Worthless Teenagers and the Parents who Make Them

My best fried stopped a suicide attempt the summer after I graduated from High School.  I was sitting in the middle of my parents' bed with my dad's pistol pointed at my skull when she came through the front door  (yeah, I was making a statement with the where and how)....she said she'd felt something was wrong and needed to check on me. She called another friend & they put together a support network for me that held together long enough for me to start planning.   The despair was momentary.  I didn't want to die.  I just didn't want to live like that, and I couldn't, for a few moments, see past the present. Everything I'd wanted to do after graduation, my parents had put a stop to.  I had a car I couldn't touch without permission, I wasn't allowed to get a job (he would give me any money he felt I needed), Any plans I made with friends required permission (and were always changed in some way), I arrived late  everywhere I went, and had to leave early - when I was allowed to go at all......the list goes on and on.  As a child, though, I never doubted that my parents loved me, that they were just trying to do what they thought was best for me.  Weird, isn't it?

My parents would "re-write history"  - something would happen, and when it was discussed later, there was only a vague resemblance to the events I experienced, actions, words & motivations were all miraculously transformed to tell a different story.  I almost told a counselor at school about some of the things that went on at home, about being thrown against the wall, about how my Mom had to wear heavy make-up and sunglasses to work a couple times a year....but, my Mom put a stop to that idea.  She told me point-blank that if sides had to be taken,she would ALWAYS choose my Dad.  He was her mate, I was just her child....so I didn't dare.  I didn't really want to know what would happen if social services came by & didn't take me with them when they left.

I've suffered from anxiety and depression my whole life.  I don't believe I really know what JOY is....despite having flickers of true happiness here and there.  Do I blame my parents?  I did for a while, but I've since come to realize that I am responsible for my own happiness.  I was in my 30's before I cut off communication with my parents for a while.   Things are better now, but I don't know if they will ever be "right."

Only just found this as an older teenager who's parents barely even know me because I'm little miss perfect for them. I have to be they have called me it since I know. Little miss sunshine. They don't know anything about what I really love doing because I hide it from them. They'd try to make it theirs and it's MINE. The only thing that's mine in my life. They don't care about me unless I'm getting As at school. I don't not do that just to spite them because that would damage my own dreams. But I had depression for years and they didn't know until 10 months ago because I ended up having my stomach pumped after attempting suicide to be frank. 

Don't get me wrong I love them. I'm sure their intentions are good. But I just want them to let me be me. I almost went into accountancy just to please them. I'm good at maths but I HATE it. I'm glad I decided to be me. Anyway. I'm 18 now. I made it through. I move out in a few months. I know it won't be easy. But at least my opinion may count a little and I will have the option to make my own decisions. I am lucky. I have found parent figures in other people I know. But I am still a very closed off and independent person to the point it damages me. I am working on it I'm trying. I just. This made me cry and realise how much of me isn't really me. But what my parents wanted me to be. I'm not the child they wanted. I'm nothing like them.

I love kids and I work with kids and other young people as a kinda unpaid job. But I am still fearful of having my own. I fear I'll muck it up as much as they did. I wouldn't want my kids to go through what I went through alone. My parents don't believe in depression or annorexia so it was completely impossible to tell them. Anyway I found you and this today and it gave me a burst of strength for these next few months.

Thank you, I sincerely hope you keep at it.

