[sigh] Today is another Single Dad Ranting post.
I am admittedly very upset right now over a heated conversation that just took place, and I don’t know where else to release that steam. I’m sure I’ll step on some toes in the process. I usually do. Frankly, I don’t care this time. Dads need to stop leaving their kids, and I’m tired of men not being the ones to say it. I’m tired of the world tip-toeing around these guys’ feelings. I’m really tired of society acting like such behavior is now “normal” or “expected”. I’m tired of the media making light of it. I’m tired of the emails and comments from endless mothers who’ve been thrown under the bus. More than anything, I’m tired of dads not taking their responsibilities and duties seriously.
As far as I can tell, there are three kinds of dads who willingly “leave” their kids.
The first simply leaves. He packs up, he walks away, and he wants nothing to do with his child or his child’s mother.
This man is not a man at all. He is a coward. He is a lazy and an ignorant little boy who cares nothing for those whom he has been enlisted to provide for and protect. His self-centeredness and narcissism rank him among the most selfish human beings on the planet. He is a quitter, a deserter, and a weakling.
Sadly, he’ll never fully realize what he left behind. His own rationalizations and reasoning blind him to anything but a life of justification and attempts to forget his wrongful deed. He’ll never know of the hundreds of Saturday morning snuggles that could have been his. He’ll never know of the hundreds of colorful drawings his child would have handed him over the years, made with tiny loving hands just for him. He’ll never realize that he left behind so many trips to the park or the zoo. He’ll never know of the camping trips, fishing excursions and soccer games that without doubt would have filled him so much happiness. He’ll never realize that his self-absorption caused him to leave behind every bedtime story, pancake breakfast, bike ride, and tuck-in.
Even more sadly, he’ll never realize that he left behind a tiny person that would have looked at him as his hero. He’ll never know that he left a child who would have trusted him and loved him more than any other person reasonably should. And he’ll also never know that he left a child who would have done anything to be like him. To be like his daddy.
He’ll never understand or take responsibility for the giant hole in his child’s heart that will never be patched. He’ll never understand the anger and tears that his child will experience as he tries to comprehend a father that would vanish, and without sensible explanation. He’ll also never understand just how much harder his child’s life is going to be because of his absence.
No, fathers like this never realize, understand, or comprehend any of it. They can’t. A person can’t miss what they don’t know they never had.
Maybe it’s wrong of me, but I have neither room in my heart, nor in my ability to understand these types of fathers. I have no compassion for them. In my best attempts to fathom their decisions, I have only found anger.
But there is another kind of father who leaves as well. This dad leaves in disguise. He works to make it appear that he’s not leaving at all. He, like that first man, cloaks himself in rationalization and reasoning. He shows up just often enough to pull off his ruse, and he goes to bed each night feeling good about himself as the dad that he thinks himself to be. This second type is the divorced dad who by choice becomes nothing more than a weekend or a summer dad.
I cannot comprehend fathers that do this. I don’t understand how they can be okay with their choices, and I don’t understand how they can be okay offering such trace amounts of time and support to their children.
A dad like this is okay being a dad every other weekend and a couple weeks every summer. He’s okay spending such minimal and limited time with his child. He’s okayletting his child’s mother do the vast majority of the raising, and he is often okay watching another man step into the picture and be the dominant father figure for his own children.
He doesn’t fight to constantly be with and near his child. He doesn’t fight to be a realdad to his child. He doesn’t really fight at all.Though, he probably claims that he does. He probably spends a lot of wasteful hours telling the people in his life that he did and is doing everything he can for his child. He probably has painted a picture so pretty that even he has started to believe it.
Many of these dads hide behind phone calls and text messages to their kids. They believe that a quick check-in every so often is sufficient enough to brand themselves as “there”. They lie to themselves, they lie to others, and they lie to their kids.
Many of these dads can be wrapped under the label of Disneyland Dads. They have their children so infrequently, that when they do, it’s nothing but fun and revelry. These dads really never parent at all. A dad like this convinces himself that as long as his kid is spoiled and happy when she leaves, he’s a good dad. He’s doing his duty. After all, his kid loves him…
To find me, open your app and click the small star icon. Click in the search box and type in danoah (make sure that the "Users" tab is selected and not the "Hashtags" tab) and then click search. Click on my user name when it pops up, and then click the follow button. Easy as pie.
Oh my god, reading this made me want to cry. Thank you, THANK YOU for being the one man I've heard admit to this. My son's father took off on my pregnancy at 8 weeks. He NEVER came back, he did like you said texts, calls, the whole hidden bit. He left town, he stayed with other women and in the process had these women terrorize me and tell me they were sorry I was ever the mother of my baby boy. My son is now a year old, he's amazing he's everything to me and because I'm not throwing a temper tantrum or being obnoxious, his dad has popped up out of nowhere saying he loves his son and he's telling his friends how great a dad he is...But he's been gone. He calls to "hang out" and I just listen to him really. But out of the year and 9 months that he abandon us, he has seen his son twice. By his choice. I've become bitter towards men, and bitter towards many people who claim to be "trying" to be there for their child after a break up. It makes me so upset to see men like this get cradled by society because they're "scared" or just can't handle a baby right now. WHAT ABOUT THE MOTHER? Thank you for posting this...Sorry for the big thing I just- I'm overwhelmed at how much hope you've given me in the possibility there is a male out there who's not an empathy lacking, sympathy lacking, lazy lying moron...
