Hell. We spend so much of our lives trying to avoid it.
For some, hell might be losing somebody. To death, to break-up, to mental illness… does it really matter how the person is lost? They’re absent. They’re gone. They’re no longer there, and it leaves a cannonball-size hole in the middle of your barely beating chest.
To others, hell is financial. It’s staring at a glowing light bulb, knowing that tomorrow the power company will be taking that glow away from you. It’s knowing that your next paycheck won’t be enough to buy food for your children. It’s praying that your car can make it just a few more months before permanently giving out on you. It’s a pile of past-due notices and credit card statements, stained with tears and permanently unopened.
For others, hell is physical sickness, injury, or ailment. It’s the worry and stress of unknown or untreatable disease that constantly haunts you. It’s painful treatments taking the place of the fun and amusing things you used to do. It’s the inability to use parts of your body that you always took for granted. It’s wanting to stay in bed because remaining prostrate is much more alluring than getting up and feeling whatever has attacked or crippled your body.
The personal hell for many is abuse. It’s being dishonest with your mother about the bruises that cover your once pretty face. It’s lying helpless, pinned to the ground as a man rapes you. It’s hating yourself because the person you once loved most in life unleashes a verbal assault of name-calling and filth in your direction.
For some, it’s never finding a person to love at all. It’s watching the minutes, years, and decades of your life tick by and never having a partner, a best friend, or a spouse to stand beside you. It’s being alone at every birthday, holiday, and special day. It’s finally giving up the hope and the search, believing that you are destined to spend eternity alone.
For some, it’s being bullied. For some, it’s being demoted or fired from work. For some, it’s witnessing a great trauma or disaster happen.
For a great many it’s depression. It’s the inability to be happy, even when the heart-pounding want is there. It’s feeling worthless and insignificant. It’s wondering if death might be a sweet replacement for the refuse life frequently dishes out.
For some, it’s being in the minority. It’s being hated, loathed, and feared. It’s being forced from your home, trampled on, and ridiculed. It’s being hated for your beliefs or for your religion. It’s being despised for any reason.
Hell is different for everyone, and everyone must walk through it from time to time. Thank God for that.
Hell for me was infertility. How many times did I stand outside of the bathroom while my wife locked herself in with a pregnancy test? Dozens, at least. How many times did I have to hold my sobbing wife against my chest and let her weep as long as she needed because there was only one damned line on the stick? How many days did I have to take off of work to be poked and prodded by doctors? How many embarrassing moments did I have, trying to do what they required of me, while a nurse waited outside the door? How many needles did I have to plunge into my wife’s derriere in hopes that it would result in two stripes on the next test? How many doctors did I want to drop kick in the face? How many times did our relationship have to survive through the anger, tears, frustration, miscarriages, or failed procedures? Hundreds.
And, how many times have I been overwhelmed with gratitude for the desperation that resulted from it all? Thousands. Maybe tens of thousands…
Most of my trips through hell have been caused by my exwife who had been diagnost as bipolar two seperate times but still refused to believe she was. I was to blame for everything even though she created most of our problems. There was no compromise in our marriage, she did whatever she wanted. She had affairs and other things that I should of left her and this hell because of but, I always took her back thinking if I could get her to admit she was B.P. and take the medicine alot of our problems would fix themselves. She never admited it though so we got divorce in Dec. I got custody of our son, she had supervised visits every other sunday. Not at first but after awhile I was a peace wth myself for leaving her, thinking I had done everything I could to make her come out of the denial about having B.P., her friends who at one time hated me and would reaffirm her denial telling her theres nothing wrong with her and I was the problem had eventually seen the truth for themselves and were my friends now. I was out of the hell. Then, in march she calls me talking about how she was wrong and knew she needed the meds now, she begged me for help, her new boyfriend left her because of all the same reasons I had tried to get her on meds. Thinking I could help and drag her out of hell with me this time and save our family I got back with her. We were trying to get her help, she really did want it and everything wrong in her life made since to her now but we didn't have alol of money and had to rely on MHMRA and the counselor there told her she was just depressed. Two registered pychologist in mental facilitys diagnost her as Bipolar 8 years apart which we told this damn counselor but she said your just depressed and we can't help you right now. A month later her ex calls, the switch in her head flips again and she starts telling me theres nothing wrong with her and that there never was. She cheated with him and goes back and forth between both of use. My hell began again and as I write this I know im standing one step from the exit but have stopped to look back and wonder if theres anyway to go back in and drag her out with me.