Dan,

 I just heard of your blog when a friend shared your "I am Christian, unless you're gay.." blog with the note from the mom, I cried instantly. Then I started exploring more of your blog and found this article. I can't reach of to that girl though I wish I could hug her and set her mind and soul straight, she is beautiful, priceless, strong to ask for help, and will have a better life but it will take help, she should get counciling esp. before she has a relationshop of her own, trust me I know from experience. I grew up in that household (crap here come the tears, you've made me cry a lot this morning, but it a good cleansing cry) my mom on a daily, weekly basis from as early as I can remember which is about 5 or 6 yrs old has told me how she regrets me, how I ruined her life, how she never wanted me, how I made her fat, how I made my dad leave her bc she was fat, bc I was not a boy. How she always wanted to send me to my dad or grandparents to live. I grew up thinking i was worthless, and that I wanted to die. I did try suicide when I was 15, luckily I failed. Finally I did go live with my grandparents, they have always been my rock of stability. My dad, never felt those things about me, this I learned later in life when I had the strenth to ask him. I found out that he wanted custody of me but bc he was in the Navy and went to sea, he could not have it. Today, I am 36, I have 5 kids ranging from 16 to 3. I am NOT my mother. I tell my kids daily that I love them. Yes, i have made parenting mistakes but never that big, I have always tried to mend my mistakes with dicussions, apologies, and hugs. I think my kids know how much I love and support them as people. My kids are brilliant, will go far in this world, further than me because they have the support of a parent who cares about them, twoactually. My husband grew up in the same household, broken, bitter, and abusive. We often have discussions about the torment we still feel over our parents treatment of us and in his case the parents complete lack of acknowledgement of their wrongdoings. In my case, my mother has admitted and apologized, I have forgiven but I sometimes still have issues with acknowledging her love and the reasons for her apology, but that is my wound that is still healing. If I could talk to this girl I would show her she can make it thru this, others have, I have, after years of being told I'm worthless I am raising wonderful kids,I have worked hard to get an MBA  while doing that, she can accomplish much, and quite honestly nothing proves a person more wrong than showing them the complete opposite. Or as Henry Rollins said in an awseome spoken word tour when I was 17...Don't kill yourself, if people don't like you stay alive, and totally piss them off by doing it. Much love to your awesome blog and parenting. I got a few laughs today from you too, pistachios...thank goodness I haven't had to deal with the "up the nose" thing. Joanne Baldwin

I know this happens in many families... Hell, I've seen it happen to my friends right in front of my eyes. But... I can't say that I've ever felt worthless in my parents eyes. I have never felt worthless, ever. I've felt goofy, clumsy, dorky, and happy. Throughout it all I've always felt happy and loved. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest, but I sincerely doubt that because my family has always been really tight and loving. My biological father was murdered when I was two, and you would think that I have this piece missing from my life. I never felt it. My mother remarried, to the only guy I've ever known as my dad, and I never once felt like he thought of any of us as "not his" or  "worthless brats" or whatever. He gave me something that everyone should have: A loving father. He was kind, he was easygoing, he was strict, he was funny, he was fiercely protective of us, he told me stories and jokes, he hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder. He told me some of the most important things I've ever heard. "Life does get better than this, I promise. Of course you can have a slumber party with the girls and take over the living room and make a mess in the kitchen, because that's what kids should do. It will be all right. I love you and I'll never stop believing in you. You can tell me anything and I promise not to freak out until you've finished. Life has it's ups and downs, and it's not always sunshine and roses; but if you have the love of your family and friends and you love them in return... You can weather any thing." And you know what? Everything he told me was spot on. 

Then there was my mom... You couldn't find a better soccer, dance, cheer leading, football, working, single then married again mom. She was our champion. When life tried to tell us that we weren't good enough, she stood up to it, pushed it back, and told it that we were good enough. She held us when we cried, pushed us when we thought we couldn't do it, let us step back when we had enough and she loved us. She loved us to the point that our friends were jealous. It wasn't noisy, but she knew what was going in our life. She wasn't a tiger mom, but we kept active and excelled in what we did. We didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, our get in fights... But we always knew that if we had done any of those things, first she would have knocked our heads together, then sit down and talk about why we did it and then hug us and say, "we'll get through this together."  My mom always put us first, and now that we've all left the nest, we try to make sure that we spoil her as often as possible... Even though she thinks that we should be spending our money on, "more important things," like there could be anything more important than family, right?

Growing up I never felt rich, I never felt poor, I felt loved. I felt bad and confused and just plain sorry for those of my friends and others that I saw that had the real crappy parents. In high school, my friends always would look at me like I was crazy when I would call my parents and say things like, "Well, we're going to Mario's bday party and I don't know who's going to be there. I'm not sure if any adults will be there and yes, I am pretty sure that there will be alcohol there. Call you when I'm headed home. I love you, too." Or maybe, "I think we're going to go set off fireworks in the dry lake bed. Oh, and there was an old, rusting, dead van that looked like it's been there for ages that some of the guys want to blow up... Yeah, I think that they are pyromaniacs, as well. Oh, no! I'm planning on staying as far away from that and I will be ready to call 911 when someone catches fire. Plus, I have plenty of water. Okay, talk to you later. Love you!!" The thing that no one wanted to understand is that I was honest with my parents because they trusted me... They trusted me because I was honest with them. They didn't have to worry about me because they knew what I was doing. I know, it may sound like I was a goody two-shoes but my brother and sister are the same. We're an honest, loving and tight family. I know their faults and they know mine, but we've never focused on them. 

