On Single Dad Laughing’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure.
- We don’t stick things in people’s butts, honey.
- Your arms are definitely long enough to wipe your own bottom.
- When we poo in the toilet it stays there! We don’t fish it out to show daddy!
- You cannot have anymore of my broccoli until you finish your french fries!
- We do not chew gum found on the underside of tables!
- Why on earth would you pee on your brother?
- Emma, do NOT feed your boogers to your sister.
- We do not put peeps in the microwave, put toothpicks in them, watch them joust, and eat the one that doesn’t blow up.
- We do not put mommy’s lipstick in our bellybutton.
- We do NOT put our naked butts on the dining room table.
- No, zebras do not have boobs!
- Yes, that man does have a penis. All men do. But we don’t talk about it in public. Yes…he does too…. now really, shhhhh….
- Don’t suck my toe!
- No more broccoli until you eat the rest of your dinner!
- Alex, stop peeing on your sister!
- Stop licking the shopping cart.
- No! Don’t put the kitty in the potty!
- Don’t kick Grandma!
- Try not to get poop all over your hands.
- If you got it off of the bottom of your shoe, it’s not a num-num!
- Typing a swear on Facebook is the same as saying it!
- Honey, please don’t lick the tv.
LOL no more broccoli until you eat your dinner is a frequent one at our house (also can be interchanged with peas, carrots or just about any veggie- the 2 youngest think they are vegetarians)
That is a bandaid that ladies use in a different place, get me one that i can stick on my finger. (his father told him feminine pads were band-aids for ladies)
Here are a few that I have said over the last few day. I have two four-year-old boys, a three-year-old boy and a 9-month old daughter.
Please stop pointing at people with your middle finger, they might get the wrong idea!
I don't care if the dog licked you, you can not lick the dog!
No you can't eat another banana, you just had three and if you eat another you might have a banana overdose!
The hydrocortisone cream is not tooth paste!!!
No son, you will not have to wear a bra when you grow up.
Stop screaming, that fly is not going to kill you. Okay, I will try to catch it just calm down.
Please stop yelling, that man is not santa clause, I promise!
After reading a bunch of these I am super glad we don't have pets (kids are allergic anyway)! Holy cow kids seem to have an obsession with their butts and french kissing them!
After spending a couple of hours between the pediatrician's office and then an ENT for a bead that was stuck in my son's ear:
Nurse: I'll be right back. I'm going to get a little container to put that bead in after we get it out. You can take it home.
- nurse leaves room
Son (age 5) - Mom, I don't think I should take that bead home with me!
Me - Why not?
Son - What if I put it in my ear again?
My son (7 years old) discovered a basket full of colorful condoms on the counter of the student services desk at the local college. This is the conversation that followed after the guy told him they were balloons.
Me:"No honey you can't have that, it's not a balloon."
My Son: "What is it?"
Me: "It's something for adults now go put it back in the basket."
Son: "But what is it."
(This continues for a few more "but what is it's")
My friend walks in. "It's a balloon."
Me: "No it's not now go put it back." looks at friend "Don't tell him that! He'll want it then."
Son: "I put it back but what was it."
Me "Something for adults. Now sshhhh."
(a few more "but what was it's follow with me eluding)
Son: "Do you eat it"
Me: "No you don't eat it"
Son: "Well what do you do with it?"
Me: You put it on you.
Me: On your body.
(few more "where"s and "just on your body"s)
Me: You just do.
Son: But why?
(few more "why"s and "you just do"s)
Me: To stop from having little yous!
Me: To stop having little yous!
Son: I don't understand.
Me: So you don't have babies!Son: *gasps* You and daddy don't use them do you?!?!?!?!
Dear, you cannot have milk from the plastic goat!
Don't pull on the cats nuts!
"No, you will not need Mommy band aides when you get older!" Said to my 3 year old son.
A Bitch is a female dog ready to have babies, not what you call me! Now go tell your dad he's sleeping on the couch tonight!
He left a voice-mail on my SIL's answering machine about being excited to see her, his cousins and all of the different ***feces***. "I just cant wait to see the different feces! Do you think the zoo will have any new feces? What is your favourite kind of feces?"
He meant SPECIES, as in animal species. I had to tell him that while he might in fact see some feces at the zoo, the different SPECIES of animals were the main attraction and that feces means poop. I was embarrassed for him at the time but now I think it's hilarious.
"We don't throw babies!" My oldest accidentally tossed my youngest who was 10 months at a time about three feet onto an air mattress while I was staying at my aunts. No harm came to him luckily! We all giggled about it afterwards, including the little one.
"No, that man is not a pirate! People wear eye patches sometimes after surgery or when they hurt their eye. Stop pointing!"
"Stop licking the refrigerator."
"Do not ride down the stairs on the sofa cushions... naked or otherwise." He was naked at the time, his reasoning was that he needed less friction to slide faster lol.
"We don't eat pretzels while in the bathroom using the toilet." The brand new bag went straight to the trash afterwards. Bummer.
