Contrary to literal and obvious definition, dads aren’t made during those unforgettable moments in which their offspring first see the blinding light of this world. Dads aren’t made when they watch their children take that first gulp of air, when they experience that first heart-melting cry, or when they first get to hold their seemingly breakable infants in their suddenly massive arms.
Dads aren’t made when their children are growing and developing inside the womb, and they aren’t made when their children are first conceived.
The reality is that dads are made much sooner than any of that. Dads are made long before any pregnancy, long before any marriage, engagement, relationship, or even first encounter with their children’s mother. They are made before the time of colleagues, before roommates, before college, and before totality of life as an adult.
In reality, the dad that each man will be is made during his entire childhood and throughout his adolescence.
He is made in those first moments of his life when he experiences, or doesn’t experience, loving touch. He is made as an infant, as he looks eagerly into the eyes of parents who are beckoning him to walk. He is made as a toddler, sitting on the laps of those he loves the most, listening to stories and falling asleep to the raspy voices of his sleep-deprived parents.
He is made in his first days at school, both as he leaves the constant companionship of his guardians and as he encounters a new world filled with friends, peers, and teachers. He is made on the playground during school recess. He is made in the lunchroom as he starts making some of his first personal choices such as selecting his own food and making trades with his classmates. He is made in the hours after he returns home each afternoon, as well as by the people that are there (or not there) when he does.
He is made in every awkward moment as an early adolescent. He’s made by the acne, the pubescence, and the sudden emotional, physical, and sexual urges he’s never felt before. He is made by the advice, or lack of advice, that he is given to survive those often stressful, self-conscious, and difficult years.
He is made in middle school and high school by his hobbies, his activities, and his many life’s undertakings. He is made by the level of his popularity, the degree to which he secludes himself, his bullying of others, or his moments as a bullied child. He’s made with every school event, sporting event, school play, concert, and extracurricular activity of which he gets to be a part both as a participant and as a spectator.
He is made in the individual instances in which he impulsively tests his independence, both minor and major. He’s made in the lying, the cheating, the skipping school, the sexual encounters, the drugs, the pornography, or by his discipline and ability to refrain from any or all of it.
He is made in the moments in which he inevitably fails, and he is made in the aftermath and consequences which inevitably follow each and every time that he does.
He is made by the empathy and the compassion of those who surround him, and he is made by the gossip, the anger, and the vindictiveness that he sees displayed toward others.
As he grows from a child into a young-man, he’s suddenly and drastically shaped by the young-women with whom he makes his friends and with whom he develops his baby-faced romances. He is shaped with every kiss, every hug, every moment of nervousness, every rejection, every triumph, and every heartbreak that he’ll experience in his youth.
The dad that he will be is made by his teachers, the media, his youth advisors, his religious leaders, and the view of the world that he is given by each and every one of them.
He is impressively and indisputably made by his mother, or lack thereof. He is made by her words and by her actions. He is made by her ability and effort to nurture or in her inability to care and guide. He is made by her ability to demonstrate healthy gender roles as much as by any unhealthy or incorrect capacity to validate her own worth and character.
He is made by watching how she is treated, how she reacts to injustice, how she responds to his father, and how she loves men. He is made as she is dipped beneath the mistletoe for a kiss as much as he’s made as she is left to clean up the kitchen every night on her own.
He is made with each touch of her motherly hands. He is made with each whisper of encouragement that she sends his way. He is made from each bitter scolding that breaks the plane of her lips.
And as important and influential as his mother is in regards to the dad he will one day be, he is most dominantly made by the influence and effect that just one man has and will always have on his life.
His father.
He is made in the moments that his father is there, and he is made in the moments that his father is not.
If his father is part of his life, he is made by every communication, both verbal and silent, that his father offers. He is made in every reaction, positive or negative, that comes after every action he himself takes. He is made in every special and magical moment with his dad, and he’s made in every output of discipline or negativity.
He is made on the days that his father chooses to give up anything else and spend quality time with him. He’s made over games of catch in the backyard, fishing excursions, and camping trips on the weekends. He’s made in the moments in which his father helps him with his homework, and he’s made in the moments in which he gets happily lost while working together with his father on an exciting project.