Ouch... Yep... I'm living this right now with my ex... And I don't understand it either. I just don't. How do you walk out on the two people who love you most in the world? And the woman who spent 17 years of her life trying to make you happy? I don't get it.
I just hope some day, my kids will be ok. That's the only thing I need out of all this.
The worst part? He didn't HAVE to fight. The kids WANT to spend time with him. I have gone out of my way to make sure they have every opportunity... he just can't be bothered. And it hurts my heart.
Being a 23 year old whose father slowly went through all of these stages at one point or another, it is amazing to read something like this. I have very few memories of doing things with my father because when I was little work always came first for him. After this came an awkward stage where my father moved out of the house and just somewhere else in our city where we would see him about once a week. Then he moved away and now he shows up around once a year at Christmas where he only spends about 3 days here before leaving again.
Now that I am older, I know my father has been affected by many things throughout his life that have happened to him, and often these reasons have been my mother's reasons for his actions when we talk about it (they are still married on paper) but I think that people seem to forget that as children, we don't view this part of our parents, particularly because we are just that, children. The bad things that have happened to our parents are not supposed to fall on our shoulders. As an adult now, I sometimes try to rationalize my father's past actions because of his life experiences, but in the end my father left me at a pivotal time in my life which has resulted in myself going through terrible things in my life.
Thank you for speaking out against this.
My kid's dad is the second kind. He definately doesnt see that he has it easy because I know how important his being in their life is. Even when I had no income ( long ugly story and thankfully shortlived) and was staying in a shelter with my daughters I scraped up money to get a phone card so he could talk to them. the first cell i got I paid more for because I needed texting and calls to Canada so they could talk to him. The year that he promised my oldest that he would come the last day of school and pick them up from school ( he was supposed to take them back with him for two months in Canada) and he got in an accident on the way down and totaled his car, when I told her that he wouldnt be able to pick her up from school she cried and said he did it on purpose so that he didnt have to see them. I ended up spending money I didnt really have to rent a car ( and i hadnt driven in years because he made sure I did not have a vehicle) and drive the girls up to pick him and his gf ( the girl he was cheating on me with while i was pregnant and who lied and threatened me repeatedly while i was still in Canada) and take all of them to the border so his parents could pick them up after they walked across it. I had sworn to myself I would never have anything to do with her not so much because of her being the other woman but because of the games she played that interfered with his seeing our girls, yet I did it for my daughter because she was sure her father did not want anything to do with her. I havent pushed the child support issue because I knew he was trying to get a job and get himself settled, but as soon as he did, he still didnt pay. which is why im glad i was smart enough to go where I was able to get a decent paying job and where I have made wonderful friends that love the girls as much as I do. Where they see strong and capable dad's who want and love their kids and have opened themselves up to my daughters as well. As of today I am waiting on him to send money to pay for the girls passports ( as I can support the kids but extras are rare) because they expire end of this month and he wants them in June.. sadly though he keeps playing these games and it is a 6-8 week procesisng for the passports so they may not go up there this summer.
and yes.. ive met several single dad's who are wonderful and stepped right up and took care of their kids, some where the mom is the one who took off and is the deadbeat. those of the guys I let my kids see and be around. and you sound like the kind of dad that I would have no problem using as an example of how to be a parent.
What hurts the most are the parents (dads ) (specifically) who want to be involved for the better of the child or children and the other party will do anything in their power to not let the opposing party be involved. I give many praise to the fathers who are part of the child or children's life despite their feelings toward the mother of the child. When a split/divorce happens it doesn't just affect the parents but also our babies. My daughters father has not called nor seen her since her 2nd birthday which was in February of this year. The only time he asks for her is when his mother harasses him about it and that's usually around a holiday. I nicely decline it only because she doesn't know him and I don't think its fair to my daughter to just hand her over to someone she doesnt know even though sadly it's her father who's the stranger to her.
@BrittneyJanelle if he asks again to see her, see if you can set up a supervised visit first. just let him know it is not against him but that she doesnt really know him and you think it would go smoother if she met him and saw him without going with him. it can make a child feel like they are being kidnapped. I dealt with it with my ex.. he lives in Canada and he makes very little effort to see the kids and then wanted to come down and take them back to Canada after not seeing them for close to a year ( his choice). I refused to let them across the border the first time and told him he could spend a weekend at a hotel and see them that way.. and that is what he did. it helped. and yes.. he only came to see them and only gets them because his mom ( who is not allowed around them unsupervised because she assaulted me while i was holding them as babies) pushes for him to get them so she can see them.
