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Kids Uncensored #2

A little while back, I asked you on Twitter and Facebook “what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?”

Here are your responses, uncensored and unedited, all just as innocent as the children who said them! More than 900 responses came in. Plenty to last us for at least a “few” yearsposts here on Single Dad Laughing.

  • Daughter – Mama were you alive with the dinosaurs? Me – Nope Daughter – Then I guess Daddy was since he’s older than you right? Me – Yup
  • My best friend’s niece asked her mom if she could have a bra, “only not the BIG kind like you have, cuz I’m just little.”
  • My daughter was making a mess of herself at the dinner table and when i said ‘look at your face’ she squinted and rolled her eyes around then looks at me and says “but I can’t see my face!”
  • “Mom, your butt is soft and squishy just like a pillow.”
  • My husband trained for triathlons for years and would wear bike shorts (spandex). He walked in the house after a ride and my daughter pointed to his front and said “daddy poo poo”. We still chuckle to this day.
  • Mom, I like your cooking, I just don’t like how it tastes…
  • We were eating lunch with some friends and their 9 year old girl says “talk to the booty, cause the hand’s off duty!”
  • After a day out with my husband, my daughter came in and excitedly told me she gave a dollar to the “Japanese Army”. I learned minutes later it was the “Salvation Army”.
  • My son came home from preschool, turned, looked at me and said “robots don’t have wieners. Nope! They don’t. Robots do NOT HAVE WIENERS.” He turned, walked into his room and started to play with his trains. Since then, I have learned that dragons and dinosaurs do not have butt cheeks. Why? “cuz they have tails.”
  • “If they made life jackets for kitties, maybe the kitties would like water more.”
  • I was putting my bra on, and my three-year old asked, “Mommy, you putting your wings on?”
  • “Poop splashes like dolphins and fishies!”
  • When sitting down to the table, my then-3-yr-old said “let’s hold hands and talk to our food.” She was, of course, meaning she wanted to pray over our dinner.
  • I was singing an old hymnal “if He calls me, I will answer” & my 4 year old sings “as long as it’s not a sales call!”
  • When my youngest son was 2 and a half, his grandfather was asking him questions to see how smart he was. “J, can you spell Mississippi?”, asked Grandpa. J was pensive for a minute, then replied “No, but I can spell Mr.Sippi”
  • My husband and I were trying to figure out what we could do in a church talent show…I was pregnant with my 4th baby and my 6 year old said “You should show them how to make a baby!”
  • “But I cant go bed mama, I got heartburn.”
  • “I like your fat belly mama, its wiggly.”
  • They were handing out candy outside of Brookshires. My son took the candy, handed it to me saying “Im not eating candy from a stranger, but you can have it”. Thanks buddy.
  • Last year, my son and I were talking about what snacks he could take to school, he wanted to take peanut butter filled pretzels…I reminded him there was a kid who couldn’t eat peanuts in his class, he said “that’s right, he could have an allergic erection.”
  • “When I grow up, I want to be a duck so I can eat bread and never have to go inside when it rains.”
  • It was bed time and my 5yo started pitching a fit that Daddy promised they could play the Wii before bed. My husband could recall no such arrangement to which my 5yo replied “Yes Daddy, you said it was the last thing on your list of things to do today!”
  • I have 4 children my oldest being 5 years old. The subject of death came up and I explained as best i could that every body dies at some stage. My five-year old says to me with an exasperated sigh, “but mummy, if you die, I’m going to have to look after ALL THESE KIDS.”
  • My husband was making our new born son a bottle, and my three year old came in asking him a ton of questions. “Why does he eat from a bottle? “Why is he hungry” “why can’t he feed himself?” And my husband, in return, looked at her and said “why do you ask so many questions?” She put her hand on her hip, and full of attitude says “because I’m 3.” Without giving him the chance to respond, she turned and left the kitchen.
  • “Mommy, I love you JUST the way you are……nice and fluffy.”
  • “I know a number…15!”
  • “We don’t have school today because some guy had a dream.”
  • My son was four and I had to pick him up early from day care because the woman’s mother had passed away. When he got in the car I asked him if he told Julie he was sorry that her mom died. With an exasperated look, he says “Well, I didn’t kill her!”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Thank you so much to everybody who replied. Which was your favorite? What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say (if you haven’t shared it already)?