The guy who's my father in every way except blood was one of those kids who had hard, well meaning parents and siblings who treated him like crap... He turned out pretty okay. So, for those of you who think that it's an endless cycle of parent hurting their children out of "love" and those said children becoming like their parents... My dad is living proof that it doesn't have to be that way. And for those of you who have treated your children this way, stop and reevaluate your life. Now, go apologize to your children and hug them and kiss them and be thankful that they are here in your life and know that no matter what, they could never be a mistake and never be less than a miracle. And to those kids who think that no one cares and that they are insignificant... YOU MATTER! Now, go tell your parents that the way they are treating you isn't healthy of conducive to a happy childhood. Tell them that when they say those things that they hurt and that if they aren't careful they are going to lose you. And if that doesn't work, make your own damn family. Jenny who lives down the block and has had your back through everything, held your hand when you cried, sat with you in silence and laughed with you about something that no one else on this planet could ever understand... Well, she's your family so keep her close. And know that you're her family, too. 

P.S.

Sorry your parents are douche bags. Things will get better but you just have to stand tall and fight back. And somewhere, somehow there is at least one person in your life who cares whether you stand or fall, laugh or cry, dance or sit, or shine like the beautiful miracle you are or hide your beauty from the world. Someone cares. I care. Dan cares. The other teens who are going through the same thing care. Don't let the world knock you down.

This kind of treatment doesn't begin when you become a teenager. I heard how worthless and stupid I was from the time I was young. I thought I ignored my dad, but once my mother finally left with me and my sister, I realized that everything he said was in my head. (My mother kept quiet because she was afraid. I felt like I was on my own very early.) His voice replayed in my head for years constantly. After awhile I only heard those nasty things when I failed at something. It has taken until now (at 43) to get that I matter and that I have something to contribute. I know exactly how the teen feels. I wish I could say that it goes away quickly or easily. I married someone much like my father who told me the same things. I got divorced after a year. My son had to put up with hearing those things too. Even though I told my son he was wonderful and smart, he believed his father. No matter how many nice things you hear, you only believe the bad stuff that you heard as a child. My son went from an outgoing, happy toddler to an introverted, shy teen who stopped smiling. With my help and doing the same work I have, my son has gotten who he really is. He may still have more work to do (I might too), but at least he, at almost 20, has gotten that he's smart, capable and loves people--much less time than it took me.

You really nailed how these put-downs from parents work, why the parents do this, and the results. I've never read anything where this was explained so clearly. I never understood why my son's dad wanted to control him or break him. Thank you for writing this. 

Its incredible, the way you have delved the teen world. Being one, I know all the challenges and uphill tasks that consist of teen life. Pressure, from parents, peers, from everyone who seem to not care stifle the living hell out of you. And like idiots, we ignore it all. I have seen plenty of my friends suffer and apart from some consoling advice, I feel I really can't  help much. Hope this post changes some of the people's psyche :) Kudos for a great article ! 

There is one more thing that you forgot to mention in this article about why teenagers feel such angst.  I tried everything in my power to have a relationship with my sons; yet their father is a sociopath.  He believed that the best way to ensure our sons had no relationship with me was to alienate them from me in entirety.  He had help; his parents.  My sons treated me with utter contempt.  There was nothing that I could do right.  I was always wrong.  My sons, even as teenagers, lied, cheated, and maniplated me; just like their abusive father.  So, sometimes it is not the parent's fault.  Sometimes, it is the teenager's if they have help and encouragement to live an antisocial lifestyle, from one parent.  They reach a point where they have to choose which lifestyle works for them.  My sons chose pornography, drinking, drugging, and assaults.  They were completely enmeshed, codependently, with antisocial behavior that their father, and his family taught and encouraged.  I walked away.  I just continued to pay child support.  But, I cut all of my sons loose; walked away; and began the path to my new life of happiness, free of abuse.

