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You said WHAT to your kid? #3

On SDL’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure, as innocent as the moments that made them.

  • Next time you decide to wipe your bum with my toothbrush, please tell me before I use it.
  • We don’t blow up the “balloons” that are in Mommy and Daddy’s nightstand!
  • Get your finger out of my butt. Right now.
  • You’re grounded from reading for the rest of the day. Now go play!
  • Why is there a potato in your underwear?
  • No, I won’t help you get it out. Once you stick it up there, you have to wait until you go to the bathroom again.
  • I don’t know why those dogs are stuck together like that… Look over there at that cool cow!
  • No, there is not a watermelon in my pants. That’s my butt.
  • Did you really just wipe a booger on my arm?
  • Why is your sister outside naked and why are you wearing her clothes and your clothes?
  • I’m not going to let you have sword fights anymore if you can’t keep your pee in the toilet.
  • We do not use poop to glue paper together!
  • Stop peeing in the plants!
  • I know it seems fun to put peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and let the dog lick it off…
  • Why does this room smell like poop, and where are your pants?
  • Don’t play with my boobs in public!
  • Stop trying to pee into each other’s noses.
  • There is no accident so bad you need to throw your underwear away instead of letting me wash them. Now let me see them. Okay, you made a good call.
  • Did you pour honey all over the cat?!
  • Next time put clothes on before you leave the house.
  • Get your naked butt off of your brother’s face!
  • You’re lucky the cat isn’t dead. We do not put animals in the dryer!
  • I know it sounded scary, but Daddy and I were just wrestling and goofing around in there.
  • Who hid their scrambled eggs under the couch cushion? And how long have they been there?
  • No more spinach until you eat a slice of pizza.
  • Honey, it’s not good to point at other people’s private parts and it’s also not good to guess whether they’re big or small inside.
  • You are not the hair-cutter. Get those scissors away from your sister’s hair!
  • You can call your penis whatever you want. Yes, you can call him Little Buddy.
  • Did you really just take a bite out of my deodorant?
  • I don’t care if cats do it. Stop pooping in the sandbox.
  • WHY exactly are you trying to make your feet stick together with peanut butter?
  • Don’t chew on your toenail clippings. No you did NOT see mommy do it, too.
  • When mommy accidentally farts at the store, next time let’s pretend like we didn’t hear anything. The whole world doesn’t need to know who did it.
  • No! I don’t want to smell inside your butt!
  • Let go of your brother’s weenie.
  • Will you please label the jars with the word “fart” next time so I don’t open them? And why are you capturing your farts in jars?
  • Well, what did you think the dog was going to do if you stuck your bare butt right in his face?

If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! If you missed them, be sure to read the first few installments of You Said WHAT to Your Kid?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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204 comments
sages_love
sages_love

No, Eating crayons will not make you a unicorn!

Aimee
Aimee

"You CAN NOT ride the scooter down the slide!"

Heather
Heather

"Stop running or you'll break your cheese!"

Hannah
Hannah

"Please be gentle to Jesus." My daughter has a children's Bible she calls her Jesus book or just Jesus. 

StefineeHelferich
StefineeHelferich

"Your sister is not a punching bag." Said to my 2 year old after she punched her 10 month old sister. She was in her way.

acatt
acatt

Hilarious!!! Mine two favorite are "don't choke your sister with the rosary beads!" And "NO body slamming the baby!"

MichelleStewart
MichelleStewart

"Stop biting the cat!" "Do not put your finger in strange holes!" "Yes, you do have to wash your front butt too!" "My bra is not a bonnet, do you have two heads?" 

2boysmom
2boysmom

"We wear pants in this house!"

"we DO NOT wear underwear on our head!"

"yes i know the dog eats it, but that does not mean we eat dog food"

"Please don't lick the dogs feet"

"I know the dog goes potty outside but we go potty in the bathroom"

NikkiHowell
NikkiHowell

Don't rub pizza on the window. Mashed potatoes don't go on your feet.

Stephenie
Stephenie

I have two children.  My son is 2 1/2 years old and my daughter is 5 months.

Me: Mason, what happened to your sister's pants?

Mason: She took them off.

Me: Mason, she can't take them off.  What happened?

Mason: She did Mommy, she did!  It was AMAZING!

puppychao
puppychao

Get your thumb out of your bum and stop splashing the bath water all over!!!

Mckenzie Anderson
Mckenzie Anderson

"Peyton! Do not squeak that puppy again! He is Not a toy!" My son, who just turned three, thought it was cool to squeeze the puppy so that it would squeak like his alligator squeaky toy...needless to say, he won't be playing with the puppies until they get bigger...lol

monica
monica

please do not stick an ink pen in the cat's nose.
no, son, you can not buy a hooters girl.
seriously? did you really have to tell those people i put a tampon in my butt? yes i know i have my period- but do they need to know that? and for the record it does not go in my butt.

Resh
Resh

No you don't fry and eat your dead pet fish

~T :-/
~T :-/

Today's "I can't believe I actually had to say that out loud" - A sippy cup is not a weapon.

Kelly
Kelly

Come here so Mommy can have you boogers!

leya
leya

why are ther so many coments on poep?

