Time vs. the Worthless Heart

 I have been divorced for about a year and a half, and the day he walked away I knew that I had some serious soul searching and healing to do. I work out myself by talking it out with someone or writing, like you, and while talking to my ever patient mother I had a realization that for me, I found to be 100% true. Each of us has this empty space inside us that we absolutely must find a way to fill.  We all find different ways to fill it.  We try love. Food. Exercise. Hobbies. Shopping. Writing. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Anything.  Anything to get rid of that horrible emptiness inside us.  These feelings are magnified when we have temporarily filled that space with something and then lose it, for example a failed marriage. The only thing that I have found that can fill that empty space to overflowing forever is Christ. I'm not talking about becoming a zealot or devoting every second to it, but the only thing that I have found that is available to me at anytime, night or day, and that always works is to feel Christ's love for me. That sweet Savior died to save my soul, why? Because he LOVES me. I am enough to him. I have two sweet little twin babies from my marriage and as I look at them and think of the love that I have for them, imperfect as it is because I am an imperfect being, I think about my Father in Heaven and how much he must love me with his perfect love. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, and He loves me and I love Him. I am the Child of a King. I am a princess. When I feel that incredible love that he has for his precious and prized daughter, I can't help but realize that I am enough. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  I am enough.  The closer I try to get to my Lord the more I feel that love and the more I actually believe it.  I am of infinite value. The worth of my soul is great in the eyes of God. That knowledge has made every ounce of difference to me. I no longer feel the need to fill a void in my soul.  Of course I still would love for my twins to have a father, and I would love to not spend the rest of my days alone, however at least I know that if I do find someone now, it isn't out of desperation and it isn't to fill that emptiness inside me. 

Dana Marie

I too had someone pretend to be interested in me when i was younger while his friends laughed. It hurt. I was married for awhile and yes at a young age. My marriage probably should have ended sooner than it did for more reson than i want to explain here. But i was afraid to be alone and was afraid of not being loved for me. I almost made the mistake of falling and staying with the next guy i dated after me and my ex split. Im glad i didnt and i can look back at that relationship with more fondness than i would have otherwise. I relized i needed to figure out who i was and who i am and be happy with my self fisrt before startting another relationship. And i am happy though at time i do miss being with someone. Others have expressed interest in me but none hold my interest. Sometimes i wonder if i just need to get to know someone first or if im just scared of falling too fast or what. Things i have to explore yet i guess or will learn. I just today found this blog and i dont usually read or reply to them. But u intreguied me. Sorry about the spelling on my mobile phone and its being silly. Lol anyways i feel like u touch home and i understand. Please learn about yourself and love yourself first before starting a relationship and dont be afraid of who u are. And i'LL TRY TO STAY THAT WAY FOR MYSELF too.

There is nothing wrong with you, trust me, other than the fact that you are a hopeless romantic. You dont need to be married to feel loved. Getting married so young, so quickly and to girls you hardly knew, its hardly surprising both marraiges ended in divorce, you practically sabotaged them from the outset.  Most people ( whether they had bullying issues or not) would have had the same statitsics. Dont be so hard on yourself. Next person you meet, take it slow. love is like a fire, you need lots of kindling!! Start it right and it will burn brightly for as long as it's meant to.

I haven't figured myself out yet, I guess. I'm a single mom who has never been married. I loved my dad as a child; my mom and I didn't really get along. She was always pretty judgmental and bitter and negative. Towards everyone, though, not just myself. So I don't know that I felt worthless as much as I just felt lost. 

I was an average kid. I had average grades, an average amount of "rebellion," an average amount of pot smoking, an average amount of boyfriends, an average amount of being bullied... I pulled through all of it, and a decade later, I'm floating in a weird place. I have an opposite problem as you, though, where I can't seem to bring myself to love people. I mean, sure I love my family. And I love my daughter more than life itself. But I can't depend on other people to love me back. 

I had a boyfriend through the last half of high school and on into college. We broke up after 4 years. I loved him at the time, and I was pretty upset. I had never thought once about marrying him, though. I never imagined having kids with him or growing up to be his only woman. After our break-up, at 21, I found myself in the arms of a mutual friend. I had known him for years and years, and I felt safe-ish. He is the father of my daughter. A drunken night when I convinced myself that pain over missing someone was weakness and that I didn't need love. Now I'm living with a different guy who absolutely adores me. We never fight, we don't say mean things. We have a house and he has two children of his own from a previous marriage. But I refuse to be married. He has already told a woman he would love her until the day he dies, gave her his last name, and now he's living with me, seeing his kids one night a week and every other weekend and on holidays, and I can't help but wonder how I'm supposed to fit into all of this. I love him, but I have a hard time doing so. We have separate bank accounts, separate goals.. I even kept all of my DVDs that are duplicates of his, "just in case." 

I don't understand any of it myself. I don't want to need someone to love me. And what's worse is, I'm sure both of my parents did love me. They never got divorced, my dad was always around.. we never had any deep dark secrets, like drug or alcohol issues, or abuse, or mistresses. There was nothing. But I'm still encased in armor, worried about letting anyone in and making a fool of myself.

I think love is always a gamble, and that time is a good thing for relationships: it reveals weaknesses and strengths, cementing good relationships and causing the fragile ones to blow up (preferably before we become too deeply entangled in them).

Like you, I grew up thinking I was pretty worthless.  I still feel that, sometimes, but for me the solution was never looking for others' validation.  I have spent my whole life expecting people either to hate me or (most likely) be indifferent towards me.  I have always had loving friends and family, but I knew that they loved me in spite of my qualities, not because of them.  I do the best I can to contribute more upside than downside to the relationships I have had, and I have been surprised and delighted when people have responded by accepting me with open arms (as they do, on occasion).

Looking back, I think my successful relationships have several things in common.  (1) They all started with low or no expectations.  I never expected people to like me, let alone love me.  (This is true even when I think of my parents, though I must say they have always shown love for me.  I accepted that love without feeling that I had any right to it, any obligation to feel hurt if I didn't get it.)  I did not go on a single date until I was 26 years old.  I asked a girl once, and she agreed initially but then backed down.  I was not surprised.  I did not resent it.  I figured she knew herself well enough to know I was no good for her (or at least not as good as whatever else she had going on).  When I finally met the woman who became my wife, we spent 2 years engaged, talking on the phone every night when we were apart and seeing one another days at a time when we in the same state.  We never had sex (since we were brought up to save it for the honeymoon), and we didn't really have expectations about what sex or married life would be like.