He’s also made in the moments in which his father chooses to watch his favorite television shows or sports games instead. As much as he is made on the trips, the vacations, and the outings with his father, he’s made in the long spans without them. The time he spends with his dad creates the dad within him more than any other factor or force. For good or for bad. For better or for worse.
He’s made in the very moments he sees his dad respond to every difficult thing life inevitably will throw his way. He’s made in the moments when his dad chooses to wallow in self-misery, and he’s made in the moments when his dad refuses to be defined by his failures.
If his father was not part of his life, he is made by every moment that he knew his father should have been there. He is made every time he looks into his mother’s eyes wishing that the man who was once there beside her could still be there. He is made every time he successfully achieves something and every time he devastatingly fails at something, followed by looking up and always meeting the gaze of others instead.
And then one day, whether his father was there or not, when that boy becomes a man and the future dad inside of him has officially been made, he packs up, he leaves home, and he does something significant.
He starts to really digest his upbringing. He begins really looking at what was right with it and what wasn’t right with it. He experiments and he tests the waters of morality, decency, and ethics. He takes a hearty look at what he’s always been taught and decides whether or not those beliefs are worth holding onto.
In the process, he vocally and internally declares everything he currently sees that defines him as a man and as a person. At this point, he knows everything.
Throughout the rest of his life, but especially at this stage, he makes many unforeseen mistakes, and he learns two things each time he does.
First, he learns what he actually believes, and he learns what he no longer believes. He learns that what he originally decided and thought he believed when he first left home will often change with time or perspective. He learns that sometimes his parents, his leaders, his friends, or his peers were right in what they dished out to him in his earlier life. And, he learns that sometimes they were wrong.
Second, he learns that life isn’t as black and white as he originally assumed it to be. He learns that there are more complexities, more complications, and more intricacies to adulthood than he ever imagined. Inevitably, and in varying amounts of time, each man rewinds the clock and begins to appreciate the better and more powerful things that happened in his upbringing, and he latches onto and assigns those things as a part of who he is and who he will always try to be.
And somewhere in this stage of his life, he meets a woman. Then, seemingly quicker than a single beat of the heart, life happens and he finds himself holding his arms out, ready, hesitant, and eager to hold his child for the first time.
He takes the child more tenderly than should be possible, and as he sees those tiny fingers wrapped around his own for the first time, he suddenly realizes that everything he thought he knew is no more concrete than quicksand. He realizes that he knows almost nothing.
Somewhat ironically, when a father first holds his infant, he becomes an infant himself. He is given a clean slate, he must learn everything as if from the beginning, and he must learn to rely on much of the expertise and life experiences of others that before he had ignored, pushed aside, felt was unnecessary, or even scoffed at.
It is only then that a man really has the book of his life opened before him. It is only then that he will get to see which negative traits carried through from his childhood and which negative traits he is already strong enough not to repeat. It is only then that he will get to see which things his parents did that were truly remarkable, and he’ll get to see which of those remarkable things he himself will struggle with as a father. It is only after the first parts of his life are done and a child’s pupils try to focus on him for the first time that he gets to mold, alter, and dissect that reality into a finished work of art.
He suddenly sees life and parenting in a light that couldn’t possibly exist for him before. It doesn’t take long at all for him to realize that everything he’s experienced with his parents, his peers, his teachers, the media, and everyone else in his life has shaped him so strongly that if he wants any say in how he fathers at all, he’ll have to take a proactive and strong-willed approach to it. An approach that he never fully dreamed he’d have to take.
In essence, he swiftly comes to understand that being a good dad, and being a real dad, is not something that just happens. It is a path that is very deliberately chosen by men who very deliberately plan to be good, real dads.
Every father comes to this realization. And every father either makes the choice or he doesn’t.
You must make that choice. You must find the satisfaction in going down the path of fatherhood that takes extra work and exorbitant yet fulfilling amounts of diligence. You must cinch up your belt, tuck-in in your shirt, puff-out your chest, and declare to the world that you’re going to be the best damn dad to ever walk this planet’s terrain.
