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A little while back, I asked you on Twitter and Facebook “what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?”

Here are your responses, uncensored and unedited, all just as innocent as the children who said them! More than 900 responses came in. Plenty to last us for at least a “few” yearsposts here on Single Dad Laughing.

  • A kindergartner told me that her grandma was a magician for a living. I asked about it and she said “Yes, she started because of the eyes in the back of her head and has been into magic ever since.” She was wide-eyed and dead serious.
  • “I almost died. Next time, I’ll hold it.”
  • “Mommy, you have big pimples and I have little pimples” my son said as he pointed to his chest.
  • Girl: “My daddy’s an underwriter.” Me: Oh yes? And what does an underwriter do? girl: *shrugs* “He writes on unders?” (underwear)
  • When my 3-year old described the election as “a brown Daddy and a white Grandpa.”
  • When my ten month old gets mad at me, he shakes his fist and screams, “NEIN NEIN NEIN!” We are not German.
  • A little girl I was babysitting said, “Amanda, I don’t love you, but I want you to scratch my back.”
  • When my son was three, I told him that Mommy’s name was Sara and Daddy’s name was Wayne. He nodded & said, “Like waynedeer?” (reindeer)
  • My two-year old demanded his play laptop and said, “I need to check my FaceBook.”
  • “Tinkerbell can’t fly anymore.” Why? “Her butt is too big!!”
  • When we told our daughter that “mommy has a baby in her belly” her eyes got real wide and asked “you ate a baby?!”
  • My boy asked me when he was three, “why does my weenie sometimes get big and sometimes get little?”
  • At a drugstore, my two-year old son held up box of condoms in each hand & loudly proclaimed, “mommy I need these!”
  • “I wish I lived inside someone’s stomach so that when they ate watermelon, I could eat it again.”
  • “Darn pee! You made me miss my favorite show! That’s IT! I’m not drinking anymore!”
  • “But, boys go commando! Why can’t girls go commando?”
  • “Our Father who art in heaven… Harold be thy name…”
  • “I accidentally did it on purpose!”
  • Counting with my son. “10 fingers and 10 toes, two eyes and two ears, one nose one mouth.” He piped in, “and two pieces of butt!”