A little while back, I asked you on Twitter and Facebook “what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?”

Here are your responses, uncensored and unedited, all just as innocent as the children who said them! More than 900 responses came in. Plenty to last us for at least a “few” yearsposts here on Single Dad Laughing.

  • Daughter – Mama were you alive with the dinosaurs? Me – Nope Daughter – Then I guess Daddy was since he’s older than you right? Me – Yup
  • My best friend’s niece asked her mom if she could have a bra, “only not the BIG kind like you have, cuz I’m just little.”
  • My daughter was making a mess of herself at the dinner table and when i said ‘look at your face’ she squinted and rolled her eyes around then looks at me and says “but I can’t see my face!”
  • “Mom, your butt is soft and squishy just like a pillow.”
  • My husband trained for triathlons for years and would wear bike shorts (spandex). He walked in the house after a ride and my daughter pointed to his front and said “daddy poo poo”. We still chuckle to this day.
  • Mom, I like your cooking, I just don’t like how it tastes…
  • We were eating lunch with some friends and their 9 year old girl says “talk to the booty, cause the hand’s off duty!”
  • After a day out with my husband, my daughter came in and excitedly told me she gave a dollar to the “Japanese Army”. I learned minutes later it was the “Salvation Army”.
  • My son came home from preschool, turned, looked at me and said “robots don’t have wieners. Nope! They don’t. Robots do NOT HAVE WIENERS.” He turned, walked into his room and started to play with his trains. Since then, I have learned that dragons and dinosaurs do not have butt cheeks. Why? “cuz they have tails.”
  • “If they made life jackets for kitties, maybe the kitties would like water more.”
  • I was putting my bra on, and my three-year old asked, “Mommy, you putting your wings on?”
  • “Poop splashes like dolphins and fishies!”
  • When sitting down to the table, my then-3-yr-old said “let’s hold hands and talk to our food.” She was, of course, meaning she wanted to pray over our dinner.
  • I was singing an old hymnal “if He calls me, I will answer” & my 4 year old sings “as long as it’s not a sales call!”
  • When my youngest son was 2 and a half, his grandfather was asking him questions to see how smart he was. “J, can you spell Mississippi?”, asked Grandpa. J was pensive for a minute, then replied “No, but I can spell Mr.Sippi”
  • My husband and I were trying to figure out what we could do in a church talent show…I was pregnant with my 4th baby and my 6 year old said “You should show them how to make a baby!”
  • “But I cant go bed mama, I got heartburn.”
  • “I like your fat belly mama, its wiggly.”
  • They were handing out candy outside of Brookshires. My son took the candy, handed it to me saying “Im not eating candy from a stranger, but you can have it”. Thanks buddy.
  • Last year, my son and I were talking about what snacks he could take to school, he wanted to take peanut butter filled pretzels…I reminded him there was a kid who couldn’t eat peanuts in his class, he said “that’s right, he could have an allergic erection.”
  • “When I grow up, I want to be a duck so I can eat bread and never have to go inside when it rains.”
  • It was bed time and my 5yo started pitching a fit that Daddy promised they could play the Wii before bed. My husband could recall no such arrangement to which my 5yo replied “Yes Daddy, you said it was the last thing on your list of things to do today!”
  • I have 4 children my oldest being 5 years old. The subject of death came up and I explained as best i could that every body dies at some stage. My five-year old says to me with an exasperated sigh, “but mummy, if you die, I’m going to have to look after ALL THESE KIDS.”
  • My husband was making our new born son a bottle, and my three year old came in asking him a ton of questions. “Why does he eat from a bottle? “Why is he hungry” “why can’t he feed himself?” And my husband, in return, looked at her and said “why do you ask so many questions?” She put her hand on her hip, and full of attitude says “because I’m 3.” Without giving him the chance to respond, she turned and left the kitchen.
  • “Mommy, I love you JUST the way you are……nice and fluffy.”
  • “I know a number…15!”
  • “We don’t have school today because some guy had a dream.”
  • My son was four and I had to pick him up early from day care because the woman’s mother had passed away. When he got in the car I asked him if he told Julie he was sorry that her mom died. With an exasperated look, he says “Well, I didn’t kill her!”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Thank you so much to everybody who replied. Which was your favorite? What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say (if you haven’t shared it already)?

Oh, and if you missed the first edition of Kids UncensoredCheck it out. You all really came through on that one too.