I agree with you 100% - and everything that you say about teenagers is true! Theya re all of those things, I was and my boys are now. But if they were perfect they would be out there supporting themselves in the workplace. Every teenager is like this is their own way and WHO CARES! This is what has molded each and every one of us into what we are today. I have a very close relationship with my boys, but maybe that's because I don't turn around and tell them how worthless they are. Teenagers will make mistakes and we as parents are there to let them do it and pick them back up, dust them off and let them know we will always be there for them. Judgement, critisizim, and bullying is a part of their everyday lives. They don't need to hear it from us as parents. You want to know why teenagers don't talk to their parents but share with friends? Because you not their friend. they don't trust you! You are the enemy. As a parent YOU must be strong. YOU shouldn't be rude. YOU should be RESPECTFUL. These children (that is what they are) do not owe PARENTS ANYTHING! As parents YOU owe your child the love, friendship and understand THEY need to grow into a healthy individual.

With you 100% on this. I've had to spend the last several years bringing myself to accept that the only way I could ever hope to make my Dad happy and proud of me would be to become someone I don't want to be. Someone who is completely dominated and lives their life solely for his benefit and convenience. Someone whose life revolves around his and who still thinks the sun shines out of his every orifice the way she did when she was 6 (I don't think he ever really forgave me for growing up). But it's hard, because deep down inside there's still that little 6 year old who craves Daddy's approval.

On the positive side, at least I have a fantastic relationship with Mum. And with Granny, too, when she was still with us. Those two incredible women shaped pretty much all the good parts of who I am today. Sadly, Dad shaped most of the rest.

Even at 21 I am still desperately trying to win my mother's approval. Even after getting a 4.0 and my private catholic college she is more focused on the fact that my tuition is an unexpected 300$ extra. Three hundred dollars or I'll get kicked out of school. No matter how well I do at being the BEST at everything (school, work, organizations, etc) and constantly achieving more highly than my peers she finds the one thing I am doing wrong and focuses all of her resentment of my life into it. I don't know how to be any better. I don't know how to make her proud. She had me at a young age and I changed her life forever. But that wasn't my choice and I'm tired of paying for it. I hope that when I leave for good, never looking back, that for once in her life she feels guilty or sorry. My first memories are of being 7 and taking care of my little sister. I may not remember having a childhood but I'll be damned if I let her have my future.

It's kind of funny to me that parents don't realize that how they treat their children is directly parallel to how their children behave. Humans come out of the womb complete terrors—they're made that way, in part by how they are raised. Everyone should know that how we are parented has a huge effect on what we turn out to be like. If you think there's something wrong with how your child behaves, then first look at yourself and see how you can change your parenting. Then, look at the child.

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We have taken in one of my son's friends. They're both 19 and have been friends for almost half their life. When they were 14 and and got to goofing off and skipping school, we backed the school and made sure our son realized he had to attend. This kid's dad got mad at the principal and yanked him out of school. He has not attended since. His dad is always yelling at him to get a job, join the Army, do something but the kid only has an 8th grade education, no transportation, no phone, no Internet. And he is such a GOOD hearted kid. The essential core of him is just Good. Helps with dishes when he was here, would take the dogs out, do laundry. He's honest and smart, polite and friendly. We made sure he understood that if he moved in here, he had to attend school and get his diploma. We would make sure he had transportation and supplies and clothes if needed. I have taken him to get Medicaid so he can see the doctor if he gets sick and talked our family doc into taking him on as a patient even though he wasn't taking new ones. We have taken him on vacations with us and opened his eyes to other places besides the small town we live in. My heart aches for him, he was feeling so trapped and helpless. I really, truly hope we are able to make a difference in his life because he certainly deserves it. Even if it's just one kid I save, it makes a difference.

If this is indeed true then I feel so sorry for the girl to have experienced this from her parents. Parents do need to understand what their teens have to say because they do matter. Although I too believe that no parent would have wanted to hurt their kids on purpose just because it satisfies them, unless of course if they're not capable of thinking and feeling normally. Any troubled teen nowadays become who they are not just purely because of how parents deal with them but also because there may also be other factors causing it. It's easy for these teens to be influenced by the wrong peers and by the media, in spite of their parent's giving them the love and the support they deserve. But then again, parents could only do so much to understand their teen's behavior. Finding the right help to reform any troubled teen can be challenging but really not impossible.
It probably goes both ways in order to establish a great relationship with your own teens. And once this is done, I'm sure there won't be too big of a problem with parenting our teens.

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography http://www.getxprofiles.com

To the teenager who wrote the email to Dan...