For those of you that don't believe in Bipolar Disorder and think people just make it up to blame their partner go read stories from others who are dealing with it here www.husbandofbipolarwife.com there are other websites to for wives and other caregivers to post what they are dealing with so don't think its just a bunch of husbands bad mouthing their wives.
This comment has been deleted
I have a hard time with this post because I'm not sure complete healing is truly possible after you've done something you've regretted. In this, I'm focusing on decisions that you've personally made that were destructive or led to a lot of pain for you and/or people you love--experiences that could have been avoided if you'd done the right thing at the time instead of the wrong one. It seems to me that you could never be as whole after going through a "personal hell" as you would be if you had made the right decision in the first place. I'm not saying you should cling to that regret, but you should remember it as a warning not to make the same mistake twice, otherwise you'll be in danger of doing just that. But with that remembrance will always be that twinge of regret that I don't believe can ever truly be shaken.
Hmm...Hell...I've been through quite a few, and am still recovering from one.
In 6th grade, I had two friends, a boy, we will call Bob, and a girl, we will call Nancy. They were always friendly with each other, and they both secretly confessed to me that they liked each other. So, they started going out, and everything seemed nice and all. Then, about 6 months into their relationship, they got into a heated argument and broke up right after winter break. At the same time, I was informed that my grandfather had died, and was still grieving when they both turned on me and started blaming me for everything. It was a lot to handle, I even thought about suicide for a few months. But I rejected the idea, thinking that to commit suicide was an act of weakness and that large problems had to be faced head-on. 2 years afterwards, Nancy had moved to Mexico, and Bob came up to me and asked for a journal that Nancy and I used to write in and pass back and forth. I gave it to him, and when he finished reading it, he was even angrier at me, even going to the point of asking me why I didn't kill myself 2 years ago. The year before, Nancy had told me that the reason that they broke up was because Bob was cheating on her with her best friend, and that the only reason he asked her out was because he wanted to get closer to her. Now I'm in high school, and I'm really glad I don't see him much anymore. He really was a nasty piece of work.
I've had more hells, but this one basically made me into the emotional wreck that I am today. Even now, I still sometimes cry at the smallest things, and became even more anti-social than before. But I'm trying. By the way, your blog has many insightful points, and your son is adorable. :)
Hell? Wow we all have it, and I believe that which does not kills us........
I have been married to the most wonderful loving husband for 30 years. 5 great loving kids, all with struggles I patiently helped get them through. A lifetime to envy. Then I caught him having an affair, it can happen to any marriage - it means you need to analyze and correct the situation. SO I was going to patiently fix this, redirect, rededicate. And then in therapy I discovered he had been cheating the entire marriage, to date, over 20 affairs. OUCH. My whole life. I am not stupid, he just that good at a secret life. We spent most of our time together......it happened at work.
I always have been a kind and patient person, and I am surrounded by my kids love.
I don't think I can fix it this time.
Thanks for the inspiring web site, I am reaching for anything to give me hope in humanity again.
I largely agree with you and understand what you are saying.
HOWEVER. I am not grateful for all the hells I have been through.
I honestly really and truly feel that at the age of 11 when the pervert up the street decided to turn me into his personal sex slave to torture and use, when he beat me and used every orifice however he wanted, when he called me names, when he cut me and forced me to cut myself, when he finally gave me the choice of either putting his... you know... back in my mouth or putting his gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger, and I chose the gun, only it wasn't really loaded, when he threatened and convinced me not to tell anyone, that it was the only way to keep my brother safe, the little girl down the street safe... I am not grateful for that hell. I do not think it made me a better person. I think I would have been just fine without it. I am just not grateful for it.
