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The further I get into parenting, the more I realize that parenthood is just like anything else. If you are only happy when you’re perfect at it, you’re never going to be happy.
Parenting is tough. Every kid on earth is going to hand his or her own unique set of challenges to her caretakers. No matter how good parents are, there are going to be days when they want to pull their hair out, stay in bed, or take a permanent vacation.
And as convinced as I have become of that, I have also become convinced that one other universal truth exists. In parenthood, the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer. Or perhaps a better way to put it would be, the good parents find it easier and easier while the poor parents find it to be increasingly difficult. I’ll touch on that more in a sec.
Ever since writing You just broke your child, I have received a steady stream of emails from parents who have somewhat or completely lost themselves as moms or dads. They have yelled, screamed, demeaned, tore down, and hurt their children over the years, and they feel defunct or ruined, not knowing how to turn things around for the better. And they all want to know where they can start.
To all of those parents, I have always responded with one single piece of advice.
Have better moments.
Deeply engrained habits are hard to break. But they’re not impossible. Learned and instinctually wrong behavior is even harder. But it’s also not impossible.
A person who has gained 100 lbs, often gets overly frustrated when they can never seem to make one solid decision to eat healthy and exercise forever more, and then keep that goal. They make the goal over and over again, and they ultimately fail every time. Likewise, parents who have badly parented themselves into a corner often get so frustrated when they can never seem to make that one solid decision to be a perfect parent, never yell, never lose their temper, never slack off, and never slip in their goals. These parents tend to make the goal over and over again, and they also fail every time.
The overweight person who sets goals this way inevitably gets bigger and bigger, packing on a few extra pounds every time the scale swings up again. The parent who parents this way inevitably gets worse as the frustrations of not being able to control everything the way they’d like increasingly weigh down their already low parenting self-esteem.
So what should parents in this situation do? They should work on having better moments.
Instead of saying “today, I’m going to be a perfect parent,” they should say, “I’m going to do something in the next five minutes (or better yet, for the next five minutes) to be a good parent.” They should forget about today. They should forget about tomorrow. They should focus on something small, and something they should do and can do now. What they’ll find is that if they start doing this a few times every day, everything else starts clicking into place. Good parenting, slowly and methodically begins to become “normal.” They’ll also find that perfection as a parent doesn’t exist, can’t exist, will never exist, and they will realize that the pursuit of such perfection is self-damaging and self-destructive.
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I'm new to following your posts.
You have excellent insight and clear ways of expressing yourself.
Thank you for that.
You absolutely hit the nail on the head.
2 years ago I was with a man that had cheated on me repeatedly. He was selfish and said hurtful things to both my son and I (he is not my son's father). My son was so unhappy that he was throwing tantrums daily, constantly. We were both miserable. I finally asked myself why I was there, why had I stayed so long? What was keeping me there? Fear. I was terrified to leave. I was terrified of failing. I was terrified of trying. But I finally made the decision to leave, to leave my home town and start over. I packed as many of my belongings as I could and my then 5yo son left California and drove to Pennsylvania (my best friend had moved there 10 years prior). It was a nerve wracking and exhilarating journey. We drove for 4 days and arrived at our new home. After such a long journey you'd think I'd feel triumphant. I was depressed. My son and I still fought constantly over every tedious thing. The only thing that had changed in my mind was that I was dealing with it alone. I had no one to blame but myself. So I blamed myself a lot.
Then, eventually, I started to really look at what I'd done. I started to feel empowered. My perspective started to change and I started valuing myself. I had made a big decision to change our lives. My wise little man told me how much he loved me for bringing me to this new place. That he loved his new house and he loved his Mom. That he loved the fact that I was singing again. I hadn't even noticed that I had stopped singing around the house like I used to. He loved the fact that we weren't constantly yelling and arguing with each other.
It wasn't overnight, but eventually we really started to communicate. Instead of reacting I started talking.