Hi, Dad in Distress,
For what it's worth, I feel for you , I guess I'm lucky because I got to mediation early on in the piece, and get to see my son every 2 weeks and dinner on the off week, but this had to be hard fought for because she had decided what was best for him, and it took the family court to get a parenting order . Now after 2 years of being falsely labeled as an abuser she is seeking an extension to the order, and even after not seeing or speaking to her, she's claiming intimidation and aggression to try and have the extension granted, (she gets her mother and new partner to do drop offs and pick ups), I make the point of going alone because it's about my son, not her, or me, and her new partner is very aggressive so I don't want to inflame it by bringing a relative or friend with me which leaves me wide open to allegations, but someone has to take a logical stand.
So probably in the wrong forum, but why can't we (as parents), and the law makers look at the real impact these types of issues have on our kids, or has it come to the ridiculous state where rights are far more important than the responsibilities we have to our children?
@ frustrated dad its tough as i went through what our kids are going through when i was a kid the law hasn't changed in 30 years and although we are all being told that they have been making the changes for co-parenting to work truth is it hasn't even something as simple as mental health can be use to maintain control of a child's life, problem is as most courts see it kids need the mums well don't they don't seem to take that same stance when it comes to fathers and if the mother wants to make things hard then she can do so, which is funny because my ex has had a history of mental illness steaming from childhood and even been admitted to hospital emergency for recreational drug overdose yet didn't have to account for her actions when it came time for court truth is if i had reported to the police the times she had tried to kill herself or the times she had abused me and chased me around the house with knives then i would have my daughter and my stepdaughter would have gone to live with her father and my ex would have to prove that she is fit to be in her children's lives but it didn't go down like that because she begged and pleaded with me not to tell anyone my daughter and i have to lose out on a relationship, up until my daughter was born i was just cruising through life but nothing rips your heart out more then the feeling of love you have the first time you lay eyes on your child and know that you would do anything to make sure she is happy and safe only to have that ripped away from you where i can't make sure anything bad is going to happen to her or that if she is hurt that i can't be there to comfort her and tell her that everything will be alright its times like these that i can never get back. I envy women they get to know what its like to have something that you love so much grow and develop inside them and yes they go through the hard yards giving birth with us blokes feeling helpless but doing everything we can to comfort our partner during the birth but i think when it comes to separation we tend to more often then not get the raw end of the deal and there isn't a hell of a lot of support to help us deal with or give us the guidance as to what to do when all that we love and care for is taken away when its not our choice.
@dad in distress@ frustrated dad ,
I Agree with everything you've written, and I have to go back to court because she's accused me of threatening behavior, even though I have said nothing, nor have I even seen her, and it's up to me to prove I have done nothing, tough but I will do it.Even after this rubbish, I still would not do the same thing to her, as it's about my son not her. And yep, my ex is also a drug affected decision maker.But because of the way the laws are worked out, it's up to me to prove that too?????, yet she just has to "feel" something???Unlike her, I have to suck up the feelings of being threatened and the snide remarks because I'm male?, no idea why this is, but that is just the way it is.
On a positive note, I spent the day today at my sons school behind the Mothers Day stall, and got to see my son and have lunch with him as well.
I have 2 bulging discs and one ruptured disc in my back and can't work I try to do the best for my son by volunteering.
Hope your day has been better :-)
you know what this isnt always the case with fathers as mothers can be just as selfish when it comes to children seeing there fathers, i would love nothing more then to have my daughter full time and tuck her into bed each night and be the first person she see's in the morning but my ex who i had found cheating on me with my 13 month old daughter in the house when i came home from work early, she accused me of stalking and intimidation and had me charged then she moved my daughter away while i had to fight allergations in court after i finished fighting her allergations then i had to fight for over 2 years to get visitation of my daughter each time it would go to court she would agree to something in mediation then when infront of the judge she would have her lawyer bring something else up to make things take longer she lives 8 hours from me and if i want to see my daughter i have to travel 8 hours to spend 2 hours with her and then travel 8 hours home so i tell you this it isn't always the mothers that are hard done by what about all those fathers that go through what i have to just to see there kids how is that fair now not only do i not get to see her but she has 2 half brothers who also dont get to see her and 3 step and to add insult to injury im now suffering from post traumatic stress because of it all
Nothing to say that you haven't already said, in my opinion.
Crazy stuff, as I was reading this, my "co-parent" called to tell me he's moving 7 hours away, for what? He has no family there, the woman he married has no family where they're headed, I have residential custody so the kids will be staying here, he has no job lined up there, will be staying in a house his brother owns in the city they're moving to and just "hoping for a brighter future". He owns a home here, has the career he planned for for years, a new wife, with tons of family and support all around them. And they're leaving. Leaving behind 2 kids who are used to having him around. Seeing daddy every other day. If it weren't for my children, I'd be glad to see him go, he just annoys me. But this is going to break their hearts. And I don't even have an excuse to give them. Daddy is leaving. Why? Because he wants to. (Obviously I'll come up with a better story than that for a 4 and 5 year old, but it's the truth. And it makes me sick.
Thanks for either having me in stitches or tears, and sometimes both, but either way, you've always got something good for me to read, something I can relate to as a single mom who is always looking out for her children. Your post about your son's stepfather holding him in the emergency really moved my heart, and helped me accept my children's now stepmother, and led me to just be grateful that they have someone else to love and support them, and not condemn her so much. You're great Dan!