".. I am one of gods biggest mistakes"

That is emotional abuse. You have been emotionally abused by the people who were supposed to love, protect and take care of you. It is not your fault. And you have every right to feel your feelings; to be angry at your parents, to cry, to feel shorted.

Your dad calling you names is emotional abuse. It is entirely inappropriate. It is not okay. And it is not your fault.

The abusive things they've said about you are not true.

You did not deserve any of this abuse. You deserved, and still deserve, to be seen, heard, validated, respected, loved and appreciated.

Because of the legacy your parents passed down to you, you will have to seek support for yourself when you are an adult. Hopefully, right at 18.
There is hope, there are people who can teach you how to have a good relationship with yourself and give you the love you've always wanted.
But you will have to go to them yourself.

Please, check out themeadows.org and using the "Chat Now" button, ask them for a referral for a therapist in your area.

You are a precious child, regardless that your parents didn't send you that message, just for being born and alive and trying to make it in this harsh world.

You are the reason I want to reach teens as a counselor, to show you the love you so deserved and to teach you how to hold yourself in warm regard.

Do not believe what your parents have told you; they are damaged and toxic.

God says He created you in His image and that He has a plan just for your life. Start seeking God; talk to Him.

God bless you,

Kat
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Let me sum up this article for you;
People do exactly what was done to them, to their children.
Until, someone has the intestinal fortitude to break the cycle. With professional help.
All of you should read, "For Your Own Good:
Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence" By Alice Miller.

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teenagers and their lives :) ..
all at its abstract best can be seen here http://razishaikh.blogspot.com/

I just have one question for you. Do you have any teenagers of your own? Being a teenager is incredibly difficult, and there is no question that the power, identification and individuation struggles are intense and difficult. But seriously, being a parent of teenagers is also incredibly difficult. "just fix it"??? Really? Have you been there, or do you just know because you are so wise? It is not nearly as easy as you seem to think. I love my kids more than I could even tell you, have poured out my life for them, would give anything for them, tell them every day how much I love them. I do not tell them they are useless, stupid, or anything of the sort. And yet somehow they manage to believe that they are useless/stupid/unloveable anyway. I used to think that kids struggled because their parents neglected or mistreated them. But let me tell you something. Sometimes they struggle no matter what you do. And it hurts more than you can imagine, and it doesn't help to have some wise guy on the internet telling you to "just fix it. " I hope you never have struggles when your kids are teens. But if you do, I hope that you find grace along the way from someone who has walked down the road and doesn't know it all before he's tried it himself.

Oh, sweet girl... Hold on. You'll make it through. I could have written that same email 10 years ago but now, I am independent, working a job I love, surrounded by people I care about and who care about me. It gets better, I promise.

This is the thing, we tried our hardest to show him love, to let him know that we were there for him, to help him with school, friends, our own relationships etc. He shunned it all. Never recognized any of our efforts. If we had to talk to him about something (which seemed contantly at times) we tried to attach something we were pleased with. That was very difficult. He didn't always show much good. It hurt terribly when girl his age from our church was talking with some friends of mine about my son and she "nicely" said she'd love to give me some advice since she'd talked to him a lot about his problems. She then said if we'd consentrate more on the good things he does than on the bad he'd do a lot better. I wanted to scream. For the record, I didn't I kept my composure. I looked like anything but mother of the year to the other ladies at church and I just swallowed my pride. It showed me though, that he didn't recognize, at all, that when we have to talk to him about his behavior we were trying to do it in a positive manner and give him credit for the good things we'd recognized.

I wonder what a parent of this young girl would have written to you? Don't get me wrong, name calling and degrading comments are uncalled for...especially from a parent who should be well enough educated by now to see that that's only hurtful and is going to complicate something rather than making it better, let alone from a parent who is supposed to love and nurture and protect. Here's my flip-side, my own experience.

It's easy to sit back and read that letter and assume the parents are completely at fault here but unless you actually know them and know they have done this, you are making assumptions about them that may be false. My oldest was and is a fantastic teenager, well adjusted, funny and caring. My 14 year old is very manipulative and tries to make everyone think she lives under the worst circumstances even though she has been given respect, opportunities, boundaries, rewards, consequences, and tons of love and support. If she grabbed your ear for a minute you would think I was the devil reincarnated because she wants you to think that she has it so rough. When she wants to be, she can be the sweetest child in the world. Without actually investigating whether this heartbreaking letter is from someone who really is in an abusive situation or whether she is trying to get attention, you have jumped all over another struggling parent who may or may not be as awful as you have made them out to be. I'm really dissappointed in this one, Dan. You are playing judge and jury with only one side of the story.

