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For the past several months (when I remember), I’ve been keeping a list of some of the most funny, most clever, most cheesy, most mushy, and most random Facebook status updates I’ve seen roll across my homepage. Enjoy.

  • For all of you interested in algorithms that predict protein structures, it turns out that an online multiplayer game is better at predicting protein structures than the sophisticated software programs we have been spending thousands of dollars on for over the past few years.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me….
  • Dear Tuesday, Tread softly or I’ll toss you out on your $@# like I did Monday.
  • Funniest thing ever: My Mom’s face (she is a retired RN) when some people at the hospital came by my room and offered to let me use the “Therapy Dog”. Hahaha, I will laugh about that forever!
  • I sure love my kids! I can’t wait until I can hug and squeeze them again 🙂
  • So, woke up from a nap with my son sleeping next to me. Ya it would have been cute if his Gum he was chewing before did not wind up in my ARM PIT!!! Needless to say I don’t Shave my Arm pits!!!
  • I am so in love with my sweet husband. He is so good to me and our two amazing kids… I am so blessed ♥
  • Anyone know a good lawyer? let’s get together and sue Coke for making me fat… no where on the can/box does it warn you that it’s addicting and can cause obesity!
  • Happy 5:06:07, 8/9/10!
  • I’m not a violent person but sometimes I wish I could take a sledgehammer to my computer. Kick it a few times, maybe even spit on it.
  • Sure, I’d love to help u out…now, which way did u come in?
  • Absolute worst thing about being a mommy: Not feeling well and having 2 whiny kids hanging all over you all day long. I love them, but come on.
  • tote dat barge! lift dat bale!
  • ‎”Did you know how it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile?” “How much does it take to pummel a perky guy?”
  • HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! I’m sorry you have to be stuck in the office, in today of all days. 😉 Hope your day is great and full of awesome things!
  • Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? And why is it that I always forget to take it OFF that setting!
  • Work, you never looked sowhat was I saying?
  • Our church building *really* needs a stepping stool for kids in the restrooms. Have you ever tried to lift a 3 year old to wash her hands while holding a 2 year old who is determined to crawl under the bathroom stall door? Difficult.
  • Do you find that even though your publicizing your life basically on facebook, you have a tendency to feel violated by strangers who contact you? Who’s to blame?
  • It’s always a great day at work, when a drunk guy you’re trying to help says he wants to drop kick your face…
  • Mark just asked how you spell “cup”. I thought how weird, I’m the bad speller in this relationship. It’s just three letters, do I know how to spell cup right? So very slowly I say, C…U…P. That’s right I fell for it. WOW!
  • To the spider doing a dance in my house: Please don’t do dances in my kitchen of all places. I will find and kill you soon.
  • I’ve gotten myself and 5 children ready for church. Now, just Alan to go, but he’s on his own!
  • I painted my fingernails YELLOW. Trying to think they look like lemonade, vs. urine.
  • Got a free ab lounge!!!! Yeah!!
  • Really sibling? You have access to my facebook and *engaged* is the best you can come up with? So disappointed.
  • Can’t think of anything clever or funny or interesting to report on tonight.
  • Man I am cranky… I’m sure my family is thrilled with this mood!
  • not dead
  • root beer+kit kats+fireworks+making out with my hot wife=a good night!
  • Listening to country music. Haven’t done so in probably 5 years. Its the older stuff though, so its good!
  • If you ever want free food, just stand at the entrance of a water park where food is not allowed.
  • I bet the worst part about the Apocalypse will be Ace of Base telling us how they saw the sign.
  • I’m so sick of non-reciprocating friends!! Thank you to the good ones, I hope you know who you are.
  • happiness is a beautiful blond and tan girl carrying a sousaphone!
  • Today I witnessed a Hospice patient try to light his cigarette with another unlit cigarette, maybe it might be time to quit!!!
  • After eating dinner tonight here was my daughter’s question…. “Dad, how does your food turn into poo? then how does your drink turn into pee? awww the mind of a three yr old, makes me laugh.
  • At home alone on a Friday night… BORING….
  • A giant grasshopper hitched a ride on my wiper blade as I drove home from work today. It clung on while I went 70 on I-15 and everything. It was so funny watching the little guy with his antennas flappin’ in the wind. If grasshoppers could scream, this little dude was goin’ “Waahooo”!
  • SO temtped to have someone give me a Mia Michael’s hair cut……..but scared I would go into shock.
  • Operating on less than one hr of sleep is not going to make work fun today.
  • Both kids just went potty out the door of the van on the side of the freeway. We have officially mastered the “30 sec pit stop and pee” technique!
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, thanks to my awesome friends who supplied the awesome content for today’s post. No disrespect intended. Your status updates made me smile!Which were your favorites?