Just sayin'. On another note, fr the most part I find your blogs inspiring, and thank you for them.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I, too, survived molestation, though mine was not nearly as demeaning or violent as what you went through and I was younger when it happened (5-6 and it went on for a little over a year). What I can see from your post is that you are a strong person and a person who cares about other people-- why else would you have sacrificed yourself to protect your brother and that other little girl? From your post, I would say that you are still in your hell: the molestation may have stopped, but you are not healed yet. Some hells are too big and too hard to get through on your own-- it's ok for even really strong people to ask for help to find that other side and I am hopeful that you will seek counseling to work through this. That person took your innocence and more-- don't let him claim any more of your life and happiness than is absolutely necessary. Do what you can to work towards wholeness for yourself. If you are still a young person, you might need to tell your parents or someone at school or your church to get started...but do get started. I'll be pulling for you--
so amazing. the last page a smile appeared on my face. insipiring for anyone. so proud of you and youve encouraged me to be proud of myself.. nonetheless more motivated. stay strong people <3 our country needs more people like this
I found your blog today through a weight loss blog I am on, funny how that happened, but nonetheless I am here and I feel like this is exactly where I belong. I have lived a life of many hells but none of them compare to my son being diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease 9yrs ago that eventually left him physically impaired. The most hellish part of this experience besides the physical suffering my son endures is the not knowing. Even when he is in 'remission' which is really just a state of the symptoms being held at bay, you know they are always there and the will return, you just don't know when and to what severity. My son who is am amazing human being in-part because of this journey, chooses to live his life not in the shadow of his illness but rather he drags the illness along with him everywhere he goes, he knows it won't go away so he makes it keep up with him. Some days are certainly better then others I have seen him angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, lonely and suffering but I have also seen him address each new day with the intent to be fully alive and to embrace HIS quality of life, his life can not be compared to anyone else's he can only live HIS best life and he does so with such gusto that you can not help but be inspired. My son believes deeply in the motto that all people die but not all people live. My son may be physically impaired but he is more alive then most people. My hell is also my blessing, I have suffered a great deal at the hands of this illness what it has done to my son, myself, my family but in return I get the pleasure of raising and participating in the life of one of the most amazing and inspirational human beings and for that I am thankful. We all offer up our personal sacrifices everyday, if we allow, in exchange we receive many blessings and gifts that we may be to blinded to see other wise. Thank you for this blog and for allowing us to understand one another a little more deeply and compassionately.
My current hell is wondering how in the world the universe could challenge me so heartlessly. 5 months ago I ended a 9 month long whirlwind relationship with a man whi cheated, lied mercilessly, did drugs and wound up saying the most cruel and evil things I could imagine to me. As if that weren't enough, the suicide threats came. I hired a life coach to help me through this he'll. I acted out, I needed attention, I was living in the moment and being painfully irresponsible with my own heart. I was kissing men while I was drunk and it always caused me pain. I still did it. My life coach told me it's ok to live in the moment and I should't feel guilty. Guilt wasn't my problem...emptiness was. I wanted to be loved, and attraction without love left me feeling like a shell. I trusted my life coach and we got on so well that we became friends. Just a few days ago, he joined the ranks of the men who have kissed me when I was drinking. The fallout has been incredible. After all, I trusted him and he knew better than anyone in the world what I was going through. My hell is that men are attracted to me, but no one loves me. I am alone, and I feel isolated and empty inside. But I keep walking, because blessings are abundant in every other area of my life. I know how fortunate I am. But the heartache of a pathetic love life laden with betrayal of trust is a heavy cross to bear...
I love how you write. I thought this was really inspiring.
Wow. You have such a voice. I hear you. Others have heard you and you have made a difference. It is really important to hear from a man going through the hell of divorce because as a woman who got "downsized" from her marriage you assume it is the men who are the ones seeking greener pastures.
I needed to hear what you had to say. Your son is so lucky. I will indeed share what you wrote. Thanks for sharing your life and allowing us to share your words with others.
Deb
Hell is relative to what is going on in your life, isn't it? There are also long-term and short-term Hells. There are Hells where you have no choice but one path and other Hells where there are so many paths you head is spinning from the multitude of options.
I felt like my childhood was a Hell due to an alcoholic father. He was impossible until he had enough to drink when he got home from work. Then there was a short window of time he was somewhat reasonable, then he got stupid and blindingly drunk at which time we needed to watch out. I remember once getting spanked on my bare bottom and as soon as I pulled my pants up, he made me sit on his lap and hug him, telling him I loved him or I'd get another spanking. I was a smart kid - I learned how to avoid those situations, but it was a long-term Hell until I escaped.
I married a man totally unlike my father. Good move - no Hell there. Our first born ended up with a blood infection which caused a heart valve disease. She was sick for 6 weeks before a multitude of doctors and tests could diagnose her illness. Can you say "HELL"?? We watched our child wither before our eyes! Once they diagnosed the illness, they said they might not be able to save her. Fortunately, after months of treatment, she recovered. As a young adult in college she needed heart surgery to correct the damage to her heart. "HELL" once again.