My relationship with my son is the complete opposite of where we were 2 years ago. I am proud of who I am, as a Mother and as a Woman. I am even more proud of the intelligent and caring young man that my son has become. We've made some truly beautiful memories since I made the decision to put him first in my life.
I am not a parent (I am 19), but this still helped me out tremendously. I can apply this to my attitude about life, or overcoming any addictions or struggles. thank you.
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Wow. You write what I think so beautifully. Last year, my little family took a trip for a wedding and we were out of routine for 10+ days. It took its toll on my then almost 2 yr old. When we got home, he was a terror. My husband and I were always frustrated and ended up yelling more than we ever had before. Weirdly enough, (without even talking about it) we both came to the conclusion (at the same time) that we were reacting to his behavior the wrong ways and actually instigating it. We changed our behavior and low and behold, he magically transformed back into the child we love so much.
It really is all about baby steps.
Since then, every (well most) times when I feel like he is getting out of control, I take a step back and try to see if anything I'm doing (or not doing) is the result. You know what? Most of the time, even if he has some control, I can change my behavior and his will too.
That concept works on every relationship you have. Every day gets a little bit easier when you approach your problems with little steps and focus on right now.
This really rings true with almost any issue people are faced with. Weight, parenting, goals, housework, tasks, etc....baby steps. Do one thing at a time, and it makes the task less insurmountable. As the old saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Sage advice, Dan. Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks, I needed that.
I find it always helps me when I apologize once I realize what I'm doing. I do really try hard to focus on the here and now as far as better parenting goes, but sometimes I lose focus and subsequently my temper, frustration levels, snippy comments etc. My daughter will even help correct me sometimes if my voice is getting raised. I tell her to shhh shhh gently and hug her when she's upset, and she does that back to me. It really helps me realize how much she understands, and how much of a person she is, which I think can be lost to adults sometimes. I always try to tell her I'm sorry I yelled at you, or I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean to, will you forgive me? Things like that, and she always gives me a kiss afterwards. I think that really helps make the difference and keeps the situation from getting hurtful even if I do slip up.
Good post and awesome Dan. Absolutely right, do not be hesitate to change, especially if the change can give happiness to our children.
Awesome post, Dan. Parenthood is defintely a challenge to the emotions. I would also add that parents who find themselves feeling defeated would benefit from letting go of their guilt and shame because those are totally destructive and will keep the downward spiral going. I think that a good parent will have good days and bad days (within reason of course). When we have a bad day, we need to look at it, think about what we could have done differently and then get up the next day and try to do better without staying stuck in the yuck.
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Dan,
I like the post. I like the make better moments approach. I would also add - happiness is a choice. and Life is a gift. in my parenting mantra. I am happy for Life today. Whatever else happens - nothing compares to that blessing. I wish more people could stop - count their blessings - and sigh with a happy heart. Good job with breaking it down.... People should go walk in the peds wing of a hospital sometime. then walk out and hug their children. And yes... the rich do get richer (in terms of love and parenting) ... because good parenting has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love.
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I just watched The Girl graduate last weekend and man I could of used this post that day! Crazy Town doesn't even begin to describe it. Thank you!
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Every time I read your blog (I'm a relative newcomer to this), I catch my breath and think "wow", "how true" and something inside is made just a little bit better and stronger for having read it. Thank you.
Awesome post...I needed this today, after the day I had with my girls.
Everyone has good days and bad days. Even yesterday my daughter asked me if I was ok - if I was not feeling well or if I had a bad day, she said I was a little cranky. It was actually pretty sweet. I try to remember on those days that it's my problem, not theirs, so don't take it out on them. Of course, there are also days where it seems like they fight and beat the snot out of each other all day long - those days it's them and not me ;)
Great advice - love it!!!
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Remembering that we don't need to be perfect, but that we do need to continuously try to do our best is often hard. It is so easy to get distracted by either the perfect ideal or by perceived failure and to then give up. Then, once you give up you spiral right out of control and things just get worse and worse. I try to remember that each day I just need to do my best.
