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Kids Uncensored #3

A little while back, I asked you on Twitter and Facebook “what is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?”

kids-uncensored

Here are your responses, uncensored and unedited, all just as innocent as the children who said them! More than 900 responses came in. Plenty to last us for at least a “few” years posts here on Single Dad Laughing.
  • My 5 year old told me the other day, “when you get old you can live with me.” What about dad, I asked. “Him too, but you each get your own room so when he toots in bed you don’t have to smell it.”
  • While trying to ask for a tissue, my three-year old said, “can I have a tennis shoe?”
  • My 6 year old: Mom do you know what rhymes with seven?” Me: “What?” Son: “Heaven” Me: “Right. Do you know what heaven is?” Son: “Yes I do! You know world 7 on Super Mario Bros where they are up in the clouds? That’s heaven!”
  • Last year, when my son was in kindergarten, I asked him on music day what he learned. He said they listened to jazz, and that he heard a great singer and that her name was Elephants. “Elephants?” I asked. Yes. “Elephants Gerald.” I couldn’t stop laughing when I realized he was talking about Ella Fitzgerald.
  • My butt burped.
  • I know what P.E. stands for….. gym!
  • You’re not a person. You’re a Mommy!
  • I’m not going to show my friends at school my new Gabba undies. Okay, maybe just a little.
  • My three-year-old son said, “Mommy we need a baby in the house.” My response, “And who is going to have the baby?” He replied, “My daddy and my grandma.”
  • My first born son was 7 years old when my daughter was born. A couple weeks after I had her, I took her to a local department store where we ran into a Great Aunt of mine who asked, “Are you going to have any more babies?” To which my son replied “Nope, she got her boobs tied!”
  • My youngest son: “Mom says we can’t see it because it is imapropret.” My older son: “What’s imapropret?” My Youngest son: “I think it means it has kissing and naked butts in it.”
  • My 3 yr old (who was really into pointing out letters everywhere we went) was SOOOO excited to announce after using the toilet, “I pooped a J and three I’s!”
  • My son and I stopped to look at a jewelry counter at one of the big box stores. We paused at the diamonds (my idea) and he suddenly gasped and pointed at a giant diamond cross pendant. He sighed and said, “Jesus would LOVE this!!! He could give it to his wife!”
  • One morning I woke up with a very stiff neck. I was asking my 4 year old to hand me something, as it was hard for me to move without pain. She looked at me and said ” You sound a little whiney mama. You need to ask again nicely.”
  • My two year old niece was sitting on my very pregnant lap when the baby kicked “what was that?” she asked. “It’s your cousin.” “Why did you eat her?!”
  • My 2-year old was sitting at the table eating her sandwich. She says so sweetly, “I love you .” I was cleaning up the counter. “Aww, I love you too!” I replied. “Not you, mom!.. Peanut butter JAM!”
  • For the three months before her fourth birthday, my oldest daughter would burst into tears every time we mentioned she was going to be four. “But I don’t want to get married!” she’d wail. “I don’t want to get married and have to live far away from my parents!”
  • Hey Mom, did you know that Octopus can walk out of water? February Fools! That means I lied to you!
  • Mom, how do you say tacos in Spanish?
  • My 11 year old was having a slumber party. 8 girls were upstairs having fun and being extra loud. My 7 year old son was downstairs doing a craft with his little brother and a couple adult friends who were over. He looked at all 4 of us adults and said “I can’t believe I’m going to date one of those wild animals!”
  • When my son was three, we were walking in a hurry. I said, “come on, pick up your pace.” He stopped and looked around his feet and asked, “where’s my pace?”
  • When my daughter was four, I introduced her first chapter book without pictures: Anne of Green Gables. After reading for about fifteen minutes, I looked over and found her quiet and still, with her eyes closed. I gingerly tried to slide off the bed and her eyes shot open as she stated, “Mommy, I’m not sleeping. I’m just drawing the pictures in my brain.”
  • While at the store shopping I was thinking out loud about what I still needed to get. My 4 yr old then shouts out “My mom makes water into milk from her Boobies!”
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Thank you so much to everybody who replied. Which was your favorite? What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say?

