Time for another installment of “Grandmas Say the Darndest Things!”
Back in November I asked my Facebook followers to share the funniest thing they’d ever heard an old person say. These posts are a compilation of those responses. As a word of warning, I’ve tried to keep this post as clean as possible, but there are a lot of things said by “old” people that might be a little “off-color.” Like I said last time, if that will offend you, come back tomorrow! As for me, there aren’t a lot of things I find funnier.
- Me to Grandma (then 87) “Are you still volunteering at the hospital?” Gram, “Yep, somebody’s gotta wheel those old farts back to their rooms!”
- After having 4 kids in 3 years, my grandmother told me to cross my legs, not my fingers.
- My granddad was waiting (impatiently) on my grandma to get herself ready so that they could leave. She announced that she only had her makeup left to do, to which my granddad replied “I don’t know why you bother. It’s like painting an old barn. Put on as many coats as you want, it’s still an old barn.”
- This old guy once told me that I was a “good looking gal”. Then followed up with, “I’m blind in one eye”.
- I tried to hold the door open for an elderly man and he motioned for me to go ahead. He said, “cant see the wiggle if I’m in front!”
- My great grandfather used to tell us the story about how he was in the hospital and had a horrible nurse who referred to every patient as “we” and was horribly condescending. One morning she brought in a specimen cup for a urine sample. When she came back for it, she noticed it was very dark. She sternly said, “We aren’t drinking enough water, are we? That is very dark.” He opened the lid, inspected the contents of the cup and said, “You’re right. We’ll just run that through again, shall we?”With that, he drank it in one shot. She was so upset she stormed out of the room and refused to care for him for the entire rest of his stay. It was apple juice.
- To my brother about getting his ears pierced – “Well, your mom’s got some tampons in the bathroom, if you want to try those too…”
- My mom cooked chicken “for the vegetarians” for a large BBQ at their house.
- My great grandparents didn’t dress in front of each other often and one day granny was changing her clothes and my granddaddy says “I sneaked a peek.” (they had been married for 69 years)
- At Thanksgiving last week, I said I would text something to my older sister in Michigan. My grandma replied, “You can send text messages all the way to Michigan?!”
- My grandma is a very religious woman and never swears. One day she got really mad about something and said “I’m so angry I could say damn!”
- I got my grandma a manicure at a salon for Christmas. She loved it so much that she called my mom and told her she was going to go back and get a “pedophile” next.
- “I don’t believe in divorce, but I do believe in murder.”
- My great aunt Jo had a single mastectomy and had no inclination to get a fake one put in – “too old, dear.” She came in one day and told us she was changing her name to Eileen. We all looked puzzled and after a beat, she said, “I lean to the left now.”
- A resident of the nursing home where my best friend worked once told us she had “furniture disease.” Her explanation of this little-known disorder? “That’s when your chest falls into your drawers.”
- My great grandmother was a very religious woman, who would never swear. When my son was little, he sucked his fingers, and she intended to say that he was a “finger sucker.” Instead, she called him a “singing f***er.” Our whole family was speechless.
- While putting fruit in a plastic bag: “make sure you get all the air out of the bag. We don’t want to have to pay for it…”
- When I asked my Gramma if a pair of pants made me look fat, she said, “no sweetie. Vision makes you look fat.”
- “Water and sh– roll down hill and pay day is friday!” (he was a plumber)
- A 94 year old patient of mine… I asked her what her biggest regret was… after little thought she said…” I should have had more affairs with men…”
- ”Never fart if you have diarrhea”
- “Don’t ever ask a woman anything about her pregnancy unless you can see a baby coming out of her.”
- “Be careful. And if you’re not, name it after me!”
- “If I knew I was going to be looking at this face so long, I would have taken better care of it!”
- “Don’t take yourself seriously. No one else does.”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say (knowing that I might use it in a future post)?
I was riding in the back seat while my Grandpa was driving and my Grandma was sitting next to him complaining about everything he was doing wrong. After a while of nagging and him ignoring her, she said, "Don't make me say, "Don't make me have to kill you!" because then when I do it, they'll know it was me!"