Very well written. When I had my daughter 18 months ago I told myself that I couldn't be perfect and that my top goal was that she always know I love her. So far I have done better than I expected. I feel guilty when I let her watch TV but if I am exhausted I feel like letting her watch TV is a better choice than losing my temper with her. So far she is a "good" child - although she has her moments of course.
Thanks for sharing.
So true! While I have accepted that I am by no means a perfect parent, I do tend to beat up on myself too much over the struggles with my own behaviors with my kids. You're right...we need to learn not to be perfectionists.
I do want to mention one little thing though.... You said, "the good parents find it easier and easier while the poor parents find it to be increasingly difficult." While I do understand the context of what you were saying, our experiences also vary greatly between our children. Try as I may, my 2 year old is VERY difficult, and far moreso than her older siblings - which makes parenting really hard. I try everything to stay calm and positive, but sometimes, despite my best efforts, things get more difficult anyway. Sure, I could probably still do things better, but all things considered, I feel like I'm a good parent....yet challenges persist. I guess my point is, we can be great parents, but some problems will still persist/escalate - even for good parents.
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Great post. I recently came up with a new philosophy myself, "enjoy the moments"...instead of stressing about every little thing, I'm trying to do just that. And it makes a world of difference in my days, and my kids days!!
Really great post today, Dan. It's these ones that keep me coming back, even though I certainly don't agree with everything you say.
I'm not a parent, but I can certainly put this into practice with my dog, my family, my schoolwork.
In fact, I'm going to go and walk my dog right now :D Thanks for inspiring me.
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I'm the oldest of seven kids, so I feel I'm dealing with parenthood in a different level. I realize that the best way to keep my temper down is bringing my siblings (kids) in the car to have a one on one talk about how we can work together to fix their behavior.
It can be time consuming to do this, however the investment works for itself.
Give that a try?
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This is good advice for anyone trying to make a change. Baby steps, so to speak. I do think, however, if people are so out of control angry or mean to their children that perhaps it's time to seek help from a professional to help you find why you are being this way.
I know I get frustrated some days and want to sell all 3 of them to the circus. I try to take deep breaths and separate myself for a bit (even a different room for 5 minutes) and I'm always able to realize what I did wrong and tell them I'm sorry.
Parenting is hard. Period. You learn every day what to do and what not to do.
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Another great post Dan! Thanks!
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So I was at the DMV yesterday and this lady was screaming at her children. She said "I am going to beat your fat ass" to her child that was acting out. I walked over and used your line "congratulations, you just broke your child". Let's just say it is a good thing there was security there. :) She didn't take it too kindly. Her daughter on the other hand gave me a shy little grin.
Way to go be epic! More parents need to speak up when we see this kind of stuff! Fat ass??? Holy crap I can't imagine saying that to The Girl!
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It's funny to see this post, because I just said the exact same thing to a class of teenagers the other day.
The example I gave them to help explain this concept was two sets of stairs: one with mammoth size steps and the other with ten times more steps- but smaller. In the latter case, it may look like progress takes longer, but really you go faster.
Realizing that you have to take one baby step at a time is so key. Thanks for the well-written post.
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I couldn't agree more. I had a really hard time with my daughter in the beginning (tons of issues, including difficulty breast-feeding and all sorts of family stress crap). This resulted in my apathy towards her (yes, I took care of her, fed her, held her, but I was kind of like a zombie mom sometimes). And she sensed it. It took 2.5 years, but I finally got my act together and started practising precisely what you write about on your post, and what a huge difference a little love, patience, and attention can make!
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Well said. It does seem as if bad parents consistently become worse parents.
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I really agree with that. It's all about the moments. Kids remember how you make them feel. Their memories are a sum total of the feelings you gave them. Help them feel good about themselves in the small moments and they will be happier and more well behaved, which will make parenting them even easier.