Oh, and if you missed the first edition or the second edition of Kids UncensoredCheck them out. You all really came through on those ones too.
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69 comments
spidermonkey29
spidermonkey29

My son got a camera for his 4th birthday. On it he had a picture of his grandpa, who he hasn't seen in a long time and himself. I asked what the picture was of and his reply was "Oh! That's just me with the creepy old guy!" I told him that that wasn't a creepy old guy but his grandpa and he just looked at me for a second and went on playing... :-)

LyssaBetz
LyssaBetz

"When my daughter was four, I introduced her first chapter book without pictures: Anne of Green Gables. After reading for about fifteen minutes, I looked over and found her quiet and still, with her eyes closed. I gingerly tried to slide off the bed and her eyes shot open as she stated, “Mommy, I’m not sleeping. I’m just drawing the pictures in my brain.” -that's precious♥

Angi H.
Angi H. like.author.displayName 1 Like

While out watering our vegetable garden, my 14 yr old says "Hey! This is just like Farmville!"

rachel
rachel

I remember once when I was (much, much) younger, and babysitting for three young children. The youngest, who was a beautiful little boy with big blue eyes and blonde curls, put rollers in my hair, and dreamingly said, "You look so beautiful with rollers..."

natbug
natbug

When my son was 3 he loved watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I was pregnant with my second son at the time (yes, I felt the need to explain..wait..you'll see why.) There was an episode where Sabrina ate a whole bunch of pancakes and blew up like a blimp. She then took a fork and "popped" her tummy, fizzling back down to normal size. My darling 3 year old turns to me with a look of genius on his little face and says, "Mommy! why don't you take a fork to your butt?!"

Goosey
Goosey

On my cousin's last birthday, her rather dramatic almost-six-year-old was being disobedient, so she finally received a swat on the behind. She turned to her mother in tears and accused, "You just hurt someone you LOVE on your BIRTHDAY!!" I nearly died laughing.

Rachel
Rachel

we are in the midst of vacation bible school at my church this year, and i have 18 kindergartners in my class, many of whom do not go to our church. among these children is a little boy who on monday thought the little movie clip we watch every day should be zombieland, tuesday was INSISTENT that mary poppins is real because she made a movie, and yesterday told me that my sister and i are absolutely NOT sisters and do NOT have the same parents because we don't have the same hair color. i can't wait to hear what he has to say today.

Emmy Jones
Emmy Jones

My 4 year old daughter said to me one day while sitting on my lap as I was on my computer, she saw a animated picture of a girl with freckles on her face and said: "Mom what are those Sprinkles on her face?" "Those are called freckles, see look." as I pointed one out on her arm. "Oh I think those are called sprinkles."

Jen
Jen like.author.displayName 1 Like

My seven year old son is notorious for forgetting things. One day, after a panicked moment in the school parking lot where he thought he left his backpack at home, I handed it to him and he breathed a sigh of relief. I asked him, "What would you do without your Mommy?" His reply, over his shoulder, walking in at the bell: "Mom, I'd be nothing but a dirty little hippy without you. See you at 3:00!"

Jude
Jude

Funny stuff!

When my son was about 4 he was snuggled up to me while I read a story to him. He looked up at me adoringly and said "Mommy, your stink is in my nose!" I always wear perfume and I think (I hope!) he was saying I smelled nice!

He's now 21 and we still tease him about this. xD

Marie
Marie like.author.displayName 1 Like

babysitting, i told the 7 year old that my grandpa was going to be 91 on his birthday! She was shocked and said "Wow! He lived in the black and white days! when there was no color."

sassymama23
sassymama23

I always love these posts. Kids are the best!
My recent post I Am A Girly Girl

Agro
Agro like.author.displayName 1 Like

My 2 year old had dry eyes (a Las Vegas summer can do that to the best of us) and asked for "blinking juice".
It took me a second to work out that she wanted eye drops but didn't know the words. I asked her if she meant eye drops & she said yes and always used the correct words since then.