(2) They all involve continuous, rigorously honest communication.  My wife and I didn't have many expectations of married life when we first met and starting seeing one another, but it didn't take long for us to start talking about what vague ideas we did have.  We talked a lot.  We were very honest.  We disagreed.  We discussed our disagreements and found them less important than our agreements (which we also discussed).  By the time we finally got married, I felt like I knew her really well.  The only relationships I have that compare, in terms of emotional investment and openness, are with family and one or two longstanding friends.  And I don't keep up with these relationships as diligently as I keep up with my wife.  We still talk.

(3) They all improve over time.  My wife and I didn't start out as great friends, with intimate knowledge of one another.  My best friends and closest family didn't begin as close to me as they are now.  History is cruel to some relationships: the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune drive some of us apart, even when we desperately want to be together.  It is kind to others, throwing some people back in your lap over and over until you have a stronger bond for all the shit you have been through together.  I feel like the really great relationships I have had have been the ones that embrace and build history.  Life is crazy.  Bad stuff happens.  Because of all the work my wife and I have put into our mutual understanding, the bad stuff that has attacked us has driven us together (where it could just as easily have driven us apart: and it may yet do so; there is no way of guaranteeing that we won't be completely swamped by some unforeseen circumstance that destroys what we have spent the last few years lovingly building together).

Unlike some people, I don't think that "losing" at the marriage game (even multiple times) is necessarily an indication that someone is morally deficient (a douchebag or whatever).  Much of life is random.  We play the hands we are given, and sometimes life deals some pretty crappy hands.  It sounds to me as though you are doing the best you can with the one you have, and you are finding some success (some relationships with other people that are more positive than negative, for you and for them).  Your life has meaning, and their lives are enriched because of you.  That is something you can always be happy about, no matter what particular relationships you make or don't make with people towards whom you feel a romantic attraction. 

We all make mistakes.  The trick is learning from them, as it seems that you are.  Thanks for sharing with us.

Dan,

Thank you.

When I was young, I don't remember my age but I wasn't older than 9, I had an disingenuous "friend." He was the first friend I can recall ever making in my entire life. I didn't realize it at at first, but his betrayal has poisoned my self-image for many years. I finally realized it at 20 years old. And one year after that, I find this article.

I was, and to be honest, still am reluctant to trust anyone. Not even my own mother. I have never had a best friend, been on a first date, had a first kiss, and until last month, shared a hug with someone that wasn't a family member. Now I know exactly what's been poisoned, and what needs to change. I don't know how I will change it, or even if, as you ponder, I merely need time to dissolve it away.

Unlike you, I didn't fear time. I waited patiently. I have an overabundance of it patience, it is one of my superhuman traits. Though, like you, I have struggled to convince myself that I am truly valuable, and worthy of being loved by someone.

I'm not sure that I would have ever known what was wrong, had I not come across your article. And I thank that you wrote it, despite yourself.

Dan,

Thanks for posting. Growing up, I lived with only my dad from the ages of about 11-17. He was a great father in terms of providing and protecting as well as loving, but was and is very emotionally unstable and miserable. He has been through many relationships which he has dragged me though. They would end, he would be angry and alone, and I would be the only person there in his life outside of work and the occasional one-night stand. Along with his emotional instability and depression, and with me being the only person in his life, I was at the receiving end of his misery. He would constantly put me down, control me, yell at me, pick at me, anything just to take his anger out. Never physical, but very emotionally abusive. It definitely took it's toll on my self-esteem and outlook on life. At such a young age it's a shame but also a blessing. I was so fortunate that I was able to open my eyes and get out of the unhealthy environment. 

In your posts of the 31 do-not's in a marriage, I see a lot of him and his actions. Practically all of them. He would also rush into relationships. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize and understand all the things he would say. He was always scared of a relationship ending and always the pessimist, yet he always needed to have someone. He always needed the security. After reading this post, it all comes together. His problem is Time. And not with just relationships, but everything in life. 

As for me, I'm only 20 years old. I've been in 1 relationship which is to be considered "high school sweethearts." The whole time I was so afraid of it ending and turning out like my dad. It constantly ate at me and I had constant anxiety. I built a constant wall and I was subconsciously condemning myself to my father's habits. It didn't help that my ex had his own mommy issues and was a great guy, yet a terrible boyfriend. I became even more insecure trying to live up to what I thought I had to be for him and his family. It screwed me up even more. After that ended when I was almost 18, I was completely devastated. It was a typical first love's heartbreak. Add the emotional issues I had and It took me a long time to pick myself up and move on. 

The thought of relationships scared me yet I craved someone. I wanted to feel accepted and loved, which I had never felt. After about a year and a half of being single, I was finally okay and happy to be single. In a way I always wanted someone, but only if it was for the right reasons. But I was happy with being single and I was focusing on school and didn't really want much to do with relationships. I was able to take my dads experiences and my few experiences and analyze them. I am not like my dad and I am so grateful I had the strength to pull myself up and not pick up his habits. I was able to build myself up and learn to love myself and appreciate who I am. I still have a little work to do, but I'm pretty happy with who I am. However, I have kept the fear of time. It's hard to turn negative thoughts into positive. It's hard to tell and convince myself to not be afraid of time.

Then I met my current boyfriend, who is 23. He's lived a very stable life, and is a very stable person. He's not what I would typically go for in a guy. We have a lot of separate interests, yet we have common interests and continually find more in common. I have never felt so loved and appreciated by someone, and this time I know it's genuine. He grew up with my cousin and they're best friends. My family loves him. I know my cousin wouldn't set me up with someone unworthy. He accepts me and has taught me so much in so little time already. He's taught me a lot of things about myself without even knowing it. I do realize we are young, and that our goals and wants will most likely change. I get scared with the amount of divorce statistics and all the horror stories of marriage.I get scared love will fade,and I get scared that he will turn into someone else when we progress in our relationship, such as moving in with eachother or marriage. Thats what always happened with my dad; he changed and became his miserable self. Call me a fool, but I still have high hopes for our success.