@VictoriaClare i agree with you about working on not condemning the other woman in your kids life so much. I used to call my ex's gf bimbo. I couldnt even think her name or i got really nauseated. ( long story and she really isnt a good person and that assessment has little to do with her sleeping with a married man who had a pregnant wife). But when my kids got old enough and the oldest asked me what a bimbo was... luckily we live in an area with bimbo bread.... so i was able to pass it off.. but it made me realize that they spend time with her ( becuase he usually works or plays vid games and rarely does anything with them) and it would not do to make her antagonized by having one of them accidentally call her bimbo. so i found ways to just not say her name without having to resort to bimbo. course in my head i still call her that, among other things because she is a crappy mother ( left her child with her grandmother for free babysitting so she could go partying even after the old woman slapped him hard enough at age 3 to knock him across a floor).
My father left me and my mother. Multiple times. The first before I was even born. Then he came back and left again when I was five. Then he came back when I was 12. I am now 32 and he has all but walked out of my life again. He doesn't know his grandchildren and they don't know him. He doesn't know his youngest daughter, who is almost 16, has been engaging in harmful, self-destructive behavior for months. He doesn't care. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because my own father didn't want me. Thank God that I had (and still have) an amazing grandfather in my life. He helped raise me, and he and my grandmother are the reason I have a thriving marriage today. I learned everything about love from them. It still hurts when I think that my father doesn't want to be a part of my life and doesn't care to know my children - because they are pretty darn special. But this blog post really put things into perspective for me. He is the one missing out. They aren't missing anything by not knowing this selfish, self-centered man. Thanks for the reminder.
GREAT article. I definitely had to take the high road, acknowledge that the divorce was all my fault even though it was not, do whatever my ex-wife wanted, just to maintain our coparenting relationship. We don't bash each other (never did), we rely on each other now, and all I had to do to keep my son half time+ was to maintain my composure under unfair things said about me. Small price to pay for the greatest son on Earth. He actually is, I checked.
Fantastic to read, and i can just imagine the heart ache you had to go through to get there, pity there is no proof needed before dads are stopped from seeing their kids, and the court system still has not got it right, but in your case they did !!!, great win for the kids in theses crazy situations :-)
When I left my now-ex-wife, I insisted on equal time with our beautiful son and I also paid over $900 a month voluntarily to her in support and paying her bills. We even still did stuff together with him sometimes, including that first Christmas when we stayed up putting his presents together at her new house.
Then out of the blue 7 months later, my ex made up false abuse claims to try to take my son away. She claimed I was violent to her and to our son. Never was. Never even yelled at or spanked him. She claimed I was a drug user. Court-ordered test proved that false too, as did employee drug screens spanning back even prior to our marriage. I fought her every step of the way. I had to be interviewed by a police detective due to her false claims. My son was interviewed twice by forensic interviewers specializing in abuse cases. I was even on court-ordered supervised visitation for almost 3 months while they investigated her BS. And they did. And I won. Big time.
My support is now at state guidelines, ~$300 a month, and I see my son more than I did before she tried to take him away. I no longer have to ask her permission to travel with him in order to avoid a fight. Now I don't have to do that anymore, and like the judge said at our last hearing: if she claims any more things that turn out to be false, SHE will be the one on supervised visitation until they figure out what's wrong with her. Also, the police and the court investigators apologized to me because until the law changed this past January, they couldn't even charge her.
She's also now dating a guy who'd rather spend time with her and my son than his own 3 kids for most of the year. I don't get what kind of a man could do that. I had mine forcibly taken for only a couple months, and I thought the heartbreak was going to kill me. I cannot imagine voluntarily walking away from my kids for months at a time. Or for good.
@Americanitis sorry you had to go through that. When I was going through court with my ex, children's services was involved ( his mom and dad assaulted me while i was holding the kids). The woman from CPS kept trying to get me to say that my ex had been abusive because she wanted to remove his parental rights ( she felt that because he was still living with his abusive parents and that he had cheated on me and refused to get a job to support me and the kids that was the only way she had to punish him). I refused to go along with it. He had never been abusive and as long as he followed the agreement of not allowing the girls alone with his parents in a private setting, we were ok. She went as far as threatening me that she would take the girls from me and say that I was a bad parent. his response to that was let her, he would take her to court and have her fired and sue the government and have tons of money ( he forgot i had custody so he would get nada). luckily I had some very good people up there to help me ( one who was supposed to be on the CPS workers side as she hired her to assist me in making a budget) who did everything we could to make sure she had no reason to step in. and yeah.. my ex watched his gf's son and ignored our daughters.. so I get what you mean.
This was an amazing article! Thanks for writing and sharing.
This is without doubt the best article I have ever read regarding this issue. I have even asked my ex husband to read it, he comes under number two type of dad,he woke up one day without any prior warning and said he was leaving, since that day he changed as a father, he does the minimum he has to do and has constant problems with our children, he never thinks of there feelings and handles them very badly when it comes to a new girlfriend etc. He has even said to my daughter that she should be over this by now ( he left 3 years ago ) in my mind you can not set a time on heartbreak, the kids lives have changed forever and because he wanted out he forgets that they didnt want out. He texts the kids every now and then but never ever rings them not even xmas day, and so many days lately I have had to collect my daughter early as they have had another row. This is so stressful for me and the kids and is totally unneccessary, if he was just there for them and wanted to be with them properly this would not happen but sadly he gives so little to the relationship yet expects so much in return from them.
