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Facebook Status Roast #1

For the past several months (when I remember), I’ve been keeping a list of some of the most funny, most clever, most cheesy, most mushy, and most random Facebook status updates I’ve seen roll across my homepage. Enjoy.

  • For all of you interested in algorithms that predict protein structures, it turns out that an online multiplayer game is better at predicting protein structures than the sophisticated software programs we have been spending thousands of dollars on for over the past few years.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me….
  • Dear Tuesday, Tread softly or I’ll toss you out on your $@# like I did Monday.
  • Funniest thing ever: My Mom’s face (she is a retired RN) when some people at the hospital came by my room and offered to let me use the “Therapy Dog”. Hahaha, I will laugh about that forever!
  • I sure love my kids! I can’t wait until I can hug and squeeze them again :)
  • So, woke up from a nap with my son sleeping next to me. Ya it would have been cute if his Gum he was chewing before did not wind up in my ARM PIT!!! Needless to say I don’t Shave my Arm pits!!!
  • I am so in love with my sweet husband. He is so good to me and our two amazing kids… I am so blessed ♥
  • Anyone know a good lawyer? let’s get together and sue Coke for making me fat… no where on the can/box does it warn you that it’s addicting and can cause obesity!
  • Happy 5:06:07, 8/9/10!
  • I’m not a violent person but sometimes I wish I could take a sledgehammer to my computer. Kick it a few times, maybe even spit on it.
  • Sure, I’d love to help u out…now, which way did u come in?
  • Absolute worst thing about being a mommy: Not feeling well and having 2 whiny kids hanging all over you all day long. I love them, but come on.
  • tote dat barge! lift dat bale!
  • ‎”Did you know how it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile?” “How much does it take to pummel a perky guy?”
  • HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! I’m sorry you have to be stuck in the office, in today of all days. ;-) Hope your day is great and full of awesome things!
  • Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? And why is it that I always forget to take it OFF that setting!
  • Work, you never looked sowhat was I saying?
  • Our church building *really* needs a stepping stool for kids in the restrooms. Have you ever tried to lift a 3 year old to wash her hands while holding a 2 year old who is determined to crawl under the bathroom stall door? Difficult.
  • Do you find that even though your publicizing your life basically on facebook, you have a tendency to feel violated by strangers who contact you? Who’s to blame?
  • It’s always a great day at work, when a drunk guy you’re trying to help says he wants to drop kick your face…
  • Mark just asked how you spell “cup”. I thought how weird, I’m the bad speller in this relationship. It’s just three letters, do I know how to spell cup right? So very slowly I say, C…U…P. That’s right I fell for it. WOW!
  • To the spider doing a dance in my house: Please don’t do dances in my kitchen of all places. I will find and kill you soon.
  • I’ve gotten myself and 5 children ready for church. Now, just Alan to go, but he’s on his own!
  • I painted my fingernails YELLOW. Trying to think they look like lemonade, vs. urine.
  • Got a free ab lounge!!!! Yeah!!
  • Really sibling? You have access to my facebook and *engaged* is the best you can come up with? So disappointed.
  • Can’t think of anything clever or funny or interesting to report on tonight.
  • Man I am cranky… I’m sure my family is thrilled with this mood!
  • not dead
  • root beer+kit kats+fireworks+making out with my hot wife=a good night!
  • Listening to country music. Haven’t done so in probably 5 years. Its the older stuff though, so its good!
  • If you ever want free food, just stand at the entrance of a water park where food is not allowed.
  • I bet the worst part about the Apocalypse will be Ace of Base telling us how they saw the sign.
  • I’m so sick of non-reciprocating friends!! Thank you to the good ones, I hope you know who you are.
  • happiness is a beautiful blond and tan girl carrying a sousaphone!
  • Today I witnessed a Hospice patient try to light his cigarette with another unlit cigarette, maybe it might be time to quit!!!
  • After eating dinner tonight here was my daughter’s question…. “Dad, how does your food turn into poo? then how does your drink turn into pee? awww the mind of a three yr old, makes me laugh.
  • At home alone on a Friday night… BORING….
  • A giant grasshopper hitched a ride on my wiper blade as I drove home from work today. It clung on while I went 70 on I-15 and everything. It was so funny watching the little guy with his antennas flappin’ in the wind. If grasshoppers could scream, this little dude was goin’ “Waahooo”!
  • SO temtped to have someone give me a Mia Michael’s hair cut……..but scared I would go into shock.
  • Operating on less than one hr of sleep is not going to make work fun today.
  • Both kids just went potty out the door of the van on the side of the freeway. We have officially mastered the “30 sec pit stop and pee” technique!
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS, thanks to my awesome friends who supplied the awesome content for today’s post. No disrespect intended. Your status updates made me smile!Which were your favorites?
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63 comments
slayerchic2004
slayerchic2004 like.author.displayName 1 Like