Yet everyone says you have to go through tons of relationships to find the right one. Or people will say your 20's are too young and your 30's is when you for sure know what you want. I'm still a little afraid of time. Sometimes I catch myself freaking out and imagining scenario's where it will go wrong and that most people are right, that we are too young to ever work out. I catch myself fearing time.

Until I read your post, I couldn't quite place what I was afraid of. Naturally I'm scared of losing my boyfriend, but positive thinking has helped me overcome that. Knowing that I'll be okay if things do end has helped me overcome this fear. Yet there was still some anxiety, some fear. And now I realize that I am afraid of time and the time it will end, and here I catch myself caught up in my dads habits, which I've been so against. 

I can only hope I overcome this. Instead of fearing time, I want to embrace it. I want to make sure we have plenty of time to make sure we want to be together. To make sure we go through plenty of obstacles and survive them together. I don't want to rush into things, and I can only hope that time will bring us together. It's scary, but I've met a guy who is worth facing time for. And know that I know what my biggest fear is, it's time to face it. 

Thank you so much. As cheesy as it is, you have truly helped me. 

Everyone wants the same thing and it's so easy. Time, attention, communication, affection and GOD. We love because we are loved..I was married for 29 years..loveless. Now divorced myself and nursing a broken heart..a player with 5 notches on his marital belt (yes, I was naive..believing the words..the flowers..the kisses..the "I love you's") don't just throw that phrase around. Don't feel bad Dan, at least you know how to love and have learned what not to do. My fairy tale is over.  I pray you find Miss Right. No one wants to die alone.

It's hard to feel and believe someone else's love for us when we don't love ourselves. I went through a string of miserable, long-term, live-in relationships that may as well have been marriages and divorces (three of them) plus one actual marriage and divorce, always wondering why they were broken and convinced I did not deserve to be happy. So the fact that you threw a ceremony into your relationships is no reason to beat yourself up. I am 34, and finally found the man I'm compatible with, the glorious one who time makes the relationship with stronger and deeper. He can be exactly who he is and I can be exactly who I am and we delight in that and both breathe easily, knowing we don't have to change to please each other. Yet he did not come into my life until I spent time in therapy and time alone learning how to first love and respect myself, and I see that attitude growing in your writing. I think our relationships reflect how we feel about ourselves. If you hate yourself, you will make unhealthy choices and stay in unhealthy situations. Give yourself the same kindness, understanding, and forgiveness you give other people, and settle for nothing less than being able to entirely be yourself with another person, warts and all.

How perfect to read this tonight. Appreciate the perspective.

I stayed in an emotionally abusive and fundamentally loveless marriage for 22 years, believing IU could not make it on my own and that no one could every truly love me. Your discussion of the weird effects of time and the feeling of worthlessness is well-written and relevant. Thanks so much.

I wonder... If everyone was this transparent, would we all be happier?  Emerson said that "Envy is ignorance. Imitation is suicide."

Dan, a couple thoughts. First, you need to stop apologizing every time you post a 'serious' letter; personally, I love them and I guarantee I'm not alone. Second, you need to stop beating yourself up over your past. I get it - you thought you were inherently unlovable. So did many of us. And you did things you wish you could take back. Same here. Believe me, there are things I find it difficult to believe that God can forgive me for. But at the end of the day, the *very act of sharing these lessons* is valuable and important, and the suffering you went through was meaningful if only for that reason! You are an inspiration, just by being you, just by sharing your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Third, please accept yourself for who you are. You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to be heterosexual. Heck, you don't even need to be metrosexual! Be yourself. You are kind, you are expressive, you are a good dad, a good friend, a good man. You are lovable. And p.s., from your pics on the website, you are cute, too.   :)

Shit Dan!  I think we are twins who were separated at birth.

Your perspective on life really blows my mind. Your thoughts seem so well thunked! Thanks for sharing so much of your life on this blog. Well done.

Awesome.  I think most, if not all of us feel the exact same way.  I've found that even "the beautiful people" feel like the fat, ugly kid a lot of the time.  I walked away from my true love, probably my soul mate, when I was young, because of that time bomb you mentioned.  Everything he did to prove he loved me just made me think he was under some kind of spell that would eventually break.  I started to be terrified that it would break the day after our wedding, or maybe 5 years in, so I broke it off before we could get married.  Like you, that's not what it looked like to him, or to the outside world, but that's what happened. 

I met a guy who hadn't had a lot of female attention, and he seemed crazy about me.  I liked him okay and figured I could love him in time, and I figured he'd always appreciate me, so I married him...waaaayyyy too soon after breaking up with the other guy.  After reading your thoughts, I believe my husband was just like you, even more so than I was.  We hung in there, prayed, fought, got counseling, did everything we could to stay together, and it took 17 years for the marriage to finally end.  (Well, legally, anyway.  As they say, it was really over long before that.)

Oh, and in the meantime, my old beau looked me up.  He still loves me, go figure.  It's too late now because he's married and has kids.  It was very healing for me to actually know that he didn't forget me after all those years, though.  It really helped me to see things differently.  The one thing I have resolved is that I will never, ever again get engaged to someone I haven't dated for AT LEAST a year, probably longer.

It took me a lot longer to learn these lessons than it is taking you.  You're doing great!  Keep up the good work.

Oh Gosh! So many of us can relate.

In high school, I never had dates. No boy wanted to be seen with a 'crippled' girl' as I walked differently because of my cerebral palsy.  I endured the stares and snickers. No boy would take the time to get pass the exterior and see although, I walked, stood and talked funny I was a REAL person with REAL feelings. I wanted the same thing as everyone else. Acceptance. Love. Go to a dance with a boy. 

I acted like it didn't bother me but it tore me up inside. At one point, I wanted to fit in so much that I came up with this imaginary boyfriend I would tell my friends I spent time with so they wouldn't feel sorry for me. 

