I’m going to let you in on a little secret that most parents know, but few parents actually believe.
No parent is perfect. No mom is perfect. No dad is perfect.
Heaven knows I myself have a hard time believing it, even though it’s a simple concept, and even though I know it’s true.
Even the most patient, kind, open, honest, loving, genuine, and sincere parents have their off moments. They have their moments of doubt and uncertainty. They have their frustrations. They have days when their mental health isn’t at 100% or their hormones are out of whack. Every parent says things and then wishes to take it back. Every parent doesn’t say things they wish they would have. Every parent struggles to balance all of life in the healthiest way possible for each person in his or her family, and every parent messes up in the quest for that balance once in a while.
On top of all that, every parent has days when motivation to be a good parent is hard to come by. Every parent has days where they question their ability to carry on. Every parent has days when they feel like they’re scraping the bottom of the “want to be a parent at all” bucket.
Why? Because. Being a good parent takes a lot of effort and work. Being a good parent takes a lot of energy. For anybody. There are no exemptions.
It takes a lot of energy to always watch what comes out of our mouths.
It takes a lot of energy to always try and think about how everything we say will affect our children in the short term and in the long term.
It takes a lot of energy to always spend enough quality time with our kids.
It takes a lot of energy to always find ways to deal with problems in ways that don’t include anger.
It takes a lot of energy to never give our kids too much unhealthy food.
It takes a lot of energy to always set a proper example for our kids.
It takes a lot of energy to always make sure our faces light up when we see our kids.
It takes a lot of energy to always take interest in what our kids say.
It takes a lot of energy to never get annoyed at our children’s thousands of questions.
It takes a lot of energy to always treat our significant others nicely and with love in front of our kids.
It takes a lot of energy to never talk ill of others around our kids.
It takes a lot of energy to never lose our tempers.
It takes a lot of energy to always offer our children enough healthy touch.
It takes a lot of energy to always be there. It takes a lot of energy to never miss anything that’s important to our kids.
It takes a lot of energy to always leave work at work.
It takes a lot of energy to never neglect our kids while we waste time doing unimportant things.
It takes a lot of energy to never use the TV as a babysitter.
It takes a lot of energy to always protect our kids when they need protecting. It also takes a lot of energy to never protect our kids when withholding our protection will ultimately benefit them.
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It takes a lot of energy to give them the space they need to grow. my kids are 18 and 20. It is the second time of pain and suffering when this second birth occurs. Then I, mom, have to be patient and know that our love is still there.
Thank you. So true, so true. Parenting is a balancing act on a fine line between meeting their needs, meeting your own needs, and teaching them to meet their own and others' needs.
Today was the kind of day when I needed to hear this. Thank you.
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Having worked in daycare and as a nanny for 17 years, I have seen all kinds of parents - those I try to be like and those that make me sad for their children. I've seen them all have good days and bad, though, and what you've said is most definitely true. Nobody is 100% perfect at parenting, but the best way to get closer is to keep working on it!
I just started my own blog, and would appreciate positive or at least constructive thoughts or comments.
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Thank you Dan.
I needed this post this week. My most recent blog post is actually about what you're talking about. I've been feeling like a bad mom lately, because I feel like I don't have nearly as much time to just play with my son as I wish I could have. But your post reminds me that doesn't made me a bad parent - it makes me human. But I am doing my best, and the fact that I want to be better, means I'm doing just fine.
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Always surprises me when I open my mouth and something my mother said, that I would NEVER say comes out.
Good post. My 11-year-old daughter recently told my husband that her biggest pet peeve is when people (her eyes darted at me on that word, indicating exactly who the "people" are) nod and say uh-huh and pretend they're listening when they're really not. I know I do that. That is definitely something I need to work on as a parent. But good grief, sometimes the girl talks non-stop!
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Hey Christi, being a good parent in your case is maybe showing your girl that she won't be listened to 24/24 if she doesn't take into account other people's feelings8
Once again, another incredible post from the heart: real, raw, uncensored and because of it, perfect. :) Thank you - I shared with all my friends. I needed that reminder and could feel my body and heart relaxing and cutting myself a big fat break.
I thoroughly enjoy your posts. You make me want to be a better parent, but you also are realistic about what it takes.