Felicia
Felicia

kEEP YOU ROCKS OUT OF YOUR BUTT!!! My daughter got a bag of rocks from the auarium and she was walking funny because she didn't want the rocks to fall out from between her butt cheeks. I'm so proud of all her talents lol

Odee
Odee

Just what I needed today...maybe tomorrow too!! LOL

tamara
tamara

when i was potty training my son he would take off his clothes and run around. well it got to the point to where i had to tell him to leave his "stuff" alone or it was going to fall off.

bright eyes
bright eyes

Heard "beeping" and laughter coming from the living room, where my then 5 yo son and mother were.
To which I responded "Honey, please stop running the metal detector over your Mamaw's arm" (she has a metal plate from a previous surgery).
He responded "Wonder if she'll set off the metal detectors at the airport?"

melanie
melanie

get your head out of the toilet! we do not wash our hair in toilets.

KimWill
KimWill

Out of the kitchen if you don't have on underwear!!!

KimWill
KimWill

Why are you walking backwards with your pants down?

leah
leah

me: take turns with your sister, fair is fair.
max: but MOM, you said life wasn't fair!

DeAnne
DeAnne

me- you are such a NUT
him- you just called me a TESTICLE!!
My recent post Dont blinkyou may not get another chance

Betsy Bledsoe
Betsy Bledsoe

Stop! That is Mommy's research! You do NOT mess with science or the robotic vacuum cleaner!

Lex
Lex

I don't have kids, but when I was little I can remember my little cousin- she once drew all over the bathroom mirror with lipstick. My uncle called her into the bathroom, pointed at the mirror and said "Did you make this mess?" She was two years old, stared at the mirror, looked at me (I was 7), looked at my uncle, looked back at the mirror and said: "Did you see me do it?"

I also remember, in the first grade, being told to put my head down on my desk after the teacher asked where we were (meaning, the name of the school) and I responded with "A Gulag." with an utterly straight face.

Lex
Lex

I don't have kids, but when I was little I can remember my little cousin- she once drew all over the bathroom mirror with lipstick. My uncle called her into the bathroom, pointed at the mirror and said "Did you make this mess?" She was two years old, stared at the mirror, looked at me (I was 7), looked at my uncle, looked back at the mirror and said: "Did you see me do it?"

I also remember, in the first grade, being told to put my head down on my desk after the teacher asked where we were (meaning, the name of the school) and I responded with "A Gulag." with an utterly straight face.

Jim
Jim

OK...Who buttered my socks?

Alan
Alan

Please, for the last time, take the purple tutu off the poor cat.....yes he likes other boys but that does not make him a drag queen!

Jen
Jen

To my daughter...who proceeded to show me how pretty it was after I said it...."lipstick does not belong in your butt crack"

Crystal Klinginsmith White
Crystal Klinginsmith White

"Don't talk to the squirrel in that tone of voice!"
"Don't lick the dogs ears!"
"Hot dogs don't belong on your feet"
"Don't wash your dishes in the toilet!"
"Don't put your butt on your brother!"

Alex
Alex

One of those actually happened to me. I caught my mom and dad "playing" on their bed and this is what my mom told me "We were wrestling."

Todd @zerotofamily
Todd @zerotofamily

To my daughter during potty training while she was spending way too much time sitting on the toilet with her stuffed toy..."Stop playing with your monkey and get out of the bathroom."
My recent post How To Inspire Your Anorexic Loved One To Feel Accepted

britney
britney

wow weirdish, but ok

Jess
Jess

I joking made the mistake of telling my kid he came from a nut, nut as in acorn. I always told him I found him in it while out for a walk. That a squirrel dropped it. Well, he went to school (he was in 2nd grade at the time) and told his teacher he came from a nut and got in trouble haha.

Erin Maes
Erin Maes

"Who put butter in the cat's water dish??"

samantha
samantha

"stop licking your brother! you don't know where he's been."

M Catherine OliverSmith
M Catherine OliverSmith

Don't kick the jello.
I know that it feels nice, but we do not do that anywhere other than the bedroom.
Disney doesn't allow diapers.
Did you make an icky stinky poo poo?
Yes, I am old. Thank you for noticing.

Courtney Brussel
Courtney Brussel

Things I have said to my two year old daughter.

My daughter loves fruits and veggies. I often tell her no more fruits and veggies till she eats the rest of her food.

I- "Mommy, I got bugs"
Me- "Where are the bugs at?"
I- "In my nose"
(Bugs mean boogers.)

"Your not supposed to put the vapor rub on your privates."

"If you be mean to the cats one more time, Im going to be mean to you"

Me- "what does a cow say?"
I- "Moof"
Me- "What does aunt Tiffy say?"
I- " Oh shit and FML" (Only she said all three words not just F M L)
(I know this isnt something i have said to my daughter, but this is something that was really funny that i thought i should share.)

I- "Mommy, I want boobs"
Me- "In a few years, you will wish you never said that"
She gave me the weirdest look.

"Take mommies bra off. It doesn't fit you, yet"

sarah
sarah

quite frequently i find myself saying to my three year old son- "stop licking the couch!"

Grace
Grace

My 3 year old Son was shooting his toy gun around the house. It was around Christmas time and the Nativity scene was out. He of course was aiming at it and My husband walks by and says "stop shooting at baby Jesus"

Sarah
Sarah

I have three boys, ages 8,6, and 5. Needless to say, playing Army is a way of life in our house. After an especially intense battle scene in our living room, I found myself saying, "Seriously, you guys! Take your turn dying! It's just not fair if you don't die!" Um, yeah.

VeronicaEverett
VeronicaEverett

 @MichelleStewart OMG! My son talks about his sister's "other butt" and she now calls it her butt! Love to see this is not unique lol

memphisrusty
memphisrusty

Have her practice holding them between her knees. It's a talent you'll REALLY appreciate when she's old enough to date...

StefineeHelferich
StefineeHelferich

@Alex Mine said don't worry honey we were just hugging really hard.