I lied to myself and everyone else that it was okay with me. I had other dreams to pursue that didn't involve love.I lied and said I didn't need love.

Then I met my first husband. He was the FIRST guy who told me he loved me, I was pretty and my walking etc wasn't a problem for him. We dated a few years and we married. I KNEW we shouldn't have married but what if I didn't marry this person and no one else would want me?  I do believe he truly loved me. I convinced myself that I loved him. We got married. During my the wedding reception line as I thanked everyone for coming etc I was crying. Not because I was happy but because I knew the wedding was a big mistake. Nine months later he was arrested and I got my out of the marriage. I made it that it was his fault because of the arrest. 

Several months after the divorce I met my second husband. He accepted me and asked me to marry him within a few months but after the first marriage I refused. We moved in together because I thought it was the next best thing to marriage and I didn't want to lose him. What if I didn't commit to him, he would find someone more desirable than I? So I hung on to him and finally after 5 years of living together I married him and I felt loved. We loved each other so very much. 24 years later the marriage dissolved from so many factors. I still sometimes wonder what the hell happened. I don't think its that we fell out of love, we changed drastically after our child was born. I struggled 10 extra years to make it work because I was so afraid to be alone and not loved. I think having my child helped because I was loved unconditionally by her.

I just wanted to share my story and thanks for sharng yours. Alot of times I may not comment but I read your blog and can relate to so many things you write. This one hit home for me with what I call grasping for love in all the wrong ways. God bless.

I completely understand your feelings of being unworthy.  My real dad was never in my life growing up but he had two daughters after me.  He could be a father to them but not to me.  At the age of 5 years old I can remember telling myself if my real dad didn't love me that meant I didn't deserve to have any other man love me.  That I had done something so horrible not to deserve my fathers love.  My mom has been divorced three times as well.  I was bullied non stop because of my red hair and freckles and had no friends.  I learned a long time ago not to trust and to lock away my heart.  I am divorced and I keep attracting the wrong types of men because I still haven't learned to value myself.  I to have a lot of work to do but its worth it.  I'm a single parent as well and my son is one of the reasons that keeps pushing me to be become better.    My son deserves that and I deserve it.   Saying I deserve it in my mind is whole different thing than my heart accepting it.    I have much respect for being a positive and active part of your child's life!!    

Dan, read your blog and I think at some point everyone of us goes thru something like you have. I am gay and have had 3 failed relationships. Looking back blame can be put of both parties but I learned 2 things: #1. I had to love myself first and forgive anything in my past. #2. That the other person cannot make me happy, I have to make myself happy and remember the other person adds to my happiness. I now live a better life and when Mr. Right comes along it will be all the better for the both of us. My best to you.

Just wanted to say you are an inspiration for opening yourself up like this and sharing on your blog. Thank you for writing

I'm divorced too, and I guess we have that in common.  I recognize the need to marry because of rejection, as you can see by my face there I have suffered some of the same high school slings and arrows that you did.  However,  I skipped the first marriage and went straight on to the second.  I got married just after my 40th birthday to a fabulously handsome 16-year younger man who claimed not to be shallow.  I think he was disappointed after we were together that being spiritual all the time is just not possible, unless you are the Dalai lama or Depak Chopra or someone like that.  The rest of us will spend some time kicking back and watching survivor.  I still love him but I am glad we are apart.  He can go and sow some of those oats and maybe I can too.  I think he sees me as his twisted domestic Mother, apparently he watches my facebook and might actually read this,

I read what others wrote and I have to agree in part that a religious community of some flavor is nice to have I'm Board President at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Fort Lauderdale and if finding Jesus is sounding creepy to your on account of your past, you might want to look us up.  My church family, told me how to get the papers to divorce without a lawyer, supported me emotionally and financially when I was in transition and out of work during the pre-divorce time, came to my divorce party and celebrated, and continue to watch over me in sickness and in health. This enables me to see love and/or sex without having to worry about the practical stuff at all.  I am incredibly lucky to have them, and they claim i return the favor by running things well.  Well see how it all comes out in the end. 

Of course you do have a internet family and that is not to be sneezed at.  I think we need to fall completely and totally in love with ourselves before anyone outside can even see we exist.  That's what I am working on.

All I can say is (hugs) You are most definitely not alone.

I'm glad you wrote this and that you posted it. I am another one of the many who rushed into a marriage. Not for the same reasons, though, but with the similar problem of not really knowing the person I married.

I have told a few friends who don't think highly of themselves, who are desperate for love that people are less likely to be attracted to someone who doesn't genuinely love themselves. That...might seem kinda mean, but I didn't intend it to be that way. It's just that they rush into relationships and then end up breaking up because it didn't work out because they were so desperate to find 'the one' that they were willing to settle for anyone, which isn't the same as 'the one.' 

Instead of rushing into things, take it slow and steady. Get to know the person before committing to them. Maybe marriage isn't for you. Maybe just a long term relationship without the piece of paper. Even something like that could turn into something beautiful and lasting. 

I know I have trust issues. The mere thought of ever getting married again would be like signing my soul over to Hell, so I'm kinda biased against it though I see many marriages that are working great around me. Anyway, I wish you luck in being able to find what you seek at a more sedate pace this time around. :) You seem well on your way to finding your self and a  good sense of worth. YOU ARE A WORTHWHILE PERSON. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, yours is the only blog I read, so that must count for something! Right? Right? :D

Oh Dan.  Dan Dan Dan.  Are we twins separated at birth?  You are not alone and yes time will become your friend about the time you are my age LOL.  I am divorced, but could have been married several times again and divorced again if not for my kids and therapy.  I was also desperate for love at many times in my young adult life.  I was never bullied, but I was abandoned over and over again by immature parents and when the people who are supposed to be your rock and the source of all unconditional love don't follow through it is very hard to deal with.  I think the biggest point you make is you have to give yourself time to 1) find out who you really are apart from all the external things that have made up your young life and 2) give yourself time to love those things that make you who you are.  No relationship including parent/child or romantic will EVER be a 100% success unless you know yourself and love yourself first.  Easier said than done and I don't know anyone who hasn't felt the biological clock or otherwise ticking inside themselves.  Youth is such an impatient time now more than ever.  I love this post and trust me there are some of us out there that blog for the very same reason.  When I was young and not conscious to all of my issues and motivators it was so easy to fall in love and I had at least enough confidence in myself to just not worry if a relationship fell apart because I could always jump right into another one.  By the time I was 25 I had no confidence left and I settled into my first marriage just like you.  It was doomed, but I was determined.  We were both good people but things happened.  Thankfully, I have grown up a lot since then and realized I was very messed up and needed help for me and for my kids.  I'm proud of you Dan and you need to take all the time (seven months or seven years) to work on you.  The other things will come in time.  Thank you for being so brave!

