe just one) was walking his path. A label is just that a label.. The actions are what matter
HomeAloneMaMa
Well I think that was very well said....my son posted this, so of course my heart aches because I know he still longs for that Father Figure he did not have in his dad.
Dwannalaree
In response to "Real Dad's Don't Leave"... I pretty much agree with you. My children had a father who became non existent in their lives a year or so after our divorce even after I tried to make it as easy on him as possible. I was one of those mothers who had always wanted to shake the women who would get her children's back packs ready and have them waiting on the stoop for dad to come pick them up for the weekend but would change her mind if he didn't have the child support, or they brought someone with them or they drove a red car (yes one women hated red anything because of an infidelity between her ex and a red head). Children aren't for rent by the absent parent and they shouldn't have to suffer every other weekend because of our hurts & disappointment. Children shouldn't be kept from any operutnity to bond and dads should not have a fight at every attempt to be a father. Some dads don't want to be dads but some moms just make it impossable.
kbrockie
Thank you for writing this- My ex is the last two kinds of dad's who leave- I keep hoping he will 'get it' and wake up and be there with and for our children- but so far, he is content with the way things are. I do as I always have, parented alone- The hardest part for me, and for the children is the loss of hope- hope that for me, I will have assistance in parenting our children, something I've longed for since I married him, and the hope that my children have for a father who is there, like the other dad's are- I know very well that many father's are not like my ex-and am in a relationship with a man who is the primary caretaker for his son-I am glad my children get to experience his kind of parenting so they have a male role model for parenting other that contradicts their father's choices. I wish that this was discussed more=and that we push our son's and men to really be there for and with our children- they need their fathers .
ejlorge
"Maybe it’s wrong of me, but I have neither room in my heart, nor in my ability to understand these types of fathers. I have no compassion for them. In my best attempts to fathom their decisions, I have only found anger."
___________________
I'm Christian... unless you're a deadbeat dad.
HomeAloneMaMa
ejlorge
Thank you for writing that! I have dealt with many feelings for over 20 yrs...in defense of my children for the most part. I have three very special young adults and still pray that their dad step up emotionally and physically for them.
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For dads and moms!
My dad is my hero. He stayed with my alcoholic mother for over 30 years until she ripped his heart out by divorcing him (thank god for that since he now has another 30 years to do what he wants). If he hadn't been so strong and self-sacrificing all those years, Im sure i wouldn't have been able to cultivate the loving relationship that I now share with my husband. He set such a shining example of how women should be treated and respected, no matter how crazy women can act. Would my husband tolerate the same type of behavior from me that my father tolerated from my mother? Absolutely not. But I absolutely learned how to choose a mate tha would take care of his family no matter what. A great dad really could fix a lot of the problems that we see in today's world and I have nothing but respect for the men who step up to the plate and bat 1000. It's certainly not easy, but doing the right thing rarely is. I've been incredibly blessed to have a dad like him who protected us from a lot of the damage that could have been inflicted by my mothers bad habit. And because he stayed with her, I was able to learn and exemplify my mother's best qualities (manners, politeness, kindness, compassion, empathy, and how to dress and act like a lady in public). Now, my dad and I are two peas in a pod and I'm not able to have a relationship with my mother. Although I miss her terribly, my dad has always more than made up for all the qualities she was lacking. Go Dads! Your kids need you. All of you.
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