Wow! There are a lot of hurt feelings there it sounds like. Growing up is hard. We all have difficult things we go through. Being a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever done. My kids are only 4 and 6. I know I say things that hurt them. I do apologize to them. It is so easy to yell.

So I am really writing to say that not all is lost. I had a very challenging childhood and that did carry into my teen years. People say that is the best time of your life? I disagree! However, I knew that my parents loved me, dysfuntional as we were in households, and I had other adults in my life speaking words of love, encouragement, and life. They were my teachers: I attended Faith Christian Academy and I will be forever grateful for them in my life. I hope that we all will be supportive of the teens we know and their parents. Adolescence is a time of struggle between being a child and gaining the responsibilities of adulthood and learning to make good choices. We are all on a journey and need to have grace for ourselves and others. "Grace and Peace to you through Jesus"

Dynamics are funny - which came first the chicken or the egg? I know a child who's father tried and tried to encourage her and give her something, anything, and everything her heart desired (many animals she wanted but then failed to care for) He wanted to make her happy but she chose to notice what she didn't get instead of what she did get. She felt sorry for herself and became selfish and manipulative, always demanding more. This father was a wreck when I met him - his daughter had the power and control you speak of. I know a grown man who was raised by parents who encouraged his talents and gave him private guitar lessons when the school didn't offer enough. He never made the big time. His parents often said We taught you everything we know, what you do with it is your choice. He chose good times with drugs and alcohol and blames his parent's for not doing enough (his parents didn't even drink in front of their children). He had many people in his life encouraging him because he really is talented. His parents had three other children besides him, but if you talk to him today he will still cry in his spilt beer that it's someone else's fault because they didn't do enough for him. He came real close, had his own recording studio and everything, but chose to spend the majority of his time partying with friends instead of making it into something positive. Each person is responsible for their own happiness - teaching someone to blame someone, anyone else is not such a great idea. I remember being a four year old child who hid under the bed to see how long it would take anyone to notice I was missing. That feel sorry for me attitude did not serve me well. Each person can choose to notice the good around them or the bad around them, there will always be both, because people are not ALL good or ALL bad. I would encourage this girl to start noticing the good around her instead of encouraging her to blame her parents because that probably won't serve her well. She can only change herself. That is all any of us can do, but if each of us worked on ourselves we would find our world around us changes for the better. I know because I used to be a feel sorry for me kid with parents who may not have always been right but they were always there. I forgive anything that was out of balance because holding on to it will not serve me. I also remember hearing people say things about me (both good and bad) and it was my choice what I decided to believe. Sometimes the negative things motivated me to prove them wrong more than the positive words. I am thankful for that.
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I am very thankful that my parents always encouraged me to think for myself, and to take responsibility for my own choices. My mom trusted me unless I gave her a reason not to, but because I respected that trust I never did. I was expected to take care of my responsibilities around the house, but once they were done, I was free to do as I pleased. My parents didn't do my laundry or clean my room, so if I wanted to have clean clothes or have friends over I had to make sure those things were done. If I got in trouble at school (only once) my parents listened to my side of the story, but I still had to deal with the consequences of my actions. As I grew up they let me take on more responsibility but also gave me more freedom. And they always let me throw the parties at our house so we could have fun but they could make sure there was no drinking involved, but they didn't make drinking a taboo thing (they let me try what they were drinking if I wanted) so I never felt the need to drink just to see what it was all about. I hope I can be as good of a parent to my own kids! My parents weren't perfect but at least they were relaxed and fun! I think they did a pretty good job of guiding me through the teenage years.

I too have first hand experience of what it was like to be a teenager as well as raising four beautiful children on my own and now I have three gorgous gran babies. I wasnt the perfect parent but I fought with all my might to raise my children the opposite to how I was raised. I have a close relationship with all my kids who are now all grown up. Parents do not realise the impact that abuse has on children who grow up and spend their life struggling to survive with daily life, I am one of those people and the impact that abuse has had on my life is a ongoing journey of unravelling the jigsaw puzzle, challenging the negative self talk that was drummed into me and unravelling insight into triggers from relationships to freindships. It has taken me a long time to learn that I am not a bad person, that I am lovable, that I am capable, that it is okay to let someone get close, that I am safe and it was not my fault. So if you are a parent that is having problems communicating with your child try telling them you love them and give them a hug. My theory is children usaully do not misbehave without a reason.

