For the past several months (when I remember), I’ve been keeping a list of some of the most funny, most clever, cheesiest, mushiest, and most random Facebook status updates I’ve seen roll across my homepage. Enjoy.

  • Act your age mama, not your shoe size.
  • I’m going to go play with a bear today. Update to follow….
  • Almost 70 degrees two days ago and now we’re 4-5 inches deep in snow. Gotta love Utah!
  • You will end up being a slave to whoever you badly want approval from.
  • Some people talk too much… Makes my brain check out afterwards…
  • We’re still too young to realize some things are impossible, so we do them anyway!
  • Our baby has a habit of not having a bowel movement for days at a time and then making up for it all at once. My husband has taken to calling them apocapoops.
  • If you never tell a lie than you never have to play dumb
  • I just schooled that 10-year-old kid at H.O.R.S.E. so bad he went cryin to his momma. Which is… Well… Me.
  • Don’t ever tear off a mole.
  • Angry Birds? Pffft. More like- Slightly irritated and so lazy you’ll have to shoot them into the air using a a giant slingshot even though… They are BIRDS.
  • One day.
  • If you’re a libertarian friend of mine, but I don’t know you are, could you let me know so I can add you to my “libertarian” list?
  • Do hipsters ever wear their fat ironically? Can I do that?
  • Hey nerds, I’M GOING TO TAHITI!
  • I kicked a banana on your car because I’m sexy and I know what I want!
  • It’s a good day. ♥ That is all.
  • Every girl needs a pair of bad*ss heels, a dress that makes people take a second look and access to Burke Williams at any given hour of the day.
  • Not sure who put the for rent sign in our yard this morning for April fools but I just got a call about it.
  • Coffee and Ovaltine is the best.
  • I just encountered the wonder that is a bacon-covered maple bar.
  • Have you ever sliced off your fingernail with a vegetable peeler? I’m just…wondering.
  • For all of you people who are mutual friends with my EX-friend I just went and visited, I apologize if he’s talking crap about me, but I assure you I did nothing to deserve it. In fact, if we’re mutual friends, just let me know, so I can delete y’all.
  • In the process of cleaning today I threw out a bunch of crumbs of tortilla and other chips. It’s now a bird and squirrel eating frenzy in my front yard!
  • Barney is like crack for babies, i swear.
  • You know what? f*** Freud. He is being the source of my misery.
  • I feel like I’m in Happy Gilmore. Up and down. Around. Circular.
  • I remember when a “Friend Request” was eye contact and a smile.
  • when it rains,,,the toilet floods….3 times this weekend….that and my car won’t start…hope it’s just the battery. sigh….at least tomorrow is Monday…..double sigh
  • I have wasted this entire day and I don’t feel guilty about it.
  • To the two- just turned18- military boys at the stoplight outside the base.. Don’t worry I thought you were hot.. I mean way hot, especially with the stunt you pulled, you know, watching me while revving your engine.. And almost rear ending the car in front of you.. So cool, guys.
  • No chocolate in the house…
  • Don’t concern yourself with this mess you left behind, I can clean it up just fine!
  • OMG! my shoulder is killing me!!!! i have a nice hot corn pillow on but all its doing is making me want popcorn!!!
  • Oh Sunday…I love you but you always lead to Monday…which I’m not that big a fan of.
  • I love the smell of sawdust!
  • *sighs*
  • Not really how I wanted to spend the last 2 hours….
  • Black Swan did not disappoint on the creepiness factor.
  • Bigamy = one husband too many. Monogamy = same thing.
  • I don’t recommend feta cheese with vodka. Rank.
  • I am lovin’ the fact that I have major spring allergies, a slight sunburn, and it snowed today!
  • I am going to invent Liquid Duct Tape. That will fix it for sure!
  • Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
  • Ahh…the sounds of the kids yelling at each other, then giggling, then something breaking, then silence, followed by whispered fighting…
  • It smells like dorks, hippies and Indian Tacos here at the Medieval Fair.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS, thanks to my awesome Facebook friends who supplied the awesome content for today’s post. No disrespect intended. Your status updates made me smile!

Which were your favorites? Also, be sure to check out Facebook Status Roast #1!