You have proven time and time again that although you have failed, you're not a failure. Although you've done demeaning things, you are a worthy man.

I really liked this!

Dan,

I find your posts so honest and refreshing, you say the things so many of us feel but have been afraid to say. 

Dear Dan, 

I can totally relate to your story, because, even after 61 years, I still struggle with this. I am currently in a relationship that exists because I need someone to support me. That doesn't mean that I don't love this person, but I find it necessary to make this relationship work, as I have all my others, even though there are certainly areas in this relationship that are very lacking. 

I also got married at 21, and stayed married for 30 years, most of them horrible, because I thought that if I just did this or that, he would be happy and our relationship would be good. Wrong! I didn't leave until I was positively sure that there was nothing else I could do. (I later found out he had a girlfriend). I sacrificed my own self for my husband, my mentally ill mother, my children, and completely lost my own identity.

The only other live-in relationship was with a man who was homeless and unemployed and who totally took advantage of me, while I went out of my way to try to make it work. It ended so badly that I was terrified of him and was happy he moved away. When this man moved in with me (because he had nowhere else to go), I was just getting used to being single and enjoying the person who was me. No one to serve but myself, nothing to fix that I didn't want to fix. 

How I ended up in my current relationship is that I lost my job and my home, and my dear friend rode in on his white horse and rescued me. By the time I woke up to what had happened, I had given up my own life to life his. But I wasn't ready to stop living my own life on my own, and now I am feeling trapped. Worse of all, I am now planning to marry this man so I can have health insurance. 

I really recommend that you spend lots of time single. Figure out who you are. Be yourself, create the person that you like. Then you will be ready to have a relationship with another person. I always figured that whatever the relationship with another person was for the purpose of learning the lessons that the relationship offers. And so, your next relationship will give you more lessons, maybe the same ones, just like Groundhog Day (the movie).

Thanks for another thoughtful post! Namaste

I stuck with a long-term relationship for years after I should have ended it because being with someone I liked but didn't love felt like all I could ever expect. Then I met someone I actually loved at 28. The difference is amazing. He was definitely worth waiting for and I wish I hadn't settled for less and tormented myself wondering 'is this it' with the wrong person. There's so much more to life. The finite length of our lives definitely contributes to that panic to find someone and decide things are 'good enough'' instead of working otu what we need and sticking to it.

Wow - just - wow. I've been reading Your blog for awhile, never commented before, but everything You write has always resonated with me - now i know why.  You're able to put into words everything that i feel, and let me know that i'm not alone.  Thank You, so very, very, VERY much for sharing so much of Yourself with the world - You are so brave, and really wonderful.  I really needed to read this right now.  It makes sense - time has always been the enemy, or at least seemed to be.  Sending love and blessings Your way.  Thank You again for the beautiful post.

The man I thought I would grow old with broke up with me the day after my birthday, which was also the day I had met 90% of his family for the first time and our 6 month anniversary.  He has personal demons that for what ever reason make him believe he's not worth it, that he doesn't deserve to be loved, and that because of his past, he deserves to chase a relationship that will fail and continue to get hurt.  I don't know why, maybe it's God's intervention that he has not completely cut me from his life.  I still can email him and text and call...and sometimes he'll respond.  I fight for him, because I love him.  I fight for us, because we were so good for each other.  I fight for me, because God gave me the most incredible gift in this man, and without him, I'm not fully the person God intended me to be.

I have almost been divorced twice. My first marriage was, shamefully, a marriage of convenience. We barely knew each other. He lived in Australia, I lived in Canada. He flew me over to Australia after we had been talking online for 2 months (thousands of hours were spent chatting on the computer and the phone). When I got there, I knew that he wasn't right for me. I was afraid of not loving him, or of him not loving me. But we got married after 2 months because the only visa I could apply for while in the country was a spouse visa. It was the only way (that we saw at the time) to see if our relationship would work. So we put the proverbial cart before the horse.

We both had our own demons and baggage, and I came back to Canada after 10 months in Australia, 8 months of which I spent married to someone I really did love, but wasn't in love with. 

I met my current husband 3 weeks later. We have been married nearly 2 years, together almost 4, and have a 2 year old son. Our relationship also moved quite quickly, and we split up for 6 weeks at the end of 2012. It's only been 3 weeks since we've decided to truly let our guards down with each other and communicate more honestly, openly, and lovingly. We have worked really hard to fix ourselves and our marriage, and it has been sooo worth it. A lot of things I've read in your blog Dan are things I realized about myself and my part in my marriage nearly failing. 

I was bullied as a child. I was abused by my parents, by friends, by lovers. I've been raped. I've been physically assaulted. I've been depressed. I've been suicidal. I've self-harmed (spent 10 years doing it, in fact, but have now been free of it for 5 years! Completely broke the cycle!). I have been through more in my 30 years on this planet than most people ever will (or ever should). And yet I read your posts and I feel like I'm not so alone. There are so many others who have been through similar issues. And I have come out the other side a stronger person, because I, like you, was determined to find my demons and excise them.

Sorry, wow, this post is long. I have so much to say and my mind will meander, and I apologize for that. Just know Dan that you ARE loved, even if it's by a stranger, and even if it's .... well, however far from where you live. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and you are precious.