Omg! That grasshopper one had me laughing!

activities for toddlers
activities for toddlers

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Jennifer
Jennifer

the grasshopper one was the funniest, but i also liked root beer+kit kats+fireworks+making out with my hot wife=a good night! that one made me smile
My recent post Day 8 - A picture that makes me laugh

Mika Virgil
Mika Virgil

I totally relate to the burnt toast comment. I mean, WHO even USES that setting?! How does my toaster keep inching it's way to the "inedible" setting?! I think the roaches are sneaking inside at night to screw with me for killing all their family members. O.o

Laura
Laura

hahahahaha, thank you, so awesome!

Laura
Laura

Haha, I love reading these sorts of things :)
My recent post Chaos

scorpria
scorpria

The best was "Sure, I'd love to help u out...now, which way did u come in?" ROFL material!!

Jen
Jen

I had the grasshopper thing happen to me last summer. He almost made it the 10 miles into town. I even took a picture of him "hitching a ride"!!!

The Snarky Princess
The Snarky Princess

Patience, my little grasshopper....
At least he knew well enough to hang on so he wouldn't splat on another windshield!
My recent post Konadicure- Tigress or Garfield You Decide!!

Marcella
Marcella

THIS WAS AWESOME!!
Thanks for sharing Dan!
My recent post Why the silence

BloggyDaddy
BloggyDaddy

The "Ace of Base" one was clever and my favorite. I'm thinking of thieving that one for myself. Hee Hee!
My recent post The Earth Moved

jill brush
jill brush

hot wife, ace of base, and wahooo!!! hilarious! thanks for sharing! I often think about making a list of my fave friends profiles too! =)

Kristen
Kristen

Fun! I also have exceptionally amusing friends (seriously, *every* time I check FB there's something on there that makes me laugh!), and I love it. Great idea! :O)
My recent post Close Encounters of the Arachnid Kind

jen
jen

My fav...I don't shave my arm pits...YIKES. I sure hope that was a man who had gum stuck in their arm pit hair!!!
My recent post she was an Irish women

LukesPa
LukesPa

Like the Grasshopper n Toast updates. But love the 30 second pit stop!! My son and I have it down to about 20 seconds. I think he actually prefers peeing outside at this point: )

Ginger Mann Pierce
Ginger Mann Pierce

Since I was looking for the "Like" link for some of those, I have obviously been spending too much time on Facebook! Wish I could have seen the grasshopper's little face. LOL

Spencer
Spencer

My favorite was the "Grasshopper" followed by the "Hospic Patient", thanks for sharing.
My recent post If only I could see my life they way I see the lives of other people

Kathryn Stacy
Kathryn Stacy

The grasshopper status is priceless! Definitely my favorite!

I do hope you plan to do this regularly! I know that I have a very....interesting...group of friends that are great for a laugh (as well as other things), so it's fun to see what other people post on Facebook!

Alex
Alex

5:06:07 8/9/10
:)

Sabrina
Sabrina

My hubby and I are the funny ones of our friends so I dont get many like that, but really loved these. Tried not to laugh to loudly because the little one is cleaning her room.. voluntarily, so I dont want to distract her. I dont even think I can pick a favorite of those. they are all great.

Happy Pi day everyone. :P

Teachinfourth
Teachinfourth

Good old Ace of Base knew what they were talking about, didn't they?

