First I want to say thank you for all of the comments on my post this morning. I also want to discuss some of the more interesting comments that were left afterward.
The vast majority of you agreed with the message. Many of you cheered me on, saying if she’s a dynamo or a bombshell, go get ‘em tiger! Others of you left less than positive remarks, which is okay too.
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| Still no? Come on! |
You see, there are a few things I purposefully did and didn’t do when I wrote that post.
First, I purposefully titled it How dare you be beautiful because I wanted people to question (from the title alone) whether it was wrong for someone to be what many in the world consider beautiful. You may or may not have noticed that I never brought that up again.
Then, I very purposefully didn’t say what attracted me to this woman. I merely mentioned that I had asked her out.
And finally, I never stated that I found her to be beautiful (which I do). I merely mentioned that she was a tall blonde woman, who happened to be slender and well groomed. Last I checked, those particular requirements didn’t sum up all beauty.
What I found interesting, were the replies by people who assumed many different things after reading the post. I don’t want to criticize you, I only want to discuss the things you commented. There were some that criticized me for being attracted to her looks before anything else. Ummmm, where did I say that? Most of these comments also claimed that it was wrong of me to not focus on personality or other intrinsic characteristics first.
There were also those who talked about this woman as if she was the quintessential goddess portrayed on magazine covers everywhere. Again… where did you come up with that assumption? All I said about her was that she was a tall blonde woman, who happened to be slender and well groomed.
This woman is indeed beautiful, at least to me (and to my dad based on his comment). But, I’m personally not attracted to every woman who is tall, blond, slender, and well groomed. I find it funny that so many of you would consider that just because I mentioned those features, I was going after only the most super modelesque women.
Finally, a few of you mentioned that perhaps instead of chasing after looks, I should change my thinking and pursue after somebody who is intelligent and kind.
But come on…
Wouldn’t you agree that we must watch ourselves so as not to be caught up in reverse discrimination? When it is commented that perhaps I should pursue after somebody who is intelligent and kind, isn’t the real message that anyone who is tall and blonde is also stupid and hostile? This is also cemented into the assumption that I asked her out based on her looks alone. Why else would anybody ask out a tall blonde woman?
The purpose of the post was to discuss these very assumptions and whether or not they are fair ones. The entire point of the piece was that beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, and that I really shouldn’t be worried about it because who I find attractive is not who everybody finds attractive anyway.
And while beauty is in the eye of the beholder, heaven knows that what the beholder beholds changes too. There have been many women that I found very attractive at first glance, and it took only moments of their jaws flapping for them to become physically unattractive to me. There have also been many women that I wasn’t physically attracted to at first, but after getting to know them they became very attractive to me.
The truth is, I’ve been on dates with three women since I got divorced. All three looked completely different. I was definitely attracted to all of them. They all had different heights, builds, hair color, and personalities. I was attracted to them all because of the way they physically looked, and because of the friendship we developed before we went out. The woman I wrote about this morning was someone I had become friends with a few weeks prior. Neither one of us was terribly attracted to the other when we first met, but over the course of a few hang-outs with joint friends, an attraction blossomed.
And that’s why I don’t really discuss my dating life here on Single Dad Laughing. I don’t think it’s fair to let these beautiful, kind, intelligent women be scrutinized and judged by thousands of people with a very limited view of the bigger picture. I have been forced to cultivate marginally thick skin, and I’d sure hate for any of the women I date to have to do the same. Why? Because I’m attracted to sensitive and caring women.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, what are other common examples of reverse discrimination? What are other assumptions that are constantly made, but which very easily could be wrong?
Also, be sure to check out Single Dad Laughing’s Mega Giveaway going on right now. Don’t forget that every day you can re-enter, and there are several ways you can earn Bonus Entries each day too.
I would not find a tall, blonde, slender, well-groomed woman attractive. For one thing, she's a woman. BUT I might well find her attractive as a friend. I will talk to anyone, and everyone gets the same chance with me. People who are purposely cruel are right out, as friends or anything else. Also, I hate to admit this, but people who aren't capable of holding up their end of the conversation are right out. That one MIGHT be mean; not everyone has the same level of intellect, and not everyone with intellect can speak well. But such people simply don't attract me. All of this is really to say that you're completely correct here, Dan. You know what they say about assuming things; even if she were drop dead magazine-cover gorgeous, she would not be worthy of derision on the part of those who have never met her and merely assume things about her from your decsciption. .