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In my own experience, my Dad definitely got worse as the years went on, while my Mom definitely got better, so it seems to hold true in my experience. Hopefully I can start becoming richer as a parent before I even have kids!
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When my kids were young I was a screamer. I hated that but did not know a better way. Then I heard someone say "how would you react if an adult was having dinner with you and spilled their drink? Why would you treat a stranger better than you do your kids?" Wow, that really hit home with me. Yeah, sometimes kids are goofing off and turn over their drink because they are not paying attention but isn't that what adults do too? I started with that one thing - no more yelling if someone spills at the table, just get the kids to clean up their own messes.
The kids were shocked the first time it happened. They were prepared for loud yelling and it did not come. When I said, "It's OK, just get paper towels and clean it up" - they looked at me like who the heck are you? Dinner was so much better. No one was so uptight and angry.
That process made me rethink other parenting I was doing. I too starting apologizing to my kids when I lost my cool. And I gave myself "time outs" and even went so far as to "ground" myself one time when I did not get home when I said I would. That really made a HUGE difference in our relationship.
The post, "You just broke your child," is the one that introduced me to this blog and even inspired me to start writing my own. Sadly I found a glimpse of myself within that man portrayed in that post. I'm grateful that today through a series of un-related events though I am able to have better moments.
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Well said. Thank you. Now, this needs to be inserted into the first of five email messages the parent reads, every day.
Dan, Might you consider exchanging "good" with "respectful and aware" parent?
I think this is the single most important thing you've written so far! It really is as simple as having a better moment that can bring peace to a family, which will, ultimately, bring more peace to the world.
Bravo for saying so well, and in such a well-read forum what unschoolers live every day!
Dan, I'm sure glad you have been blessed with such great wisdom.
Thank you for always sharing! :)
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Thanks for this, Dan! Love to hear these beautiful tidbits of wisdom.
There are many times that I feel myself getting frustrated and angry with my two and four year old boys. When this happens, I try to take a long breath and use that time to figure out how truly important the offense is. If it is something that needs to be dealt with, then I have given myself the time to calm down and deal with it appropriately. If it isn't going to be a big deal in a few minutes, or it is an accident, then I let it go. I will always remember the phrase my dad taught me, "Is this the hill to die on?" It helps me determine what areas are important enough to take a firm stand on, and helps me decide what is not that big a deal.
Great post! If we have a bad day (and we all have them every so often), my mantra is....tomorrow is brand new, what fun can we get into that will last a lifetime!
Because my girl is 22 months, my bad days are the ones where she is over tired and just cries or doesn't know what she wants which puts my brain into thinking and planning bedtime and focusing too much on how not to be curt instead of focusing on the now. I'm working on that and we've been having great days ;) Of course it does help that this is the age I love more than the infant stage so really relishing my days at the moment and taking lots of pictures.
Parenting....we can start fresh every day....we can always learn....we march on with determination and mischief!
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Awesome post, Dan. Very well written and all-too-true words.
Absolutely! We can only change what we are doing at the moment we are doing it. I think a lot of people get caught up in thinking to far ahead about the "what ifs" and fail to completely grasp the beautiful moments that are right in front of them. One of my favorite things to say to my kids is "We don't worry about what ifs. We deal with what is" and that helps, I think, to make moments better.
I totally agree! I was a single mom for the first 9 years of my daughter's life, she is now 10. As hard as I tried I was always frustrated and we always battled over the simplest things, but the factor I noticed was the company I kept. If you don't have positive people around you it tends to bleed into your parenting. I have now met the most wonderful man who shows love, respect and the attention my daughter needs and the battling has stopped. He tells me that she is his whether or not he made her. Yes she still makes mistakes but the 3 of us sit down talk about it, decide together what consequences should be and then when that is done we hold her while she cries and we tell her she is loved. There is no resentment on her part because she knows that no matter what she does we still love her
So true. The things you focus on, you also attract into your life. If you can smile, you can fix your life, your parenting, your social life, whatever. It makes me so sad to see people who are pessimistic about their life. If they'd just realize that a small shift in their awareness can alter their circumstances, they'd do it right away.