I have an absent dad -- a married man who leaves in your article, and a narcissistic mother. You can imagine what growing up was like for me and my brother. We were pushed to our nannies who took care of us and whom they have changed a couple of times. I can't really remember my childhood... Many of the happy moments were with my nannies. And some moments were with my parents, like when my mom and grandma came to see us swim on our very first lesson... I can remember wanting to make my mom proud and feeling very happy that she showed up. But that was probably the only time she showed up. And then there were the routine family dinner on Sundays where the TV would be on as we eat in silence. I guess I can understand my mom's frustration when my dad pushes all his responsibilities onto her and she pushed them mostly to the nannies. He only provided financially. He would pick me up from school after work and bring me home and to piano lessons. But all through the journey he'd never try and make conversations or try to get to know me. Until now, I feel like they are strangers to me... Strangers who live under the same roof. Even roommates talk more than they do.
They never have anything nice to say to me. They criticise, pick on the little things. I remember not long ago, I cooked dinner for my dad. I spent almost half the day cooking him dinner and the only thing he could say to me when he got home was why I messed up the kitchen. He would only know how to pick on how messy I am with my room. I think my whole life, he only praised me once. When he came home, all he ever wants to do is watch tv. My mom will have to do everything for him. And don't get me started on my mom, she is equally as bad. She controls everything, she doesn't listen , the list can just go on. Just google "Narcissistic mothers" and you'll see many descriptions of her. Needless to say, I grew up being quite socially awkward at first but through the years have managed to change from shy, to outgoing... Thanks to my own personal development, some spiritual guidance, and of course friends I surround myself with.
Dads and Moms out there, NEVER UNDERESTIMATE the impact you have on your kids. Because of my parents, I had to see a therapist which costs a lot. I suffer from low self esteem, negativity, body issues, anxiety, fears, etc. It has affected how I view other people, how I view myself (that i can never please anyone, that I am not worthy of anything, that everyone will turn to hate me if I am not 'pleasant'). My relationships with men were mostly flings and if it does get serious, it'd never last than more than a few weeks or a month before we break up and patch, break up and patch. I'm always attracted to emotionally abusive, toxic men because my therapist told me that that is the kind of love I grew up with. Whenever i seek out men, I seek those with familiar traits like my dad or mom. I used to admire my dad and tell my friends that I would want to find someone like him because no matter how unreasonable, crazy my mom was, he never left us. But now I see, I'd rather get a divorced full-time real dad than a dad like mine who doesn't care. I hope this post will bring some light to moms and dads out there. Your kids will always love you... Like how even though after all these shitty years, I still find love for them. I still love my parents, I still care for them. And even though they never apologised for their mistakes, I always forgive and forget. But do not take advantage of your kids because not every kid is as fortunate as me -- who was able to receive love from other environment like my friends, distant relatives etc. Believe me, I have contemplated taking my own life many times and cry myself to sleep so often. There's a deep physical pain I feel whenever my mom says something negative or makes me feel like she doesn't love me. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no. I believe no kids will ever be used to being rejected by the only parents that they know. So please, for parents out there... Love your kids, cherish them, spend time with them and get to know them. For their own mental sake, and for yours.
@EH72 Thank you for this. As a father who has had his 3 year old taken away and hasn't seen him for even a day in a year now, this reminds me that I do matter. I have to believe that I matter to my son. Otherwise I can't even really justify my life to myself anymore as I to was a product of distant and disconnected parent and carry the self destructive echoes of that expereince.
This is why I spend hundreds of dollars and drain my resources to reach him even for a scant few hours in a handful of months on top of sprinkling whatever I can into the interest perpetuated bonfire of child support, knowing that I can't catch up with it and that it will most likely mean my eventual imprisonment. Why I endure the walls that have been created between him and I by his mother. I have to believe that some how in the tinniest drop of time in the desert of a relationship that I now have with him, that I can compress into my presence how much I love him. As long as I matter to him, then I find the strength to keep on going the best that I can now that he is gone. I must stay alive and show up as much as is possible until his mother cannot keep him away from me anymore. I must believe that day will come.
@eugeenobeeno Hang in there, I have been where you are and to some extent still struggle with it all.One thing I do know, in your darkest times the thought of ending it all comes up, but if you take that road , then you won't get to see your little boy flourish, and it sets her free to do whatever she chooses.
Try for a parenting order through the courts if you can, I did and it has helped me keep in touch with my 5y/o son.
Not the perfect scenario but it's worked for my son and his rights.
