On SDL’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would? The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure, as innocent as the moments that made them.

  • Next time you decide to wipe your bum with my toothbrush, please tell me before I use it.
  • We don’t blow up the “balloons” that are in Mommy and Daddy’s nightstand!
  • Get your finger out of my butt. Right now.
  • You’re grounded from reading for the rest of the day. Now go play!
  • Why is there a potato in your underwear?
  • No, I won’t help you get it out. Once you stick it up there, you have to wait until you go to the bathroom again.
  • I don’t know why those dogs are stuck together like that… Look over there at that cool cow!
  • No, there is not a watermelon in my pants. That’s my butt.
  • Did you really just wipe a booger on my arm?
  • Why is your sister outside naked and why are you wearing her clothes and your clothes?
  • I’m not going to let you have sword fights anymore if you can’t keep your pee in the toilet.
  • We do not use poop to glue paper together!
  • Stop peeing in the plants!
  • I know it seems fun to put peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and let the dog lick it off…
  • Why does this room smell like poop, and where are your pants?
  • Don’t play with my boobs in public!
  • Stop trying to pee into each other’s noses.
  • There is no accident so bad you need to throw your underwear away instead of letting me wash them. Now let me see them. Okay, you made a good call.
  • Did you pour honey all over the cat?!
  • Next time put clothes on before you leave the house.
  • Get your naked butt off of your brother’s face!
  • You’re lucky the cat isn’t dead. We do not put animals in the dryer!
  • I know it sounded scary, but Daddy and I were just wrestling and goofing around in there.
  • Who hid their scrambled eggs under the couch cushion? And how long have they been there?
  • No more spinach until you eat a slice of pizza.
  • Honey, it’s not good to point at other people’s private parts and it’s also not good to guess whether they’re big or small inside.
  • You are not the hair-cutter. Get those scissors away from your sister’s hair!
  • You can call your penis whatever you want. Yes, you can call him Little Buddy.
  • Did you really just take a bite out of my deodorant?
  • I don’t care if cats do it. Stop pooping in the sandbox.
  • WHY exactly are you trying to make your feet stick together with peanut butter?
  • Don’t chew on your toenail clippings. No you did NOT see mommy do it, too.
  • When mommy accidentally farts at the store, next time let’s pretend like we didn’t hear anything. The whole world doesn’t need to know who did it.
  • No! I don’t want to smell inside your butt!
  • Let go of your brother’s weenie.
  • Will you please label the jars with the word “fart” next time so I don’t open them? And why are you capturing your farts in jars?
  • Well, what did you think the dog was going to do if you stuck your bare butt right in his face?

If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! If you missed them, be sure to read the first few installments of You Said WHAT to Your Kid?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 2 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!