My grandmother once said to my brother (10) and I (16); "Now normally we wouldn't stop here because this is the nigger's Walmart, but babies need diapers NOW not later, so stay in the car and lock the doors." She left and my little brother just looked at me "She doesn't even realise that's not okay, does she?" Ohhh man. I did a good job raising my brother though, yikes!!
i became ...err...active at the age of 13, and my Gramma, bless her, never judged. but she sure did shock.
Me: thanks for picking me up from the clinic Oma..
Her: No problem. whats in the bag?
Me: *awkward* uh...birth control and condoms. *cough ahem*
Her: They come in colors? 'Cause if they do i want red green and yellow. like the stop lights.
Me: *speechless* uhhh....what you need them for? *hands them over as i said it*
Her: what? you think just because me and your granpa are old we dont do it anymore? Equip works just fine girl.
Me: *groan* tmi Oma....*chuckling and shaking my head*
Sadly My gramma had a car accident with some minor injuries, but a few weeks later (right before Thanks Giving), she had a heart attack. This convo was one of the last funny ones i ever had with her. I miss her everyday.
We were all admiring an elderly aunt's new hair style. She told us she had gone to the new "bisexual" salon in town. It took us a few moments to realize, she meant "unisex".
GRANDMA: Would you like a cookie, dear?
ME: Grandma, there are nuts in there; I'm allergic.
GRANDMA: Ah, you'll be fine; just have a cookie!
GRANDMA: Please make those nurses let me keep my teeth in when I'm dying, because I just look awful without them!
My grandpa used to be in the army and always wears a military hair cut. When we grandkids used to visit he would always ask us if we knew how he got his hair so short. He said, your grandma just digs a hole in the yard, I sit in it and she runs the mower over my head.
there was a time when my sister and mom were visiting my grandma in her nursing home and they came back and told me all about it. my grandma has a sunflower seed addiction. yes, sunflower seeds (among diet coke and other things)...well, one day, she was trying to talk, all the while stuffing more and more of the seeds into her mouth. they started spilling out everywhere, falling down her "blouse" and everything. she stopped in mid-speech and exclaimed "I'm spittin' seeds!" and actually spat several seeds out as she said it.
My grandmother's sister was out to lunch with us one day. We had been out to lunch at a very nice restaurant and she was ready to go home. She said "This has been a wonderful afternoon and I don't know when I have enjoyed myself this much but I have shot my wad. I'm ready to go home." She meant she had "spent her money" i.e. I have shot my wad of cash.... It was so funny. Her granddaughter and I laughed until we cried. Both grandma and aunt were raised in a relatively sheltered home. They wondered why we were laughing and we just couldn't even think of a way to tell them or explain it.
"Don't ever ask a woman anything about her pregnancy unless you can see a baby coming out of her."
This one really resonated with me. Having a weight problem (yes, of my own making 'cause I eat too much)I have had many people ask me when I was "due" or where my baby was. Hmm, it's always super fun to say "There's no baby. I am just fat." They get so pissed at you for embarassing them, but then I say "Well, I guess you know how embarassed I felt by your question now."
The other day my grandma was rubbing the inside of my son's mouth to see if he was teething and she said, "You've gotta rub the velvet off their gums like the velvet on a baby deer's horns." Uhh... What? ha.
Oh my word! How on Earth you manage to type (copy/paste/format?) these I dunno. I was dying laughing at them! :D
My recent post One Year
My Grandma, while enjoying an apparently DELICIOUS piece of pizza, proclaims to all at the dinner table, "Oh my GONADS, oh my GONADS, this pizza is good!!" She honestly had no idea what gonads are. LOL Love her, and miss her so much.
The day before our wedding we were visiting with some out of town guests when I started talking to an older guy, he nudged my arm and pointed to his wife "See her over there? We've been married 40 years... I've been thinkin about trading her in for a younger model"
To which another guest said "Who are you kidding you wouldn't know what to do with a younger version..."
Old guys are funny!
My Grandpa has a hearing problem from years of working with loud machinery. He often cannot hear my Grandma speaking and she gets so furious calling after him all the time. I'll say, she's a bit of a fussy woman.
In my early 20's , one summer evening my grandpa and I went fishing together. Well, I was curled up at the front of the canoe with a book, he did the majority of the fishing. It was nice and calm out on the lake. The canoe had suddenly jerked as my Grandfather turned to see a fish I heard jump from a very far distance. I looked back at him...he just smiled and said...don't tell your Grandmother!