I think some of the assumptions may have come from the fact that you mentioned looks but did not mention any other characteristics or personality traits. I don't know that your study on assumptions is accurate if you are leading people to a conclusion. I think if you would have mentioned other traits the comments would have been different. Your post focused on physical attractiveness so the response focused on physical attractiveness or pointed out that there are other things to consider. I agree that people make unfair assumptions of others based on very little information, and have preconceptions about people based on physical attributes, but I think your research method may have been a little biased by the content of the post.
My recent post If only I could see my life they way I see the lives of other people
I have been judged very harshly and treated poorly by other women before they even get to know me because they assume I am a snotty blond *****. Should I wear a paper bag over my head? To hide what I naturally look like? I think of myself as ordinary but have been told otherwise. I see beauty in lots of different people and there is no cookie cutter mold that defines beauty. Once I get to know someone they admit to me that they assumed I was not intelligent or friendly. That bites! Please give people a chance no matter what spectrum of the looks department that your mind thinks they fall upon.....
I have been judged very harshly and treated poorly by other women before they even get to know me because they assume I am a snotty blond bitch. Should I wear a paper bag over my head? To hide what I naturally look like? I think of myself as ordinary but have been told otherwise. I see beauty in lots of different people and there is no cookie cutter mold that defines beauty. Once I get to know someone they admit to me that they assumed I was not intelligent or friendly. That bites! Please give people a chance no matter what spectrum of the looks department that your mind thinks they fall upon.....
hku
Firstly, I'm very glad I signed up for the e-mail list, there were 3 or 4 posts I'd missed on Facebook and Twitter!
Secondly, I was waiting for this follow up to the other post, and it was just as great as I expected.
Thank you!
Dan, I didn't get any of those ideas from your previous blog. I honestly read it and didn't pay much attention to it until I read this.
The part that amazes me is that anyone that knows you (at least through your blog) would ever doubt you like that. That people would call you a phony or try to tell you what you already know. How quick people are sometimes to jump on some perceived weakness!
For example, several years ago I suddenly began to have some very strange health issues. For 6 months I wound up in emergency rooms and at doctors offices and every time they said it was something different. I was single and this all started when my daughter was about 6 months old. I got very scared. Meanwhile my family and friends started to say that it was all in my head, I was just looking for attention, I was an unfit mother..... etc. This caused me many problems in my personal life on top of the challenges of being a new mother and having physical symptoms.
Mind you, these people KNEW ME! They had known me much of my life (or in the case of my mother who seemed to be a real ring leader in this folly, all of my life!) and they KNEW WHO I AM! Or at least I thought they did.... I have never had any history of being ill. I have always been a pretty healthy person. Minor illness has never kept me from any of my responsibilities. I tend to ignore it until it goes away... which can be bad because sometimes something really does need treatment and I let it get much worse. I had Pneumonia once for 2 weeks before I gave in and went to the doctor... the doctor wasn't happy with me!
The point is that the things that my loved ones were accusing me of were not even possible for me, they simply aren't in my nature. I have plenty of flaws to choose from.... but not those.
I am a person who is uncomfortable needing help and showing any weakness. I withdraw. I keep it to myself, I try to handle it on my own. If it gets bad enough for someone else to see that I need some help? Well, then it certainly isn't a ruse!
It got so bad that I started to believe them myself! I truly believed that I was going crazy and was scared to death for myself and my daughter and our futures....
I am not saying all this to dump here...
I had one person in my life who believed in me even when no one else (including me) did. My father. He was a most wonderful person and with his help and love I made it through.
It was an allergic reaction to some old fiberglass insulation that I had torn out of my house improperly and caused airborne contamination. To this day I am deathly allergic to fiberglass. I even had to leave my house, my home of 13 years..... and have it decontaminated and sold. I have never gone back. :(
Can you believe that there are still some people who don't believe me?
I am not bitter towards those people. Today that is in the past, I simply stay away from the stuff and if I get into it (only if it is so small that I do not it is there) I quickly begin to suffer the same symptoms, I know what it is now, and I go to my doctor for some Prednisone and Benedryl and it goes right away. Yet, to this day, my own mother still shames me for it and calls my doctors quacks!
What is it in people that can allow us to ignore all we know about someone and look for the worst possible explanation?
You had just poured your heart out to all of us about some things that really tore you apart. You wrote the blog on Perfection, You wrote Worthless women... and Worthless men.... and the same people that commented when you wrote 'How dare you..' ate those first blogs up! How could anyone ever think that someone with the passions you poured out to the world COULD turn around and deny them for a pretty face...
It is almost as if some were saying that a person couldn't be intelligent and warmhearted, fun to be around, charming, witty, or even PLAIN LIKABLE, and be pretty at the same time. How sad.
