Since Noah and I are away on vacation, thought I’d post another edition of You said WHAT to your kid?
On SDL’s Facebook page awhile back, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would?” The answers that came in (and have come in since) have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure, all as innocent as the moments that made them.
- I brought you into this world, I can take you out!
- Honey, don’t put your crayons in the peanut butter.
- Spit out that dog food!
- We don’t paint with our noses!
- Is it really necessary for you to bring your ice cream in the bathroom with you while you poop?
- Stop putting the cat in the shower!
- Son: Mom, soda just came out my nose! Me: Was it Coke or Sprite? Son: Sprite! Me: Here’s a napkin. You’ll be fine. Coke hurts worse.
- Don’t drink the bathwater!
- Please stop licking your sisters toes!
- Stop peeing on each other!
- Son, we don’t bite goats!
- The toilet brush is for the toilet, NOT your butt!
- Stop putting syrup on the cat.
- Yes you can have batman fighting a dinosaur on your birthday cake.
- No, you can’t make butter out of breast milk.
- No, I don’t think we can give Jesus a taco.
- Please get your lips off of that plane propeller.
- Please take your penis out of that jar.
- Your fork is not to be used as a weapon!
- Stop picking your sister’s nose!
- Izzy, no! Don’t try and stick your finger in the cat’s behind!
- I don’t care if you kill each other, just do it quietly!
- You were NOT an accident! You were a surprise.
- If you have two more bites of your vegetables, then I’ll let you turn the light on and off again.
- Who pooped on the window sill?
- We do not use our poop for finger paint!
- This is not a Monarchy, it’s a MOMarchy. I’m the Queen here, you are my subject. Got it?
- Would you please not pee in the front yard?
- You don’t drink your own pee, honey! Yuck yucky YUCK!
- Conversation with my 5 year old this past Christmas: Son: Does Santa see everything I do? Mom: Yes Son: Does Santa watch me poop? Mom: . . . Yes. So make sure you do a good job wiping.
- After hopping out of the tub wearing nothing but bubbles, my 4 yr old son snuck up behind me, snatched a piece of cooked bacon & placed it neatly in his butt crack! I never thought I’d ever have to tell my kid that he shouldn’t put meat in his butt!
- Don’t lick the trash can!
- It is not nice to drop the toilet seat on your brother’s weenie.
- It’s time to put the weapons away.
- No drinking out of the bidet!
- Don’t step on your brother’s head!
- Must you get naked EVERY time you poop, and on ANY toilet?
- Please try not to fart on our guests.
- Honey, only the CATS get to pee in the litter box.
- We don’t feed poop to your baby brother.
- We’ve read a lot today, why don’t you go choose a movie?
- Chap stick does not go on your butt.
- Stop running! You have poop hanging from your butt!
- Do not mop the floor with your brother.
- Please don’t hide rocks in Daddy’s pillow.
- Get your naked butt off your brother’s face! I don’t care if he did it to you first!
- Yes you are a princess, but I’m the queen so you still have to listen to me!
If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! Also, be sure to check out all the past editions of You Said WHAT to Your Kid?
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Which were your favorites today?
My two kids were playing a first person shooter. The youngest (a girl) managed to get a "kill" on her brother.
Me: Good job sweetie on killing your brother... Wait...
" Must you get naked EVERY time you poop, and on ANY toilet?" - Good to know it's not just my son...
no the kitty doesn't want that bottle of water, oh and i see you gave her my phone too... how nice of you.
please stop trying to rip off your penis.. you know, you're going to want that later in life.
no don't eat my phone.
you can play with my keys, just don't put them in your mouth.
NO! DON'T TOUCH THE TOILET! It has GERMS!! Ewww!
Now you touched the garbage we are going to have to wash your hands again.
NO! DON'T touch your poop! Don't put your feet in it! Stop rolling, no you can't crawl away, stop trying to stand, I said DON'T touch the poop! Just stay still!!!
Yesterday I was watching TV while the kids were getting drinks. I noticed Dalton had a jar (he loves pickle juice) he had his mouth on a straw. I screeched like a banshee at him : NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DRINK JALAPENO JUICE!
Annalyce, where are your pants? That is socially unacceptable. (I said this at a friends house because she went to the bathroom and then came out naked from the waist down.)
My newest and favorite actually comes from my 17 y/o son to his 8 y/o sister when he was 13 and she was 4. Her," Brabra why are mommy and daddy locked in their room?" Him, "Because they're exercising ." Her, " I wanna exercise like them." Him, "No Gracie, they're doing special mommy and daddy exercises."
This is not a democracy, it is a benevolent dictatorship.
Sweetie, don't put cookies in the baby's eye.
"Mommy quit" "but you're mommy" "not anymore."
"Son, you've got to pick up your dress when you run or you might trip!"
My recent post Late Nights and New Lows
Something I said before I had kids of my own...
