The other day, we pulled into the driveway, got out of the car, and I asked Noah if he wanted to come check the mail with me. He eagerly said he did, so we made the trek across the driveway, over to the mailbox. I opened the box and reached for the mail, and at the same time heard a tiny grunt. I looked over and was surprised to see Noah looking frustrated and defeated. “What’s the matter?” I asked him.
There’s no doubt that my brain quite naturally gravitates toward this pattern. My whole life I’ve struggled to force myself to pay much closer attention to those around me and to what they are saying. Heaven knows that I’ve ticked off girlfriends and wives far too many times. The excuse, “that’s just the way my brain works,” doesn’t seem to cut it.
Nobody likes repeating themselves, including four-year olds. I feel like I’m a damn good dad most of the time, but this is definitely something I’ve gotta work on. I think Noah has a right to be frustrated.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. I’d love to hear your thoughts? Anybody else struggle with this? Anybody else find that they have a hard time keeping tuned into whatever’s going on in the moment?
OK, I tried really hard to listen to my kids for a couple day. I tried to pay attention to EVERYTHING they say. I'm tired and so are my ears. In true technology form, I blogged it right back at ya. http://www.whykidsaregreat.blogspot.com/2012/08/tired.html
ALL THE TIME!!
I zone out a lot!!! It's so bad and when I think about it, it seems selfish to me. For instance, a majority of the time when I am telling my mom a story or talking to her about something I have her full attention. She is one of those people who if you mention you like something (example: a necklace in a catalog), 99.9% of the time, you will receive it as a gift the next upcoming holiday or celebration. Those rare times that she is preoccupied with something else annoys me and I practically (shamefully) whine about how she's not really listening. YET, I've noticed that MANY times when my mom is telling ME a story, I either zone out or am focused on something else (such as tv or the computer) and I barely listen or remember what she has told me. It's awful and writing this makes me feel even worse! I REALLY need to work on this. Thanks for opening my eyes up to this and making me realize that it's a problem.
Just read this one today, and it resonated with me. I think I zone out MOST of the time. My kids and my fiance' are all starting to suffer. I am suddenly realizing that maybe it was ME all those years with all my other failed relationships. It's a tough thing to realize about yourself, and I have a LOT of learning and change to do, along with listening. Thanks for posting, Dan.
I see exactly wheat you are getting at here, Dan, and I do it myself sometimes. God knows, I can be vague as the next person - maybe even more so sometimes! But I want to point something out. The world is full of frustrations to our little ones, and sometimes we parents end up being part of those frustrations. If we miss the cues (which is often what it is, more than us actively ignoring them), we can make up right after. If we are jolted back to their kid-height reality by their disappointment or upset, we can get straight down there on their level and connect with them. We can be there for there while they work through their disappointment. If there's one thing that I remember from my own childhood that was worse than my parents missing my cues, it was when they dismissed my need/desire altogether. By offering them our arms or our understanding by letting them know, "You really wanted that, didn't you? I'm sorry it didn't work out. Let's make a plan to do it next time, and you can remind me loud and clear." OK, we missed the cue - parenting fail. But we all fail. We're all human. For instance, as a mother (it goes for fathers, too) I have to remember to NOT beat myself up if I try to work out what my baby needs and she just keeps crying. At the end of trying everything - even if I get everything wrong - I can still be there for my baby through my baby's disappointment and frustration.
What I'm trying to say is, even though as a parent you may have failed, you are still the Big Person in this situation, with the ability to turn this situation into good. If you crumple into a self-berating heap (not that I'm suggesting that's what you do, but I have seen some parents do it on occasion, myself included) when you make a mistake with your kids, it will confuse them. They might pick up on your distress and their distress will increase yet again with complexity. And if it's a pattern, it might just drive them nuts. "Oh great, Dad's getting on his pity pot again. Come on Dad, it's not so bad. I'll get over it. Just stay with me while I get over it and I'll be sure to get over it."
It's true - it's easy to deflate a child. So damn easy it can be scary sometimes. But as long as you remain open to them despite those inevitable moments when you vague out, then they'll be OK. As long as it's vagueness, and not a deliberate dismissal of their desire or need, then they'll be OK. In fact, if they always get precisely what they want every single time, they might grow up believing that the world really is that perfect. Better to learn how to process and handle mild disappointments in the hands of a loving and "present" parent. By being present for your child's disappointments, you can turn a bad situation (you missed their cue) into a good one (you acknowledged the child's distress, you said sorry, you promised to try harder next time, and you acknowledged their real desire/need for the thing they wanted.)