Well Dan. I have been looking for something to email my ex and hopefully it can tug on his heart and open his eyes to what hes become. And you know?? You couldnt have said it any better. My ex has is the abandon kibd of guy. One to come and go or to just simply not be around. As he gave his rights up to 2 if his girls, the other 2 girls hes content with phone calls and child support and definitely comforted when his oldest daughter tells him,"Its ok daddy. I still love you." Now its me that has the blessing to give him his first son. And yoy know, the whole 2 yrs with him, you wouldnt believe the amount of lies, betrayals, unfaithfulness, wandering eyes, unloyality, and emotional and mental abuse i took from this guy. I gave him a last chance a few mths ago, and told him NO MORE LYING OR ELSE YOUR OUT...Clearly i wasnt joking cuz i took all that i could from him and im focused on the better of my kids future. Now, due note, he tried very hard to be there during my pregnancy with his son, but i have been given a gift from god, i can see before it happens or in my dreams. I knew he was lying so i kicked him out. Now this wasnt the 1st time i did this. For all the physical and and emotional abuse i took from him,i sure did kick him out. So, this time, i did, again. 5-6x. I found my personal relationship with god during this break up. And its been wonderful. He now curses my religion. And i am giving him an opportunity to be a full time dad and husband, but he refuses. He thinks all the joy and fun is handed to him. I am waving my flag, and giving him a full opportunity to be with me as a unit for my son andbdaughter. He refuses and enjoys his single life sort of speak. I just want you to know THIS WAS BREATH TAKING! Solid, good news to explain who he is. My kids need a full time dad. One man, one husband, one father. And if its not him, than someone else will be. I cant let my kids go thru heartache cuz DADDY doesnt have time this weekend, or next weekend....THANKS DAN!!!!!
Every once in a blue moon, I read a post and it is life-changing. Dan- your post did just that for me. As a single mom of a special needs child, and my child's Father being a "Dad subtype #2" (in my opinion), I can't tell you how much YOUR validation means to me- to us. I know my child's Father will always live in a haze of denial, but it's not for me to force him to "see the light." Your post really spoke to me- and it moved me. Thank you because I feel more loved, validated, and appreciated by you and other real Dads like you out there.
Hello everyone, [email protected] helped me out when i thought my life is lost don't know where its going......... It all started when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is lost don't know where its going. But Priest Andrew came into the picture and things turned out to be how i have ever wanted it to be..........I will forever be grateful to him for the rest of my life, Am so happy!!!!!!!!!! Laura
Luckily. There are thousands of succss stories of people who survivd a one parent family and actually beat the odds. Madonna's mom died. Eric Clapton's mom gave him up....did you known that? It's all about the will of the child. And whomever is reponsible for bringing up that child should focus on bringing out their "will to choose" what they will and will not become. Mothers of daughters and sons, like me, who were left with the responsibility of raising these beautiful people--can do it. Their beauity is within them. And it is up to us to help them recognize that NO ONE can or can take away their greatness. You can't change selfish people. All you can do is change your outlook and reaction.
My ex-husband is the second kind of dad. He abandoned his kids in TX while he remained stationed in HI, is now divorcing me and doing everything in power to erase me from their lives. Of course, his parents are completely supporting this. I fight everyday for my kids, I tell them how great their day and their grandparents are and save my bitterns and anger for girlfriends who want to chat. I want my kids father and both sets of grandparents in my children's lives, but they are making it very hard for that to happen.
That is not an easy situation at all. My xboyfriend, was in the same postion. She was always late. She treated him like an enemy, slamming the door, acting like a *.*. She took him to court for everything. But no matter what she accused him of, no matter what she did, he stood in front of the judge, calm and collected and refuted every single accusation. He never said a bad word about her, because he didn't want his son to hear it. He would not 'allow her' the power that he knew he had as his Father, to be taken away by her, and her antics. Think of it this way. She is only as powerful as she believes herself to be. You, as the father, have equal power, equal rights, equal responsibility for your child. She and no one else can take that from you. No matter what she says, does, implies or tries to do to you - it is really a mechanism to "steal your power", and she is only successful when you walk away and give in.
@ValerieP this just saved my life. thank you.
Good day every one.
I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this so i was married to halen sergey at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good no way he did not change so i was in pain every day don't no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on i try to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called SAMURA he is a spirit man he can do it with in three days then i look an said okay i will try my best to contact him four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man call SAMURA i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have samura contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spirit he did it for me so quick so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don't want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family so via email [email protected] or +2347030410643 he will do it for you as he did for me
halen sergey
I so wish it was as easy, and as cut and clear as you say to be a dad. When I have an ex wife who constantly lies to the police and the courts, and even now even gets her incredibly aggressive partner to attend each drop off and pick up.
I now have to go back to court to defend myself yet again from false allegations, and I can see the effect it's having on my little boy.
I am at the stage of asking myself if its better that I "abide by her wishes" , and walk away for my little boys sake.
It is not, and I repeat not an easy way out, probably one of the toughest decisions I'll ever have to make, because I won't be there when he needs me.