This Hell was relatively short-term but with only one path: medical intervention. There was no other choice.
Next Hell: finding out our second born was on the Autism spectrum and missed out on getting early intervention as he should have. He was diagnosed after being pushed through school and tutored to get a diploma, and now is pretty much house-bound. I've been running full-throttle on as many paths as possible trying to get him help, but as long as he doesn't want to progress, my hands are tied. It's a private and personal Hell having a child with emotional issues and not knowing what is wrong. He was 18 before we got his diagnosis and we were devastated. There is no magic pill, no treatment, no cure. He is on the Autism spectrum and will be forever. This Hell will never end - the best we can do is change our perspective of the Hell.
A parent wants to see their child succeed in the world, even if it's a menial job they obtain. But when the child refuses to try and falls back on their disability as an excuse, all the parent's efforts are for naught. Sometimes I wonder if the impetus for him to succeed will occur when he buries his father and I and he's finally forced to venture out the door for himself.
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they've made my day a little brighter.
today ima strong woman and i love my self so much that im willing tohelp my self and get a good life as I deserve.frombeing lonely to now have the best friends hu respect me as I am that means alot to me.......I love the way I smile and how I am as a person Inow know that im unik and im not asemed anymore for being hu I am.....I have been thrue the tuff roads in life while im only 24 but heyyy my life has just begun....And for all of u stay strong and remembernothing bad lasts for ever...Maryam
wow simply wow u are amazing I must say god bless u for the things u do.yes u write and have a blog witch is about reall things that people can attach to.I rather read this than reading shallow blogs about nothing special than "Im trying to look good in your eyes and showing my wonderful life" u should be on oprah.I think u are wonderful and u send so good energy and make people hu read think and really react. Im thinking of starting a blog to and kind of do it your way cuzz I have so many things to say.I live in a small town in skandinavia ive been thru hell but now im like soon at the end of that road all I see is joy and a big relif that its soon finished.My hard times and,my broken heart and my sorow is soon far gone.I alwais have faith but sometimes i was near to give up...going down and down was just to much but somthing inside of me said keep on going.
After turning around several times, I was on a road to being a shell of a person - a depressed, ineffective woman, wife, and mother. Because I'm NOT turning around this time to start over, I'm on a quest to run a marathon while passing through hell to make the journey that MUCH more meaningful and lasting. I'm losing weight, getting healthy, and reclaiming my life with absolutely NO dieting and no hard-core punishing exercise. It's HARD! Thanks for your post and your honest writing. It makes the journey less of a battle.
My recent post Exercise class dismissed
Hell is what got me here. Many hells. People say how compassionate I am; how they wish they could be like me. I don't have the heart to tell them that sooner or later they will have the chance...
My recent post I Cleaned Out My Closetand Found My Skeletons
You're really making a difference in people's lives and that is amazing. I have recovered from drug and alcohol addiction and has been sober for 8 1/2 years now. My hell has turned into a blessing and a life I would have never imagined. Thanks for sharing!
No doubt, infertility and having a low income and no affordable options. My hell is seeing the disappointment in my husbands eyes every month after I have failed him again...after I tell him theres no money to try another insemination.
I have walked through many fires including divorce, bankruptcy after said divorce, surgery, and the deaths of my grandmother and mother 4 months apart. Still living the hell of 3 out of 5. None of these have been or will be the end of the world for me. Blessings on the other side include my wonderful husband, a closer relationship with my daughters, and I'm debt free and will remain debt free. Nothing can replace my beloved Grandma or Mom but I know time will will heal the wound and only a scar will remain. I have only to get through it. I don't have to get over it.
You are so right about beauty from ashes.
Thank you. Thanks for talking about this. I have much more to say, but not right now. I appreciate you putting it all out there. To be frank I haven't gotten to any of your "laughing" articles yet, just reading these several powerful messages. I appreciate your willingness to be painfully or joyfully real. In reading the comments here on "Hell", I had a moment and realized what it is that I would really like to be doing, rather than going around and fixing or helping everyone else, or "going back to school" or "finding a man" (though that one's still pretty powerful) which I am so programmed to do. I would rather sculpt. Create beautiful things. Quit trying to impress anyone and everyone. Just be me.
