Time for another installment of “Grandmas Say the Darndest Things!”

Back in November I asked my Facebook followers to share the funniest thing they’d ever heard an old person say. These posts are a compilation of those responses. As a word of warning, I’ve tried to keep this post as clean as possible, but there are a lot of things said by “old” people that might be a little “off-color.” Like I said last time, if that will offend you, come back tomorrow! As for me, there aren’t a lot of things I find funnier.

If you missed the first one, you can read it here. If you missed the second one, you can read it here. They were both filled with all sorts of awesomeness.

  • Me to Grandma (then 87) “Are you still volunteering at the hospital?” Gram, “Yep, somebody’s gotta wheel those old farts back to their rooms!”
  • After having 4 kids in 3 years, my grandmother told me to cross my legs, not my fingers.
  • My granddad was waiting (impatiently) on my grandma to get herself ready so that they could leave. She announced that she only had her makeup left to do, to which my granddad replied “I don’t know why you bother. It’s like painting an old barn. Put on as many coats as you want, it’s still an old barn.”
  • This old guy once told me that I was a “good looking gal”. Then followed up with, “I’m blind in one eye”.
  • I tried to hold the door open for an elderly man and he motioned for me to go ahead. He said, “cant see the wiggle if I’m in front!”
  • My great grandfather used to tell us the story about how he was in the hospital and had a horrible nurse who referred to every patient as “we” and was horribly condescending. One morning she brought in a specimen cup for a urine sample. When she came back for it, she noticed it was very dark. She sternly said, “We aren’t drinking enough water, are we? That is very dark.” He opened the lid, inspected the contents of the cup and said, “You’re right. We’ll just run that through again, shall we?”With that, he drank it in one shot. She was so upset she stormed out of the room and refused to care for him for the entire rest of his stay. It was apple juice.
  • To my brother about getting his ears pierced – “Well, your mom’s got some tampons in the bathroom, if you want to try those too…”
  • My mom cooked chicken “for the vegetarians” for a large BBQ at their house.
  • My great grandparents didn’t dress in front of each other often and one day granny was changing her clothes and my granddaddy says “I sneaked a peek.” (they had been married for 69 years)
  • At Thanksgiving last week, I said I would text something to my older sister in Michigan. My grandma replied, “You can send text messages all the way to Michigan?!”
  • My grandma is a very religious woman and never swears. One day she got really mad about something and said “I’m so angry I could say damn!”
  • I got my grandma a manicure at a salon for Christmas. She loved it so much that she called my mom and told her she was going to go back and get a “pedophile” next.
  • “I don’t believe in divorce, but I do believe in murder.”
  • My great aunt Jo had a single mastectomy and had no inclination to get a fake one put in – “too old, dear.” She came in one day and told us she was changing her name to Eileen. We all looked puzzled and after a beat, she said, “I lean to the left now.”
  • A resident of the nursing home where my best friend worked once told us she had “furniture disease.” Her explanation of this little-known disorder? “That’s when your chest falls into your drawers.”
  • My great grandmother was a very religious woman, who would never swear. When my son was little, he sucked his fingers, and she intended to say that he was a “finger sucker.” Instead, she called him a “singing f***er.” Our whole family was speechless.
  • While putting fruit in a plastic bag: “make sure you get all the air out of the bag. We don’t want to have to pay for it…”
  • When I asked my Gramma if a pair of pants made me look fat, she said, “no sweetie. Vision makes you look fat.”
  • “Water and sh– roll down hill and pay day is friday!” (he was a plumber)
  • A 94 year old patient of mine… I asked her what her biggest regret was… after little thought she said…” I should have had more affairs with men…”
  • ‎”Never fart if you have diarrhea”
  • “Don’t ever ask a woman anything about her pregnancy unless you can see a baby coming out of her.”
  • “Be careful. And if you’re not, name it after me!”
  • “If I knew I was going to be looking at this face so long, I would have taken better care of it!”
  • “Don’t take yourself seriously. No one else does.”

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say (knowing that I might use it in a future post)?

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!