Oh, and if you missed the first edition of Kids UncensoredCheck it out. You all really came through on that one too.
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100 comments
Heather H
Heather H

or, today my other daughter, who like to play pretend ask me... "mom, can your name be mom-zilla?"...o.O

Heather H
Heather H

My daughter was talking to her grandpa:

Daughter:  Grandpa, Whats your name?

Grandpa: Billie bob (obviously not his name), whats your name?

Daughter: Mini toot. :)

 

smartmouthkid
smartmouthkid

When I was 12 or 13 I jokingly told my mom not to get pregnant (she had just come back from spending a night at her boyfriend's house) and my then 7 year old brother said "She doesn't do it to get pregnant, she does it to have fun"

Angela Walker
Angela Walker

On her first flight my oldest daughter panicked during take off. She said "Mommy, the plane is broken, it turned the ground off"

Lesley
Lesley

There were so many great ones, in the posted comments too!
When my daughter was 2 she saw a convertible car for the first time and shouted 'Mommy, LOOK! A car with no lid!'

Shanity Chandler
Shanity Chandler

Those were very funny! Hope to see more great posts!
My recent post Friendship

Charlotte
Charlotte

The most memorable things my kids have said....When I was about seven months pregnant with my youngest child my oldest who was 11 at the time says in his loudest possible voice across a crowded beach as I lay floating on my back, "Look its a hump bellied whale."

Amy Taormina
Amy Taormina

my daughter, rubbing my husbands freshly shaved head, i like your hair daddy. it's soft. he says, i don't have any hair honey. she says, what's all this grey stuff then?!!

Jenn
Jenn

My favorite is the paraprosdokian: "Mom, I like your cooking, I just don't like how it tastes..." Kind of like saying, "I didn't say I was blaming you; I said it was your fault!"
My recent post Rocks- Trees- and Elmo

Jason
Jason

My son, who was 5 at the time, and I were discussing whether or not he'd like to try hummus. I explained that it's made from garbanzo beans, and when he started to look disgusted (he doesn't like beans), I said, "They also call them chick peas."

Without missing a beat he replied, "I LIIIIKE CHICKS!"

But somehow, with his personality (he's the flirt I always wished I could be), I don't think he meant it so innocently, lol.

Amy
Amy

LoL. I also have trouble getting a three year old to listen. In outhouse t he threat though is that baby brother, who is 7 months old, will beat her.
My recent post

Jenn
Jenn

Just what I needed before bedtime! A sweet dose of innocence! :D
My recent post On Being Famous

Janessa
Janessa

When my deice was three, she said a bad word. When asked what she said, she replied "Its just Spanish!"
My recent post Song Challenge Day 13

Meghan
Meghan

Just today I went around a corner a little too fast and made my 2 1/2 year old son drop his toy cars, and he said "Be Careful!!" followed by "Momma's racing!!" .... it reminded me of his big brother, at about 4 or so telling my husband to "go easy on the corners DAD!"

Erin
Erin

Just tonight, the following conversation occurred and I was inspired to share:

hubby to daughter - "I think you're full of poop."

4 year old to daddy - "hahaha, not me! You are, cause your tummy's fat!"

Ahhhhh, kids.

troismommy
troismommy

Funny! When we were kids, my brother ordered clam chowder at a restaurant. When he was eating it, he gave my mom a weird look and said, "What are these chewy things in my soup?" My mom replied, "Clams. That's why it's called Clam Chowder." My brother's eyes got wide and he said, "OH! I thought it was Clown Chowder!"
My recent post Confession Time

Cindy
Cindy

Once when my daughter was 2 she had a cold. I said to her, "You sound hoarse." She said, "But I didn't say 'neigh'!"

beyondthedragons
beyondthedragons

These are great! They made me smile. My little four year old grandson was "taking pictures" with my old cell phone last Sunday. It was my first phone, one that doesn't have a camera. I asked him if he was going to put the pics on Facebook. He said, "no. Funnybook. It's for little kids." After a while, he took one of me, so I asked if that was for Funnybook. Without skipping a beat, he said, "no. You are really big, so the picture will be huge. I'll have to put it on Facebook."____I laughed so hard I thought I'd wet my pants.