Thanks for the post, it was thought-provoking.
This post made me...wince. I saw too much of me there.
Hey, you swore. ;)
Same thing here yesterday. I had my son, but my daughter was getting her boots on. Came in with the mail, she was disappointed. We spend most of our lives trying to figure out how to do things on auto pilot. Kids are definitely a manual process.
My son is 4 in two days and I do EXACTLY the same thing sometimes. I keep remembering the book Bones Would Rain From The Sky and reminding myself to make my interactions an "event of quality". Great post :-)
I think we all do this, but now my kids are 8 and 6, so I've become used to them asking, and I try to be good about obliging. Eventually you get it - not only does it make your life a wee bit easier when the kids are so eager to help, but you see the sense of accomplishment in their eyes. It's really special to see that they're so proud of themselves. But it's true, at his age it takes some getting used to that they are, in fact, old enough to handle these tasks themselves. He's growing up! Enjoy it :)
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One of the conundrums and wonders of having children is that just when you learn to hear one type of thing your child is saying they grow and change and say something new. How AWESOME is it that Noah can do all kinds of new things and is telling you he wants to do them! You'll listen and you'll get used to letting him do those things. Then he'll come up with the next set of things he can and wants to do and you will again be so used to doing them for him that you'll fail to hear him ... a few times ;-)
Some unpleasant math: Being a single parent adds to the child's needs, divides our time, subtracts from their security, and multiplies our need to reinforce and reassure them.
This post made me feel like a child again--remembering all the times I said "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" and all the times when I failed and had to ask for help. I'm still strong-headed, but I'm learning to ask for help...
This post makes me feel grateful. I'm grateful for your insight, for sharing it so we all know it's not just us, AND for bringing awareness to those few who may not have had this insight until reading this. We all need to be present when we are with our loved ones, just as we all need to reflect when we are alone. As always, thanks, Dan!
This post makes me feel like I'm not alone.
And also reminds me that it's something I need to be working on as well. I do remember my daughter being at the height of that at the age of 4, and at that time I was also hugely pregnant with my son, single, and in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in, but ..
oh man, I can't even get into this without falling apart! I was a terrible mom then. Terrible. And while it turned her into a mature, wise, loving, and understanding child far beyond her years... I wish she hadn't had to learn all that so early.
She looks at me at times like that and says "mom, you're having a hard day huh" and gives me a hug.
:'( :'( :'(
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Oh, lordy, kids. They are so very much wiser than we are. I never had children, but I did teach quite a few hundred over the years. And every time I stopped to really listen, I learned something new and valuable about how to teach them better.
I can only imagine the chagrin when it's a child of your own soul and yet you miss an important message. I think you probably hear more than most. Hang in there, love him, and keep an ear out. Holler if you need a reminder!
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This was a great post, and I really appreciated it. I try very hard to listen, but fail at it just as hard. Get your head off of yourself, is a saying I heard recently, along with your post I feel like I have some self-examining to do.
Ouch. Hit a little close too home. I am a master at Zoning Out! :(
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Big hugs to you for realizing what's been going on!! Mindful parenting isn't the easiest path, but the extra thought and self-examination is always worth it... have you ever heard of The Daily Groove by Scott Noelle? Great book AND website (www.enjoyparenting.com).." target="_blank"> " target="_blank">(www.enjoyparenting.com)... keep up the great work :D
I wonder if this excuse will work for Noah when he's a teenager?
He could certainly go "Hey Dad, it's just how my brain works!" Then you'll be able to pen a post "Like Father, Like Son". :D
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This holds so true in my life too. And right about when my little one was four and has just now turned five. Reading body language from our children is so important. Now I try to repeat back what she says to me to ensure I catch the jist. She seems to have blossomed immensely with the new listening I'm doing. It's like someone finally watered a dying flower and now it has perked up. Great catch Dan!
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You're right to work on it, and you're also right when you say that excuses "don't cut it." Those "most important" relationships - our spouse/S.O and child/ren - are the ones that will forever require 'our utmost for their highest.' Keep up the good work Dan. Keep up the growing. You're giving Noah the very best example of growing into manhood he could have!
I do this to my four year old, subconsciously, all the time.
Makes me feel horrible, but sometimes, life gets in the way of parenting.
Just trying to do what's right for him, in the long run, that the present gets shuffled around.
Does that make sense?