My nephew was ranting and raving about his cousin coming over to their house and taking things. My mother (then 100 years old) was worried he would upset the family even more. She said to him, "Bill, there's a saying that goes "The more you stir the poop, the worse it stinks" and he shut up. I almost fainted.
In regards to "loose" women, my grandfather used to say, "if she had as many poking out as she has poking in, she would look like a porcupine."
My friend of 50 years and I were eating when a an elderly lady winked at my friend.I said,"know her?" "Yea'h,he said, but two old batteries don't make much sparks."
I was 12, and sitting in the backseat of our car with my mother and grandmother in the front seat. A Two Small Men with Big Hearts Moving Co truck pulled up in the lane beside us, and my grandmother proclaimed "Two small men with big hearts? You mean, two small men with big dicks!" I was mortified :)
My whole family was sitting in church on Mother's Day. This was a very strict Holiness Church that my Aunt attended. During a very quiet portion of the service, my Grandmother said rather loudly "I have to Piss".
We all turned and looked at her. She then said (also loudly) "Well, Piss sounds better than pee to me".
My grandma who had very perky breasts up until the day she died at 90 year old. And also made homemade bread weekly. Once gave my cousin advise on how to keep her boobs perky. "Wear your bra night and day, and kneed that dough."
My dear sweet, not as elderly as she speaks, mother has had multiple back surgeries and was continuing to have problems. While playing bunco (a room full of 12 women ranging from cocktail waitress to bishop's wife) a woman asked her what the doctor was going to do with her now. She replied "He wants to screw me, but I just don't know if I want that thing in me." After the laughter settled she explained he wants to surgically put screws in her back, but she is concerned about the hardware. I love my mom for so many reasons, including always entertaining!
Shortly before I got married, my grandma asked me if I bought something to wear on my wedding night. I told her that I hadn't bought anything yet. She says "well make sure to get a nightgown - it's easier to get off in a hurry". I couldn't believe my grandma was talking to me about my "wedding night attire"!!! My husband left me (and our daughters) a few years later because he liked another woman's "attire" more than mine.....which actually was a blessing considering it turned out to be an abusive marriage. Anyhow, grandmas do say the darndest things, don't they? I miss my grandparents terribly.
"I don't believe in divorce, but I do believe in murder." My grandma (b. 1920) says this all the time!
She also told me at age 18: "Men are like street cars. You get off the one going in the wrong direction and wait for another one."
In reference to work my Grandpa always said "Be careful, the toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow"
Wearing skinny jeans at the grocery an old man looked at my legs and said, "Shew lawl, those sure are tight. You shouldn't try to put 10lbs of sugar in a 5lb bag."
I work in automotive retail. An older gentleman outfitted like a cattle rancher came in requesting some new wiper blades for his truck. After making sure I had product in stock I asked him to the counter to write him a sales ticket. I began by asking him for his phone number, the first blank when writing an order. He looks at me funny and leans in to the counter, "What, You want to be my boyfriend?" he asks deadpanning. After a few seconds he starts laughing. Got me.
"I always vote for the most handsome presidential candidate." Upon seeing my shocked reaction she continued, "They ALL lie and tell us what they think we WANT to hear. But I'd rather look at a good looking guy for the next four years!"
My mother; very precise and very southern.
1. Moving us into our first house..."I have burned better mattress's than this"
2. Impeding birth of #2...."Perhaps you can keep him off of you in the recovery room this time dear"
3. Weekend with our 3 boys..."I swear Traci, those three could tear up a steel ball"
4. My first son had discovered his pieces and parts...."Well, you might as well calm down, once they find it, they really never are able to let it go"
A patient of mine about 83 years old was angry at another nurse on my floor. I was trying to figure out which one she meant...she says "you know...the one that looks like a barrell of A$$holes"...I couldn't help but laugh.
My grandmother used to call obituaries OBLITuaries. Never could get her to say it right.
