A little while back, I asked you on Twitter and Facebook “what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?”

kids-uncensored

Here are your responses, uncensored and unedited, all just as innocent as the children who said them! More than 900 responses came in. Plenty to last us for at least a “few” years posts here on Single Dad Laughing.
  • My 5 year old told me the other day, “when you get old you can live with me.” What about dad, I asked. “Him too, but you each get your own room so when he toots in bed you don’t have to smell it.”
  • While trying to ask for a tissue, my three-year old said, “can I have a tennis shoe?”
  • My 6 year old: Mom do you know what rhymes with seven?” Me: “What?” Son: “Heaven” Me: “Right. Do you know what heaven is?” Son: “Yes I do! You know world 7 on Super Mario Bros where they are up in the clouds? That’s heaven!”
  • Last year, when my son was in kindergarten, I asked him on music day what he learned. He said they listened to jazz, and that he heard a great singer and that her name was Elephants. “Elephants?” I asked. Yes. “Elephants Gerald.” I couldn’t stop laughing when I realized he was talking about Ella Fitzgerald.
  • My butt burped.
  • I know what P.E. stands for….. gym!
  • You’re not a person. You’re a Mommy!
  • I’m not going to show my friends at school my new Gabba undies. Okay, maybe just a little.
  • My three-year-old son said, “Mommy we need a baby in the house.” My response, “And who is going to have the baby?” He replied, “My daddy and my grandma.”
  • My first born son was 7 years old when my daughter was born. A couple weeks after I had her, I took her to a local department store where we ran into a Great Aunt of mine who asked, “Are you going to have any more babies?” To which my son replied “Nope, she got her boobs tied!”
  • My youngest son: “Mom says we can’t see it because it is imapropret.” My older son: “What’s imapropret?” My Youngest son: “I think it means it has kissing and naked butts in it.”
  • My 3 yr old (who was really into pointing out letters everywhere we went) was SOOOO excited to announce after using the toilet, “I pooped a J and three I’s!”
  • My son and I stopped to look at a jewelry counter at one of the big box stores. We paused at the diamonds (my idea) and he suddenly gasped and pointed at a giant diamond cross pendant. He sighed and said, “Jesus would LOVE this!!! He could give it to his wife!”
  • One morning I woke up with a very stiff neck. I was asking my 4 year old to hand me something, as it was hard for me to move without pain. She looked at me and said ” You sound a little whiney mama. You need to ask again nicely.”
  • My two year old niece was sitting on my very pregnant lap when the baby kicked “what was that?” she asked. “It’s your cousin.” “Why did you eat her?!”
  • My 2-year old was sitting at the table eating her sandwich. She says so sweetly, “I love you .” I was cleaning up the counter. “Aww, I love you too!” I replied. “Not you, mom!.. Peanut butter JAM!”
  • For the three months before her fourth birthday, my oldest daughter would burst into tears every time we mentioned she was going to be four. “But I don’t want to get married!” she’d wail. “I don’t want to get married and have to live far away from my parents!”
  • Hey Mom, did you know that Octopus can walk out of water? February Fools! That means I lied to you!
  • Mom, how do you say tacos in Spanish?
  • My 11 year old was having a slumber party. 8 girls were upstairs having fun and being extra loud. My 7 year old son was downstairs doing a craft with his little brother and a couple adult friends who were over. He looked at all 4 of us adults and said “I can’t believe I’m going to date one of those wild animals!”
  • When my son was three, we were walking in a hurry. I said, “come on, pick up your pace.” He stopped and looked around his feet and asked, “where’s my pace?”
  • When my daughter was four, I introduced her first chapter book without pictures: Anne of Green Gables. After reading for about fifteen minutes, I looked over and found her quiet and still, with her eyes closed. I gingerly tried to slide off the bed and her eyes shot open as she stated, “Mommy, I’m not sleeping. I’m just drawing the pictures in my brain.”
  • While at the store shopping I was thinking out loud about what I still needed to get. My 4 yr old then shouts out “My mom makes water into milk from her Boobies!”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Thank you so much to everybody who replied. Which was your favorite? What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?

Oh, and if you missed the first edition or the second edition of Kids UncensoredCheck them out. You all really came through on those ones too.
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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!