Since Noah and I are away on vacation, thought I’d post another edition of You said WHAT to your kid? 

On SDL’s Facebook page awhile back, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would?” The answers that came in (and have come in since) have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure, all as innocent as the moments that made them.

  • I brought you into this world, I can take you out!
  • Honey, don’t put your crayons in the peanut butter.
  • Spit out that dog food!
  • We don’t paint with our noses!
  • Is it really necessary for you to bring your ice cream in the bathroom with you while you poop?
  • Stop putting the cat in the shower!
  • Son: Mom, soda just came out my nose! Me: Was it Coke or Sprite? Son: Sprite! Me: Here’s a napkin. You’ll be fine. Coke hurts worse.
  • Don’t drink the bathwater!
  • Please stop licking your sisters toes!
  • Stop peeing on each other!
  • Son, we don’t bite goats!
  • The toilet brush is for the toilet, NOT your butt!
  • Stop putting syrup on the cat.
  • Yes you can have batman fighting a dinosaur on your birthday cake.
  • No, you can’t make butter out of breast milk.
  • No, I don’t think we can give Jesus a taco.
  • Please get your lips off of that plane propeller.
  • Please take your penis out of that jar.
  • Your fork is not to be used as a weapon!
  • Stop picking your sister’s nose!
  • Izzy, no! Don’t try and stick your finger in the cat’s behind!
  • I don’t care if you kill each other, just do it quietly!
  • You were NOT an accident! You were a surprise.
  • If you have two more bites of your vegetables, then I’ll let you turn the light on and off again.
  • Who pooped on the window sill?
  • We do not use our poop for finger paint!
  • This is not a Monarchy, it’s a MOMarchy. I’m the Queen here, you are my subject. Got it?
  • Would you please not pee in the front yard?
  • You don’t drink your own pee, honey! Yuck yucky YUCK!
  • Conversation with my 5 year old this past Christmas: Son: Does Santa see everything I do? Mom: Yes Son: Does Santa watch me poop? Mom:  . . .  Yes. So make sure you do a good job wiping.
  • After hopping out of the tub wearing nothing but bubbles, my 4 yr old son snuck up behind me, snatched a piece of cooked bacon & placed it neatly in his butt crack! I never thought I’d ever have to tell my kid that he shouldn’t put meat in his butt!
  • Don’t lick the trash can!
  • It is not nice to drop the toilet seat on your brother’s weenie.
  • It’s time to put the weapons away.
  • No drinking out of the bidet!
  • Don’t step on your brother’s head!
  • Must you get naked EVERY time you poop, and on ANY toilet?
  • Please try not to fart on our guests.
  • Honey, only the CATS get to pee in the litter box.
  • We don’t feed poop to your baby brother.
  • We’ve read a lot today, why don’t you go choose a movie?
  • Chap stick does not go on your butt.
  • Stop running! You have poop hanging from your butt!
  • Do not mop the floor with your brother.
  • Please don’t hide rocks in Daddy’s pillow.
  • Get your naked butt off your brother’s face! I don’t care if he did it to you first!
  • Yes you are a princess, but I’m the queen so you still have to listen to me!

If you didn’t get a chance to answer, comment below and tell us what you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would! I may just use it in a future installment! Also, be sure to check out all the past editions of You Said WHAT to Your Kid?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS. Which were your favorites today?

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Dan Pearce is an American-born author, app developer, photographer, and artist. This blog, Single Dad Laughing, is what he's most known for, with more than 1.4 million daily subscribers as of 2017. Pearce writes mostly humorous and introspective works, as well as his musings which span from fatherhood, to dating, to life, to the people and dynamics of society. Single Dad Laughing is much more than a blog. It's an incredible community of people just being real and awesome together!