Good therapy, this talking to myself through your blog. :)
Thanks Dan.
Hell for me is knowing that there is no cure for my illness, and that I'll never do some of the things I once loved, or get the degree and subsequent career I so desperately desired... Its wondering if anyone will love me in spite of my illness, and, on a note that you can relate to... wondering how it will effect my fertility. I think that one scares me the most.
Endometriosis, huh? Me too. Why are women so tortured by this disease? We, as a gender, must need some serious healing in our collective consciousness. We need a crap-ton of compassion and unconditional love.
My hell is multilayered and multifaceted. I keep walking, it keeps coming. I hope that some time I will get to the end, but even on this tough road, there are beautiful things and so many reasons to keep going. Thanks for this reminder to be strong :)
Hell, is finding out that your baby has no heart beat. Hell is finding out you need surgery to remove baby. Heaven is knowing before hand that when you wake up from said surgery, you will get to go home and eventually try to have children again. Hell was waking up from a surgery that was supposed to last 30 minutes, to find out that you had been in surgery for 4.5 hours. Hell is finding out that you almost died on the table and had to have a full hysterectomy and 2 blood transfusions, to save your life. Hell is not being able to have any more kids........But alas on the horizon,
Heaven lurks, Heaven is knowing you have a husband and 3 kids at home who you love. Heaven is being alive to be with them and take care of them. Heaven is seeing them grow up. Heaven is often right with you to help you through the hells we face. I have faced many hells and I truly believe there are many more hells I will face. But I know as long as I keep going and believe there is a light, I can find my way out again.
Thanks for this article, having been through several of the said roads, I feel that I can now explain it to people who don't understand. Thank you so much.
Hell for me was discovering my boyfriend had a porn addiction. Hell was being so angry, confused, depressed and anxious that I couldn't sleep, eat, or concentrate in class. Hell was watching myself get farther and farther behind in class because I couldn't get up in the morning. Hell was struggling with codependency and urges to control him and his problem. Hell was agonizing over whether I should stay with him and support him or whether I should let go and move on. Hell was giving up my boyfriend and best friend to start walking forward. Hell is dealing with loneliness and fears of the future and everyone wondering why I broke up with him when we were such a "cute couple," and not being able to tell them because it's not my secret to share. Hell is not being able to trust men and looking at the men around me and wondering if they too are addicted to pornography. Hell is being super-sensitive now to any reference to pornography in a tv show or movie. Hell is being super-sensitive to any comment a guy ever makes about a woman's appearance. Hell is wondering if I'll ever be able to trust a man again. Hell is going through all this while my roommate is engaged and happily planning her wedding. Hell is wondering if I made the right decision to leave him. Thanks for reminding me to keep walking. I'm already a better person for this but I'm not out of the flames yet.
My hell has been too many long deep depressions that meds weren't helping, or not helping enough. Finally in 2006, the meds & dosage clicked, and I have been relatively free of depression since--but also of joy. Fun with bipolar disorder! When I was finally dx'd in 2001, on the same day our seven yr old son was also, it meant hope for relief of the depressions. It also meant a long struggle for my son as his growth changed his medication needs, and we all struggled with his swiftly, sometimes hourly, changing moods and the behavior that resulted.
This spring he finally got what he needed, in spite of the pdoc we've now fired, and matured a lot over the summer. We bonded even more than we had when we were both dx'd, and he knew that I knew what he was feeling when depressed, and was better at helping him deal than others could. Sure, those years while we were each trying to get the right med. balance were damned hard, but we've emerged.
Now if I can repair my marriage, and if my husband would act like he belongs to this family...
I am always willing to help another person with depression or bipolar disorder--been there, ready to hop in to help when I can. I also speak openly about the disorder, to get the facts out to those who've never encountered it.
I dated for 10 years. Various ladies. We would meet, I would share my world, and then they would leave. A never ending cycle. Brought to heaven repeatedly only to be cast downward. All the failed relationships had one thing in common - me. So I was dating someone 8 years younger than I. She couldn't tell me things were over until she was in another's arms and refused me altogether. The fiery path burned hot then. I was done dating. "If you keep doing what you have always done, you will always get what you always got." So I sold my house, took half of the profits and shoved them in investments. The other half bought me a one way ticket to Europe - A promise I made myself when I was 12. I traveled around where the wind blew me. Internet cafes made it easier to stay in contact with those who cared enough to stay in touch.