Amy
Amy

Oh, a conversation a friend of mine and her 3 year old had.

Daughter: "ba ba ba booger face, ba ba booger face..."
Mom: "honey, the song is called 'Poker Face'"
Daughter: *thinks a minute* "well, that just doesn't make any sense at all"

Amy
Amy

My best friend has a bad habit of using the word "douchebag"...usually in reference to other drivers. One day her 7 and 9 year old daughters were fighting and the 7 year old said, with a huge sigh, "K, stop being such a juice bag". We have all decided to use this one as much as possible.

For a short time when she was 2 years old, my niece would not respond to her name. Instead, we had to call her "Nemo". If we forgot and called her by her name she would either ignore us or yell (at the top of her lungs) "I NEMO!!!".

carolyn
carolyn

My family and I were on vacation and were off-roading in our rental excursion. My Dad decided to try and fit through a really small crevice and we heard a large and alarming amount of screeching. After a few moments of dead silence, my 6 year old brother chimed in: "Don't worry, it was only a rock!"

Chris
Chris

These are cute. I liked the one about playing the Wii being the "last thing on my list." So literal.

My recent post ASD and Sleep Issues- Devotion in the face of exhaustion

Peach
Peach

The funniest thing was my sister the day before I got married. I was three months pregnant with our oldest and she showed up with my mom and other sister. She was nine.

Her-How did you get pregnant?
Me-Well, there's a stork that comes and brings you a baby.
Her-No, you have to have sex to get pregnant.
Me-WHAT?!
Her- EWW!! YOU HAD SEX!!

Ty_Moore
Ty_Moore

I always love when the kids say the darnedest things...mine was me actually when i was a child. In the grocery store with my mom and grandmother. We were in the cereal isle and in front of us was the Cream of wheat box. If you look at the guy on the front of the box it has a picture of an African/American chef. His facial features looks just like my grandfather. With my Grandmother there and many other people standing around in the isle I proceeded to yell out and pointing at the box....Papa..Papa...Papa...She didn't know what to think
My recent post There has been a death in the family

Charlotte
Charlotte

We had company for dinner when my son was 2. When the couple came in the front door our dachshund was there. My son told the company, "This is Fritz but he doesn't talk much because he is still a baby dog". My son is 41 now so I like to bring this up occasionally for a laugh!

Mike
Mike

My son getting ready to take a bath with his sister, "Mommy can you take my boy parts off?" Guess he really wants to be like his sister????????
My recent post Facing yourself in the mirror

Dawn Matt Trammel
Dawn Matt Trammel

My son (Jonah) is almost 2 & can't say a whole lot yet. A couple of months ago my husband (Matt) came home from work & went to the kitchen sink to wash his hands,& Jonah climbed up in Matt's chair & was babbling to Matt & Matt asked him,"What?" & (to me) it sounded just like Jonah said, "Don't you speak English?" So Matt asked him back, "Well, don't you speak English?" & Jonah said, "Do YOU?" I don't know why, but I just thought that was the funniest thing!

Beckah
Beckah

I like the sales call and the Mr. Sippi one!

The other night I was reading my boys a bible story and it said "samson killed a lion with bare hand". My 5 year old looked so confused and responded "WHAT, How does a man have bear hands?"
My recent post Before the Morning

Jennifer J
Jennifer J

My 7 year old daughter asked me yesterday, "Why is everything made in China?"