I do not pretend to agree with every word you write. I do believe them, every one of them, every word you write, I BELIEVE THAT YOU TRULY FEEL THAT WAY AND THAT YOU BELIEVE THEM! So I guess it never occurred to me that this gal could have been anything less than a wonderful person. I say Congratulations! I love reading your blogs. You words and your wisdom and, maybe most of all, your pics and videos of all of us just being us BRING ME SO MUCH JOY! I WISH YOU JOY TOO! I HOPE THIS RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN YOU EVER DREAMED OF! AND IF NOT, I KNOW YOU WILL CONTINUE TO FIND AND SHARE HAPPINESS IN EVERYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE, FROM WHAT I SEE, THAT IS WHO YOU ARE!!!!!
Good luck you two!
Best wishes!
It appears that you are explaining yourself..........................again. You are awesome. Just be awesome. No need to justify said awesomeness.
Awesome post Dan!!
I've been sitting here reading alot of the comments and actually replying to some. I find it interesting the comments with the judging of Homeschoolers and stay at home moms. I was a stay at home mom for 7 yrs. I LOVED it. I had considered homeschooling, but that just didn't end up working out. I got a lot of criticism from family members when I considered homeschooling saying the same judgements of not being socialized. Wow! My biggest thing against that goes side by side with some of your posts, Dan. I was bullied and picked on a lot in elementary school which made this quiet girl quite shy and reserved for quite a while. The "socializing" I myself got in school was negative. I say it changed who I was. I do know that there are definitely some situations I've heard of with kids that are homeschooled AND sheltered And abused. these are of course those that get the most attention in media and in peoples minds. Also the fat lazy stay at home moms is the image that stays in peoples minds too. We are a sad group of people who tend to remember to bad. Some may view me as a fat lazy working single mom, but you know what, I've finally come to realize, Who cares???? I am loved! Loved by my creator and love by my dear boyfriend who loves me and accepts me for who I am!! I pray you can find and hold onto that special someone if that's what you desire. Or Hey, Dan, enjoy the dating!!! No need to tell us readers everything!! :) :)
I like this a lot.
My husband was told in high school by his guidance counselor, at a predominitly (sp?) black school, that he couldn't get a scholarship because he was white, even though he had a 4.0 and was involved in some artistic clubs.
Thank you! Beautiful does not = stupid and bitchy.
Kudos to you, SDL!!! For challenging people to stop and think about the messages they are sending!
I LOVED this post. I was friends with my husband for a year before we started dating. He became more attractive with each day that I knew him. At this point we have been married for 6.5 years and dated for three before that. I don't think I have ever seen anyone as hot as he is. :)
And as for reverse discrimination...I always hesitate to say this because I have never said it without backlash, but here goes. People think that because I'm extrememly petite they have the right to say things that I find down right mean. I personally don't think it's any different than making fun of someone for being overweight. There is NOTHING I can do to get bigger. I was made small, and can't have biological children so will always be the size that I am.
Yeap, just like people who struggle with being overweight, I also don't want my size pointed out to everyone and laughed at, or jokes made about me having an eating disorder. It's hurtful.
Good on you! Very well put. :)
Excellent post :o)
I don't blame you for not wanting to discuss your love life here... people can be cruel, and often are. I believe we should be attracted to our mates both physically and mentally in order to have a solid relationship. I wish you all the best!
More power to ya Dan...if she has all the inner qualities that you hold dear AND she is attractive to you, then go for it :)
oops I need to wait to make my comments til after I have had some sleep...
Wow you are one talented writer with the soul to match...The part about once they started to talk you lost were no longer attracted to them is so TRUE I have gone through that same thing and I am sure everyone has at one point or another...Thanks for such good reads love your blogs
I think that it also points out how our personal experience and expectations color and change the meaning of the words that we read. We infer, add to, and assume as we're reading and may end up getting a totally different picture from what was intended.
I LOVE this! Not just like it. Very well said
"what are other common examples of reverse discrimination? What are other assumptions that are constantly made, but which very easily could be wrong?"