I think alot of parents forget that these little people grow up into adults. parents who put reflections of themselves onto their own childrens shoulders. Yes reflections of themselves and by taunting and abusing these little people it is somehow supposed to make them feel better Huh!!!!!!!!

I have read a few other comment on this blog post, and have seen how many people come to this issue with different insights and perspectives. As a 22 year old, I in no way know what it is actually like to be a parent, especially of a teenager. I am barely no longer a teenager myself. But, may I use my naivety to make a point?

I am 22 and I have an opinion about this topic. I have insight to share. Someone who is reading this comment may consider me old enough to have an opinion that might hold water. Someone else might think that I'm too young and inexperienced to be taken seriously. But if I told you what I thought and you didn't know how old I was, would you listen then? Would you consider my insight, brought from my experiences, worthy of being pondered over and internalized?

Having just "emerged" from the status of a "teenager" and I can tell you that while I do not know what it is like to be a parent, I DO know what it is like to be a teenager. There are two sides to this story. That, I would think, should be enough to encourage someone to think that perhaps I just might know what I'm talking about.

Your teenagers deserve that same respect. You know what it's like to be the parent. THEY know what it's like to be the teenager. That gives them insight that you do not have. While they may not have had the years and experiences to put some of their insights to accurate understanding, that certainly doesn't strip them of the ability to draw conclusions and make insights from their current experiences.

It has been only a few years since I was in High School and since I was reliant on my parents for permission and punishment. But I do not feel any more capable of learning now than I did then. I was just as much a person when I didn't know what it was like to pay my own rent as I am now. There are things that I have learned now, that explain things I didn't know then, but I knew things then better than when I was a preteen. Life will ALWAYS move along on with that sort of progression. Or so I am told. By the time you are a grandparent you might think that you're methods for parenthood were naive and immature. So please keep in mind, you may be a parent, but you are no more a person than your teenage child is. They are not a slave. They are not a robot. They are not a home for hormones. They are an INDIVIDUAL. Someone with a brain. With a heart. With dreams. With fears. With ignorance. With weakness. They are learning. Just as you are still learning. Stop looking at your teenager like an impersonal project or problem or "teenager", and start seeing and treating and listening and teaching your child as an individual, tangible person. You might start to realize that there is no stereotype that you have to learn to parent. Stop looking at the stage in life called "teenager" as a definition of your child. If you expect them to fit into a stereotype teenager image, then treat them like they do.

As a recent teenager I KNOW that there were people my age who were self absorbed in pushing boundaries, creating drama, and causing trouble. As this blog says, it was a lot about power. And it was also a lot about laziness. And for ages I HATED other teens around me. I hated them for their selfishness. I hated the way they forced schools to be restrictive. How they made insurance more expensive. How they treated me for not acting a long. But I had a few experiences that gave me insight. And I learned that more than anything, these teens around me who were acting like jerks on hormones, were simply trying to find out where they fit into this world. What love DID mean. What pain DID feel like. What joy REALLY meant. They were reflecting the world of ADULTS they saw. The people on TV. In the news. In magazines. In the society around them. They were by no means guiltless for their own actions, but I really believe a great deal of what they did was based in ignorance. They were trying to LEARN as any growing individual does, even without realizing it. They were trying to understand. And they were looking in all the wrong places.

If you are a parent who doesn't honestly try to prevent your child's heart and mind from being fed by the selfishness of Hollywood, the heartlessness of the "real world", and the moral-less patterns of "popular culture", rather than giving them your own heart of love and faith in doing what is right (not just “not doing what is wrong”) to emulate, you have a great deal of fault in your "problem" child.

Love them like someone who is learning. Who does not know what you know, but who is at a different stage of experience and comprehension as well. Know them as an individual. Show them where to look to understand. Give them answers and explanations. Power is not the issue. Authority is the issue. If they see why you have the authority without abusing the power that comes with it, they will grant you the respect of that authority, and you will have all the power that is necessary to parent your teenager in love.