I feel for you.
Really, I do
I probably haven't even noticed really until you wrote this post.... I will try and pay more attention now. With 5 kids it gets hard though.
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I think you're being a little too hard on yourself. We can't expect ourselves, as parents, to be 100% "tuned in" all the time. I think its healthy for kids to see that their parents are human too, we make mistakes, and sometimes we disengage and/or have other things on our minds. I think we need to be realistic and let some things go. And maybe I'm just saying this because I have 3 kids and a husband, and my attention is constantly divided (my 9 year old son is ridiculously mentally draining...he NEVER stops talking and wanting my attention!)...who knows? But being totally tuned in to all of them all the time is impossible!
I'm not trying to argue with you - I definitely see your point - but I think as parents we need to realize we can't be perfect all the time, we still make mistakes, and sometimes we do zone out or have other things on our minds....and that's okay!
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We all do stuff like this. All of us. Still - we can try to do better. When my kids say or do something (unkind, inappropriate, etc) we have a system to immediately fix it. Assuming I am in good mommy mode & catch it, I will say "REDO". They immediately get to try again & say the phase kinder, praise instead of put down, find a different word if they cussed, or give back the toy & nicely ask to use/ see/ have the toy. Lately, mom has not been so kind with her tones & so sometimes dad will call "redo" on mommy. ~it is a wonderful system I picked up from I don't know where, but it works.
~Maybe you could try the "redo". "Oops, dad's brain stopped working for a second, of course you can get the mail out. Let me just put it back, and you can get it out for me"
It is a really good thing when they start to be more independent, but it is hard to remember to let them do it when you have been doing it for so long. Keep up the good work Dan!
I love that idea!!! I'm going to have to try it in our house.
I kind of relate too except my 6 year old typically waits till I've done the thing to tell me he wanted to do it. I'm sure there are times he gets his request in soon enough but the times he doesn't I don't know how to respond. Am I over compensating by putting the mail back in the box for him to get, opening the door so he can open it again?? Argh this parenting thing is just tricky :-)
this post made me think of my five year old who will burst into tears when things like this happen (though lately she has been bursting into tears for lots of things - and if anyone has a suggestion for that I'd appreciate it!)
Hugs, lots of hugs, shoot, I find myself bursting tears sometimes too and would love for someone to listen and get a hug. Just a thought.
I have ADD... Seriously. Diagnosed and everything. This is a lifetime thing for me.
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I find that if I take short, frequent breaks to phase out, stare at fb, read a blog, or whatever, that I am more present for the children the rest of the time. So every hour or so, I will take 10 minutes for myself and then spend the next 50 minutes focused on them. That way, they get the majority of my attention but I still get some for myself. Remember, you can't save anyone else if you don't save yourself first.
I find that the children understand and accept this arrangement quite readily. I think they understand that I will be more patient with them if I take some time for myself. And I think the children need some time to themselves too.
Yep, mindfulness is tough. Being present to what's going on around you in that moment takes practice. For this dad of three with adult ADD (and a kid with special needs), meditation can be a boon. I haven't made the time lately to practice, but when I do, I find that it improves my ability to be more present throughout the day. Life is distracting, and it can go by so quickly. You don't want to miss it.
There's also a fine line between a frustrated kid and a melting down kid. I also have a four-year-old. He gets very grumpy and pulls this "fine, I don't get any" stuff on us all the time. Sometimes we say, "we didn't say that--please listen to what we're saying," and sometimes we just say, "OK, if that's the way you want it." We're trying to teach him that he has choices to make and that his actions and words have consequences.
But I say all that to say this: I think a big reason my kids sometimes get so grumpy is because they feel like don't have enough say in things; enough power over their lives. I've been working on giving my kids opportunities to do things on their own, make their own decisions, and work out conflict without adult intervention. It's a process.
Acknowledging the issue is an excellent first step. As G.I. Joe used to tell me everyday after school: "Knowing is half the battle! (G.I. Joe!)"
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I do understand where you're coming from totally.
Sometimes I am consumed with thoughts and worry when my 14 yr old daughter talks and talks, and I often push it to the back of my mind, so I can barely hear her and yet I nod and make facial gestures according to her tones.
I am guilty, and I feel like such a bad mom, I definately need to take that extra few minutes and pay attention completely, I have to remind myself there are people out there who have lost children, and just for a split second wish they had the ability to hear thier child talk.
I need to not take this for granted.