I'm a large woman. People often assume I'm incredibly lazy, unhealthy, and only eat junk food non-stop. None of those things are true. I'm active, rarely am I sitting around not doing anything. I'm extremely healthy, and I only eat out one or two times a month. People are often surprised by my willingness to get up and go, to do, help and create. They are even more surprised by the healthy recipes I post on my blog...the things I cook for my husband and myself. The biggest surprise is that I'm married, to a very smart, very handsome man. But, I know what I look like, and I love me! My genetics make me look the way I do, always have, always will. I am a beautiful, worthwhile being. And many people get uncomfortable when you break the mold, or when you have the confidence to love yourself.
so maybe you should come on here and let everyone know you are dating and unnattractive troll who only leaves the house at night and has like 25 cats. Don't we all sate people we find attractive? I think my husband is HOT--but I can guarantee that there are people who do not share my opinion. Maybe you hsouldn't discuss dating tall blondes-its just to hard on folks out there. I wasn't offended by it and I assume that people date people who they find attractive. I also assume that once you have been around the track a few times attractive is more of an all encompassing thing-including the ability to have useful and entertaining conversation and possibly the ability to cook and pick up after ones self LOL!
I'm a Stay-at-Home Mom, with two kids under three, and three step-teenagers. I have a lot of people assume I am not college educated (I am.), was not successful in my chosen field (I was and am), and that I do nothing but play all day (Because obviously magic elves handle cleaning, cooking, laundry, toting children, any everything ELSE in our lives). It really struck me when I had this exchange with my husband:
Me (while folding laundry): I think I'll get a second job.
Husband (while watching TV and eating chips): When did you get a first job?
Me: Do you REALLY want me to quit my first one?
Husband (realizing that I am folding HIS laundry) : Nevermind. You are right.
Good for you! I hope you have a good time on your date.
all i have to say:
*fistbump*
Exactly Dan. We must watch ourselves. Let's go to do that.
B t w, what did Mega Giveaway just for US people ?
I know exactly what you mean. About not initially being physically attracted to someone then after getting to know them you are. It's amazing how the mind works. I think whom ever you wish to date for whatever your reasons may be are yours and yours alone and kudos to you for working for your happiness and achieving it!
How do you know if a person is intelligent and kind with out getting to know them first? Wouldn't be correct to say that something else would have to attract you first?
I'm pleased to note that in this follow up article you refer to women as women, instead of as girls as you did throughout you previous article. It makes me think you indeed considered my comment on the last one.
well you are lucky she just tried to "warn" your husband. I was recently let go from a job because a girl in my office didn't like me and was best friends with the our manager...after months of her talking me down my manager decided to let me go! The reason the girl didn't like me....I'm 5'4", 125 lbs w/ a 36 DD chest...but they never even gave me a chance to PROVE that I am smart and know what I'm doing, they just treated me like I was stupid and then got rid of me.
oops, this was supposed to be a reply to heidi marquis post! :-D
Kudos to you for not only writing an amazingly thought-provoking post yesterday, but for today's as well. You showed incredible pose in calling out some people on the erroneous judgements in their comments without getting into a tit-for-tat battle with them. I don't know if it is the barrage of media or the fact that we seem to need shortcuts for everything these days, but I do see a unnerving trend towards over categorizing people these days. Blond = dumb, stay at home mom = uneducated, unproductive, working mom = uninvolved parent, overweight = lazy, and so on. We should all take a look in the mirror and realize how multifaceted WE are and then realize that everyone else is just as unique and multifaceted. It can all be summed up nicely in a phrase that our moms taught us, "You can't judge a book by its cover."
RIGHT ON! Date who you are attracted to, no matter what others think of it.
SHAME on those negative, presumptious readers!
People make assumptions about me on a regular basis. Why? Because I'm slightly overwheight and I don't wear makeup. People assume I'm one of those women who don't take care of themselves or who have "let themselves go". Which is a completely false assumption.
I am slightly overwheight because I have health issues that don't allow me to loose wheight easily. And yet I can run a half marathon no sweat. I would say besides the thirty pounds that just won't drop, I'm incredibly fit.
I don't wear makeup because whenever I do, my skin breaks out in rashes and my eyes and nose run like crazy. It's called allergies. And every makeup brand I've tried does the exact same thing. I have incredibly sensitive skin. I'd like to see the people making assumptions about me get through a day of that just so they can look "pretty".
I am a little annoyed at the implied manipulation, Dan. Just say what you have to say and don't try to trick you followers into looking like idiots. Date who you want and keep it to yourself.
It's not just about looks. My husband spent 21 years of his life in the US Navy as a Seabee doing extraordinary things. Now that he retired, he works for a local elementary school as the facilities foreman. It's a great job that pays pretty well, he's home by 3:30 when our kids come home from school, has weekends and holidays off and no one is shooting at him. LOL But, because he "pushes a mop", people think they can dismiss him and talk down to him. He is no more than the "head custodian" to them... and in reality, whats wrong with that? It's an honest living and his efforts along with his staff, allow their children to be educated in a clean, safe building. Nonetheless, many parents choose to treat a man who once dedicated his life to preserving their freedoms as nothing more than the dirt on their shoes all because they assume too much.
