Ever have one of those days where you just need to feel better about yourself? That’s me. Today. So I got to thinking. Who is the toughest guy on earth who never has days like this and who is always the awesomest ever. Well, Chuck Norris of course.

So, in an attempt at making myself feel awesome, I am going to insert my name into a bunch of awesome Chuck Norris one-liners. Hopefully it’ll make me feel as incredible as the great Chuck Norris, even if just for today. If you haven’t heard the Chuck Norris jokes that people are always making, I’m not sure this will be as funny to you. Either way, enjoy.

Dan Pearce is the new Chuck Norris.

  • Dan Pearce’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Dan Pearce counted to infinity. Twice.
  • Dan Pearce does not go hunting because the word hunting infers failure. Dan Pearce goes killing.
  • If you can see Dan Pearce, he can see you. If you can’t see Dan Pearce, you may be seconds away from death.
  • Dan Pearce sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Dan roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Dan Pearce.
  • Dan Pearce has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  • They once made a Dan Pearce toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take crap from anybody.
  • A blind man once stepped on Dan Pearce’s shoe. Dan replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Dan Pearce!” The mere mention of his name cured this man’s blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Dan Pearce.
  • There is no chin behind Dan Pearce’s beard. There is only another fist.
  • On the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Dan Pearce, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  • Dan Pearce is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Crop circles are Dan Pearce’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.
  • China was once bordering the United States, until Dan Pearce roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
  • If you have five dollars and Dan Pearce has five dollars, Dan Pearce has more money than you.
  • When Dan Pearce had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
  • Dan Pearce once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
  • Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Dan Pearce. Dan showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
  • If Dan Pearce is late, time better slow the heck down.
  • Dan Pearce sleeps with a night light. Not because Dan Pearce is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Dan Pearce.
  • Dan Pearce frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • Dan Pearce doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Dan tells it to.
  • If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Dan Pearce.
  • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Dan Pearce.
  • If you want a list of Dan Pearce’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
  • Dan Pearce does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the official spelling of it.
  • Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Dan Pearce.
  • Dan Pearce got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Dan Pearce for every answer.
  • Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Dan Pearce to die before they attack.

Yep. That definitely made me feel better. Maybe everybody should do this exercise when they’re feeling particularly crappy.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. What are some other Chuck Norris jokes? Give ’em to me with YOUR name in them!