One person who did so would scout the areas I was going into and give me an occasional heads up on neat things I might be interested in. Eleven years later, she still does. Only now she goes with me.
We have a beautiful daughter and have many adventures to look forward to.
-Not looking back, and sometimes making your own path works too. Just....keep....moving.
My hell is far longer and hotter than I ever expected to have to endure. As I read the beginning of this post, I kept checking off more and more "hells" that I am going through right now. I hardly got any time with my husband before he started slipping into mental illness. But I didn't know that at the time. He's "gone" now, and I've only seen the real him for about 5 days in the past 6 years.
And whether it's related to his mental illness or if it's just another, separate pile of Hell he's piled on top of me, he's verbally abusive. He's not obvious about it, which makes it more confusing. But he's stolen my self-esteem, my confidence, and my trust for him. I feel like he despises me. And so do our kids. That is another hell entirely, seeing what my kids have had to suffer at the hands of their own dad. (By the way, this will all be ending soon. I don't think we'll be stepping over the threshold and into beauty .I think we are just coming to a fork in the road through Hell.)
Before any of that Hell started, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. It robbed me of my energy and made me doubt my abilities to reach my dreams. It won't kill me, but it won't ever go away, either.
And then there's the depression, 'cause come on, who can live my life and not get depressed?
I know that the future holds sunlight and daisies for me in the future. I don't expect my life to ever be easy, but the end of Hell will come. The sun will warm my face again instead of this lava that I'm swimming through right now. And I have actually thanked God for the strength I've obtained through my experiences. I told Him that I'd rather not have learned them quite so fast or as painfully, but thanked him nevertheless. And while I don't know what your religious beliefs are, Dan, but I think that if the greatest man who ever lived suffered all so that he could understand how each of us feels and offer us comfort, then who am I to be ungrateful for the opportunity to learn, first hand, how abused, depressed, and endlessly sick people feel? In a few small ways, I have already been able to hold up the hands that hang down, and they let me because they KNOW that I KNOW what they're going through.
I am a totally different person than I ever thought I would be, and I like me a whole lot better as I am now.
Even so, does anyone have a fire extinguisher I could borrow? The fires of Hell are burning pretty hot right now.
I am so glad I found this blog. I agree with what you said about had you never gone through what you did, you would not have become the person you are, and that my friend, is the victory. To take a bunch of crap in your life, and pull through and make every minute after that better than the one before.
I had my share of hell, and its taken a very long road to even see that there were other roads I could take to get out of it at all, but now that I have come out of it, I feel a sense of empowerment and strength and courage and a desire to face every single problem head on and never back down, not for one single minute, and to teach my children to do the same in their lives, that the fear of the unknown is worse than the hell you went through in the first place, and that nothing, nothing, will compare to the gratitude you have for the goodness in your life after taking that road.
I dont take anything for granted anymore, not even that I have toothpaste in my bathroom or paper towels in the kitchen, because there is always a chance I wont have it in the very next second, and that makes a huge difference in the way I see the world.
Thank you Dan for sharing things like this. I appreciate it very much.
Love this post. Being a single mother I can relate to you and most of your post. Thank you.
My own personal hell was experiencing a miscarriage after 18 months of trying, and then experiencing 2 more within 11 months; Learning that several conditions I was unaware of may make it impossible for me to have carry a biological child myself; watching my husband start to lose himself to bi-polar disorder and not being able to help; and finally watching my husband walk out the door after 9 years together. I'm not quite through my hell yet - but I've seen the bright spots - mainly, learning how independant I am, that I am capable of doing almost anything on my own. It has also made me realize that I am a strong human being and that I can get through anything that life throws my way - I know that not everyone can say that.
This was a wonderful blog post - Thank you :)
The other morning I walked into the kitchen feeling terrible from having just contracted a severe flu. My husband, who knew I was sick, glared at me, then yelled, "YOU should go to the emergency room! YOU'RE going to DIE!!!"