My recent post Dating Age Range
When I became pregnant before my ex-husband and I were married, we went to visit his Great Grandmother. We thought it best not tell her how far along I was because of how old fashion her generation was. Well, I was showing somewhat and had on a lose shirt...she walked over and patted my stomach and said that I looked a little big for just getting pregnant, then she said to me with a wink, "you don't have to worry about me being shocked, I watch a lot of soap operas."
We were visiting my husband's Great Aunt one time and we had gone out to Taco Bell to get burritos to bring back for dinner. Curious what she thought about the burrito since she had never had one before, she replied "hell and damnation!"
My grandma, while looking at a mail order music club form, spotted an album by an old rock group The Guess Who & made the comment "I don't want to have to GUESS who it's by,I want to know!"
Another time when expecting company she was telling us where to find more blankets. Meaning to say Afghans out instead came "I have some Africans in a box out in the shed". Oh faux pas!
OK I just thought of one that someone told me...it was my daughters neighbor. We live really close to the space center in Brevard County and I believe that the woman who told us works at the Space Center. Apparently an older woman asked her if the "launch window" was clean because she wants a good view of the launch. That cracked me up. (for those who do not get it the launch window is not an ACTUAL window but a time frame in which the shuttle can launch)
I absolutely love these blog entries. I love elderly people and have been fortunate to have many in my life. I knew three of my great-grandparents and got to really get to know my great-grandmas, as they lived until I was about 20. I had all my grand-parents until I was in my thirties and my last two grandparents until I was 48. I had gotten to an age that when I talked about them, people would ask, "you still have grandparents?" My maternal grandma and my paternal grandpa died within one week of one another in 2005. I have so many great, funny things, but more important, I got to benefit from their wisdom. What I treasure most, though, is that I listened to them, from the time I was a really little kid and now I feel like I am the keeper of their family stories.
My grandfather was known to be impatient and an all around pain in the wazoo. One day, while visiting, he decided it was time to go home and went to wait in the car. My grandmother looked out the window and saw him sitting there. She said, "I swear to God! Men! If we could put them in a closet and bring them out when we wanted to make babies or have a little fun, we would be SO much better off!"
These are hysterical!
Funniest thing I've heard from my Grandmother....
We were at her sister's funeral. Aunt Mona had gotten quite...erm... senile in her last years and none of realized that Gramma was heading that way herself. After she walked up to me and my then-boyfriend and said, "Did you know my sister Mona?" I nodded and said, "Well, yes..." She smiles, glances at the coffin and says, "She was a B***H!"
There was nothing to do but smother some serious laughter.
One year at Thanksgiving, we were sitting around the table while my Grandma and Mom were dishing out ice cream. After a few minutes of struggling with dishing the ice cream out, we heard "DAMN IT" as the container went sailing across the kitchen. My Grandpa just looked down and shook his head. We of course made sure to ignore the fact my Grandma cursed, even though we were all snickering.
I was working at a department store when an old guy comes up to check out. He leans in real close and looks at my name tag on my chest, mispronounces my name and continues talking. He says to me, "Don't worry dear I was just looking at your name , nothing else. We have a pleasant enough conversation and as he's leaving tells me, "I was looking at more, but I'm 89, and there's nothing you can do about it!"
I laughed so hard, because he's right!
Two of my grandparents died in the summer of 2010. Thanks to this post, today I remember them with a smile instead of a tear. This was a great read. Thanks.
My recent post Parenting mistake- I allowed my child to be bullied
Does it count if it's something she did? In her strict Catholic family, the oldest daughter was expected to join a convent. Instead, my grandmother deliberately went out and got herself pregnant at 16 YO with her boyfriend, who she later married (that pregnancy was my father). They went on to have 3 more children and were married for 62 years, when my grandpa passed away. I've been told I'm "exactly like your grandmother" which I take as a huge compliment. :)
I was at my "crabby" Grandmother's house, and was trying to hurry in the bathroom, (as she would need it because I was in it) she started complaining about how long I took, no wonder "that man wont marry her, she takes too long to get ready") so i hurried and pulled my hair up as best I could, came out, said Goodmorning, her answer:" No wonder that man wont marry her, when she comes out looking like that!" ( By the way, me and "that man" have been together for 22 yrs!
The day after our wedding we went to our new church meetings. They introduced us as just having gotten married the day before, and a woman in her '80's, as we were walking out of church, yelled, "Be good, you kids! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"