My recent post Moments with Joey – Music Time on Friday

Andrea
Andrea

Love it! what a great way to start my day - laughing out loud. I love the grasshopper, but the armpit hair is a little to much info...I bet she shaves now!
My recent post Week 7- Lagniappe for this week

Tricia Tise
Tricia Tise

Several funny ones but loved, "Not Dead"

_Quixotic_
_Quixotic_

My favorite was the Apocalypse/Ace of Base one - I literally laughed out loud!! My best friend and I laugh everytime we hear that song - when we were kids we were singling along to it on the radio, you know, "I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign" and then in perfect unison "do do do do do da do" because neither of us knew the rest of the lyrics. To this day, we still call each other anytime we hear it on the radio :P I love best friends :)

Yet another great post, Dan - I hope you do it again :)
My recent post Thinspiration - Are You Kidding Me

beyondthedragons
beyondthedragons

I'm thinking about reposting the Monday/Tuesday one. I identify with the Alan one. I once actually did go to the car and tell my husband that I could sit in the car and honk if he'd go get the kids ready. Which is only one reason he's now my ex.
My recent post Ma & Pa K Go to the Apple Store

Jeff1138
Jeff1138

Those are hilarious. What did we do before we had facebook statuses to laugh at?
My recent post The Low Battery Detector

Aleksander Joseph Fleischer
Aleksander Joseph Fleischer

We had nothing but bad non-laugh-atable Facebook statuses.
My recent post Ranting about people ranting about jealousy

_Quixotic_
_Quixotic_

No kidding! This thought was just going through my head :)
My recent post Thinspiration - Are You Kidding Me

Cindy
Cindy

over 5 million people have visited this blog. Wow! Dan, how do you find the time to read it all?

Cindy
Cindy

Thanks for making me laugh at grasshopper - poor little guy - and the toast. I never really thought about that before.

Jolene
Jolene

The Grasshopper one is my favorite.

cherryl
cherryl

OMG I loved the "Sibling post... the best u can come up with is engaged???" hahahahahha just give me 60 seconds with one of my siblings open facebook pages... I could wreck havoc and have sooooo MUCH FUN in the process! (and of course they would reciprocated in the same manner given the chance!)
Thanks for the chuckles tonight Dan!

Alicia Dawn
Alicia Dawn

"Pummel a perky guy" is my favorite by far, but I totally relate to the Coke addict. :)
My recent post Feel It

fxgeorges
fxgeorges

Well basically because we (especially Mike) were putting a fair bit of time into it, doing interviews/writing articles etc. and not really getting anything out of it bar a few write off comments. i guess the world just wasnt ready for the roast haha. pretty much the only comments the last few posts had were just people getting angry at the blog or not understanding it. hopefully you'll be seeing a few of mikes articles here and there on the net and in print

Trischia Wadey
Trischia Wadey

personal fave = the one about pummeling the perky guy :)

restlessmind
restlessmind

I like the "not dead" status. It's a status alright. :)
My recent post Current Emotional State

Olivia
Olivia

I liked the help you out one:D

Liz Fiorentino
Liz Fiorentino

The dad in the church with the two kids had me laughing in sympathy :/ I have a 16-month-old who thinks it's hilarious to run away as soon as his cute little feet hit the floor....

Christine
Christine

The mental picture of a grass hopper yelling "WAHOO!" was exactly what I needed! lol

Teri
Teri

Yes, sounds like "grasshopper" is the winner!! It was my favorite too!

Andrea
Andrea

A friend of mine posted this today "I feel like 10 year old Kevin would be disappointed that 27 year old Kevin doesn't own a hoverboard." I thought it was pretty funny.

Krikit
Krikit

LUV the *toast/toaster* one!!! ~:D

Renita Nunley-Ruiz
Renita Nunley-Ruiz

Dan,
I NEEDED that so bad! Thank you.. and the "Grass Hopper" won hands down!

Seabreeze
Seabreeze

Those are great! You have more fun friends than I do. I need a new batch of FB friends..lol

Kat Anne Werder
Kat Anne Werder

It takes 43 muscles to frown
17 muscles to smile
BUT it only takes 3 muscles for proper trigger squeeze.

theginabean
theginabean

Hands down, it was the Apocalypse/Ace of Base comment. Bwa ha!

Also worth mentioning: whoever it was that had the grasshopper riding home on his/her car; we have totally different perspectives on grasshoppers! They gross me out, and I'd have been the one screaming and freaking out. Very likely, I'd have turned on the windshield wipers to get rid of the creepy bug. *shudder*

And don't you judge me; fear of grasshoppers is a real thing! It's called acridophobia. For realsies.

Other irrational fears: http://theginabean2.blogspot.com/2010/08/ick.html
My recent post click

Joslinda
Joslinda

Fantastic post. I laughed all the way through it. Thanks! Yep, I needed that.
My recent post Reflections

Stephanie Schiess
Stephanie Schiess

You have no clue how many I wanted to click "like" on... Possibly all of them. LOL Love it!