Jenn
Jenn

On his 3rd birthday my nephew was playing with my mother but she was also watching my 4 month old neice. One of the presents he got was a hawk (don't ask, they're crazy) which when squeezed made a very lifelike attack cry. In an attempt to get my nephew involved in entertaining the baby she had him making noises to make the baby laugh. That backfired when he growled in the 4 month old's face so she switched tactics and started talking about the hawk and how it hunted, etc. She reached the point where the hawk 'swooped' to catch its prey, explaining they ate small animals, etc and the 3 year old said "and maybe racoons"(maybe is currently his favorite word)...my mother was stumped and while thinking of something to say he got the hawk and made it scream in the baby's general direction so she got fussy and needed to be calmed down, at which point the 3 year old added "and maybe a baby..."

Lodrak
Lodrak

When we went to get an ultrasound for my second child (my oldest was 7,) the nurse asked if he wanted a brother or a sister...He replied, with a look of shock, " A BROTHER!" The nurse said "What happens if you have sister?" He turned and looked at my husband and I with this look of pure dismay and said.."THAT COULD HAPPEN?" Luckily, he has a little brother lol.

lee
lee

my four year old told me yesterday, while we were in the shops: mommy, sex means love. i sex you mommy!

Sheila
Sheila

James was 5 years old when this came from the backseat--"Mom, how many people are in the world?" Me-- "oh I think we're up to about 6 1/2 billion now..." Him-- "What number am I?"

Kyle was about 3 when I was putting him to bed and says--" You know that stuff you go on and on about?" Me-- "What stuff?" Him--" You KNOW!--when your talking and telling us stuff--- I know ALL that stuff" Me-- "You DO huh?" Him-- "Oh yeah--I knew all that stuff, all that stuff you talk about, ever since I was a baby" Me-- "Really? Well why didn't you say something sooner?" Him-- "Because (big eye roll) I was a BABY and babies can't TALK!!" With the biggest GEEESH expression you ever saw!!

Rachy rach
Rachy rach

My roommate was babysitting a little girl. When she tried to get them to pray before they ate, the little girl said, "I don't want to pray! It will take forever and I will get a headache!"
My recent post Ramen and Popcorn: Super 8

Aubrey Wallace
Aubrey Wallace

When I found out I was pregnant I went ot the OB and had to take my 4 year-old son with me. We were sitting in the waiting room and he picked up a magazine and said, "Mommy that lady has a baby in her tummy!"
I asked what he would think if I had a baby in my tummy. He replied "I wouldn't like it!" Me: Why?
Him: Because I am not ready to move out yet, I don't want to get a job! Me: Honey you don't have to move out. Him: But mom there is no room for a baby and I don't want to share my room! Me: Well we are going to buy a new house with enough room for the baby. Him: But Mom can't we live in the new house too? Me: Yes sweetheart we will all leave in the new house!

sustahl
sustahl

My favorite was "My 3 yr old (who was really into pointing out letters everywhere we went) was SOOOO excited to announce after using the toilet, "I pooped a J and three I's!"

My 12 year old came downstairs a few weeks ago and said, "I just pooped turdzilla!" The next day he came down and said, "If I pooped Turdzilla yesterday, then I pooped his dad today". Poop humor never gets old.
My recent post The bright idea of painting

Jules
Jules

Riding in the car My cousins son saw the road work that was being done. There was a big hole in the road. He looked at her and said "Mom,I bet that is Expensive! It was all she could do to not have a car accident while she was laughing soo hard.

Julie
Julie

After seeing a commercial for paint. He says " Mom can wall really talk" My reply " Yes." He says " I've never heard the." I said you just didn't listen close enough" He then walked over to the wall puts his ear up to it and says " Nope still can't hear them."