You must. Because your child is astonishing and incredible. Your child deserves no less than a dad who will do that.
And then, once you’ve made that decision… Start running. And don’t look back.
—–
If you missed it and would like to read this (or other) chapters of The Real Dad Rules, get your copy today! It is available to order on Amazon as a paperback, Kindle, iBook, Nook, or Lulu (hardcover). Get it for yourself. Get it for your kids. Give it as a gift. Just get it, and get in on the conversation!
Today’s post is the first chapter in a free read-along of my new book The Real Dad Rules (which will go on through February of next year). While I wrote this book to everyday dads (from an everyday dad), I believe that its beautiful and empowering message can be applied to and appreciated by mothers and fathers alike.
Okay darn it all, I'm crying to hard to make any coherent statement at the moment.......
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Okay, so I'm (im)patiently waiting for my copy of the book in the mail, and I told myself I wasn't going to read it on your blog, only with my husband when the book arrived....but I was lured in! I couldn't stop myself!
This was wonderful. It makes so much sense and seems so simple, and yet so many men (and women) refuse to ackoweledge this. It is so important to really understand how WE (dads AND moms) were "made" so that we TRULY understand what we are doing when we parent OUR kids!
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I loved this post! Thank you for taking the time to share this.
Dan if I was sitting at home reading this (instead of in my office) I would be sobbing - very beautifully written! As the daughter of a father, and the wife of a father, and the mother of a son I can see myself at so many levels in this. I loved the line of holding your child and realizing everything you knew was no more concrete than quicksand!
Awesomeness!
AWESOME start Dan. I cannot wait to read the rest of it, and plan on getting my copy VERY soon. I am considering getting it for my father for father's day. I think I might require it for any man who may someday father my children too!
Congratulations on your success. I see big things happening in the very near future for this book!
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I really felt that transition from "boy" to "man" or "father" when I first met the little girl we'll end up with someday. She's 5 and living with her grandparents, but eventually they won't be able to take care of her. I've only met the girl a few times, but I love her and would die for her without thinking twice. I'm only 21, but I feel like I've already been her father forever.
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I'm liking this quite a bit. Beautiful chapter. : )
This is beautiful, and it made me cry. I'm a single mom and my son will probably never meet his father. He made the choice not to be a part of our life before we ever saw our first picture of him inside the womb. He still does not know whether he is the father of a son or daughter. It makes me very glad, and very hopeful, that there are men like you in the world. I was beginning to lose faith. So, thank you.
You make my day, every day! I love reading what you have to say...! I read it aloud to my boyfried and we both think you are simply amazing. You're writing is so insperational and compels us to be better parents to our two little ones...
I can't wait to get your book for both my kids fathers for Father's day... although I think I will be snagging my boyfriends copy and reading it too :)
As I was reading this, I became to prepare to disagree with you- however, as I continued to read, you hit the nail on the head. Nit necessarily what many didn't know already, but to be put down eloquently on paper as you did is something to be said. Well done!
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Apologies for the iPhone typos. Should have proofed my post!
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it makes me sad that my own children don't have a dad who will make that choice. instead, he is quickly becoming the same man his own dad was... who died at work and all alone. *sigh* so sad :(
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Loved it!!!!!
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Wow...you hit the nail on the head with your first chapter. The first dad that comes to mind is a good friend of mine who was definitely shaped by the choices his dad made, while he was growing up. He's so determined to be there for his daughter, unlike his dad was...to be the dad he always wanted. Thanks for sharing the first chapter of your book! I'm definitely looking forward to getting my hands on a copy and reading the rest!
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I think this is true for the most part. (It's also true for women and motherhood.) But I also think that you don't know what KIND of parent you'll be until you're in the trenches, so to speak. And some men never truly are "fathers" or "Daddies" even though they have physically fathered children.
I think about my husband, whose father died when he was 12. His memories of what a father is are fuzzy. THey're not always accurate memories - sometimes they're memories that his mind has shaped over time to make them what he needed. Still, without a strong father figure most of his life, he has somehow managed to be a pretty terrific Daddy.