Sara

I was, and still am, perpetually in love with men who think no one could love them.  I like awkward and weird looking, particularly when it comes with a sharp mind and wit.  I'm the girl who watched the bullying and wished inside that the goofball boy would want to be with me.

nice post.  similar background, completely reverse situation.  I was a girl who got made fun of by guys and girls alike but as I grew up more, left for college, studied abroad, I realized that I could be attractive to people.  But coming from a more liberal part of the country, I always had it in my head that people were supposed to date and break up and date and break up before finding someone truly suitable.   So while I craved that acceptance by my peers and romantic options, I never felt pressured to "seal the deal".  In fact, the opposite.  I felt personal pressure to always find something better, to be accepted and loved by people who were smarter, more interesting and more engaging - perhaps to prove how far I had come since middle and high school.  I've been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 years, we are living together, both in our late 20s.  Now I feel the crunch of time in that if I stay longer, I'm going to be stuck.  Time is against me as layers of dependencies seem to pile up.  That being said, time is also against me in that if I keep being frivolous I will always keep a partner at arms length.  I'll never be able to reach that level of true connection because I kept letting superficial things distract me.  Lately I've been having nightmares about it.  I am very glad I never rushed into things.  I never want to divorce and I will err on the side of not marrying rather than marrying with a chance of divorce.  That being said, for a guy who clearly wants a long term thing, I am a terrible girlfriend to be so unsure.

Great post!

Started seeing a guy recently who I met on a dating site. Divorced two months ago, father of three, estranged from his Jehovah mom and brother for revealing his Atheist beliefs, struggling to find a way to connect with his children who are also being raised Jehovah by his ex - so basically a walking, talking, breathing shit show. It only took a couple days before I got it out of him that he's not actually divorced and a whole pile of other "things" he is struggling with emotionally. I have backed away romantically but kept the door open for a friendship.

I just sent him this story - I hope it helps him through his journey.   

I actually have never left feed-back for a blog before, so forgive me if this is dis-jointed.

Let me preface with the fact that I believe what you are doing with this blog is wonderful; it is raw, funny, and often times reassuring to your readers. Your son looks to be a wonderful little miracle, and I am so glad that you are lucky enough to have him to push you to be who you can be.

I think that the message I want to leave you with is simple: I don't want you to magically "find" some new being, inspire you to continue your journey or even kick back at you for being a tunnel-visioned young man. However - I will say- that I once read a quote that fit, describing that time is like a bandit. The more you pursue and chase it, the more elusive it gets. I believe that revelations, fixing our lives, any other big "meaning of life" missions will behave in the same fashion. The more you pressure to suddenly have all the answers, the more elusive they will become. So please, keep on with your small missions. To make your son laugh every day. To find beauty in a moment. To enjoy a daily success in your career. To savor Good Night Moon before bed. Because all of these little moments will build you, change you, and evolve you into everything you seem to be seeking - and eventually, they will likely lead you to love.

Best wishes. Thank you for what you do.

I randomly found your blog because someone shared one of your posts on Facebook (how I blew my marriages, or something). I read a couple of posts and found my way to this one. You and I could not have less in common. I have never been married, never really dated, don't have any kids, am a girl, and struggle with pride issues. I think I'm awesome and am baffled when others don't agree - which would also lead to failed relationships EXCEPT I have something else that makes us really different. I have... ugh, I hate saying this and wish I didn't hate saying it and wish it didn't sound so lame, I have Jesus. I read your FAQ about religion (I'm always interested in people's beliefs about life and God and morality, etc.) and I'm not saying I have religion. I'm saying I have a Bible and I read it and I believe it and what the Bible tells me is that I am not very awesome after all. The Bible tells me that I mess up a freaking lot and I better get somebody to help me out of this mess. The Bible tells me that Jesus wants to get to know this not very awesome me who messes up all the time because for some reason Jesus thinks I'm worth knowing. And for some reason Jesus thinks I'm worth dying for. And for some reason Jesus wants to fix me. And for some reason Jesus wants the same for your twice-divorced ass.

I gotta be honest, I really have little to no idea what LDS says about Jesus or the Bible or about how messed up humans are (or anything else). I PROMISE I'm not trying to shove anything down your throat. I promise that I don't care if you think I'm lame or pathetic or precious or just not that smart or "it's great that this works for you". I promise that regardless of what religion says, regardless of what "Christians" say, there is a Jesus who will (first) knock you on your butt showing you how messed up you are. Jesus isn't going to stand for insane pride or failing relationships. BUT THEN, regardless of what you may have heard about how good you have to be or how hard you have to work to get your shit together, that same Jesus who knocked you on your butt will pick you up, dust you off, and help you put your life together as only He can.

You didn't ask for a sermon and I apologize if I have offended or inconvenienced you. While I was reading this I was just struck by a man (that would be you) who desperately needs to know that he is wanted and he is loved by... yep, here it comes again - Jesus.

Also, as a writer, I apologize if I've offended you with my overuse of paranthesis (I interrupt myself when I talk and when I write!) and commas (I just love those things!).

Hey Dan,

I have a friend who when we were teenagers used to like me a lot.  We are quite different people, but he wanted to go out with me and I didn't want to go out with him.  

It sounds mean to say it so baldly!

Something I've always wished I'd had the guts to say to him is 'don't act the way you think I'd like to see you acting, just be yourself!'  He seriously thought I wouldn't like him if he was himself, I think, but I never got the chance to really see HIM because of the facade he always put up.  No matter how silly, trivial, goofy, or just plain bad he thought his real self was, I wish he had shown it to me so I could have gotten a chance to see if I really liked him.  The reason I didn't like to spend time with him was because he spent so much time and effort being fake, and it was painful!  Like I said....I should have said something to him, like a true friend.

 So because I never said it to him, let me say to you BE YOURSELF, no matter how hard it is people will love you more for it.  God doesn't make mistakes.  The spirit he put inside you is just as wonderful, incredible and amazing as you can confidently expect God to have put into anything he made, but you have to believe it.  I truly believe that when you believe that you are good you won't let yourself keep doing the bad because it won't fit with your picture of yourself.  And if you make a mistake it will be just that.  Not something that you will let crush your spirit because you're bad, because you won't believe you are bad, you'll believe you're good and made a mistake!!!

