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On Single Dad Laughing’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure.
- We don’t stick things in people’s butts, honey.
- Your arms are definitely long enough to wipe your own bottom.
- When we poo in the toilet it stays there! We don’t fish it out to show daddy!
- You cannot have anymore of my broccoli until you finish your french fries!
- We do not chew gum found on the underside of tables!
- Why on earth would you pee on your brother?
- Emma, do NOT feed your boogers to your sister.
- We do not put peeps in the microwave, put toothpicks in them, watch them joust, and eat the one that doesn’t blow up.
- We do not put mommy’s lipstick in our bellybutton.
- We do NOT put our naked butts on the dining room table.
- No, zebras do not have boobs!
- Yes, that man does have a penis. All men do. But we don’t talk about it in public. Yes…he does too…. now really, shhhhh….
- Don’t suck my toe!
- No more broccoli until you eat the rest of your dinner!
- Alex, stop peeing on your sister!
- Stop licking the shopping cart.
- No! Don’t put the kitty in the potty!
- Don’t kick Grandma!
- Try not to get poop all over your hands.
- If you got it off of the bottom of your shoe, it’s not a num-num!
- Typing a swear on Facebook is the same as saying it!
- Honey, please don’t lick the tv.
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The only thing I have to add is my blog post on Church Stories, which I hope you will read because I posted it on two blog posts just to get your attention. :)
http://theantileslie.wordpress.com/2013/05/15/church-stories/
Why is your finger in*my* ear?
No, mommy doesn't have a penis and no she doesn't have two butts.
@DenaBoBenaKWagner I just about died. My kids have asked pretty much the same thing, with the "two butts". .... I wonder where they're getting that??
In a conversation with my teen: "Um, Honey, an Escort Service does NOT provide trail guides for mountain hikes......What is an escort service?....umm........
"Please do not poop behind the chair! Toilets are for pooping."
"Why are you licking the dog?"
"Please stop drinking the dog's water. She doesn't drink YOUR water."
"The dog does not want to wear your fairy wings."
"Why would you lock your sister in the toy box?!"
"Why would you stick a LEGO up your nose?!" (Picture a tiny, red, 1x1 round LEGO up your daughter's nose. It took us an hour to get it out.)
"We wipe our bums in this house!"
"Don't say that word. Those are Mommy and Daddy words."
"The kitty doesn't want to drive your toy car". "No, those butterfly wings DO NOT mean you can fly!"
Butts and fannies are NOT for sharing.
Its not called undies.. It's called Wendy's!!
Explain to me why cleaning the porch had to involve painting it? And why I should have known that you were when you texted me at work and asked where the mop bucket was?
Almonds do not go up vaginas.
I am not coming up on that roof to get you down.
No, I am not comfortable with you cutting my nipple off with scissors.
People do not like to have their cars peed on.
It's "penis", not "penguin"
The actual name of the song is "Moves like Jagar", not "MOOBS like Jagar"
Honey, they are called M&M's, not enema's. Now please stop yelling that you want some.
"please don't touch yourself *there* in front of other people. That's something you do by yourself, in your room, preferably with the door closed."
"That is the cat's butthole. Please don't stick your fingers in it, or sniff it."
"Mommy isn't allowed to say the F word, neither are you."
"OMG The produce man did not need you to compliment him on the size of his penis." (this was said during a phase of comparative comments: eg "Odin (3yo) has a little penis, daddy has a BIG penis" therefore in her head all adult males have a large penis, and apparently she felt a need to let a couple of them know about it. =/
"Do not suck juice out of the carpet!"
Why did you shove that pebble up your nose?You do not eat out of the garbage can!
Please stop chewing the leather off my ottoman!
Boys have penis', girls have vaginas, but everyone has a bum, not only boys!
No you can not marry your sister, it's frowned upon.
just cracking up! these are hilarious.
WHY did you pee in the gyro-bowl?!?!
So it wouldn't spill, mom -- DUH! ;-)
@TanyaCox It seems that with boys, it makes more sense to give them a very finite list of things the CAN pee on. If you try to tell them what they can't pee on, you'll inevitably leave something out. Like sisters.
upon recieving a coll from my 6 year old daughter who had thrown the phone at her brother's head, "Is your brother going to stop bleeding or do I have to come home?"
I am busting up laughing over here. I am also suddenly very, very glad that my son is (and will continue to be) an only child. He's also only 18 months, and I'm sure I've said some things to him so far, but given that I have friends with children, none of them have surprised me yet!
"We do not put peeps in the microwave, put toothpicks in them, watch them joust, and eat the one that doesn’t blow up."
Wait, what?! My son and I do that every Easter! It's how we celebrate! lol (Except we eat both of them. Not just the one that doesn't blow up.)
great post
Explain to me how playing Robin Hood involves riding a skateboard out of tree?
WHAT IS WRONG WItH PEEP JOUSTING???
"Rub dirt in it... wait. WHY did you do that?"
Hippos say arf
"No running with a pickle!"
"The word is organism, not orgasm."
"You are not Indianna Jones....so stop hanging from the ceiling fan!" They've broken two ceiling fans doing this.
By far, this is the oddest thing I ever had to say... "You bit his penis?!?! Don't EVER bite your brother's penis again!!!!!"
@MomTo5thPower I have 2 lil boys.... I really hope I NEVER have to say this.......
"No, it's called an udder, not a "milk penis"."
"Yes you have to learn to swim! The earth is 80% water and with the polar ice caps melting, we'll all be swimming eventually."
Stop licking the couch (table, floor, or her daddy who thinks its hilarious)! My daughter is 9 months old and licks everything!
Lizzy, I know you're hungry, but cat poop is NOT food!
Oh my goodness that had me cracking up.
Oh my goodness that has me cracking up.
Don't let the dog lick your face, he licks his weiner and his butt
Izzy, please don't beat my car with a golf ball!
Lol....honey please stop foofing on the kitten....no she doesn't like it.....no you can't just sit on her either....
LOL I've said a few of these. but not "Zebras do not have boobs" that one had me rolling!!
Stop licking your brothers butt. I had to say this 5 times and he just laughed.
I don't care if the cup fits in the toilet- you may not drink the toilet water!!
We DO NOT poop in the toilet brush caddy!
no honey! we don't play with skulls ... that's a Halloween display!
I'm cold, go put a sweater on.
dont sit your sisters' brother's head!!! quit choking your brother!!!
I don't care if you don't like it, I'm getting that booger out of there!
I (pretty regularly) have to tell my son, "Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to touch it ALL THE TIME. Please go in the bathroom."
I recently found myself telling my 2.5 year old "Get your fork out of your underpants!"
Just because your sister threw rotten cucumbers at your head is no reason to pee on her.