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I agree, who you are going to be is shaped by every influence in your life. I like that you pointed out that ultimately, being a good dad is a choice. I think it's important to emphasize that because we can all choose to be good dads (or moms or whatever other role we have) regardless of the influences in our lives.
Thanks for sharing this.
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That is great! In my blog, I am in the process of exploiting my ex husband (the sperm donor of 2 of my kids) for what he really is. Part 2 comes out today. I can only hope he reads it to see how bad he screwed up. Luckily though, my kids have a great dad in their life right now.
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Totally thrilled that I ordered this for my husband for Father's Day!
I ponder the things we unintentionally become. Not the big stuff, that we choose deliberately, but the little stuff. The stuff that we learned, as you described, from our own completely unique backgrounds and are passing down the line. Good stuff and bad stuff and stuff that doesn't matter either way.
I want to be intentional about ALL of it.
At first I was concerned that the men in my life that I am going to share this book with- might be slightly irritated that I would give them a "parenting" book; I do not have any concerns about it now. I teared up reading this (yes, I am a softie) I know that feeling- even as a mother- we experience the same things. For me, I always compare myself to my mother, I have finally decided after so many years, that I will never be that amazing- But I can be my own kind of amazing! Thanks for sharing Dan! I can't wait to give it to all the guys I know!
I came from a bad background, and have been a single dad for the last 7 years. This post made me cry, and I'm not prone to crying. Many of the emotions and situations you wrote about, I have experienced and gone through myself. It is a choice, and I also feel for those who are so tortured by addiction and other issues that they cannot see clearly the choices they have to make and what they miss out on because of it.
I would also like to remind everyone, and this is one reason that this post made me cry, that it is not only fathers who make empty promises, don't show up, disappear for amounts of time, or struggle with addiction. I have had to explain away the absences of my son's mom at soccer games, teacher's conferences, school concerts, field trips, etc. so many times that I've run out of good reasons to give him, and I'm not sure he believes them any more anyways. Every time I hear him ask "why isn't my mom going to be there?" or "Why wasn't my mom there?" my heart breaks a little more. It must have a couple hundred little cracks in it by now, but I never say anything negative about her or give him a negative reason. Remember, like the post says, it is what they think of both their parents that will form their philosophy and attitude and effect their quality of life and the quality of the lives that they touch or create.
I wish I could afford the book, but being a (currently unemployed) single parent, I'll wait for the chapters here. Thank you for putting our struggles out there for others to be aware of.
I completely agree about never speaking ill of the other parent. That other parent no matter how absent is still apart of that child. Speaking down to the child's other parent is like saying to the child him/herself.
My children haven't lived through abandonment, drugs or have an absent parent. My comment and experience solely comes from children of split homes. I cannot relate to any other kind of situation and my heart goes out to all the parents and children who live through it daily.
I don't know where else to put this, but maybe she will see it here. I also want to let everyone else know that there is a wonderful and generous person out there. After reading my comment, one of the readers emailed Dan and offered to gift me a copy of Dan's book. I don't know who you are, but thank you. That is the most generous and kind thing that somebody has done for me in a very long time. Thank you so much.
I actually ordered this book for my husband for Fathers Day. This chapter made me so happy, I'm thrilled I bought it for him knowing a little more what the chapters pertain to. He's a great father, but he has problems really delving into himself and trying to figure out how to let others in, I'm really hoping that when he reads this, it'll help him undo some of the damage his father did to him.
Plus, this chapter pertains to mothers as well. Just replace Dad and Father with mom and mother. It really got me thinking about how I treat my boys and the habits/hurts my own mother and non-existent father ingrained into me.
You are so right in so many ways about the shaping of future parent! It goes for mothers as well!