I hope the things I DID say helped and didn't hurt him, and also that they help and don't hurt you.  I'm sorry you spent so long feeling inadequate.  I don't know you at all, but I DO know that God made you and you're able to move mountains, so acting like yourself ought to be easy. ;) (AS IF, you're thinking, right?) 

Hey Dan! Like you, I was pretty desperate to have any kind of a girlfriend in high school and if I was really brutally honest with myself, I'd say I married the first girl that showed any indication of caring about me. I did the same as you, woo'ed the heck out of her because I was so happy that someone finally loved me. Now that we're finally split up, I realize that while I wasn't terrible in our relationship, there were many things I could have done better. Just like you, I have been tackling my inner demons one at a time, and I have times where I completely feel like time is the enemy.  Your article comes to me at an excellent time. I was going through a period where I would date and then break things off in a few weeks because I get very scared about "how it will all work out". I've finally found some patience and compassion for myself and that has led me to be able to date someone I really care about without that deep clinging sense of need (though I still have moments). The most important thing I have learned is that you have to make time for yourself to grow. There are times where I feel desperate for more time, more money, more everything....because if I had that well *then* this person and I could be happy together and she could accept me. That's false. It's tough to say, but I'm no longer going to completely readjust my life to suit a relationship. I have things I need to do in order to grow and to learn. People that are along for the ride are welcome, but if our paths go different ways, that's just how it'll have to be.  

I've been at this breaking point for the last two years.  I just found your blog tonight.  After I read this post I had this electric shock go through me and tears flying down my face.  I'm not sure my story is worth sharing but I wanted to let you know that I've been struggling with how to find myself again after my divorce and failed dating attempts after the other for the last five years.  Never feeling lovable my self-esteem has hit it's ultimate low......I'm struggling to figure out how to nurture myself again and be okay with being alone, with myself first.  Learning to love myself first.  Being Mindful.  Stoping time.  Appreciating my worthiness first, before anyone could possible love me.  This scares the crap out of me.  What you wrote in this post about this happening all before your marriages rang true to me.  I just heard this from a therapist for the first time two weeks ago.  My connection to my ex was more co-dependent than Love.  It wasn't nurturing.  I've never learned how to do this for myself.  I know I have a long road ahead of me but as you are a single Dad with a young child, who's your rock, I'm also a single Mom with a young daughter who is my rock and the love of my life, who reminds me the innocence of joy and pure happiness every day.  I need to get better first for myself but also for her.  jennwren

Hi Dan, We're born in the same year. We both married young.  We both got divorced young. And we both remarried rather quickly after our first marriages ended.  Our boys are born the same year, and are the same age. I find your premise about time to be pretty spot on - but I was thinking of some things I realized that I want to share with you in the hopes that any similarities we may further have might make it useful to you.

Something I learned about relationship and compatibility is to know the limits and boundaries of how much you, as a person, are willing to compromise.  What are your breaking points? What are the things that you can't compromise over?  And it's not the big things, it's the little tiny things that make such a difference.  My first marriage was very much like your second - riddled with argument, becoming more and more awful by the day.  At the outset of my current relationship, I agreed with my (also once divorced) husband that I can compromise but the inherent person that I am is already written, so don't ask me to change something fundamental about myself.  In return, I will not ask him to change his fundamental person, and respect that he can compromise but will never be a different man.  When you know yourself enough to know who you are, or at least know yourself to know what you *are not*, you have a foundation to join with another person. 

Our marriage is not perfect, no one's is.  But taking the time to know yourself and build your personal power and core up before going into a relationship with another person, is the best way to have something concrete to offer that isn't malleable and fraught with doubt and fear.  In our culture, marriages fail because many people feel that it's easy to swap around mates when the initial fires of first lust die down.  There's not something wrong with that - all marriages cool off, you can't burn with the intensity of first love or you burn out.  It comes down with finding joy in the consistent day to day regularity of life and companionship with the other that builds a marriage to last.  If it's broke, fix it.  If it's not broken, make it better.  Keep working on it as if you're painting life's masterpiece. And above all, know who you are in your core, and what you can and cannot compromise upon.

as someone who was on the brink of divorce, i understand how marriages unravel. however my heart breaks for you, because you are more loved than you will ever know and you will never find satisfactionand love in your son or a woman or food or drink or travel or any of the other things you run to for safety and comfort. i read somewhere you were raised in LDS (which i believe is a cult) so don't write me off for saying this - you need Jesus. he is the only one capable of changing your life so entirely you won't know what happened. he loved you so much he died for you, because you are a sinner. a terrible horrible person who has committed spiritual adultery on God. and God loves you so much he sent his Son Jesus to die on a cross, to pay the penalty you could not ever pay, to reconcile you back to himself. go find yourself a bible and read the gospel of john.

Love the post and it's so true for many of us.  We rush love desperate for it to finally work and then get involved with someone we only know a little about.  Whatever events from our past that caused us to feel undeserving of success or love or good fortune inform our current choices until we wake up and realize they are guiding us into repeats of the same sad story.  I found it is wanting someone else to confirm your worth that causes the rush to cement things.  While I've never been married or even engaged (though I some days want it more than is in any way healthy.  ;)  ) I know this to be true for my own "failings" in love.  Recognizing your own worth and value will take you further and when you know you have things to bring to any relationship, you're less inclined to rush, to change or impress upon that person your worth.  Over time, they will see it anyway. And if they don't, perhaps their wants, priorities, parenting styles are just different than yours. But it need not be a comment on your own value or lack thereof.  We give ourselves value and we teach others how to treat us.  So when we see our own worth and don't settle for partners who don't also see it (or stop rushing to make them see something valuable in us worth keeping us around for) things wind up better. On a side note, I agree wholeheartedly about sharing more with the world. I think it's necessary and healthy, especially when coming from a place of learning, fixing and growing. Too often everyone wants to pretend or stay hush hush about life's funny moments ( I realize they are not all funny, but most of them aren't worth getting all worked up about). If we actually embraced them more, the world would be full of more fully formed, less egocentric folks.  Imagine?!  My dad is famous for this (not being egocentric - he's pretty humble), but he's so hyper sensitive toward family that he will tell me funny stories about family and then go "but don't tell anyone."  My mom, on the other hand, shares for humiliation as often as not (which might be why my dad errors on the side of sparing one's feelings).  But personally, I think a happy medium could be achieved.  Some of the funny things my dad tells me, are just that, funny.  He's not telling me to pick on a relative, but instead because their latest idiosyncrasy is amusing and makes them uniquely them. And I'm hard-pressed to keep quiet, because lets face it, my other family members will also get a hoot out of Uncle "Joe" in his finest form.As I mentioned, my mom shares for all the wrong reasons, and rarely about herself.  It's always a story showing someone else's weakness or lesser prowess than her own.  I have concluded these stories make her feel better than the subject of each story and thus give her worth.  I think she has a hard time seeing her value unless it's in comparison to someone else. It's a hard flaw to cope with sometimes, but I know it's a deep wounding that has informed her whole life.  While sometimes her stories could be helpful, they'd be better if coupled with the understanding behind the story.  That's the part she misses.  And it may be why too few people share as much as you or I would like.  They're afraid of my mom.  hehe.  Seriously though, that fear of judgment deters them from sharing moments that could truly teach the world or at least their corner of it and help more people live better.  Keep on keeping on, Single Dan.  Your time, my time and every other lonely heart's time will come.  :)