@ frustrated dad Do not walk away. it will not be better for your child. You can request from the courts blind drop offs of your child.. where your ex ( and her bf) take your child in one door to the place and they leave him with a worker who stays while you come in another door to pick him up. This keeps parties who have issues ( ie not wanting to see her bf) from contact and it makes it less confrontational for your child. You can also, if they are plaguing you with abuse claims request visits to be supervised. and let the judge know that you want to see your son, that you have not abused him but you do understand his mother's concerns and you are willing to do what you have to to keep seeing him. It will frustrate her because you are being reaasonable and she has no cause to file any complaints... and while you are supervised... so is her dropping him off and picking him up....
When we allow our identity as parents to be held hostage by the irrelevant matter of our gender, we will remain divided and at odds, and our children will remain in harm's way. Move forward! Set aside women's rights, men's rights and unify over PARENT AL RIGHTS. Having done this, the PARENT week finally be able to address CHILDREN'S RIGHTS. As we allow ourselves to be divided, the institutions win and children lose. As we are unified, parents And children win. GO FOR THE PEACE AND MOVE FORWARD!
All you seem to do is judge people. You judged your wife, you judge me, and you are focused on retaliation. You are not here for any other reason other than to get people to feel sorry for you. That is not what this site is for. Learn something today instead of barfing up the same old garbarge you've been doing for years. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.. Absorb the message I gave you. Read it again and again until you understand that you are creating a situation that doesn't need to exist. Drop your weapons, and open your heart to what matters...your children. I am not your enemy. You are doing a great job being your own. Good luck!
My feeling? The article is not sexist, laying the blame at men or women ( women are called to account here too btw). The key issue that dan makes is that men often walk, women might make them, but they walk nonetheless. I have been separated from my husband for 8 months. We both had affairs. I felt life would be better working with not against the man I loved and had children with- for them, for me, for him. If we loved once... ? I love my kids more than I ever hated him and I think that's what the article is saying. Divorce is not an option. You have kids, then work to fix stuff. Parents are human, they have faults but my responsibility is to put the needs of others before me - if fact my needs as a parent are their needs. I have a great career, friends etc etc but I worked out pretty quick my life needed to be with my kids, not weekend on weekend off. For that I would walk on coals, across deserts and so on. Dads go back to your wives, mums go back to your husbands ( abuse either side notwithstanding ). Happiness is a choice. No other relationship will ever make missing out on my kids worth it. If I loved my husband enough to have children, we can work it out ( as stevie wonder says).
Its so funny how some "parents" either sex, can think up a valid reason for abandoning their child and be ok with it, and when they are called to the carpet - they get red in the face, and throw a little tantrum slinging insults at other- people even strangers, just to feel ok with themselves.
Some reasons I've seen on this site:
1) My wife, girlfirend, whatever puts me down in front of my kids. Makes me look bad.
Answer: So what? She doesn't like you. Not everyone's going to like you. People will disparage your character. Get over it. Do you honestly put that much weight into this person's opinions and actions? Perhaps you deserve it or don't deserve it, but my god, it really does not matter if you are not together anymore. You and only you can build yourself up in your child's eyes by being consistent, and loving them anyway.
Remaining question: What does your reaction to your X's opnion of you do to an innocent child?
2) I was raped of my money, and now I'm dirt poor, and I don't know where my money is going.
Answer: All parents MUST pay child support according to the guidelines. Pay it and get over it, get a second job. Do what you have to do. Parents who receive CS from the other parent have to take care of their kids too - paying with their own money and all their time. They provide the roof over their heads, and the emotional care and concern, and even if you don't like how they do it, its not your judgement to make.
Remaining questions: What does your reaction to $$ issues do to an innocent child?
3) My kids hate me and treat me bad, its not worth it. I'm drained.
Answer: Everyone is tired and fed up. Custodial parents work 8 hours a day, come home cook dinner, do laundry, put kids to bed and then plop down only to do it all over. We are all tired.
Answer: Find out why they feel that way. Ask questions. Explain things, face it. Experience it from their point of view. They do not know whom to believe. It is natural to doubt, and take sides. It is a human condition.
Remaining Question: What does your reaction to this do to an innocent child by you walking away?
Parenting is a thankless job. Some do it well and some just want to stay children.
@ValerieP I would give my soul to be a custodial parent, I am a great dad, I have been to court for my kids 12 times now with the same result, I am classed as an abuser because she said so, no proof has to be put forward here in Qld, Austarlia. A woman's word that something happened is all the courts need to make me guilty of a crime I have never even thought of much less committed.
I do see my kids every second weekend and one day during the week, which took a court order to get her into mediation, and countless more statements regarding breaches of those consent orders to reach a workable agreeable situation.
Put reality back in the legal system, and watch the children prosper
In Family matters sexism is used the same way occupational health and safety is at work or national security is used by the politicians. They are all great masks for the real underlying issues that are just too hard to look at seriously and do something logical and intelligent about to make the situation better.
@ frustrated dad @ValerieP the "sexism" in courts is mostly due to the fact that even today the majority of the primary caregivers are the women. most courts will give residential custody to the primary caregiver. this means that the non custodial parent will have to pay support to cover their part of the costs of raising kids ( and from what i have seen the amount of child support paid is usually not even close to what half the costs of raising the kids is).