My personal hell is being married to an emotionally abusive man who does not show sympathy or compassion. My health problems (and everything else about me) interfere with his narcissistic fantasy world. My hell has been spending years trying to find a job to earn money so I can leave, only to have the jobs I find not work out due to illness, injury, abusive bosses, or a combination of the three. My hell is having almost everyone I know think my husband is the kindest, friendliest person they have ever met. My dear grandmother thinks he's a hero. (Her words.) None of these people really know him. I wonder who else knows the truth about him. He fools everyone. He fooled me--I married him--though I am guilty of ignoring certain bad signs along the way, hoping things would improve. Never again.
So even though my health is failing from the stress (I've been sick for eight weeks this winter) I keep plugging along, doing everything I can to pull myself out of despair and find a good job so I can get the hell out!
Thank you so much for this essay. It made me cry and gave me some much-needed courage.
Hey bird girl, they're totally different people behind closed doors. He didn't fool you in the sense that you're a fool, he is a master at wearing a mask in public. I had a lovely grandmother-type come talk to me at a baseball game about how wonderful it was to watch my husband interacting with our three little boys. She spilled to me that her granddaughter's husband was a horrible person and treated their kids just awful. The whole time, I was thinking how this sweet grandma had no idea about the yelling and belittling and horrible things my husband said to get us to the baseball game. But in public, he plays super dad. So everyone thinks we're a happy family. I live a lie. Just like you. And the stress is making me sick, too.
Do you have kids? Because if not, who cares about a job. Get out! Go stay with a friend for a while, check out a half-way type house for abused women, whatever. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and the rest of Patricia's books. It's harder to leave than anyone knows, except for those of us who have lived (or are living) through it. But you can do it!
BTW, I also have health problems that keep me from getting much of a job, and three kids to boot. TRAPPED is a horrible way to feel, isn't it?
Hell was being sexually abused by my father for 6 years, and knowing it was wrong. It was my step mother telling people I was lying to get attention,It was being 12 years old and fearing that I was pregnant by my father . It was being forced to visit him in jail every weekend. It was spending 2 weeks in a coma because I was poisoned by my parents when I was 9, It was never being allowed to try and excel, because I was trying to bring attention on to myself. Hell was having my biological mother bring us out whenever she wanted a pity trip. It was having my life on display whenever she didnt get the attention she wanted. It was being suicidal at age 6, and fighting a losing battle not to self mutilate.its losing half of my family because I didn't fit into the mold my step mother made for me. Its having my sister look at me after not seeing me for 4 years, and telling me she had no idea who I was. Its being petrified of turning into my parents, so afraid of being a mommy, because of how i grew up. Hell is feeling as though I have to be the strong one in everything, because every time I've needed help, all I can do is look in the mirror. But heaven? Heaven is finding the first person to show me unconditional love (at the age of 17!)/ Its looking into the face of my angel and knowing that theres no greater love than the love for a child. Its knowing that I will teach her her own personal value, that I tell her every single day, so many times how much I love her. Its getting baby kisses, Its watching her discover, and healing through her. Its the freedom in the knowledge that (so far, god willing) i am nothing like my monsters. Its the wonder that I've grown through so many traumatic events, and yet, I'm here. I see myself as a beautiful broken vase. Patched together, somehow my scars make me stunning.
My path through hell has been a long and rewarding one. I married my very best friend and planned a future of forevers that lasted 8 months when he died beside me in a car accident in 1999. I was 25. I've grieved, healed, struggled, laughed, dreamed, failed, prospered and tried to find love again... more than anything, I just kept going. Another 2 1/2 year journey through hell began in adopting my son from Russia... but I'd walk every lonely sad mile again. Your post hit me hard on so many levels as I could identify with the versions of hell and the intestinal fortitude it takes to decide to keep running. Thanks for writing - thanks for inspiring others to keep running, or limping or shuffling on - it gets better... and if you keep running... much much better. Now, I just need to "run into" another Mr. Right (hoping I didn't just run right by him on the way).
My recent post My apple tree
It matters VERY much how that person was lost.....
I am the person that is still stuck in hell, feeling like there is never a way out. Just getting out of bed every day is a struggle. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to make it.
I agree with everything you said. I'm 24 and I've been down several different paths to hell(Mother kidnapping me at age 4 and going missing for nearly a month...almost losing my father to an infection...dealing with a verbally abusive Stepmother...and so much more..)..at the time it seems like the most horrible thing you could ever go through and wonder if it will ever get better and it usually does..and then something else happens ..and again and again ..and rinse and repeat..etc..haha but I realize that had I not gone through the things I have and seen the things I've seen, I wouldnt be as strong and mature as I am today, and like i said I am only 24 so there is so much more growing and healing to do, but the older I get , the more I believe in myself and feel better about the person I have become from that angry teenager....and reading your posts really help and I just wanted to say thankyou.