One of my favorite post from you Dan!!! I have been struggling lately with this whole concept. It has been a rough year for me and my two kids (went through a divorce, moved twice which the last one was to a new city). My oldest, 17, had a rough rough year and barely made it through his junior year in HS and the youngest, 8, well she is doing ok but has went through a lot of changes!!! I have finally just in the last month healed myself from all of it and realize once again what is important--those two kids!!!! So now I have put "me" on the back burner and spend Q time with them doing things that hopefully will help us heal and bond as a family! Again, thank you for this. I am not perfect, never claimed to be but I am trying my best to raise these two kids the best that I can. :o)
Ann,
Always remember to take time for your self even if it is just to take a deep breath and read a book for 10 min. or sit in the tub for 20. You need you time You are just as important as those kids are! You can do this just take it one day at a time!
my mother loves this quote "How can I parent, if you won't child?" but there is no book. i took all that i could from my parents, and then try to do better. My son teaches me daily how to be a better parent. i feel as if someday i will be standing before the pearly gates and will be asked... "why should i let you in?"... to which i reply, "my son". i measure my success not by the sales i make or the things i possess, but rather who he grows up to be. what kind of father, what kind of husband, what kind of Christian, what kind of human...
thank you dan for your words.
clay
I had a friend tell me once "you know how I know you're a good Mom? Because you wouldn't be so damn worried about not being one if you weren't." Really put it into perspective for me.
So true. It's the great parents who are always striving to be better, and worrying when we're not. The parents who never think twice about whether they're doing a good job or not - that's a sign they just don't care. :(
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I have to agree with you! No one is ever going to be perfect and as you said, we do our best to be the best parents we can be and that is all we can do. I know, I myself stress on occasion over the smallest things hoping that I am "doing right" by my son. Being a single Mom, with a not so involved Dad I think the pressure that I put on myself to do so is even greater and I lose my marbles from time to time, but once I find them and regain some clarity and perspective on it...I try to take the entertaining approach and in some ways the self depricating humor approach to cope with it all and tell myself and my friends with children who feel the same way...
"We do the best we can as parents and hope that in the end, their therapy doesn't cost them too much!" :D
I love my son more than life itself and will do everything I can to help him become an amazing person and have an incredible childhood and life, but I can only do so much and I have learned to accept that and that I am going to make mistakes and it's okay.
Kids need to learn how to accept and fix their mistakes from someone. Who better than Mom?
Thank you. Sometimes I think the "Holy crap, I suck!" way of thinking only happens to parents of kids with special needs. Not true though, huh.
Heavens no! We all "suck"! The people that realize it and learn from mistakes are the ones that are ahead of the game.
The best advice I got once (and continue to pass along) was that being a "good enough" parent is sometimes, usually, just that- good enough :)
I wish it were possible to be perfect, but I know I am nowhere near it. I mess up regularly. I think we have to stop being so hard on ourselves and trust that even when we mess up, it can be a learning experience, both for us and the children, and that we can then move forward having gained instead of lost.
Amen!
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I love this post.
Thank you!
That is all. :)
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Simply another amazing post Dan. I LOVE reading your stuff! I've been dealing with this a lot and just finally got a glimpse of how my hubby rates himself. We need to give ourselves a break!
PS. Some days I AM perfect...perfectly awful, that is! ;-)
I'm a single mom, and have been for 13 years (husband died). I'm emailing this one to my kids.
as i was reading this, my one year old climbed up on the couch, and fell off--it takes a lot of energy to keep an eye on all 4 kids while reading dan's blog!
We have to stop comparing. We often compare our worst qualitites to the best qualities of those we admire. Thank you for another awesome post!
*after cry* > It is amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves when we make our kids a priority! I have dropped the ball subconsciously and consciously at times. Thanks for the reminder that we are all in this together! Somebody told me or I heard it once, "Hey, God IS the perfect parent, and his children mess up/create/make their own problems all the time!" One thing I am learning is to manage myself so I can always tamper everything with love, but it can hard! Especially hard when "managing self" requires saying, "no" when you wish you could give them more of what they deserve. This imperfect, stretched and worn out person sure loves her kids :) I pray when they look back they'll know and remember.
I just think we live in a time where parents are too self-absored with themselves then their kids Well, certainly not you - but many parents I know. This hurts because then it becomes the child's duty to take care of everyone else (the other kids).
I'm just saying.
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This post made me cry...because it's exactly what I needed to hear today. So thank you for that.
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made me cry too!