Wow, what stength and truth in words...powerful to move the heart of man! Thanks Dan, I really love the section where you said "If your father wasn't a part of his life...". Mine just wasn't. Never really came throug for me in critical areas to absenteeism due to alcloholisma and other issues and eventually checked out through suicide at 13. But, God looked out after me all through my formative years by Fathering me Himself in ways that I could not begin to imagine and then used a number of other faithful men through out my life to bestow a true masculinity in my heart. And through all that, a passion in my heart developed to come through for my children and grandchildren now in ways that not even they can imagine. Your words today remind me of the deep calling inside of me and my story as contained in a song that means a great deal to me called "Walk Like A Man"--thanks for reminding me of what it looks like to "walk like a man".[youtube Txtl9E5K0vE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txtl9E5K0vE youtube]
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So many children in this country are growing up without fathers in the home, or even in their lives. I know more kids without their dads in the home than ones that have them. This is so sad. My husband and myself are both children of divorce. My husband is still haunted by images of his father not showing up to pick him up... the empty promises. I only saw my dad in the summer, but at least when I did see him he was 1005 available. Parenting truly requires two people, a yin and a yang, so to speak. My husband exprienced half-parenting, and now is doing his damndest to be the man his father never was. Props to all the parents doing it alone and doing their best...
Thank you
Beautifully written! It is such a fair commentary, because the truth is, you can pass on both good and bad traits as you parent your child, but you are not bound by one way or the other.
I watch my husband with our son, and I see wonderful instincts of nurturing and calm, and I know they did not come from his father. Some qualities will come from within.
I'm so excited to see more of the book! I think I will be getting this for my dad!! You are an amazing dad and Noah is very lucky to have you. Congrats on your awesome book!
Amazing! Your book is going to be wonderful I can't wait for it to come out.
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Spencer, it already came out... you can order it on Amazon:)
I agree with every word. Good real dads/moms is a choice we make. My husband chose not to be a good real dad. Yet he thinks he is perfect one. I should get this book for him. So his eyes open at last.
Great Dan! I love it
You really seem like an amazing dad! :D
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I love it!! Keep it coming Dan!
It is really just too bad that these "real dads" are so hard to come by when so many kids NEED that father figure in their lives. I sure wish my kids dad could be more like this.
I honestly thought about buying him the book and giving it to him for Father's Day. LOL
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Wow! Nuff said!
I bet you had an awesome childhood!
keem em coming! WISE WORDS, and obviously, REAL ONES! It wasn't an easy task to learn what you have, but it's paying off, as you share them with others!
Absolutely perfect, Dan. I find only agreement. I could have written this, the day I held him for the first time. Or the day I read to him for the first time, or when he first said "Daddy." I have chosen to be his Dad, and it is a blessing that I will never take for granted. It colors every major decision.
And I hope it always does.
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You are definitely right that it is everything that a person experienced that they
can draw on as a parent or will have to fight against. I love how you hold out hope that we can all make the decision to be good parents. We are not bound to those things that we experienced, even though they will affect us.
This is great! As a mom of three boys I really appreciated the insight.
Being a good, real parent comes from the every day small decisions we make. Am I going to sit on the bench at the park or am I going to go down the slide with my kid. Am I going to cook a meal tonight, or just give them junk food. All day, every day, you have to keep making choices, and not always for your kids, but to know when you need to stop and rest so you can return to being a good, real parent. It is incredible to think about what my ex-husband has missed by being too busy for his kids.
I love this post and believe you are very right. However, in the case of my daughter's father, for all your aforementioned reasons, he has chosen to NOT be a father at all, to have dived into drug abuse yet again (life-long escape route) and worthlessness, only to place blame on those who did not nurture him properly in his childhood. Yet, in adulthood, he/they cannot seem to realize that it IS Indeed a choice to be a good dad. It's so sad really. I see this alot in the world.
I couldn't agree with you more. My daughter's father has not been in our lives consistently since she was born. While he was raised by two loving parents, he still cannot accept responsibility for anything he has done in his life. Sometimes people make poor choices their entire lives and never fully "get it". My daughter's father has missed so much of his precious daughter's life and the terribly sad thing is that he has no idea how much he is actually missing out on. I am sure the same is true of your daughter's father.
Incredible! You have such a way with words.
I have always been blessed because the man that raised me is not the one who gave me life, but he is my dad and the standard to which I measured everyone else up to. He made the choice every day to be a real father and my life was better for it. Because of him I knew what I did and did not want or need in a husband and the man I have married is not perfect, but he is real and though we have our squabbles, he works every day to be a dad, not just a father.
Real Dads rule. I have 2 in my life. My Dad and my fiance :)