Walking that burning path myself. Have been for 6 months now. But there is no turning back. I am building a new life from scratch. New town, new job, new me. Trying to balance a new job that could be a new career, being a good healthy parent to two very different kids, and discovering just who I am after trying so hard to be someone I was not for someone who was not who I thought he was. My choices were hard. My life is not easy. But it is mine. And I will succeed. I'm not always sure how, but I have faith in myself. Thank you, Dan. It helps to remember that this journey may seem solitary, but others know the pain and joy that come of it.
My hell was being molested at 6 years old by a family friend. Along the way I also struggled with very low self- esteem and what I believe was mild depression. Some people say they would like to go back and change the past, but I can honestly say that while I wouldn't wish the situation on anyone else, that I personally would not change it. It's been a long 12 years since then- but every painful step through the fire has made me into the person I am today. Like you, Dan, I count myself lucky.
Thanks Dan, and to your friend that shared her stuggle. Watching others face the hard things makes it easier for me to run through too.
My hell is infertility too. I bawled when I read what you wrote about it, because of that hell you have your beautiful son. I'm waiting to have my beautiful baby however it comes to us. Thank you for this post. Through all of our trials, the reward will be the joy at the end of them. I look forward to that!
Another great post........very thought provoking for me. Will definitely keep this all in mind as I embark on my new future at this late stage in my life. After a marriage of almost 30 years ended without me even realizing there was something wrong ~ I am picking up stakes & moving across the country to forge a brand new life elsewhere to help assuage my pain & fear of the unknown.......keeping this post in mind will truly help keep me focused on the future :)
My hell was waking up when i was 6 years old and could move at all.. Learning I had juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and had to start meds that made me sicker than ever . My hell was waking up in the middle of the night in such pain from my arms locking . Hell for me was being told as a kid my parents had to make a touch decision.. Walk or be in a wheel chair and have the ability to have kids. My hell was drs not helping me and spending YEARS in pain..
I kept moving and told myself I wouldn't let it bring me down.. I walked slowly thru my hell. Now at almost 25, I completed my first 5k and finished it in 43 mins. I look back and am so blessed to know what I have eben thru to be happy for what I have today. Some days are painful.. Some days it hurts to walk up the steps.. But im walking.. On my own!!!
Wow, that was amazing. Have you ever thought of writing a book?
I look forward to your posts. :-)
Dan, this is the single most moving blog post I have ever read. Thank you - for finding the words to express that incredibly daunting and personal journey through hell that each of us have taken. I came to the end with a little less pain inside, and a lot more hope for a brighter future.
Thank you again. Keep writing - you have a gift.
~RJ
My recent post Celebrating a Strong-Willed Teen
Hell for me was infertility for seven years and having my marriage end in divorce. I remarried a wonderful man and within a year I was pregnant. My happiness was short lived however. After I gave birth to my beautiful daughter I was plunged into severe postpartum depression. I wanted to die and my husband not knowing what to do left me alone. Luckily I had good friends and my family was near and they helped me get the help I needed. I was just beginning to pull myself out of it when my little brother killed himself. Luckily I had made enough strides in conquering depression and mended my marriage enough that I had the support I needed to deal with the tragedy. I wouldn't normally share this kind of thing with strangers but this post touched me because of the truth it contained. I came out on the other side. I made the hardest decision I have ever made and got a tubal ligation. It would not have been fair to my husband or my daughter to risk going through another pregnancy and I do not regret that. I have been blessed with one child and I will give her the best that I can. I have mended my marriage and that was another good decision that I made. I love my husband he is a wonderful human being. I am grateful for my experiences in hell. They made me the person that I am today wiser, more accountable for myself and my actions, and I can still laugh at myself and find beauty in the world and those around me. I am truly blessed.
My hell is dealing with epilepsy, and not being able to drive, therefore being stuck in my home day after day. I don't work. I can only leave when my husband gets home from work, and will drive me places. It sucks and I miss freedom terribly.
My current hell is having lost my best friend because the spouse would not accept me. I keep wishing they would pick up the phone and tell me they don't hate me anymore.