So I seriously contemplated sending this response to your inbox because its so personal and a battle I have never voiced before. Then I read the last paragraph and decided I should just put it out there. Maybe someone else will understand and maybe it will help them too.  You see reading this post was a real slap in the face for me.  When I was growing up i got bullied a lot and I grew a thick skin as far as anyone seen but I cried in my room everyday.  I had such a hunger for acceptance.  I needed to be needed and wanted and loved.  When I was 16 I was drugged and raped by my boyfriend who then dumped me and then stalked me.  I didn't date any more for 2 years.  Then I started dating a childhood friend.  And the relationship was good until he decided he would rather be hunting and fishing alone than anywhere with me.  Rejection.  I was terrified of getting attached because I knew it would never last.  I never married.  Not because I didn't want to. It was all I wanted since I was little.  I was engaged twice even. But both times I let them fall apart without fighting for them.  Of course i didn't see it this way when it happened. I thought I had done all I could.  At one point in my life I was so out of sorts and desperate for acceptance and love I turned to drugs and alcohol. It did a wonderful job of dulling my senses and making sure I didn't feel anything.  I slept around. More than I care to admit. I had been used so many times in the past and seen men do it all the time so why couldn't I? I just wanted to feel wanted and needed! Was that so wrong? Was that so much to ask for? I slept around a lot while high and drunk and then I met someone who made me feel so wonderful.  He told me he wanted to spend his life with me and he wanted me to have his children.  I was elated.  We were together for 6 months when we got evicted from the flop house we were staying at. So I went to my parents house and he went to his and we continued dating for 2 more weeks. Then I took a test. And it was positive.  My world crumbled around me. I called and told him.  I didn't hear from him again till after my son turned 1. He spent 45 minutes with his son. That's the only contact he's ever had. That's all he ever asked for.  So again I was unwanted and thrown aside.  I'm not good enough. I am the friend to most guys. That's all they care for with me. Don't get me wrong I have some amazing friends. But when you say to someone "I love you so much" and they in reply say "We are just to good of friends" over and over and over.  My heart was ripped out and I needed TIME to heal those wounds.  I am good friends with a few of the men who said that to me in the past, though some the hurt still lingers. I now in return never say I love you first. I can't bear to hear those words again.  Especially since they make no sense to me! Isn't the person you spend your life with supposed to be your BEST friend?! I am sorry this got so long. 

Dan, I am a 19-year-old girl wearing a ring on my finger, planning my wedding to an 18-year-old boy. (he'll be 19 when we're married) I am completely convinced that he is the man for me, and we have a 10-year plan in place right now. It's not detailed, but it's a solid plan.    While reading this post, I smiled to myself, thinking that I am lucky. Not only did I find him, but I had the sense to keep with him for two years before we even discussed marriage. I know so much about him. I know how he handles stress, what his family ideals are, even his top three favorite colors, and in order.  I know what he likes to do, and what he doesn't like. We are the same, but we are still different. I read your blog to learn about parenthood (I'm not pregnant), to learn about marriage, to learn about loving yourself, your family and others.

 I believe time is my friend: time opened up Josh to me, and allowed me to open up to him at my own pace. He took my dark secrets and unfortuante childhood and embraced them.  Nerds often make the best partners becuase they are very often genuine. (My fiancee opened up the world of tabletop roleplaying games to me: NERD)  When I was in High School, I had that same anxiety (I think kids are groiwng up faster and faster) but I decided I just wouldn't worry about it anymore. Right when I said "Forget it. I give up on dating. I'll try again whem I'm 25 or something," Josh came along. He was first a pest, then a friend, and very, very quickly became my best friend.   I think you shouldn't worry about finding somebody. When you don't worry about it, and just let time go as time does, time may very well throw somebody into your path, and who knows? Maybe she'll be your forever love.

Don't worry. Be happy!

I know exactly how you feel. My best advice? Instead of looking for love, love yourself and look for a partner. It's not that you won't love the partner, you will (and should) but it's a different way of thinking about what you're looking FOR. Though I still struggle with loving myself, I have a wonderful partner who supports me every step of the way. Best of luck, friend. 

Wow.  Thank you for posting this.  I see so much of myself in this post!!  I was engaged once, but never married.  We had been dating for about three months when he asked me.  My partner later decided he needed more time and, in time, our relationship ended (as it should have).  I went from relationship to relationship with a lot of the same anxiety and desperation that you expressed in your post.  Most of my friends started getting married, having kids, etc.  I felt my biological clock ticking.  It took time, several years, away from being in a relationship to learn to be okay alone.  I went back to school to get a graduate degree and wow, has it been difficult again!  The environment is akin to being right back in college, or even high school.  I'm better prepared to deal with it now, but I have noticed that anxiety creeping back up again.  So thank you for this post.  It is a good reminder to slow down and not to try to force things to happen before they should.  Life is far to short to be spent consumed with what we don't have!  And I know most people will agree: no relationship is infinitely better than one that makes you miserable!!