Aubrey Wallace
Aubrey Wallace

When my son was 4 he was trying to rebiuld a Lego truck, but was having trouble and asked for help. I told him that I hadn't seen what it was supposed to look like, but he insisted. After about 10 minutes I handed him what I thought to be a really cool dump truck. My son paused for a minute then said, "Mommy this is a crappy truck!" Nice to know that he was listening at some point in his life!

Betina
Betina

My stepdaughter was having dinner with her parents while they were talking over the days events. They were commenting on different things they'd seen on tv. She was only 4 at the time. She finally spoke up and said"You know sometimes people are ---holes, but that's ok cause sometimes I'm a ---hole too!" Makes you wonder how to handle that one huh?LOL

Marie
Marie

After my preschool class came in from playing in the sprinklers, a little boys shirt was wet and stretched out and falling off his shoulder. One little girl said "Sam, pull up your shirt, i can see your boobies." To which another girl said, "girls have boobies, boys have pecs."

Miss Lynx
Miss Lynx like.author.displayName 1 Like

My son has said so many funny things over the years that it would be hard to pick just one. Here are a few of my favourites:

* "I could use special diseases that are in poo to get rid of the government."
* (when angry) "I want to get rid of EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!"
* "But I CAN'T go to sleep - I'm too interested in LEGO!"
* (also, Lego related - and for Doctor Who fans) "I'm building a Dalek prison place. That hole there is for them to get groceries through, so they don't take over the world while they're out getting groceries."
* (when complaining about his jeans, and I asked if there were other pants he'd rather wear) "NO! I don't like ANY pants at all! I want to BREAK all my pants! I want to break my pants and my shirt and my socks and my boots and my coat and my hoodie! I want to break all my clothes into little pieces and throw the threads at cars!"
My recent post I haven't updated in HOW long?

Jani
Jani

My son is addicted to Dr. Who. (He just turned 6) He had a tardis cake for his birthday and him and his sister run around yelling Exterminate all the time! Much love for raising them to be Whovians.

Sheila
Sheila

Nice to see someone else giving a proper education with Dr. Who ;) My son runs around the playground yelling EX-term-in-ATE!!! and all the other kids look at him crazy...

Miss Lynx
Miss Lynx

LOL! My son picked that up too, and my ex had a bit of a problem with it. One time when he was marching around her place yelling that, she sat him down and said "Honey, I really don't like you saying that. Do you even know what it means?" He shook his head no. "It means 'kill'. So walking around saying that is like saying 'Kill! Kill!'"

Unfortunately, being a 3-year-old boy, he thought that was hilarious, and promptly started marching around chanting "Kill! Kill! 'Exterminate' means kill!"

And of course, when she told me about this, I had to attempt to look suitably concerned, while on the inside I was cracking up laughing at the mental image...
My recent post In which I fail to come up with a witty title involving TMBG and dog butts

Nancy
Nancy

My daughter used to call tissues, "bless you's". It was so cute - she would sneeze, and then ask for a "bless you". Is it wrong that I never corrected it? She eventually outgrew it, but it remains one of my very favorite word substitutions. :)

Kent
Kent

My 10 yr old son speaking about his mother: "I love her, but she's the most irritating, annoying person I know." LOL

Stephanie S.
Stephanie S.

OUCH! Granted that may be a funny thing to laugh about now, my child would be in deep doo-doo if she/he ever spoke of their dad (or any adult) like that.
My recent post Special Price through July 4th - Double Layer Chiffon Tutu Tights/Leggings - Set of 3 by Sassi Pants Boutique

redlady
redlady like.author.displayName 1 Like

I found it wonderfully refreshing and honest. It is a perfect teaching moment to talk about how we can love someone and be annoyed by them, but the love continues. Or why moms are so annoying, or list all the great things about her. If our kids don't tell us what they think, we can't help them learn to think better.

Amy
Amy

Love it!

My kids say so many funny things, I can't write them all down! Here's a few:

Me (after son always calling me Amy instead of Mommy): You can't call me Amy! You can only call me Mommy!
Son: But Daddy calls you Amy!
Me: That's because Mommy and Daddy are married.
Son: Well, when I grow up and we get married, I'll call you Amy.