Thanks for the blog
I was one of those teenage daughters with a lot to say and my mother couldn't keep up either. But she just explained the situation and I was old enough to understand that she needed a break. So if it was important, I would use her name first to get her attention. But if it wasn't that important, I would just babble away and she would respond by rote. It didn't bother me because I always knew she would pay attention if it was important and I really needed her.
I think if you just own your weaknesses and explain them to your daughter, she will understand and accept your needs. It will also help her to accept things about herself that may not be completely perfect or up to everyone else's standards. You can teach her by example how to accept and forgive herself and others by the example you set.
Just be sure to set a "this is important" code word and then ALWAYS pay attention when she uses it.
I've noticed I'm zoning out a bit more lately. My four year old did the same thing with wanting to put the toothpaste on himself. It's hard work to be in the moment all the time, but so necessary if I don't want to miss all those smiles.
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You described a typical day for me. I wish I could turn my brain back on when it goes into hibernation mode.
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I'm 24 and I still notice when my family doesn't pay attention to me. I'm the youngest, so I guess they think I have nothing to input but then again, I'm no longer four years old. I'll start to say something, and it can be anything from an idea when we're all brainstorming to wanting to announce something to my family and I nearly ALWAYS get talked over. I may not be four years old any longer, but it's still frustrating.
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this post made me remember to slow down and listen. I all to often do the same thing and it just doesn't matter what the reason is. Usually my reason is that it's easier or faster for me to do it. Really? that just isn't a good reason.
I think this happens to everyone at some point or another. It is great that you noticed and are trying to make it better. The worst for me is when I hear him and am just in too big of a hurry to let him try. I have to stop myself and ask what am I really missing by taking the time to let him zip up his jacket on his own.... not much but I miss out on so much by doing it for him in a rush.
Just on Friday my 9 year old son said he feels like I'm always at work or when I'm home I always have other things to do and we never just sit and talk anymore. So this weekend we bought a puzzle and spent a few hours talking, sharing, laughing, him telling me about different things that have been going on in his world. It was wonderful. I really need to make an effort to do this more often.
Thank you for acknowledging the value of listening, of conscious loving presence in the moment. We all need to be heard, seen & contribute. Sounds like you are setting the groundwork for that with your intention. Also nice to hear you take responsibility without making yourself "bad". Cheers to you. Blessings.
I was an often ignored 4 year old once. It took me many years to get over the insecurity and low-self esteem feelings that were implanted, unknowingly, by my pre-occupied parents. Now I know it is so important to be in the present with people, yet those old relating habits that were modelled for me in childhood still take over from time to time..,
I have been struggling with this very thing myself. I am a single mother of two. I lost my husband four years ago and have been raising my two daughters alone. One is four and one is seven. I am in school and working part time. I have ten million things on my mind all at once. I have realized that through grieving, work, school and all the household duties, my kids were not being listened too. I had a conversation about a year ago with my oldest sister, who has two teenage girls. She said to me, you have to stop and listen to them right now. Otherwise when they get to be teenagers they will have learned not to talk and share with you because you never listened to them along the way. That hit me hard. I want my girls to come to me and lean on me when they need someone. Thanks for sharing. I feel like Im not alone in this and its helping me to be more aware of myself.
Your sister is very wise, and you are even wiser for listening to her. I've never thought about it before, but not listening when the children are small would eventually culminate in a loss of interest in expressing oneself. I think that works with any relationship, really--husband/wife; parent/child/ friend/friend--if we find we're not being listened to, eventually we'll stop talking. This is definitely something worth some deep consideration. Thanks for sharing!
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Excellent advice. Thank you for sharing this...we live in an alarmingly fast-paced world and it is so easy to zone our kids out, what with everything we need to think and worry about. Stopping in our tracks and actively listening makes them feel loved.
Keep up the good work - I know it's hard but it's worth it
I absolutely love to see a parent focusing on the emotional well being of their child. I know many people who would have said, oh well. Who cares? or They will get over it, they are just kids. I take a lot of pressure because I try my very hardest to take their emotional states into mind. It is great to see another parent who I respect using these same techniques. I know in the long run our children will be better adjusted and happy adults because of the respect we show them.
Hahaha, if I'm "ON" the computer.
I'm horrible about this if I'm in the computer. Thankfully my fiancee deals with my preoccupation with humor. He likes to stand next to me and say (in a loud, stern voice) "Internet! Release my girlfriend!" That's my cue that he's trying to talk to me and I'm ignoring him. >.