I have two 14 year old daughters. They definitely have their own opinions about things. We do not see eye to eye on everything. They are unreasonable at times, narrow-minded at times, uncommunicative at times. I know that they are struggling with defining who they are; trying to figure out what all the emotions are about; are hurt by friends; and just plain angry at life/people/situations sometimes. However, I have teenagers who are intelligent, talented, gifted, beautiful, quirky, seriously funny when they want to be, helpful, thoughtful, loving, and hard-working. I love them. I love them enough to let them choose their music, their fashion, their hairstyles, their friends, their reading material. I love them enough to insist they do their chores, come home on time, do their homework and treat their little sister with respect.
I want to find your email writer, hug her and bring her home with me. She deserves to know that she is loved, that she is beautiful, that she has value, that she can achieve her dreams, and that she deserves gentleness, respect, and grace.

I did not read all the previous pages of comments, so forgive me if I repeat something that's been said already. I think that by the time our children are teenagers, we have begun to reap what we've sown into them. As parents, we must be the grown ups in the relationship. We must speak encouraging and uplifting words, even in the midst of correction and discipline. When they spill milk, accidentally leave the water hose on overnight, or bicker, how do we react? Do we tell them to be kind to each other while yelling at them? Or do we model kindness? Do we ignore them? Do we match the excitement in their eyes/voice when they're telling us something, giving them our full attention, letting them know how important they are, or are we thinking about something else? Do we try to make them little versions of ourselves, or do we seek to find out who they are and what they're "for?" I'm not advocating a child led house, but a loving, discerning, parent - led one. God knows kids need healthy boundaries! Being quick to recognize our own mistakes and being accountable to them for those mistakes - saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me" (without rationalizing, blaming or trying to justify our own mistakes) goes a long way in a relationship. So parents, let's continue to pour love into our kids - sacrificial, costly love - not love when we feel like it or are getting it back, and let's see what we reap and harvest when our kids are grown.

So my observation. First my parents were verbally abusive to me. They were controlling, insulting, and cruel. There is no excuse for it. I was SUCH a perfectly behaved kid. I got a's and b's in school, was one of the top musicians in the state, never got in trouble but I talked back to my parents and didn't do my chores and didn't get strait A's so I was worthless. Oh yeah I was also fat so that was a CONSTANT source of stress as the whole family got in on the fun of making pig noises while I ate. Stuff like that.

Now I'm a mom and I have a little perspective. First I know my parents loved me (even though I didn't feel like they did years ago) and I know that what they were dealing with was the terrible fear of watching me grow up and make the mistakes they made. My mother also was severely physically abused by her mother and my grandmother was physically and sexually abused by her caretakers (her mom was single and had to work). Abusers are broken people. More then likely their parents did the same to them, or worse. Some of the worst cases of bullying or kids going nuts and shooting people are from kids who are bullied, child or in this case teen abuse is no different. Many of these parent's don't know any better or maybe they're trying their best and have a teen who is getting into trouble all the time and they're at their wit's end. There are always two sides to every story.

It's heartbreaking to hear this young woman's letter, esp as someone who has been through it before, but it's too easy to pass judgement without knowing the whole story. I was a very emotional teen and I would become hormonal and volatile on a regular basis. I would fly off the handle about the littlest things, to the point of breaking down doors and attacking my brothers. Did that make me deserving of abuse? No. Do I understand now why I drove my parents absolutely nuts, OH YEAH! Instead of attacking parents you don't know online where it's safe, how about you talk about HOW you fix it. Do you even know how to fix it? Have you been the parent of a teen?

No parent is perfect all the time. We're all trying our very best with what gifts we have. It's hard to be a mother. Really hard. I don't have teens either and I don't feel qualified to give parenting advice on them just yet. I'm sure most of the same parenting advice applies, help your teen, love your teen and tell them you do, don't say hurtful things, learn how to express your anger in a constructive way, be actively involved in their schoolwork and social lives, let them know you are ALWAYS there no matter what but know also that teens are hormonal kids who are transitioning to adulthood in the most awkward volatile way and they're going to drive you nuts. If you can't take it, get help. If you are broken and your child is too, GET HELP for you both. Find support in friends who love you and stay socially connected for your own sanity as well as your teen's. To call another struggling parent a FAILURE is such a contradiction just because their teen sent you an email talking about how mean they are to her. It's easy to sling insults isn't it? Can you understand why maybe we as parents should be standing together so we can as a community support our kids? I think it's alot more productive an endeavor then telling parents how horrible they are.