Hit the nail on the head again Dan, and that list goes on and on and n....and there will me another couple of dozen things to add! Once again, your obsevations and isights are spot on
Kenny Mc Bride
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I love this! It's a good reminder about how hard we work as parents and how we're infallible and shouldn't beat ourselves up for our mistakes. Sometimes when we try too hard to be "perfect" we end up making even bigger mistakes. We also shouldn't make our kids feel that they have to be perfect either; this just sets them up to have self-esteem issues and doesn't make for very good parenting. I wrote about something similar on my blog, My Life With Pie. http://www.mylifewithpie.com/2011/06/wrong-signal...
Thank you. Keeping this list near me. My husband and I had our first child five months ago. And his family ha, amd iis constantly trying to tell others, and occasionally me what im doing wrong as a parent. Even to my husband. They act like they know everything, dono wrong, and know whats best for my child. It is hard to handle but this will keep me going. So thank you.
tell them to shove off you just pushed a kid out and your hormones aren't stable yet :p - also they are being really bad parents by even thinking this and there is no way they remember what its like if they have the nerve to pass judgment on a brand new mommy ( not to mention how much has changed since they were parents what the hell would they know) you are doing the verry best you can and that makes you and excellent mother
all my love
Phi
Thank you, Dan, for reminding me that everyone flubbs up, that no one is perfect, and that we are all human and constantly figuring out who we are - and as long as we're honest with ourselves about that fact, our children will grow up to know the same.
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It takes a lot of energy to ALWAYS hold them close when they need to be held, even when they're pushing you away, and to NEVER push them away from you when they come to you in need.
When my son was first born... we not first born but first moving around on his own... I refused to let him make mistakes. Never let him touch, never let him go where I didn't want him to go, never let him be where it was dirty. I was trying to be perfect by keeping him perfect. Then I realized that I was keeping him from life. Just a tiny baby... I was keeping him from discovering the world. Now nothing makes me happier than seeing my little guy (now 4) flithy. I love seeing him attempt new stunts. Yes, my heart stops each time.
He's only 4. I can't wait to see what other mistakes we have yet to make together. To our family, perfection comes when we learn from what went wrong ;O)
I know I'm never perfect, but I feel pretty perfect when my son hugs me & tells me he loves me. Of course, my first thought is 'what did you do'.. but I take the moment with joy.
It take a lot of energy to ALWAYS make sure your child(ren) eats enough food to stay alive. And to make sure that nurishment doesn't only consist of chicken nuggets and candy!
Parents may not be perfect to the rest of the world, but they are perfect in the eyes of their children.
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Great blog. I'll be reposting. Thanks.
Thank you...I needed this. I just wrote a "note" on my FB page called "Perfect Parents can Suck It." Feel free to read my rant and comment. I would implicitly trust your thoughts!
Thank you for posting this list; recently someone in my family decided to unload on me her collected list of grievances about my abilities not only as a parent but also as a person in general. We have a history of arguing with each other, but I really believed that we had gotten beyond most of that. It's been weighing on my mind lately, and this list reminded me (in the words of Stuart Smalley, from SNL) that: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" Keep up the good work; your words affect many people.
It takes a lot of energy to *know* when to hold your tongue and allow them to make mistakes.
It takes a lot of energy to not see that sweet little 4 year old when you are looking in the eyes of your 21 year old. (personal experience). :D
Beautiful article, Dan. Thank you.
I really needed a reminder TODAY that I'm not alone on this journey. It really is hard to be a good parent and it really is easy to forget about all of the good stuff when we're shown our shortcomings.
My kids are older now, 19, 15, and 13, and the thing I struggle with the most? Liking my oldest. He's a 19 year old male who thinks he knows everything he needs to know. He tolerates us, his parents, as we provide the food and shelter and transportation. But he doesn't listen, and when he doesn't get what he wants, the most horrible things spill out of his mouth....I love him, of course I do, but sometimes it's really hard to like him.
I too went through this with my 19 year old a few weeks back. I did the tough love thing and CUT HIM OFF with all help! Needless to say he quickly realized that I'm really not that bad of a person. But the money has stopped! The lesson he is learning... You don't know what youve got until it's gone!
hmm Perfectionism. I know there is no such thing. I have a problem with control. Which ironically I blogged about today.
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I just want to say thank you to all the parents out there. You may think your not perfect but in your kids eyes you are. You are gods/goddess in their eyes. I know that's how i feel about my parents :)
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