Great post, Dan, as always :-)
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We are just entering the "terrible twos" with our lil' guy. He is 18 months and getting those painful teeth and growing like a weed. Screaming, head-banging and toy-throwing become almost impossible struggles every single day. For the first time since I became a parent, I feel myself losing control with every little incident, wondering if he will ever be my sweet little boy again. This is great advice for dealing with those moments!
Thank you so much, Dan, for always bringing a bit of insight to my learning process. :)
Bekah,
I noticed your "terrible twos" and just thought I'd send a thought your way.. Your little one knows what you say, hears it and internalizes. He's growing so quickly and learning so much so fast, frustration at his small size and the connections that are not yet made is natural.
It is hard for me to hear terrible twos/threes/teens because I know the person(s) that are being described this way are aware of it. I would encourage you to find ways to acknowledge and revel in the complexities of your little one's life right now, instead of being annoyed. Society doesn't see things this way... it's very normal to refer to these massive months of growth as inconvenient and "terrible", but if the parent were to stop and observe and see the world through their little one's eyes, I'll bet the term would be dropped, as would a portion of the frustration on both ends of the spectrum.
Anyway, your son will change and grow as much as you will, if you are open to it. If you can respect him right where he is at, and demonstrate that consistently, it will be returned. :)
Bravo! Very well spoken.
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It's so true. I'm a single mom and when my son was first born, I felt like I was the worst parent ever. I wasn't really enjoying the joy that I had in my arms. It took me going from a SAHM to working and going to school to realize that I needed to start enjoying my son and have those better moments. When i came home, all I wanted was me time. And that was affecting my behavior towards my son. When I realized this, I decided to just start enjoying the adorable moments, then came enjoying when he looked at me with love, then when he slept in my arms, pretty soon I just started enjoying 90% of my time with him. Going cold turkey will get you nowhere. I agree with that!
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Dan, thanks for the great post. My son's knee-deep in the terrible twos and it can be very frustrating when he acts out. I can't be perfect all the time, but I can be good enough for a moment in time.
I've been following this advice for a while now and it's been helping not only my child, but mostly myself in feeling like a better parent. When my battle buddy tells me how much of an awesome mom I am, I have to think back and ask, "am I really?" Just last night, I was angrily prodding my 6yr old to go to bed when she asked me, "Mommy, I wasn't mean today, was I?" and I said, "No honey, you were very good, Mommy is just tired and cranky, and I apologize." it is usually my own stress and emotions that get the better of me and transfer that to her, through no fault of her own, and that is what I always have to remind myself of, because if I don't, she will be the one thinking it's her fault when that couldn't be farther from the truth.
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Bravo to you for being able to apologize to your daughter. There are a lot of people who can't do that. I think your daughter has a good mom to pattern herself after.
I try to keep tabs on my emotions and let my kids (now 7 & 11) know when I'm having a rough day. "Kids, X, Y and Z have happened today so I'm really tired/stressed out right now. This is not the time to push things please." Using a calm tone of voice and remembering that it's the other stuff I'm upset about, not the kids, also helps. It doesn't *always* improve their behavior, but frequently they will be more helpful (at least for a little while!), and very often they'll each give me a hug and sometimes even a quick back or foot rub! Hugs and rubs sure go a long way to improving my mood, which in turn helps me to be a better parent. I think it also models positive skills to the kids about acknowledging and being honest about their own emotions.
I don't have kids, but I really enjoy this blog anyway. Today's post struck a chord with me because I keep making myself grand promises about being a better partner, reacting better to those situations that always - instantly - get me on edge, and yet I keep failing at every single grand promise.
The idea of "making a better moment" is much less over-whelming. I think if I'm able to implement this tactic more often I'll become a better person, which will in turn (hopefully) improve my relationship.