I hate to admit that I'm completely guilty of this. I tend to assume the worst of the most physically beautiful people. I understand that it's 100% based on my own insecurities, and that it's completely unfair. I'm working on it...
*high color* Should be Hair color. Stupid proof reading.
"Additioanlly, none of us commenters will ever see the same thing you do in her."
Agreed!! Everyone is different and what one may like, the other may not.
Thrid, Any sterotype you can think of can generally turn out to be wrong on the individual level. Keep in mind there is a reason why these sterotypes exsist. Sterotypes are culture wide assuptions about how people behave based on race, body type, high color, dress, mannerisms, and patterns of speech.
In the example of the woman, sterotypes that come to mind are: rich bitch, gold digger, broken bird, poor mother, etc. Rich bitch should be obvious, as would gold digger. Broken bird implies the looks are used as a defence against an inner pain. Poor mother implies more focus on the looks then on family life. Spinster comes to mind as if she appears successful then she probably is and therefore never devoted any time to husband and family (which also implies that she "SHOULD" which is entirely worng). Everyone of these is probably wrong, and then you might the one that fits it.
It simply comes down to we only know what you tells about your life. Therefore, we will never have the clear picture. Additioanlly, none of us commenters will ever see the same thing you do in her. Therefore, when it comes to your love life do what have been and keep it confidential.
"PS, what are other common examples of reverse discrimination? What are other assumptions that are constantly made, but which very easily could be wrong?"
First, there is no reverse discrinmination. There is just discrimination. A black person whose a racist is still a racist regardless of which direction it goes.
Second, we all make judgement and assuptions about people when we meet them. We all discriminate in who we talk to on a daily basis and even about the subject matter.
For example: the woman was described as tall, blond, slender and well groomed. Therefore, to my mind she was/is probably athletic, well spoken, and can carry on a conversation multiple subjects. The conversation would probably stick to the basics looking for areas of mutal interest. Beyond that I couldn't make any other judgements without talking to her.
2. Discrimination? Reverse? let me tell you about it. I have 4 childeren. One of them happens to have Down Syndrome. I ASSUMED that people would feel sorry for her or pity us. ( and I'd hate that) on the contrary.. I have people walking up to us in the grocery story saying.. " AW look at her!!" ( people I do not know) "kids with down syndrome are SO pleasant" " my cousin has a cousin that has down syndrome" " what's your phone number so we can chat?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Suddenly people that wouldn't give me the time of day want to be friends with us because we have the "token" disabled child. Because they KNOW we need friends. sigh.. I'm not sure I'm explaining this well.. but yes, we too are reversely discriminated. Due. to. assumtions.
I babysat a little boy with down syndrome for a couple of years and I truly love him. He has such a pure heart and is such a happy boy. That being said, every person, child or adult is different. I would never say something like you have described to anyone, no mater the child/persons situation. It's like going up to someone old and saying "you're old, and so is my grandmother whom I love, so I love you too". I've met some downright cranky old people as well as some very pleasant old people. Babysitting the little boy with downs (this was about 16 years ago) has permanently opened a spot in my heart for disabled children, down syndrome or not, but I would never approach someone the way that some have approached you. I'm sure they mean well, but maybe they're just ignorant about what they're actually saying because they don't have real life experience with it? I don't know... maybe that will help.?
1. you know what Dan? I understand exactly the reason you are protecting these women from the mass population and I understand where you are with this entire post. I think one of the main things that amazes me about this whole blog is the fact that you are assumed to be a "demigod" type person that never really gets hurt by our comments. People in general assume you are just that writer guy that makes people think and get all warm and fuzzy with their emotions. Or that guy that is a jerk that gets to write all the time ( and of course you don't really just write.. you have a whole crew of people running this site right? lol wrong.) People ASSUME all the time.
When reading your post I thought that 'beautiful' summed up the woman- but not just her looks. I thought if you considered her beautiful that there must be more to her than just looks alone. Anyone who actually reads your posts should really know better than to assume things about you that are that superficial. You just keep on being you and date whomever the heck you want. YOU are beautiful. (PS- why does the facebook connect link here never work??)
Date who you want. It's a free country. I myself have been attracted to some not so pretty on the outside, but there personalities are what got me hooked. I've also been attracted to some AMAZINGLY good lookers, but then after a week of actually paying attention to what they say. . .not so much of an attraction.