Nichole
Nichole

Thanks for the smiles :) Loved all the "soft" and "fluffy" ones. My two year old is just starting to really talk so I'm sure I'll have many stories in the future - looking forward to it!
My recent post WordWorld DVD & iTunes App GIVEAWAY

Lorrie
Lorrie

I had my then 5 yr old niece one day and as we came downstairs, she saw herself in a mirror and said, "Aunt Dorrie! HELP! I'm stuck in the mirror and I can't get out!"

Shaniroo
Shaniroo

My favorite was my 3 year old niece praying at dinner, "Please bless that this food will make us all strong like Spider Man..."

MeganConyers
MeganConyers

Hahaha! Great stuff! My little brother used to always want a pet "octopiss" =)
My recent post Can-Do Attitude!

Jennifer
Jennifer

I don't know if i share this or not....... My neice was almost 3 and she was VERY scared of Santa. My SIL told her "tomorrow is Christmas, that means Santa comes tonight" My neice looks at her dad and says "DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR FOR NOBODY!"
My recent post Destructos first haircut

Amanda
Amanda

My nephew was 1 1/2 while I was nannying him, and he was learning his animal sounds. Our conversation went something like this:
Me-Ethan what does a cow say?
E: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MooooOOOoo.
Me: How bout a dog?
E: Ooof. Ooof.
Me: Sheep?
E: Mehhh. Mehhh.
Me: Kitty?
E: Yow. Yow.
Me: How about a goat?
E: (pause)........ Goat Goat? Goat Goat.
My recent post Back to the grind

guest
guest

My son had recently taken to saying "oh yes" like Dr Farnsworth on the TV show Futurama. One evening he and I were doing something and my husband was watching TV. The Family Guy theme song started playing... next thing I heard was "sex - oh yes"

Jennifer Zeiger Rissi
Jennifer Zeiger Rissi

I forgot to send in mine ...

I looked at my soon-to-be 7 year-old daughter and said, "How did you get so big?""
She looked at me and responded, "I must have had a gross part!"

Tiffiny
Tiffiny

My Favorite is the following from my son:
After running through the house and being put on time out
Me: "Do you know what you did wrong"
Son: "Yes I was running inside"
Me: "why would you do that if you know its wrong"
Son: "Because I wanted a Time out, haven't had one since yesterday"

Laughing
Laughing

I kept laughing while reading the post. And I'm surrounded by people and they must be thinking I'm crazy. Ha! ha! This is so cute, hilarious and precious. Thanks Dan.

EmmaJewel
EmmaJewel

Here's mine....

When he was about five:
"Mom, I'll never say a bad word... unless it's in the script because otherwise you get fired."

Six years later:
Me (after slamming a door backstage): OH SHIT!
CJ: MOM! That word is NOT in the script!!!!
My recent post trying to find a quote about change that isnt sappy and isnt sarcastic just isnt that easy

EmmaJewel
EmmaJewel

daddy has a poo poo...
O M G...
had to pee after I read that.....
My recent post trying to find a quote about change that isnt sappy and isnt sarcastic just isnt that easy

amanda
amanda

This post made me laugh until I cried.

Stephanie
Stephanie

It's posts like this one that make up for all the times there is a crying baby on the train or a kid throwing a fit at the grocery store... Some of these are just precious.
My recent post Fake-Out Diner Dinner - Under 200 Calories and 6 PointsPlus

Ann
Ann

Just this morning, my 4 year old daughter got a hold of a blue ball point pen and colored all over herself. When I asked her why, she said "well, I just wanted to be a little bit blue" lol.

Being a mom, you hear so many kid-isms, its great!!

Cait
Cait

AHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA, I officially LOVE your sister! That was one of the BEST cases of sibling entrapment I've seen, ever, hands down!

queenannsrevenge
queenannsrevenge

Hahaha my Grandpa asked as a joke one day what zebras say, and apparently I replied instantly saying "Zee zee!"He's never forgotten that one. 

Athena
Athena

Oh god! That's fantastic! "Goat goat!"

kate
kate

hahahaa that sounds like my little brother when he was about that age. he repeated all the animal sounds.. but when we said "what's a birdy say?"... he paused..... "boidy boidy??"
My recent post how to be friendly to the earth