These are your favorite veggies, honey - the Latin for them is Greenus Beanus! -
yeah.......only after I say that to the baby do I see all the jaw dropping around the table: they all thought I said 'Greenus Penis" - led to hubby holding one up to watch it limp over to the side....
this list actually had me laughing out loud... i say or have said a ton of these pretty regularly i have a 4yo, 2yo, and a 10month old. mine are normally,
caleb quit telling ur little brother to climb on the entertainment center,
james quit spitting milk on your brothers face
boys quit having a contest to see which one can swing your sister the highest in her baby swing,
maddisynne let go of ur brother hair
james quit throwing things in the toilet
james quit taking off ur diaper and "painting" poop pictures on the walls
Caleb, you are old enough to wipe your own butt, (5 min later): caleb, how in the WORLD did you get poop on the ceiling?.. "well mom, it was on my finger, and i shook my hand like this (he demonstrated) and it just flew up there .. but it made the roof look pretty ... hahahahah
ALL OF THESE (except the last) are DAILY conversations with my 3...
can you tell my household is total CHAOS... all of the time. maybe that is where the dark circles under my eyes came from.. ohh and the patch of grey hair (i'm only 24) lol
when my husband comes home.. he says. *hey baby how was your day* and normally, i just hang my head :D
Rowan: theres an egg on the mayo bottleme: yes darling, thats what it's made from. What do you think tomato sauce is made from?
rowan: erm......erm....i can't remember
Me: think about it...tomato......tomato...sauce
Rowan: Yorkshire puddings?
My boys are now 4 (Rowan) and 1 (Ash)
Do not lick your brother he is not an ice-cream
Your baby brother is not a hurdle
Do you need to kiss all your trains goodnight?
And after receiving a tap on the bum the eldest ran around the house screaming for me to kiss (it better) his bum
Just because mummy can't fix this does not mean daddy can and no we are not driving to his house now (7pm) to ask
There's more, an endless supply, but these were the ones that sprang to mind.........
The house we lived in when I was really little had a wide window in the living room that looked out on the street. I had a babysitter who thought it would be cute if I waved, from the window, to my parents as they pulled out of the driveway in the morning. She encouraged this, and it was cute... And first. Pretty soon I was obsessed with it and if anyone in the house was leaving for any reason for any length of time (even just to run down to the convenience store) I HAD to wave at them from the window and they HAD to wave back, otherwise I was very upset. One day my dad was leaving and my mom could tell he had forgotten about waving, so she stuck her head out the door and bellowed, "WAVE, PLEASE!"just as one of our elderly neighbours was passing by on the sidewalk. To this day I wonder if he thought she was getting mad at him for not waving at her:)
The only thing I have to add is my blog post on Church Stories, which I hope you will read because I posted it on two blog posts just to get your attention. :)
In a conversation with my teen: "Um, Honey, an Escort Service does NOT provide trail guides for mountain hikes......What is an escort service?....umm........
"Please do not poop behind the chair! Toilets are for pooping."
"Why are you licking the dog?"
"Please stop drinking the dog's water. She doesn't drink YOUR water."
"The dog does not want to wear your fairy wings."
"Why would you lock your sister in the toy box?!"
"Why would you stick a LEGO up your nose?!" (Picture a tiny, red, 1x1 round LEGO up your daughter's nose. It took us an hour to get it out.)
"We wipe our bums in this house!"
"Don't say that word. Those are Mommy and Daddy words."
"The kitty doesn't want to drive your toy car". "No, those butterfly wings DO NOT mean you can fly!"
Explain to me why cleaning the porch had to involve painting it? And why I should have known that you were when you texted me at work and asked where the mop bucket was?
Almonds do not go up vaginas.
I am not coming up on that roof to get you down.
No, I am not comfortable with you cutting my nipple off with scissors.
People do not like to have their cars peed on.
It's "penis", not "penguin"
The actual name of the song is "Moves like Jagar", not "MOOBS like Jagar"
"please don't touch yourself *there* in front of other people. That's something you do by yourself, in your room, preferably with the door closed."
"That is the cat's butthole. Please don't stick your fingers in it, or sniff it."
"Mommy isn't allowed to say the F word, neither are you."
"OMG The produce man did not need you to compliment him on the size of his penis." (this was said during a phase of comparative comments: eg "Odin (3yo) has a little penis, daddy has a BIG penis" therefore in her head all adult males have a large penis, and apparently she felt a need to let a couple of them know about it. =/
Why did you shove that pebble up your nose?You do not eat out of the garbage can!
Please stop chewing the leather off my ottoman!
Boys have penis', girls have vaginas, but everyone has a bum, not only boys!
upon recieving a coll from my 6 year old daughter who had thrown the phone at her brother's head, "Is your brother going to stop bleeding or do I have to come home?"
I am busting up laughing over here. I am also suddenly very, very glad that my son is (and will continue to be) an only child. He's also only 18 months, and I'm sure I've said some things to him so far, but given that I have friends with children, none of them have surprised me yet!
"We do not put peeps in the microwave, put toothpicks in them, watch them joust, and eat the one that doesn’t blow up."
Wait, what?! My son and I do that every Easter! It's how we celebrate! lol (Except we eat both of them. Not just the one that doesn't blow up.)
I guess this one doesn't totally count as my mom didn't say it to me, but it was an example of her having to say something ludicrous due to a kid.
@DenaBoBenaKWagner I just about died. My kids have asked pretty much the same thing, with the "two butts". .... I wonder where they're getting that??
@TanyaCox It seems that with boys, it makes more sense to give them a very finite list of things the CAN pee on. If you try to tell them what they can't pee on, you'll inevitably leave something out. Like sisters.