"You can't have another donut till you finish your jellybeans"
My niece went through a phase where she called bras in the store boobies and would spend as much time as you would let her trying them on. I got tired of it one day when I had to hang around ten of them back on the rack and said
"Quit messing with the boobies! You can play with your mom's at home!"
oh and the favorite "mommy's not here right now, leave a message at the tone.... *walk off*
or "i'm changing my name from mommy and not telling you the new one
oh the things i could add if it was things your kid said to you....
"don't pull mommy's top down in public."
"yes i know i have a big butt, thanks."
"we don't kiss with tounge till we're over 20."
"stop licking me!"
"you didn't fit coming out of momm'ys hoo hoo, you sure aren't gonna fit trying to get back in. now stop."
1)Please do not duct tape your brother to the wall.
2) No, I don't care if you saw it done on MythBusters
"Faith, why are you spitting in the toilet? Oh, please don't pop those spit bubbles. Let's go wash your hands."
These are great! My husband and I have no children, but we hear strange things coming out of our mouths when addressing our sister tabbies. But nothing is better than what parents really have to say to their kids. Really? Poop on the windowsill--that could only happen in real life! xD
My recent post Praying for Osama
"Connor! Please stop doing that to your brother! He's a baby NOT a squeak toy!"
My recent post Expecting the unexpected WERE PREGNANT!
I once told my mother that I am a perfect candidate to be a deliquint... worked wonders - for that moment
My recent post A Letter To The Elders - from The Lost and Struggling Generation
Son: Does Santa see everything I do?
Son: Does Santa watch me poop?
Mom: . . . Yes. So make sure you do a good job wiping.
I will so use this with any future children...
My recent post If writers stopped writing about what happened to them- then there would be a lot of empty pages Elaine Liner
My 4 year old daughter was sitting on my stomach as I laid in bed. She looked down at me in my pajamas and said, "Momma, when I grow up I hope I have big breasts like you!" as she proceeded to grab them! Needless to say, my husband laughed hysterically!
~Lilly you have bananas in your armpit!
~Put down the screwdriver and step away from the duck.
~Can someone please explain to me why the cat is wearing a neck tie?
~Do you really think that the dog enjoys wearing a necklace and a boot?
~Can anyone explain why there is a lego building in the freezer?
~Tyler: Mom Lilly bit me!
Me: She is a baby and has no teeth!
Tyler: But it hurt, aren't you going to spank her?
Me: No she is 4 months old she doesn't understand that it is not nice.
Tyler: Lilly NO BITING! It is really mean and I won't be your friend if you bite!
Ahahah. I've said a surprising amount of these, and I don't HAVE kids. O, college...
My recent post Ozzy at Cattail Farm
"Things we never thought we'd hear ourselves say" has become a regular game at our house. My most recent one was, "If you wouldn't put metallic silver paint in your belly button, it wouldn't itch."
When I told my four year old daughter that I was pregnant and her baby brother was in mommy's belly she asked me, "YOU ATE MY BABY BROTHER?!!?!!??" and continued to go into hysterics over it. It was not funny at the time and I had to explain to her that her and her sister both were in mommy's tummy at one time. She instantly calmed down, "really?" I nodded. "oh. okay" and she walked off..It is sooo funny now! :)
Oh, the life of parents:) A few things I have said:
It's probably not the best idea to cook naked.
No, the baby does NOT like it when you blow in her face like you do with the dog.
Forks do not make good toys, especially not for babies!
The saying is "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" NOT "Nobody makes Mama happy"! -This one actually made me cry:(
I don't have kids so I can't share stories of my own...but I *loved* the wisdom and knowledge this mom spoke with "You'll be fine. Coke hurts worse." Sounds like she's been there! LOL Can't say I've ever had soda of any kind come out my nose, and I'm thankful for it.
And I cringed for the poor brother in this one "It is not nice to drop the toilet seat on your brother's weenie."
Haha... love these!
Just last night I told my 14 month old son - "No, we do not brush our belly buttons with our toothbrush". LOL!
My recent post Breastfeeding is Offensive
Me: "Why is there a cup of pee in the bathtub?" My 5-year-old son: "Maybe it just got there by itself."
My recent post Mother of a Sale com
Oh my gosh I am laughing so hard, and my 2 yr old son just climbed up on my knee, giggling. He has no idea what he's giggling about, but I guess whatever I'm laughing at must be funny enough for him! lmao!
"Sweetie don't color on your baby brother" and " Give mommy the knife please" Never thought that one would ever come out of my mouth :)))
OMG these made me laugh out loud. Inappropriately. At work.
My recent post The Silent Battle Part II The Solution
one of these days you'll have to have a post about "your kid said what?" My children and the things they say are WAY more entertaining than anything I have ever said to them!
To my daughter when she was having a melt down at the grocery store " where are your parents?!" and then I walked away ( my hubby was right behind her) my daughter; " mom, mom, momma, mommy! MOM!!" me; " mommy ran away and joined the circus, I'm nurse Ratchet"
Weird, I've had the same kissing conversation. "No, Norah, you can't kiss me like daddy does. Please close your lips."
I loved the one about the Sprite up the nose. A few hours later on today, I said the same thing to my son! Suck it up, boy....Coke hurts worse!