Son, after learning I was pregnant with baby #3: Where is the baby?
Me: In my tummy.
(long pause) Son: Baby not food. Let's go to the store and buy a baby and put it in your tummy. Sounds perfect?

Clare
Clare

lol kids are great. It's amazing the things their little minds come up with!
My recent post #34, #37 & #68/BIG Country Bash

Lanii
Lanii

We had turned onto the main street and drove past the service station where there was a big tanker. "Look Mummy, we're getting fresh petrol"

Ronda
Ronda

My 10 year old made the comment to his Taekwondo teacher yesterday that they were men, that ment they get to shoot guns and BBQ & that was about it.

Tiffany
Tiffany

Gotta say, the last one about turning water into milk with her boobies is my fave. I'm a new mom and breastfeed and my 4 yr old nephew asked my mom why I had a blanket over my shoulder he wasn't allowed to touch. Well my mom and sister decided he was old enough to know that not all babies are fed formula like his baby brother. So they tell him, he says nuh-uh, removes the blanket and proceeds to tell me that milk comes from a jug and not my boobies and that its gross to feed on mommies

Sheila
Sheila

aww! thats sad...

Lindsey
Lindsey

This morning while at his Speech Therapy appt....He was with his therapist and she was having him name the parts of his body, he was going on and on "this is my knee, my elbow, my wrist"...then he pointed at his calf (like Vanna White would) and said "AND THIS is my chicken leg"

heidi
heidi

"My mom makes water into milk from her Boobies!" HAHAHAHA! That was by far my fav!!

MammaZ
MammaZ

My 4 year old daughter was at her cousin's birthday party last weekend. The birthday girl, who turned 9, got a laptop from her parents ( for the family to use, not just the 9 year old). After seeing the laptop gift, my 4 year old goes up to her uncle and says, " You're invited to my next birthday and you have to get me a computer too". I laughed so hard I was in tears.

Jenn H
Jenn H like.author.displayName 1 Like

My favorite has to be "why did you eat her?!", lol. Priceless. I have 3, and they've all said some memorable things, but I still love that a few weeks ago, when my husband and two tweenage daughters were headed out to youth group (my husband being the youth pastor), they left my five year old son, who was playing Star Wars on the Wii, home with me. As my husband told him goodbye, he said, "take care of Mom, ok?". A few minutes after they'd gone, I heard my son say to himself, "A real man loves his Momma AND saves the galaxy!!" Yes, yes he does, little man.

Angelina
Angelina

These are so adorable!
I couldn't pin just one thing my kids say that have me going.."What did you just say?"
My recent post My curly haired cutie.....& what I finished Making ;)

Susan
Susan

I think my favorite is " My two year old niece was sitting on my very pregnant lap when the baby kicked "what was that?" she asked. "It's your cousin." "Why did you eat her?!"" followed by "You're not a person. You're a Mommy!"

Christi
Christi

She got her boobs tied???!!!! Great one!
My recent post Wordless Wednesday: Eleven Years Later

Sara
Sara

I have a nearly-two-year old, and have just started showing as I enter the second trimester of my second pregnancy. My five-year-old niece recently said, "Auntie, your belly is starting to get really big again, when it had just gotten small."

Papaya
Papaya

here's another one for the books: I'm a daycare teacher, and a few years ago, as i was changing one of my 2year olds, mid change, pants and diaper off, she farts, looks at me, and exclaims; "I poopied on the floor!"

Chris Sniezak
Chris Sniezak like.author.displayName 1 Like

Very cute...when my son was 4 we drove past a herd of Buffalo and he asked what "they (Buffalo) do when they see red; I explained to him that Buffalo wouldn't do anything, but that a bull would charge if they say red. His reply "How do they charge, if they don't have cords!!" It took me a couple of seconds to realize what he meant and then I nearly drove off the road. Another time, when he was 4 we went Blackberry pickin, and he said "Mom, you don't pick blackberries, you talk on them!"

Sarah
Sarah

Ahahaa! Modern kids.