Don't u people get it I'm the kid that was left u don't pay ur bills we get screwed over we didn't ask to be here u got someone pregnant then bailed were the kids left behind were the ones that hear it over there's no money were the ones that don't have a father cuz they bailed I don't care about what happens who's at fault it don't matter when ur the one homeless when ur the one who doesn't have a father real men don't bail real moms don't bail stand up for kids not the batle of sexes
This is amazing and has given me faith in men again . Thank you because so many people buy into the number "2"dad that is exhausting for the kids . You broke my heart open
I thank every day that my children's father had an affair and moved out... they have been much better without his pathological lying influence.... they know it and say they will never be like him.. So I know they get it!
This article is sexist. Now, remove "Dad" and replace it with "Parent" and there we have a rather brilliant and necessary message for the Identity and Voice of Parents.
@TonyValerio On my point of bias....ever notice that most guardian ad litems are female?
@TonyValerio and shelter for single parents are for mothers w/ children.....
@TonyValerio Bias which leads to characterization which leads to sexism......in the end most are men who are left out of their childrens' lives. That isnt the point of this article, but my problem is the negative stigma this article harbors and projects.
This article is absolutely sexist and wrong given the unnecessary attention paid to one gender when the crisis we face is born upon both genders equally. The missing voice in this discussion is that of the PARENT. It is vain at best and narcissistic at worst to suggest that we need to castigate men as perpetrators in this discussion. I challenge anyone to remove the gender coefficient from the identity of parent in this article and not see that it is a more powerful and legitimate message to ALL parents. Go ahead. Try it. Children need parents and parents are valuable regardless of gender. To divide us otherwise is again, vain and arrogant.
@TonyValerio 82.2% vs 17.8 % This is the statistics of how many single mothers vs. how many single fathers. You say it is unnecessary attention paid on one gender as opposed to the other? How is it vain or even narcissistic? It is a reality. For you to simplify the problem to gender neutral is naive. We have specific problems in this country related to single mothers. Homelessness and food insecure families because women make less then men in the work place. We have thousands of men in jail who were raised in fatherless homes. Which by the way is also perpetuating the number of single mother households. Catch 22. It is becoming a sinking hole that we can't dig our society out of and the ones that are getting stepped on are the kids.
We have become a society of self involved people who only take care of ourselves. But the more selfish we become the more we hurt ourselves and no one seems to see that.
The only point you make that I somewhat agree with you on is that "Children need parents and parents are valuable regardless of gender" I can only say....If you have seen what I have seen you may not be so quick to say that. But for the majority it rings true.
What I am saying is, in the blog that Dan wrote here....He was just talking to the guys....You know one man talking to another....hoping that he reaches some guy out there that could be doing more for his kid that desperately wants him in his/her life.......it's not a law going before congress, it's not open forum on some FOX news show....it's a blog.... I am sure you can understand that right?
@SillyMe @TonyValerio @SillyMe @TonyValerio wow. Read this on my phone. Your very considered questions and declarations deserve equal consideration on my part. Thinking......
@TonyValerio but most parents who walk are fathers. It's a sad fact, but real dads are the ones who stay regardless of the genetics involved. Mothers do sometimes walk in each of the three ways Dan described, but that alone does not make it sexist.
@modernmom23 @TonyValerio gender is a distraction if not a road block to elevating the inclusive identity of parent. Yes, we need to discuss our actions as parents both as individuals and in our collective impact, but to give gender the power it does is destructive. Men don't leave. Women don't leave, women don't leave, but patent do at times. Let's let go of the sexist language and move forward.
@TonyValerio it isn't sexist. Addressing a group of individuals (ie those dads that DO leave) isn't sexist. Your comment trivialises the fundamental point that those men who do leave their wife and home must step up not step down, stop claiming it has nothing to do with the kids. It has everything to do with the kids. When a man walks out on his wife, he leaves his children behind as well. Of course there may be circumstances necessitating it but that's not what the article is about. I'm sick of hearing about Father's rights and would like to hear a whole lot more about children's right to 1 home, 2 mature, responsible and loving parents. I loved the article Dan!
@Mtbuk making the gender of offenders and victims in child abandonment central to one's argument trivializes the needs of children. Gender is a distraction. Wake up! We can talk about mom's versus dad's because it makes you feel better some how but our children need coparents that respect each other, are cooperative and work toward the best interest of their children. If the identity and voice of parents should ever truly emerge into the public consciousness we will find how truly inconsequential gender is with these concerns. Gender schmender.
@TonyValerio @Mtbuk the majority of the deadbeats are dads. mainly because the courts usually give residential custody to the primary caregiver and that still is mostly the mom. Dads are starting to pick up that mantle more but even in a two parent working home the mom is usually the one who does the care giving. if you actually read the article you will note that he did say it can be moms too.. but he is saying and quite right that men need to stop excusing the dead beat dads, the not there dad's the men who treat kids as objects and inconveniences. Women already are rather harsh on moms who walk away, even if it is the best thing for the kids. Men just shrug and turn on a game to watch dead beat,criminals play sports for obscene amounts of money..
@TonyValerio You do realise there's an article that looks at the flipside of this, right? This one, in fact: http://www.danoah.com/2011/01/mom-pushed-daddy-out-door.html