Time for another installment of “Grandmas Say the Darndest Things!”

Back in November I asked my Facebook followers to share the funniest thing they’d ever heard an old person say. These posts are a compilation of those responses. As a word of warning, I’ve tried to keep this post as clean as possible, but there are a lot of things said by “old” people that might be a little “off-color.” Like I said last time, if that will offend you, come back tomorrow! As for me, there aren’t a lot of things I find funnier.

If you missed the first one, you can read it here. It was filled with all sorts of awesomeness.

  • “He could screw up a two car parade.”
  • My grandfather was known to order movie tickets with the phrase “one adult and one adulteress”
  • My grandmother-in-law once told her doctor she is allergic to cocaine. Turns out she meant codeine.
  • My grandma used to put the car on cruise control going 85 on the freeway and say “if you see any cops…just yell fuzz!”
  • My grandma was telling me about how she and her siblings would laugh at her grandmother’s difficulty with the English language. Once it was icy and her grandma said it was very sippy out. Right when she was laughing telling me this, something banged in the house and scared her. She put her hand over her heart and said “Oh, I almost had an artifact!”
  • When my grandma would be saying the holiday prayer around the dinner table, we’d all stare at each other and get the giggles. She would stop mid-prayer and yell, “don’t mess with the Lord!” and continue praying.
  • When helping my great-grandma get dressed, she said (of her chest) “I normally just swirl the girls up like a cinnamon roll, tuck them in and I’m ready to go!”
  • “I’ve got two good stories about that…but I’m gonna tell you three.”
  • “If women can multi-task so well, how come they can’t have sex with a headache?”
  • The other day my grandma told the waitress all about her trip to “Viagra Falls.”
  • My mother who was 88, at the time, was expressing her dislike of the nursing home she lives in. She said with a shudder, “It’s full of old people.”
  • When I was seven months pregnant, an old WWII vet decked out in American flag pants looked down at my belly and asked, “When you gonna launch that destroyer?”
  • “He needs to either get his head out of his ass, or cut a hole in his stomach so he can see.”
  • When my sister was about 10, she told my grandmother that she wanted to be a marine biologist. My grandma told her that “it’s hard for women to get into the military.”
  • Yesterday my dad called me and asked if it was my sister. I said no, then he said that sister’s name. I said no again and he said, “Oh good, that means I called my favorite daughter then.”
  • I used to go to the beauty shop with my grandmother and her sister when I was a kid. Once, after getting her perm, my great aunt declared it was time to go shopping for new “seat covers.” She wanted a new pair of underwear.
  • My ex-father in law used to say to his wife, “come on Rela, I’d rather take you with me than kiss you goodbye!”
  • My Grandmother would say at holiday meals, “If it wasn’t for me, none of you would be here.”
  • When teasing my grandmother about talking to herself she quickly replied, “I have to talk to somebody intelligent every now and then.”
  • Shortly after my daughter was born, she ended up back in the hospital and was very tiny. My grandmother took one look at her with her wires, tubes and scrawny body and said, “If she was a fryin’ chicken, I’d ask for my money back!”
  • The granddaughter of my wife’s great grandma mentioned getting a breast enhancement procedure. Her grandma looked at her and said, “a box of Kleenex is cheaper!”
  • Once one of my patients was playing solitaire in her hospital bed. She pointed to her reflection in the window and said “I don’t like playing cards with her. She cheats.”
  • ‎”Got dandruff and some of it itches.” [Say it out loud]
  • My dad was the oldest of 16 kids. At a family wedding someone asked my grandmother why she stopped at 16. She informed them they got a dish for their TV so Grandad had something else to do!
  • In my youth, I remember when my grandpa turned down a one-way street, going the wrong way. i yelled “Grandpa! This is a one-way street!!!” he yelled back, “I’m only going one way!”
  • My ex father in law had an ear infection and told us that his fallopian tube was clogged.
  • I asked my husband’s grandmother what she thought of my brother in law’s new girlfriend and she said, “well it’s nice to know he’s not hung up on good looks.”
  • My husband’s Grampa was in a nursing home once and he had one of those mechanized grabbers. He called it his “Nurse Getter”. One time I walked into his room to visit him and it was in pieces on his little tray table. I asked, “What happened?” He said, “Caught me a live one.”
  • I was breastfeeding my little one on a park bench outside a supermarket when an old lady said to me, “I dont know why more women don’t breastfeed. By the time you’re my age, they’re down to your knees whether you did or didn’t!”
  • I was walking an patient back to his room. He looked at me when we got to his door and said, “well, be good. And if you can’t be good, name it after me.”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing (and absorbing so that I can say cool stuff when I’m older).
What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say (knowing that I might use it in a future post)?